The darkest of blue skies awaits the coming fire.
Expectant.
The Earth will turn, the Sun will soon show itself.
Turning moment by moment
Sun peeking.
Making its presence known
Making its warmth felt
Making its colour radiate
Fire within, Fire outwith
Expectant deep blue sky
Morning chorus calling forth
Life, Love, Heat and Joy
The making of today’s day.
‘You shouldn’t doubt yourself, you’re really good at’
Aww shucks, thank you
But when those voices return
Those ones
You know the ones I mean
Every action, every creative, public action is a huge sap of energy
Self doubt shouts with a megaphone from the recess of the mind
Ive been fighting my own voices for a few months now
Maybe for a few longer
I used to pretend that they weren’t there, but they just lay dormant
‘You’re no good at this’
‘You never make it work’
‘You’re not as good as _________ at it’
‘are you sure this is you?’
‘Faker’
‘Dont have ideas beyond your station’
The voices
Self doubt merges into paralytic self criticism
But then again, its no surprise is it?
The Trophy child, on display
All the work, no pay
A childhood ground on expectation, rules and shame
With only a few teachers to point me in the right direction
Relying on my own head to survive, the voices I can tell myself
Those voices I can do this – despite
I can be something – without
I can make it – on my own
Survival voices, from an unsafe land. Maybe that was it, so much energy taken up in trying to survive, self protection, understanding, trying to please, that there wasn’t space to actually be good at something, to be creative.
Compliments and encouragement I find hard to trust, easier to dismiss than believe them, I know you mean well.
It may be easy for you to tell me that I shouldn’t doubt myself – it really isn’t easy for me, I know you mean well
The effort to doubt my own self doubt, keeping the darkness at bay
realising that actually, the darkness might be a friend too, it wants to tell me something.
The battle in my mind, doesn’t need more weapons.
It’s not a fight. Its a reminder
A reminder to remember, who I truly am.
That I am not the voice. That those voices need not over power me.
A reminder towards love. A reminder towards awakening.
A reminder towards heart. A reminder towards soul.
That I am is more than I can.
Every time I click onto my ‘WordPress’ app on my phone it gives me a different question prompt for the day, as an example, todays is ‘What do you know about where you live’ , and normally, because there’s often a few hundred answers recorded and I dont always want to answer it, I ignore it.
Yesterday however I was about to. It asked the following question:
What positive emotion do you feel the most often?
I looking at this whilst I was out and about shopping in the morning, and so it occupied my thinking around Morrisons.
My mind went to times of deep content and happiness, about the times of being at peace and still, about times when I feel safe and loved, and I smiled a little reflecting on these as I was doing my food shopping. It felt good to have a bank of experience of good feelings and emotions to draw from.
So I nearly answered the question.
But then I stopped myself. A tiny bit.
I realised that as I was thinking about the question I had fallen into a bit of trap.
in which I was labelling ‘good’ emotions and ‘bad’ emotions – or positive feelings and negative feelings. (and I know emotions and feelings are slightly different but im using them interchangeably here)
And by doing so giving so called ‘bad’ feelings a further reason to avoid them or feel fearful of them, if they are ‘bad’ then I can have reason for feeling shame for having them – anger, fear, distress, frustration, grief , yet these are all part of the human experience – more so – they are part of your and my collective humanity.
I have had to dig deep over the last few months, circumstances that ill not disclose, have caused me to face a number of situations, that have required intense emotional energy, both in fearing, in feeling injustice and feeling horrified, angry and grief.
I know in the past I would have faced difficult situations with a Stoical ‘I will survive’ kind of mentality, or dismiss my own feelings at the time, for others, or project anger or grief elsewhere (Twitter was great for this). More often I would avoid the feeling, it was shameful and unsafe to have them. I had internalised that having feelings made me a bad person. So ‘Im Ok’ would suffice.
By being stoical and ‘avoiding’ the deep emotions and feelings – that included anger, anger that revealed grief, and grief that meant loss, I would keep all of that buried underneath. I couldn’t have feelings, and definitely not ‘so-called’ bad ones.
But suppressing feelings and emotions – meant not experiencing life, its goodness and beautiful moments too. As I read recently Sensitive by Hannah Jane Walker, she described the effect on a child of having parents who nurture or ignore a Childs emotions and their expression of them. My parents stole my emotions, to comfort themselves and keep up pretences. The more I realise this, the more that I understand the complex nature of what I have had to work through to be better and healthier emotionally, for myself and others.
Back to digging deep, I have days when I can sense that I feel unsettled, out of kilter- mainly also because I have an experience of days in which I feel calm, content and happy too – I can sense that there is ‘something’ and nagging feeling – and I can make a choice as to what I do with it, and I know there are days when I dont want to. I know there are days when I become afraid of what I might be feeling or wanting what is behind it to reveal itself.
