James Ballantyne

Category: Emotions

  • Unlearning the Evangelical Self Loathing

    Unlearning the Evangelical Self Loathing

    I dont deserve to feel warm

    (Me, aged 9)

    I cannot remember what I had done. But whatever it was I had been punished for it and then I felt guilt and self loathing afterwards.

    All your Sins can be removed if you accept Jesus into your life

    (Childrens worker, John Wilkes, 1989, at my church)

    Growing up in an abusive evangelical home, I was never far from self loathing.

    It couldn’t be anyone else fault that things went wrong, apart from mine. For some reason I was given the responsibility. It was my fault my parents were angry at me.

    By the age of 9 I was convinced that shame and guilt was for me to carry. By that age too I was aware of the eggshells I needed to walk on around my parents.

    I didn’t deserve to be warm. I didnt deserve the basic essentials.

    I already bit my nails so that they were infected and painful. That pain was a place of reality. That pain was safe.

    I didnt deserve to be warm either as I took all my duvets and blankets off that night, and it wasn’t summer.

    I didnt deserve.

    I didnt deserve the essentials. Any actual treat would be difficult to receive.

    Being convinced of my own guilt, and shame.

    Consequently given the chance to ‘remove that shame’ aged 11 I took it.

    But it never really was removed was it?

    It doesn’t go away.

    In fact in a strange way it becomes more of an obsession.

    The Cleansing of Sin game, also paradoxically means focussing excessively on sin, and shame, and guilt all the time. An increased opportunity for me to embed self loathing into my core.

    Self loathing is described here as:

    Self-loathing is that underlying feeling that we are just not good: not good enough, not good at this, not good at that, not good at – or for –much of anything.  It can be subtle, we may habitually compare ourselves to others, for instance, constantly finding fault with ourselves and putting ourselves down, with no real awareness that there is anything amiss. Or, we may listen intently to our critical inner voice while it scolds and berates us, telling us how embarrassing, stupid, or insensitive we are; refusing to challenge it even while we suffer from it.

    We may try to suppress this feeling of inadequacy by behaving as though we are superior to others; more intelligent, clever, intuitive, or attractive. It’s as though we have to prove that we are the absolute best in order to avoid the torrent of internal abuse waiting to pounce the moment we show any fallibility.

    https://www.psychalive.org/self-loathing/

    That I dont deserve

    Shame

    Continual guilt.

    If God wasn’t always watching me, then there was always eggshells going off at home.

    I dont deserve.

    Awareness of personal sin, that leads to self denial and self loathing, thats what was happening to me.

    I fell into the cycle, the trap. I wasn’t good enough, nothing I did was good enough, I couldn’t fix it, I dont deserve…

    At age 10 I was more sinned against and didnt have parents who took any emotional responsibility (let alone other responsibilities) , but that wasn’t the message in church. The message I needed to hear, and the one that ‘saved’ me as a christian, was one that tried to alleviate the undeserving feelings I felt. My sin. Yet, the greatest ‘sin’ I had was that I would never be good enough or meet their needs. It was less sin but guilt and shame I wanted rid of. But that wasn’t going to be possible.

    Not with psychopathic evangelical parents (and you can read my story above)

    The songs that I listened to, ‘christian music’ in the 1990’s were full of the same self loathing, that I was feeling

    What if I stumble, what if I fall, what if I lose my step and I make fools of us all

    (DC Talk, Jesus Freak 1991)

    Whats going on inside of me, I despise my own behaviour’

    (DC Talk, I want to be in the light, 1991)

    I am the only one to blame for this, Somehow it all adds up the same

    (Worlds apart, Jars of Clay 1993)

    Growing up evangelical meant being obsessed by personal shame and guilt. It meant also taking on the feeling of responsibility for not only my own failings but also where I had ‘failed’ to make things better for others, revolving around the perpetual needs of others.

    Self-Loathing | VESSELS of VISION

    Would I say I hated myself?

    Parts of me yes. Parts of me no.

    The intellectual trying. Trying to be the best. Trying to prove myself even more.

    Self loathing meant feeling shame.

    Perpetuated from how I felt.

    Scratching my body at times, twisting and pulling my hair out. All signs of the same. Comfort eating.

    A continual loop throughout most of my teenage years, though, continued until not that long ago to be honest, and unlearning it is so hard.

    Trying to say too myself that ‘I do deserve this, because I am ok’ is against 40 years of default.

    SELF-LOVE OR SELF-LOATHING?

    Lindsey Gibson in her book ‘Adult children of emotionally immature parents’ (2015) writes the following:

    Many internalisers subconsciously believe that neglecting oneself is a sign of being a good person. When self absorbed parents make excessive claims on their children energy and attention, they teach them that self-sacrifice is the worthiest ideal- a message that internalising children are likely to take very seriously. These children do not realise that their self sacrifice has been pushed to unhealthy levels due to their parents self-centredness. Sometimes these parents use religious principles to promote self sacrifice, making their children feel guilty for wanting anything for themselves. In this way religious ideas that should be spiritually nourishing are instead used to keep idealistic children focussed on taking care of others’

    (Lindsay C Gibson, 2015, pp120-121)

    The question is how do you unlearn this? How did I?

    Its step by step. Clocking it.

    Realising that gradually when I say to myself that ‘I dont deserve’ something, its a part of my, my critical voice, that has been active too long.

