In terrential rain my plane took off from Newcastle airport on Saturday morning, the rain streaming down the windows as it taxied along the tarmac
As it took off, yes there was a tiny bit of extra turbulance through the low lying cloud
The cloud become whiter and whiter as the plane ascended
The windows in got brighter, the light shine Above the clouds, blue, bright sky.
White clouds
Rain is about perspective
Pain is about perspective
Shame is about perspective
Seeing rain from above, changes things
Rain can’t be avoided but can be pushed through, to see what’s above, to see rain from a distance
Like rain and clouds, I am not pain, or shame, or emotions,
I..just..am
I am the watcher , I am the life that can make new things happen, I am life that can be compassionate towards myself I am the watcher than can see.
In the continued path of self compassion the flight gave me to opportunity to sense and feel the wonder of the universe, clouds from a different perspective. May
May I feel the joy and wonder of the universe, may I choose to love myself in the midst, in the clouds and above the rain and storms. May I experience the deep joy and gratitude of being myself.
I have been amazed by the universe treasure moments that seem to arrive to me, chance encounters, free gifts in shops, writing in books that match what I’d been talking about the day before (no algorithms there)
This was one yesterday.
I’d bought this John o Donohue book in a charity shop about six weeks ago, one of about 10 books I bought that day, this one went on the bottom shelf hidden away.
Reading prayers and blessings not always my thing.
Yesterday I had a tidy of my books, getting rid of 10 to the local charity shop, and re-found the John o Donohue…
I opened the book, randomly
To this page
What did I write about the day before yesterday?
Exactly
May I be a friend to myself.
This path of self compassion seems littered with treasure.
I am a mystery, waiting to be loved….as are you
May you and I journey to that place in your soul where there is love and warmth and feeling.
If you’ve read my last two piece of writing in the last few days you will know that I have shared a little about self compassion, and in particular showing self compassion for my self critical nature.
It would be very tempting for to try and understand the roots of my self critical nature – and that’s exactly what my ‘little professor’ adult thinking self wants to do. Understand.
I could spend a few hours or days on working all this out. To be honest, if you’ve read my story (in the menu above) it wouldn’t be difficult to assess. Safe to say childhood wasn’t a place of praise, support or encouragement (that would lead to big headedness), it wasn’t a place to relax and feel gratitude, but a place of revolving around the needs of the dominant emotionally immature parent (s).
I learned to rely on myself intellectually, and go ‘into’ my head.
Im writing more now on this than I actually was going to. So ill stop.
Because in a real way, understanding the root, has been done already.
I dont need to go back, not this time. Not again.
Im not here to blame.
Ive resisted the urge today, this week to blame, and go back.
Instead.
Ive stayed in the present. Today.
Because self compassion, isn’t about understanding and trying to work it out
Self compassion is being a friend to myself now.
Tending, loving and being gentle with myself now.
Resisting the head knowledge of the root of my critical nature
Instead sitting in the power of the present.
So ive written a whole lot more today, that you won’t see, but that’s for me, tender to myself, friend to myself, loving myself.
Feeling the space around my heart, body and soul for love to be encountered
Warmth of self love, listening to the slow breath
Giving myself respect and reverence. Time and space.
Telling myself that I am enough, that I can relax as myself
I dont need to perform, not even now
Just be, who I am, and not strive for something else.
Not have to prove something. Not have to meet expectations
Embrace the feeling of warmth, resting in the infilling
I dont need to know where it comes from – it was what I needed to do to survive, and that in itself is to be thankful and warm towards.
But now, I can rest, in myself, as I am.
In her chapter on Self Compassion for the Self critical (which ive read, felt and embraced its power four times this week) Radhule Weininger writes:
‘Often as you open your heart, feelings of kindness, compassion, forgiveness and generosity well up naturally and flow outward in widening circles…
Your habit of self depreciation and self reproach can be healed by daring to look inwards and holding your inner experience with understanding, gentleness and care’
Heartwork (2017)
I need not be self investigative, but self therapeutic, giving unconditional positive regard for myself.
