James Ballantyne

Category: Therapy

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 8): I couldn’t do anything about it, but I knew.

    Dad, Do you think theres an all powerful, sovereign, all knowing, overseeing, higher power, dominating force thats controlling all our lives?

    Said the front of the Fathers day I sent to my Dad when I was about 13.

    Inside it read;

    Yeah, its Mum isn’t it?

    It was the one occasion probably in my life where this was the perfect card to send. (Mothers day cards were impossible)

    The thing that surprised me, is that they put the card on display on top of the microwave (don’t ask) for all to see. I guess when you’re that entitled, you dont mind that your spouses Fathers day card is all about you.

    One of the things that enabled me to survive was that I could see it, and on this occasion Clintons Cards conveyed what everyone was thinking.

    Part of my survival story was that I knew.

    Even If as a child I could do anything about it. I still knew.

    Even if I couldn’t articulate it to others, I still knew.

    Even if I was trapped in an emotional minefield, I knew.

    So knowing meant that I could disengage.

    It meant I knew that what they said I didn’t need to believe. What I could do was listen, but not take in what they said. Though I couldn’t do anything about what she said or did. I at least had made an intellectual decision not to accept it.

    The shutting off had begun.

    But also, so had the realisation of what I knew.

    I survived from then on by staying in my head.  That was the place that was safe. My head had worked things out. I had survived without emotional support (I was the rescuer of theirs remember).

    Being able to discount them as useful, helpful or supportive was part of it too. But what I could see at that early age was the truth.

    There was only 1 dominant force controlling all of our lives.

    Though no one could do anything about it, and that person would be in denial of it. Everyone knew. That I knew helped me survive.

    Breaking down in the last few years, meant getting in touch with what I left behind.

    But knowing helped me survive.

     

    Thank you for reading, Parts 1-7 are in the menu above. Do read and share if you think my story will help others. If you’d like to support me there are ways in the menu to the right, and theres resources also above in the menu, including links to books that have helped me.

  • Feeling grief; for the mothers day cards I could never send

    I really have toyed with this one all week, I didn’t want to continue the series on surviving a psychopath parent, because what I needed to do this week was to take stock a bit, and be kind on myself, given that this weekend is Mothers day.

    And it started to bite in the middle of the week.

    Feelings.

    Now that I’m aware of them, I hate them too. Gave myself a headache.

    Every year I used to go through the life triggering, upsetting event of trying to find a suitable mothers day card for an abusive mother. Pretend, lie, or send a blank one.

    The same routine for as long as I can remember. Since being an early teen, easily that long.

    I mean they are all sickening.

    Why?

    Because it was the done thing. Because also I would be used to hearing…

    You’ll upset her if you dont

    Yes, because I would be the rescuer wounding the victim.

    I had already decided that I wouldn’t be sending a card this year, unless Clintons cards advertised that they had broadened their range to include honest sentiments like

    ‘On mothers day, here’s a card because it avoids drama’

    ‘To an emotionally immature parent, Happy Mothers day’

    ‘Im sending this because its tradition and not much more’

    That was the beginning of the week. Passive aggressive suggestions for the mothers day card that Im not going to send.

    Then I realised that, as per the Drama triangle, her emotions are her responsibility, and not mine.

    But that doesn’t take away from the 40 years of hearing those words.

    You’ll upset your mother

    Lindsay C Gibson writes:

    Do you remember a time when they used fear, guilt, shame or self doubt to make you do what they wanted? What worked best on you? What type of emotional coercions are you most vulnerable to? What physical sensations do you get when someone is trying to make you feel bad for their benefit?  (Gibson 2019, Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents)

    So I clocked it. Realised it. Felt it with a headache.

    Gave myself time.

    Realised what was going on.

    Resisting the urge to buy a mothers day card.

    But then.

    Mothers day.

    The week before.

    I may avoid going through the motions in a feat of honesty to myself. But…

    Then I felt something else.

    Good grief.

    Grief.

    Grief, because I can’t send a Clintons sickening Mothers day card?

    Grief, beyond the passive aggression?

    I mean is it possible to miss the mother you never had?

    but you should be grateful James, at least…..

    Please do not suggest how I might be grateful on this one.

