James Ballantyne

Category: Emotions

  • The myths about parents that prevent truth of emotional abuse from being believed

    One of the main reasons victims of abuse dont get believed is that the actions that perpetrators do is so shocking that no one could believe it actually happened.

    Ironically the same people who describe such things have to articulate something so awful and shocking, that it would be beyond their own mental capacity to make something up. They have no need to lie when the actions that occurred are scandalous enough.

    Another is the default positions that people hold about parents, especially in situations of parent -child abuse and emotional abuse.

    If you’ve been on the receiving end of emotional abuse in childhood, you’ll know how you feel when people say these things, the myths of what parents are supposed to be:

    • All Parents love their children
    • A Parent is the one person you can trust
    • A parent will always be there for you
    • You can tell your parents anything
    • Your parents will love you no matter what
    • You can always go back home
    • Your parents only want what’s best for you
    • Your parents know more than you do
    • Whatever your parents do, they’re doing it for your own good

    Some parents, mine included, even use these statements to describe something that they have absolutely no intention of actually acting out. Many of these myths are not true when you have emotionally immature parents, as Lindsay C Gibson (2016, p142) they never even see the light of day, they’re distant hoped for lands, where other children live in families, but not you.

    Some parents also have the word ‘Christian’ or ‘Faith’ to that list. As a christian, they wouldn’t do that..would they??  

    Yet, society trots these things out, as if good parenting is the default zeitgeist.

    It’s strange that when many tales of children, and fiction represent children abandoned, abused and tormented in their upbringing. Or where adults are pretty useless, like Harry Potter, Cinderella, and the many others.

    But when some of these statements above are held widely in society, then it can often become the first instinct not to believe the person who shares of the abuse from their parents.

    It’s not just as if their parent couldn’t do that, its that ‘no’ parent could.

    But they can. And they do.

    For many of us, those statements are just not true. In emotionally immature parents, these are those who are fit these criteria:

    EIP.jpg

    Then more than one can exist in a family. I have 2, and 1 is very strong at that.

    So, we must as a society, as youthworkers, social workers, counsellors, clergy and therapists, do our best, and do better, than believe the myth of parenting, rather than the actual experience and victim of parental abuse is trying to communicate. Because in many many cases, articulating emotional abuse is phenomenally difficult to do.

    One of the issues that Gibson writes about too is that as children, or adult children of emotionally immature parents, we may be unable to see our parents clearly, given that accepting that our parents are actually none of the above list (and more like the 4 types) that we care to imagine.

    Though, for others, like myself, I’ve know my parents have been weird, odd, since a very young age, and that may bring about different effects, and barely entertaining that they would be any of these things at all, because they barely acted in a way that it was true.

    My healing journey, and possibly yours too, is about beginning to see the past in a realistic and actual way, and not in a mythical hopeful sense, like the child who may hope for better or change. If you’re in your mid 40’s and hope your parents change now, then youre on a hiding to nothing. The only person who can change is yourself, especially as you heal and grow.  Its not only time to educate ourselves about the truth of our parents, but also others so that they see too.

    Parents are supposed to be these things, and in some cases, hopefully the majority, they are. If you have a good relationship with your parents, please dont assume that others do, or the myth of parents, because thats what they are, myths. Myths that stop truth from being believed.

    References

    Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay C Gibson, 2o16

    Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay C Gibson, 2019

     

     

     

  • DARVO; the pattern to get smart on

    One of the benefits of being a survivor of emotional domestic abuse is that you can see the patterns of behaviour

    One of the disadvantage of being a survivor of emotional domestic abuse is that you can see the patterns of behaviour, everywhere, and at times, like I was when watching Stranger things recently, I get triggered by them.

    Growing up I was perceptive. Smart was a word people used also. I had to be, it was a survival mechanism to stay afloat with the narcissist in the house.

    What I couldn’t do as a child was articulate emotional abuse. How could I? – who can – its difficult enough when the bruise is visible.

    What I have become aware of as I have recovered from, and then read further about emotional and psychological abuse is that it is possible to see patterns.

    My previous piece here -is about gaining knowledge to heal.
    In this post I describe how psychopathy is evident in churches, and how to raise awareness of this.

    As someone perceptive, observant, and probably under went hyper-vigilence, anxiety and fear as a child, with emotionally immature parents , add the perceptivity to the knowledge and then patterns start to appear.

    Not only do the perpetuators of emotionally abusive acts, act in similar ways, their response when they are confronted is also similar.

    Its a cycle, and one that I want to bring awareness of, for those who have to deal with safeguarding, and bringing people to account who display such personalities.

    The first step is Denial.

