Anger will mean someone else has to take responsibility for my feelings
Anger is to be avoided
I didnt want to be angry like they are.. when they got upset.
I internalised all of these, and I think other myths about Anger.
Time to stop believing the myths about Anger.
Yet I knew about anger…in theory… because like a ‘good’ youth worker I delivered ‘Anger Management’ classes..about 15 years ago.
I could soothe and listen, but had absolutely no experience of processing my own anger. With the exception of bottling it, and it being released in cynicism, and holding it all in.
I couldn’t be angry and expect others to have to deal with this. I had to be the one who dealt, responded even, to other peoples anger.
I didnt know what ‘being angry’ to the point of letting these feelings out.
I Mis-managed my own anger. Conditioned since childhood.
Anger gives me power. Anger enables me to take action. Anger now helps me realise that I have something to protect. Anger creates boundaries.
But its new, and still new for me, and im learning to be healthily angry.
I used to say ‘I dont get angry’ but what this meant that I suppressed everything.
Much Anger comes from Unmet needs
Melody Beattie (Codependent no more)
I was scared of my own anger, because I didnt know what it would be like.
Yet, without anger, and rage, there might not be the point beyond it to know what the actual source was and is, and experience the peace beyond. The thing we’re frightened of is often the thing that controls us.
Silent rage is destructive. If you’re not actively, consciously releasing anger, your holding on to it. And this is not doing you any good
Edith Eger . (The Gift)
So.. what did I do when I got angry this week. We’ll firstly I noticed that my despair at a situation only lasted for about 1-2 hours – in the past this may have lasted longer, I may have sunk, frightened.
But instead I realised that I could be angry about it.
I swore, a lot.
I threw a few cushions.
I drew with large crayons on paper, let the scrawl take what ever shape and told myself that it didnt matter it just needed to ‘come out’
And then I wrote, words, phrases, to the situation, to myself who had to deal with the situation. About my needs.
I talk more about my relationship with Anger here in my latest video
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I think I used to try and bypass my anger to try and find a place of calm, yet that calm was often like the proverbial shaken champagne bottle, calm, but raging.
Im learning to be better at this. Im learning to have a better relationship with my emotions, and sometimes get opportunities to practice…..
It took me a long while, and it required small practice steps, of even just re-learning to swear.
Time to bury the myths about anger.
Time to deal with it, ourselves.
Time to let it out and not feel judgement about it.
Notice, let it out, and listen to it.
Anger is a defence. Burning through it and the fear and grief is revealed underneath. Then its time to forgive ourselves. (Edith Eger)
By not releasing it were denying that we werent victimised or abused or that we’re human. Making ourselves numb. Pretending to be Ok.
What’s your relationship with Anger? What do you do to release it, and then process the core needs underneath it?
Lets face it, its far easier to put our complaints out in the open and enjoy the attention it receives. Playing victim can be an art form.
The weather. What ‘someone else did’. Blame ‘The Man’. The System.
A gloomy view of day to day life is notionally the norm. Often at bus stops. Train stations. Whenever there’s a group of people waiting. Or chatting in a cafe. Or at the end of church. Maybe its not a British thing. (Do let me know if you’re not in Britain reading this) Its the easy default culture to notice the bad, and to keep a memory of it.
If you’ve been reading my work before you will know that I have been processing and trying to understand myself through a lifetime of psychological games, and childhood abuse. This has been undoubtedly challenging and will I know be a constant long term thing. Accepting the ‘bad’ is one thing, a hard thing.
But it may be as difficult to accept the good.
It might be ‘just the accepted British way’ to say
‘It was nothing’…. when you’ve helped someone as their shopping fell out of the bag in Tescos car park and they said thank you and offered a gift.
or
‘Its just my job to do this’ ….after doing well in a presentation at work
or
‘Everyone else was having a bad day’ – when you’ve just won a competition
or
What about not actually believing someone when they tell you that you are loved, special, unique, beautiful or valued?
What is our reaction to hearing this from someone?
Is it dismissed as ‘being soft’, or ‘yeah yeah’ or not accepted?
It can be so difficult to admit that it’s actually difficult to accept being seen, being loved, being appreciated and praised. Why?
