Imagine a cold house that’s meant to be your home. Imagine that it is a place where there is no genuine love. Imagine that it isnt safe to express an opinion. Imagine that it is a place where you are used to being told off, and the rules keep changing. Imagine that its a place where you have to grow up fast. Imagine its a place where you avoid. Imagine that its a place of emotional confusion, having to be responsible for the person who you watch abuse others. Imagine growing up where love is false, where smiles are fake or pretend – just for the cameras. Imagine a house in which you feel completely and utterly alone. Imagine having your every movement watched, either from the school playground, with flying monkeys – or have them lead in safe places, as Sunday school leaders, because….
Now imagine what growing up in this type of ‘home’ is like – and these ‘parents’ are devout Christians.
Imagine.
Imagine that these parents don’t protect you from each other, believe their own lies, and justify their actions, punishments, lack of love and emotional neglect with Bible verses. Imagine the extensively of shame and guilt growing up.
Imagine what this does to your ‘spiritual side’?
Imagine if home isnt safe – yet these parents do everything to display to others being christians?
Imagine that shame and guilt, as well as conformity, people pleasing and ‘being mature for my age’ – being contributors to staying, and finding an identity in the same evangelical tradition. Imagine what view I might have of God as result?
To give the church, I went to, credit – it was a safe place spiritually, and to some extent emotionally in my late teens – and they, well some of them, weren’t to know (though also – everyone knew). It wasn’t the church’s fault that the ‘hole’ in my life was an emotional neglect that was impossible for me to describe at the time, and that most of my behaviour then, and up until recently, emanated from my early years.
For me, Spiritual Abuse started in the home.
How could it not be considered spiritual abuse?
….as well as emotional and psychological abuse – by someone who is measuring high on any ‘dark triad’ scale (Psychopathy/Sociopathy/Narcissm)
In their excellent book ‘Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse’ , Dr Lisa Oakley and Justin Humphreys make an attempt to define Spiritual Abuse. They say that:
Spiritual abuse is a form of emotional and psychological abuse. It is characterised by a systematic pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour in a religious context. Spiritual abuse can have a deeply damaging impact on those who experience it. This abuse may include: manipulation and exploitation, enforced accountability, censorship of decision making, requirements for secrecy and silence, coercion to conform, control through use of sacred texts or teaching, requirement to obedience to the abuser, the suggestion that the abuser has a divine position, isolation as a means of punishment and superiority and elitism’
(Oakley, 2018)
They also say that defining Spiritual abuse is notoriously difficult and go on to affirm that many people dont realise that what they have experienced is Spiritual Abuse; then again, its also true to say that most people dont realise that they are in an emotionally abusive relationship until they can see it, and have it pointed out to them… however, I digress, they affirm that
Spiritual Abuse is a form of emotional and psychological abuse…..(and)… that Spiritual abuse can happen outside of places that might be considered ‘spiritual’ contexts (like churches, organisations etc)
(Oakley, Humphreys, 2019)
My ‘home’ growing up – was a spiritual context. There were ‘evangelical’ phrases around on the walls, such as this one:
The Bible was read aloud every breakfast time. Prayers were made to accompany it. As was a reading from the ‘Daily bread’. Prayers said each night. Church went to each Sunday, and each Sunday even on holidays – and ‘they were leaders’ in the church (one of them still is).
It was definitely the intention of the parents that the home was a spiritual place, or at least a religious one, in fact, Christian culture was everywhere, from Larry Norman LP’s (no ‘secular music’), few fiction books visible (aside from on my own children bookshelves), and considerable time was given to the life of the church – from building it, hospitality, services, hosting and baking. Church was actually the only identity my parents had.
It was definitely a spiritual context then – would you agree?
But as Oakley says, Spiritual Abuse needn’t just happen in a spiritual context.
They describe in accessible detail the markers of Spiritual abuse and what it can look like, here I try and paraphrase them, with a few examples and direct quotes from their chapters:
Coercive Control ; ‘Domination and controlling others – using ‘God’/Scripture/principles as a tool for coercion
Under pressure: ‘feeling pressured or manipulated into service’
Birds of a feather stick together: ‘ Demanding that persons agree with them, conformity’ including bullying them to conformity, victimisation and gossip.
