James Ballantyne

Category: Journey

  • Growth Conditions (on the inside)

    Growth Conditions (on the inside)

    One of the concepts I really like that I have used in some of my community work practices, is that of ABC, and it’s taken from Deci and Ryan’s stuff on self -determined growth. I first found it in Jocelyn Bryans book ‘Human Being’ :Insights from Psychology on the Christian Faith.

    A link to Deci and Ryans stuff is here. Basically how I have tended to share this has been about how young people, more pertinently, how three key factors are required to enable us to be able to ‘grow’

    They are A – Autonomy – the capacity to make decisions about the things that are important to us

    B- Belonging – it’s all about relationship…. but felt safety, felt sense of ‘home’ , being valued, being seen…

    C – Competence – Having the opportunity to do things, take risks, have positive feedback, ‘go beyond’

    Thats it in brief. So, when I share this stuff i normally do so on the basis of the ‘external’ places where these things happen…. or dont… and so when young people (or anyone) feels that they dont have these things, or maybe only 1 – then its unlikely that they will be able to flourish/grow in balance.

    A place where there is felt safety – but no challenge o autonomy might get boring or belittling…

    A place where there is challenge- but no relationship or autonomy might be task heavy, uncaring and disempowered…

    How might all be present, to the extent that a person requires in in a setting, and then, what’s required in a place like a workplace to keep someone in a role, when these things aren’t there. Higher pay? Better conditions? enforced compliance?

    Not every situation is going have ‘all three’ in balance, and maybe thats an impossibility given our individuality, however, in situations where 1, 2 or 3 of these is seriously lacking… and maybe there’s a thing too that some places offer one of these, because of the damage of somewhere else, and people embody these as much as places create them too.

    Yet, I was pondering all this over the last few weeks, given that I used this ‘model’ in a conference recently.

    And I was wondering, how might this all be applied on the inside.

    What if instead, the ‘place’ of growth wasnt the external place of the school, youth group, workplace etc… what might it be if the place was the ‘community’ on the inside?

    The heart, soul and mind in community – linked with thoughts, memory and experience?

    So often I have realised that what I tried to create for others…..I needed myself….

    On the inside….

    What might felt belonging and safety feel like – inside? – a place on where emotions are free to come out and play…. all of them , a place where inside there is a sense of calm, and not urgency, fear or danger…. a place where the talk inside is caring, soft and loving? A place inside of connection and harmony. The inside can rarely feel safe, more a barren landscape that can be thought of in fear…..

    True belonging……. on the inside…..

    Autonomy – on the inside… the ability to make decisions about thoughts and emotions, distinct from the thoughts and emotions, having a sense of control rather than bewilderment, overwhelm and where there’s is choice. Choice to act in a way that is conscious. Inner choices to make assessments of emotions, and thoughts.

    And what about Competence. Inner competence. To feel internally proud of achieving and making hard changes, in behaviour, whether this is addiction, dependence, whether this about self protection, or whether this is the day by day, step by step of seeing, feeling and becoming more awake. Brave steps to face stuff on the inside and work through them, rising to that challenge, often reluctantly or belligerently. Often starting with the externals, the relationship, then working on the internals, the default protective patterns, that are self prisoning. Competence on the inside as a process of ongoing healing from trauma and growth amidst it…and beyond.

    All of these are required for growth. All of these are required in the process of inner deep healing.

    I was reminded also of these yesterday as I watched Brene Browns TED talk again of 15 or so years ago, and the path of vulnerability.

    Im just pondering really, giving these some thought space… what might be required psychologically on the inside for healthy post traumatic growth?

    Maybe these are markers that inner growth is happening?

    And yes its ‘only a theory’ but just pondering….

  • Paradox of growth.

    ‘It is the paradox of spiritual growth that through such bleak winter journeys we eventually come through a hidden door into a bright field of springtime that we could never have discovered otherwise’ (John O Donohue, Divine Beauty)

    This feels better, healthier than

    ‘All things are for a reason’  cliche.

    Even if both are virtually the same.

    Paradox.

    The paradox that facing darkness and finding strength and power through darkness…..leads to light being shone.

    Lightness appears in the dark journeys in so many ways

    When you discover the pattern of their behaviour

    When you discover the pattern of your own

    When the weight of fault or shame or responsibility falls..

    When people show up to your vulnerability

    When safety is felt….a feeling that had long been disregarded or survived despite it’s lacking

    When small shoots of personal hope, courage and strength appear…like the tiny white dots of the snowdrops in January

    Yet..the paradox is that for so long the possibility of this growth is delayed, resisted, fought against….because it feels too hard, too difficult, to time consuming to face it.

