James Ballantyne

Category: Emotions

  • Why I’m enjoying Euro 2020: Its because I don’t need it

    Why I’m enjoying Euro 2020: Its because I don’t need it

    I realised something the other day, Im quite enjoying the football at Euro 2020 (in 2021, but you know, Covid etc) , and its not just having the crowds back in, or just from yesterdays two thrilling games of 14 goals with France, Switzerland , Spain and Croatia. But its something else. I cant even watch much of it, with no TV or license, and im not listening to Radio 5 either.

    I realised that I’m not needing the football this year.

    There have been two fairly constant aspect of my life since I was a young teenager, Faith has been one of them, and football has been another. (Some would argue that food has too, but maybe thats for another story)

    I needed football. Football took me on emotional roller coasters

    It shaped my yearly calendar, the end of the season was also summer, then a tournament.

    It gave me an outlet.

    It also gave me a space to hide away.

    I could literally shut out everything and everyone else to focus on football.

    I still can.

    But it gave me an escape.

    I needed it for its drama, and I needed the journey of a summer tournament of the existential hope of an England tournament victory to keep me going.

    So when they got knocked out, usually by penalties, usually by Germany, it wasnt just the end of hope. It was the return, for a few months of real life. I needed football. Its role in my life was 90 minutes each evening on my teenage bed listening to Radio 5, the soothing noise of people commentating.

    It was painful when England lost, when my team (Man Utd lost), because something in me needed them to be a source of joy, of hope, of belief.

    I needed it as a distraction, a drug, a hope, to be a fan, and yet ive tried to give it up in the past, but sometimes it was a safe place, a distraction. Time away from somewhere unsafe and toxic and Radio 5 in the earphones walking the dog, or driving the car. The filling of my head of a different noise to drown out the pain.

    What I discovered, through a breakdown, a complete life rebuild from scratch and in the recovering and understanding of trauma was that I could just have carried on on that cycle of adding further activity to the mind and life, and not deal with the actual need. What I needed was less of the other, and more attention to me. I can enjoy football more, now, because I dont need it.

    As I said in my first piece on this blog, I get the obsession, I get the need. I get the use of football for men to talk about which is safe. And I know there are some good people in football who are talking about football and mental health, depression and dealing with significant life problems, like Mark Goldbridge for one, and on his United Stand there are always many people who thank him for talking about Mental Health, and being real about emotions.

    I still like football. But if you feel like you need it, as an escape, a distraction from things in your life that you aren’t choosing to deal with, then, even after basking in an England win over Germany this evening, maybe listen to that voice, that inner voice inside that gnawing away at you, as it gnawed away at me. If its masking a pain, then maybe its time to say out loud what that pain is, acknowledge it, whether its abuse, neglect, shame, guilt, drink or drug problems, maybe its time to stop and listen, and begin life, that includes football, and includes a you that is healthier. Football isnt a therapist, unlike a therapist, or a dog might be.

  • When the battle for our mind shifts

    When the battle for our mind shifts

    You must control your mind Harry, don’t let Voldemort find his way in to control you

    That was one of the main weapons that Voldemort used to control Harry. He got into his dreams, he got into his mind. He set up scenarios so that Harry would jump to the rescue to be the hero.

    It was a battle that Dumbledore, Snape, Ron and Hermione tried to encourage Harry to put a stop too in most of the last 3 Books.

    Control your mind Harry.

    Control it. Dont let him in.

    Dealing with an abuser is a battle of the mind.

    They torment dreams. At unlikely moments cause pain in the forehead, the ears, the mind.

    Shock. Terror. Fear. Shame. Guilt.

    Harry had to try, and was largely unsuccessful in controlling his mind.

    When we’ve been in traumatic incidents our minds are affected. Fragmented, Damaged.

    We also over think the situation. At least I have done in the past. Mind not stopping. Its as if the abuser wants to keep that part of us guessing. Keep that part of us moving all the time. Second guessing their behaviour. Relaying the wound of a previous torment back into our bodies, adrenaline. Vigilance. Scared.

    Control your mind Harry.

    When we’re over thinking…how are you breathing? How am I breathing..what have I noticed? I stopped breathing, I need to start..but..slowly…

    What else do I notice?