Give an account of yourself : ‘Having an undue coercion to be accountable to people’ – where this for scrutinous purposes
Shifting Sands;
One of the most challenging and psychologically difficult aspects of spiritual abuse is shifting perceptions of reality. When people experience controlling behaviour, this can be followed by either a denial of the incident or a retelling or twisting of the story which suggests that the behaviour was actually positive or for the persons own benefit
(Oakley, Humphreys 2019)
They do not use the term DARVO in the book – but this is what they are explaining above, as well as selective amnesia and defensive projecting, and – (and may distort so that they project themselves as the victim). Spiritual abuse this can look like ‘The devil made me do it’ or ‘ you wouldn’t be accusing a vicar of doing such a thing..would you?’
Silence is Golden ; ‘ Where people either in a congregation or elsewhere, leadership…are manipulated into..silence..’ – at the point of disagreeing, confronting or raising a concern. Especially to protect ‘the church’, the ‘name of God’ and the reputation.
You’ve tried the best – why bother with the rest ; ‘dont mix with ‘other christians’ they are _______- insert the word ‘liberal’ or ‘not as holy’ or ‘dont believe in ____ like we do’
Its based on Fear ; ‘ When people told us their stories of spiritual abuse, there was a strong sense of fear’ Spiritual abuse is often accompanied by fear – fear of being rejected by the system, fear of ‘eternal’ or present punishment, fear of being judged.
Because the Bible tells us so ; ‘ When the Bible is used to manipulate, control , to beat you over the head, to pressurise’
What of this kind of scenario; it was said to her that “the Bible says children are to obey their parents” while staring down at you in absolute disgust and not allowing you to speak because of you speak you are talking back but if you don’t respond you are disrespecting and never pay attention
A second was to be told that,.“The Bible says you are not to be unequally yoked” was used to get a child to break up with boyfriends not white…
(just hold this thought before moving on- how horrific is this?)
Did you get the message :’ obedience’ – self sacrifice.. ‘unity’ (for the sake of conformity) are also key aspects
‘Touch not the anointed’ – When folks are told that a person is a ‘spiritual’ person and is elevated above the ‘normal’ rules. Where that person was the only person able to hear from or speak to God – and this was a view perpetuated. Spiritual entitlement and exclusive access to the divine are one of the reasons that ‘Religious leader’ is one of the top ten jobs that psychopaths inhabit. (Eriksen, 2018)
‘Is God in it’?
As we have said, Examples of spiritual abuse include coercion and control, but what can be really damaging is the suggestion that God is behind or in agreement with the damaging behaviour.
(Oakley, Humphreys 2019)
because……
When people experience coercive and controlling behaviour in the name of God, it can significantly damage their personal faith and belief in God.
I look at the above list in the book – and recognise so much of this in what I experienced growing up – that the blurred distinction between emotional abuse and spiritual abuse is irreverent, It was nearly all there and in the home – it didn’t look like loyalty and control from a person acting in their role as a spiritual leader – but by someone who claimed authority as a person adhering to a religion in the home.
I look at the above list and realise how easy it would be to fall into the trap of being abused spiritually and emotionally in the home, and then receive the same treatment in future relationships and also spiritual settings. I think thats what’s known as trauma bonding. I wonder the extent to which I was trauma bonded to the church. Maybe thats for a part 2. What effect did this all have on me? What God was represented to me in the actions of the abusive ones?
What was God like for me?
One of the features of Spiritual Abuse, and any is that its not realised often until many weeks and months later. It requires awareness of what it is, as well as emotional and psychological abuse to spot it, and then raise it to the relevant authorities. Trusting in your feelings about someone, and being brave to raise a concern. It shouldn’t just be people like me interested in this issue because of my own experience, nor should it just be leaders in churches who go on safeguarding courses.
We need to talk about Spiritual Abuse – and how, with emotionally abusive christian parents, it starts from the home.
If you feel that this is something that you have experienced, or experiencing do seek help from a professional, a therapist, 31;8 have a helpline, or do call other free helplines in the UK on this subject or any in regard to domestic or emotional abuse.
For all that I have described the details of the abuse I suffered.
What if it was just me.
What if it was just me, and my family who suffered and experienced the monster. Our Monster.
Because, its very likely isnt it?
Thats the game they play – jackal in public – hyde away in private.
Public persona – just about gets through – unless challenged, unhinged or worked out
Ensuring that the suffering goes on alone.
