James Ballantyne

Category: Emotions

  • Permission to be Happy

    Yesterday I wrote about learning the choice to be Happy.

    What I realise today is that there’s something else.

    Being Happy requires safety.

    Its easy to be moany, negative, critical,

    easy to be unhappy, easy to be numb

    easy to hide feelings even.

    When I was these things I was easy to manipulate.

    Easy to sink into the swamp.

    Easy to be abused.

    Easy to stay in the fight for the others, and be unknowingly co-dependent with it.

    Why would I want other people to be happy, if I had barely a concept of it.. maybe I wanted people to need me….

    Happiness wasn’t a dream for me – I numbed emotions

    Happiness wasn’t even a ‘concept’ I could conceive for myself. Not deep down.

    Reality was that for 40 years I’d lived with people who didnt want me to be happy. (they weren’t Happy themselves…)

    So why even chase it, easier to theorise or criticise the notion of it.

    Being Happy for me, required safety.

    Actually.

    It required permission.

    Specifically, I needed to hear and accept the possibility that I could actually be happy.

    It was one of my friends who said to me; ‘James, When are you going to be Happy?’ but not in that critical way, more in a ‘James – when are you going to consider that you could be happy and that being happy is ok and safe to be‘ kind of way.

    James…. Its ok… you can be Happy….

    I needed permission, and safety, and the opening of a possibility that I could feel such things, or live in a way that was about happiness.

    And my mind raged with it.

    Because, my happiness was selfish – id been told, My needs weren’t important – id been told, other peoples happiness was more important than my own – id been told , happiness is for an ‘eternal life’ – id been told, happiness was shallow – id been told…. all the messages..and others besides.

    I could easily overthink being happy and drag myself into that thinking space.

    So I needed permission to be Happy.

    Safe, brave, permission.

    Permission to begin the process of searching, seeking and feeling Happy.

    Even from in the midst of controlling relationships that had another few years to be dealt with. Not before. But in the midst.

    It wasn’t that ‘when id sorted everything id be happy’ – because that was a lie. It was that in the beginning of being happy, or that the potential removal of unhappiness was possible even at that point. It was on the table.

    Choosing to be… happy…in the midst of abuse and oppression is likely to challenge…. as the oppressor is losing control. Dancing in the metaphorical fucking rain.

    Even beginning to realise that happiness was possible, and having the courage and safety to permit myself to it, invoked a glimpse of lightness, of happiness in itself. I stepped a tiny bit, another tiny bit, out of the leadened swamp.

    So as I shared my learning yesterday, and awareness of the choice of my emotional awareness, one small step at a time, I realised that my awakening to happiness personally was about permission giving, about possibility, and about safety. I had received in so many ways the kindness of the universe through a breakdown and rebuild, yet that rebuild would not be full until I could see the lights above and know and feel that these could be true for me too.

    Today, 4 years on I can give myself permission to be happy. What I needed the first time was the safe permission from others.

    I can be happy, and so can you.

    It is possible and permissible Now.

    It might take courage….

  • Don’t be that human….

    Isn’t it interesting when the universe gives you learning parallels?

    What I mean is, those moments when you see something in one specific time, and it relates to something else.

    Its as if the universe has something for me.

    Either that or the algorithms of the internet really are mind and emotion readers. Oh dear.

    Anyway.

    If you read my recent piece you will know that a skill that I have been learning in the beginning of 2023 has been photography.

    I have managed to start a small catalogue of stock photography here

    James Ballantyne Stock Photos

    They reject quite a few, so I’m just pleased to have over 20 on there, and its honing what I take photos of. I know I’m not going to be a millionaire through photography but its fun, well, most of the time it is.

    To aid me in my learning in this month ive started watching a number of photography you tube channels. Honestly the free learning here is amazing. Now I know I feel a beginner at this, there’s so many helpful guidance out there.

    One of the things I was beginning to notice was though was that most of the nature and landscape photographers had what looked like massive expensive cameras, and that they showed only the best photos on their videos. Some amazing ones though.

    And I was just starting to feel a bit frustrated that I would not be able to take photos like them, without the right equipment.

