James Ballantyne

Category: Trauma

  • The struggle to ‘do’ my own healing work

    The struggle to ‘do’ my own healing work

    One of the hardest things for me about rebuilding after trauma is to do it.

    Its not a linear thing, but I find it fascinating that what I needed in the midst of dealing the traumatic situations was a calm cool head, the oft said ‘breathe’ and as Van Der Kolk writes about, to use breathing to begin to bring the intellect into play, when in an emotionally traumatic experience.

    If part of the rebuild after emotional trauma is to be in a safe place, a calm one, then its fascinating that the rebuild requires a active shift.

    Research suggests that creative practices (Cappachione, 1988) and physical practices (Van Der Kolk 2014) are keys to the re-make post trauma.

    So its a doing thing.

    I have to participate in my own trauma rebuilding.

    Id rather learn the theory.

    Im used to creating spaces to help others do this

    Im used to watching from the sidelines

    I watch, while others dance.

    Watching, rather than being active, Hobbies that have included transporting, birdwatching, all stemming from a need to be observant of others.

    Yet I still find ‘doing’ recovery from trauma practices difficult, because it involves parts of me that have been inhibited, restricted, shamed into non being.

    ‘We dont do that sort of thing’ (Dance),

    ‘Thats a bit weird and of the devil’ (Yoga),

    ‘Dont make a mess , we dont want to clutter up the kitchen with these drawings’ (Art and Creativity), dont be silly, dont be messy.

    Its like to trying to de-concentrate and just do.

    Id rather write a blog about why I find doing trauma remaking practices difficult than pick up a wax crayon. But its so that I didnt have to write this line, that the last week I have been picking up the wax crayons.

    Thats the thing though, I have to let my head stop. Yet its what I needed to survive.

    I need to just do. Let my body do.

    I may have read about theory of trauma, but unless its a tick box exercise, Id avoid the exercises in even the list of resources in the menu above.

    It was only in front of my therapist that I drew a picture.

    Draw something on a sheet of paper. No – I cant draw

    Go on – No – why, its pointless

    Do it….No its silly

    Its like learning to swear and get it out. Let feelings loose

    Use crayons and scribble, let it happen…

    Theres so many reasons why I find participating in my own healing difficult.

    So many excuses not to, because theres other peoples to think of

    But also, so used to being the observer to other peoples existence, the soother of others pain, concentrating to stay safe, being told not to feel, easily distracted by the safety of helping others, and having my brain engaged in debates, or the empathy and response patterns of social media.

    It means me being selfish with my time. Investing in myself as I reparent myself.

    My remaking after trauma and through it involved my participation.

    Just doing it. Like there Nike Advert.

    Im glad my therapist recommended this book: ‘Recovery of your inner child’ by Lucio Cappachione to me. Because, although it contains some writing, it also has many exercises to actually do. Things I had to do. Myself.

    Things I had to do and feel. Do and respond to.

    Im not sure its possible to theorise my way out of trauma. Or to watch others. Or just to talk about it.

    Remaking after trauma is a participation thing, that I have to do.

    What about you? Are you in that mindset struggle to ‘do’ the practices of self care/healing? Do you have strategies, things you tell yourself? Do share below:

  • Healing of wounded history : A Prayer

    A beautiful blessing on the healing of wounded history ( from John O’Donahue) , that I saw share by Andy Raine and wanted to post here as a gift and reminder to myself.

    For Someone Awakening To The Trauma of His or Her Past:

    For everything under the sun there is a time.

    This is the season of your awkward harvesting,

    when the pain takes you where you would rather not go,

    through the white curtain of yesterdays

    to a place, you had forgotten

    you knew from the inside out;

    and a time when that bitter tree was planted

    that has grown always invisibly beside you

    and whose branches your awakened hands

    now long to disentangle from your heart.

    You are coming to see how your looking often darkened

    when you should have felt safe

    enough to fall toward love,

    how deep down your eyes were always owned by something

    that faced them through a dark fester of thorns

    converting whoever came into a further figure of the wrong;

    you could only see what touched you as already torn.

    Now the act of seeing begins your work of mourning.

    and your memory is ready to show you everything,

    having waited all these years for you to return and know.

    Only you know where the casket of pain is interred.