    Better to leave alone

    Too busy to face it

    To difficult

    Let it be…

    In those occasions the darkness retains it’s power, the darkness has its hold, awakened free growth stays silent behind the door,

    Talk of growth is fascinating, and what kind of growth is possible when the daily task is survival, suppression, soothing, avoidance, denial or rejection of the very thing that were consuming so much energy on, just to stay alive….alive behind so much hurt and pain that often written in our skin and eyes.

    Yet that growth that promise, that light is veiled. Hidden in mystery.

    Growth is feared, darkness clung to.

    The wrestle of continuing in between, shining light in the tension of the now, light shining in darkness, costly, draining, hard, and well done you for keeping your candle lit.

    Yet, we can want to protect the very darkness that’s hurting us, and preventing us from the lightness of growth that’s inviting us, because that’s the place of safety and security, a life we’ve been used to, in cycles of addiction, soothing and self blame, and feeling happy in designated smallness because that’s been ‘our place’.

    Yet the door waits.

    It can only block out the light for so long

    It can only let you stay restless in the darkness for so long

    It invites, it calls

    The paradox.

  • The Longest Journey to make the Shortest Distance

    Ive been on what I call ‘Project James’ for over 6 years now, and in that time to heal from 40 years of manipulative abuse since childhood, including recovering from unemployment and homelessness.

    Internally, breaking down behind the ‘I’m doing ok’ facade, pretend strength but hollow and hurting inside, that had been my survival strategy since childhood, one that I thought was normal, a lifetime of running, avoiding or soothing, in a variety of destructive ways, oh and hoping that Jesus would deal with it, fix it and that ‘church’ would be my saviour.

    And thats just a summary.

    In summary, then, the last six years has included

    • 4 different bouts of therapy, including trauma therapy
    • Pages of journalling, raging and writing
    • Reading an extensive amount of self help books that encompassed:
      • Undertstanding narcissim, psychopathy and emotionally immature parents
      • Codependency
      • Self Understanding on Enneagram
      • Self compassion
      • Inner child work
      • Trauma – including Edith Eger, Victor Frankl, The Body keeps the score etc… 
      • Spirituality, including Eckhart Tolle, John O Donohue and others. 
      • Personal freedom, such as The four/five agreements, and The Untethered Soul
    • Walking and taking on a number of ‘slow’ hobbies
    • Writing, including my blog here

    It’s been a lot. A lot to try and understand myself, alot to be able to become more and more safe for me on the inside to be able to feel emotions, to be able to regulate and to face the pains and damage from my abusers, and also how I internalised and survived it all, and at the same time, work, earn, live and exist. 

    Yet, when I think about it, it’s been a long journey, to make a small distance considerably more healthy and whole. 

    It has been a long journey, in thinking, feeling and experiencing.

    To build connections where there once was fracture.

    To heal the holes, brokenness and wounded-ness between my head, my heart, and my soul. 

    The distance from I to myself. 

    An extensive work to heal a small amount of space.

    A journey I was putting off taking for far too long

    A journey I invalidated and avoided

    My thoughts that I believed, told me that I was too broken, too beaten, too frightened, to guilty, to shameful, too small, too weak, to make, and the journey

    Too big, too exposing, too tiring, too massive, too encompassing, too hard, too challenging and was also too invalidated by those around me, or my own beliefs 
    ( I needed more of Jesus, and not anything of myself….) 

    And a journey that didnt promise any outcome. 

    Didnt shout its reward. 

    Didnt have a map, or compass

    Or sometimes any directions

    It just needed to start. 

    And it started from being broken, started from the place of nothing.

    ‘For when she had nothing to lose, then she was free’ (Paulo Coelho) 

    It started as I changed, slowly, trusting in a moment of vulnerability, 

    ‘I have no home, will you look after me’ 

    When for so long I couldnt articulate weakness, vulnerability or be anything other than ‘the strong one for others’ … 

    The longest journey of the smallest distance started with being broken. 

    Started as my mind had run out of resources. 

    Coping wasnt living, especially wasnt coping in survival mode. 

    The packaging of life hadn’t fulfilled its ‘James hoped for’ expectations.

    Because the landscape on the inside was a barren mine- filled land of fear, terror, a landscape I was afraid of, that was dominating every action, every moment. 

    What I was afraid of held power over me. 

    I couldnt go there. 

    And yet…. as soon as I started the walk….. the universe provided…. angels in the form of spare bedrooms, kind words, walks, safety… beyond anything… safety. 

    And slowly, slowly I began to tentatively see, feel, walk in the landscape. 

    It was and is the journey of a lifetime, for it has been a journey of life. 

    Maybe the longest journey is the shortest distance, and how this is navigated shapes so much of our lives. 

    There are times of deep searching, deep disconnection, emotions and fear, yet I have been open to the possibility of healing and growth within it all, for nearly all of the time, yes some resistance… but old habits change hard…. 

    It was only the gap of the thoughts, 

    It was only the gap between heart and soul, 

    No distance at all….. 