    Of course they aren’t going to accept what they did, often a denial is in the form of denial (and then a reason is given for why they actually did what they did do, even though they denied doing it) There could also be a distracting acceptance here, ‘Of course I didnt do this, I couldn’t do this.. but I may have done this…'(instead, or smaller crime) 

    By the way an emotionally immature person is famous for behaviours that are so wrong that no one would have thought to make up rules against it. Like preside over the insurrection, often stealing things, like democracy, but could be other items, or any crime.  (Lindsay Gibson, 2019)

    The second is Accuse

    This can often be at the same time as the next two stages, but, Accuse – can look like scapegoating someone else, blaming them. It can be the classic and well trodden accusation that ‘everyone is being sensitive’ or ‘we got very upset when we were accused of’ – or ‘we were hurt by all your anger’  or there is a personal attack on the whistleblower somewhere in there. ‘They are emotional/sensitive/jealous , trying to destroy my job/ministry’ 

    This leads to the third thing…

    Notice how in part 2, they switched from perpetrator to victim..then..

    Part 3 is Reverse Victim-Offender

    They literally swap. In front of your very eyes. Its the tears of the girl who cries wolf, when she beat up the younger sister whilst looking after the wolf. Its the person who claims to be the victim, after being accused of doing something that they cannot conceive was in any way offensive. But they will turn from bully to victim in the blink of an eye. 

    They often then seek support from those who only see this side of them. Them as perpetual victims. Some people only see themselves as this, therefore are almost delusional to the offence and coercive control that they are actually perpetuating. 

    If you want to discover more, it’s here… DARVO 

    What does DARVO stand for? - Quora

    Can you imagine what its like as a child, or adult for that matter, seeing this in front of you?  When you have seen with your own eyes that abusive people have acted inappropriately and then in the blink of an eye play victim. And play the kind of emotionally immature victim that seeks the child to console them, and be on their side. Imagine how a child might try and articulate all of this and what they might be expected to do.  Some parents appear as the victims of the times they bullied their own children. Yes. Ill say it again. Some parents assume the role of victim after they have bullied their own children. And then expect the other child to be on the parents side.

    So, before I digress too far.

    Patterns.

    After the abuse is when you see them. Though, not everyone believes you even when you can see them. Or if you’ve lived through it.  one of the things to look for when dealing with emotional abuse, gaslighting, narcissism, psychopathy, is that DARVO is often apparent.

    What to do about it, is to be aware of it, and discover ways of not letting the Darvo monsters play you off in their game. Thats when you become their flying monkeys and enmeshed by them. Start to feel sorry for someone emotionally immature/narcissistic and all of a sudden your life, and previous friends, and families are divided into ruins..and so is your church, or entire nation when previously (USA) or currently (UK) led by one.

    If you are in a position of responsibility in churches, and especially in safeguarding one, then DARVO is definitely something you need to read up on.

    Simple infographic about DARVO based on research by Dr. Jennifer J. Freyd. For a high-res PDF copy click here .

     

  • The dawning reality, that your life was a lie

    One of the things I have had to come to terms with is that my life as a child was a lie. It took a while and wasn’t the first thing I started to see in the last few years as ive healed and undergone self awareness and therapy.

    Thats the reality when I see what happened to me.

    Though, I was aware of the weirdness of my parents, but….

     

    It was a lie.

    What I was told was a lie.

    What I was told about other members of my family, was a lie.

    What I was told to believe about expectations

    What I wasn’t told about encouragment

    What I was told to do was hold on to belief that divided

    What I was told to do to show loyalty to someone emotionally abusive

    What I was told to be

    That truth told was a deluded reality

    What I was encouraged to do about emotions

    That life was about walking on eggshells and fear.

     

    Dont listen to other people, they are the problem, no. the person who said this was.

    Their toxicity needs getting rid of. No, Yours does.

    They are the problem – no, your jealousy is

    Theres too many gossips in this town – no theres too many people who have been hurt by you that you are trying to discredit

    Stand up for yourself – but you’ll be in trouble if you dare stand up against me

    They pick on me – No, you can’t see why others see you as unwelcome, shocking and abusive.

    Soothe me and my emotional meltdowns – dont have your own feelings

    Im trying my best to be a good parent – goodness doesn’t come naturally to the entitled.

     

     

    It was all a lie. A lie cloaked in delusions and entitlement

    A lie – cloaked in the truth orientated ‘world’ of evangelicalism. God is on our side.  

    God the unseen presence, fear that terrified and controlled.

    When your whole life was a lie.

    A lie because the lies I had to believe were from the person who was meant to be the nurturer, protector, care giver.

    A lie because that was the default. Nothing good, generous, positive, just a dominating wounded ego, bordering psychopathy.

    A lie because emotionally immaturity, psychopathic externalising framed my entire upbringing.

    For 40 years, my life was a lie.

    How do I know?

    Because those who were lied to started to tell stories. Those who had been divided by hatred and suspicion realised that they had been treated the same.  Reconciliation occurred with truth telling. Truth required risk.

    But everything before it… was manipulative emotionally abusive lying.

    At least I now know.

    At least, im grateful… that truth sets people free. It really does.

    Im grateful that I can see

    That life begins in truth, at 42.

    With love, and a family I never had.

    Now I can see.