Ensuring that the suffering isn’t believed
What if it was just me – because thats more than likely – isnt it?
The Family.
They can put on ‘literal’ Sunday best behaviour out there – for an hour a Sunday, or 9-5 Monday to Friday.
Have friends or allies.
Meanwhile – was I the only one?
Was is just my family whose lives were wrecked by her?
I mean – would anyone in their jobs ever see it?
Would they ever make a complaint?
Would they diminish it, or be scared of it?
Would they ever see it – and choose to ignore it?
Triangulated?
Whilst the family suffered?
But thats the thing isnt it
Men who abuse their wives – play a great round of golf, talk the talk,
Women who abuse their husbands – playing the kindly one as teacher, vicar or nurse…or a dominant sales person ready to lie for money
Hiding behind the social norm, that it’s only men who are abusive
Could be the person in your workplace, and you wouldn’t know it
Part of their game, hiding parts of their life away
So, the family know, they’ve felt the scars
We’ve then done the lifelong work, amateur psychologists trying work the monster out, professional therapy patients in recovery, healing with survivors gift
Took us, took me, a long time to realise what it was.
But can they act out a normal living whilst they’ve abused so appallingly? How is that even possible?
The psychopath at large, choosing victims appropriately. Playing the victim appropriately.
Darvo games
Only leaving the obvious trail amongst the unheard, silenced, victims
But leaving a trail elsewhere, that only the aware can spot.
So maybe only the family got abused.
Only the family saw their splintered personality at large
Only the family felt the cold
Only the family were stolen from, emotionally, physically and financially
Maybe it was only just the abused who know the abuser.
The truth has set us free – whilst they lie to everyone else.
So maybe it was just me, just us.
The victims who know and see – who saw and felt
It really cant just have been me?
But what if it was – what if its ‘just’ family.
They couldn’t do that – could they – be so good to get away with it elsewhere?
Or has that trail waiting to be discovered? Has no one come forward? Too scared or terrified?
The shame of being a victim, shame of exposing them, silenced into silence.
What if there are other stories waiting to be told? What if it wasn’t just me?
I wouldn’t know – until one of them was brave. Until one of them got angry, until one of them took a stand, but what if that story is dead? – unable to speak?
Its not possible to be just me – it cant be- can it?
Whats hidden in places, what trail was left behind, what tales behind closed doors never come to the open?
Theres no shame in being a victim of my monster, in speaking out – talk to us, talk to me – I already know. You are not to blame.
It cant just have been me – cant just have been family, can it?
Surely others can see?
Thank you for reading this piece, if you would like to respond to me, do so via my contact details, if you have stories of your own regarding my monster, then I would love to hear from you. Know that I will listen and it was not your fault.
I think I must have been 7 or 8 years old when I got the lead role in the Primary school play, I was to take the part of the shop keeper. There was no selection process, other that my primary school teacher Mrs Knox (I think) choosing me for the role. I remember it well.
Little Bowden Primary school – its been updated a bit since 1985….
I have been reflecting on vulnerability recently, and also reading Brene Browns book ‘Braving the Wilderness’ in it she tells stories of her childhood. Maybe thats why this one comes to mind to me.
I played the shopkeeper – I was given the ‘adult’ role in the group, being the ‘grown up’ aged 7 or 8 – When everyone else in the class could be a toy, a doll, a vehicle, an action hero. When the shopkeeper (me) closed the door at 5pm, the toys (my friends in costumes) all came mysteriously to life.
They could play in front of people. I had 5 mins at the beginning of the performance and less than 2 mins at the end – the other 40 odd minutes was about the playful enjoyment of the toys that came to life and their adventures, self realisation of ‘life’ and what they discovered they could do – alive.
When they played, I was to one side, waiting for my moment – waiting for a moment to respond to their sneaky, secret playing; being the magical toys that came to life. I overlooked, whilst they played – even at age 7. I watched other people play and have fun.
I was to be the one who was shocked, betrayed, and look as If I was telling them off for it. What and whose role was I copying here I wonder?
The joke was on me. It was also on me, as my time arrived to respond I had to do a ‘shocked’ face, and what I expected was the audience, including my parents, to clap and cheer and even be with me in my faux astonishment – from what I remember, the audience thought it was funny and laughed.
It wasnt a ‘I tripped over on the stage’ moment when they laughed because I made a mistake – no – there was laughter in the audience when I did what I was supposed to do. The joke was on me – twice.
