James Ballantyne

Category: Journey

  • The Power of Story: Healing through Harry Potter

    The Power of Story: Healing through Harry Potter

    ‘Why are you reading those, they’re just children books’

    I once said to my late friend Bex Lewis about 7 years ago, and then I sat with her and watched a scene of one of the films, one with dementors in, I think. Fast forward a few years and my daughter Anna proposed that we watch the films as part of what was a family tradition then, movie night. I think I fell asleep in some of them, maybe all.

    At the age of 43 I have just finished reading the Harry Potter books for the first time.

    It was as if I wasn’t ready to see what I needed to see in them.

    At the weekend I finished reading the last book of the Harry Potter series. Its taken me 18 months to read them all.

    On one hand Harry Potter has accompanied me through the time of the Pandemic, so far. It has also accompanied me as I have processed significant family abuse and also the death of my grandmother last year.

    I remember once reading that JK Rowling grew up as Harry grew and developed in her own writing of the novels, to me there is no doubt that Harry undergoes significant internal processing and healing throughout the books, in a way that I didn’t encounter in other mythical hero stories such as Lord of the Rings or Narnia.

    What I saw in Harry was a boy who struggled to express the truth in the face of his abusers – and yet when he was able to it was no relief, it was exhausting.

    What I saw in Harry was a co-dependent child who suffered physical and neglectful abuse – who was desperate to please, and had instincts to be the hero – a default that those who were evil could manipulate.

    What I saw in Harry was that not everyone experiences Trauma the same, I think the Boggarts in the wardrobe is a fascinating section.

    What I saw in Harry was someone who understood what it was like to grow up alone, and to have to grow up fast in that space.

    What I saw in Harry Potter was also stuff about friendship, power, structures, rules and community.

    So it isn’t ‘just’ a children book – but you all knew this already.

    Its a myth, a parable, a story, its a healing story that I believe could only be written by someone who had experience of abuse, from family, and relationships, someone who describes what narcissistic behaviour looks, and feels like

    The air felt cold and lifeless, as if it had everything sucked out of it

    I thought reading Harry Potter would be the relaxing read to partner with reading the self help books and undergoing trauma therapy. What it was actually was, was a story that revealed what I needed to heal from.

    Maybe its me and that I struggle to stop thinking – or maybe its that I identified with Harry from virtually the first page. It wasnt far into the second book when the extent of the emotional neglect I experienced as a child was beginning to be revealed to me. I could see myself as Harry in a way that I had never identified with the Hobbits, or Edward or Peter as they looked in the wardrobe.

    I wrote in a previous pieces about how I began to feel that the universe was calling and directing the process of healing in me, especially in being open to see them, some of those healing particles were discovered in the Harry Potter series.

    David Macadams writes that we adopt stores to live our lives by, setting ourselves into a narrative that causes us to have purpose and identity.

    Karen Armstrong writes that we are mythical beings and that the literary writers of the last 150 years have been those who have engaged our mythical nature in a way that the religious stories of our historic past have been reduced to moral making.

    I wouldn’t say that reading Harry Potter was a healing experience, by the time I finished the last one I was drained and exhausted. But what it did do was help me see. There is great power in story, as it weaves its magic wand to reveal its mysteries.

    I was reminded about how fearful some parts of the church were/are about Harry Potter. Its unlikely that the reasons for this were from a position of having not read it. For, its not the magic that evangelicals should fear, its that churches and structures are revealed in the story to be manipulated, controlling and abusive. Its the magic that overcomes, a deeper magic. Its a book about revealing the truth, about revealing abuse.

    But its also a book that reinforces the view that children are still alone. Adults fleeting offer a combination of support (Mrs Weasley) , fun (Hagrid), wisdom (Dumbledore, and in a lesser way McConagall), paternal substitute (Sirius) , but in the face of the many struggles to overcome, none are ultimately comepletely effective, responsible, true, or fair. Maybe that is the point, maybe that’s the reality, but it does cause me to question where children and young people might find, and see models and examples of responsible, protective, emotionally healthy adults in their lives. They see glimpses of it in Harry Potter, and clues are given away by those adults to offer glimpses, but in the main the three (and the other supporting children, Ginny, Henry, George, Luna, Seamus, Neville etc) are those who have to put the complete jigsaw together, and have the agency on them to overcome. Then again, if there was such a character, there would be no need for Harry, Ron and Hermione to have to do what they had to do.