  • Understanding our emotionally immature upbringing and our internal selves (Part 2)

    Understanding our emotionally immature upbringing and our internal selves (Part 2)

    In my last piece I shared a little about how, based on Lindsay Gibsons book, ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’ , I coped with this by becoming an internaliser as opposed to reacting to it as an externaliser would.

    In this second part I though I would summarise some of the behaviours that are characteristic of emotionally immature parents, and people, and, dare I say it, organisations and churches too, who are full of emotionally immature externalisers. In my next part ill look at strategies that Gibson recommends to dealing with Emotionally immature parenting. But first, here’s a snapshot of some of the common actions and behaviours that befit emotional immature parenting, if these things are common, then I would recommend both of Lindsey Gibsons books on this, and also a conversation with a therapist.

    This is a tough read, and so I include a trigger warning.

    These are what it feels like to have an emotionally immature parent (or more than one) Ive expanded a few of these.

    1. You feel lonely around them
    2. Interactions feel one sided and frustrating
    3. You feel coerced and trapped
    4. They come first, and you are secondary (at best)
    5. They won’t be emotionally intimate or vulnerable with you (unless to get you on their side- the trick of the psychopath)
    6. They communicate through emotional contagionthis is where you are expected to guess their needs, and guess accurately otherwise its like to result in phrases like ‘if you loved me you’d know what I need; – they expect you to be constantly attuned to them
    7. They dont respect your boundaries or individuality
    8. You do the emotional work in the relationshipYou’re the one who has to reconnect and reconcile, they often make things worse by projecting blame, accusing others and disowning responsibility, they will more that likely be adamant that it was what you did or didn’t do that cause the problem; ‘if only you had known better and done what they asked’
    9. You lose your Emotional autonomy and mental freedom – because EI parents see you as an extension of themselves, they disregard your thoughts and feeling, instead they claim the sole right to judge . They respond with shock if your feelings dont match theirs (given that you are ‘just’ an extension of them) Your feelings are either good or bad.
    10. They can be killjoys and even sadistic – this to other people and their children, they barely take pleasure in other peoples happiness, often taking shine off their childrens pride (so I hid my accomplishments) They often famous for deflating their childrens dreams (if they express them). Sadism goes beyond this and is where they take pleasure in inflicting pain, humiliation and restraint on a living being, they can enjoy making their child feel desperate.Image may contain: text that says "Signs of fEmotionally Immature Parents your emotions You feel lonely with them Your relationship one-sided Your parents dismiss or They in superficial way They blame you issues they caused They have reactions They avoid vulnerability They demand compliance They respect boundaries They expect to how they feel They They trigger They hold accountable for their feelings They make their problems seem more significant than yours They unable to hold space problems Your parents guilt do what want your feelings or shame you into gettingyou to www.nedratawwab.com"

    As a reaction to the above, the child of an or more than one (I have 2) emotionally immature parents is affected in the following ways:

    You feel responsible for their feelings

    you feel exhausted and apprehensive

    You feel you can’t say no

    You feel defeated when you try and solve their problems

    You feel accused of letting them down

    You have overly intense emotional reactions to them – they transfer their feelings to you

    According to Gibson, Emotionally Immature Parents reveal themselves in the following ways, in how they approach life

    1. They are fundamentally fearful and insecure
      because they act like they were never truly loved, they are terrified of losing status or ceasing to matter
    2. They need to dominate and control – the dominant parent try to control others, the passive emotionally immature parent go along with whatever the dominant one desires. They dominate by taking over your emotions, treating you in ways which induce fear, shame, guilt and self doubt, and from this point you are the problem, not them. They feel better once you’re the bad one, but only temporarily because nothing makes them feel secure for long. 
    3. They define themselves and others by roles. Roles are central to an emotionally immature parents security and self identity. They certainly expect others to to stay in clear cut roles. They categorise people into dominant or submissive, equal relationships make them uneasy. They take liberties with boundaries so they keep you in a position they feel comfortable with. 
    4. They are ego-centric, not self reflective. They put their own needs and desires first and are entitled to what they want and rarely look at themselves objectively, they seldom question their own motives and reactions. They would rarely wonder if they were causing any of their own hardships. Personal growth is not a concept they relate to, and are usually derisive of it (‘I’m not the one that needs counselling’) growth is unpredictable because they often do not respond well with change as it gives insecurity. they can leave people stunned by their inappropriate comments, and if confronted they say ‘I was only saying what I thought’ as if speaking out loud were normal behaviour. 
    5. They blame others and excuse themselves
    6. They are impulsive and don’t tolerate stress and are usually impatient of others, being often very unable to soothe themselves, requiring others to do this for them, and want problems to go away as quickly as possible, their attempts to avoid stress, make things even more stressful. 
    7. They use coping mechanisms that resist reality – they distort, deny or dismiss facts they dont like  – whether its the virus, climate change or something relating to a challenge of their fixed reality system. At the lowest level a person may lose touch with reality and turn psychotic. 
    8. Reality is determined by emotions – ie by how it feels to them and they do this to the extreme. They way it feels is the way it is. Everything and everybody should be what she thought they should be.
    9. They deny and dismiss the reality of other peoples feelings
    10. Their intense feelings oversimplify reality –they have intense all or nothing emotions , oversimplifying people and situations into categories of all good or all bad, they hold back feeling complicated emotions, so there is little balancing or tempering them. Emotional maturity requires a balancing, tempering and the acceptance of a simultaneous mixture of emotions
    11. They disregard reality time sequence . Emotionally immature parents (and others) live in the immediate emotional moment and can be oblivious to the chain of causation over time. For instance they may be blisteringly oblivious to how their recent behaviour has made them unwelcome, they cant see why things shouldn’t go back to normal when they are ready to interact again. They are famous for saying ‘that was then, this is now’. The future isn’t a real consideration, so they feel free to burn bridges, deceive and lie. In fact lying is a reasonable solution, they often dont realise that their lies will catch up with them, and dont care that lies promote suspicion. Oh and because of this its maddening to get someone who is emotionally immature to take responsibility for their actions. because to them after the event is ‘over, and you need to move on…like I have’ 
    12. Their thoughts about life are simplistic , literal and rigid. they might sound like they are being catchy and decisive, but if you examine the words closely, they are often trite that isnt anything new, which is different from a mature wise person who leaves you pondering the thoughts for a long time. (Boris speeches won’t last long in the memory, neither will Trump) Emotionally immature people get more single minded the greater the stress. 
    13. They become obsessive. They only see the good guys and the bad guys, and dwell obsessively on someone who has wronged or betrayed them
    14. They use superficial logic to shut down feelings. Emotionally immature people demand that you soothe their emotional needs, but often trivialise yours often using trivial logic. Pin on Well Said