I had never really thought about my ‘on stage’ moments before, I was narrator in a few Christmas nativities or in the orchestra for others, I wonder now what was going on in me at that very young age.
I was good at reading and music, so they might have been easy reasons for my roles. But..
I remember now, 37 years on, being uncomfortable with being physically embarrassed, ie acting, dancing in public that sort of thing. It was as if I couldn’t see myself doing that movement and so I’d shy away from it.
Though I played sports and for teams, the same public physical disconnection occured, I was good in practice but for the team not so much. I couldn’t disconnect brain, thinking slowed down instinct…there was something about how I couldn’t connect my physical body, relax, let it move – so self conscious, so in my head.
And since the same age, probably 7 or 8 I hated action songs in church – and wherever possible hid behind playing the music for them.
There was something also about seeing life from a viewpoint that everyone else seems to have fun, or be able too, and from an early age I was cast as ‘responsible’ or narrator or musical prompt (of others fun) and until these last few days I hadn’t really realised it.
Fun was what other people had…
So it was better for me to grow up quickly and leave fun behind…do sensible things, like study and learn – I assessed that I was to do ‘responsible’ things.
At least, even from primary school that’s the role I played, so I became the facilitator of other people’s fun, on the edges, the sidelines, the owner of the shop, not the toy that came to life. The responsible one.
Theres something there about becoming a youth worker – facilitating other peoples fun, putting my own ‘fun’ to one side..
It’s amazing how some of the smallest things in our childhoods are seen in a new light, light at all, and I’m constantly reminded that being close to these things is an opportunity to heal them. Not that these were traumatic experienced, but ones where I look back on and reflect somewhat… Did these roles cast me in them – or were they what my teachers identified as my strengths? could easily be both.. ..
What about you? What school experiences did you have that might be signs or symbols for you?
I had built it up over the weekend, tried to put it off, thought it, over thought it, woke up thinking about it, not been able to sleep thinking about if its the right decision was about to make.
Then I realised that it wasnt that it was about the ‘right decision’
It was about the fact that I had to say no to someone, someone who offered me some work
I didnt want to do that thing, say No.
I was also due to go and see some properties later today – but I realised that neither were going to be suitable – so that was another ‘No’ telephone call.
I expected the work person to be annoyed, I expected them to say that I had inconvenienced them, I feared being made to feel guilty for saying No. Why?
Because that’s what saying No meant every time when in an abusive relationship.
Saying no – was responded to with anger or guilting – for not accommodating their needs
How dare you say no to me!
You’ve upset me and let me down
You haven’t tried hard enough – this is your fault
I dont like you when you say no
You always do what you want
and the rest…
Theres no wonder why working through issues of conflict and saying No have been part of my healing and self aware story – Learning the power of No is here – the rest of my story is above in the links
So I was building up to the phone call.
Deep breath.
Adrenaline going
Lots of energy being spent…
and…
And it was ok.
The person understood.
The person was wished me well. The person was grateful that id been honest with them. The person realised that I needed more from them as an employer.
The person I said no to – realised that my needs were important. Interesting that.
Then I had to say no to some viewings – the estate agents, thanked me for calling and offered other properties and said ‘ thats ok James, there’ll be others more suitable’
The Estate agent recognised my needs – as I said no to them too. Interesting that.
What happens when you are emotionally damaging relationships with emotionally needy people – is that you are never ever seen, seen to have needs, or wants or desires – these all pale into insignificance, to the needs of the neediest. Yes is the only word to say to them, as otherwise it opens the door to the emotional rage from within. Eggshells again.
I said No today and It was ok.
I said No 3 times today – and it felt good.
I even walked out of a car sales garage saying No and not feeling bad about it- I mean thats progress too!
I didnt realise that people might actually be ok if I said no to them.
I put my needs first.
I eliminated things that weren’t the right thing for me.
I chose myself.
Also – because everything is just a tiny bit stressful at the moment, with job and flat all change situation – I forgot things I learned a while ago.
Or worse – they started to attack.
what will be their reaction,have you let people down again? and the rest…
Today, I had a healthy reminder that it should be ok to say no. That No is about protecting, about deciding and about thinking about my needs.
I had a reminder of the power of No.
I had a reminder that I might be worth more than what was on offer – and that the other person could actually see that.