    You will have to scrape through all the layers of covering

    and according to your readiness, everything will open.

    May you be blessed with a wise and compassionate guide

    who can accompany you through the fear and grief

    until your heart has wept its way to your true self.

    As your tears fall over that wounded place,

    may they wash away your hurt and free your heart.

    May your forgiveness still the hunger of the wound,

    so that for the first time you can walk away from that place,

    reunited with your banished heart, now healed and freed,

    and feel the clear, free air bless your new face.

    John O’Donohue, ( from ‘To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings’)

  • When the battle for our mind shifts

    When the battle for our mind shifts

    You must control your mind Harry, don’t let Voldemort find his way in to control you

    That was one of the main weapons that Voldemort used to control Harry. He got into his dreams, he got into his mind. He set up scenarios so that Harry would jump to the rescue to be the hero.

    It was a battle that Dumbledore, Snape, Ron and Hermione tried to encourage Harry to put a stop too in most of the last 3 Books.

    Control your mind Harry.

    Control it. Dont let him in.

    Dealing with an abuser is a battle of the mind.

    They torment dreams. At unlikely moments cause pain in the forehead, the ears, the mind.

    Shock. Terror. Fear. Shame. Guilt.

    Harry had to try, and was largely unsuccessful in controlling his mind.

    When we’ve been in traumatic incidents our minds are affected. Fragmented, Damaged.

    We also over think the situation. At least I have done in the past. Mind not stopping. Its as if the abuser wants to keep that part of us guessing. Keep that part of us moving all the time. Second guessing their behaviour. Relaying the wound of a previous torment back into our bodies, adrenaline. Vigilance. Scared.

    Control your mind Harry.

    When we’re over thinking…how are you breathing? How am I breathing..what have I noticed? I stopped breathing, I need to start..but..slowly…

    What else do I notice?

    I can’t think straight…I cant think of the possibilities..Im in fear, terror, react, fight, flight, freeze response… I cant breathe..

    You must Control your mind Harry….

    Dont let Voldemort in….

    But then something strange happens.

    Gradually, as Harry works out the patterns, Gradually as Harry works out Voldemorts weaknesses, Gradually the game shifts.

    Harry deliberately opens his mind. Because thats where Voldemort reveals himself. Thats where Harry can see what he is up too. The power shifts.

    Harry has the power, in his mind.

    He has worked out the patterns, Harry is stronger, Harry isn’t reactive, that which Harry has been abused by, is what Harry uses to assume control and power. He sees it and Voldemort for what he is. Harry has also learned not to react immediately. Hermione slows him down.

    Once we see the same patterns of our abusers we can see the way out. They have, largely the same patterns. They often rely on our immediate responses, responses out of fear, guilt or shame. Most of the time no response, or no, will reveal them for who they are. Patterns like DARVO for one, and The Drama Triangle.

    My mind used to be all over the place, but thats how I dealt with what I was going through, by not dealing with it. Shut everything off, but only keep the mind open. Full time concentration. It has only since I have been in a safe place where I have relaxed, and realised I dont have to concentrate all the time. What I have also realised and am learning is how to respond to the infrequent emotionally immature communications from the abusers. Sometimes I think it would be better to block them, cut them off at source, other times, like Harry , it could just be important to be able to keep an eye on them, especially if other people might be in danger because of them.

    I love how the power shifts in that last Harry Potter book, revealing to us all what it takes to have power over those who we have been terrified of. It starts with being more self aware, slowing down, and realising that we dont have to respond, crucially also Harry found this more able to do in places where he was safe. Surrounded by those who love and support him and also in safe distance. When we change. When we see. We see something different. We see that we have power.

  • Healing is like an iron clad onion

    The first layer is the toughest to crack.

    It took something major for me, it might do for you

    To admit, finally.

    To creak open that iron clad exterior

    That protector.

    That protective layer.

    That thing you’ve been using to hide everything vulnerable inside.

    Staying busy

    Helping others

    Survival of the responsible-ist

    until it cracks

    reveals a tiny slither of the next layer

    soil. Brown dirt. Mess.

    The clean up is about to start.

    The recent pain – on the exterior, just under the surface.

    Time to get it clean.

    Cleanse. Brush it off. Wipe.