    Realising that as I went to the supermarket on Saturday after having a bit of a wobbly day, and trying to convince myself that it was ‘ok’ to buy myself cake, and a treat. Yes, I guess that having to second guess myself to treat myself, comfort myself, still shows that theres still a large of part of me that has a default of not doing so.

    When we are tired we are attacked by Ideas we conquered a long time ago

    Nietzche

    Or, maybe when we are tired, and finding it a tough day, we revert to the self talk of not that long ago, whilst we are still trying to embody a new way of being.

    Part of my breaking down and rebuilding started with recognising that not everything is my fault. Part of my healing has been to realise that I need not carry decades of responsibility. To not hold it any longer.

    My default of 40 years was to think I dont deserve.

    Maybe that is you too.

    I thought I didnt deserve what I needed. I though I didn’t deserve to feel happy. I felt shame, guilt and self loathing for what I continuously self internalised, encouraged and abetted by my parents and also the strand of evangelical christianity in which I had a strong identity and safety in.

    Part of healing is to name and be close to the things that were unhealthy, harmful and caused me (and you) to feel unhealthy, shame and destructive.

    So I just wanted to say to you, say to me.

    You do deserve it.

    Beautiful human you.

    Breaking down might mean breaking away from the self loathing.

    ‘You are enough’

    If that is the case, then let it go. Shed that skin. It wasn’t doing you any good, none at all.

    Time to wake up the real you.

    Its hard road Im on, unlearning 40 years of the same shame.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 9): Pretending and Hiding

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 9): Pretending and Hiding

    One of the ways of surviving emotionally immature parenting, in fact possibly the only way is to pretend.

    Because, unless you fit into the role they have for you, you are in trouble. So, even if you don’t want to do something, you have to pretend, you have to lie to yourself.

    And every time you do, your real self disappears just a little bit more.

    So what was pretending like.

    Pretending was putting on fake smiles in photos when the dreaded camera was used. Then awaiting the inevitable punishment for ruining the photo, especially if ‘the slide show’ was when they were revealed 6 weeks later, with house guests.

    Pretending to respond with the right words, even if in saying them I knew they weren’t real.

    When walking on emotional eggshells, the best way of surviving is staying calm. So pretending meant not being emotional, pretending meant going with the flow to keep the peace..when dying inside..trapped.

    In was always aware that it felt like ‘other people’ felt things – but I didnt.

    What I know now, is that I survived by not being me. Not being my core self. Nothing in my body or mind was going to let that be exposed.

    So I pretended. Disconnected from what was real.

    Its not just the psychopaths and narcissists who put on an act.

    The survivors do to survive. To protect their heart. Protect themselves.

    The weird thing is that looking back, my abusers didnt care about me being real, they were happy with me going through the motions, pretending.

    I know I wasn’t good at pretending.

    But it was what I had to do to survive.

    Once children discover how self-disconnection takes away pain, they can use it for increasingly minor threats

    (Lindsay C Gibson, 2019)

    The healing part, is learning to reconnect with the parts of me I disconnected from. But thats for my healing journey..another time..

    Thank you for reading, if you would like to read parts 1-8, they are in the menu above. There are resources in the menu and links to the books that have helped me.

    Thank you again

  • Feeling grief; for the mothers day cards I could never send

    I really have toyed with this one all week, I didn’t want to continue the series on surviving a psychopath parent, because what I needed to do this week was to take stock a bit, and be kind on myself, given that this weekend is Mothers day.

    And it started to bite in the middle of the week.

    Feelings.

    Now that I’m aware of them, I hate them too. Gave myself a headache.

    Every year I used to go through the life triggering, upsetting event of trying to find a suitable mothers day card for an abusive mother. Pretend, lie, or send a blank one.

    The same routine for as long as I can remember. Since being an early teen, easily that long.

    I mean they are all sickening.

    Why?

    Because it was the done thing. Because also I would be used to hearing…

    You’ll upset her if you dont

    Yes, because I would be the rescuer wounding the victim.

    I had already decided that I wouldn’t be sending a card this year, unless Clintons cards advertised that they had broadened their range to include honest sentiments like

    ‘On mothers day, here’s a card because it avoids drama’

    ‘To an emotionally immature parent, Happy Mothers day’

    ‘Im sending this because its tradition and not much more’

    That was the beginning of the week. Passive aggressive suggestions for the mothers day card that Im not going to send.

    Then I realised that, as per the Drama triangle, her emotions are her responsibility, and not mine.

    But that doesn’t take away from the 40 years of hearing those words.

    You’ll upset your mother

    Lindsay C Gibson writes:

    Do you remember a time when they used fear, guilt, shame or self doubt to make you do what they wanted? What worked best on you? What type of emotional coercions are you most vulnerable to? What physical sensations do you get when someone is trying to make you feel bad for their benefit?  (Gibson 2019, Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents)

    So I clocked it. Realised it. Felt it with a headache.

    Gave myself time.

    Realised what was going on.

    Resisting the urge to buy a mothers day card.

    But then.

    Mothers day.

    The week before.

    I may avoid going through the motions in a feat of honesty to myself. But…

    Then I felt something else.

    Good grief.

    Grief.

    Grief, because I can’t send a Clintons sickening Mothers day card?

    Grief, beyond the passive aggression?

    I mean is it possible to miss the mother you never had?

    but you should be grateful James, at least…..