I felt proud of myself that I had said no. I felt relieved too.
Today was a bit of a life lesson, a reminder, of the energy required to muster up the power of No. – and doing it in the midst of tiring life situations…
What if the No creates the space for the Yes to emerge? – well…maybe thats for another time…
They know that they need to use other people to get people to do things for them
They know that they cant take responsibility
They know that when they write to you
So, they write with only wanting to win or get something from you in mind.
Therefore:
What does this mean for the abusive, emotionally immature parent and how they communicate? – especially when its in writing – via email or text?
Well, thats when it gets weird.
They cant hide, what Gary Zukav describes as their split consciousness or personalities – in fact its often the place where it is most revealed.
they cant get away with more verbally as it spews out so quickly – but in writing….
These are just some of the examples of weirdness in emails I have received in the last 20 odd years.
The Formal. Their professional life is when they feel ‘safe’ or accepted – so they revert to using only professional language within their family communications. A formal note to let you know that ‘the Professor ______ (Mum or Dad to you) is moving jobs and is inviting you to a service of celebration’ or a formal text directing you to do something – that sounds as if your boss wrote it, not a parent. Its dissociation from any attachment to parental role. Writing to you in the third person. They know they’ve been awful at it so they are avoiding it.
The Confused tense. Its like an email that was written by 4 separate people but was only written by one of them. It could start with ‘your mother’ then ‘I’ is as in their professional role (again), then theres a ‘Mum’ at the end, and a PS referring to ‘Your Dad’ it could be all over the place in terms of who is writing it. They could throw in a few first names in their too.
Hide and Seek. This is when the abusive one gets the other parent to write the email, because you haven’t responded for the 3rd/4th/5th time to theirs. But – there will be clues that its not really the other parent that has written it. And if it is, it will have had to go through the abusive parent screening process – or been written together. Remember when Ivanka Trump wrote that formal statement/email one time… – who do you think wrote it… exactly. Often the negotiator parent is the other parent, actual abuser hides away.
Find the sympathy ; This is when the abusive parent uses the other one to cause you to feel guilty. They do this because they know that they cant illicit any sympathy from you about them, even though they try. So its like dad writing; ‘ Your mother was very upset when…. ‘ or mum writing; ‘ Dad was angry when ….’ They willl rarely say ‘I was upset when’ if they have to have control of the communication, but know that they cant illicit the sympathy, so they use someone else.
The Contradictions: Each communication is a contradiction. There will be one thing they want from it – and this is usually embedded in a whole load of extraneous confusing manipulative rubbish, or where the title and content of the email make absolutely no coherance whatsoever.
The Giveaway. Somewhere in the communication, they will give away something that they feel gives them the upper hand, to make you threatened. So they’ll say something like ‘ Hows the new job going?’ – when you know you haven’t told them – but they’ve got the information from somewhere, someone, or by stalking you on social media.. they give it away, because they want you to stew over how they know. They might giveaway a whole host of other things, theres usually one or two in there. Like I say, they leave a trail….
The Trigger. They love this. As Lindsay Gibson writes, they will use Guilt, shame, fear or duty to try and get you to do what they want you to do (Gibson 2019) . (you just have to work out which it is) – Some where there is a trigger in it of one of these. Another trigger cause be some like their give away, or just some thing that causes you to respond as in a trauma state – fight, flight, fawn, freeze etc, they do it deliberately. Why? – because they want a response, any response is attention, any angry response and they have won. They just want to win.
Triangulation tactics: Watch for all the items where they want information from you about other people – because those other people aren’t giving them information – and dont be their mole. Also – watch for all the times where they want to be the beholders of information and control by swirling drama – like sharing news about a family members illness – only to when you get this checked out with someone else it wasnt anything like as bad as it was. They were just using it to make themselves look like they were concerned and to have some communication. I used to get ‘ ______ is really ill at the moment we think she might be on their last few days, but dont worry about coming to visit’ – What does this reveal? exactly – and when I could spot it… The person wasnt as ill, and then I got the information from better sources.