    And finally, I want to share some of the tactics that Emotionally immature people, and parents use in their coercion and takeover tactics. The trick is to see it and not be overtaken by it, though as children this is virtually impossible. The common tactics they use are:

    1. Self doubt undermines your authority and self worth – EI people withdraw emotional connection when you express thoughts or feelings they dont like. ‘the quiet treatment’  
    2. Fear makes you easier to control – Emotionally immature people are geniuses at instilling fear and making you feel unsafe. All the time. Once you feel afraid you are more likely to do what they say and put them first. 
    3. You inhibit yourself – not only their feelings but you start to be afraid of your own feelings
    4. You often feel guilty – Guilt should be a brief corrective signal, n to a chronic condition, not to hate yourself. Emotionally immature parents, people and religions exploit the coercive potential of guilt. EI parents make their children feel guilt over not sacrificing enough, or survivor guilt when whoever they have a happier life than their parents. 
    5. Feelings of shame make you easy to dominate. Thats why EI parents remember all your embaraasng negative stories. Shame comes about when EI parents/peopls use phrases like ‘are you crazy?’, how dare you, you shouldn’t feel that way – children conclude from these reactions that there is something wrong with them.
    6. Shame for having needs, this is annihilating and confusing. Often we can equate the emotionally devoid childhood we had as our own fault, rather than the fear of shame which controls us to not realise we were treated badly. Emotional parents and people have so much buried shame themselves they cant help their children understand it.

    Theres so much more in these chapters in her second book, which I highly recommend. As I read it it raises so many questions of not only my parents and my own parenting, but also how the same people act in their workplaces, communities and also the signs of all of this behaviour on the world stage, in politics, churches and organisations.

    In my part 3 ill be sharing more from Lindsays second book, on what is required to resist all the emotional take overs and tactics.

    As you get to the end of this piece, I want to tell you that if can see these things in your parents, then none of it has been your fault, and that your time to be you, free is about to happen. The road is so hard, but for you, it is worth it. Because you are valuable. Now is your time. It is most definitely mine.

    Instead of just linking to an authors books, here is an excerpt from Lindsays blog, and where you can purchase her books, do follow and benefit from her considerable expertise on this most challenging of subjects:

    With the recent publication of my latest book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, I have answered a question that has intrigued me for years: why do so many psychotherapy clients seem so much more together and self-aware than their family members? In other words, why are the least problematic people the ones seeking treatment? Realizing that many of my clients’ family members were highly emotionally immature, I set out to explore and explain their destructive interactions in a way that could free people to live their own best lives without being worn out by these draining personalities. By understanding our loved ones’ emotional immaturity, we can regain our trust in ourselves and get free from the destructive and confusing effects of early programming from childhood. 

    I have quoted extensively from Lindsay Graham, please do purchase her books, as I have done and reflect further on emotional immaturity and how it has affected your life.