Because.. for some of us, maybe more of us than we’d like to admit, Praise was used to control and manipulate us… a form of breadcrumbs
Praise with strings.
Not just at home… church too….
It may even be that in some churches ‘praising God’ might be a similar transaction.. if I praise ..will this give me something I want..?
Pride cometh before a Fall.
Guess who heard this, in church and over and over and over again at home. This was a great reason not to praise or note someones gifts or strengths. What was interesting for me, was that I barely heard praise growing up (except from teachers or church leaders) and praise received was quickly belittled and quashed at home. ‘Dont want him getting big headed‘ ….
In another way though, every every christian denomination I have been in in the UK has some form of ‘Praising God’ for the good things in life, and ‘blaming the self’ for everything else. Its acceptance avoidance and also a denial of the person to be able to have some part in an action. God neednt have all the glory, or he can also have some of the responsibility for the failing things… or when churches close.. for example.
When ‘love’ , ‘gifts’ and ‘compliments’ have been weaponised and been tools for manipulation in our childhoods, and they were for me, I can tell how I learned to dismiss the need for them. Stoical survival: dismissing recognition of praise. I can recall those moments where I couldn’t accept a compliment for winning a race, or a piece of work.
It’s fascinating also though that in ‘Courage to be Disliked’, Kishimi and Koga write about how gratitude is different to praise. Stating
When we praise or rebuke others, the only difference is the carrot or the stick, yet the background is manipulation..
If receiving praise is what someone is after, then it is only right that they adapt to that other persons yardstick.. and put the brakes on the persons own freedom..
Kishimi, Koga, The Courage to be Disliked.
This is interesting in relation to praise and compliments, and accepting the good, praise might be unhealthy, but as children its something that (like punishments too) controlled us, and affected us and our acceptance of compliments, gratitude and affection ever since.
Because of its source.. it couldn’t be trusted. It wasnt safe.
But, that was then, this is the now. Isn’t it? (yes this takes a long time to accept too)
In what way has that conditioning still got a hold on us?
Might it be time to be a friend to yourself, to myself, and let go
The refusal to accept what’s a positive about yourself is a burden. Why go on carrying it?
Why deny ourselves the acceptance and appreciation of the beauty of the lotus (or the rose) and only focus on the mud?
Padraig O’Morain
Practically in his book ‘Acceptance’ Padraig O’Morian writes about how to listen, but then respond the the self-criticism voice inside of us.. the one that can constantly self sabotage and attack, suggesting that when the voice tries to launch into full scale attack.. ‘switch your attention from it and towards your breathing or something else, look out of the window, or focus on the movement of your feet, ‘gradually let the self attacking deflate of its own accord’ .
Because….Its perfectly healthy to accept ourselves and the good things, creative, loving, kind, achieving, wise things about ourselves. It maybe just takes a while to realise this. But it is healthy. It is. .
Its been a survival mechanism for those of us who have been on the receiving end of psychological (or spiritual) games in which acceptance of our good self has been weaponised. We masked not needing it, survived without it. What might happen if there were cracks and love came in?
It isn’t idealistic or dreamy to see the positive in a situation, even if you can see it long before someone else can, but how might I do this for the situations I am in, and not just for other people. We dont need to focus on the negative.
Acceptance of who we are , how we think, where we get energy, how we contribute in teams, in relationships is key. My recent video was on accepting my introversion, but there’s gifts in the extroverts too (yes really ;-)
What might our day to day lives be like if we can learn to accept, learn to see, and learn to talk the good in ourselves, in others and also in the world around us? Maybe it takes courage to accept the good. Courage to love and receive love. Courage to accept love and positivity.
It can be difficult to find reference to examples and awareness of how women can be also, and as abusive, both to men and other women. More often the ‘narcissist videos’ or websites or fb groups are for either gender, or primary targeted/gendered that men are the abusers. And thats ok, its not a complaint, just an observation.
I guess what im saying is that for a male victim of abuse it can be harder to find resources, and thus harder for them to see that they might have been manipulated themselves. Caught in a trap. Maybe there needs to be greater awareness that women, wives, mothers, sisters, aunties, female colleagues, female pastors and teachers.. can also be manipulative and abusive. For the myths that ‘a woman wouldn’t do that’ or ‘be that’ and maybe, is doing it deliberately – to be challenged.