I am never upset for the reason I think
Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth (Taken from A course in Miracles)
The temptation , because of learned behaviour, would be for me to avoid whatever it is. It’s more than likely to be be painful. At least that what ‘that voice’ says in my head. Those days then become a bubbling pot of anxiety and forgetting to breathe. They do more damage in, than out.
I wonder if the problem isn’t the feeling or the emotion itself, but our relationship to it, and the means in which we have to express these healthily.
So the labels of ‘good’ feelings and ‘bad’ feelings aren’t helpful, they are what they are – feelings.
They happen, and it is better to notice them, feel them and find ways of giving them healthy air.
If you’re anything like me then you may have felt unsafe expressing your feelings or found a way to talk your way out of them, suppress, deny and invalidate.
So it makes it more of a challenge to do this when feelings get associated with judgement like good or bad. Ironically – a ‘bad’ feeling about something.. might be a good natural early warning sign – that you can choose to ignore or do something about – it’s a protective good thing, potentially.
I was wondering whether there might be a better way of ‘collectivising’ feelings and emotions- could they be like tools in a shed, or toolbox – different feelings appropriate and used in different ways – but this metaphor almost give the impression that when we see a need we can choose the right tool, but feelings can be more intuitive and instinctive than this, its not a matter of picking the right feeling for the occasion, its that those feelings accompany the occasion or situation, and its important to adopt a healthy relationship with the feeling.
How do you respond when you can sense the feeling? Does a critical voice tell you off for being joyful at something you felt joy happening? or a voice tell you that you’re not supposed to feel a certain way? Because, you are allowed to. It’s totally natural. Totally. But that voice suggests that it’s not valid, not to be trusted. A feeling, is just that a feeling, and whilst it’s not to be fully trusted every time, it’s equally not to be dismissed or ignored either – or invalidated. It is neither bad, nor good, it is what it is.
Those feelings aren’t bad, but need appropriate attention and releasing, space and warmth to accept them, to become friends with, to feel them as they are, in all the human messiness and complexity. There is no shame in feeling, there are no bad feelings.
But, there are pretty awful things that we can do, because of giving into anger, fear or grief, and thats something different altogether.
Thats what I talk about in this, my latest video – do give it a watch. (apologies for reposting, Its a new video….same title as before though!)
Thank you, please do like and subscribe and share!
Thats the subtitle of my latest short You Tube Video.
Do give it a watch and share – thank you
All change requires courage.
Changing trains means taking the steps to get off one, trust the timetable (online), wait on the platform and get on the next one.
Courage.
Because if change starts with ourselves.
Then we need to be brave.
If change starts with me.
Then I have to be brave.
I have to have courage…and act.
If I want freedom, I have to be.. courageous..
Courage to be vulnerable to realise that I needed help.
Courage to believe I had enough worth to seek help.
Courage to do something for myself.
Courage at the point of desperation..to seek help.
What have you done to realise your own bravery?
Courage to accept the situation… but not give in to it.
Courage to surrender…and respond
Courage to be strong by accepting weakness
Courage to be real and truthful…to yourself
Courage to emerge a tiny bit, from the shadows and prisons of abuse and expectations, denials and fear.
Courage to realise your own strength
Courage to create your own life
Create your own story.
Courage to assume importance, if being used to being invisible.
Courage to accept defeat.. when trying to win has become exhausting.
Courage to be mediocre… if perfection has rid you of spark and soul
Courage to be self confident.. if doubt and criticism has weighed you down
Courage to be disliked… if rescuing others and people pleasing has been your default
Courage to be you.. in all your wondrous glory.
Courage to cry. Courage to hurt.
Courage to fucking listen to whatever you want to
and dance in the kitchen like no ones watching
as the tears stream down.
Courage to express. Courage to turn it into art.
Courage to confront the darkness.
Courage to be tender…to yourself
Courage to forgive….yourself
Courage to love…. yourself
Courage to live in peace
Courage to feel.
Courage to stop…thinking..and breathe..
Courage to see you..and not your thoughts as you
Courage to live life in colour and not shades of stone grey.
Courage to give fertiliser to your soul.
Courage to believe in your soul
Courage to dream and follow the dream
Courage to see the gifts of the universe and believe in them
Courage to be Happy.
Courage to turn off the lies.
Courage to believe in the truth.
Courage to believe in love.
Courage to believe in yourself. That wounded precious beautiful you. Its time to realise that you were more right that you were led to believe. Courage to not believe these lies…any more.
Courage to Smile, when its easier to frown and complain.
Courage to do the difficult , when doing the easy makes no sense anymore.
Courage to be slow… when addiction to speed is the norm.
Courage to create, rather than stimulate.
Courage to be. Courage to live. Courage to love.