    Please do not suggest how I might be grateful on this one.

    I am allowed to feel…I should feel what I actually feel…

    I mean does anyone actually have the kind of relationship with their parents depicted in Clintons cards? oh you do.. oh..

    grief because whilst you’ve spent your life on eggshells everyone else has been having picnics?

    dont be so sensitive James…everyone has ‘issues’ with their parents… 

    you shouldn’t compare James…

    Realising that you even have to talk your way out of the truth of the situation, the truth of the feelings.

    Being aware that this time of the year is mixed with many emotions, and im not grieving a relationship thats broken down, because it was a relationship that never was, and feeling grief for the parents I never had.

    Grieving what you never had, at the same time realising how you survived the parents that you actually did have. Grief for the time wasted, and the emotions damaged and the trauma invoked.

    Grief for the mothers day cards I could never send.

     

    All the resources referred to, and links, can be found above in the Menu.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 6) : Taking on the rescuing role

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 6) : Taking on the rescuing role

     

    Dont you start playing victim!

    (because that’s the role I have in mind for myself)

    I cant cope with… what youve just said, what youve just done….

    (you’re expected to alleviate me, not challenge me, you’re supposed to soothe things…)

    You just need to take more responsibility

    (thats interesting, because ultimately, I’m taking all the responsibility, and I’m the child in the house) 

     

    Since I published the last part of my survival story, I was reflecting on the drama triangle on my other blog, Learning from the Streets,  which I wrote *obviously for youthworkers, like myself who can get stuck in that cycle.  Maybe it took the penny to drop a little bit.  To realise the extend to which the drama triangle was being played out in my childhood home, and also in more recent situations.  When I think about my own issues with codependency, they go back to the role I was expected to play as a child.

    Because, if the roles of Persecutor and Victim have already been taken, in the one psychopathic parent, and they control who assumes the other roles.

    I became the grown up child, like I said in my part 5, who took on the emotionally rescuing role, the ‘grown up’ , was told that I was the person that ‘could alleviate’ the emotional pain of the psychopath parent, and so, along with the eggshells to be aware of, I also became attuned to the moments where I had to step in and perform the rescuing duties.

    When the psychopath shifted from persecutor, to persecuted, the role of rescuer needed to be filled, and significant guilt/expectation was made, its not like I was able to say no.

    Seen through a drama triangle, the Emotionally immature parents distorted narrative of relationships is one of endless conflict; the strong exploit the innocent, who then suffer and deserve to be rescued by someone else.  (Lindsay C Gibson, 2019)

    What this meant, as I said in the previous part of this story, was surviving emotionally alone. Though I will say, that I was rarely cast as victim in the cycle, the persons who bore this weight, was my younger sister, and also, any other female in the family too, who my psychopathic parent had to continually be superior over. If my sister was victim, or even persecutor when she kept boundaries herself, then I was tasked with playing rescuer.

    When I was about 10 or 11 I remember a time when my parent, who maintained a level of control by being a primary school dinner lady (that’s what they were called in the 1980’s)  was hit by a football in the playground, or fell over and damaged her arm, it ended up in a sling. I remember the incident, because of the level of upset I felt about it. I remember my teachers trying to reassure me, that my mums arm would be ok. What I remember is that my over reaction to this incident emotionally was that I felt guilty for not protecting her, I, as a 10 year old, hadn’t stopped the ball, or the fall, or whatever it was. That was the reason for my reaction, I hadn’t fulfilled my role as rescuer. Was I about to get into trouble from the over emotional parent for not protecting them?

    In an emotionally toxic family upbringing, where strong persecutor and victim roles are taken, then rescuer was the only ‘safe’ place for me to be, not that I realised it at the time. But what that meant was having all the emotional responsibility, though that wouldn’t be admitted to (that would require a level of self reflection from someone incapable of it) .

    What I didn’t realise at the time (well who would as a child) was the extent which this drama was played out, neither did I realise that having to take on this responsibility as a child was emotionally abusive, and done behind closed doors.  It shouldn’t have happened, but thats what psychopathic parenting does.

    Surviving meant rescuing, but then what I did was shut down. When I began to realise how draining and destructive this was, I stated to shut down, so that my psychopathic parent did then receive any emotion from me. I went rigid and gave her no emotion, whether anger, or joy. Detaching from my emotions in that unsafe space was what I had to do to survive. I know now, my core self was protecting itself. Putting up an internal boundary to protect the inner child in me that had barely been seen or nurtured.

    Part 6 of my survival story is about me recognising how I developed into the role of child healer and rescuer. Part of my survival story, was about trying to make things better in the family, doing the emotional heavy duty lifting, and ‘trying to make things better’ when actually there weren’t adults in it taking any emotional responsibility for themselves. Surviving meant being responsible for others in a drama triangle that they were creating.  Part of my healing now, is to stop myself taking on responsibility, becoming aware of codependency, constructing boundaries and practicing emotional health.

     

    (A client remarked) he’d spent his adulthood trying to let go of his past, and he remarked how ironic it was that he had to get closer to it in order to let it go. (Kolk , The Body keeps the Score, 2014)

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 5): The Little Grown Up

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 5): The Little Grown Up

    Turn up at a church youth group hiding scratch marks under your sleeve, or bruises on your arm, and you are treated as a project, someone who needs attention and even too damaged to be considered useful.