    I can’t think straight…I cant think of the possibilities..Im in fear, terror, react, fight, flight, freeze response… I cant breathe..

    You must Control your mind Harry….

    Dont let Voldemort in….

    But then something strange happens.

    Gradually, as Harry works out the patterns, Gradually as Harry works out Voldemorts weaknesses, Gradually the game shifts.

    Harry deliberately opens his mind. Because thats where Voldemort reveals himself. Thats where Harry can see what he is up too. The power shifts.

    Harry has the power, in his mind.

    He has worked out the patterns, Harry is stronger, Harry isn’t reactive, that which Harry has been abused by, is what Harry uses to assume control and power. He sees it and Voldemort for what he is. Harry has also learned not to react immediately. Hermione slows him down.

    Once we see the same patterns of our abusers we can see the way out. They have, largely the same patterns. They often rely on our immediate responses, responses out of fear, guilt or shame. Most of the time no response, or no, will reveal them for who they are. Patterns like DARVO for one, and The Drama Triangle.

    My mind used to be all over the place, but thats how I dealt with what I was going through, by not dealing with it. Shut everything off, but only keep the mind open. Full time concentration. It has only since I have been in a safe place where I have relaxed, and realised I dont have to concentrate all the time. What I have also realised and am learning is how to respond to the infrequent emotionally immature communications from the abusers. Sometimes I think it would be better to block them, cut them off at source, other times, like Harry , it could just be important to be able to keep an eye on them, especially if other people might be in danger because of them.

    I love how the power shifts in that last Harry Potter book, revealing to us all what it takes to have power over those who we have been terrified of. It starts with being more self aware, slowing down, and realising that we dont have to respond, crucially also Harry found this more able to do in places where he was safe. Surrounded by those who love and support him and also in safe distance. When we change. When we see. We see something different. We see that we have power.

  • Don’t be afraid, of the you inside

    Don’t be afraid, of the you inside

    Do not be afraid

    of the you under the skin

    like a solid orange

    with a lava interior

    You are not the labels you gave yourself

    Someone made you anxious

    Someone gave you fear

    Someone gave you shame

    These are not your labels, just layers

    Do not be afraid

    of the you under the skin

    that hot fire

    pure within

    that’s you

    You are not the labels that helped you cope

    Survival by being helpful

    Survival by hiding way

    Gave you reason and hope

    But dont be afraid of the you inside

    and the treasure you are about to find.

    (James Ballantyne, 2021)

  • Healing is like an iron clad onion

    The first layer is the toughest to crack.

    It took something major for me, it might do for you

    To admit, finally.

    To creak open that iron clad exterior

    That protector.

    That protective layer.

    That thing you’ve been using to hide everything vulnerable inside.

    Staying busy

    Helping others

    Survival of the responsible-ist

    until it cracks

    reveals a tiny slither of the next layer

    soil. Brown dirt. Mess.

    The clean up is about to start.

    The recent pain – on the exterior, just under the surface.

    Time to get it clean.

    Cleanse. Brush it off. Wipe.

    But what’s that smell? discovering that the core is trying to make itself known

    An energy that pushed open the iron clad skin

    The voice from within

    Healing is like an iron clad onion

    Seeing new layers

    Having them shed

    peeling them away

    being pushed from the core

    New layers all the time

    Codependency, Emotions, Fears,

    Layers of pain

    stop to let tears flow

    they do

    they will

    Work to remove

    Sometime need professional chefs to prize them open

    Therapists with a culinary hand

    and time

    to gradually peel off some

    very

    slowly

    carefully

    ones that

    have hidden

    for decades

    Voices.

    Abuse.

    Feelings.

    Shame.

    Fear.

    Layers that are labelled.

    That hide the core.

    A loving, caring hand to hold, and peel the layer.

    Revealing the next.

    Healing is like an iron clad onion.

    Exposing the next layer

    Raw, Vulnerable

    Getting closer to it each time. Holding

    it tenderly.

    Not beating the onion like an egg, or treating it like a tennis ball.

    Held lovingly.

    Gentle.

    Not rushing.

    Healing revealing

    new layers to peel.

    New parts to heal.

    Flesh wounds

    Hurts.

    Heart.

    That stopped beating.

    Hidden

    Healing is like an iron clad onion.

    With a core wanting to be revealed

    Wanting to be

    Just be.