    At times reading Harry Potter I felt extraordinarily emotional. I think I cried on a number of occasions, I was also triggered at times too. All of that is a good thing. Stories have the power to reveal, and to heal.

    What fiction has done for me during the process of healing has continued to open up my heart. Thats the power of the story. I might be able to intellectually understand the abuse I suffer from reading the books and the case studies. This is undoubtedly helpful. But Stories, like Harry Potter, and also Matilda have been as instrumental too.

    References:

    Karen Armstrong: A Short History of Myth, 2018

    David MaCadams, The Stories we live by, 1996

    The Harry Potter Series, JK Rowling, Bloomsbury Books.

  • Recovering and Healing (Part 5) Taking Power back

    Recovering and Healing (Part 5) Taking Power back

    It was a dark January Evening, I was staying at my friends house, and a month into starting a new job, I was about to attend in person training (its funny, ‘training’ was just ‘training’ in Jan 2019) , with Citizens UK, and their ‘branch, in Tyne and Wear.

    I’ll come back to that in a second.

    Powerlessness wasn’t something I thought I was. But what I had consciously and subconsciously adopted in most of my life was a combination of the following, as a youth worker

    • Siding and empathising with the oppressed
    • Thinking that being a youthworker was also a place of oppression

    A lecturer of mine once said to me that I had assumed the position of thinking that youthworkers were also oppressed.

    What I was doing was assuming myself into those places. Assuming the victim.

    What I was also doing was assuming powerlessness

    ‘I cant do that’

    ‘I cannot change that’

    ‘This will never happen’

    What I did, as a youthworker, and as a person was become wholly reactive. I didnt want to, or maybe more so, I feared a position of power.

    That was a position abusive people took.

    I didnt want to be like the powerful people who had abused me.

    Even though I had responsibility placed upon me. Rarely, if ever, did I seek to assert power within these spaces. It was a position to develop others, that ’empowerment’ thing.

    So I knew about power. Or so I thought. I even wrote about it in a few of my MA essays.

    Know about it, but don’t take any. Assume powerlessness. That was the right thing to do right? Thats what Jesus did..wasnt it?

    Back to the story above. I was about to see things differently. And at that time, in January 2019 I needed to.

    I needed to see power as something healthy. I needed to see that I could take power, I needed to begin to take more power in my own life.

    So much confusion around my life, at the time, and a journey on Sunderlands public bus/metro system in the rain to ponder my lifes choices ahead. And training that I didnt want to like. But it was something I needed.

    I needed to indwell having healthy power. Of feeling that I can make decisions.

    That I didnt need to give myself away. That I didnt need to react.

    It was unhealthy to see myself as powerless. That there was nothing I could do. That was part of the breaking down the summer before. Despondent confusion and feeling like there was no way out.

    In a way, the lesson I was receiving on Power was from an unlikely source. But then again. Un likely sources sometime showed me that the universe was in a conspiracy to wake me, teach me, push me, and hold me. I was soaking up and learning something new. My mind was being changed.

    That ‘mind’ that over thought and over worried, that ‘mind’ that had been on overdrive since it was 11.

    I was being educatied by community organisers, how to get my own power back. Giving myself permission to think of myself as having power.

    Yet, in some ways I had started. But this was another one of the many pushes in the same direction.

    This from ‘Inner Practitioner’ on Twitter summed up much of my relationship with power.

    Things start to happen when you start taking power.

    Those around me who were used to me acting in one way, were reacting, revealing themselves, to me acting differently.

    When I changed. I couldn’t be controlled the same

    Small steps of starting to take power.

    I started to fear less their reaction, even if it had been demonstrative before, and I had been scared.

    I begin to not let the control freak have control. I could choose.

    Learning about power, learning to take power. Learning to stop, wait, and pause – even in the midst of emotional abuse – were small, beginning examples of taking power.

    If you have a read of my Survivor story (link here) you will understand how my childhood revolved around staying small and assuming powerlessness. Fearing power was like fearing becoming like the person who dominated and abused me.