    Then I watched this video by James Popsys titled…

    ‘Dont be that photographer’

    And I wondered what he was going to get at. He videos himself heading up to a bleak part of snowdonia and tried for 3 days to get photos of sunrises and sunsets over the mountains. His 2 days of failing included not having audio on for the video itself and weather that prevented even sight of the mountains themselves.

    But what he said was interesting.

    He said that as a photographer, the one comment that he got most ways from people who either complained about their lack of expensive cameras or equipment, or were condescending of his.

    To which he replied by saying, ‘Dont be that photographer’

    He said that the most important aspects of being a photographer , especially outdoors, landscape and nature and scenes, generally, are present already in a relatively cheap (less than £250) camera, and the rest is what is already present in the scene and in the eye of the photographer, as well as knowing their kit and craft.

    He was saying, don’t be that photographer who is blaming equipment, the weather, conditions for their lack of good photography. Because all the components are there, but it takes work and effort, its a craft, a skill to learn, hone and develop.. its art.

    So im thinking… yes he is talking to me, as a learning photographer.

    But he’s also talking to me as a human too.

    James, Dont be ‘that’ human – that blames someone else – when I could do something about it.

    Dont be ‘that’ human – that forgets that the difficult and suffering are part of life

    Dont be ‘that’ human that succumbs to getting frustrated when something doesnt happen easily, learning is a challenge..

    Dont be ‘that’ human – that is gets impatient with comparing myself with others – learn to develop myself as I am.

    Dont be ‘that’ human – that forgets that what I need to know is closer that I think, it is within

    Dont be that human – that stops noticing the now, the quiet, the breath

    Dont be ‘that’ human – that doesn’t see the beauty of what’s already in the universe, like light and dark, like texture, colour and change.

    Dont be that human that is harsh on himself, self critical on the cloudy days when ‘nothing’ seems to happen – like today when actually, the drive included rainbows and the walk included kingfishers, but nothing on camera, just still moments of universe blessings.

    James…. dont be ‘that’ human….

    What about you… ?

    So im learning photography. Maybe its giving me an opportunity to learn a lot more too.

    Ill end this piece with a photo from when I was trying to put some learning into practice last weekend, this was me trying to play with light, perspective and settings on Seaton Carew Common beach. Sometimes its only sticks and random pieces of wood that make photos a bit more interesting.

  • The power of belonging.

    ‘May you listen to your longing to be free

    May the frames of your belonging be generous enough for your dreams

    May you arise each day with a voice of blessing whispering in your heart.

    May you find harmony between your soul and your life

    May the Sanctuary of your soul never become haunted

    May you know the eternal longing that lives at the heart of time

    May there be kindness in your gaze when you look within

    May you never place walls between the light and yourself

    May you allow the wild beauty of the invisible world to gather you, mind you and embrace you in belonging. ‘

    John O Donohue, For Belonging , ‘To Bless the space between us’ 2008

    Belonging.

    To Belong.

    To feel at home.

    To feel safe.

    To belong in my own skin, my body and feel comfortable in my mind

    To belong in my spirit.

    Isn’t that what we all, deep down want?

    To be in a place of peace, of rest, of calm.

    A place to belong. To be seen.

    I love the line in the blessing above, ‘May there be kindness in your gaze, as you look within’

    Kindness in my self directed gaze. Kindness.

    Not rushing to the immediate reaction of angst, pain, self loathing, denial. But taking a slower, heart directed route, kindness.

    Making the choice of self compassion. One, slow, step, at a time.

    As I look within. As I feel within.

    Belonging to myself.

    A self warm heart and hug.

    Belonging.

    Self-belonging.

    Kindness and not a self critical eye.

    Kindness and not a dismissive eye.

    But looking, and then reminding myself of the choice to be kind to myself. How I can show belonging to myself.