And… this doesn’t get us Men off the hook. This about the ‘seeing the problem’ not alleviating responsibility by blame shifting ourselves, we have our own work to do to heal ourselves, get support, be vulnerable and recovery. Blaming the cause doesn’t heal. But, as when I first read the ‘pink book’ (‘Children of the ageing Self Absorbed’ by Nina Brown) it helped me to see, it helped me to start to take the blame weight off my shoulders, to see the games that were being played around me..the non winnable ones, the ones that questioned my sanity, the ones of gaslighting, denials and projections.
As a man, I await the backlash, and therefore all I intend to do here is pass on these two videos I saw this week.
Because, Starting to see is one step on the process to heal.
Both of these videos might be as useful to you as the pink book was for me.
There may well be other videos, and I recommend the ‘Decoding Narcissism’ and ‘Surviving Narcissism’ channels for more on these subjects generally.
If you are reading this and beginning to realise what you have experienced as abuse, know that you are not alone. The comments section on those two videos alone will enable you to realise that it is far more common that you have been led to believe. Know that a recovered life away from the game is possible, and that you can make changes to be free. It will be difficult. Find someone completely out of the situation, away from their friends, family, a therapist, and safety, and start to begin the process of being free and free to yourself.
If you have been made to believe that you dont deserve better
If you have been made to believe that you’re not good enough
If you have been made to believe that a woman is never wrong and when challenged is defensive, angry or plays the victim.
It doesn’t have to stay this way, you deserve better.
There are helplines on domestic abuse out there, as well as those specifically for men. Here is one of them in the UK. Man Kind do call them on 01823 334244.
I was ‘playing’ this around in my mind the other day, and I started writing, just to myself.
I often write on paper, even with pencil, just to get thoughts out, to see where they flow to.
Free writing with a conceptual starting point if you will.
And I began to construct that what ‘I think’ and who ‘I am’ have been on a journey.
It could be ‘my ego’ and ‘my identity’ but I prefer to use ‘I think’ and ‘I am’ . I dont mean the ‘I am’ that self talks back the lies.. like ‘I am fat’ or ‘I am stupid’ .. I mean the ‘I am’ identity. The bit of me, the bit of you that is who you are.
So here goes…
I am, and I think are on a journey.
Its one where ‘I think’ has led the way, I think.
Historically.
Led like a shiny steam engine.
‘I am’ has been just been pulled along for the ride,
a set of carriages with passengers, scared inside.
or going to the depot, after a fraught ride.
I think, taking them away.
I am, passive.
At least thats how it was- I think
I think, shiny at the front, shiny and bright, brass cleaned,
numbered, fed, water and polished
The Steam engine, attracting the polaroids and DSLRs, and notebooks.
I think.. leading the way
I think.. wanting the attention
I think…racing away
I think..in control
I think…believing the hype
I think..denying it needed anything
I think…lies to get all this
I am.. just a powerless carriage trailing behind
hosting passengers, hosting scenes, hospitality
Trying to please, making the best of chaos.
Making the best of disconnection between I think, and I am.
I am, pulled along and subject to the conditions of I think
I am, second or third class, no power, just a shell.
I think broke down.
I think realised the race it was on, was to a finish line that never ended
I think had gone too far, alone
I think was never therefore I am
I am wants more control of the action
I am is feeling its way
I am has been waiting, patiently
Watching the chaos, overcoming the scares
Hiding, now seizing the chance, the opportunity
Realising that I think is in trouble.
I think and I am not separate.
I am with a voice on the journey
I am letting I think know differently
Its now a different journey, with I am the driver.
I am has discovered, that it is
I am has emerged from the shadows, the sidings
I am can see the lies, pride and attention
The temptations and weaknesses that tormented I think
I am…. just knows
I am..is softer, messier, truer
Human, grease, smoke, heart and skin
its not a carriage to the engine
Alive.
I am now sees the whole Train
I am can see when I think plunges into darkness
or tries to race to destinations, frustrated or impatient, or critical of the passengers for being slow, or ignoring the signals.
I am can let I think know that it is loved.