    Taking power, starting to assume having some, starting to think of myself in a healthier respectful way, was one of the many aspects of my healing and recovery journey. On yours where are some of the surprising lessons coming from that you are needing to hear?

    Maybe it really is a conspiracy when the universe starts interfering in all the ways, in working you towards wholeness. Maybe its that true power being awoken from within.

  • Recovering and Healing (Part 4) Healing the Toxic time

    Recovering and Healing (Part 4) Healing the Toxic time

    Time is something Abusers like to control

    It’s also something that exists in a weird dynamic for them.

    When you dont reply to them, or include them

    they say

    How dare you not reply to my message!

    Or, maybe less abruptly

    Did you get my message, I expected a reply by now

    Often they want a response.

    Part of my healing was realising I didnt have to respond.

    Part of my healing and recovery was slowing down a response

    Slowing down.

    Then realising, that the communication was more important than the response.

    They often want the dialogue to keep going, not just the answer.

    A quick answer, I had to learn, was one that was reactionary.

    A slow answer revealed actually what they wanted.

    They wanted to control time.

    They expected an immediate response

    If I say something… you will do this straight away.

    I expect you to jump when I ask

    Is it important to respond straight away? Really?

    What kind of response am I giving if I give it straight away?

    if you’re in the role of rescuer – do you need to rescue- shouldn’t that person rescue themselves?

    If you haven’t read it yet, this is what Voldemort uses to manipulate Harry in The Order of the Pheonix; Being the hero without stopping to work out what was going on, Harry could be manipulated with a strong sense of rescue.

    What if youre naturally empathetic, and let’s face it, most of us generally are, is that the best default to respond out of?

    When our abuser makes demands of our time… what tactics do they use to make us ‘jump’? – and what might we need to work on to reduce feeling fear, shame or guilt for not doing so.

    Some requests do not require an answer.

    because I didnt hear back from you, I did it myself

    Oh good, but now please dont make me feel guilty for it.

    Lindsay Gibson writes:

    Emotionally immature people Exaggerate everything. Every frustration is the end of the world. They are the boy who cried wolf ; you dont know whether to believe them or not. That is why it is so important not to accept their completely self-focussed view of their situation. It is up to you to clarify the reality of things

    Lindsay C Gibson, 2019

    In their mind, the only answer is that someone save or rescue them.

    When you start feeling compelled by duty or obligation, ask yourself who’s suggesting that and why

    Gibson, 2019

    Theres something else to do with Time that I had to learn with abusive people.

    They have a weird sense of it. Its a kind of selective toxic amnesia.

    They dont store or remember any of the abuse they doled out to you, yet, they do remember the few times that you were critical or questioning back.

    Its as if, with no empathy, every moment is lived in the strategic present to them, a present in which they just try and get what they want or need – without remembering or dealing with any of the reality as to why its not liked, possible, considerate, respectful, decent or dignified.

    Its the over realised entitlement, that knows that it can get, and can weasel its way out of keeping any of the rules that do or don’t exist to prevent or be abhorred by it. (its like doing a ‘Cummings’)

    Instead of analysing their mistakes, they think ‘that was then, this is now’. They are famous for moving on and ‘getting over it’ and other forms of not processing lessons from the past. They dont notice when they are repeating past mistakes, nor can they steer themselves to a better future. The future isnt a real consideration for them, so they feel free to deceive others, burn bridges or create enemies. They concoct something that gets them off the hook but don’t realise others will be suspicious due to their past lives

    Gibson, 2019

    There is no recollection of previous occurrences, no sense that time is a coherent continual ongoing concept – its just what they want now.

    So, learning and recovering from abusive situations, for me is about developing a different understanding of time.

    Its also about realising that an understanding of time in which there is an acceptance – not a denial- of reality.

    When we say no, or not yet, or no response to the emotionally abusive – it reveals them. Their desire to control, their entitlement, their feelings of power.

    Yet, healing and recovering meant realising that I am important. That I am only going to respond when it is respectful. That I dont need to. That I am worth more than being someone elses rescue mission. That I am not responsible.