  • ‘Auto, Bird and Landscape’

    ‘Auto, Bird and Landscape’

    I was out walking yesterday, going to Seal Sands, RSPB Salthome and and also on my way back Cowen Bewley Woodland Park. Over the last few weeks I have been learning a little about photography, I was encouraged by a colleague about my photos, which he saw on my camera, I bought a short book on photography and have watched a few videos on you tube. So yes, even though ive been taking photos using relatively decent camera for over 3 years, for fun. I went on my latest walk armed with slightly more knowledge about taking photos, as well as a little more knowledge about some of the technicalities.

    In a way in regard to taking photos, I was barely ‘doing the technical’ basics, just using a camera to capture what I had seen, where I had been or what I liked.

    And, even without any knowledge of the technicalities, I still took some good shots.

    But even on my 2nd camera, I hadn’t done any homework on how to use it, I just used the automatic settings, which in the main were, Auto, Bird (watching) and Landscape.

    Tell you the truth.

    I was scared of the buttons. I was scared of pressing something and breaking it (childhood voices in my head again), scared too of ‘getting obsessed by something once id opened it (another voice) . And so, though not unlike the MacBook I’m typing this on, I had a fairly expensive (*though not in camera terms) camera, and wasn’t using in its real capacity.

    Without completely remembering these were probably on Auto, Bird and Landscape settings.

    Sometimes I even used the food or Moon settings too. But all the automatic settings on the camera. And they’re not bad.

    Every now and then a birdwatching person would ask me about my camera, and then tell me that I should use the Manual setting. To which I responded with, Oh I’m just new to this, or ‘oh yes’ ill give it a go. Feeling slightly sheepish or inadequate, and to be honest, feeling inadequate wasn’t really an incentive to change.

    I was scared. I was feeling inadequate. I was dismissing my need to change. I didnt have any access to what I would need to help me learn.

    What I noticed today was the parallels between my photography experience, and my life experiences.

    Being scared, feeling inadequate, dismissing my need to change and not having access to what I needed so that I could change, were at least four reasons why when I was deeply struggling for a very long time, I was on Automatic.

    I was on Automatic settings in regard to my emotions, in regard to my responses and triggers. Automatic.

    I had no knowledge of myself, and no value of myself, just like my knowledge of the camera was at a surface level. The toughest layers to crack of my onion were the outer ones.

    I was scared of what I might have to deal with, and what I had been dealt with, scared of the monsters that had done them.

    Feeling hollow, inadequate, shame about what I now needed to ask for help with, and much more besides that has been revealed in the long road of the last few years.

    Pretending and Hiding. Like an Technically brilliant camera, that deserves to be treated more than just in Bird, Auto and Landscape. I mean some buttons on it deserve even to be tried. Just to see what happens.

    So what changed?

    Well, regular readers of my blogs here will have probably read already, vulnerability, rock bottom, a breakdown, love and support , safety and then access to self learning , that’s what my path has taken.

    In regard to photography? Being encouraged and being seen, accepting the guidance of someone who shared their experience and time, and me giving this interest of mine a bit more time and attention, like buying a book on it, and watching some you tube videos on it.

    Im learning. From Auto, bird and Landscape, to now working out what ISO, Shutter speed, light meter and aperture all is, and also thinking more about light, perspective and colours, have all been what ive started, just started to play with and experiment with.

    Because my camera isn’t going to break if I play with the buttons, I just get some weird looking very bright or dark shots like these…

    And, nothing is wasted by experimenting. Actually in real time these shots help me make more adjustments. Today I tried lying down against the edge of a frozen lake, and to get close to the gulls and ducks, spending 30 mins lying on a frozen platform was fun, and being at eye level with the subjects made for better shots. Using a few different settings I got these ones.

    These were the shots I took today.

    Maybe getting good photos takes more vulnerability, to be open to learning, and sacrifice. The deep stuff doesn’t get revealed otherwise. The results might just be worth it too. Maybe that’s a lesson for the whole of life too.

  • My healing started the day I realised that my mother is a narcissist.

    Sometimes days have a special significance dont they. I remember clearly the day I got my A level results, the days when my children were born, days of celebration, and where I was when I heard significant news, like my grandparents deaths. Positively recently I remember so much about the day of my wedding with Christelle (it wasn’t that long ago)

    But there is one other day in my life that had a significant impact upon my life… it was the day I realised what narcissism is, and the extent to which my mother is one.