Old Memories. Theres a reason why that parent might refer you back to a time when ‘things were rosy’ and ‘how much your parents loved you’ or ‘those happy holidays in 1972’ – because…. they might well have been the happiest time for them, in regard to you – it was a time when you hadn’t worked them out yet (you were only 7) or had only just met them in the family (you just got engaged to them, if it was your ex or their parents) – the past is littered with memories that they had of you – but you probably didn’t share – or their was so many other memories that could also be had that even on the same holiday others didnt share. they might have had a great time in 1972 – but its unlikely anyone else on the same holiday did. They take you back – to see if they can ‘win’ by appealing to a time…
Emotional Projection. Its a bit like the formal writing of number 1, but slightly more subtle. Its more like you are their emotional dump ground where they want to tell you everything about them, their pains, ailments (sympathy), how ___ treated them (playing victim) , the price of petrol, money worries (shared pain – I want your empathy) , a struggle to overcome (be proud of me) , I did a thing (look at me) , Im about to do a thing please come and see me do a thing (look at me, they love showing off by the way) , complaints about so and so in the family (are you on my side?) , look at them being all such and such (but dont look at my faults and weaknesses) – they’re pulling you into their drama.
Watch for their (fake) concern. In amongst all of 1-10 – they might also give you this. A tiny little line in which they show some concern for you – its like the hamster trying to exist in a cage of snakes, the chocolate square in a lemon soup. Everything else is sour, sharp and dangerous – yet theres a tiny shred of something in amongst it to pull at a different bit of heartstrings. Those heart strings that have raged, numbed, been shredded by the other 90% of it – this is the bit that tempts you to go ; ‘ but they’re not that bad, look at least they’re trying’ – yeah – that hamster has got no change. Its not like a candle in the darkness, bearing warmth to everything else. Its a tantalising piece of concern chocolate in a soup of thick lemon, bitter, and out of place and context. A trap.
The Pained Ask: If they want to get you to fix their fence – they will find a way of guilting you into it – if they want just a reply- they will find a way. What they rarely do though is just ask the question. They won’t say ‘ Could you pop around and fix the fence please’ they’re more likely to say ‘Your Mother and I require your assistance to fix the fence’ (formal) or ‘Can you believe the fence fell down again and the dog escaped, next door went mad when she dug their roses, and she’ll do it again if you cant come around’ – their ask is embedded in so much other stuff…because they want to make it hard for you to say no. They think you’re more likely to care about the neighbours roses than them. Speed is a tactic of the emotionally immature – they want you to jump when they say.
The lies and often the Bullshit. Almost everyone from an abusive, self-absorbed, narcissistic psychopathic parent will be lies. Treat it as such, its their life script – to win at every interaction and do everything to do so – they generally do not care how. Get everything checked out if you can. They are likely to make stuff up or have no regard for truth at all – just to get a response.
Because of all of this, the lack of coherance, the ‘WTF’ reactions, the contradictions and manipulative asking – as a combination (and some emails can include all of this) – they convey nothing like what a ‘decent’ parent might actually communicate. But, most of the time, its been what you have been used to for your entire life, the weirdness thats so hard to explain, and only when someone else reads it do they provide you with clarity and validation of their abusiveness. What they often dont want to do is be completely threatening, offensive and – so what they look to do, is be just on the line, and make it look as though its a polite nice email – when actually it so loaded its nothing other than a continuation of fear, guilt and control tactics.
What to do when they get in touch? – look for all the clues – breathe and step away. You don’t need to respond, it doesn’t matter what the urgency is they exclaim – often they can find someone else- but are hoping you are still under their spell.
What do I learn from all of this – that from an early age – I become a studier of persons and interested in psychology.
Often its the emails that a hidden away, we lock them in a terror box, in the spam folder, read once and never to see the light of day, (and no I haven’t just received one) – I rarely hear discussed is email communication by abusive parents/people – and so I thought I would bring some of these weird tactics to the light.
For more on dealing with Emotionally Immature parents I strongly recommend Lindsay Gibsons books, or Nina Browns – both have excellent guidance, checklists, examples and give so many good tips on dealing with narcissistic parents. (I have put links in the resources page above)
Thank you for reading and being part of this journey as I have shared chapters and sections of my story of surviving abusive parenting – all the sections are in the menu above.
What are the weird things that you’re abusive/narcissistic parents write to you?
(before you blocked them or put them in their place)
I made the choice to stay in bed the extra two hours this morning
Then when I woke up I chose to have a shower
I chose coffee over tea
then cereal over toast, id have loved blueberries on it, but didnt have any (I couldn’t make that choice)
I chose to sit on the couch and watch the birds as I ate, instead of at the table
and now I chose to write about it
I chose all of these things, they were choices I made
I chose also to get up and not dwell and let the challenges of yesterday take over
I chose to respond by getting up
I chose. They were my decisions.
