I was sitting on a socially distanced ‘packed’ train back from a weekends travel in Scotland a few Saturdays ago, I am sitting on my own, bag on my next to seat, reading a book, there are many other people on the train, the elderly couple, other single people, and a few students. A few seats behind me in the table seat are a group of men, aged probably between late twenties and early thirties. For the distance between Dundee and Edinburgh, on a train, on a Saturday morning. They talk together for the whole journey.
About football.
They talk about football.
About most of the top 6 teams in England, European football and a bit about Scottish football.
Their chat about football, lasts longer than a game about football.
And no one is actually playing it. Its the pre-season. So its just about transfers.
I was introduced to a concept a few weeks ago known as ‘Spiritual Bypassing’ – what this is about is using spirituality to bypass or avoid doing real deep therapeutic work on feelings, hurts, trauma and fears. From being superstitious, ‘if I touch wood it won’t happen’ to more evangelical ‘if we just pray about it it’ll all disappear’. So im thinking about ‘spiritual bypassing’ whilst on the train. Wondering whether, what is happening between these 4 men on the train isn’t spiritual bypassing, but football bypassing.
But its not really though. Its more the complete avoidance of talking deeply about anything. Football as a big distraction.
Later on though, between Morpeth and Newcastle, three very well dressed up young women get on the train, in heels, make up, nice dresses etc, out for their first night out since March. For 10 mins of the journey, their chat is about the night out, make up, getting nails done, tattoos, that kind of thing. Until one of them made a comment like ‘My mam (mum) gets so up tight about me going out, so controlling’ – the response from the friend across the table is : ‘well you’re here now, time to have a good time and forget about her’
In a way this felt more like ‘bypassing’ or trying to distract away from a difficult situation. Not just ‘night-out bypassing’ makes for a good title. But it was as if the real problem was revealed, but no friend on a train wanted to hold it with them. Maybe the train isnt a good place to do real.
When I discovered how much of an introvert I was, I realised why I usually got bored talking about football with anyone except my son. Even as a teenager I liked to ‘set the world’ straight, go deep, discover, ask questions. Yet at the same time, some of that I knew I was doing in the last 15 years was avoiding. The deep stuff I liked to talk about avoided the stuff that needed talking about. I could set the world right, but was no where in terms of setting myself right.
So I didn’t judge the football chat, or night out chat at all. It was sad for me to hear in a way. We all know what our safe topics of conversation are around a table on a train, but at the same time, theres often clues and cues in conversations with friends about the things that are happening beneath the surface, and takes so much effort to keep them at bay.
What stops us doing real conversation with our friends on a train? What actually are we afraid of? Ourselves or other people?
Its one reason why I started this blog, every year its we hear that Men don’t talk, or do emotions – but on those trains it wasn’t just men. Its not enough to give men a phone line to contact when things have got so bad. Make no mistake, im not here to save or rescue – but what I want to do is talk about some of the real, deep emotional things, so that if you are reading this, or other posts it means that you know you are not alone, and that talking, healing and recovery is possible.
James Ballantyne 
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