They know that they need to use other people to get people to do things for them
They know that they cant take responsibility
They know that when they write to you
So, they write with only wanting to win or get something from you in mind.
Therefore:
What does this mean for the abusive, emotionally immature parent and how they communicate? – especially when its in writing – via email or text?
Well, thats when it gets weird.
They cant hide, what Gary Zukav describes as their split consciousness or personalities – in fact its often the place where it is most revealed.
they cant get away with more verbally as it spews out so quickly – but in writing….
These are just some of the examples of weirdness in emails I have received in the last 20 odd years.
The Formal. Their professional life is when they feel ‘safe’ or accepted – so they revert to using only professional language within their family communications. A formal note to let you know that ‘the Professor ______ (Mum or Dad to you) is moving jobs and is inviting you to a service of celebration’ or a formal text directing you to do something – that sounds as if your boss wrote it, not a parent. Its dissociation from any attachment to parental role. Writing to you in the third person. They know they’ve been awful at it so they are avoiding it.
The Confused tense. Its like an email that was written by 4 separate people but was only written by one of them. It could start with ‘your mother’ then ‘I’ is as in their professional role (again), then theres a ‘Mum’ at the end, and a PS referring to ‘Your Dad’ it could be all over the place in terms of who is writing it. They could throw in a few first names in their too.
Hide and Seek. This is when the abusive one gets the other parent to write the email, because you haven’t responded for the 3rd/4th/5th time to theirs. But – there will be clues that its not really the other parent that has written it. And if it is, it will have had to go through the abusive parent screening process – or been written together. Remember when Ivanka Trump wrote that formal statement/email one time… – who do you think wrote it… exactly. Often the negotiator parent is the other parent, actual abuser hides away.
Find the sympathy ; This is when the abusive parent uses the other one to cause you to feel guilty. They do this because they know that they cant illicit any sympathy from you about them, even though they try. So its like dad writing; ‘ Your mother was very upset when…. ‘ or mum writing; ‘ Dad was angry when ….’ They willl rarely say ‘I was upset when’ if they have to have control of the communication, but know that they cant illicit the sympathy, so they use someone else.
The Contradictions: Each communication is a contradiction. There will be one thing they want from it – and this is usually embedded in a whole load of extraneous confusing manipulative rubbish, or where the title and content of the email make absolutely no coherance whatsoever.
The Giveaway. Somewhere in the communication, they will give away something that they feel gives them the upper hand, to make you threatened. So they’ll say something like ‘ Hows the new job going?’ – when you know you haven’t told them – but they’ve got the information from somewhere, someone, or by stalking you on social media.. they give it away, because they want you to stew over how they know. They might giveaway a whole host of other things, theres usually one or two in there. Like I say, they leave a trail….
The Trigger. They love this. As Lindsay Gibson writes, they will use Guilt, shame, fear or duty to try and get you to do what they want you to do (Gibson 2019) . (you just have to work out which it is) – Some where there is a trigger in it of one of these. Another trigger cause be some like their give away, or just some thing that causes you to respond as in a trauma state – fight, flight, fawn, freeze etc, they do it deliberately. Why? – because they want a response, any response is attention, any angry response and they have won. They just want to win.
Triangulation tactics: Watch for all the items where they want information from you about other people – because those other people aren’t giving them information – and dont be their mole. Also – watch for all the times where they want to be the beholders of information and control by swirling drama – like sharing news about a family members illness – only to when you get this checked out with someone else it wasnt anything like as bad as it was. They were just using it to make themselves look like they were concerned and to have some communication. I used to get ‘ ______ is really ill at the moment we think she might be on their last few days, but dont worry about coming to visit’ – What does this reveal? exactly – and when I could spot it… The person wasnt as ill, and then I got the information from better sources.