    Turn up as someone considered ‘mature for their age’, who thinks of others more than themselves, is able to listen and support people, and has no physical marks of the emotional damage, and they get funnelled into leadership.

     

    Mature for his age

    He’s a kind lad

    He likes to help people

     

    I abandoned my  childhood.

    Because there was no point in being a child any more. What was the point of being childish, when nurture as a child wasn’t offered, far better to become self reliant, sufficient and work towards being an adult.

    Keep out of trouble, so not to upset the eggshells – might equal maturity in the eyes of an organisation like a church that equally seeks a level of conformity, and so church and me easily fit in together once it was safe.

    But going up in an emotionally abusive home doesn’t give you the physical scars.

    If anything, it gave me the fine emotionally attuned skills to have an open door for others to dump their issues and concerns on. That was how I thought I would be friends with people. I grew up a walking codependent, and that made me a good friend for many, and prime for a role in a church, growing up quick meant leadership from a young age.Merit Patches : Playwell Martial Arts, The UK's Largest Online Martial Arts Superstore | Est 1995

    Without any obvious needs, and had been encouraged not to have any of my own, I became the little grown up. At age 11 I realised I had to make the path for my own life, I got tidy (as well as being clever) and made school work for me, excelled at it, and ended with good grades. (this was also a ploy to stay out of trouble too)

    If you had a self reliant personality, your parent wouldn’t have seen you as the needy child for whom he or she could play the role of rescuing parent. Instead you may have been pegged as the child without needs, the little grown up (Gibson, Lindsey C, 2016

    And as a little grown up, I sought friends who were also grown up, adults rather than peers, or the ‘maturer’ peers in school, to have more in-depth chats, and likewise the youth leader, the adults in church. Taking on responsibility, I led Sunday school groups at age 12, youth club at 16.  Working from 13 as a paper boy, babysitting and then in supermarkets, I rarely to this day asked my parents for money, and became self reliant to an extent (not that they offered it mind, unless it was couched in favouritism or rescue mentality) , and have gone through 2 degree courses and 25 years of life since leaving home, without asking, and having to be self reliant.

    Interestingly, self sufficient children who dont spur their parents to become enmeshed are often left alone to create a more independent and self determined life. Therefore, they can achieve a level of self development exceeding that of their parents. In this way, not getting attention can actually pay off in the long run (Gibson, 2016)

    So, on this basis, growing up fast was not only my only survival option, but also growing up and not needing them was in my favour. I was the little grown up, caring for others, including the parent, and learned very quickly to withhold my own needs, or find my own resources in which to have them met. Growing up and connecting in a church community , also meant that it was easy to find roles, and spaces in which growing up and taking responsibility was encouraged and affirmed, and where I could become the person I needed to be. The person that left childish and childlike ways behind.

    Links to all the resources I mentioned are in the menu above.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 4) – Asbestos feet; From Eggshells to Empathy.

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 4) – Asbestos feet; From Eggshells to Empathy.

    Thank you for reading, this is part 4 of my survival story, do check out parts 1-3 in the menu to the right, though each part can be read separately. This one may contain details that could trigger. 

    Growing up with psychopathic emotionally immature parents allowed me to develop asbestos feet, with all the walking on eggshells that I had to do.

    Now I know, if God had desired that we were to find asbestos feet useful maybe we would have been created with them, so maybe they are more a product of how the human child adapts to survive in such unnurturing circumstances.

    Using eggshells to remove toxic water pollutants | News | Chemistry World

    I had soft feet. Eggshells hurt. Like they would do if they are stood on.

    Apparently I had to toughen up, and develop proverbial asbestos feet, by the very person who was relaying the floor with a layer of eggshells to walk on.

    Sometimes there’d be a bomb in and amongst the eggshell too, or a place of glass, just to cut deeper, all just to ‘help’ me to develop ‘thicker’ skin.

    Given that I had no choice as a child, its loyalty or punishment, then, I learned to pretend, to fake agreeing, agreeing to being the role that was compliant, and trying to navigate a pathway full of emotional eggshells and explosives, that sometimes went off, other times just the fear of them was enough.

    Its one thing advising people how not to walk on eggshells when you’re at work, but what if thats your entire home existence, you might as well have been born with asbestos feet, because they get to be needed pretty early on.

    My Psychopath parent was of the emotionally fragile and unpredictable variety, in this post I share the 12 common features of emotionally immature parents, taken from Lindsay Gibsons book.

    If other people are getting more attention, they find ways to draw attention back to themselves, such as interrupting, firing off zingers that get everyones attention, or changing the subject. If all else fails they may pointedly withdraw, look bored or otherwise communicate that they are disengaged – behaviours that ensure that the focus stays on them. (Lindsey C Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, 2016)

    What you get to realise is that the eggshells appear when they are not centre of attention. When you have to ask for something, when you might want to disagree, when you try to put your needs first

    I learned not to bother. Any time I did was met with emotional outburst.

    Survival just meant growing asbestos feet, and wearing bomb proof clothing.

    Emotional shielding from the impending storm. Fear. Terror. Because you just know that a bomb had gone off, and one will go off again.  So dont dare upset them, just keep the peace, dont rock the boat, tip toe around them. Comply or hide.