    I am allowed to feel…I should feel what I actually feel…

    I mean does anyone actually have the kind of relationship with their parents depicted in Clintons cards? oh you do.. oh..

    grief because whilst you’ve spent your life on eggshells everyone else has been having picnics?

    dont be so sensitive James…everyone has ‘issues’ with their parents… 

    you shouldn’t compare James…

    Realising that you even have to talk your way out of the truth of the situation, the truth of the feelings.

    Being aware that this time of the year is mixed with many emotions, and im not grieving a relationship thats broken down, because it was a relationship that never was, and feeling grief for the parents I never had.

    Grieving what you never had, at the same time realising how you survived the parents that you actually did have. Grief for the time wasted, and the emotions damaged and the trauma invoked.

    Grief for the mothers day cards I could never send.

     

    All the resources referred to, and links, can be found above in the Menu.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 4) – Asbestos feet; From Eggshells to Empathy.

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 4) – Asbestos feet; From Eggshells to Empathy.

    Thank you for reading, this is part 4 of my survival story, do check out parts 1-3 in the menu to the right, though each part can be read separately. This one may contain details that could trigger. 

    Growing up with psychopathic emotionally immature parents allowed me to develop asbestos feet, with all the walking on eggshells that I had to do.

    Now I know, if God had desired that we were to find asbestos feet useful maybe we would have been created with them, so maybe they are more a product of how the human child adapts to survive in such unnurturing circumstances.

    Using eggshells to remove toxic water pollutants | News | Chemistry World

    I had soft feet. Eggshells hurt. Like they would do if they are stood on.

    Apparently I had to toughen up, and develop proverbial asbestos feet, by the very person who was relaying the floor with a layer of eggshells to walk on.

    Sometimes there’d be a bomb in and amongst the eggshell too, or a place of glass, just to cut deeper, all just to ‘help’ me to develop ‘thicker’ skin.

    Given that I had no choice as a child, its loyalty or punishment, then, I learned to pretend, to fake agreeing, agreeing to being the role that was compliant, and trying to navigate a pathway full of emotional eggshells and explosives, that sometimes went off, other times just the fear of them was enough.

    Its one thing advising people how not to walk on eggshells when you’re at work, but what if thats your entire home existence, you might as well have been born with asbestos feet, because they get to be needed pretty early on.

    My Psychopath parent was of the emotionally fragile and unpredictable variety, in this post I share the 12 common features of emotionally immature parents, taken from Lindsay Gibsons book.

    If other people are getting more attention, they find ways to draw attention back to themselves, such as interrupting, firing off zingers that get everyones attention, or changing the subject. If all else fails they may pointedly withdraw, look bored or otherwise communicate that they are disengaged – behaviours that ensure that the focus stays on them. (Lindsey C Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, 2016)

    What you get to realise is that the eggshells appear when they are not centre of attention. When you have to ask for something, when you might want to disagree, when you try to put your needs first

    I learned not to bother. Any time I did was met with emotional outburst.

    Survival just meant growing asbestos feet, and wearing bomb proof clothing.

    Emotional shielding from the impending storm. Fear. Terror. Because you just know that a bomb had gone off, and one will go off again.  So dont dare upset them, just keep the peace, dont rock the boat, tip toe around them. Comply or hide.

    When emotional parents disintegrate, they take their children with them into their personal meltdown. Their children experience their despair, rage or hatred in all its intensity. Its no wonder everyone in the family feels like they are walking on eggshells. These parents emotional instability is the most predictable thing about them. (Gibson, 2016)

    And as the following indicates, it may not be in the workplace that some of you saw this in my parents. Though, I am pretty sure they didnt hide it very well. They left a trailblazer of shocking behaviour everywhere, and when challenged would not be able to see it as shocking. In which case it wouldn’t really matter if they were in a professional role in which character was important, like being a vicar for example, as long as in their job they could hide it…

    Their fluctuating moods and reactivity make them unreliable and intimidating. And while they may act helpless and usually see themselves as victims, family life always revolves around their moods. Although they often control themselves outside the family, where they can follow a structured role (not always I might add) within the crucible of intimate family relationships they display their full impulsivity, especially if intoxicated. It can be shocking to see ow no-holds-barred they get. (Gibson, 2016)

    However, my survival story is about me.