Being a friend to myself. What does that feel like?
Being a friend to the present.. here and now
Unlearning the critical learned part, lifting it with warmth
Being at peace with myself
Show up to myself.
Practicing all of these things, day by day, experience by experience, situation by situation. A self compassion path isn’t one towards perfection, but wholeness.
After writing yesterdays piece on Self Compassion, I have spent time today reflecting, meditating and feeling through the following quotes. I share them here:
You can’t have compassion unless you’re first willing to feel what you feel
John Welwood : Between Heaven and Earth, principles of Inner work – in Weininger ‘Heartwork’ The path of Self compassion – 2017
When a deep, honest conversation, makes us feel connected to someone, we become very happy.
The same deep connection with ourselves is possible by wholly accepting who we are and realising the enlightened nature of ourselves
This too is a source of incomparable happiness and freedom.
Haemin Sunim, Things we only notice when we slow down, 2017
The Ultimate truth of who you are is not I am this or I am that – But I Am
Eckhart Tolle, Oneness with all life (2008)
On another occasion I may write more about the path of self compassion and what I am discovering through it. One thing, is the sense of warmth and peace I feel afterwards, and feeling stronger though openness to myself , feeling and then comforting the rawness of the areas of my life that require self tenderness and gentleness. I sense that self compassion is a gateway to deep soul strength.
But now I will be a friend to myself, as keep this a short one today. It has been a restoring day.
Closing with these words from The Dalai Lama:
Compassion and love can be defined as the positive thoughts and feelings that give rise to such essential things in life as hope, courage, determination and inner strength
Thank you for all the supportive comments, likes and shares from my writing and self learning. I appreciate you.
Last night I was planning to write something. I also thought I might do some reading too, the latter being one of my favourite evening activities, put the music on, light the wax candles, pick up a book and sit and read
But I was just weirdly unsettled.
Oh, and the other thing, is that since early October I have been without my laptop to do this kind of writing. I have written quite a bit in my personal journals, free writing, sometimes crayon scrawling and inner James work, but not this kind, the blog writing stuff. What this has done in a month is store up in my mind a number of themes, ideas, pictures that I may want to write about, they are stored, I thought one would download fairly successfully into one yesterday.
But it didnt.
I tried picking up all the books I’ve read in the last 6 weeks and before, where the corners are folded, the pages and phrases that have inspired. I even checked my drafts folder. Ive read some wonderful books in the last 6 weeks too, Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth and Oneness with all of life, Matt Haigs How to stop Time, The Pilgrimage by Paulo Coelho and Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly. All wonderful books. Loved them all.
But Nothing. Nothing Downloaded.
Nothing felt like it was flowing from the mind, to the fingers.
And I got frustrated.
I felt like I wasted an evening
I was annoyed at myself.
I wasn’t productive.
I shouldn’t have felt that way, I was trying to do something, but felt unsettled. There wasn’t clarity or flow.
How did I react to my self imposed circumstance. Annoyed. Frustrated.
I had self expectations.
I ended up with self learning.
I stopped.
I was critical of myself and gave myself a beating up, over something that was of my own choice.
I tend to do this often.
Beat myself up.
Think of myself as not good enough.
Think of myself as not as creative, imaginative, talented as others.
The critical shell on my outside can turn inwards.
The over thinking mind that over dwells.
Then I felt something else….. Shame.
I felt ashamed that I felt annoyed at myself. Shame.
Embarrassed that I felt this way.
Shame made me feel small and useless temporarily for not being attentive to myself. Shame took me to the hiding place.
Even in the smallest of moments, shame attaches itself to those feelings. Not careful and I’m in a swirl.
I shouldn’t feel this way, I should be better than this, I should….
‘Should’ Shame.
So.
I Stopped.
This was my evening for 90 minutes yesterday.