    Time is power – for you

    Time is power – for them too – so be aware, and realise the emotional amnesia that goes on with the emotional immature.

    You are unlikely to be the crazy one, if you’re constantly bewildered by that weird time thing.

  • Recovering and Healing (Part 3) Discovering the real me

    Recovering and Healing (Part 3) Discovering the real me

    As well as the space to discover what was good for me, to see the situation pdf my marriage, and childhood, in a new light, and to get therapy to help me with tools, part of my recovery and healing involved me discovering who I am.

    Until then I had in the past done the odd personality test, but had done my best to invalidate it in my mind, filling in the answers I wanted to, dismissing the enneagram in college 12 years ago as ‘weird’ and not important compared to ‘real’ stuff in youth work..like theory.

    In the space of safety, part of my healing and recovery meant starting the process of who I am.

    Up until then ask me and I wouldn’t have known, ‘I dunno’, I think im ok, I think ill be ok, I think im good at a few things. I might have gone as far to say that I was a person of faith, but it all felt flimsy, loose, uncertain, unconvincing. So ill say that not knowing who I was, not knowing my real self and me, was part of how I ended up in situations. Drifting? Probably, taken advantage of? Yes..and not knowing who I was, meant I had nothing to protect or stand up for. You cant defend a castle if its made of water.

    18 months prior to actually accepting it, one of my friends had already mentioned me being an introvert when they saw me present my Thesis findings at this event but like everything else, I ignored, dismissed it, was almost scared of it. Scared of Discovering myself.

    That same friend reminded me of this, in the same month I started my first season of Therapy, and so, the second book I read after this one, was Quiet by Susan Cain.

    It was like a breath of fresh air on so many levels.

    Stopping to discover who I am. And know that it was ok.

    This isn’t a piece about introvert/extrovert thinking, it is instead about the process of discovering who I am as part of my healing.

    Who I am, not just how I am in relation to other people

    Who I am, not just what I do

    Who I am, in terms of the detail of my inner, real self.

    Who I am – and what I can start to defend.

    Putting off learning about myself was now out of the question. A breakdown was the opportunity to painfully discover the hidden treasure of myself. I couldn’t love myself if I didnt know myself.

    It began with accepting my introvert side, as I was lapping up self discovery like a drug.

    I say to any men reading this, or anyone, its not too late, its not too early to discover the real you. What you may have hidden for so long will make its way known in actions, behaviours and reactions. You are more valuable than you think, and the process and journey is so worth it. You may have already started this, and so my deepest encouragement to you as this continues in your life. The best person you can be for yourself and others, is the one that accepts, knows and understands itself.

    Discovering my introvert side was just the start, but Im glad it was a start.

    Starting to accept, not run from discovering who I am, realising how important it was…realising how important I am.

    The next chapter of my life, was about to me made with me knowing myself, for who I am.

  • Recovering and Healing (Part 2); The book that saved my life

    Recovering and Healing (Part 2); The book that saved my life

    Ask yourself the question; ‘What book saved your life’?

    If you are in anyway spiritual, then it might be likely that a sacred text, the Bible or the Ko’ran might be the book that went some way to saving your life.

    But aside from a sacred text – can you name a book that , honestly, saved your life?

    Not just a good book, an inspiring book, a book that you’d take on a desert island.. but a book that saved your life? That had that much impact on you, that it literally saved you. Some of the stuff Matt Haig writes has had a profound impact, as has the cartoons of Charlie Mackay – but could you name a book that saved your life?

    I could.

    It was the first book I read as I started to heal. It was this one

    to buy it a link is here

    From the very first page, this book spoke in a language that I hadn’t heard before.

    It told me about me.

    It told me about what I had tried to cope with all my life.

    It meant that I wasnt alone.

    Nina makes these assumptions about the reader, writing on page 3:

    You are an adult child who has one or more self-absorbed parents

    You can feel ineffective much of the time in interactions with your parents

    You have been given the responsibility for your parents psychological and emotional well being and, either now or in the future, are expected to assume responsibility for your parents physical well-being

    You never feel that you have accomplished enough for your parent; what you do never seems to be good enough

    You experience numerous difficult situations and interactions with your self absorbed parent

    You are searching for ways to minimalist how your parents distressing behaviours and attitudes affect you

    You want to intervene to protect those nearest to you, such as your children, from the negative and distressing comments, put downs, criticism and the like that your parent continues to make

    Nina Brown, 2015

    Now, im not saying that each and every one of these was applicable when I read this book over 2 years ago. Without giving anything away, some very significant things have happened to enable these things to have happened in the last year (which makes looking at this list now, quite remarkable)

    But… over 2 years ago, this book saved my life.