    Lindsay has also appeared on a number of podcasts, and took part in this interview 

     

     

  • Nurturing and loving my internalising self (Part 1)

    Of the 20 or so books I’ve read this year, the one that made the most impression on me from a healing and therapeutic perspective was ‘Adult children of Emotionally immature Parents’ by Lindsay Gibson (2015). (As an added note I’m slowly working my way through her follow up ‘Recovering from Emotionally Immature parents’ (2019))

    Her first book was the one in which I ticked, underlined, marked and wrote comments in nearly every page, for me its a good examination of Emotional immaturity, the types of emotionally immature parents and how children react and what children have to do to survive and do to respond to them. What I found most interesting is that children respond, broadly, to emotionally immature parents (there are 4 types she describes) in one of two ways, being an internaliser, and an externaliser. These both existing along a spectrum and changes occurring during stress, after therapy and self realisations.

    I realised, quite obviously that I am an internaliser. So, I would like to share with you some of the aspects of the internaliser, because in a way, if you’re an externaliser, you’re probably not going to be interested in reading this blog anyway. Self help, learning and reflection aren’t your bag, most of the time.

    If you are an internaliser like me, then you are like to :

    Worry, think that solutions start on the inside, be thoughtful and empathetic, think about what could happen, overestimate difficulties, try and figure out what’s going on (I was very perceptive as a child, some might call that over vigilance) , looking for their role in cause of a problem (‘what did I do?’), engage in self reflection and taking responsibility, figure out problems independently and deal with reality as it is and be willing to change. 

    I think before I act, as an internaliser, and also believe emotions can be managed, I feel guilty easily and I find the inner psychological world fascinating. (I nearly did a psychology degree aged 18, and recently completed a psychology module for my MA), and in relationships im likely to put other peoples needs first, consider changing myself to improve the situation, request dialogue to sort something out (ah ha.- thats why I like ‘conversation’ as a youth worker..) and want to help others understand why theres a problem. 

    If you want to know what an externaliser is like, then think about some of the opposites to the above. If you have any experience with someone who acts like an child but in adult form, then that is an externaliser. They deny reality and expect everyone else to sooth them, as they lash out, externalising emotions with little control or sense of consequences. Lindsey’s comment on these is that balance is a key, an extreme internaliser or externaliser is a dangerous thing, only that an extreme externaliser is also a danger to other people, all of the time.

    I would say that I was on the middle to extreme internaliser space on the scale. Taking on and feeling guilt, for everything (‘Sorry seems to be the easiest word’), and revolving my sense of self around other people. Realising my co-dependancy tendencies last year was part of this.  As Lindsay describes, children adopt one of two principle strategies for coping within such an emotionally immature situation, albeit, everyone in some way is along the spectrum as we can all be described as a mixture of internalisers and internalisers.

    But I now know and understand my internalised self. And that is a good thing. I also have a better understanding of its strengths and weaknesses and ill share some of these below. And, I can accept that this is the way I chose to survive, cope and respond in such an emotionally toxic family upbringing.

    Being an internaliser means that you are likely to, and I identify many of these:

    Being highly sensitive and perceptive; they notice everything

    They have strong emotions; they can be seen as ‘too emotional’ , ‘too sensitive’ – that’s because they hold all those emotions and they intensify as they do so

    Internalisers have a deep need for connection – they are extremely sensitive to the quality of emotional intimacy in relationships – they want to go deep… 

    Internalisers have strong instincts for Genuine engagement – ‘it is crucial that internalisers see their instinctive desire for emotional engagement as a positive thing’ (rather than interpret it as needy or desperate)

    Forging Emotional connections outside of the family – children who are internalisers  are usually adept at finding potential sources of emotional connection outside of the family. They notice when other people provide warmth, seek out relationships with safe people outside the family to gain an increased sense of security.  (I know where I felt ‘home’ as a child/teenager)  This can also include pets, friends and spirituality. (NB crossover piece on youth work relationships with children of emotionally immature parents..) 

    Internalisers are often apologetic about needing help  they often feel embarrassed or undeserving, and they are often surprised to have their feelings taken seriously. They often downplay their suffering, even wondering if ‘other people’ are more in need of therapy time than they are. 

    Internalisers become invisible and easy to neglect. Whereas explosive externalisers are easy to spot. Internalisers rely on inner resources and try and solve problems on their own. 

    Internalisers are overly independent

    Internalisers don’t see abuse for what it is – often minimising it as ‘no big deal’ 

    Internalisers do most of the work in relationships – sometimes doing the emotional work for parents, as emotionally immature parents avoid doing responsible emotional work themselves. 

    However.. they also… Overwork in the adult relationship, often playing both parts of the emotional work in a relationship, they attract needy people (everyone trusts them, being the ‘go-to’ person.) , they can believe that self-neglect can bring love (‘self sacrifice is the greatest ideal’ say parents to internalising children, and associate these with religion…in this way, writes Graham, ‘religious ideas that should be spiritually nourishing are instead used to keep idealistic children focussing on the care of others’

    As I read the section on ‘what its like being an internalising adult’ I realised so much about me, about how I reacted in my childhood, my behaviour and what I did to cope, find emotional depth, nurturing and support outside the family home, I see it now, and once I saw it it was freeing to realise. It was also freeing to see how I made decisions based on my past that were almost inevitable without the kind of deep emotional work that I could have undertaken. But as an internaliser I orientated around inner strengths and survival, not seeing abuse for what it so clearly was.