    But what’s that smell? discovering that the core is trying to make itself known

    An energy that pushed open the iron clad skin

    The voice from within

    Healing is like an iron clad onion

    Seeing new layers

    Having them shed

    peeling them away

    being pushed from the core

    New layers all the time

    Codependency, Emotions, Fears,

    Layers of pain

    stop to let tears flow

    they do

    they will

    Work to remove

    Sometime need professional chefs to prize them open

    Therapists with a culinary hand

    and time

    to gradually peel off some

    very

    slowly

    carefully

    ones that

    have hidden

    for decades

    Voices.

    Abuse.

    Feelings.

    Shame.

    Fear.

    Layers that are labelled.

    That hide the core.

    A loving, caring hand to hold, and peel the layer.

    Revealing the next.

    Healing is like an iron clad onion.

    Exposing the next layer

    Raw, Vulnerable

    Getting closer to it each time. Holding

    it tenderly.

    Not beating the onion like an egg, or treating it like a tennis ball.

    Held lovingly.

    Gentle.

    Not rushing.

    Healing revealing

    new layers to peel.

    New parts to heal.

    Flesh wounds

    Hurts.

    Heart.

    That stopped beating.

    Hidden

    Healing is like an iron clad onion.

    With a core wanting to be revealed

    Wanting to be

    Just be.

    Not covered

    in layers

    Free

    to

    be

    again.

  • Abusive Mothers: Some Children do ‘ave them

    (More than as as society we would want to admit)

    Culturally we have a problem with admitting and accepting that birth mothers are abusive. Its bad enough trying to go against the myth that they couldn’t be loving, kind and supportive.

    Abusive fathers feature in films, books and TV series. I noted one the other day, the hero/sporty trope as Troys dad in High School Musical, there are many others. (watch it again, not just for the music)

    Abusive Step Mothers appear onto the scene to wreck the idyllic lives of Disney characters – see Cinderella for one.

    Children have to overcome the loss of their real parents, (Cinderella again), and also Harry Potter, and these are replaced by abusive guardians. I couldn’t call them care givers, they dont care., at least not about anyone but themselves.

    When Mothers are seen to be abusive, theres often a mitigating factor, Dad is also abusive, they are alcoholic, they had their own issues, both current, and historic.

    Its as if there has to be a reason that a person, a mother especially, would not be caring, supportive etc.

    On Twitter Laura Corbeth shared this the other day, it struck a chord. Its as if we’re still not ready for the conversation.

    Its even as if there is mounting evidence of narcissistic, sociopathic, bullying women in society, in politics for one, but the thought that even these bullies in the workplace would be different for their kids…

    Some of those myths I wrote about in this post.

    Abusive Mothers exist. Some Children do ‘ave them.

    So, whilst I compare notes of the children’s fiction stories I have read in the last few months there has been one key difference. There is no doubt to me that Harry Potters development is about overcoming trauma, of the death of his parents, and also the physical, emotional and neglectful abuse of his appointed guardians.

    Roald Dahl is brave, and in his fictional story ‘ Matilda’ he casts the main character as the survivor and flourisher within a myriad of toxic relationships. The Driven, Crooked, Dad , the blonde, passive, materialistic mother who plays pacifier, but not protector. There is also the abusive Headmistress who Dahl gives away the strategy for all bullying behaviour. Do it so that it is so shocking. Anyway, back to the parents. They are her Parents.

    What they do is split up the children. There is only two of them.

    The other brother is mediocre but the favourite, high expectations.

    Matilda, is younger sister, has hidden talent, is highly clever, and realises that she has to make it through life alone, with no support, encouragement, resources – and on the back end of criticism, neglect, and no emotional support whatsoever ever.

    It may be said that the Dad is the stronger of the abusers in the story, but what it does show is that the nurturing supportive mother is utterly lacking. As I said above, the reasons for this may well be that Matildas mother is in the shadows of the domineering narcissistic entitled father. But theres no attempt that Matildas Mother does little other than reveal the depravity of her father to Matilda.

    In this good reads list, Matilda appears as one of few books in which Abusive Parents are described.

    In this piece, the author describes the signs that you have an abusive mother.