    As a result of this, I learned to put other people first, and my needs firmly second, or third. Though, that doesn’t stop emotionally immature people of accusing me of being selfish (when I might dare to put my needs first).  Learning how to navigate eggshells is about attuning to the needs of the other, attuning to the emotional cues of the most emotionally fragile in the room, responding to the needy. It’s codependancy. But thats what I had to do to survive, forgo myself. Because even though I should stand up to other people when they bully, the full force of victimhood, shame and loyalty would emerge if they were stood up to.

    Being overly attentive to other peoples feelings and emotions is no bad thing.

    Actually yes it is. That could end in empathy enmeshment.

    Being attentive is no bad thing, its about having empathy that seeks to understand, and compassion that enables that person to make their own decisions in the actions to alleviate their situation.

    Telling our story is about putting me as the main character of this, not the other person. From Eggshells to empathy, how I learned to be who I am, in the way I am from the start I was given.  It has taken me a very long time to actually put me first. Part of surviving trauma is to narrate the story of and see it for what it is and was, and becoming aware of how I survived and what resources I used to be able to. Developing rubber feet to walk on eggshells, when there was no sledgehammer to crush them smooth, a new layer would be put down.

  • I grew up with a psychopath in the home (and a christian one)

    I grew up with a psychopath

    One of my parents is a psychopath.

    I don’t say this lightly.

    My mother is a psychopath.

    There, I said it.

    I grew up with a psychopath

    A christian one.

    Just saying this out loud is pretty phenomenal, or is it?

    I mean didn’t you all do the facebook quiz ‘Discover if your mum is a psychopath and get a high score…? no, I thought not…

    Its a bit different from that Johnny Briggs TV show of my own childhood, ‘My mum, who’s a nurse… ‘

    When I started blogging nearly 10 years ago, I did not think that this would be the blog I would write.

    Probably because at that time I lived in blissful ignorance, actually, numbed trauma reaction, to the extent of my parents emotional coercion and abuse.

    Was it ever possible to see?  Yes, and everyone knew more than they realised. But it wasn’t possible for me to see it.

    So, it was no surprise to me this year when I realised that my mum is a psychopath. Actually it meant that all the pieces fit together.

    It was one thing to realise that I was subject to emotional abuse as a child. 

    It was another thing to categorise my parent as a narcissist 

     Another again to regard them both as emotionally immature. 

    It was a step further still to regard her as a psychopath. But honestly, its the only accurate conclusion. 

    It wasn’t a shock in anyway when it was pointed out to me by two separate people in the last year, one of whom knows her pretty well.

    I realised something else this year too.

    You know that thing where some kids defend their parents and are loyal to them, even when they raise the alarm about abuse, or when others attract their parents. Theres a natural defence and loyalty from children to parents at times, despite everything.

    This is not something I have ever consciously felt. It was only this year when I realised that I hadn’t ever stood up for them. So, something must have happened when I was a young child, and thanks to trauma therapy I’ve worked, and working through this.

    I have always known that my parents, mum especially, was weird. But an 11 year old isn’t going to come to this clinical realisation. A 31 year old didn’t either.

    And in the main, a number of you reading this, if this makes it to my home town, or places where they have lived, also know.

    You felt it, but couldn’t put your finger on it. You were bullied, then played as a victim. You were taken from, and never given to. Gifts were never without reason. Social moments where often of shock, and orientated around her. They played people off each other , all the time. Unable to see or understand why they aren’t liked.

    In his book ‘Surrounded by psychopaths’ Eriksen suggest that there are 20 behaviour traits that a psychopath is likely to display much of the time. (I know there is A PPI test too.)  She scores very high.

    These behavioural things include:

    Grandiosity, Jealousy, Shallow feelings/emotions, Egocentricity, Superficial charm, Role playing, pathological lying, cunning and manipulative, entitled, need for stimulation, early behaviour problems, parasitic lifestyle, lack of realistic long term goals, failure to accept any responsibility, juvenile delinquency, Callous.

    But it wasn’t a shock. It was more a dawning reality that helped me explain who I am. Helped me explain my life choices, and the divisions within my family, that kept everyone apart.

    So, im 42, 43 soon, and have lived 41 of those years trying to appease, exist and revolve my life a psychopath parent.  A parent, or parents in which none of these are true . Parents who exist only in the drama triangle, and perpetuate DARVO .

    Image result for drama triangle

     

    When I have shared this with a few people, they have said that they were sorry. Sorry for me, that this is what I have had to realise or face in my upbringing.