    I love my internal sense of self. I know its a good thing, and knowing about it means that I can fine tune it, and see it for its strengths and weaknesses. I know better how to love my internalising self, I think.

    In Part 2, ill share more about the strategies for keeping an internalising self healthy…and that is here

    References

    Graham, Lindsay, 2015, Adult Children on Emotionally Immature Parents

    Graham, Lindsay, 2019, Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents

     

     

     

     

  • Brave

    ‘Grow a backbone will you Bromley, and stop running away’

    These were the words that spoke to me, this time when I watched the quite astounding film PRIDE for the umpteenth time a few weeks ago.

    Brave.

    ‘You are being brave’.

    Never do this words mean so much more when you are growing the proverbial back bone.

    Standing up, not running away.

    ‘You have been so brave’

    Are exactly the words that are needed when the quiet ones tell their stories

    Seek justice not for others. But for them selves.

    Brave

    isnt running away.

    Survival is running away, and theres nothing wrong with that. How else do you cope as a child.

    ‘You have been so brave’

    Brave

    Courageous

    Not giving in to the fear

    Not allowing the fear, that the oppressor use to control you

    Brave is saying:  No, that is enough.

    Brave is having a voice

    Brave is giving others a voice

    Brave is not losing control when others are losing theirs.

    My 40 years of running. Running scared. Afraid.

    What might ‘she’ do?

    Domestic abuse isnt just couples.

    Emotional abuse isnt just couples.Inspirational And Motivational Quotes : 23 Great Inspiring Quotes and Words of Wisdom #inspiringquotes #wisdom #grea… | Wise quotes, Brave quotes, Positive quotes

    Brave is telling the truth

    Brave

    Brave is dealing with it

    Brave is saying I need help

    Brave is saying it cant go on like this

    Brave is challenging

    Brave is protecting others

    Brave is taking responsibility

    Brave changes the pattern

    Brave is ok

    Start being brave.

    Make that step, turn around , and walk.

    You are stronger than you realise, you’ve hid and survived so long.

    You can do this.

    ‘You have been so brave’

    To say no.

    To say yes…to yourself

    To listen to your own heart

    BraveYou will never regret being brave. #quotestoliveby #quote #InspirationalQuotes | Brave quotes, Inspirational quotes, Empowering quotes

     

  • When ‘Sorry’ seems to be the easiest word

    https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/CrappyIntervieweesApologizer.png

    Sorry, for being late

    Sorry for not being early

    Sorry for not asking

    Sorry for asking

    Sorry for not being good enough for you

    Sorry that I didnt did everything you expected me to

    Sorry that Im not smiling today

    Sorry for being too sensitive, when I dare stand up to you

    Sorry seemed to be the easiest word.

    Being Mary Cain. — Tianna Bee

    Its a sure sign of abuse, when sorry seemed to be the easiest word.

    Look at the list above, theres lots of opportunities to cause you to feel and be sorry.

    It became a word I had to use in some relationships Ive been in, saying sorry when actually I hadn’t actually done anything wrong, yet made to feel sorry for existing or breathing.

    And then I stopped saying it. I stopped saying sorry. It took a while. Clean air. Distance.

    I stopped saying sorry for myself. Because I started to believe that, after 40 years of it, that I was the ok one. I could think of myself better. I am not a walking apology waiting to happen.

    Apologising all the time. A sign of emotional abuse.

    If you heard me say sorry too much, im not sorry now. Thats the pain I was in.

    If you hear someone else say sorry often, they might be too.

    Sorry seems to be the easiest word, when we value others opinions of us, more than our true worth. When those voices of destruction and abuse weigh heavy, and their manipulation so pervasive.

    Hang on in there friend. See the signs. You are stronger, better, more worthy than you think.

    If someone around you is apologising alot, they need assurance, not judgement. That they are ok, and that things will be.

    I barely say sorry at all, and so if I do I mean it more, because of what I did, not for the value of myself.

    Sorry need not be the easiest word.

  • Why we’ve got to try and feel our feelings, not think our way out of them

    Its easier to say….’I know’

    I know that 

    Its easier to say … ‘I think’

    I think that

    Its easier to say …’I am…’

    I am annoyed

    Its easier to say ..’I cant..’

    I cant do this anymore

    Its harder to say ‘I feel..’

    As I I feel sad, I feel happy, I feel good… when ____ happens

    Not ‘you made me feel’ or ‘you should feel’ – having someone else to blame, or dictate our feelings, but ‘I feel’

    I feel fine covers a lot though doesn’t it…How Are You? Broken Sad Lonley Hurt Upset Alone Depressed Suicidal Angry Hateful Breaking Down Screaming Dead Empty Nothing Crying Shouting Giving Up Hiding Wearing a Mask Cutting Horrible Down Holl Worth

    It was recently said to me that in the conversations about men and emotions, that its not that men dont feel emotions, but that they lack the language to describe and articulate them. I look at my own life, and wonder when I could, or felt safe to, express how ‘I feel’ or ‘felt’ about anything. It strikes me as ironic, as during a time when I was helping young people explore emotional literacy in some mentoring work, that I numbed my own pain, that I had no handle on, or no experience of doing this myself. I know about emotional literacy, is vastly different to me being able to say ‘I feel’ .