    There is a slight blurring to this story, however, is that in 2006 I was reading a paper whilst I was doing my Youth work and Theology degree at ICC, Glasgow which described the difference between listening with a young person with empathy, and taking a story that a young person shares and using it to launch into your own, this was described as being narcissistic. That was the first time I had heard this word. I did also underline the word on the paper and write in the margin ‘Remind me of anyone’ . A seed had been sown.

    The other blurring in the clarity is that it was only a few years later in 2008 when fairly serious incidents that revealed this behaviour. The fall out from this was that ‘nothing changed’ or responsibility was taken. But at that time I didnt equate or delve into what narcissist behaviour was, was just in a swirl of denials.

    Anyway, back to the story, rather than the pre amble.

    I was in a cafe just outside Durham with one of my best friends, it was just after Christmas, the day after Boxing Day, 4 years ago. I was recounting how the few days of Christmas had gone, as there was a lot of tension around the family home at the time. For some reason the subject came up that I hadn’t spent time with my parents or spoken to them over the Christmas time, and I said something about how weird they were.

    My friend asked me whether I thought, no actually she said, ‘Your Mother is a narcissist isn’t she?’

    I may have done my usual and passed this off, or said ‘yeah I know’ or something like that. I didnt know, or didnt realise the extent to which this truth had affected my entire life, or would be part of what my life recovery would take.

    I knew that she was difficult. I knew that she sucked the life out of every room. I knew that she was emotionally unstable. I knew that also she had the capacity to upset everyone. I knew that she didnt listen.

    But a Narcissist? What’s that ?

    What I hadn’t done until that point was begin the process of doing the work.

    Firstly of recognising the problem. Secondly of releasing myself from the responsibility of the problem and changing myself. Thirdly of naming it. Fourthly and this is the ongoing bit – of realising the extent to which I have ongoing recovery to do because of the deep personality issues that dominated my childhood.

    None of this could be done until I had the space to see it.

    And I could only see it when someone who had experience of it could identify it.

    My friend recommended to me the ‘pink book’.

    This book:

    Link here if you would like to buy a copy

    A week later the book arrived as I received a copy.

    In it Nina describes the characteristics of healthy parents (none of which I could recognise) and then 4 types of Self Absorbed Parents, 3 of which I could identify in mother, but definitely strongly one of them.

    Though the book didnt stop there.

    Nina described the way in which I had reacted and responded to my parents, and my own self destructive, self limiting responses to them – to either pacify, soothe or avoid – also flight, or fight/anger responses. She went on to describe how to protect the self, in the midst of the narcissistic interaction, and afterwards. There’s also coping strategies for each type of parent.

    This was my first ‘self help’ book I had read.

    It was like scales and weights falling, as I could see clearly for the first time the extent of what I had tried to cope with, alone, and also how I had reduced myself in the process, of 40 years, yet at the same done what I thought I should do for my own survival.

    I thought that the stuff I suffered with my mother were impossible to describe, too weird, too crazy to recognise, yet this book described my experiences. It describes what emotional control, abuse, belligerence and victim playing looks like. And I had experienced it all.

    I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t the only one.

    That was so important.

    And if this might be you, know that you aren’t alone either.

    I confess to not doing all of the exercises in Nina’s book, the scoring charts in the beginning were enough for me to be able to do some accurate identification.

    But It wasn’t that I now had someone to blame. It wasn’t that I now took this information and stereotypically ‘blamed my childhood’ , and I hope that from what ive ever written on this blog I haven’t done that, I certainly haven’t tried to. What the information did for me was to help me see who I was, how I coped and survived, and what I now needed to do, and how I had been affected by it.

    The important thing was that it was that I could let go of things I had felt responsible for.

    And four years later, can feel more compassionate about my child James, teenage James and mid twenties and thirties James – who was trying to do life with a void, a void that had had things taken.

    And now I knew. I had avoided wanting to know, feeling the pain to be too great, even though a number of people had been trying to tell me, I hadn’t listened, not fully.