    It is undoubtedly, direct a book, with an amazing title, one I needed to hear.

    It showed me that there were reasons why I reacted in the way I did.

    I read it at a time to try and understand why I struggled with conflict. What I discovered was a whole lot more.

    It showed me that how ever hard I had tried, it didnt matter.

    It enabled me to see myself. It also helped me to assess how I had been treated.

    And that it wasnt my fault.

    The book has exercises (rate your parents self-absorbed nature), and gives different types of self absorption, as well as then describing the principle ways of responding (fight/flight/freeze) and offering alternatives.

    In way some of those details did and didnt matter.

    I think though the reason that this book saved me, what what it meant, for me. It meant that I wasnt alone.

    It meant that I could be healed

    It meant that I didnt have to carry a burden I had unnecessarily carried

    It meant that a journey of healing had began.

    Maybe the book that saved your life might be a different one. It’s likely to be. Maybe the first self-awareness book you read in the recovery from abuse might evoke the same feelings for you. Not only do I thank the book for what it did, but also thank the person who saw my situation and recognised the patterns and traits, and gave me the book to read.

    ‘Children of the ageing self absorbed’ by Nina Brown – The book that saved my life.

  • Recovering and Healing (Part 1) Discovering Appreciation

    Recovering and Healing (Part 1) Discovering Appreciation

    Its such a trivial thing, I said to my therapist (almost as I put on my jacket to leave at the end of the first session)

    But I’ve realised how much I like to feel appreciated

    Me, early 2019

    ‘Its not trivial at all though is it‘, he said to me.

    When you’re appreciated, you know where you stand with people

    My therapist

    When you’re appreciated you know where you stand with people.

    I was used to trying to find appreciation

    Trying to please

    Then told I was trying too hard

    Not knowing where I stood, so in a relationship always continuing to try to do the next thing.

    A slave to uncertainty.

    A slave.

    Emotionally immature people dont give their certainty away often.

    So, it means that there’s unsaid expectations to keep trying, to keep trying to revolve around them, to try and meet an unexpected thing that doesn’t ever seem possible.

    Because it isnt possible

    Because that’s what they want you to do.

    To exhaust yourself.

    Appreciation from the emotionally immature, the sociopath or psychopath is often a manipulation to get you to do the thing they want you to do, or give you a rope to hang yourself on.

    Its never ; ‘You’ve all done really well fighting the virus, despite the corruption, narcissism and sociopathic entitlement of us, the Tory Government’ – but a continual blame of others.

    What I didnt realise was how important this was, being appreciated. What I didnt realise, until I was in a safe place and my friend thanked me for cooking a meal.

    I couldn’t take the appreciation. I shrugged it off. I wasn’t used to it.

    I hadn’t ever had it.

    Say thank you to someone at Companies House - GOV.UK

    A project was messy throughout its duration, but dont expect a medal for finishing it

    ‘Oh, do you want brownie points, just for cleaning the bathroom’?

    What I didn’t realise was how important something was, that I didn’t think was that important.

    Because, well, I got by without it. It was the way I had expected.

    Nothing right, nothing perfect, nothing good enough,

    I had given it to others, praised the young person for what they did, tried to appreciate staff in workplaces, but I know now how hard that was for me. It was easier to be critical and reflective, the hardest thing was to appreciate the work others did. Deep down it was coming from an empty place.

    Yet I thought it was a trivial thing.

    That I gave away to my therapist a few years ago.

    Its not trivial.

    The thing that you are trying to hide from, run from, or the thing that made you feel good for that moment.

    When the tears fall.

    And you, important human being, start to realise – from the simplest ‘Thank you’ , from the simplest ‘Thanks for cooking this’ that something inside felt, cracked, and was safe to reveal itself as tears.