Ive noticed this recently. The Shame Cycle. Actually maybe its not a cycle, more like shame is like a leech to feelings, attaching itself to them.
At this point, I could easily drown or get drawn into over thinking, self criticism, self blaming and feeling pretty low.
So what did I do?
I remembered – who I am
I noticed – my feelings of frustration, and stepped to one side of them
I breathed.
I remembered something else too.
The True Anti-dote to Shame is Self-compassion
Sneezy/Ziskind (eds) 2013 IFS – New Dimensions
It was at this moment that my wife Christelle joined me on a zoom call. I told her about my feelings of frustration, and feeling ‘not very productive’ . She also reminded me that I had been very productive, and that it was ok for me to rest, to do nothing. To sit. To just be.
Sometimes it takes someone else to help us remember.
As someone so self-critical, from my history of self blame, over responsibility and any kind of support – Self compassion is significantly difficult. Especially as I also hear the self voices that disbelieve in it, that write it off, the voices that are scared of it, its as if shame can have an internal voice that’s screaming because it knows that its about to be listened to, cared for and have warmth applied to it.
It hates that by the way.
Self love wins.
On our Honeymoon in Santa Barbara, Christelle and I went to an amazing bookstore (twice) – Paradise Found In it I could easily have spent far too much on books, and I was probably only restricted by my luggage allowance… The one book I bought was this one:
I am going to write about the different types of responses I have had the self help books.
Safe to say this one has been like a warm snuggly blanket from the beginning. I have felt safe reading it, and its softened my heart to discover a path of self compassion, for myself. I began a few weeks ago to write down privately a journal of self compassion, and where this path was going to take me, what I need to have self compassion and warmth for.
It is as if every day I get the opportunity to practice. Even when it comes to ‘just writing a blog’ .
Let me close with some words adapted from the book, that were appropriate to me yesterday.
May I have compassion on myself, for being self critical
May I have compassion on the feelings that I have
May I have compassion on myself, breathing in love, like oxygen from the air, and feel that breath flow through my body
May I have compassion on my wounded heart
May I have compassion on my overactive mind
May I give myself grace
May I be a best friend to myself and to this present moment.
May I tend to my shame feelings with warmth and gentleness
May I have compassion on myself
My words, adapted from HeartWork – The Path of Self Compassion (Radhule Weininger)
In that moment of slow. Not Self beating, but self healing and compassion. Restoring my heart and soul to its core truth, feeling and loving myself, one breath at a time. I can make a choice to love, and love myself. Shame loosens its grip, peace and love flow.
Sometimes life gives the opportunity to practice, immediately. The opportunity to note the feelings that naturally arise, and respond with self loving care.
Last night I got frustrated with myself, and it was ok.
It gave me an opportunity to show myself love and compassion.
But trying to help others, was making me confused, making writing not what I wanted to be any more.
But it was safe.
Safe to hide behind ‘Learning from the Streets’ or ‘Healing for Men’
Safe to be a ‘thing’ and not to be me.
Safe to hide.
Yet most of the time I was writing about me, as you know from the stories I’ve shared above.
But I want to write a whole load more, a whole load more about life, about my life, about who I am, and the mystery of it all, and I want to be free.
Free myself from trying to be helpful.
Because its time.
For me, to be me.
And keep writing from my heart, soul, mind and spirit.
And own it.
‘The known has gone and the unknown awaits – the story ends and the story begins, over and over, as we dangle eternally in the present’. There is nothing more to add, and there is always a little more. Life spills over’
Matt Haig, How to Stop Time (2017)
Its time. Now is the time.
Time to be me, and proud of me.
Time to not hide in the shadows of someone else’s story.
Time to live, Time to life.
Are you in it, or watching it?
Its time for me, to be in it.
The spillages of life bubbling over
Life in all its warm, vulnerable, exposed, fullness
Life in all its beauty, colour and vibrancy
Life in all its meaning, truth and mystery
Life in all its wonder, pain and death
Life, in, real time, in the now of all its full ness.