Courage to walk and not give up, courage to be self compassionate, courage to have some self pride.
Daily courage, fighting courage, determination.
The path of Courage. Its going to be ok, and you are beautiful. Its going to be beautiful and you are more than ok. One and every action at a time.
Courage to believe that you are free. And be free.
Courage to walk, enjoying that freedom.
Its time, my friend, to walk free again.
As you were born and supposed to be.
I really enjoy cooking.
Through Im not exactly sure where this enjoyment came from. Yes I learned to cook in my twenties, though I do recollect cooking at school and also making myself food at times from the age of 15-16. I do vaguely remember not being able to cook a roast dinner, but realising that I could cook other things at the time. In my Oasis gap year I remember some horrific cooking moments, but I dont remember what I cooked, but I must have done so.
So, any way, bottom line, is it kind of just happened.
Oh and I do remember the ‘cult’ TV programme at the time was ‘Ready Steady Cook’ , 30 minutes of supposedly spontaneous responsive cooking with chefs only being able to use the contents of a carrier bag… oh and an entire cupboard of butter, vinegars, oils, spices and herbs… so maybe this was one place where the interest was sparked…
For as you may have read previously, it wasn’t as if I was blessed by growing up with someone who loved cooking, valued or delighted in it, in fact the opposite…
Anyway, up to the present.
I became a vegetarian over 3 years ago, a month after I moved into my own flat, primarily for health, cost, environment and also ease of cooking reasons. It had been something I had been close to being for a long while.
One of the key learning points in the life journey that I have been going on, and it affects the way I treat my body, including what I eat, has been to value myself, and so generally I have tried to cook myself decent, healthy food, even if I am only cooking for myself on a day to day basis.
That’s weird. Im not ‘only’ cooking for myself. I am not an only. I am important.
Cooking nice food feels quite a therapeutic action, and equally cooking nice, healthy food that I can readily eat on a work day has been so important.
What I also do is ensure that I sit up to the table to eat, as if to say the this is a good valuable practice for myself to value the routine of eating. I heard this tip years ago and have stuck to it, mostly.
I also sort of accidentally discovered batch cooking. Although I have had a fairly good kitchen, I have only 2-3 pans, including my favourite, a large red cast iron pot that I bought for £25 (reduced from £110). Ive never had a microwave.
Part of my cooking joy is to try new recipes, and be inspired by others. Like these sweet potato wraps which Christelle and I found the recipe for.
Yet, a reality of day to day is that sometimes it is just easier for me to cook my staple vegetarian favourites. I usually ‘cook’ fresh on a Saturday and/or Sunday – and then I have 2,3 or 4 pots left over of each dish for the fridge or freezer, and this gives me meal size portions which I try and remember to get out the freezer on the morning, to reheat and add pasta, rice or potato to. It doesn’t always work like this, for example yesterday I cooked fresh. And maybe on my last working day of the week, used to be Thursday, is now Friday, I might cook something.
I thought I would share with you a few of my ‘go-to’ dishes, that I would regard as vegetarian batch cooking. I pack my food usually with lots of spices. I have a cupboard full of them, but also sometimes I end of throwing away stale ginger or growing garlic, any ideas own what I can do to preserve these? – comments below – (chillis I freeze) .
2. Sweet Potato Curry. Ill keep it simple, its this recipe. I stick to it, its phenomenal and I make this easily on a monthly basis.
Delicious magazine Chickpea and Sweet potato curry recipe
3. Some kind of vegetarian sausage bake. This doesn’t have a name, but its a combination of frying onion, garlic, celery and carrots, then peppers, adding this to chopped fried vegetarian sausages, adding spices such as paprika, smoked paprika, chilli, herbs, and lentils too, then tomatoes, chick peas and whatever beans I fancy, usually butter beans and kidney beans. This recipe ensures that one sausage pack can go 4-5 meals, and it has lots of vegetables, beans and lentils in it. It doesn’t look pretty, but then again, not everything has too. Reheat, with pasta or potato, and add cheese too…
4. Vegetarian Chilli. Same as beef chilli but with Quorn Mince.
5. Lentil and vegetable bake. The recipe for the end of the month, when all I have actually left in the fridge is carrots, celery and onion – so they get combined, with lentils, stock, spices and puree, and then there’s 3-4 meals, to add with pasta.