    This meant that I could stop. I didnt need to add more, cook more, try harder next time, make a three course meal…

    It meant I could stop and enjoy it.

    I could stop, certain.

    So

    Notice.

    A therapist helped validate, legitimate this.

    Notice what happens when you are treated well.

    how do you respond?

    From day 1, a few friends and then a therapist were the spaces I needed to feel safe, safe to feel, safe to reveal myself.

    Realising how important it is to be appreciated.

    Realising how uncertain, how abusive relationships are when this is absent.

    Realising this in structures, workplaces and ministries too.

    That was one of the first things I learned, felt in my healing and recover journey. It started from day 1 in a safe place, and continued as I reflected in Therapy a few months later. Join me in future articles as I share some of my healing and recover journey, the concepts that were key for me, the learning and reflecting I did. Some of these I shared in real time on my other blog, 2 years ago. (Please do follow and like to keep up to date with this series)

    ‘Being appreciated’ that was one of the first things I had to feel, to embrace, to hear, in the process of rebuilding.

    It’s important. And

    So are you.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (part 16) Putting my feelings in shutdown mode

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (part 16) Putting my feelings in shutdown mode

    Im not going to feel that now

    No, its not going to hurt me, I’m going to go rigid

    Switching off

    Numb

    I decided not to feel anything from a long time ago. It was the easiest thing at the time. It was more than that, it was a self protective thing, because of the arrows, lies, the verbal abuse and emotional reactions of the psychopath in my life.

    Did I train myself not to feel?

    Possibly

    I shut down all type of feelings or emotions My life is better that way
    or so I thought…

    I cant remember how or when I started to dissociate from my body. From my feelings. From listening to my heart.

    Probably from a time when it was unsafe to. Probably from a time when the needs it expressed as a toddler or child did not get responded to, or was scalded for.

    I didn’t know that it was known as ‘dissociation’ I just thought I was being clever, I was just doing what I needed to do to survive, I was just doing what I needed to to not be as hurt by the emotional abuse.

    What I do remember is the strength of my mind one time. On an early morning paper round late one winter/march time, I forgot my gloves, and I usually wore 2-3 pairs, it was the cold and wind chill on a bike… So, I remember thinking to myself that temperature was ‘all in the mind’ – and so, for the next 2 hours, cycling, folding and delivering newspapers I tried to focus my mind on things like warm fires, heat and sunshine, almost trying to block out to my mind the cold pain signals. To my surprise it virtually worked, until maybe the last 20 mins.

    Another time this occurred is that one piece of advice for cycling further is to listen to music, as it stops pain signals getting to the brain.

    The problem with both. Is that in the immediacy afterwards, I realised that my fingers were cold, in the hot shower afterwards… and also that my body after a 100 mile cycle could only endure so much blocking of the pain…

    Interesting.

    My body could only withstand so much of the blocking of the pain, when it was about the cold, or exercise..

    At the same time as blocking the cold on a paper round, I had been blocking the emotional reactions of the parent. I have done ever since. Just because im 43 and not 13 doesn’t mean to say that dissociation doesn’t occur even now, but it did last time 2 years ago.

    My mind took over, and knew it had a heart to protect, and my body went into a kind of dissociated paralysis in her presence. No you don’t get me to hug you back. You don’t get the me you damaged.

    What I also know I did was shut down my inner world, a world I am now discovering, but that’s for another piece.

    Dissociation is when you psychologically separate yourself from yourself. It can make you freeze up or shrivel inside, or even make you feel like you’re detached from your body

    Lindsay C Gibson, 2019 Recovering from Emotionally immature Parents

    Gibson goes on to say that dissociation is a ‘natural defence’ and can be any form of distancing from your conscious experience of yourself , being a primitive type of emotional escape and common defence against threat or danger, especially for children in an unsafe environment.

    There are costs to this reaction. But at the time its like coping with no gloves on a freezing cold day, its numbing the possibility of pain, and the pain itself.

    Its the proverbial deer in the headlights. The freeze.

    But in the moment it causes passivity. (The deer isn’t thinking much either)

    Recovering from this is to reclaim the action and power in the space- not to freeze, to ‘hang in there’ – and this is something I am working through. But for now, this is about recognising that surviving psychopathic parenting was a feat of natural strength, a natural shut off.