    They include:

    • Constant criticism
    • Eratic responses
    • Shame and guilt to manipulate
    • Being blamed for her situation
    • The silent treatment
    • Its your job to keep her happy (or ‘the peace’)
    • Nothing you do is good enough for her
    • You had to earn things you received (or had to beg, because it was what was needed only)
    • No Privacy
    • Speaks in an aggressive or belittling way.
    • Wont allow you to be yourself

    Theres alot more in the article. Theres more that I would add to this and ive written about them in my survivor story.

    Its difficult to comprehend if your parents are half decent (none are perfect) , at least some element of maternal, supportive, nurturing. Maybe Its because Its seems so out of the ordinary that it becomes difficult to comprehend.

    I remember watching other children in nursery running to their mums as they came to collect them. So that means I didnt. I knew. As Ive written before I did just know, but as a child there was no way out, and no way of being able to describe it.

    Gaslighting

    Walking on Eggshells

    Toggling between abuser and victim like a light switch

    Having no empathy

    Taking no responsibility for the nature of the relationship

    Blaming others.

    Being accused of things that are so untrue – Matilda the great reader of books resented being told she was ignorant and stupid, when she was actually a genius.

    Sometimes, for me, I wonder if it would have been easier to turn up at school hiding bruises. The one off hit. The physical obvious mark. Emotional abuse is far more difficult to articulate. Especially when the perpetrators of it are good at invalidating the victim first. Matilda’s Dad had already sounded out to the abusive headteacher. They triangulate to force the victim into silence, and instils fear and division so that you get to feel utterly alone, and bewildered. Im not sure which books read to enable her to see the patterns, or whether she just responded to the abuse each time. But it can take years to articulate, even if everyone knew. And Im not negating anyone who is physically abused, not in the slightest.

    If this has been your struggle, then theres resources above to help you identify, if you know of a child who is in this situation, then this list of books may help them to become more self aware emotionally in the midst of a damaging situation. It will all help.

    The problem of abusive parents is something we have to take seriously, and spot the signs in the child.

    Its a reality we just doing want to believe. But for the sake of so many children, and now grown up adults. We must.

  • Growing though Trauma (personally and collectively)

    Growing though Trauma (personally and collectively)

    In my last piece I shared a little about how we love ourselves through healing, what it means to be kind on ourselves, as we do so, forgiving our missteps, not over dwelling on the tiny attempts to try that fail in the bigger picture of overall healing. Today I have come across this concept. Post Traumatic Growth, after reading this tweet.

    The staggering thing for me is that this is only 10%.

    But then again, I realise that looking back how many times in the last 10 years I ignored the warning signs. How scared I was to try and deal with things that I couldn’t describe. How I thought I could just ‘keep going’ and be ok (a trauma response in itself).

    Thats me overthinking to the point where it was ‘safer’ and ‘easier’ to stay stuck, swirling in the muck of abusive relationships.

    Healing is undoubtedly about growing, and changing. As you change, others around you either do, or dont, and reveal themselves through their actions (even if their words say something different).

    And to anyone reading this, especially, but not exclusively men, – lets not be afraid to change, and become a better version of ourselves.

    That ‘self-help’ guru that you dismissed in your criticism, that you now have to admit is right… thats ok. Humble pie is good, when it means that you are healing too.

    That breakdown, that illness, that continual knowing ache… might be the sign and symptom that is trying to tell you something, that something isn’t right, and a reason to stop.

    One of the key factors in helping me to grow, was that 2 of the friends who walked with me through the easiest time had also been through therapy, had also experienced what I had in different ways. They were the wise guides, showing me paths that I could take (though never forcing it).

    I recognise some of myself in this article. I have been relentlessly optimistic about my own capacities since I was about 11 and a strong, if coherent, sense of self, even in the difficult times, and doing lot of practical and written tasks to keep going, though I also know that my coping styles were avoidance , not wanting to deal with things. Maybe thats a key one for us all.

    Learning to turn around and face the trauma.

    To name it, see it, and understand it for what it is.

    To deal with the root thats been nagging away.

    It was for me. Maybe it is for you.

    Theres definitely no sense of ‘look at me ive made it’ as I write, dealing with trauma is an ongoing struggle, healing and recovery takes time, and requires so many new, daily moments of inner work. Its too simple to say ‘What doesnt kill you makes you stronger’, too trite. As in this piece..