    Not covered

    in layers

    Free

    to

    be

    again.

  • Growing though Trauma (personally and collectively)

    Growing though Trauma (personally and collectively)

    In my last piece I shared a little about how we love ourselves through healing, what it means to be kind on ourselves, as we do so, forgiving our missteps, not over dwelling on the tiny attempts to try that fail in the bigger picture of overall healing. Today I have come across this concept. Post Traumatic Growth, after reading this tweet.

    The staggering thing for me is that this is only 10%.

    But then again, I realise that looking back how many times in the last 10 years I ignored the warning signs. How scared I was to try and deal with things that I couldn’t describe. How I thought I could just ‘keep going’ and be ok (a trauma response in itself).

    Thats me overthinking to the point where it was ‘safer’ and ‘easier’ to stay stuck, swirling in the muck of abusive relationships.

    Healing is undoubtedly about growing, and changing. As you change, others around you either do, or dont, and reveal themselves through their actions (even if their words say something different).

    And to anyone reading this, especially, but not exclusively men, – lets not be afraid to change, and become a better version of ourselves.

    That ‘self-help’ guru that you dismissed in your criticism, that you now have to admit is right… thats ok. Humble pie is good, when it means that you are healing too.

    That breakdown, that illness, that continual knowing ache… might be the sign and symptom that is trying to tell you something, that something isn’t right, and a reason to stop.

    One of the key factors in helping me to grow, was that 2 of the friends who walked with me through the easiest time had also been through therapy, had also experienced what I had in different ways. They were the wise guides, showing me paths that I could take (though never forcing it).

    I recognise some of myself in this article. I have been relentlessly optimistic about my own capacities since I was about 11 and a strong, if coherent, sense of self, even in the difficult times, and doing lot of practical and written tasks to keep going, though I also know that my coping styles were avoidance , not wanting to deal with things. Maybe thats a key one for us all.

    Learning to turn around and face the trauma.

    To name it, see it, and understand it for what it is.

    To deal with the root thats been nagging away.

    It was for me. Maybe it is for you.

    Theres definitely no sense of ‘look at me ive made it’ as I write, dealing with trauma is an ongoing struggle, healing and recovery takes time, and requires so many new, daily moments of inner work. Its too simple to say ‘What doesnt kill you makes you stronger’, too trite. As in this piece..

    But as stories and literature often reveal, it is possible not only to recover from trauma, but to actually grow from it and flourish. Suffering has long been romanticized in literature, art, and folklore as transformative and empowering. There is an element of truth to this concept. But it needs to be looked at more closely. Simply experiencing suffering and trauma does not guarantee that you will become a better, stronger person for it. This attitude is a trite and irresponsible one that men for centuries have used as an excuse to abuse their children in the name of “toughening them up.”

    From Growth and Recovery through trauma in Psychology Today

    Also, this isnt trying to say that ‘if you do this, X happens’ , for me the growth happened in the process and took a lot of work. It’s not a promise, but it could be a new reality. Its about how to rethink the abuse, how to put ourselves in the centre of our lives, and this takes significant effort.

    Right now, approximately 50% of you who have experienced trauma are reading this and saying, “I’m supposed to be grateful for all the crud that happened to me? Each day, I struggle for even a modicum of what other people take for granted. There’s no amount of ‘growth’ that can stop me wishing this hadn’t been my life.”

    Post-traumatic growth is not a given. We’re not going to gloss over the long arduous road to recovery from trauma that for the most part does not feel victorious or courageous for those who are on it. However, at least 50% of survivors have found that they can begin to define themselves and their communities by their strengths and that in no small way these strengths have been forged by adversity.

    Taken from https://www.echotraining.org/the-promise-of-post-traumatic-growth-part-ii/

    “Out of the hottest fire comes the strongest steel.” – Chinese proverb

    My hope is that this piece is an encouragement to you. Not a burden of expectation. My hope is that it causes you to see what can be possible, what is possible. We dont choose the trauma we have experienced, but we can start t choose how we heal from them, how we live our lives from and beyond them. In the midst of it all, tiny shoots of green start to appear. They may be tender. They may be small. But they are there.