Old Memories. Theres a reason why that parent might refer you back to a time when ‘things were rosy’ and ‘how much your parents loved you’ or ‘those happy holidays in 1972’ – because…. they might well have been the happiest time for them, in regard to you – it was a time when you hadn’t worked them out yet (you were only 7) or had only just met them in the family (you just got engaged to them, if it was your ex or their parents) – the past is littered with memories that they had of you – but you probably didn’t share – or their was so many other memories that could also be had that even on the same holiday others didnt share. they might have had a great time in 1972 – but its unlikely anyone else on the same holiday did. They take you back – to see if they can ‘win’ by appealing to a time…
Emotional Projection. Its a bit like the formal writing of number 1, but slightly more subtle. Its more like you are their emotional dump ground where they want to tell you everything about them, their pains, ailments (sympathy), how ___ treated them (playing victim) , the price of petrol, money worries (shared pain – I want your empathy) , a struggle to overcome (be proud of me) , I did a thing (look at me) , Im about to do a thing please come and see me do a thing (look at me, they love showing off by the way) , complaints about so and so in the family (are you on my side?) , look at them being all such and such (but dont look at my faults and weaknesses) – they’re pulling you into their drama.
Watch for their (fake) concern. In amongst all of 1-10 – they might also give you this. A tiny little line in which they show some concern for you – its like the hamster trying to exist in a cage of snakes, the chocolate square in a lemon soup. Everything else is sour, sharp and dangerous – yet theres a tiny shred of something in amongst it to pull at a different bit of heartstrings. Those heart strings that have raged, numbed, been shredded by the other 90% of it – this is the bit that tempts you to go ; ‘ but they’re not that bad, look at least they’re trying’ – yeah – that hamster has got no change. Its not like a candle in the darkness, bearing warmth to everything else. Its a tantalising piece of concern chocolate in a soup of thick lemon, bitter, and out of place and context. A trap.
The Pained Ask: If they want to get you to fix their fence – they will find a way of guilting you into it – if they want just a reply- they will find a way. What they rarely do though is just ask the question. They won’t say ‘ Could you pop around and fix the fence please’ they’re more likely to say ‘Your Mother and I require your assistance to fix the fence’ (formal) or ‘Can you believe the fence fell down again and the dog escaped, next door went mad when she dug their roses, and she’ll do it again if you cant come around’ – their ask is embedded in so much other stuff…because they want to make it hard for you to say no. They think you’re more likely to care about the neighbours roses than them. Speed is a tactic of the emotionally immature – they want you to jump when they say.
The lies and often the Bullshit. Almost everyone from an abusive, self-absorbed, narcissistic psychopathic parent will be lies. Treat it as such, its their life script – to win at every interaction and do everything to do so – they generally do not care how. Get everything checked out if you can. They are likely to make stuff up or have no regard for truth at all – just to get a response.
Because of all of this, the lack of coherance, the ‘WTF’ reactions, the contradictions and manipulative asking – as a combination (and some emails can include all of this) – they convey nothing like what a ‘decent’ parent might actually communicate. But, most of the time, its been what you have been used to for your entire life, the weirdness thats so hard to explain, and only when someone else reads it do they provide you with clarity and validation of their abusiveness. What they often dont want to do is be completely threatening, offensive and – so what they look to do, is be just on the line, and make it look as though its a polite nice email – when actually it so loaded its nothing other than a continuation of fear, guilt and control tactics.
What to do when they get in touch? – look for all the clues – breathe and step away. You don’t need to respond, it doesn’t matter what the urgency is they exclaim – often they can find someone else- but are hoping you are still under their spell.
What do I learn from all of this – that from an early age – I become a studier of persons and interested in psychology.
Often its the emails that a hidden away, we lock them in a terror box, in the spam folder, read once and never to see the light of day, (and no I haven’t just received one) – I rarely hear discussed is email communication by abusive parents/people – and so I thought I would bring some of these weird tactics to the light.
For more on dealing with Emotionally Immature parents I strongly recommend Lindsay Gibsons books, or Nina Browns – both have excellent guidance, checklists, examples and give so many good tips on dealing with narcissistic parents. (I have put links in the resources page above)
Thank you for reading and being part of this journey as I have shared chapters and sections of my story of surviving abusive parenting – all the sections are in the menu above.
What are the weird things that you’re abusive/narcissistic parents write to you?
(before you blocked them or put them in their place)
I made the choice to stay in bed the extra two hours this morning
Then when I woke up I chose to have a shower
I chose coffee over tea
then cereal over toast, id have loved blueberries on it, but didnt have any (I couldn’t make that choice)
I chose to sit on the couch and watch the birds as I ate, instead of at the table
and now I chose to write about it
I chose all of these things, they were choices I made
I chose also to get up and not dwell and let the challenges of yesterday take over
I chose to respond by getting up
I chose. They were my decisions.