    But as stories and literature often reveal, it is possible not only to recover from trauma, but to actually grow from it and flourish. Suffering has long been romanticized in literature, art, and folklore as transformative and empowering. There is an element of truth to this concept. But it needs to be looked at more closely. Simply experiencing suffering and trauma does not guarantee that you will become a better, stronger person for it. This attitude is a trite and irresponsible one that men for centuries have used as an excuse to abuse their children in the name of “toughening them up.”

    From Growth and Recovery through trauma in Psychology Today

    Also, this isnt trying to say that ‘if you do this, X happens’ , for me the growth happened in the process and took a lot of work. It’s not a promise, but it could be a new reality. Its about how to rethink the abuse, how to put ourselves in the centre of our lives, and this takes significant effort.

    Right now, approximately 50% of you who have experienced trauma are reading this and saying, “I’m supposed to be grateful for all the crud that happened to me? Each day, I struggle for even a modicum of what other people take for granted. There’s no amount of ‘growth’ that can stop me wishing this hadn’t been my life.”

    Post-traumatic growth is not a given. We’re not going to gloss over the long arduous road to recovery from trauma that for the most part does not feel victorious or courageous for those who are on it. However, at least 50% of survivors have found that they can begin to define themselves and their communities by their strengths and that in no small way these strengths have been forged by adversity.

    Taken from https://www.echotraining.org/the-promise-of-post-traumatic-growth-part-ii/

    “Out of the hottest fire comes the strongest steel.” – Chinese proverb

    My hope is that this piece is an encouragement to you. Not a burden of expectation. My hope is that it causes you to see what can be possible, what is possible. We dont choose the trauma we have experienced, but we can start t choose how we heal from them, how we live our lives from and beyond them. In the midst of it all, tiny shoots of green start to appear. They may be tender. They may be small. But they are there.

    Additionally: Since 2020 its not just a personal thing, trauma, whilst we have all experienced the effects of Covid in different ways, how we rebuild from it, healthily may have something to do with what our reactions have been during it, this piece on ‘Why PTG might be what we all need in 2021′ has some helpful insights in it.

  • Recovering and Healing (Part 7) Self-sufficient me had to ask for help.

    Recovering and Healing (Part 7) Self-sufficient me had to ask for help.

    I had no money, no job, no knowledge of where the next week was and was told to be out of my house.

    Self sufficient me.

    For the best part of the previous 18 months I had been trying to grow my own produce, carrots, herbs, chillies, potatoes, onions, courgettes, radishes, lettuces, peppers, garlic (40 bulbs) .

    For the best part of the previous 17 years I had been the person who helped others. The passionate supportive helpful youth and community worker. The person who wrote to be helpful. The quintissential but unhealthy Enneagram 2.

    For the best part of the previous 40 years I had had to deal with emotional trauma mostly alone.

    I had grown up, knowing that I had make life happen for me, the ‘internaliser‘ ‘The Mature for his age kid‘ , The person other people went to for advice. The person, who looked like they were ok.

    The person who struggled to know what they wanted or needed, though, because I was used to coping. Used to battling through. Used to survival.

    Used to not wanting other people to help me.

    Used to keeping people at arms length, especially when they asked any difficult question.

    I faced a choice. Being homeless, desperate and walking the streets, or asking for help.

    Being vulnerable.

    Having to ask

    I wasnt used to this.

    Survival and coping alone was my trauma response.

    I just had to ‘deal with it’

    I just had to ‘take responsibility’

    The abusers needs greater than mine. So I only hid mine.

    But now im at my lowest point.

    With nowhere to go.

    Something has to give. Something has to change. Lucky for me I chose the right person.

    I didn’t want to ask for help

    and… given my past – who would I ask?

    I was used to not doing so, the kind of ‘help’ in the past had been with strings attached, emotionally loaded, or met with ridicule.

    I was supposed to meet their needs.

    I had to let someone else..help me.

    That was one of my first lessons, that I had no choice but to learn, the hard way, with tears streaming. I have nowhere to live, no money, no job, and nothing

    Do you want to live with me?

    Was the response.

    Grateful.

    That I had asked.

    I didnt want to be a burden. I didnt want to look weak. I didnt want to ask

    I had no reference point to any of these things.