A lot of people do not realize that they are in an abusive relationship. Here are some of the signs that you could be in an abusive relationship that you need to get out of…
Your partner sexually or physically abuses you. If they ever make you have sex with them when you don’t want to, hit you, shove you, or push you, this is domestic abuse.
Your partner threatens you or your family.
Your partner puts your down. They attack your capabilities, mental health, looks, or intelligence. They blame you for their violent outbursts.
Your partner is jealous. They may isolate you from your family or friends or they may accuse you of not being faithful.
Your partner is possessive. They may check up on you all of the time and they may get angry if you hang out with certain people.
Your partner has strangled you, beat you, or hit you in the past.
Emotional Abuse
When we talk about raising awareness for Domestic Violence Awareness Month, it’s important that we acknowledge emotional abuse. This is a much bigger problem than a lot of people realize. Just because you don’t have bruises on your skin does not mean you are not being abused. A lot of women and men suffer from emotional abuse, and it is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often overlooked or minimized, even by those experiencing this.
Emotional abusers look to chip away at your feelings of independence and self-worth. You can end up feeling like you do not have anything without your abusive partner or that there is no way out of your relationship.
Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse. This includes controlling behavior, intimidation, isolation, shaming, blaming, name-calling, and yelling. Abusers who use psychological or emotional abuse will often throw about threats of physical violence, as well as other repercussions if you do not do what they demand.
Gaslighting is one form of emotional and verbal abuse
The scars of emotional abuse run deep, and they are very real! You may assume that physical abuse is a lot worse, as people can end up with physical wounds and send you to the hospital. However, emotional abuse can be just as damaging. Sometimes, it can even be worse. This is why it is important to raise awareness of all types of domestic violence and abuse.
Financial abuse is one of the subtler forms of emotional abuse. Some examples of this include:
Taking your money or stealing from you
Sabotaging your job – calling constantly or making you miss work
Preventing you from choosing your own career or working
Restricting you to an allowance
Withholding basic necessities, such as shelter, medications, clothes, and food
Making you account for every penny you spend
Withholding credit cards or money
Rigidly controlling your finances
Note that Men can experience Domestic abuse too. I have experienced both abuse by a controlling dominating Mother and then having suffered emotional abuse in a previous long term relationship.
If you would like to speak in confidence about Domestic Abuse that you are suffering as a male – then do contact this helpline – https://mensadviceline.org.uk
Its not just women, its not just relationships linked to poverty, its not relationships ‘out there’ it occurs in churches and so called ‘christian relationships’ no relationship is immune from it, when actions occur that stem from not taking personal responsibility, blaming, deep neediness, as well as power imbalances.
If you have committed abuse of others – do get help – there is time, there is support to change, should you realise that there is a better way to behave.
The world is a better place when we all are too.
There is no shame in asking for help
There is no shame in admitting that there is a problem in your relationship
There is no shame in realising that you have been or are being abused.
It isn’t your fault, their behaviour isn’t your responsibility.
Time to make yourself safe, time to deserve better, time to feel like living and not just surviving.
Its about being vulnerable, and embracing discomfort
Thats what some of the books say.
Thats what’s required for life, for creativity and innovation (Brene Brown, Daring Greatly)
I get it. I want to get it.
But.
Even the first of these seems risky.
Loving myself. Loving and listening to myself.
Becoming aware of my feelings.
It was brought home to me over the last few weeks.
Its a risk.
Complex trauma, both emotional neglect and abuse, coupled with strong childhood adherence to an evangelical faith make this risky.
Too many self sacrificing defaults have been set.
Too many ‘put others first’ learned behaviours have been performed.
Too many times was it safer for me to revolve around others, my abusive mothers, needs than attend to my own – too many times soothing my abuser meant safety for me.