I am is the driver, who knows what I think actually needs.
The brake. the coal, the water
And rest.
Attention from the inside of the boiler. Not just the outside.
The driver knows.
I am.
I think wrestled at first and tried to do without I am.
I feel intervenes now and then, the guard with the warning flags, messages from the back. I think knows its place..some of the time.
I think used to completely ignore I feel. Disregarded at the back of the carriage.
Guard in name only.
I am takes more of the wheel
I think can rest, its not on his own.
It doesn’t have to hurry or win.
I think trusts I am.
I think surrenders, to the I am that drives, attends and controls, to the I am that feels and knows. To the I am that discovered itself, found its place and realises it has to stay.
I am helps I think to doubt the lies it had to believe, and those it chose to
I am can help I think to realise the importance of I feel.. the guard
I am can speak softly to I think, and listen to what it needs and wants to say.
Because I am is connected to all.
I am knows. I am is.
I am is the divine within.
I think I am, therefore I am.
Maybe this is helpful just to me, as I realise the journey that I have been on, one from which was dominated by my thoughts, my thinking part of me, and how every other part of me was hidden and disregarded, for reasons ive described in my story above. And now I feel, that I am, and I think is still around, but the journey, just feels and is different.
What about you – what metaphor might you use for how your thoughts, feelings and identity have culminated in your life?
Im in the middle of reading this quite brilliant book, The Fifth Agreement, by Don Miguel and Don Jose Ruiz. I guess freedom must be on my mind as ive also just finished Edith Egers book The gift, on discovering personal, emotional freedom. More to follow.
But im just reflecting on , if Faith in myself is the real faith, and I am true.. what did I place too much energy and faith in before I discovered myself and who I am?
It is not necessary to satisfy other peoples expectations
Kishimi, Koga , The Courage to be disliked (2013)
This is hard stuff for me, so I thought I would write about it.
Most of my family, that is, both my lovely grandmothers, and more recently my Aunties, have commented on me being ‘such a good little boy’ when I was a child.
I can remember them doing this as a child, in defence of me, against my toxic mother.
My teachers said the same. In fact I remember astounding one teacher when I was 6 for wanting the spelling of a word that she thought I shouldn’t know. The word was blancmange. School reports aged 8 said that I was concientious. (not conceited) , and I didnt have google then to find out what this meant, so when I asked my parents what this word meant, there strangely wasn’t a response. I was told off for asking for a present for having a good school report.
What I didnt realise aged 8, was that this was about to be a pattern. Other people would see my gifts and general goodness, my mother would see either the opposite, de legitimise who I was or what they said.. or as ive said before..take it for herself.
But, I did learn this though… That being good (as long as I didnt ask for rewards for it) kept me out of trouble in those other places, even if I was seemingly always in trouble/danger in the home.
Nothing was good enough at home, it was impossible to win, and it was all game. But I did realise that by staying out trouble and invisible meant I was safer.
There was something else weird too. Because I wasn’t being seen. This is what I wanted, it was like this…
If only they could see what I did or who I was then they might be proud of me or love me.
But there was a complication to this.
I didnt want them anywhere near me – not publicly anyway, and so I hid or avoided achievements. I feigned disappointment when they said they couldn’t come to my duke of Edinburgh bronze award night, they were away I think and it was one of favourite events where I collected an award. Ever. So, its complicated, the desire to be seen to be good, mixed with the impending trauma of having them see it. Moments of achievement were best avoided. When I got school prizes aged 13, I didnt expect it, and I definitely didnt the next year.
But I was a good boy.
When I realised I had to be, and do this on my own – I set out at doing so.
And being a good boy, also meant and became, being a good christian boy too.
The two became synonymous, and God became intrinsically linked to the same parent figure, always watching, to be feared, temperamental, never seeing (except sin and failings). God gave me tasks to do, God was keeping a list of sins, God was storing up every thought for the last days – so I could rewatch it all. Also.. nothing I did that was actually good, this was just ‘God’ in me doing these things, because deep down im full of darkness, sin and shame, of course I am.
So I was pointlessly trying to be good. And it was exhausting.