    Additionally: Since 2020 its not just a personal thing, trauma, whilst we have all experienced the effects of Covid in different ways, how we rebuild from it, healthily may have something to do with what our reactions have been during it, this piece on ‘Why PTG might be what we all need in 2021′ has some helpful insights in it.

  • Recovering and Healing (Part 1) Discovering Appreciation

    Recovering and Healing (Part 1) Discovering Appreciation

    Its such a trivial thing, I said to my therapist (almost as I put on my jacket to leave at the end of the first session)

    But I’ve realised how much I like to feel appreciated

    Me, early 2019

    ‘Its not trivial at all though is it‘, he said to me.

    When you’re appreciated, you know where you stand with people

    My therapist

    When you’re appreciated you know where you stand with people.

    I was used to trying to find appreciation

    Trying to please

    Then told I was trying too hard

    Not knowing where I stood, so in a relationship always continuing to try to do the next thing.

    A slave to uncertainty.

    A slave.

    Emotionally immature people dont give their certainty away often.

    So, it means that there’s unsaid expectations to keep trying, to keep trying to revolve around them, to try and meet an unexpected thing that doesn’t ever seem possible.

    Because it isnt possible

    Because that’s what they want you to do.

    To exhaust yourself.

    Appreciation from the emotionally immature, the sociopath or psychopath is often a manipulation to get you to do the thing they want you to do, or give you a rope to hang yourself on.

    Its never ; ‘You’ve all done really well fighting the virus, despite the corruption, narcissism and sociopathic entitlement of us, the Tory Government’ – but a continual blame of others.

    What I didnt realise was how important this was, being appreciated. What I didnt realise, until I was in a safe place and my friend thanked me for cooking a meal.

    I couldn’t take the appreciation. I shrugged it off. I wasn’t used to it.

    I hadn’t ever had it.

    Say thank you to someone at Companies House - GOV.UK

    A project was messy throughout its duration, but dont expect a medal for finishing it

    ‘Oh, do you want brownie points, just for cleaning the bathroom’?

    What I didn’t realise was how important something was, that I didn’t think was that important.

    Because, well, I got by without it. It was the way I had expected.

    Nothing right, nothing perfect, nothing good enough,

    I had given it to others, praised the young person for what they did, tried to appreciate staff in workplaces, but I know now how hard that was for me. It was easier to be critical and reflective, the hardest thing was to appreciate the work others did. Deep down it was coming from an empty place.

    Yet I thought it was a trivial thing.

    That I gave away to my therapist a few years ago.

    Its not trivial.

    The thing that you are trying to hide from, run from, or the thing that made you feel good for that moment.

    When the tears fall.

    And you, important human being, start to realise – from the simplest ‘Thank you’ , from the simplest ‘Thanks for cooking this’ that something inside felt, cracked, and was safe to reveal itself as tears.

    This meant that I could stop. I didnt need to add more, cook more, try harder next time, make a three course meal…

    It meant I could stop and enjoy it.

    I could stop, certain.

    So

    Notice.

    A therapist helped validate, legitimate this.

    Notice what happens when you are treated well.

    how do you respond?

    From day 1, a few friends and then a therapist were the spaces I needed to feel safe, safe to feel, safe to reveal myself.

    Realising how important it is to be appreciated.

    Realising how uncertain, how abusive relationships are when this is absent.

    Realising this in structures, workplaces and ministries too.

    That was one of the first things I learned, felt in my healing and recover journey. It started from day 1 in a safe place, and continued as I reflected in Therapy a few months later. Join me in future articles as I share some of my healing and recover journey, the concepts that were key for me, the learning and reflecting I did. Some of these I shared in real time on my other blog, 2 years ago. (Please do follow and like to keep up to date with this series)

    ‘Being appreciated’ that was one of the first things I had to feel, to embrace, to hear, in the process of rebuilding.

    It’s important. And

    So are you.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (part 16) Putting my feelings in shutdown mode

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (part 16) Putting my feelings in shutdown mode

    Im not going to feel that now

    No, its not going to hurt me, I’m going to go rigid

    Switching off

    Numb

    I decided not to feel anything from a long time ago. It was the easiest thing at the time. It was more than that, it was a self protective thing, because of the arrows, lies, the verbal abuse and emotional reactions of the psychopath in my life.

    Did I train myself not to feel?