    As Lindsey Gibson writes too, Emotionally immature people (a term that encompasses psychopath, narcissist, sociopath) also disassociate. Dissociative personality disorder is evident in my parents. This has enabled one of them to commit shocking behaviours in their entire life, and not feel any remorse or guilt, or shame, and certainly not take any responsibility, amongst other things. But switching personalities, roles and identities was common.

    So, in piecing all the behaviour together, the trauma, the terror, the victim role playing, the dissociation. I had only one unenviable conclusion.

    My mother is a psychopath. She’s also Evangelical.

    My mother; The Christian Psychopath.

    I grew up with a psychopath in the home.

    Now I know it, its time to live with the awareness, heal from emotional trauma and be the person i am meant to be.

    (PS. Im aware that there will not ever be a diagnosis. Thats just the point, they wouldn’t actually go themselves, voluntarily, and even in any court case it would be difficult to prove. No one walks into their GP and says ‘ can I have a psychopath test please?’ and thats just the point. Admitting this would even mean acknowledging a self awareness, that is absent. )

    The resources that helped me identify all this are here 

  • The myths about parents that prevent truth of emotional abuse from being believed

    One of the main reasons victims of abuse dont get believed is that the actions that perpetrators do is so shocking that no one could believe it actually happened.

    Ironically the same people who describe such things have to articulate something so awful and shocking, that it would be beyond their own mental capacity to make something up. They have no need to lie when the actions that occurred are scandalous enough.

    Another is the default positions that people hold about parents, especially in situations of parent -child abuse and emotional abuse.

    If you’ve been on the receiving end of emotional abuse in childhood, you’ll know how you feel when people say these things, the myths of what parents are supposed to be:

    • All Parents love their children
    • A Parent is the one person you can trust
    • A parent will always be there for you
    • You can tell your parents anything
    • Your parents will love you no matter what
    • You can always go back home
    • Your parents only want what’s best for you
    • Your parents know more than you do
    • Whatever your parents do, they’re doing it for your own good

    Some parents, mine included, even use these statements to describe something that they have absolutely no intention of actually acting out. Many of these myths are not true when you have emotionally immature parents, as Lindsay C Gibson (2016, p142) they never even see the light of day, they’re distant hoped for lands, where other children live in families, but not you.

    Some parents also have the word ‘Christian’ or ‘Faith’ to that list. As a christian, they wouldn’t do that..would they??  

    Yet, society trots these things out, as if good parenting is the default zeitgeist.

    It’s strange that when many tales of children, and fiction represent children abandoned, abused and tormented in their upbringing. Or where adults are pretty useless, like Harry Potter, Cinderella, and the many others.

    But when some of these statements above are held widely in society, then it can often become the first instinct not to believe the person who shares of the abuse from their parents.

    It’s not just as if their parent couldn’t do that, its that ‘no’ parent could.

    But they can. And they do.

    For many of us, those statements are just not true. In emotionally immature parents, these are those who are fit these criteria:

    EIP.jpg

    Then more than one can exist in a family. I have 2, and 1 is very strong at that.

    So, we must as a society, as youthworkers, social workers, counsellors, clergy and therapists, do our best, and do better, than believe the myth of parenting, rather than the actual experience and victim of parental abuse is trying to communicate. Because in many many cases, articulating emotional abuse is phenomenally difficult to do.

    One of the issues that Gibson writes about too is that as children, or adult children of emotionally immature parents, we may be unable to see our parents clearly, given that accepting that our parents are actually none of the above list (and more like the 4 types) that we care to imagine.

    Though, for others, like myself, I’ve know my parents have been weird, odd, since a very young age, and that may bring about different effects, and barely entertaining that they would be any of these things at all, because they barely acted in a way that it was true.

    My healing journey, and possibly yours too, is about beginning to see the past in a realistic and actual way, and not in a mythical hopeful sense, like the child who may hope for better or change. If you’re in your mid 40’s and hope your parents change now, then youre on a hiding to nothing. The only person who can change is yourself, especially as you heal and grow.  Its not only time to educate ourselves about the truth of our parents, but also others so that they see too.

    Parents are supposed to be these things, and in some cases, hopefully the majority, they are. If you have a good relationship with your parents, please dont assume that others do, or the myth of parents, because thats what they are, myths. Myths that stop truth from being believed.