Keeping up good appearances. At church, at school… adapting to the institutions.. believing this was what life was all about. Believing that if I was good I would be liked. Actually I noticed the opposite. The fun people had friends. The other ‘good’ kids congregated together, all the oldest child, maybe all sitting in the Christian union too.
Good christians, judging the fun others had, and being jealous that they all had friends.
A life of performance, pretence, self protection and compliance.
Imagine my surprise when I decided to a ‘christian’ gap year doing youth ministry and this caused probably 15 years of anger and disappointment in her.. because I didnt go to university at 18 (her plan and expectation) . Being good and even following a faith calling – didnt make a difference.
Because it wasn’t seen though, I then had to prove them wrong, and spent a good amount of my life doing so.
Somewhere deep in my conscious is this notion of ‘being good’, that being good somehow would mean being accepted and liked – especially in the institutions – and that maybe this being liked and accepted in these places were compensation for what I didnt have at home.
Somewhere there’s still a belief that if im good, i’ll be liked and accepted.
But this isn’t true.
And if it is, it isn’t freedom. Its trying to meet other peoples expectations.
And thats something neither I or you can control.
And maybe there’s a difference, between trying to be good – to fit in – and letting that deep inner well of goodness shine through and be revealed. Goodness needn’t mean compliance. Goodness is for all humanity.
At the risk of being disliked.
I think I could also talk about how this applies to my writing, but thats for a different time.
Its not that I see now and think that ‘being good’ ruined my life – no not at all, I needed to be good to survive, to be and get to where I am today. Being good in school and doing well was an achievement of my own doing, as was graduating to Masters level a few years ago.
I just realised that it isn’t the most important thing.
Yet I can tell that its a continual wrestle for me, as it sits so close and deep within my own psyche – and maybe yours.
Trigger Warning – Abuse of any kind. Please do not read if you have experienced abuse, unless in a safe place to be able to do so. This is written to educate those who might not know the difference, if you have experienced abuse, you know this already.
I think I was 14 when I was bought a ‘fake’ Man Utd football T-Shirt at a market stall in the south west of England by my parents. It was obviously fake. It was black, it had a ‘cotton traders’ label, the ‘Sharp’ sponsor was ironed on crooked and the badge was wrong. Yet it was ‘given’ to me as a gift. And I hated it. Man Utd were, and still are, my team, and though potentially even then I had no real sympathy with their financial situation, I knew that this fake was wrong. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t genuine. I felt, like many of the ‘gifts’ from my parents, cheap. (yet was told I was ungrateful or spoilt) . I probably was grumpy and upset for the rest of the day and told I was spoiling ‘their holiday’.
My point was, and is now, that there’s a difference between fake and real.
If you were in this situation could you spot who the ‘real’ and who the ‘fake’ victim is? Difficult.. very much so.
The story is about how a Man was accused of being a domestic abuser, by his partner, whose story was believed, he was sent to jail on the basis of her claims. After his release, the truth was revealed. The victim story she played was fake.
If you read this account, which will by no means be the full story, do so tracing the way in which the actual abuser plays the DARVO game throughout. As a reminder, Darvo stands for Deny, Accuse, Reverse, Victim Offender. The oft used pattern of someone accused. Playing victim is part of the pattern.
Google DARVO to find out more – here’s a link too – DARVO
What I mean is, that they are a ‘Reverse Victim’ rather than a real one.
Fake, rather than real.
And this is no criticism of Humberside police in this case. Not at all.
Because. This cuts both ways. Both genders..and its difficult to know the difference.
Im not sure that phrases like ‘Believe the women’ or ‘believe the victim’ help. They create a conformation or gender bias, and a woman playing victim is considerably harder to spot, than a man doing so. Especially in the face of them being able to accuse Men of wrong doing. Men play victims as much as Women do. My experience is having seen it in Women, and obviously in these stories.
I wasn’t the ‘real’ victim when I was given a fake Man Utd T-shirt. But I knew that something didn’t feel right when I was given it.
These are by no means conclusive, but how can you spot a real victim, from a reverse victim?
What is it like being a real Victim? (of abuse, of any kind)
Lets look at the effects of abuse on someone and their emotions, feelings and behaviours. They can feel scared, silenced, bewildered, trapped, afraid – they can often mask and give a ‘false’ self to keep up appearances, they can have hard shells or even react intensely if provoked – as a defence mechanism. They may be anything like a tortoise, hedgehog, dragon or eeyore.