    I had always coped..tried to cope…or avoided.

    Learning to ask for help

    Learning to trust that I might have friends who might not think I was crazy.

    Learning to trust that I was deserving of help

    Learning to realise that other people might want to ‘be there’ for me.

    I didn’t have to be the strong one.

    Men, you dont have to be.

    (Neither do women either)

    It wasnt weak to ask for help. It was bloody hard and I didn’t want to

    It wasnt weak to need someone else.

    I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t.

    Survival alone, and not asking for help, was my trauma response.

    Self sufficient me, was now not alone. Self Sufficient me began to realise that he was actually loved. Self sufficient me, began to be in community.

    All I needed to do was ask. Yet it felt like the hardest thing to do in the world.

    To say. To admit. To ask.

    To ask for help. That was one of the many things I had to begin to do, from Rock bottom.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 18) Terrified by breakfast table Jesus.

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 18) Terrified by breakfast table Jesus.

    Christ is the Head of this house

    So far, in parts 1-17 of my story of what I needed to do to survive psychopathic parenting, I have talked alot about emotional abuse, emotional neglect, narcissism and the drama triangle, and the eggshells that had top be continually walked upon. I haven’t really talked about the spiritual weaponising that associated all of this as I grew up.

    At the same time as all of the events I have described went on, it was all occurring in a ‘home’ that outwardly professed to be a ‘Christian’ one. So much so, that for most times in my life I would have said ‘I grew up in a Christian home’ . Now id say I grew up in an abusive home and my parents also had an evangelical faith.

    What did this mean?

    It meant that I grew up with a distorted sense of God.

    ‘Family’ mealtimes of course included ‘saying grace’ – but also this ritual meant having to be ‘serious’ and ‘saying grace properly’ – and at times having to be thankful for food that was delivered with little care or value.

    Breakfast was accompanied by an elongated daily bible reading – usually ‘Our Daily Bread’ and lengthy prayers by the parents afterwards.

    The unseen guest

    Prayers that were often messages, sorry, prayers that were messages of morality to us as children. Im not going to say that they didnt pray for exams or issues (that they knew about) – but thats not really what I remember. This time was enforced on me (us as it included may sister too) , it was as important as the eating part.

    It enforced daily that God was on their side. It enforced daily a time that they projected outwards to keep casting moral messages to us as children. They knew God, God was on their side. God was a weapon they used to control our behaviour.

    The Silent listener

    ‘We pray that we (though looking at me) dont behave like the older child when the prodigal returned (on the brief occasion my sister started going to church)’

    ‘We pray that the lost are returned, and you accept us when we return (looking at my sister who had stopped going to church)’

    There were many that were worse than this.

    Im not sure that the writers of ‘Our Daily Bread’ had this in mind, when they ensured that evangelical parents were starting every day with this, and reading it publically in front of their children as a control, a weapon.

    Christ is the Head of this House

    The Unseen guest at every meal

    The Silent listener of every conversation

    Was hung bold and in a red (not green) background large and proud in the dining room.

    On a blood red background.

    In a place where it had to be walked past every day to get the kitchen, or to where our shoes were kept in the back room.

    It was put there as deliberately.

    God was on their side. God was to be terrified of.

    God was watching us. (he wasnt watching them)

    In his book ‘Ghost Ship’ A.D.A France-Williams writes…

    My mum would point to this piece of terror art and use it as a motif of her and Gods total surveillance. So whatever I was getting up to at home, I was being watched

    A.D.A France-Williams (2020)

    My mum would always sit on the side of the table nearest the kitchen. That may have been one reason. The other was that it meant that, as she dominated every conversation, that picture was in view behind her head. She didnt point to it, as the author of Ghost ship described. In my case the picture was to be as feared as its message.

    God was to be terrified of. He was no help in the emotional abuse, in fact he was on their side.

    A.D.A was right though. This was terror art.

    We were being literally watched.

    From being Sunday school leaders and Primary school dinner ladies. We were being watched.

    If we didnt behave in church that morning, or in Sunday school, there were repercussions afterwards.

    They were watching, God was watching. God was to be terrified of, because she was to be terrified of. The God who was said to be about love – was delivered by the parents with bucketloads of added fear, terror and morality.

    God was abused by them.