    References

    Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay C Gibson, 2o16

    Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay C Gibson, 2019

     

     

     

  • Everyone knew…but everyone was terrified

    ‘All the same’, demurred Fudge, ‘they are here to protect you all from something much worse.. we all know what (Sirius) Black is capable of..’ ,

    ‘Do you know, I still have trouble believing it, said Madam Rosmerta thoughtfully ‘Of all the people to go over to the dark side, Sirius Black was the last id have thought…I mean, I remember him as boy at Hogwarts. If you’d told me then what he was going to become, I’d say you’d had too much mead’

    ‘You dont know the half of it , Rosmerta’, said Fudge gruffly ‘The worst isnt widely known’

    (From JK Rowlings Harry Potter, The Prisoner of Azkhaban)

    In this scene, Harry is listening under the table, to a conversation about the background of the escapee prisoner Sirius, and how Sirius had close links to the Potter Family. It is this exchange that strikes me. You have the revelation of the action of Sirius, and the disbelief of one of them in conversation, that even so many years later that the accused, Sirius could be like they are.

    Yet as the narrative unfolds the grisly truth of Sirius behaviour is revealed.

    He is stone cold, shameless when confronted by his own behaviours of betrayal – seeming perfectly normal in the heat of a crime , and betrays Harrys Parents to let Voldemort access to their home to kill them.

    Some people just dont know, they hide all their behaviour behind closed doors.

    Some still are like Rosmerta, in disbelief that anything like this could be the behaviour of the boy Sirius.

    But its as difficult, when people do actually know.

    Some people have been entitled, shameless, narcissistic bullies all their life.

    They are well known to be weird. Well known to be easily angered, jealous, spiteful, over emotional, ego centric, and turn on the victim tears at the sight of challenge or being called out.

    People knew about Sirius, though some didnt.

    What could anyone do?

    Ive wondered this a few times this year.

    Two people have told me that they are apologetic that they knew, but didnt protect me.

    What could they do?

    Everyone knew.

    But did nothing

    Because.

    They could do nothing.

    Everyone knew

    But were scared themselves.

    I know they couldn’t.

    Everyone knew

    But they were terrified

    Everyone knew

    But they were traumatised themselves

    They knew she was easily angered

    They had felt it…

    They hadn’t been seen themselves, just prey for her ego

    And had to work hard, work together to piece the story

    They now avoid, put up boundaries.

    They had been used as a complaining sponge, to hear who she was wanting to complain about this time, me, my sister, their friends, the church, her job.

    Dumbfounded in disbelief.

    ‘Theres nothing wrong with James… its his _________ thats the problem’. (Once said a Vicar who knew me aged 19)

    Some people can hide their abuse behind closed doors. Other people wear it on their sleeve. All the time.

    On their sleeve. In full view.  Revealed all the time. Like Jimmy Saville for example. And the soon to be impeached one.

    You cant say ‘why didnt you leave’ when you’re a child. There is no escape. And that shouldn’t be said to anyone in a domestic abuse relationship anyway.

    Didn’t anyone else see?

    But everyone knew.

    Everyone still does know.

    Some people have been like it from their beginning.

    And it’s tolerated. Accepted. Protected even.

    ‘They’ve always been like that…. ‘

    ‘They cant be expected to change…’

    They play victim to get sympathy, whilst squeezing every other emotion out of the room.

    Agreed.

    Some people are not cunning enough to hide themselves.

    Some people dont get the chance to have a Rosmerta defend them.

    The worst isnt widely known

    because it would make you shiver.

    Thats the point, rules dont apply to them.

    Scared

    No one could do anything

    because everyone is terrified.

    Its a trauma response that sends chills down the spine.

    and

    no one fully knows the other half of it.

    Some of the abusers are hidden in plain sight. Some have displayed it all the time.

    Just that they have had their accusers silenced and delegitimised.

    If you saw or knew, but didnt do anything, no one blames you, I don’t.

    Why did no one do anything?  Well….. who could? Who would want to?

    Everyone knows, even now.

     

    (and I know Sirius isnt necessarily the person they claimed to him be, thats not the point I was making)

  • The dawning reality, that your life was a lie

    One of the things I have had to come to terms with is that my life as a child was a lie. It took a while and wasn’t the first thing I started to see in the last few years as ive healed and undergone self awareness and therapy.

    Thats the reality when I see what happened to me.

    Though, I was aware of the weirdness of my parents, but….

     

    It was a lie.