    Because

    When children discover how self-disconnect takes away pain, they use it for increasingly minor threats. After a while they can become strangers to their own inner experience, instead of just cutting themselves off from fear or hurt, all emotion gets so dulled that life itself feels a little unreal.

    Gibson, 2019, pp79.

    Yes.

    This.

    Living in my head, pretending, keeping the emotions at bay.

    In survival mode because of dissociation.

    Most, if not all of my childhood, and a lot of my adulthood to date so far.

    Discovering only recently through therapy what I feel – because I just dont or didnt know.

    Shut that bit off like headphones on a bike ride.

    Did everything to suppress the emotion.

    The body keeps the score though.

    Childhood Emotional Neglect: How It Can Impact You Now and Later

    Feeling shame, go numb

    Protect myself , freeze.

    Survival meant putting up the shield. One that doesn’t stop arrows, but tried to stop them going deep.

    Thank you for reading, links are above or to the right of the resources, the previous parts to my story, and also how you can support me, via the KO-FI site. Thank you

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 15): Learning to walk small.

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 15): Learning to walk small.

    The only way to survive navigating walking on eggshells with an abusive parent, or partner, is to make yourself as small as possible.

    In that way less of you can get cut on the sharp shells.

    Theres sometimes at least a few places to be able to walk safely.

    Sometimes.

    Scrapes and Cuts

    When they bark instructions on the phone, at least its not to you

    When other people are around the house, if they’re mistreating them, with often toxic food and emotionally awful conversation, in that space you are safe, even if their false charm is that…false. They daren’t look like they’re a bad person.

    ‘Look at James, here’s my boy… ‘

    Cringe time. But at least it was safe.

    Surviving as a child, and a victim, meant working out when the safe places were, and being small the rest of the time.

    Small.

    ‘The Ballantyne men, are all so quiet’ She would say.

    ‘Its as if no one wants to talk’ she would say

    Staying small.

    Behaving, most of the time.

    Being the internaliser who didnt express needs – for the fear of being accused of being selfish

    But small, in that not being able to be me.

    Small in trying to be the person who was seeking anything, affirmation, validity, a voice.

    Small in that it was a place not to speak.

    Small in that it was a place to hide

    Small in that it was a place to only try and stay within what was safe

    Small in that it was a place to keep trying to get affirmation and recognition, by trying to please, trying to do the thing I thought they wanted.

    Small and survive was not to deliberately touch the eggshells, or ride the sore feet.

    Small meant inhibiting myself, because who can grow in a concentration camp? A literal concentration camp when you have to be on vigilance guard all the time.

    A concentration camp when the trapped had to soothe and pacify the enactors of punishment.

    Small, hiding away.

    Dont make a noise, dont be disruptive, dont make a mess…

    And yet, they make themselves feel like they’re just normal, so to justify it ‘ we’re just like other parents’ ‘its what parents do’

    Surviving meant staying small. Inhibiting. Hiding. Pretending.

    Small in so many ways.

    Giving space away. People pleasing. Codependant. All things I became and am reflecting through.

    Staying small, meant not being heard, taken seriously or be healthily supported nurtured.

    Its hard to walk when your feet are small, and ravished by eggshell cuts.

    Walking small meant having to think ahead, constant. Fear.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 14): Hiding the Treasure

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 14): Hiding the Treasure

    It wasn’t just the anger switch that I had turn off as a child.

    It was the happy joy one too.

    Its my job to bring you down to earth

    That Parent

    It was easier to hide that go through having to hear things like the following

    I need some of your joy, give me some of your joy

    So I didn’t bother.

    I didnt want the photo shoot when I won trophies at school. One because I couldn’t find the photographer, the other because it wouldn’t have been celebrated appropriately. Though the trophies did stay on the mantle piece for a bit too long.

    Fast forward to a graduation 11 years later and their presence caused me to only be on vigilance trauma mode, rather than celebrate. But they had to be there, it was their right. Apparently.

    They didnt know how to affirm or celebrate what I did well, or were envious of the good time I might have had without them. Envy when I did well, Envy when things were going well. Their claim on my success was the trophy child.

