Self-love on the ‘Memory-feel’ days

Theres lots of reasons why I struggle with this time of the year. Quite apart from this year in which I’m navigating a new job, a new home and living in a new area between January and March.

This time of the year, has too many other reminders.

Some days fluctuate, so its not a set date, like mothers day.

But others are fixed.

For two of my friends on facebook I note that today has been a day to remember significant life-health events, memories that have feelings. Feelings of relief, of process, of accomplishment, of gratitude of being alive- so so good to read, and look back in this way.

I think I accepted a while ago that I didnt actually have parents. They do exist and are alive. But they don’t exist as parents. They weren’t ever parents, in the actual sense. Not parents who cared, loved, protected or nurtured. Not parents who educated, supported or empathised. Not parents who you tell everything to, felt safe or warm with or know that they would be there, or that they would give everything for their children. They exist orbiting their own toxic emotional world.

And I can accept that, and I choose not to have anything to do with them.

It’s been a very long long process to get to.

As many of you may have read, in the previous blogs on this site. The journey of me coming to terms with, and dealing appropriately with them, for my own well being and sake has been significant.

But todays date loomed a bit in the calendar.

And I kind of knew it might do.

However much, and its probably only the second year that I have had to deal with this day as a difficult day – last year I was in the process of the dealing with, my emotional place was in a different.

So today from a place of acceptance, I was expecting the feelings.

April 8th is one of parents birthdays, its also the day I remember on which my lovely grandad died 23 years ago.

A double ‘memory-feel’ day.

I used to not think about these kind of days. Growing up avoiding emotions, with a survival mentality and closed, all I would do on days like thins was do everything I could to pretend it wasnt today, avoid it. Do everything to distract.

The feelings lying lurking in the corner as I was scared of feeling them, and not in a safe place to do so. Avoid. Fear.

Some triggers hit you unawares, and I think I’m fortunate on that regard, very few things in my daily life have any reminder of my parents – well until last weekend when I used an electric drill for the first time in 3 years – but not normally – there’s no favourite foods, smells, music, cultural references that remind me of them in day to day.

So im left largely with dates. Significant dates – memory-feel dates. Birthdays, Mothers/Fathers days, those kind of thing.

Before I might have tried to avoid all of this, because I always thought the pain of all the emotions would be significant.

Today, theres been a mixture of pain, grief, anger, relief, and also sense of growing up and standing up to them – defending and protecting myself.

I knew id have a reaction today. Some of those feelings have welled up a bit. Its caused me to think of my own children, to think about being a dad, to think about having to be my own parent to myself and my own inner child – to reparent myself.

It was ok to cry a bit today. On my couch, in my nice new flat. No need to hold back the moment of the feelings. Just let them come out. Crying is good. Didn’t need to be for long, just enough to let what was welling up come out, release a bit. Let them out.

It didnt hurt anyone by feeling my emotions, the ones so far today anyway.

And I wrote a bit in my therapy journal.

Acceptance of the situation of today, its memories also acceptance that the emotions may just come out. Acceptance that the day may have moments. Acceptance that I am human, raw and vulnerable. That I dint just need to try and survive by avoidance.

Theres been happy feelings today too, as its days like this when Christelle just knows how to make me laugh and cry at the same time.

Awareness that the present of today might include recurrence and residues of the past.

An all the feels kind of day.

One of the slightly raw ones.

Thats its absolutely ok to have.

Accepting the ‘Memory-feel’ days.

Giving myself the opportunity to tell myself, again, of the truth of myself, and loving myself, that I am ok, and I am safe and loved.

Breathe.