    Part of my healing journey, was the day I realised that my mother was a narcissist. There were other significant moments, but this was definitely one of them.

    Thank you for reading, if there’s something in this that you resonate with, do seek out professional help and therapy if you can, acknowledging this is a first step, making a move of self love to begin a healing journey is courageous and beautiful. I have other resources in the menu above including other books, and there’s a lot on you tube on responding to narcissism. Know that its time. Today is a good first day to start to recover and heal from this.

  • Why I struggle to sleep on a flight

    Why I struggle to sleep on a flight

    There are some people who can sleep on an aeroplane.

    But I, sadly, am not one of them.

    Since February 2020 I have now had the experience of many transatlantic flights to both Montreal and San Diego to meet, visit and spend time with Christelle. At least 12 flights over 6 hours long.

    I had the ‘joy’ of the cancelled flight in July (re arranged to a direct 9hr flight :-)) , and last week a double cancelled, staying overnight in random city (Seattle) only for 2 more flights the next day experience.

    This was me at Seattle…

    Early in my flight experiences I didn’t have many ideas of ‘what to do’ and how it works, so I think on my first Montreal flight I packed a bag full of food, as I didnt click the ‘food option’ but then on the BA flight got a decent 3 course meal, wine, beer and snacks, to my surprise.

    But I often note other people to see what they are doing, like the use of the complimentary cushion, blanket or what’s on their TV to see if that’s something I would like.

    Its not just what other people are doing. I like to know what is going on.

    Every bell noise in the plane, I’m checking to see which of the lights has gone on or off, or whether this causes any sudden movement in the airline crew. What calls are being made. I like to know what’s going on.

    The sleepers I guess dont care, they sleep.

    But for some reason I care, or at least I feel as though I should care or be responsible, or be ready.

    Even after an overnight of 4 hours sleep, and then on the second night flying from Detroit to Heathrow and losing 5 hours, I slept for less than 2 hours, but I at least slept a bit, I think. But it took for me to be completely exhausted to finally sleep, though never feeling that I was actually asleep. The display on the TV went from ‘4hr 40’ to arrival, to ‘1 hr 45’ and I know id been dozing only for much of it.

    What I did this time was have an eye mask on, and ear plugs – and yes ive tried these things before, but they did work for the 2 hours or so this time. It helped me close away from the light and noise that represented things and situations I might need to be aware of.

    Maybe that’s the same as everyone else. But, horror of horrors, there are some people on long distance flights who sleep so well they dont eat or drink anything complimentary? I mean what’s that all about? Who are these people? ;-) Hiding under a blanket and out for the count. Maybe they in that moment are doubly exhausted, and they can just crash.

    But there’s something else.

    There’s three things that come to mind as I reflect on my ‘plane’ sleep experiences.

    The first is my experience of climbing.

    Although I did have some outdoor experiences as a boy, climbing wasn’t one of them, it wasn’t until I was part of the leadership team on young peoples camps in Scotland that I took part in climbing, at two compass centres and on a trip to Edinburgh. I was a nervous, shaking wreck on the first two occasions, trying to get my feet into the ‘sockets’ and my arms reaching up, with barely any arm strength. The third time I went I made a mental note to myself. I would trust the rope. I would trust that the staff had done their work properly to set it up safely, and as a 29 year old I would be ok. But the main thing was, was that I would trust the rope. And I so enjoyed that third climbing experience. Trust.

    The second is that Biblical story of Jesus being asleep in the storm, whilst the waves crash around their boat, Jesus slept, and yet the disciples exclaimed how it could be the case. I guess that some of the disciples stayed awake knowing they felt they had to be responsible for Jesus, given that they knew a little about who he was. As well as try and keep their boat afloat.

    The third thing is that I remember taking ages to get to sleep as a child. I had to stay awake as I simultaneously felt responsible and scared of my emotionally immature psychopathic mother. So, in between reading books, I would be listening at each loud shouting conversation in the kitchen, in the floor below..and it was only one screechy voice that was making the noise. Id be awake listening for each time the hall door would open (as then id turn off my light) or know that the 2nd stair creaked, and then I would turn it off. And then there would be footsteps all the way to my bedroom door, because that’s also where the bathroom door was, next to mine, so I had no idea if I was about to be told off. Often I would be awake long after they would themselves be in bed. It was safe. Many books were read.