    Possibly

    I shut down all type of feelings or emotions My life is better that way
    or so I thought…

    I cant remember how or when I started to dissociate from my body. From my feelings. From listening to my heart.

    Probably from a time when it was unsafe to. Probably from a time when the needs it expressed as a toddler or child did not get responded to, or was scalded for.

    I didn’t know that it was known as ‘dissociation’ I just thought I was being clever, I was just doing what I needed to do to survive, I was just doing what I needed to to not be as hurt by the emotional abuse.

    What I do remember is the strength of my mind one time. On an early morning paper round late one winter/march time, I forgot my gloves, and I usually wore 2-3 pairs, it was the cold and wind chill on a bike… So, I remember thinking to myself that temperature was ‘all in the mind’ – and so, for the next 2 hours, cycling, folding and delivering newspapers I tried to focus my mind on things like warm fires, heat and sunshine, almost trying to block out to my mind the cold pain signals. To my surprise it virtually worked, until maybe the last 20 mins.

    Another time this occurred is that one piece of advice for cycling further is to listen to music, as it stops pain signals getting to the brain.

    The problem with both. Is that in the immediacy afterwards, I realised that my fingers were cold, in the hot shower afterwards… and also that my body after a 100 mile cycle could only endure so much blocking of the pain…

    Interesting.

    My body could only withstand so much of the blocking of the pain, when it was about the cold, or exercise..

    At the same time as blocking the cold on a paper round, I had been blocking the emotional reactions of the parent. I have done ever since. Just because im 43 and not 13 doesn’t mean to say that dissociation doesn’t occur even now, but it did last time 2 years ago.

    My mind took over, and knew it had a heart to protect, and my body went into a kind of dissociated paralysis in her presence. No you don’t get me to hug you back. You don’t get the me you damaged.

    What I also know I did was shut down my inner world, a world I am now discovering, but that’s for another piece.

    Dissociation is when you psychologically separate yourself from yourself. It can make you freeze up or shrivel inside, or even make you feel like you’re detached from your body

    Lindsay C Gibson, 2019 Recovering from Emotionally immature Parents

    Gibson goes on to say that dissociation is a ‘natural defence’ and can be any form of distancing from your conscious experience of yourself , being a primitive type of emotional escape and common defence against threat or danger, especially for children in an unsafe environment.

    There are costs to this reaction. But at the time its like coping with no gloves on a freezing cold day, its numbing the possibility of pain, and the pain itself.

    Its the proverbial deer in the headlights. The freeze.

    But in the moment it causes passivity. (The deer isn’t thinking much either)

    Recovering from this is to reclaim the action and power in the space- not to freeze, to ‘hang in there’ – and this is something I am working through. But for now, this is about recognising that surviving psychopathic parenting was a feat of natural strength, a natural shut off.

    Because

    When children discover how self-disconnect takes away pain, they use it for increasingly minor threats. After a while they can become strangers to their own inner experience, instead of just cutting themselves off from fear or hurt, all emotion gets so dulled that life itself feels a little unreal.

    Gibson, 2019, pp79.

    Yes.

    This.

    Living in my head, pretending, keeping the emotions at bay.

    In survival mode because of dissociation.

    Most, if not all of my childhood, and a lot of my adulthood to date so far.

    Discovering only recently through therapy what I feel – because I just dont or didnt know.

    Shut that bit off like headphones on a bike ride.

    Did everything to suppress the emotion.

    The body keeps the score though.

    Childhood Emotional Neglect: How It Can Impact You Now and Later

    Feeling shame, go numb

    Protect myself , freeze.

    Survival meant putting up the shield. One that doesn’t stop arrows, but tried to stop them going deep.

    Thank you for reading, links are above or to the right of the resources, the previous parts to my story, and also how you can support me, via the KO-FI site. Thank you

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 15): Learning to walk small.

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 15): Learning to walk small.

    The only way to survive navigating walking on eggshells with an abusive parent, or partner, is to make yourself as small as possible.

    In that way less of you can get cut on the sharp shells.

    Theres sometimes at least a few places to be able to walk safely.

    Sometimes.

    Scrapes and Cuts

    When they bark instructions on the phone, at least its not to you

    When other people are around the house, if they’re mistreating them, with often toxic food and emotionally awful conversation, in that space you are safe, even if their false charm is that…false. They daren’t look like they’re a bad person.