Too many times I heard – ‘love your neighbour’ very few times I heard ‘as yourself’ – though with the all too often shame that was associated with too much pride. Shame.
Ahh yes, that ‘S’ word.
The word you’d feel if you uttered the other S word in church.
And fear of being accused of being Selfish was the other S word. Especially at Home.
It took a risk to start to think of myself as anything, let alone something – though I sort of knew I was ok.
Self love is risky.
Knowing I can love myself – without justification
Knowing I can choose what I do with my time – can feel utterly alien and pushing through sand to feel like this is even allowed or possible
That voice. That inner critic voice. Be useful. Don’t be lazy. Stay Busy. You don’t deserve this. Surely there’s something else to do.
Its as if its waiting for that moment.
Self love can feel a risk.
A risk because it challenges so much of…well everything.. everything I once knew and had become default.
My childhood emotional needs, my identity and adaption into an evangelical christian faith (though it needn’t have been as evangelical to still have all those ‘S’ words)
Loving myself is a challenge and a risk. A risk that means looking inwards. A Risk because I dont often want to look at or be close to the painful bits, or shame bits, and feeling like I’m not able to love myself because I might be in trouble for doing so, or be told off for being selfish, or its something else.
Self love is risky because i grew up with an understanding of responsibility and fault. I believed I was to blame, and I took on responsibility, because I was projected on as being spoilt, selfish, too clever, messy, not there enough for that person, not fulfilling her needs, not able to ‘fix’ the family.
The over think everything, get lost in my thoughts, think them through, think all the options, think about what I should have done, what I didnt do, what I need to do what I am , what kind of person I was or am, think James, think, and it keeps on going, wake up with the same thinking thoughts.
I was the fixer of, and helper of others. Responsible. Over thinking.
Self love is a risk – for that voice tells me not to be selfish.
I love the writing of Dr Glenn Patrick Doyle, recently he shared this on his blog
Self love is a risk. Self love, deep self love is courageous.
It changes the pattern.
It undo’s the default.
It communicates to myself that I am important.
Its a risk. Its a risk every time.
Its a challenge every day.
Brene Brown is right. We are living in an age of scarcity. An age where love is scarce- but where products are traded as love. Loving ourselves is the risk to start turning to whats inside of ourselves as a source of love, a source of peace and joy, and give this the opportunity to shine. Self love may well be the source of the river, where it all starts.
Maybe Jesus was saying, you can only love your neighbour as you love yourself. That was the challenge set down to the lawyer who asked in the question. Can you love yourself? and in that love – will your neighbour be loved too? It wasn’t just loving a neighbour for show. Where might there be balance in the love for self and neighbour/others in the Bible – just thinking out loud…
Self love is about being brave and courageous – taking the risk and being vulnerable to myself- not just being strong and getting through it.
Self love.
Do you dare take the risk? Do you dare not too?
Thank you for reading my blogs on this page, if you’d like to support my work and writing further, you can do so by making a gift donation here, thank you
Wrote a little blonde me aged 5 – about 7 months after I had visited Buckingham Palace on my 5th Birthday.
The Queen featured 4 times in my early writing
She was featured more times than any other person, except for my sister and parents.
I wrote about going to the Queens house
The Queen came with me to my friend Lois’s house too
and the sun shone and there was a rainbow
and the sky is blue
and I had lots to say and describe
and it looked like this:
I discovered my childhood writings last year, my first primary school writing book, after remembering a box of items my late grandmother has set aside for me, or my aunts had given me to look through. This is where my writing history began. Its also a psychologists dream. What did little James actually write, aged 5?
I found that I wrote about the Queen, I wrote about rainbows, and I wrote about having fun at other peoples houses. I wrote about going to the Queens house.
I wrote about feeling big at the Queens house. Where there was a giant.
Today too as write this aged 44, the sky is also blue and it is raining and there is a rainbow.
RIP Our Queen, My Queen, the person who made me feel safe from the giants, who made me feel big.
James Ballantyne 