    When emotional parents disintegrate, they take their children with them into their personal meltdown. Their children experience their despair, rage or hatred in all its intensity. Its no wonder everyone in the family feels like they are walking on eggshells. These parents emotional instability is the most predictable thing about them. (Gibson, 2016)

    And as the following indicates, it may not be in the workplace that some of you saw this in my parents. Though, I am pretty sure they didnt hide it very well. They left a trailblazer of shocking behaviour everywhere, and when challenged would not be able to see it as shocking. In which case it wouldn’t really matter if they were in a professional role in which character was important, like being a vicar for example, as long as in their job they could hide it…

    Their fluctuating moods and reactivity make them unreliable and intimidating. And while they may act helpless and usually see themselves as victims, family life always revolves around their moods. Although they often control themselves outside the family, where they can follow a structured role (not always I might add) within the crucible of intimate family relationships they display their full impulsivity, especially if intoxicated. It can be shocking to see ow no-holds-barred they get. (Gibson, 2016)

    However, my survival story is about me.

    As a result of this, I learned to put other people first, and my needs firmly second, or third. Though, that doesn’t stop emotionally immature people of accusing me of being selfish (when I might dare to put my needs first).  Learning how to navigate eggshells is about attuning to the needs of the other, attuning to the emotional cues of the most emotionally fragile in the room, responding to the needy. It’s codependancy. But thats what I had to do to survive, forgo myself. Because even though I should stand up to other people when they bully, the full force of victimhood, shame and loyalty would emerge if they were stood up to.

    Being overly attentive to other peoples feelings and emotions is no bad thing.

    Actually yes it is. That could end in empathy enmeshment.

    Being attentive is no bad thing, its about having empathy that seeks to understand, and compassion that enables that person to make their own decisions in the actions to alleviate their situation.

    Telling our story is about putting me as the main character of this, not the other person. From Eggshells to empathy, how I learned to be who I am, in the way I am from the start I was given.  It has taken me a very long time to actually put me first. Part of surviving trauma is to narrate the story of and see it for what it is and was, and becoming aware of how I survived and what resources I used to be able to. Developing rubber feet to walk on eggshells, when there was no sledgehammer to crush them smooth, a new layer would be put down.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 2) Why I broke my grandmothers clock.

    ‘Working with trauma is as much about remembering how we survived as it is about what is broken’ (Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score, 2014)

    I broke my grandmothers bedside clock.

    I didn’t kick it, throw it, sit on it, drop it or smash it with a hammer.

    At age 4 or 5, over the course of a few nights/mornings whilst staying in my grans front bedroom, I took it apart, prizing open the backing, and then discovering a world of cogs, levers and springs, I think it was a wind up one, but that part of my memory fails me, and that’s not a surprise, though I don’t remember that it had a battery, and it kept time. It was one that looked a bit like this: Safari travel alarm clock, 1960s

    Sort of circa 1960’s travel clock.  Gradually, and without tools I think, unless I found a small screw driver around (and that was likely given what my grandad hoarded and that my dad had tools in his van) I prized open the back of the mechanism and then began to watch at first, then piece by piece remove the springs, cogs and everything else that was inside. If you’ve ever seen the film HUGO…

    And yes of course I couldn’t put the clock back together again, and I probably also left springs and cogs out on the bedside table, with the intention of at least trying to fix it.

    I think I was smacked for breaking the clock. I was also smacked for not being able to say sorry for breaking the clock.

    But I wasn’t sorry for breaking the clock. I hadn’t broken it, well, I may have broken it, but I was trying to work out how it worked.

    At age 4, I was already in curiosity, perceptive, brain engaging mode.

    Repeatedly told off for acting spoiled and strong willed as a toddler, I used to hold my breath until I went blue, when my brain kicked into gear, I sought about trying to find out how things worked, and not only that, I realised by then that I had to stay alert.

    Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. (1 Peter 5)

    If part of recovering from trauma is telling the story of how I survived, then this part is about realising that I survived because of my brain. If, as was the case, that there was not going to be any emotional connection with my psychopathic parents, nature or support, which I clearly knew by this age, then my survival was going to rely on my own resources, my own brain to work things out, and to be alert.

    My curious mind grew. And so, even though I was then discipled for being ‘smart’ at later occasions (they do find the strong parts in you to reduce/minimalise, and the weak parts to humiliate often dont they?)  I set set out trying to discover how the world worked.

    Also, what I realise now, is that I was golden child. That part was obvious. So, laden in any discipline I received was a sense of shame that I brought to my parents, and the effect it had on them, their golden child, that they showed off (to my grandparents, and aunties) , was also the breaker of the clock.

    From then on I wasn’t allowed to touch anything electronic…

    ‘You might break it’

    Ironically, It took a lot of care and attention to detail to break that grandmothers clock, it wasn’t heavy hands or clumsiness, probably at least 4-5 hours of work some evenings and mornings while everyone else was sleeping.

    So, it was so unlikely that I would break something else, but from then on I wasn’t allowed to touch something.

    Not even the remote control on my other grandparents new VHS, just in case. Ironically I was the one that my parents actually had to ask to work out things, like our own VHS, Microwave (when I was allowed to touch it)..

    Dont touch you might break it.

    The problem is that you need to know how things work so that you can see them for what they are. Its no wonder that survivors of traumatic parenting go into care work, psychology or similar professions (and everyone in my family has), their skills have had to be honed, naturally by the emotionally abusive. They, like I, have spent hours trying to work out why and how things worked.

    That started for me when I broke my grandmothers clock.