    As an older teenager , who fearfully stayed within the box, I remember going to one of the bigger christian festivals in the mid to late 1990’s, and someone there talked about ‘Father God’ and if what we might need do ‘if people have a poor image of God because of a damaged relationship with their Dad’. Which is all perfectly legitimate. But I wonder about what space there was to talk about a damaged relationship with God, because of the way that he was presented as a child. What about the effect an abusive mother who was a powerful evangelical woman, could have on the image of a child, a teen..and me? What about, as I know now, that God the father to me was unprotective, abused and also silent?

    As she damaged the whole family, doing so claiming that God was on her side.

    Fast forward 40 odd years to me writing this now. looking back, what did I do to survive?

    I did what I had to do, and that was try not to upset or go against them, or make things difficult for them. Those eggshells to navigate on the ground were multi facetted. I conformed, out of fear. And eventually, and only because they left that church, it could become a place of safety. (Yes, they left the church, thats been a common pattern ever since)

    Its no wonder I grew up with a large dose of evangelical fear and self loathing . I internalised all of that fear, guilt, shame. I hid myself, disconnected, and ultimately ran away as far, geographically as I could.

    Before then though, I had started to re think God. I felt home, and also something of a different God in places where I felt safe. However, I, took on the same devout faith as them, usually not because I wanted to, but because I thought it was make them proud or pleased of me. An impossible task, as I have realised now. Its what abuse does to you, you keep going back for more beatings even if you’re carrying a bunch of flowers, flowers you think they will like.

    I did discover that God was and is love. Though removing the shed skin of being traumatically terrified of God can be hard to shift.

    Im working on what faith is, beyond trauma, in the midst of reconnecting with myself all the time. Im learned that I dont have to keep going back to God with flowers to show my efforts. I can do what was always words sung, I can ‘be still’. Be still and know. As I’m learning to know myself, and to be myself, im discovering faith new again.

  • Recovering and Healing (Part 2); The book that saved my life

    Recovering and Healing (Part 2); The book that saved my life

    Ask yourself the question; ‘What book saved your life’?

    If you are in anyway spiritual, then it might be likely that a sacred text, the Bible or the Ko’ran might be the book that went some way to saving your life.

    But aside from a sacred text – can you name a book that , honestly, saved your life?

    Not just a good book, an inspiring book, a book that you’d take on a desert island.. but a book that saved your life? That had that much impact on you, that it literally saved you. Some of the stuff Matt Haig writes has had a profound impact, as has the cartoons of Charlie Mackay – but could you name a book that saved your life?

    I could.

    It was the first book I read as I started to heal. It was this one

    to buy it a link is here

    From the very first page, this book spoke in a language that I hadn’t heard before.

    It told me about me.

    It told me about what I had tried to cope with all my life.

    It meant that I wasnt alone.

    Nina makes these assumptions about the reader, writing on page 3:

    You are an adult child who has one or more self-absorbed parents

    You can feel ineffective much of the time in interactions with your parents

    You have been given the responsibility for your parents psychological and emotional well being and, either now or in the future, are expected to assume responsibility for your parents physical well-being

    You never feel that you have accomplished enough for your parent; what you do never seems to be good enough

    You experience numerous difficult situations and interactions with your self absorbed parent

    You are searching for ways to minimalist how your parents distressing behaviours and attitudes affect you

    You want to intervene to protect those nearest to you, such as your children, from the negative and distressing comments, put downs, criticism and the like that your parent continues to make

    Nina Brown, 2015

    Now, im not saying that each and every one of these was applicable when I read this book over 2 years ago. Without giving anything away, some very significant things have happened to enable these things to have happened in the last year (which makes looking at this list now, quite remarkable)

    But… over 2 years ago, this book saved my life.

    It is undoubtedly, direct a book, with an amazing title, one I needed to hear.

    It showed me that there were reasons why I reacted in the way I did.

    I read it at a time to try and understand why I struggled with conflict. What I discovered was a whole lot more.

    It showed me that how ever hard I had tried, it didnt matter.

    It enabled me to see myself. It also helped me to assess how I had been treated.

    And that it wasnt my fault.

    The book has exercises (rate your parents self-absorbed nature), and gives different types of self absorption, as well as then describing the principle ways of responding (fight/flight/freeze) and offering alternatives.