    Yet an ongoing journey of love, of life and gratitude

    Towards a place beyond.

    Tentatively.

    Where life is and was all along.

  • Discover Your ‘What Ifs’: Nurturing Imagination and Growth

    What if?

    Is a beautiful inviting phrase.. Dont you think?

    or does it scare you…

    Because it can do either.

    What if?

    Might it invoke promise, openness, wonder, curiosity

    Might it be a threshold into opportunity

    Might it tantalise and tempt

    Might it awaken

    Might it feel too big to ask right now….

    What if you could even ask a what if question…?

    What if?

    What if might tease at a playful side of your soul……

    Untethered wonder like…..

    What if the moon was actually made of cheese?

    (yes there would be cracker and chutney shops on venus)

    but….

    What if you could be anywhere you want to be?

    What if freedom was yours, what would you do with it?

    What if today’s sunshine was universe love, just for you…. what would you do with it?

    What if you could believe the universe was loving you , independently of the weather, independently of any-thing?

    What if you gave yourself the love you give others?

    What if your breakdown……was an opportunity instead?

    What if your struggle……. actually was an opportunity, not that you can see it yet…..but one day…….

    What if?

    What if……you allowed yourself to be open to the possibilities?

    What if nothing was holding you back?

    What if you had limitless energy?

    What’s your what if?

    What if ………………………………………….?

    What if you lived aligned with your what ifs? The curious dreaming, the awakened heart, the possibilities

    In a world often ready to shrink the space of dreaming and construct the box in which your possibilities and growth can only be…… what if it was time to live beyond….. where the spark of your soul imagination might want to take you….

    What if there was no box? What if the question reveals the borderlines and barriers?

    But what if there were far less rules?

    What if you…… were to be open to the ‘What if?’

    beyond into life, beyond into the place where your soul feels free……

    What if I did too?

  • Realising the inner Community

    Realising the inner Community

    Im a youth and community worker by profession, and so, words like ‘community’ have been bantered around for a long time, and trying to understand what they mean, there’s often talk of online community, or groups of people with shared values, purposes, aims or actions.

    It was always out there.

    ‘The Community’

    A group of people. An estate.

    Theologically, I learned about the community of the Trinity – Father, Son Spirit.. and spent far too long wondering if it was hierarchical or social, upwards or flat.

    Yet.

    The one community I was negating the treasure of, was the community inside.

    For inside, there is a restless community of treasure awaiting your finding, awaiting a safe time to make itself known, awaiting space to show itself in its energy, colour and brilliance.

    Neglected inner energy, thats been held back for so long, energy that comes from the heart, the soul and the mind.

    The Community within, with its parts, with its roles and jobs, with its functions.

    An inner community that awakens to the wonders, and curiosity of the childlikeness, seeks peace and stillness

    An inner community that seeks love, harmony and joy, and radiates them all too.

    An inner community that lets us know when its out of sync or out of kilter, when it’s fractured and disconnected, when it is not ok, and you’re not.

    An inner community whose communication to you is always love, always care, always for you – even to protect when it doesn’t need to, its still protecting.

    So, pause for a moment, and turn your gaze, your breath and your mind inwards and say hello to that inner community, the inner life, your inner reality.

    Community within, heart, mind and soul

    Feelings, thoughts and spirit

    Community on the inside

    Encircling power, harnessing it

    Taking you beyond.

  • Stillness Revealing the Flow

    It was only when I stopped did I notice.

    As I stood on the bridge

    I stood still, only breathing

    As I sensed the world flow around me.

    On a bridge.

    Next to me, the footsteps of people, passing by, their flow of movement, the chatter, the excitement, the practicality of voice, crossing roads, heading out, heading home, their movement a flow, to and from, each with different speeds, unless their hands beautifully held together, walking to the same rhythm.

    And then the cars, in the space behind me, from many destinations, it was their engines, the acceleration, and brakes, from known places to other places. Carriages of metal, making their way, as they did so, I felt the air pressure change on my back, as larger cars, or trucks forced themselves through the cool air, and made themselves known.

    Underneath me, the flow of water, gathering pace down stream, clear, greens underneath, awash with whispers of white waves, reflecting the sun, twinkling in the sun, water reaching for its sea destination, and on the way accommodating, inviting life to partake in the home it creates in its depths.

    Flow, restless, never ending, from its origin, ultimately the heavens and back to it, via the mountains, the gulleys and heading out to sea.

    Flowing underneath me. The river dancing its way in shimmers of glossy light, its flow controlled by volume, and directed by the land with which encases it, aside from later in its life downstream its force brings edges of soil and rock to their knees.

    And as I stood, alive to the flow, the wind breathed its deceptively coldness, on this bright sun filled day. Origin unknown, destination, unknown, yet it made its presence real to me, the cold flow across the back of my arms, head and calves.