They may not realise that they are a victim.
Once they realise – as I did – it wasn’t a label they want.
They often dont want to share about being a victim, but more about overcoming, surviving and coping, recovering and living beyond.
They often blame themselves.
They have nothing to lose, have often already lost everything.
They often realise they can do something by changing and seeking help – and realising that they can – by furthering awareness, self love and compassion… which extends to others.
They often have survivors gift.. to help others.
Often they have fragmented story, and are afraid to tell.
A real victim is unlikely to want to create drama. Is likely to be silent. Is likely to step away from situations. Is likely to learn to protect themselves.
A real victim… is likely to be movitated by justice, by being heard, or by finding peace and a life beyond it.
A real victim…. can see the games being played of the reverse victim. It’s the task of the Reverse victim..to silence, invalidate, remove the real one.
But what of a Reverse Victim?
This is a person who is using victimhood for a number of reasons. Usually to protect themselves, abusive behaviour or lies or denials.
Therefore its a game being played.
A phrase like ; ‘Look what you/she/he made me do’ or ‘ The Devil/alcohol/my mental health made me do it’ – can often be used – because that person keeping up a game, in which they present as victim/innocent and not responsible for themselves.
False emotions usually accompany the Reverse offender, as are false projections, to accuse others.
They often aren’t able to use the situation to better themselves through it or after it – because it wasn’t a situation in the first place – just a game.
They can often pretend to ‘get help’ but have difficulty (blame) finding a match with a counsellor or that their counsellor isn’t working for them, or use the fact that they’re going to counselling to manipulate others into thinking that ‘they are trying’.
When asked for more details about the situation – they might break down and cry more.. because they can’t give an answer to what hasn’t happened, there’s unlikely to be any more of a story with tears, just a more sodden weak one. And they want you to fix them. Note the drama triangle being used here too. (Persecutor, helper, victim)
A Reverse Victim is angry when they are challenged about their game.
A Reverse Victim is loud, and plays on victim hood. Especially in cultures where they know they elicit sympathy. Ie Churches full of nice unaware people.
The Reverse Victim can often make claims about themselves – ‘I couldn’t do that I’m a nice guy’…’that isn’t the real me, you know the real me’ …. ‘I couldn’t do that im a christian/minister/police officer’ …..
A Reverse victim thrives on drama. Loves the attention. Creates drama where possible. A reverse victim manipulates so that others can do their emotional work for them (flying monkeys).
The Reverse Victim doesn’t realise that they are fulfilling a cycle, and most of the time they dont care…. until their game is up. Winning is their motive.
A Reverse victim is likely to criticise the way in which the actual victim is responding to the situation. ‘They took their time coming forward’ or ‘They shouldn’t cry, it wasn’t a big deal at the time’
A Reverse Victim bewilders. A victim feels bewildered.
A Reverse Victim is threatened when their victimhood story/script is threatened. They have to stay this way.
Often its been a script since childhood. They’ve cried wolf to get gifts, soothing and attention. ‘Dont you dare try and play victim around here’ might be their reaction. See how bewildering this is, and a projection.
A Reverse Victim… creates a place of emotional abuse for a real one.
Im sure there are other differences, but these are all the ones I can think of, because I have encountered them in a number of situations.
I could say that it would take a significant amount of skill to identify the difference between a real, and a reverse victim..but as I said.. those who have been abuse victims, and done the work, can often see the patterns.. they’ve experienced them often enough.
In the safeguarding training I’m doing there’s a phrase known as “Respectful Uncertainty”. What this means is to try and be respectful of persons whilst also being unsure of their story so that further accurate information is sought. It is not to let myths make decisions, but evidence. Its not respectful uncertainty to say that a man is always an abuser, and a female always a victim.
I had enough respectful uncertainty to know not to take that black T shirt to be anything other than a fake. The signs on the front may have been the same, but they didnt look, feel or seem right.
If this has affected you, then do seek professional help and/or a trusted safe friend who can listen to you non judgementally, there are helplines in the link pages too, please do give them a call.
James Ballantyne 