    ‘Look at James, here’s my boy… ‘

    Cringe time. But at least it was safe.

    Surviving as a child, and a victim, meant working out when the safe places were, and being small the rest of the time.

    Small.

    ‘The Ballantyne men, are all so quiet’ She would say.

    ‘Its as if no one wants to talk’ she would say

    Staying small.

    Behaving, most of the time.

    Being the internaliser who didnt express needs – for the fear of being accused of being selfish

    But small, in that not being able to be me.

    Small in trying to be the person who was seeking anything, affirmation, validity, a voice.

    Small in that it was a place not to speak.

    Small in that it was a place to hide

    Small in that it was a place to only try and stay within what was safe

    Small in that it was a place to keep trying to get affirmation and recognition, by trying to please, trying to do the thing I thought they wanted.

    Small and survive was not to deliberately touch the eggshells, or ride the sore feet.

    Small meant inhibiting myself, because who can grow in a concentration camp? A literal concentration camp when you have to be on vigilance guard all the time.

    A concentration camp when the trapped had to soothe and pacify the enactors of punishment.

    Small, hiding away.

    Dont make a noise, dont be disruptive, dont make a mess…

    And yet, they make themselves feel like they’re just normal, so to justify it ‘ we’re just like other parents’ ‘its what parents do’

    Surviving meant staying small. Inhibiting. Hiding. Pretending.

    Small in so many ways.

    Giving space away. People pleasing. Codependant. All things I became and am reflecting through.

    Staying small, meant not being heard, taken seriously or be healthily supported nurtured.

    Its hard to walk when your feet are small, and ravished by eggshell cuts.

    Walking small meant having to think ahead, constant. Fear.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 14): Hiding the Treasure

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 14): Hiding the Treasure

    It wasn’t just the anger switch that I had turn off as a child.

    It was the happy joy one too.

    Its my job to bring you down to earth

    That Parent

    It was easier to hide that go through having to hear things like the following

    I need some of your joy, give me some of your joy

    So I didn’t bother.

    I didnt want the photo shoot when I won trophies at school. One because I couldn’t find the photographer, the other because it wouldn’t have been celebrated appropriately. Though the trophies did stay on the mantle piece for a bit too long.

    Fast forward to a graduation 11 years later and their presence caused me to only be on vigilance trauma mode, rather than celebrate. But they had to be there, it was their right. Apparently.

    They didnt know how to affirm or celebrate what I did well, or were envious of the good time I might have had without them. Envy when I did well, Envy when things were going well. Their claim on my success was the trophy child.

    But we knew it. One parent had to have the last word on the other parents birthday. Even making sure at his birthday party, they sang to her too.

    Surviving meant switching off the positives, as well as the negatives.

    Dont raise your hopes up James, even if you think she might be pleased for you, if you are happy, it’ll be tainted with something referring to her ego.

    Some emotionally immature parents actually envy their Childs success and social attention. Instead of being happy for their child, envious parents are ore likely to discount and minimalist their Childs abilities and achievements. These parents lack the maturity to vicariously enjoy other persons good fortune. In their competitive approach to life, a successful offspring threatens their spotlight

    Gibson, Lindsey C, 2019 Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents

    It was easy after a while though. From about aged 14 I only fed them the essentials. What they needed to know.

    Surviving meant finding other people to celebrate with or not bothering.

    Hiding.

    It meant closing up the feelings. Protecting myself from the inevitable dead end type comments, the cut de sacs of emotional eggshells.

    When I knew that it would only be met with a self referential comment, or belittling, or comparing (to herself) , or something that seemed very false (praise), then they didn’t get the good news either.

    What she wanted to take from anything, everything I did.

    Over emotional if I did something wrong, Belittling or killjoy if something went well, or would want to take from it for herself.

    Maybe I did the text book thing, given that:

    Under these conditions, children of envious or jealous parents might learn its better to hide their talents or stay out of the spotlight so as not to tempt a put down from a competitive parent. Due to their parents envy and jealousy, success can be an ambivalent issue for these adult children

    Gibson, 2019, pp52

    Surviving Psychopathic parenting meant shutting down the good stuff too, knowing that it would be taken and used to meet her needs, or reveal her needs. Then I would feel guilty for being successful, or respond to that neediness.