    Part of surviving psychopathy, was, and is, about trying to find out how they operate, how they work, what is it that makes them do what they do, what the patterns are. Part of their game is to stop you from from working them out.

    How I survived my psychopathic parenting, involved attuning my practical and intellectual brain into gear, whilst my emotional brain shut itself down. I had already at this point realised that being emotional wasnt worth it, might as well work out how the world works instead.

    If you missed Part 1, it is here.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (part 1)

    Not many say this and live to tell the tale, though if you have been following along with my other posts, you will know that not all psychopaths are serial killers, some happen to be church leaders, with this being one of the top 10 professions where a psychopath might be.

    My psychopath was on the emotional variety, someone who showed instinctively no generosity, empathy or responsibility, easily upset others without any idea that they had done so, and then was as easily upset when challenged (see Darvo, for the pattern), or when not getting their way, when no one was talking to them, and consistently did shocking behaviour, that shocked. There was a high regard for rules, conformity and loyalty, and above all would say that they were being just like any parent by doing all this.

    I remember a friend say to me a few years back that the different between himself and a rock star, was that he was given lego to play with as a child. I sort of recognise this, a bit, the implication was that unless you had had a challenging background, that didn’t involve material items, you were more likely to express your anger for the material lack in poetic song writing and singing. I know its more complicated that that in terms of resources needed to make it (though you tube music has flattened the hierarchy somewhat since this comment to me in 2005) . Thats the thing about emotionally abusive parents.

    You often get Lego.  Sometimes the material is a good foil for the emotional lack. Challenge them, and they plea ungratefulness. This is one reason why, for so long I couldn’t put my finger on what it was about my upbringing. The material,  certainly the basic needs were mostly met, even in dire times of recessions.  But ‘home’ was neither good, nor safe.

    Its difficult to question the emotionally immature, because they’re defensive, and they accuse you of being ungrateful. Its how they operate. The gifts I received were different to my sister, though apparently ‘we were treated the same’ .. oh, and they are never gifts.

    But there’s nothing poetic about feeling alone and trapped, but then again, I realised the other day that I quite liked the pop songs that mention the feeling of being alone, Tiffany for one, and Voice of the Beehive (Perfect Place) was another, I still have that, on cassette. Rage against the alone ness wouldn’t have made good rock though.

    I’m reading ‘The Body Keeps the score’ (Kolk) at the moment, and realise that so many of my memories for childhood revolve around being embarrassed, humiliated, controlled and bullied by my psychopath parent. I realise to that the only place I felt safe, was a place that evoked her anger when she was jealous of it. Jealous that I might be meeting the needs of others, and not her.  Without a safe space I don’t know how I would have survived, though in reality anywhere where my parents weren’t, and who didn’t talk to them, was a safe place. Food was safe too, but it was also unhealthy comfort eating.

    I became the helper, people pleaser, though also, this was so that I didnt go home. Staying behind to chat to the leaders at church, out the chairs away, and not want to go home, stay out late after school, doing anything but, be home, and then ultimately shut off, and go into survival mode.

    The mode I must have been in since a very early age. Avoiding, coping, surviving, hiding, alone.

    Thats enough for now.. because theres alot to say about disassociation, about trauma and emotions and ill write that in the next piece on surviving a psychopath, and at what cost…

    Use the ‘next post’ link below to follow the story…

  • 10 Red Flags to Identify Emotionally Unhealthy Christians

    Trigger Warning: Emotional Abuse, Spiritual Abuse, CPTSD, Narcissm, Child abuse. This piece contains material that may cause a reaction. 

    Following Tanya Marlows quite brilliant piece on the statements that Christians have used in the wake of the RZMI revelations, in it she identifies a number of phrases that then get banded around, often excusing, minimising or disconnecting a persons character from their ministry, mostly after the revelations have been made public. That piece is here 

    But his books are still good, right? – 5 things Christians must stop saying about sexual abusers

    I want to add a few more, to that list

    Though, her list includes: 

    1. His books are still good
    2. ‘we are all human’ everyone makes mistakes
    3. Blaming pedestals. 
    4. God can use anyone – this is a great example..
    5. The Biblical excuse – equating Kind David as a mirroring example.   (Tanya Marlow)

    Do read in full. 

    I want to build on this, by suggesting that there will have been a few things said BEFORE the case was made public, that signify that there were signs that there was emotionally immature practices from along time ago.

    Before you think that these do not happen in the UK (and RZMI has been in the UK) , and RZMI is a one-off, then I’m afraid you are mistaken. Emotional immaturity covers a range of personality issues, such as narcissism, sociopathy and psychopathy. 

    1. The Loyalty Card. 

    This gets played when someone disagrees with them. Rather than converse or dialogue with the person in a healthy conversation, they often dismiss this, using phrases like “I dont agree with them, and we as an organisation shouldn’t entertain it’ or ‘ You’ll bring shame to the family if you carry on saying things like that’ or ‘we cant have those kind of opinions in our church’  – loyalty is the card, played because they dont want to argue, but more that they seek adherence and conformity. Emotionally immature people throw this. They are often only interested in their opinion, not listening to someone elses.  This one is very very common.  Loyalty is regarded very very high in emotionally immature people. Closely linked to this is the shame that they throw towards you, and you then get to feel guilt for saying such a thing. Loyalty is often accused by those who actually show no evidence of being it themselves. It’s projecting, or gaslighting too. 