    But we knew it. One parent had to have the last word on the other parents birthday. Even making sure at his birthday party, they sang to her too.

    Surviving meant switching off the positives, as well as the negatives.

    Dont raise your hopes up James, even if you think she might be pleased for you, if you are happy, it’ll be tainted with something referring to her ego.

    Some emotionally immature parents actually envy their Childs success and social attention. Instead of being happy for their child, envious parents are ore likely to discount and minimalist their Childs abilities and achievements. These parents lack the maturity to vicariously enjoy other persons good fortune. In their competitive approach to life, a successful offspring threatens their spotlight

    Gibson, Lindsey C, 2019 Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents

    It was easy after a while though. From about aged 14 I only fed them the essentials. What they needed to know.

    Surviving meant finding other people to celebrate with or not bothering.

    Hiding.

    It meant closing up the feelings. Protecting myself from the inevitable dead end type comments, the cut de sacs of emotional eggshells.

    When I knew that it would only be met with a self referential comment, or belittling, or comparing (to herself) , or something that seemed very false (praise), then they didn’t get the good news either.

    What she wanted to take from anything, everything I did.

    Over emotional if I did something wrong, Belittling or killjoy if something went well, or would want to take from it for herself.

    Maybe I did the text book thing, given that:

    Under these conditions, children of envious or jealous parents might learn its better to hide their talents or stay out of the spotlight so as not to tempt a put down from a competitive parent. Due to their parents envy and jealousy, success can be an ambivalent issue for these adult children

    Gibson, 2019, pp52

    Surviving Psychopathic parenting meant shutting down the good stuff too, knowing that it would be taken and used to meet her needs, or reveal her needs. Then I would feel guilty for being successful, or respond to that neediness.

    I wouldn’t say they were overly competitive, or maybe I didnt see it, but parasitic yes.

    Ultimately they only saw themselves, so it was easier to try not to be seen.

    But on other occasions it was just that knowing that having a smile on my face after being somewhere, or with someone, or doing something I enjoyed was about to be shot down. So there was no conversation.

    And equally, if she found out, they’d be trouble too. Or ‘He never tells us anything’ – as if theres no awareness of why they wouldn’t have been told.

    It meant learning to hide. Hide the treasure of the good parts of my life.

    Protect myself, and protect the memories, and protect those good bits.

    Thank you for reading, do like and share with others who you think might find this blog or the website helpful, parts 1-13 of my story are in the menu above.

  • 6 months of Healing for Men; Thank you

    6 months of Healing for Men; Thank you

    I thought I would write a short piece to thank the many of you for encouraging me as I have written my story in the last few months. I was hesitant even to start this blog 6 months ago, and I cant believe im nearly at 50 posts on it, what I am even more amazed by is that I have been able to share more personally of my own story. This blog has certainly felt more like ‘Healing for Me’ than ‘Healing for Men’.

    And. The story I have told about me, isnt just for Men.

    In 6 months of starting this blog. I have had over 4000 views of it, but more importantly a significant number of people have contacted me, or contacted people who have shared these blogs to say that they have helped them realise and reframe what they were going through. For this, I am so so encouraged, and grateful.

    A number of themes have emerged in the process of this blog starting, I have undergone a bout of trauma therapy, and began to develop an inner awareness of my inner child, I have read books on trauma and I have begun Yoga. This month I have got through 4 significant dates in my year that cause me to reflect on the no contact relationship I have with my parents.

    Theres healing in writing. I wonder if thats something you have done too.

    Maybe also, Its not up to me to try and work out what ‘healing for men’ looks like, or try and suggest what that might be. Its not up to me to fix or rescue. Ultimately Im writing because these are reflections and observations I am discovering, mostly discovering about myself, my past, the cultures, I grew up in, the person I became during it. Some of these things will resonate with you, some may not, and thats ok.

    So its a quick thank you from me, for being part of this journey so far, for encouraging me in the writing, for listening to my story, for sharing with others. Healing is going to take all kinds of pathways and all kinds of speeds and processes, life is too short for us not to be our true selves, healed and whole.

    14 Beautiful Quotes about Healing - Be My Travel Muse