Category: Journey

There was a time in July/August of last year when I was going through a pretty significant mental spiralling, down down and down. I was plagued by the bleak thoughts of self criticism, self sabotage, blame and self loathing, all things I realise I have been carrying since childhood, and all things triggered by events involving those people that brought all these things back to the surface (stuff that will remain private) . I would go as far to say that it was one of my biggest spirals, as instead of feeling numb to the pain and ‘I will survive’ which was my previous default, now I was feeling the feelings, and the voices were pretty strong.

I was digging deep, every day, sometimes every hour, felt like a struggle to get through. I knew a number of things though, one was that whatever I was going through was an opportunity for it to be revealed and for me to heal from. The other was that I had to remember in the midst of it all the tools that I had learned so far.

But my mind was in overdrive. Serious overdrive.

It felt like everything I was doing was in some way connected to the trauma, and so I was finding it a swirl just to try and ‘sit with my feelings’ and I didnt feel safe or strong in myself to appeal to the inner voice of sheer panic and pain.

I have written before about how I have needed to switch off from things, such as the news or TV (I am yet to watch or listen to the news on a TV or Radio in about 5 years), but what I was finding was that I was becoming seriously self absorbed, in a frightened alll consuming, can’t stop thinking, worrying, being anxious kind of way.

It was around about this time that I started to write my book. It was a different kind of writing to what I had been doing before, and it wasn’t just the process of writing but also finding a lovely cafe at Waterstones Darlington meant that I was in a different environment, around non threatening strangers and friendly safe books, all going a tiny way to giving my mind a break.

But this in itself, though creative, and positive, also involved energy, and though I found I could write at times, it could also lead to frustration when I found I couldn’t write or my mind was struggling to ‘un-focus’.

And thats where Jet:Lag comes in.

For much of the last 5 years I have mostly watched You Tube for my ‘entertainment’ . I struggle to watch films, and there’s something about the unfiltered, human creativity on you tube, from its documentaries, and human interest stuff that I like. My first encounters with it were to listen to music when I was studying, and in 2017-2018 I found railway You tube and especially people like Geoff Marshall and ‘All the Stations’ was a particular personal relaxation therapy gift, back in the day.

In the midst of the swirl of last year I was finding that I was struggling to find and have to desire to watch or read anything that was thoughtful or even involved learning , my brain had had enough, and yet I didn’t feel I could give myself permission to do nothing, honestly writing this now, but if you have been through depression and anxiety you will know what its like, its like the voices of criticism and responsibility not allowing me to do anything.

I had just watched a few train based challenge videos on YT and it was now suggesting that I might like what looked like a fairly goofy channel called ‘Jet lag; the game‘ in which it looked like they did races and challenges across various countries.

I dont remember the order or exactly what happened, but after a few days of noticing this suggestion I clicked it.

And then on one Saturday in late September (I think) I did nothing but watch four or five of the seasons and challenges. Three geeks (and often a 4th geek joining in) doing silly challenges, in competition, including travel and having fun, hard earned and tiring fun, with a whole load of jeopardy and unscripted coincidences.

Nothing else. No cleaning, no social media-ing, no writing, just making myself some food, and sitting watching Jet Lag. Nothing that required losing emotional energy, and yet, something that in doing ‘nothing’ was also restoring it, personal introvert time- yet but without the necessity of trying to ‘work stuff out’ or ‘process things’ or ‘understand what’s going on’ just rest. A gap. A rest.

And it was the mental break and gap my mind needed, one of the many things, but for one day this was it.

I can’t quite work out what the ‘correct’ balance it, but there is one, when I felt in the mental state that I was in. It had to be safe – so no heightened drama that I could be invested in or be triggered by abuse – it had to captivate in a way that meant I could be invested in it (its a competition, but done in a v friendly and respectful way), it was also creative and funny too. At least, it was for me. I could get lost in it, without it overwhelming me, I could enjoy it and appreciate it, and it could give my mind something to be engrossed in that didnt require personal internal work or feeling responsible. Im not sure if I have described the balance right, but I know that other things I was trying to watch or do or think, were either too open (going for a walk and processing), watching sport theory (there’s only so many times I can be captivated by Arsenals pressing system, and my team Man Utd, are too triggering, too many sociopaths involved too much drama on top of more drama) and somethings I had relegated to ‘boring’ like food review shows, only so many times I could watch someone eat.

Some times it’s important to find the thing. Or maybe, that thing in that moment finds us. I did not realise quite how ok it was to just allow myself to be not thinking and trying to process stuff. I am in a different place now, 6 months on, and im happy to sit and journal and colour, but im not sure I could have done that then.

For one almost entire weekend, I did nothing but watch Jet lag; the game, and it was the gap my mind required to not think, but just to curl up on the couch and just be. When we’re in the middle of ‘the thing’ it can be difficult to know what the thing is that we need, for me it was something wholesome and fun, safe and non threatening, but captivating too. It was me saying to my mind, back off, i’m in charge and i’m going to just watch this today, it was a gap in the mind.

Sometimes attending to our mental needs requires a whole load of things, one is to be so aware of what we are consuming and the energy of this on us, but also being able to give ourselves the mental power to tell our overactive minds to back off and rest. It could be something very different for you, and there are times when it can be something very different for me too, it can be walks and photography, it can be travel and writing, but on that weekend 6 months ago, what I needed was 3 geeks doing challenges, travelling and competitions, and the pure captivating enjoyment of fun, it may seem like nothing, but it retrospect it was so part of my healing process from such a dark period of my life.

(it goes without saying that I am not suggesting that watching Jet lag in a time of anxiety or depression is the only thing you should do to alleviate this, I was also about to start therapy also)

Talking about my book, if you would like to support me, you can do so at this link here, where you can give a one off or support me monthly as I write a book for boys and feelings. Thank you