6. Vegetarian Ramen.
Ok so not strictly a batch dish, as realistically it can only be reheated fresh, But this is good for the increase vegetable and egg content, for vitamins and protein. I make this a variety of ways, so its difficult to describe. Usually fry onion, ginger, chilli, maybe fresh coriander, add Chinese five spice and soy, add stock, simmer, add veg like peppers, broccoli, carrots. Pre boil eggs and if feeling adventurous fry some pak choi. Then either add to the liquid on pack of noodles, or boil these separate. Serve by putting some soy in a bowl, add liquid/veg, then noodles and eggs, pak choi and then top with coriander, green onions, sliced chilli or dried chilli…
It’s not a quick dish, and yes its on the more expensive, though it doesn’t use any vegetarian ‘meat’ which saves a bit of money. Neither doesn’t it reheat that well compared to the others, the best way ive found is to just keep the ‘juice’ and freshly boil the veg and noodles each day.
As well as cooking food, watching food shows has been something ive done a lot of for a number of years, maybe that’s for another piece. This one is a bit of a crossover of reflecting on how my cooking reflected my internal view of myself, how I had to internalise feelings of positivity for myself, my body and health and then my eating habits changed considerably. Other ‘diets’ I tried did work temporarily, but many of these were from a place of self denial. I was also inspired by this short piece on the BBC yesterday on batch cooking, so I thought id share what I do, and also ask for any inspiration from you for vegetarian batch dishes I could try, please do comment below.
I love cooking, please do inspire me with your food and photos!
Storms are a matter of perspective
So is the rain
In terrential rain my plane took off from Newcastle airport on Saturday morning, the rain streaming down the windows as it taxied along the tarmac
As it took off, yes there was a tiny bit of extra turbulance through the low lying cloud
The cloud become whiter and whiter as the plane ascended
The windows in got brighter, the light shine
Above the clouds, blue, bright sky.
White clouds
Rain is about perspective
Pain is about perspective
Shame is about perspective
Seeing rain from above, changes things
Rain can’t be avoided but can be pushed through, to see what’s above, to see rain from a distance
Like rain and clouds, I am not pain, or shame, or emotions,
I..just..am
I am the watcher , I am the life that can make new things happen, I am life that can be compassionate towards myself
I am the watcher than can see.
In the continued path of self compassion the flight gave me to opportunity to sense and feel the wonder of the universe, clouds from a different perspective. May
May I feel the joy and wonder of the universe, may I choose to love myself in the midst, in the clouds and above the rain and storms. May I experience the deep joy and gratitude of being myself.
Its was time for a change.
Why… you maybe ask?
Because I was hiding.
Hiding and making myself confused.
I figured , that it was time to just be me.
Time to just be me, and not think
‘How is this helping others’
Not that I dont want to help others
But trying to help others, was making me confused, making writing not what I wanted to be any more.
But it was safe.
Safe to hide behind ‘Learning from the Streets’ or ‘Healing for Men’
Safe to be a ‘thing’ and not to be me.
Safe to hide.
Yet most of the time I was writing about me, as you know from the stories I’ve shared above.
But I want to write a whole load more, a whole load more about life, about my life, about who I am, and the mystery of it all, and I want to be free.
Free myself from trying to be helpful.
Because its time.
For me, to be me.
And keep writing from my heart, soul, mind and spirit.
And own it.
‘The known has gone and the unknown awaits – the story ends and the story begins, over and over, as we dangle eternally in the present’. There is nothing more to add, and there is always a little more. Life spills over’
Matt Haig, How to Stop Time (2017)
Its time. Now is the time.
Time to be me, and proud of me.
Time to not hide in the shadows of someone else’s story.
Time to live, Time to life.
Are you in it, or watching it?
Its time for me, to be in it.
The spillages of life bubbling over
Life in all its warm, vulnerable, exposed, fullness
Life in all its beauty, colour and vibrancy
Life in all its meaning, truth and mystery
Life in all its wonder, pain and death
Life, in, real time, in the now of all its full ness.
Its time.
Its time for me to be me.
Now is the time.
Its Time.
The Queen is here
And a Giant is here
And I am here
frightened
and I am in the Queens house
and I am Big
Wrote a little blonde me aged 5 – about 7 months after I had visited Buckingham Palace on my 5th Birthday.
The Queen featured 4 times in my early writing
She was featured more times than any other person, except for my sister and parents.
I wrote about going to the Queens house
The Queen came with me to my friend Lois’s house too
and the sun shone and there was a rainbow
and the sky is blue
and I had lots to say and describe
and it looked like this:
I discovered my childhood writings last year, my first primary school writing book, after remembering a box of items my late grandmother has set aside for me, or my aunts had given me to look through. This is where my writing history began. Its also a psychologists dream. What did little James actually write, aged 5?
I found that I wrote about the Queen, I wrote about rainbows, and I wrote about having fun at other peoples houses. I wrote about going to the Queens house.
I wrote about feeling big at the Queens house. Where there was a giant.
Today too as write this aged 44, the sky is also blue and it is raining and there is a rainbow.
RIP Our Queen, My Queen, the person who made me feel safe from the giants, who made me feel big.
And not just me.
Thank you.
James Ballantyne 