    In way some of those details did and didnt matter.

    I think though the reason that this book saved me, what what it meant, for me. It meant that I wasnt alone.

    It meant that I could be healed

    It meant that I didnt have to carry a burden I had unnecessarily carried

    It meant that a journey of healing had began.

    Maybe the book that saved your life might be a different one. It’s likely to be. Maybe the first self-awareness book you read in the recovery from abuse might evoke the same feelings for you. Not only do I thank the book for what it did, but also thank the person who saw my situation and recognised the patterns and traits, and gave me the book to read.

    ‘Children of the ageing self absorbed’ by Nina Brown – The book that saved my life.

  • Recovering and Healing (Part 1) Discovering Appreciation

    Recovering and Healing (Part 1) Discovering Appreciation

    Its such a trivial thing, I said to my therapist (almost as I put on my jacket to leave at the end of the first session)

    But I’ve realised how much I like to feel appreciated

    Me, early 2019

    ‘Its not trivial at all though is it‘, he said to me.

    When you’re appreciated, you know where you stand with people

    My therapist

    When you’re appreciated you know where you stand with people.

    I was used to trying to find appreciation

    Trying to please

    Then told I was trying too hard

    Not knowing where I stood, so in a relationship always continuing to try to do the next thing.

    A slave to uncertainty.

    A slave.

    Emotionally immature people dont give their certainty away often.

    So, it means that there’s unsaid expectations to keep trying, to keep trying to revolve around them, to try and meet an unexpected thing that doesn’t ever seem possible.

    Because it isnt possible

    Because that’s what they want you to do.

    To exhaust yourself.

    Appreciation from the emotionally immature, the sociopath or psychopath is often a manipulation to get you to do the thing they want you to do, or give you a rope to hang yourself on.

    Its never ; ‘You’ve all done really well fighting the virus, despite the corruption, narcissism and sociopathic entitlement of us, the Tory Government’ – but a continual blame of others.

    What I didnt realise was how important this was, being appreciated. What I didnt realise, until I was in a safe place and my friend thanked me for cooking a meal.

    I couldn’t take the appreciation. I shrugged it off. I wasn’t used to it.

    I hadn’t ever had it.

    Say thank you to someone at Companies House - GOV.UK

    A project was messy throughout its duration, but dont expect a medal for finishing it

    ‘Oh, do you want brownie points, just for cleaning the bathroom’?

    What I didn’t realise was how important something was, that I didn’t think was that important.

    Because, well, I got by without it. It was the way I had expected.

    Nothing right, nothing perfect, nothing good enough,

    I had given it to others, praised the young person for what they did, tried to appreciate staff in workplaces, but I know now how hard that was for me. It was easier to be critical and reflective, the hardest thing was to appreciate the work others did. Deep down it was coming from an empty place.

    Yet I thought it was a trivial thing.

    That I gave away to my therapist a few years ago.

    Its not trivial.

    The thing that you are trying to hide from, run from, or the thing that made you feel good for that moment.

    When the tears fall.

    And you, important human being, start to realise – from the simplest ‘Thank you’ , from the simplest ‘Thanks for cooking this’ that something inside felt, cracked, and was safe to reveal itself as tears.

    This meant that I could stop. I didnt need to add more, cook more, try harder next time, make a three course meal…

    It meant I could stop and enjoy it.

    I could stop, certain.

    So

    Notice.

    A therapist helped validate, legitimate this.

    Notice what happens when you are treated well.

    how do you respond?

    From day 1, a few friends and then a therapist were the spaces I needed to feel safe, safe to feel, safe to reveal myself.

    Realising how important it is to be appreciated.

    Realising how uncertain, how abusive relationships are when this is absent.

    Realising this in structures, workplaces and ministries too.

    That was one of the first things I learned, felt in my healing and recover journey. It started from day 1 in a safe place, and continued as I reflected in Therapy a few months later. Join me in future articles as I share some of my healing and recover journey, the concepts that were key for me, the learning and reflecting I did. Some of these I shared in real time on my other blog, 2 years ago. (Please do follow and like to keep up to date with this series)

    ‘Being appreciated’ that was one of the first things I had to feel, to embrace, to hear, in the process of rebuilding.

    It’s important. And

    So are you.