    Wind, that breathes itself freedom, an unstoppable, untameable force, now creating power, yet as I stood, its cold flow caused shivers, its energy cool.

    Underneath the river

    Behind me the cars and people

    Around me the wind

    The Flow of life

    That exact time, of a quartet of flows, never to be repeated.

    And I, the watcher, the feeler, standing there.

    Still.

    A contrast to the flow.

    Preventing in a minuscule way, particles of wind from finding their destination, affecting on me.

    Flow of energy all around, life force mysterious, known and unknown combining in restless urgency, and creative power, nurturing life, and travelling through, each journeying. And I being.

    What flow, circulates around me, invites me, where shall I go, how shall I flow, open, flying on the breeze, floating down the river, swimming up the stream, walking along predetermined concrete, free as the wind.

    Where time is measured in wonder, and joy and creativity, partners in the dance.

    And then, it was time.

    Time to walk.

    Alive to flow.

    Alive to being Still, amidst it.

    ‘Stillness is the canvas against which movement can become beautiful’ (John O Donohue, Divine Beauty)

  • The Great Mother

    And she spoke to me

    Saying

    Today the great Mother loves you

    The great Mother of the Earth welcomes you

    The great Mother holds you

    And she who created all loves you

    And she who created all desires you

    And she who is all, is in you

    She fills, she guides, she sparkles

    She gives, she breathes, she delights

    She calls, she waits , she dreams your dreams

    Unconditionally into the channel of your soul

    Her still loving voice of calm

    Her time is slow

    Accept, open, breathe.

    And

    Feel her dance amongst the river beds

    And fly high in the trees

    And radiate her goodness to you

    Great Mother of the universe

    Great lover of the soul

    And

    As I open my eyes to see her

    Feel her

    And walk alongside her

    She did

    And I cried.

  • The Journey.

    I realised something today in doing a Mental Health Awareness course with work. It was that I am so proud and pleased with the journey I have been on
    When in the past suicidal thoughts were common from the age of 9
    When negative thoughts crowded my mind, constantly
    When I gave in to self soothing behaviours
    When I felt shame
    When I disconnected from feelings
    When I couldn’t look anyone in the eye – when they asked.. ‘Are you ok?’
    When I lacked any joy, dreams, or self worth
    When I was in survival mode
    When I travelled through life sacred, bruised and with a lingering depressive state.

    So…as I sat in the room, I realised the extent to which I have dug deep, how much I have faced fears and inner demons  and stood up for myself, how I’ve sought professional help.
    Sometimes it’s just important to be grateful for the journey…the one before ..and the one emerging …..

  • What If Love and God are the same?

    What If Love and God are the same?

    Someone once said to me

    That Love could be spelt T.I.M.E

    And someone else once said to me that it was important to

    Spend time with God

    And someone else once said to me that

    God is Love.

    And someone else once said to me that I am God, and

    that the search for God out there takes us away from God that is in ‘here’.

    So.

    Time with God is Time with Love

    Love with God is Love with You

    and you can’t have time with God because you are God

    and Love, and God and You and Time

    are all closer to one thing.

    and you are that…..thing?

    Not just a thing, but an all thing, a full thing

    If you are God and God is Love, then might that mean

    that you are love too?

    And you do not have time with God, for you are God

    And Love is all, then you are all.

    And belief in God might mean belief in love….and belief in yourself.

    Only you

    Sacred union of soul

    Habituating in the heart

    Beyond everything is, just is

    and there is you, all along

    Perfect one-ness of being

    Whole

    Human

    Being.

    Embodied Soul.

    Dancing the delight, the orgy of the night

    Transcendent beauty eclipsing love around an orbit of joy.

    Beyond time

    Love making being.

  • Embrace your authenticity, to give something more.

    Embrace your authenticity, to give something more.

    Because it isn’t possible my friend

    To give one hundred percent.

    For that is just a number

    An expectational requirement…..stuck in your head

    And who judges that anyway?

    That is just a notion

    A lie to be subscribed to

    Arbitrary notion, expectant requirement

    Pressure, from uncaring sources.

    When all that matters, truly

    Is to act with heart intentions

    from somewhere close to your soul

    To do your best with what you have

    And who you are.

    To be upon the stage of the world

    Raw, uncomplicated you.

    Yes you might get pot shots

    Yes, the crowd may boo

    But when you give with loving kindness

    They’re misunderstanding you.

    You can’t be liked and also love

    In cultures cruel and systems tough

    Where 100% is barest minimum,

    and exhaustion on the cards

    And Mindfulness a way of coping

    with unnecessary harm.

    So act with love, and walk with power

    Decide your action, with intention

    And grace the stage with higher calling

    Fail at giving 100%, because you can

    To give your joy, smile and sparkle instead,

    For thats worth more than figures in their head.