    What I was told was a lie.

    What I was told about other members of my family, was a lie.

    What I was told to believe about expectations

    What I wasn’t told about encouragment

    What I was told to do was hold on to belief that divided

    What I was told to do to show loyalty to someone emotionally abusive

    What I was told to be

    That truth told was a deluded reality

    What I was encouraged to do about emotions

    That life was about walking on eggshells and fear.

     

    Dont listen to other people, they are the problem, no. the person who said this was.

    Their toxicity needs getting rid of. No, Yours does.

    They are the problem – no, your jealousy is

    Theres too many gossips in this town – no theres too many people who have been hurt by you that you are trying to discredit

    Stand up for yourself – but you’ll be in trouble if you dare stand up against me

    They pick on me – No, you can’t see why others see you as unwelcome, shocking and abusive.

    Soothe me and my emotional meltdowns – dont have your own feelings

    Im trying my best to be a good parent – goodness doesn’t come naturally to the entitled.

     

     

    It was all a lie. A lie cloaked in delusions and entitlement

    A lie – cloaked in the truth orientated ‘world’ of evangelicalism. God is on our side.  

    God the unseen presence, fear that terrified and controlled.

    When your whole life was a lie.

    A lie because the lies I had to believe were from the person who was meant to be the nurturer, protector, care giver.

    A lie because that was the default. Nothing good, generous, positive, just a dominating wounded ego, bordering psychopathy.

    A lie because emotionally immaturity, psychopathic externalising framed my entire upbringing.

    For 40 years, my life was a lie.

    How do I know?

    Because those who were lied to started to tell stories. Those who had been divided by hatred and suspicion realised that they had been treated the same.  Reconciliation occurred with truth telling. Truth required risk.

    But everything before it… was manipulative emotionally abusive lying.

    At least I now know.

    At least, im grateful… that truth sets people free. It really does.

    Im grateful that I can see

    That life begins in truth, at 42.

    With love, and a family I never had.

    Now I can see.

  • When ‘Sorry’ seems to be the easiest word

    https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/CrappyIntervieweesApologizer.png

    Sorry, for being late

    Sorry for not being early

    Sorry for not asking

    Sorry for asking

    Sorry for not being good enough for you

    Sorry that I didnt did everything you expected me to

    Sorry that Im not smiling today

    Sorry for being too sensitive, when I dare stand up to you

    Sorry seemed to be the easiest word.

    Being Mary Cain. — Tianna Bee

    Its a sure sign of abuse, when sorry seemed to be the easiest word.

    Look at the list above, theres lots of opportunities to cause you to feel and be sorry.

    It became a word I had to use in some relationships Ive been in, saying sorry when actually I hadn’t actually done anything wrong, yet made to feel sorry for existing or breathing.

    And then I stopped saying it. I stopped saying sorry. It took a while. Clean air. Distance.

    I stopped saying sorry for myself. Because I started to believe that, after 40 years of it, that I was the ok one. I could think of myself better. I am not a walking apology waiting to happen.

    Apologising all the time. A sign of emotional abuse.

    If you heard me say sorry too much, im not sorry now. Thats the pain I was in.

    If you hear someone else say sorry often, they might be too.

    Sorry seems to be the easiest word, when we value others opinions of us, more than our true worth. When those voices of destruction and abuse weigh heavy, and their manipulation so pervasive.

    Hang on in there friend. See the signs. You are stronger, better, more worthy than you think.

    If someone around you is apologising alot, they need assurance, not judgement. That they are ok, and that things will be.

    I barely say sorry at all, and so if I do I mean it more, because of what I did, not for the value of myself.

    Sorry need not be the easiest word.

  • Why we’ve got to try and feel our feelings, not think our way out of them

    Its easier to say….’I know’

    I know that 

    Its easier to say … ‘I think’

    I think that

    Its easier to say …’I am…’

    I am annoyed

    Its easier to say ..’I cant..’

    I cant do this anymore

    Its harder to say ‘I feel..’