    You quickly learn as a child not to worry about your own emotions, when there’s more emotional people in the family to care for, when you’re on tenterhooks all the time. You learn to ignore feelings. Thats what I did. Switch onto full on survival mode.

    Yet at the same time I thought I was self aware. I wasn’t.

    If Daniel Coleman is to be believed, its about being aware of our mood and our thoughts about that mood (emotional intelligence, p 47) He says when we say ‘this anger I am feeling’ is more freeing than trying to deny someone the right to feel angry. Growing up in a ‘shouldn’t feel’ emotions culture, let alone a coping with other persons over emotional state culture, denies the healthy growth of emotional awareness, of the self.

    Research has shown that those who accept and are aware of their emotions, are more likely to feel both good and negative ones, than people who distract, deny and suppress emotions. Coleman writes, the more we notice in terms of emotions, the richer we are emotionally.Emotional Intelligence For Dads And Kids - The Dad Train

    But what about not being able to express or articulate emotions. A case study in Colemans book talks about the man who literally had flat, colourless emotions, who ‘lacked the words’ for feelings, and whilst he goes on to state (in 1996) that further research is needed on this (it might be done by now) he and others were drawn to the significant amount of people who literally could not feel and why this was the case.

    I like this line, on the back of their preliminary findings then..

    if you could put words to what you were felt, it was yours

    and that, as they said was the problem to those who couldn’t feel or have no words for them, they couldn’t own their own feelings. Often, that just meant feeling other peoples.

    I feel….. well what doing I feel. What do you feel?  and, Men, I address you, to  ask that you take notice of, and allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to feel, and try and articulate the feeling, saying I feel angry, happy, blissful, calm, or feeling anxious, tired, hot, aroused…

    or any one of these… practice saying, feeling, acknowledging them..I will..

    Today I Feel... Poster - FREEBIE by The Vibrant VA Studies Shop and More

    Saying I feel isn’t weak.

    Its so hard work that it requires strength. Ignoring I feel is so so much worse.  I get if you cant. I get if you cant because its buried under hurts and trauma. I know. But admit that too, and prioritise talking, therapy and loving yourself to be fully you.

    ‘I think’ was always an easy get out for me. ‘I know’ was too. Hide emotions because not being in a safe place to express them, or to peel off the layers to experience them.

    To be more me, Im going to try and speak from my heart and say I feel.

    Its not too late to start. I owe it to myself, and everyone around me.

    This may help:

    How “Feeling Your Feelings” May Help Improve Your Relationship with Food — Michelle Vina Baltsas

  • For 40 years I was trying to keep the wrong rules

    Deep down what are the rules that shape the way you act, the way you feel, the way you think about yourself, the way you think about others? 

    Give yourself a minute or two

    Which of them might be the rules that you were ‘given’ through your childhood?  

    Maybe from a faith group?, from school? or somewhere else

    As someone brought up in an evangelical christian home, and church – the implicit rules from the faith were one thing, but only added to through my childhood experiences at home.

    What Ive discovered is that some of these rules need to be broken.

    What I have also realised is that people who like rules try and keep the rules, and can only say that you’re crazy or weird when you break them.

    What I realised that is breaking the rules is actually good.

    Some of the wrong rules are described by Melody Beattie in her brilliant book ‘Beyond Codependency’ (Theres a link on the resources page above)

    Not all of these apply to me, but, I recognised that so many of these had been mainstays in my own life. I had been trying to keep the wrong rules.

    • Don’t feel or talk about feelings (for me my feelings were secondary to soothing others)
    • Don’t think, figure things out, or make decisions – you probably don’t know what you want or what is best for you
    • Don’t identify, mention or solve problems – its not okay to have them
    • Don’t be who you are because thats not good enough
    • Don’t be selfish, put yourself first, say what want and need, say no, set boundaries, or take care of yourself – always take care of others and never hurt their feelings or make them angry
    • Don’t have fun, be silly, or enjoy life – it costs money, makes noise, or mess, and isnt necessary
    • Don’t trust yourself, your Higher power, the process of life or certain people – instead ut your faith in untrustworthy people; then act surprised when they let you down
    • Don’t be open, honest and direct – hint manipulate, get others to talk for you, guess what they want and need and expect them to do the same for you
    • Don’t get close to people, it isnt safe
    • Don’t disrupt the system by growing and changing  

    (Melody Beattie)

    Some of these rules are there to protect the system, the system of the organisation of the faith, they are often passed on from generation to generation. Following these rules keeps people locked in codependancy. Now, for me, im reading these rules and realising that many of these rules, not all of them, have guided my life for so long. If I realise what happened when or if I dared to express feelings or needs, or made any kind of choice or decision. As I said not all of them.