Ive just got back from a two week visit to the South west of the USA, to spend Christmas with my now fiancé Christelle, and it was lovely to be away, away from job hunting, away from family drama and away.
There was something that I noticed at the very beginning of the time that I was there. Something I hadn’t never noticed before, from being in other countries, Spain, Greece or Tunisia.
Crossing roads was weird.
Now I get the ‘driving on the other side of the road’ thing – that makes sense. That was easy.
What was odd and disorientating was that responsibilities and choices were different.
As I made intentions clear..(a choice) I didnt know what was expected of me – what the custom was – who had the right of way, who would look if they were in a car, and when a car might wait for me that I wasnt used to.
What I could chose and what I had responsibility for was blurred. It was my responsibility to look and pay attention, to learn the customs and not expect all the 5m drivers in San Diego to obey my road crossing rules. It was my responsibility to keep myself safe, and also keep Christelle safe too.
Choice and responsibility is changing on the UK roads too, and it was the circulation of this diagram on social media that provoked this piece
The choices that are made now have different legal and physical consequences.
When I look back on my own life I can note the times when I have tried to cover up, our excuse the actual choices I made, in such ways as
‘I made a mistake’
or ‘The devil made me do it’ (when I was in a=n evangelical/charismatic phase)
‘that was a trauma reaction’ or
‘I didnt mean to do it’ (maybe followed by..)
‘Im only human…’
‘Im not as perfect as you think I am’
Its easier to hold someone else or something else responsible for your pain that to take responsibility for ending your own victimhood
Edith Eğer, The Choice
Trying to excuse, minimalise, convince the person I’ve hurt, or myself, that it wasnt me acting with responsibility in that moment. When the truth of the matter is, I made a choice. I cant say that I make a choice to have coffee at £3 in Starbucks every morning and then say ‘I made a mistake’ when I ran out of money, or I cant say that I make choices every day in my workplace, but only mistakes when abusing other people at parties. (though lets not confuse the issue further with the choices people make at work-parties, and their excuses afterwards)
Gary Zukav says this:
Each Choice that you make is a choice of intention. You may choose to remain silent in a particular situation, for example, and that action may serve the intention of penalising, sharing compassion, extracting vengeance, showing patience or loving. You may choose to speak forcefully, and that action may serve any of the same intentions.
Zukav (The Seat of the Soul)
He goes on to say that the splintered personality has many parts, each surfacing to fulfil the needs of the ego and what satisfies them. Eckhart Tolle writes:
If you had a choice, or realised that you do have a choice, would you choose suffering or joy, ease or non ease, peace or conflict? Would you choose a thought or feeling that cuts you off from your natural state of wellbeing, the joy of life within?
Tolle (The Power of Now)
When do I ‘take responsibility for choices’ or assign myself to the ‘poor me mistake maker’? – What positions to I take power in, what ones do I feel powerless in?
If its a choice- then I have to take responsibility for it – and not blame it away….facing that thought might be the most terrifying for all of us.
What consciousness (as Tolle would say) do I need to bring into situations so that I can see the light of what I do, as a choice , and make powerful choices even more?
Is there something different in the way we (Men) see the world – choices and responsibilities – than Women? Or given the greater awareness of abusive women in society than previously – is it something else? (just thinking out loud) Men are less likely to think about the consequences? – and this determines choice making?
Whether it affects it or not, We make choices. We can make good choices, to love, heal and joy – or we can make choices to hurt, confuse, damage and abuse. We can choose to love ourselves, and our world – or take from it and destroy. We can choose how we respond to oppression of poverty or war, we can choose. (The end of Poverty Safari by Darren McGarvey is very interesting)
I know there is more to write on this subject, and all three of the books I have mentioned are teaching and showing me more about choices and responsibilities, do give them a read. On Choice and responsibilities – what do you think? I know I haven’t covered the effects of trauma or medical diagnosis, or oppression in this piece, and so I know it is hugely complicated subject. I also want to write about how we have the power to choose our emotions, maybe thats in a follow up piece. Because, today I chose to get up, and chose how I might respond to today.
James Ballantyne 