    I wouldn’t say they were overly competitive, or maybe I didnt see it, but parasitic yes.

    Ultimately they only saw themselves, so it was easier to try not to be seen.

    But on other occasions it was just that knowing that having a smile on my face after being somewhere, or with someone, or doing something I enjoyed was about to be shot down. So there was no conversation.

    And equally, if she found out, they’d be trouble too. Or ‘He never tells us anything’ – as if theres no awareness of why they wouldn’t have been told.

    It meant learning to hide. Hide the treasure of the good parts of my life.

    Protect myself, and protect the memories, and protect those good bits.

    Thank you for reading, do like and share with others who you think might find this blog or the website helpful, parts 1-13 of my story are in the menu above.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 13) Accepting the accusations of selfishness

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 13) Accepting the accusations of selfishness

    Don’t you be so selfish

    You were such a spoiled child, I had to get that out of you

    Don’t you even dare even ask for that

    You need to think about things from my point of view

    Ultimately there is no avoiding this, with psychopathic, emotionally immature parenting, or a situation of emotional abuse, it’s the shame and accusations of selfishness that will get you in the end. The above applies to parents too, though you cant divorce them.

    They got me.

    Its funny when I think about it, The very thing the abusers cant do (think of others) is the very thing they accuse you of not doing, when you do it all the time.

    So what are they saying.

    Don’t you dare think about your own needs

    Or

    I am going to control you into doing what I ask, by making you feel shame.

    Emotionally immature people want you to jump when they call.

    They want you to rescue them.

    I was the rescuer, as I’ve written before.

    Terrified to say no as a child if that parent needed me.

    ‘No’ was harder than pretending.

    ‘No’ was harder than going through the motions

    I was accused of selfish if I didn’t meet their needs

    They were jealous if I met the needs of others. Furious even.

    They came first. It was their right and entitlement.

    A Childs dependency often irritates the self-involved parent. Preoccupied with their own issues, Emotionally Immature Parents can be short tempered and react to their Childs needs as if the child had done something wrong. Those parents make their children feel bad for having needs and thereby making the parents life harder.

    Lindsay C Gibson, 2019, pp41

    Surviving meant not having needs.

    It meant not disrupting the apple cart, or daring to crunch the eggshells

    It meant not asking, not requesting.

    Which is funny. Because unless we asked we didnt get, but often shame for asking (because I was at risk of being spoiled)

    This meant going without. Because there was no point in asking.

    I didnt go to them. For anything.

    I acted as though I didnt need them.

    I didnt even need them or go to them when my marriage fell apart.

    Better to hide.

    If you were treated in this way as a child, you may still feel ashamed for having problems or needing help

    Gibson, 2019, pp41

    Yup.

    Survival of the least neediest.

    Survival Alone.

    Knowing that any request to ask would be met with accusations.

    Knowing that any gift would be attached with manipulative strings

    Because they didnt give without strings, or give at all, then the threat of the accusation meant not going to them.

    Shame devastates.

    Action for Happiness

    I didnt bother going to them, my task was to comfort them.

    There was no way I wanted to be thought of as selfish.

    Especially someone who wasnt selfish at all. For some reason I had already learned to put others peoples needs first. Strange how I might have learned that.

    Such powerless anguish impels children to do something -anything- to make their parent respond to them. Thats why young children so often have meltdowns over seemingly insignificant things. They cant keep themselves together in the absence of supportive parental attachment.

    Gibson, 2019 p42

    I held my breath aged 2-4. Those were my meltdowns. ( I wrote more about these in the last part)

    Surviving Psychopathic parenting meant accepting the accusation. It meant accepting it and getting on with life without. It meant being learning to cope completely alone. What parent would give a snake, when a loaf of bread was asked for, said Jesus in Marks Gospel, well, some evangelical psychopathic parents shamed so much that I wouldn’t have even ask.

    Its ironic then that when they shamed for asking, they just take.

    You're not being selfish for wanting to be treated well. Remember that. - BossBabe™ on Instagram | I don't own this image

    Thank you for reading, this is part 13 of my story, parts 1-12 are here

    Please do like and share this, and my other posts if its the kind of message you know will help others, there are a number of resources in the menu above too, and if you’d like to support me on this healing journey, please do click the link to the right too, thank you.