    There was no sleep when there was a monster to be aware of.

    Being aware of danger. Trust the rope (plane). Feeling responsible.

    There is a different kind of awareness I often feel on a plane too.

    Its a gap, a space.

    And though I often take books to read (very old school) , what I often find is that I have felt travel tense until I get to the gate and on the plane. However I dont have anything to worry about, there’s travel to the airport (trains to Newcastle or London), security queues and going through it, and any check in required, it doesn’t sound much, writing it, but even with trains on time or a short tube from somewhere in London to Heathrow, I still have some residual travel anxiety. So, getting into my seat on the plane, each time, I get a sense of relief, and also a sense of excitement of the travel to Christelle, which up until then has been mixed with the travel anxiety.

    A breath. An awareness moment on the plane. I go from being anxious about my own getting on the flight process – to then feeling like I am needing to be aware and responsible for other people on the plane. Hence the no sleep. Weird huh. But what I dont have or do on the plane is have wifi – I just charge my phone, eat the food and take time selecting and watching a movie or three. (Yes I have now watched the entire LOTR and Harry Potter films)

    Awareness. Presence. Even on a plane.

    This morning I watched this

    How to be present in 2023 – Eckhart Tolle

    in it he talks about responding to that great challenge… The Cancelled flight. Also about how to have a kind of alertness on a plane. ✈️

    Im learning. I noted how I responded to my double cancelled flight issue of last week, that’s for another piece I think. Life spills over even on 48 hours of travel.

    Tolle talks about the right kind of alertness. About acceptance and surrender.

    Maybe noticing all my feelings is part of all of this. It isn’t taking me long to note how I’m feeling anxious, or overly alert. Sometime my survival skills kick in, other times I give myself the time to stop, note and feel, and remember to breathe. Continually practicing presence.

  • My 5 top self learning books of 2022

    Ah yes, you say not another end of the year review blogs, segments or pieces. I’ve wondered for a while what I might write that’s appropriate for the ‘end of 2022’ as a review piece.

    I think I’ve read over 30 books this year, nearly all with some kind of self-help / journey / learning theme , and beyond what there’s been everything else that I’ve read I’ve felt and learned in the year, so maybe this is a bit of a reflective combination piece, some of the best books and most important learning from the year, for me.

    So, starting with the best books, I’m.not sure how I’ve narrowed these down to 5, but these are the ones that gave me the most wow moments, the most underlined with pencil marks or post it’s, or that stayed on my coffee table to read and read throught the year

    1. The Choice, Edith Eger

    2. A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle

    3. Dibs in search of self by Virginia Axline

    4. Heartwork a book of Self compassion by Radule Weininger

    5. The space between us, A book of blessings by John O Donohue

    I look at the choice of these 5 books, and realise that they encapsulated many of the paths my self learning has taken this year, there have been moments where I felt I needed to come close to understanding my childhood trauma and it’s effects, and understand trauma generally. Dibs is a brilliant book. It helped me see myself and also the children and young people around. The

    I knew The Choice would be one of my top books of the year, even as it was one of the first I read in 2022, so much wisdom and story included in it, so much to learn on recovery from Trauma and the rebuild. The Choice is so good that I struggled to find anything new in Man’s Search for meaning (Victor Frankl) which I also read this year., Meaningful though it was.

    It’s definitely been the case that over the last 18 months or so I have read more in relation to spirituality and personal growth. The Power of Now was a game changer for me when I read it about 18 months ago, A New Earth has stayed on my coffee table and been picked up regularly for most of the year.