    As I I feel sad, I feel happy, I feel good… when ____ happens

    Not ‘you made me feel’ or ‘you should feel’ – having someone else to blame, or dictate our feelings, but ‘I feel’

    I feel fine covers a lot though doesn’t it…How Are You? Broken Sad Lonley Hurt Upset Alone Depressed Suicidal Angry Hateful Breaking Down Screaming Dead Empty Nothing Crying Shouting Giving Up Hiding Wearing a Mask Cutting Horrible Down Holl Worth

    It was recently said to me that in the conversations about men and emotions, that its not that men dont feel emotions, but that they lack the language to describe and articulate them. I look at my own life, and wonder when I could, or felt safe to, express how ‘I feel’ or ‘felt’ about anything. It strikes me as ironic, as during a time when I was helping young people explore emotional literacy in some mentoring work, that I numbed my own pain, that I had no handle on, or no experience of doing this myself. I know about emotional literacy, is vastly different to me being able to say ‘I feel’ .

    You quickly learn as a child not to worry about your own emotions, when there’s more emotional people in the family to care for, when you’re on tenterhooks all the time. You learn to ignore feelings. Thats what I did. Switch onto full on survival mode.

    Yet at the same time I thought I was self aware. I wasn’t.

    If Daniel Coleman is to be believed, its about being aware of our mood and our thoughts about that mood (emotional intelligence, p 47) He says when we say ‘this anger I am feeling’ is more freeing than trying to deny someone the right to feel angry. Growing up in a ‘shouldn’t feel’ emotions culture, let alone a coping with other persons over emotional state culture, denies the healthy growth of emotional awareness, of the self.

    Research has shown that those who accept and are aware of their emotions, are more likely to feel both good and negative ones, than people who distract, deny and suppress emotions. Coleman writes, the more we notice in terms of emotions, the richer we are emotionally.Emotional Intelligence For Dads And Kids - The Dad Train

    But what about not being able to express or articulate emotions. A case study in Colemans book talks about the man who literally had flat, colourless emotions, who ‘lacked the words’ for feelings, and whilst he goes on to state (in 1996) that further research is needed on this (it might be done by now) he and others were drawn to the significant amount of people who literally could not feel and why this was the case.

    I like this line, on the back of their preliminary findings then..

    if you could put words to what you were felt, it was yours

    and that, as they said was the problem to those who couldn’t feel or have no words for them, they couldn’t own their own feelings. Often, that just meant feeling other peoples.

    I feel….. well what doing I feel. What do you feel?  and, Men, I address you, to  ask that you take notice of, and allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to feel, and try and articulate the feeling, saying I feel angry, happy, blissful, calm, or feeling anxious, tired, hot, aroused…

    or any one of these… practice saying, feeling, acknowledging them..I will..

    Today I Feel... Poster - FREEBIE by The Vibrant VA Studies Shop and More

    Saying I feel isn’t weak.

    Its so hard work that it requires strength. Ignoring I feel is so so much worse.  I get if you cant. I get if you cant because its buried under hurts and trauma. I know. But admit that too, and prioritise talking, therapy and loving yourself to be fully you.

    ‘I think’ was always an easy get out for me. ‘I know’ was too. Hide emotions because not being in a safe place to express them, or to peel off the layers to experience them.

    To be more me, Im going to try and speak from my heart and say I feel.

    Its not too late to start. I owe it to myself, and everyone around me.

    This may help:

    How “Feeling Your Feelings” May Help Improve Your Relationship with Food — Michelle Vina Baltsas

  • Already I’m glad I started more therapy

    I’ve only had the first session of therapy. But already I’m glad.

    Maybe therapy can feel like running a marathon, the hardest part is getting to the starting line.

    Wondering what it will be like

    Wondering what to say

    Wondering if what you have to say is going to be heard

    Wondering if anything you say is valid

    Already I’m glad. And that’s just one session done.

    First session and I’ve already shared, spoken, described stories I’ve never done before.

    Healing begins.

    Last time I did therapy in the midst of chaos, it was the start of a rebuild. With clarity over the end of one emotionally toxic relationship, clean air brings the desire to do work on the other one.

    24 hours since that first session. I’m sitting in the calm ok feeling of being heard, validated and safe.

    It’s all better out, that being stuck inside where it’s all been for over 40 years. Time to love myself even more, understand and heal.

    I’m already glad I started. Men, don’t put it off. Damaging parental relationships, or domestic abuse relationship can happen to you. It’s time to heal.
    It
    Wasn’t
    Your
    fault.

    And, seriously, don’t think you cant be healed, or that your problems are too little, or big, or that it’s not worth it. Just get onto the start line and start.

    I’m glad again to start therapy.

    I’m looking forward to being even more me.