    2. Invalidate Feelings.  

    ‘They’re just emotional, They’re just sensitive’ This gets played to dismiss that someone might even have emotions when they have been wronged, and make a complaint. Somehow its as if emotionless responses are the higher ideal. Maybe, its that culturally in churches we place a very low regard for any emotions. So, when people display them, they are often dismissed, devalued and ignored. Can also include ‘ they’re always angry’. The emotionally unhealthy can look people in the eye and still lie. Emotionless is somehow then believed and that culture then created by them. 

    3. The Jezebel.

    You know its about to happen. The attack. The use of the J word. Its on its way. ‘They’re just a Jezebel’  Once the emotions have been highlighted, now the complainant is given the highest calling of all, the name above all, the most magnificent insult known to nearly all women who dare to a)disobey, b)show disloyalty, or c) expose an abuser and the ministry they hold. 

    They are the Jezebel.

    The sounding attack of the emotionally immature christian leader. (or twitter troll- same thing)  

    Notice that men dont get the insults as easy. But Women await the Jezebel insult. Wear it with pride. It’s coming. ‘Jezebel’ is on its way. 

    4. The forgiveness card 

    Following a concerted, even pastoral attempt to soothe the situation, often by saying things like ‘ you’re just bitter, angry’ then forgiveness is requested by representatives of the abuser, said like ‘you just need to forgive them, dont hold it in your heart’ ‘God wouldn’t want you to see them in that way’  ‘let go and let God’ 

    Forgiveness, as I have learned, is not something the abuser has the right to suggest, neither is it for the institution who houses them to offer it. Especially when those whose voices have expressed concern have not been taken seriously. 

    5.  The ‘Giving away the bare minimum’ card. 

    That wasn’t a big deal, everyone does that. I didnt do anything. I didnt do that. 

    But they did do this. 

    One thing that you can be certain of is that an emotionally immature person admits to merely the tip of the iceberg.

    So, they belittle the one thing, giving it away – oh I did just do that, but it was nothing 

    like ‘I dont abuse people, but I maybe have said the odd thing’ – its as if they are happy to give away something and admit one thing, the tip of the iceberg. 

    It is often just that. The tip of an iceberg they hope you never see. 

    What ever they admit to, what they actually did do was 5000 times worse. 

    6. Spiritual Bypassing or weaponising. 

    This could be similar to the forgiveness card ‘ everyone else needs to…’ – But its when they say things like ‘lets just pray about this’ or ‘Im sure God will help us at this time’ or ‘we just need to pray more’  or ‘We just need to make Jesus central to this’ – Especially in cases of emotional abuse, this is said when the person wants to avoid actually dealing with something to do with themselves, and holding up a spiritual bypass card to avoid wrestling with or having their real emotional trauma or state revealed. 

    And weaponising scripture. Ill not add it here. But throw a few bible verses out context to make people doubt their opinions and feelings, and you’re there.  

    7. The Role card 

    Usually in the form of ‘As a christian ‘I cant do that ‘thing’  or ‘Im a minister, theres no way I would do that’ or ‘Ive been doing this ministry for 20 years I wouldn’t do that’ or ‘As the child of a ________, that really isn’t me’ 

    Often they’ll play on an identity or role to make it look as they couldn’t do something. In a way what this does is separate them into roles and identities. When accused, or when challenged, they slip into an identity within which they cannot see themselves as anything other than a Godly, Holy person. However, what they disassociate from is the behaviour and their own personhood that has committed it. 

    They also see you in a role. Often one of the 3 in the Drama triangle.Image result for the drama triangle

    8. The ‘self loathing and victim mindset’ card.  

    No one else truly understands me, im just a worthless worm, im like Elijah under the tree, Im just one of those people Satan attacks, im tormented, theres days when I wish the whale would swallow me. 

    This is closely followed by using these examples to exegete that their life has been one long drama, and that everyone needs to feel sorry for them.  Its a rubber guts humility. (They play victim in the triangle, using Biblical references as a guide) 

    They are actually bragging about the things that they are asking you to feel sorry for them. They brag about they are repenting for and proud of it. 

    9. The ‘just trying my best’ card

    Im just trying. Everything I do seems to fail. Im just trying to be a good vicar/person/husband/leader/pastor. Again said to request that someone else needs to see them as the helpless trier who keeps trying, and wants a second chance. 

    also seen as ‘I have a good heart…ive just made a lot of mistakes in my past’ 

    or can look like. 

    ‘Im a good guy, trying my best, why are you the only person I cant get along with’

    Problem is that they have had millions of second chances, and if you have offered second chances, chances are others have too. Chances are, they are unlikely to be good, honest, decent – though they keep saying they are trying to be.  ‘You’ll just have to trust me, ive changed, this time its different’  – do question how this is the case, and them reading the bible or praying more, doesn’t count. Therapy, though, might. 

    I wish it wasn’t the case, but, unless the emotionally immature see themselves and do something about it, they will nearly always be unable to do the good they see others do. At times their only reaction is to be jealous of it.  Until that point, they are only saying they are trying their best, and its just words.  

    10. Not taking any responsibility.  

    Never, not once. Its everyone else fault. Satans. Gods. The congregation. The previous church,  ‘Its the world is full of darkness’ …The previous partner, and add more… 

    They use your compassion on them, to give them a second chance, it’s how they can hide. 