    Part of that Spiritual growth has taken me to Self compassion. It’s been the learning theme I have ended the year beginning. It’s a path that has revealed much to me so far, as I’ve stepped to one side of being self critical, self loathing, guilt and responsibility, it’s introduced me and reminded me that I can receive, I am worthy, I am of value, as are my emotions and feelings. And though I know all this, I’m realising there’s a difference between knowing it and living as if I believe it to be true. Heart work, the book, was like being sat with a duvet by the fire, it felt a safe book to read and then gently sense the parts of me that were being revealed through the stories, as well as sit with the exercises that she suggests. And this is before I give myself time to do the journal that she suggests to do.

    John O Donohue appeared like a mystery from a charity book shop in November, and given me an opportunity to practice self compassion through creating the space to read and meditate on the blessings.

    There are some other honourable mentions, Matt Haig’s midnight library and How to stop time were both very good, and I loved Ruth Ozekis ‘The book of form and emptiness’ . I’m re reading The Universal Christ (Richard Rohr) for the second time to Christelle as I think there’s alot in it to enjoy. (Reading aloud does enable a new perspective) The Seat of the Soul, and Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukav were both good too. Links to all these and others are in the resources page above.

    So there we have it, my top 5 self learning books of the year, these were the ones that caused my heart to feel opened, to be a spiritual experience in just reading them and provoke and accompany me on this life journey.

    May you, may I have a blessed, learning and compassionate 2023.

  • Discovery of the Unknown

    Sitting in the Airport Gate

    Waiting

    Expectant

    Documentation Checked

    A gap between countries

    A gap in time

    A gap

    Announcements pending

    Time to move

    But in the moment, waiting, hoping, nerves and excitement. Watching the people.

    And I wonder.

    The gap in between.

    In myself.

    Noticing

    Attending.

    To the parts of me

    Only to be discovered in the gaps

    In the silences

    By the gentle listening

    By being heard, being warmly listened to

    By being safe

    The unknown self, being awakened slowly

  • Christmas and the Feels.

    Just stopping by on the beginning of Christmas week 2022, in the midst of me getting ready to cook some food for my son and his girlfriend, and then as I travel on trains tomorrow and planes on Wednesday to be with my beautiful wife Christelle for Christmas.

    A moment of calm. Nat King Cole is playing. The Christmas lights and candles are glowing. Apple and Cinnamon scent is wafting around, presents have been wrapped and its a moment to breathe.

    A moment to notice.

    A moment to appreciate feeling safe. A moment to appreciate feeling love. A moment to be thankful, to be grateful. A moment to feel, and notice that moments like this, gaps, are not to be frightened of anymore. Its these cracks where love washes in.

    Its 4.30pm and its not been all like this all day. Ive carried a pre Christmas and travel to do list around in my head all day, whilst also being at work for the last day. But now, having scurried around a bit for the day, Im having just a moment of me time.

    Breathing slowly. Noticing the light of the candle. Feeling.

    Realising too, the effort its taken, the effort Ive taken to get to where I am, this year. A lot has been happening. There’s been some dark moments of reliving trauma, abuse and suffering. There’s been times of facing my own complex vulnerabilities, of embracing what’s its meant by being self compassionate, of enjoying receiving, of making choices about responding to what I’m actually feeling day by day.

    So I sit here, feeling a sense of love for myself, acceptance of myself, and feeling relaxed as I take one then another breath. Grateful for the vulnerable giants whose own shared lives have inspired, encouraged and caused me to dig deep into my own heart, power and strength, Brene Brown, Gary Zukav, Paulo Coelho, Edith Eger, Matt Haig, your life story, your fictions and your insight is truly transformative. The therapists in person, and the therapy groups on Facebook – there’s many a time you have struck a chord and enabled me to come face to face with a new reality, so thank you, North Brisbane Psychotherapists, Dr Glenn Patrick Doyle, Mike Philips and Patrick Weaver Ministries. Thank you.

    But Christmas.

    Somehow as I sit here and in conversation with Christelle, we shared about how this time can be a weird one for those of us rebuilding our lives after childhood trauma. Weird in that kind of way of noticing, facing, and accepting the moments that aren’t so apparent in April , June or September. Pain in a Christmas movie can be about grief for the much loved parent who isn’t around – rarely one who was abusive. (yes I know, no one wants that Christmas movie)

    Christmas time gives opportunities for continued self love, tenderness and self- compassion.