Ive just got back from a two week visit to the South west of the USA, to spend Christmas with my now fiancé Christelle, and it was lovely to be away, away from job hunting, away from family drama and away.
There was something that I noticed at the very beginning of the time that I was there. Something I hadn’t never noticed before, from being in other countries, Spain, Greece or Tunisia.
Crossing roads was weird.
Now I get the ‘driving on the other side of the road’ thing – that makes sense. That was easy.
What was odd and disorientating was that responsibilities and choices were different.
As I made intentions clear..(a choice) I didnt know what was expected of me – what the custom was – who had the right of way, who would look if they were in a car, and when a car might wait for me that I wasnt used to.
What I could chose and what I had responsibility for was blurred. It was my responsibility to look and pay attention, to learn the customs and not expect all the 5m drivers in San Diego to obey my road crossing rules. It was my responsibility to keep myself safe, and also keep Christelle safe too.
Choice and responsibility is changing on the UK roads too, and it was the circulation of this diagram on social media that provoked this piece
The choices that are made now have different legal and physical consequences.
When I look back on my own life I can note the times when I have tried to cover up, our excuse the actual choices I made, in such ways as
‘I made a mistake’
or ‘The devil made me do it’ (when I was in a=n evangelical/charismatic phase)
‘that was a trauma reaction’ or
‘I didnt mean to do it’ (maybe followed by..)
‘Im only human…’
‘Im not as perfect as you think I am’
Its easier to hold someone else or something else responsible for your pain that to take responsibility for ending your own victimhood
Edith Eğer, The Choice
Trying to excuse, minimalise, convince the person I’ve hurt, or myself, that it wasnt me acting with responsibility in that moment. When the truth of the matter is, I made a choice. I cant say that I make a choice to have coffee at £3 in Starbucks every morning and then say ‘I made a mistake’ when I ran out of money, or I cant say that I make choices every day in my workplace, but only mistakes when abusing other people at parties. (though lets not confuse the issue further with the choices people make at work-parties, and their excuses afterwards)
Gary Zukav says this:
Each Choice that you make is a choice of intention. You may choose to remain silent in a particular situation, for example, and that action may serve the intention of penalising, sharing compassion, extracting vengeance, showing patience or loving. You may choose to speak forcefully, and that action may serve any of the same intentions.
Zukav (The Seat of the Soul)
He goes on to say that the splintered personality has many parts, each surfacing to fulfil the needs of the ego and what satisfies them. Eckhart Tolle writes:
If you had a choice, or realised that you do have a choice, would you choose suffering or joy, ease or non ease, peace or conflict? Would you choose a thought or feeling that cuts you off from your natural state of wellbeing, the joy of life within?
Tolle (The Power of Now)
When do I ‘take responsibility for choices’ or assign myself to the ‘poor me mistake maker’? – What positions to I take power in, what ones do I feel powerless in?
If its a choice- then I have to take responsibility for it – and not blame it away….facing that thought might be the most terrifying for all of us.
What consciousness (as Tolle would say) do I need to bring into situations so that I can see the light of what I do, as a choice , and make powerful choices even more?
Is there something different in the way we (Men) see the world – choices and responsibilities – than Women? Or given the greater awareness of abusive women in society than previously – is it something else? (just thinking out loud) Men are less likely to think about the consequences? – and this determines choice making?
Whether it affects it or not, We make choices. We can make good choices, to love, heal and joy – or we can make choices to hurt, confuse, damage and abuse. We can choose to love ourselves, and our world – or take from it and destroy. We can choose how we respond to oppression of poverty or war, we can choose. (The end of Poverty Safari by Darren McGarvey is very interesting)
I know there is more to write on this subject, and all three of the books I have mentioned are teaching and showing me more about choices and responsibilities, do give them a read. On Choice and responsibilities – what do you think? I know I haven’t covered the effects of trauma or medical diagnosis, or oppression in this piece, and so I know it is hugely complicated subject. I also want to write about how we have the power to choose our emotions, maybe thats in a follow up piece. Because, today I chose to get up, and chose how I might respond to today.
When you are full of problems, there is no room for anything new to enter, no room for a solution. So whenever you can, make some room, create some space, so that you find the life underneath your life situation.
Use your senses fully
Be where you are
Look around
Just look, don’t interpret
See the light, colours, shapes, textures.