    If you start to hear any of these, the red flags need to be raised.  Get vigilant, aware and begin talking to each other, They will play you all off. Their only hope to survive is to divide and rule. 

     Darvo is one of the key patterns to look out for, because the emotionally immature will seek to confuse their victims, complainants and the system itself by switching roles.  The victim triangle is one to look out for too, as the emotionally immature will nearly always only operate in one of these three roles, Victim, Rescuer (often Codependant) or Perpetrator. 

    Thank you Tanya, for your piece yesterday, Thank you to all the women and men who have had to raise their voices and concerns in cases and not been believed. Emotionally immature, unhealthy churches and organisations are all around, they are full of emotionally unhealthy people. Often the emotionally healthy are the ones whose voices get belittled or sidelined. Strange that, when they often know what’s going on. 

    Please do leave a comment, like this piece and also if you have other examples to add, please share. Thank you 

    Many of the resources from which I gathered these from are in the menu link above. 

  • I grew up with a psychopath in the home (and a christian one)

    I grew up with a psychopath

    One of my parents is a psychopath.

    I don’t say this lightly.

    My mother is a psychopath.

    There, I said it.

    I grew up with a psychopath

    A christian one.

    Just saying this out loud is pretty phenomenal, or is it?

    I mean didn’t you all do the facebook quiz ‘Discover if your mum is a psychopath and get a high score…? no, I thought not…

    Its a bit different from that Johnny Briggs TV show of my own childhood, ‘My mum, who’s a nurse… ‘

    When I started blogging nearly 10 years ago, I did not think that this would be the blog I would write.

    Probably because at that time I lived in blissful ignorance, actually, numbed trauma reaction, to the extent of my parents emotional coercion and abuse.

    Was it ever possible to see?  Yes, and everyone knew more than they realised. But it wasn’t possible for me to see it.

    So, it was no surprise to me this year when I realised that my mum is a psychopath. Actually it meant that all the pieces fit together.

    It was one thing to realise that I was subject to emotional abuse as a child. 

    It was another thing to categorise my parent as a narcissist 

     Another again to regard them both as emotionally immature. 

    It was a step further still to regard her as a psychopath. But honestly, its the only accurate conclusion. 

    It wasn’t a shock in anyway when it was pointed out to me by two separate people in the last year, one of whom knows her pretty well.

    I realised something else this year too.

    You know that thing where some kids defend their parents and are loyal to them, even when they raise the alarm about abuse, or when others attract their parents. Theres a natural defence and loyalty from children to parents at times, despite everything.

    This is not something I have ever consciously felt. It was only this year when I realised that I hadn’t ever stood up for them. So, something must have happened when I was a young child, and thanks to trauma therapy I’ve worked, and working through this.

    I have always known that my parents, mum especially, was weird. But an 11 year old isn’t going to come to this clinical realisation. A 31 year old didn’t either.

    And in the main, a number of you reading this, if this makes it to my home town, or places where they have lived, also know.

    You felt it, but couldn’t put your finger on it. You were bullied, then played as a victim. You were taken from, and never given to. Gifts were never without reason. Social moments where often of shock, and orientated around her. They played people off each other , all the time. Unable to see or understand why they aren’t liked.

    In his book ‘Surrounded by psychopaths’ Eriksen suggest that there are 20 behaviour traits that a psychopath is likely to display much of the time. (I know there is A PPI test too.)  She scores very high.

    These behavioural things include:

    Grandiosity, Jealousy, Shallow feelings/emotions, Egocentricity, Superficial charm, Role playing, pathological lying, cunning and manipulative, entitled, need for stimulation, early behaviour problems, parasitic lifestyle, lack of realistic long term goals, failure to accept any responsibility, juvenile delinquency, Callous.

    But it wasn’t a shock. It was more a dawning reality that helped me explain who I am. Helped me explain my life choices, and the divisions within my family, that kept everyone apart.

    So, im 42, 43 soon, and have lived 41 of those years trying to appease, exist and revolve my life a psychopath parent.  A parent, or parents in which none of these are true . Parents who exist only in the drama triangle, and perpetuate DARVO .

    Image result for drama triangle

     

    When I have shared this with a few people, they have said that they were sorry. Sorry for me, that this is what I have had to realise or face in my upbringing.

    As Lindsey Gibson writes too, Emotionally immature people (a term that encompasses psychopath, narcissist, sociopath) also disassociate. Dissociative personality disorder is evident in my parents. This has enabled one of them to commit shocking behaviours in their entire life, and not feel any remorse or guilt, or shame, and certainly not take any responsibility, amongst other things. But switching personalities, roles and identities was common.

    So, in piecing all the behaviour together, the trauma, the terror, the victim role playing, the dissociation. I had only one unenviable conclusion.

    My mother is a psychopath. She’s also Evangelical.

    My mother; The Christian Psychopath.

    I grew up with a psychopath in the home.

    Now I know it, its time to live with the awareness, heal from emotional trauma and be the person i am meant to be.

    (PS. Im aware that there will not ever be a diagnosis. Thats just the point, they wouldn’t actually go themselves, voluntarily, and even in any court case it would be difficult to prove. No one walks into their GP and says ‘ can I have a psychopath test please?’ and thats just the point. Admitting this would even mean acknowledging a self awareness, that is absent. )

    The resources that helped me identify all this are here