    Know that its ok to feel whatever Christmas feels for you. Feel that mystery of love deep within your wounded heart and soul. Neither I, neither you are the pain or shame.

    May I share with you this blessing, as a gift, from John O Donohue, as I also say thank you, and do have a truly restful, calm, loving, heartfelt, self compassionate Christmas.

    A Prayer for the Awakened:

    For Everything under the Sun, there is a time, This is the season of your harvest awakening, where pain takes you where you would rather not go.

    Through the white curtain of yesterdays to a place you had forgotten you knew from the Inside out, And a time when that bitter tree was planted.

    That has grown always invisibly beside you, and whose branches your awakened hands, now long to disentangle from your heart.

    You are coming to see how your looking often darkened, When you should have felt safe enough to fall towards love; How deep down your eyes were always owned by something.

    That faced them through a dark fester of thorns, Converting whoever came into a further figure of the wrong, You could only see what touched you as already torn.

    Now the act of seeing begins your work of mourning, and your memory is ready to show you everything, having waited all these years for you to return and know.

    Only you know where the casket of pain is interred, You will have to scare through all the layers of covering, And according to your readiness, everything will open.

    May you be blessed with a wise and compassionate guide, Who can accompany you through the fear and grief, until your heart has wept its way to your true self.

    As your tears fall over that wounded place,

    May they wash away the hurt and free your heart

    May your forgiveness still – the hunger of the wound

    So that for the first time you can walk away from that place, Reunited with your banished heart, now healed and freed

    And feel the clear, free air bless your new face

    For Someone Awakening to the Trauma of their past – John O Donohue

    Be Still friends, and Know that you are love – Happy Christmas to you

    James

  • Personal Thank You

    Personal Thank You

    I just wanted to say

    For the very positive responses, comments and feedback from my recent blog about ‘1000 days since leaving Church‘ which I published just over a week ago.

    I did not quite realise, though had I thought about it, I may have also realised it, quite how common my experience has been.

    Thank you for reading, sharing and commenting on it, thank you.

    Its been very apparent in the comments, both public and private to me, from youth workers, pioneer folks, leaders in churches and denominations, for how many folks, they had to leave church, to re-find God, and find a faith.

    I guess I wasn’t brave enough to do it all those years ago.

    I guess I still wanted something about what ‘organised church’ could offer, anyway..

    So, thank you.

    Thank you for reaching out, thank you for encouraging me on the same journey.

    And that’s just it, its a journey. Cliche alert.

    I haven’t ‘made it’ , neither have I the answers, and any certainty expressed sometimes comes back as vulnerability or a lesson to be learned.

    But something feels more coherent.

    I found home in myself, in a way that I was trying to find home elsewhere.

    There was a hole in my life and heart – it wasn’t God shaped, it was because of childhood abuse, because of neglect. That God was an external being to surrender to and lose myself to – despite an internal ache that never went away.

    Haemin Sunim says this:

    We must cultivate all three intelligences for our overall health

    Critical intelligence, emotional intelligence and Spiritual intelligence

    If one falls to the wayside, it slows the growth of the other two

    Haemin Sunim, Things you can only see when we slow down.

    If I were to do a 3 way audit of these three intelligences at different times in my life – what would I have found – how might this pie chart look like?

    Something like this, probably

    And that’s 5% emotional intelligence and awareness on a good day.

    In fact I was scared of those weird things like emotions, best to stay disconnected from them, dissociate, and stay in my head. That was the safe place. Critical intelligence to the absolute full. God is to be understood and not felt.

    But without all three, no growth. No heart. Or peace. Or Joy. Or love.

    What I had been looking for, was closer than I realised. Everything I needed was within, and I have just had to be given permission, and the tools to see it. I just Am. (as are you)

    I like this from John O’Donohue too, on coming home to yourself:

    May all the is unforgiven in you

    Be Released,

    May all your fears yield

    Their deepest tranquilities.

    May all that is unloved in you

    Blossom into a future

    Graced with love.

    So…..Thank you , I am very grateful and appreciative, I really am.

    James