Be aware of the silent presence of each thing.
Be aware of the space that allows everything to be.
Listen to the sounds; don’t judge them.
Listen to the silence between the sounds.
Touch something – anything- and feel and acknowledge its being.
Observe the rhythm of your breathing; feel the air flowing in and out,
feel the life energy inside your body.
Allow everything to be, within and without.
Allow the Is-ness of all things
Move deeply into the now
Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now.
Why do I love it?
Because if I stop in the midst of now, I notice that there aren’t problems.
I can put more problems into the space, somebody else to add to my own
But what if don’t?
What if I create a gap in the midst – to notice myself and the space I am in
To notice the gap between the problem exists a me, and I am not a problem, the problem isn’t me
The problem exists outside of me
I want to have it consume me less, and I want to step away
And be me, and not my problems, and be me, and not your problems
We are all together alone, and these are just wishes, and I am just dreaming
Perfect Place, Voice of the Beehive 1991
That was one of my favourite songs as a young teenager. I still have the cassette tape.
Something clearly resonated.
A song that said something about being together, and alone.
Thats what my family was like.
We are all together, alone.
Growing up alone.
Thats what I had to do.
People dont spend time with you in your family home when your Mother is a monster.
People stay away.
There are rare family get togethers, where everyone treads the same ongoing eggshells. Waiting for the landmines to be walked on.
And when you do spend time with people – as soon as they leave the house
Monster mother invalidates them.
‘They’re only here to sell something’ or ‘They should make more effort to see us’ or as they leave, after an argument, an abrupt ending – then they never come back.
Then theres the role playing.
The Categories that everyone in the family is given and has to fit into. So and So is ‘always’ doing this, or ‘________ is such a bully’ or ‘do you think _______ will ever grow up?’ Roles of scapegoat, bully, favourite etc played out all around – that as a child I couldn’t see. But it meant there was little connection.
So people stay away.
But its not just the extended family who stay away.
Within the family – its wholly divided up.
Its the only way a monster maintains their power.
Dad cant be trusted, as he’s her helper and investigator – and sworn loyalty
Siblings hide too. They, she is as alone as I am.
And then that leaves me.
Growing up alone.
Finding family in the books, Charlies Family with a chocolate factor, Matildas School teacher, Dannys practical fun dad Dad with the sparkling eyes. Finding Family in other peoples families, the youth leaders and their foster children (and their own), finding family with other adults in the church. These were the safe people to have family with.
Friends weren’t safe, not all the time.
Unless a friend didnt want to come back to my house. Then it was ok.
‘Why doesnt ________ come back to the house?’ – err no, why should they? – I prefer being at theirs being anywhere but here She would play nice with them in person – like the Birthday parties from when I was 8, or when id here ‘Your mum isnt as bad as you say she is’ – nope – thats because in that hour she kind of put on a false mask.
So, in the end, I avoided having friends, close friends too. It was kind of a safety mechanism, for me, and for them. Id have friends that we would do school together or where they didnt mind me going to their house, their park/community etc. But id learnt very quickly that the only way to be safe was to keep these people away, keep secrets.
I have been describing this series as surviving psychopathic parenting, and I think after 23 parts to it, you have been able to tell what its like, and, piecing together all the parts, will create a picture, do look up the menu above for parts 1-22.
It is growing up alone.
And strangely, also, growing up in a false type of alone as no one actually realises or can comprehend that you are alone. ‘But you have both parents’ or those few moments of ‘being family’ and everyone is together. There is no happiness or joy in any family photos. Nothing. Hiding behind the surface of what ‘looks’ like a normal, nuclear, are people, victims of abuse, children, who are utterly alone.
The double whammy of not being able to describe it, but feeling that constant ache, that constant emptiness of being completely utterly emotionally alone.
Emotionally self dependant. Had to rely on whatever I knew of myself.
It’s so multilayered, that even now its hard to describe. How a monster in one family divides everyone up, how they offer nothing but neglect, how they project behaviours, how they make accusations, so that you recoil, how they play victim when threatened, how they dominate, so that in reality, everyone feels alone – no one can trust anyone, the rumours go all around…
I mean: How on earth can a child describe emotional aloneness that pervades everything? – when it looks like the ‘family’ is together.
If this ring true for you, in a domestic abuse relationship, with either partner or parents do seek help, and if this provokes thoughts that you would want to investigate further, do look up the resources on the menu page above.