    What I didn’t ever know was that I was ok for me to be who I was, and good enough.

    What I didn’t ever have was the opportunity to know how to take care of myself

    To have fun (that wasn’t belittled or patronised)..

    And shame, guilt and disapproval keeps the rules in check. These rules govern silently. I was selfish for feeling, selfish for acting, selfish for making any kind of decision.

    But

    Its ok to change the rules. I realised that the rules I followed didn’t do me any good. The rules I followed, were just that, rules. They kept my decisions away from my heart. New life, new rules. Though its hard to not act like im still following the old rules, breaking free has been tough, and thats where my support group, my friends, books like the one I mention above have helped to realise the rules, and make new ones, and to decide what kind of rules I want to have in the rest of my life.

    As Melody said, and I underlined. The first rule is that it is ok to break the rules.

    The second is that that breaking might need to happen aggressively, change, assertive, to take back the power that you and I rightly have.

    Im learning to follow these rules:

    • Its okay to feel my feelings and talk about them when its safe and appropriate, and I want to
    • I can think, make good decisions, and figure things out
    • I can have, talk about and solve my problems
    • Its ok for me to be who I am
    • I can make mistakes, be imperfect, sometimes be weak, sometimes be not so great, or good, sometimes be better, and occasionally be great
    • Its ok to be selfish at times, put myself first sometimes. and say what I want and need
    • Its okay to give to others, but its ok to keep some for myself too
    • Its ok for me to take care of me. I can say no and set boundaries
    • Its okay to have fun, be silly sometimes, and enjoy life
    • I can make good decisions about who I can trust. I can trust myself. I can trust God even when it looks like I cant
    • I can be appropriately vulnerable
    • I can be direct and honest
    • Its okay for me to be close to some people
    • I can grow and change, even if that means rocking a bunch of boats
    • I can grow at my own pace
    • I can love and be loved. And I can love me, because I am lovable. And I am good enough.

    (These are also taken from Melody’s book – do add your own)

    And I say im learning because old habits die hard. One of the things I realised is that for so long, for most of my life I have been in endurance or survivor mode, bouncing off, every moment, drama and painful situation, just getting through. Mostly getting through the drama of everyone else, being the calm, strong one, the one that supports others, but didnt ever, for a long time, seek it myself. For me it is time to break rules, time to learn new rules, time to enjoy life in which new rules stem from my heart, my soul and from a place of health, safety, truth and power. Im learning to accept me, for who I am, not what I ought to be.

  • Men; do we need to talk about guilt and shame?

    It was part of my healing that some of my guilt turned to anger.

    When I realised that what I thought was my fault was a burden that wasn’t mine to carry

    As I discovered that someone else’s emotions are not my responsibility. Until then I took it on myself to clear up their emotional rubbish. Soothe. Tend.

    I grew up soothing the emotionally immature people in my life

    Reacting to them, as they didn’t own their emotions themselves. Manoeuvring around their world.

    Everyone else’s needs more important than mine.

    Feeling guilt for even thinking that I might have feelings, needs, emotions.

    Feeling their projected guilt that I hadn’t tended them enough.

    Not being angry enough to care about myself. Just guilt that I wasn’t meeting others needs enough.

    I had to care about myself to be angry enough to care about myself.

    Guilt in ministry encourages us to never say no, to work too hard

    To never feel like we’re doing enough

    Guilt inside caused me not to be my true self, what was my true self?

    Guilt keeps truth caged.

    My only feelings were that of others. What did I feel, deep down? It didn’t matter. So why bother.

    I am enough, I’m learning to know this

    I can feel, I’m learning to feel

    I do feel, and the toy box of my emotions now gets chance to play.

    I needn’t live in an existence where I felt guilty for not being enough. Unsure of my own emotions, unsafe of being true, so accepting the guilt.

    Healing meant that the guilt I had been conditioned to feel dissipated, and turned to anger.

    An anger that gave me permission to stand up for myself.

    To be truer to my true self.

     

    Melody Beattie writes this, in her best selling book, ‘Co-dependent no more’ :

    ‘The big reason for not repressing feelings is that emotional withdrawal causes us to lose positive feelings. We lose the ability to feel. Sometimes this may be a welcome relief if the pain is too great or too constant, but that is not a good plan for living. We may shut down our deep needs – our need for love and to be loved – when we shut down our emotions… we lose the motivating power of feelings’ (Beattie, 1992, 2nd ed)

    One of the characteristics of those who undergo therapy successfully, according to Carl Rogers, is that ‘They tend to move away from oughts’ The compelling feeling of ‘I ought to be this or that’  The client moves away from being what they out to be, no matter who has set that imperative’ (Carl Rogers, 1968)

    A friend of mine, Jenni Osborn has just recorded this on the subject of Shame in youth ministry, do have a listen

    I stopped feeling the weight of guilt, other peoples guilt projected on to me, and started to feel angry.  Angry because I now had something worth defending. Myself.