‘We’re free from the death camps – but we must also be free to – free to create, to make a life, to choose. And until we find our freedom to, we’re just spinning around in the same endless darkness’
Edith Eğer ( The Choice)
I get this.
Time plays havoc on the possibility of something new
Moreover, accurately, trauma plays havoc with time.
Its like it wants to pull you back to that thing – because in the present there’s a reminder of it, sometimes this is certain, other times is unintentional. It was almost likely that I would find something resonating in Ediths book about surviving a death camp, but in a way I was ready for it.
Other times the moment hits you when you least expect it.
I think thats why when I write about my life, and write blogs theres not always a simple thread. Some im revealing the hurts, some I’m revealing myself, some are about the process of rebuilding, some are about the methods, some are about a future as yet unknown, full of possibility.
Sometimes its about realising that I have a choice to, a choice to spin in there endless darkness – and how does that balance with writing about a story, reflecting and learning so that it might do the same for others?
But what about freedom?
What freedom is there, after trauma?
Well, there is every freedom, isnt there? Maybe theres even more on days when we feel like we’ve conquered monsters – revealed them – on other days its feels like a fog in which the future that has never been certain, still is.
What about the freedom to choose to forgive?
The freedom to choose to share our story?
The freedom to live, in a quiet place and be away from everyone?
The freedom to hide?
The freedom to choose to do life in the way we want to? Given the contrast between the abusive control that had held it so far?
The freedom to choose not to fix someone else – instead of focussing on myself
The freedom to feel my own emotions
The freedom to not people please
The freedom to walk out the door
The freedom to have a safe house
The freedom to construct boundaries
The freedom to be able to make decisions
The freedom to not know
The freedom to be the didn’t think it was possible me
The freedom to choose
The freedom to smile
The freedom to have fun
The freedom to rediscover myself
The freedom to see the spinning, and step off the roller coaster
and as Edith says:
The freedom to have life
for the first time
Maybe theres no point being free, if you don’t know what to do with it – the temptation as Edith shares is that for so many freedom is terrifying and it was easier for some prisoners of war to stay within the prison walls, those who want to keep you captive make it so hard for you to want to experience freedom, or to have the confidence or self belief too.
Edith also writes ; ‘When you have something to prove, you aren’t free’
let that sink in a moment…
And thats it isnt it, in places of abuse and torture , you dont know where you stand, playing guessing games on a hot bed of eggshells, always trying to prove, please, or appease.
I spent far too long in my life trying to meet invisible expectations to people who were never satisfied, grateful or happy… or staying in situations of abuse just to prove them wrong. How shit is that? But that was my first 40 years of life.
So, once we feel the freedom, of the breeze on our faces, the water on our feet, the freedom to start again, the freedom that feels light and fun, even to choose how to spend the small amounts of money that we might be left with, its still freedom.. its about continuing to walk in the direction of freedom, in the direction of opportunity, in the direction of life.
I was wondering, what are the things we do, when in the midst of abusive relationships, before we realise that it wasn’t actually us?
Therapy is one of them
This reminded me of more….in an abusive relationship, of some of the strong imbalances..
You do the work – for those that wont
You do the thinking – for the one that wont
You show up – for the one that hides
You take the blame – for the one that gives it
You have principles, of truth – for the one who is just out to win
You do the time – for the one who wants easy
You solve and fix – the damage they create
You take on their issues – for the one who demands it
You take on responsibility – for the one who avoids it
You invest in the relationship – for the one who expects it
You respond to their emotions – for the one who projects them
You keep the peace – for the drama that spews from them
You stay the quiet one – for the one who can’t see themselves, making the noise
You remember things – for the one who’s amnesia is selective
You start….eventually… too see….
Yourself, in a way they cannot see.
and
Them, in a way they cannot see either.
That you are more than an extension of their abuse
That all you have dealt with, are tools too for making you strong.
You and I have put up with so much, that its now time to fly.
As a friend commented to me, there are nuances to this, that a short article can never convey, my focus on this is more parent/child abusive relationships, but that doesnt negate the possibility/reality that partner relationships can be very one sided and these binary occur. The adage that ‘they dont change’ unless we do is undoubtedly true, but as you do change, seeing the extent of that weight can start to be released..
James Ballantyne 