James Ballantyne

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  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 24) Stealing and Hiding what I needed

    Theres something interesting that happens when you are told as a child messages like:

    ‘Were not going to spoil you’

    ‘He’s asking too much ______ (insert my Dads name)’

    ‘No’

    ‘You dont need that’

    ‘You’re not allowed to ask for this I had it as a child and hated it’ (with reference to music lessons or a school holiday)

    ‘I know what you need and it isnt that’

    ‘You know we can’t afford that’

    ‘you’ll only ruin that if you had one’

    ‘You dont look after things so why should you have one’

    ‘You can go to your friends house to play on theirs, we’re not spending money on that sort of thing’

    What do you do?

    A number of things happen.

    If you imagine that those phrases above are not just said, theyre shouted back to you, by the same person who terrifies you every day. Then the best strategy is never to ask. So as a child the best thing was not too. If it wasn’t for the 20p per week my gran sent up each week, and a comic, there was nothing. No pocket money. On one had this encouraged me to get jobs very quickly – paper rounds from age 13, babysitting asap – so that I didn’t have to ask, ever again.

    As well as growing up hiding my own needs, and wants. It meant there was a choice within this emotional neglectful abuse.

    Go without, or find ways of getting what I wanted without them finding out.

    oh you mean stealing then? I hear you say.

    Yes.

    This is confession time.

    Early in the mornings id wake up early, go downstairs and watch TV (wide awake club, wacaday) first thing, whilst the parents were upstairs (they had the same 7-730am routine every morning that involved radio 2 and the tea maker) – I stole money from my mums brown leather purse. I was probably between 7-10 at time time, I really cant quite remember, and I have no idea what I spent the money on – but at the start it was brown coins, then a few silver 5/10/20p’s and the odd 50p, the last time I did it there were alot of newish £1 coins in there, and I figured that one of them could go missing. And I didnt get caught. Or at least I dont remember getting caught. Or they knew and didnt say anything.

    Then id whisk the money upstairs in my pyjama pockets and into my money saving box very slowly, so the clinks weren’t heard.

    And it was adrenaline filled, naughty and yes, I was utterly terrified of being caught, but I did it all the same. For the purposes of completion, id say I stole the grand total of £5 in a few months.

    The other money I ‘stole’ was dinner money. Id often go hungry at school lunch to keep my dinner money, play football instead and spent some of it on the way home on crisps/chocolate and keep the rest.

    Then there was food. Because as you know, if youve read my story food was a thing. And I was usually starving after school.

    You can have two biscuits thats all. (for US readers I mean cookies, and when I mean cookies I mean small ones)

    was the mantra,

    from the age of 5 to the age of well…11?

    And a 9 year old needs more than a 5 year old. So after school I devised a mechanism of opening the fridge to get the squash/juice out, and then sneakily taking one of the more chocolate biscuits from it and putting it into my pocket. Id then probably make the drink, reload the fridge with the bottle, and then, and yes this is a bit weird, go to the downstairs toilet – just behind the kitchen, when I would combine eating the food and using the toilet, or at least flushing the chain. The less genius part of this plan was that I then put the wrapper of the bar under the washing machine.

    Something I completely forgot about 3 years later when the washing machine broke and there was maybe up to 40 wrappers under there. Each one gleefully taken, under her watchful eye after school days.

    A few times I vaguely remember eating teaspoons of syrup – I have no idea when this started but I forgot to wash these up, and no I didnt admit it, the punishment for this was that I wasnt allowed to stay in (with my sister) on a Sunday evening , so from then on we had to go to Sunday evening church with them. I just cant remember how old I was then – old enough to be left – but at that time the church thing was very confusing, as they were going to lots of different ones. Sarah im sorry, though Im sure it was me, I still to this day dont actually remember doing it on this occasion.

    I know I’m not the only person to have stolen things from their parents. Im not the only well known christian leader who has stolen money from their parents either, as Martin Saunders admits in his book ‘The Man you’re made to be’ – this confession of mine is 2 years in the making, since I realised I wasnt the only one.

    On one hand this was about doing things to try and get them back – a bit like Matilda – see what I could get away with.

    Another looking back is the repeated cycle of the taking, they (she) took from me emotionally (without anything in return) so I learned that get anything I had to take it – and hide it.

    The deeper thing in all this is that realising growing up without being able to express any needs or wants – for when I did I was labelled selfish, spoilt or demanding. Aged 8 you dont realise that these are projections. Aged 8 I do start to think that I am none of these things.

    So, they take, neglect and terrorise, then to survive was to either go without or take in return – then there was punishments for taking or not being grateful. Nice cycle.

    There was only 1 toddler in the house that threw spoiled tantrums. The Woman-child whose created orbit revolved around her needs, attention and wants. So there was no point trying to be a normal child. Taking was what I learned. I learned to take rather than ask, and hide.

    Its taken me a number of years of therapy and unlearning to realise the importance of expressing needs and wants, and to recognise that having a safe place to do so emotionally has been required. I went from hiding what I wanted, to fearing wanting, and feeling shame for wanting or needing things. All of these things buried deep underneath. I dont know what I need is a common thing for me to say, but I get there in the end. Undoing these patterns takes a very long time. By suppressing needs and wants, I became codependent – selfless and passive to the extreme.

    I had to learn that it isnt selfish to ask for what I need – what my soul needs – what my heart needs – and that I am allowed to have wants and needs.

    One hour later from posting the original piece above I realise that I could legitimately express a need /request for a job and funding, so if anyone could support me that would be great, the link is in the menu above.

    The other thing I realise is that the shame I felt for doing these wrong things and the internalised view of my own spoilt/selfishness was one of the key stimulus for my identity in the evangelical church. Escape and removal of sin/shame/guilt was what enticed me and kept me. But what I see now is that that stuff wasn’t mine to carry in the first place. It was

  • Pain, pain, go away

    Pain, Pain, go away

    Don’t come back another day

    Pain, Pain, hide away

    Don’t want to deal with you- till I say

    Pain , Pain, lingering long

    Ive always been, in the wrong

    Pain, Pain, go away

    I don’t want to deal with you – any day

    Bollocks to no pain, no gain

    What doesn’t kill you – hurts

    Pain drain, Pain numbs

    Pain in a box – hidden away

    wanted to avoid it

    numbed life with its haunting shadow

    The unexplainable pain lurking in the depth

    I dont want to see it

    I dont want to open the lid

    I dont want to deal with it

    So it doesnt have a name

    So it controls me

    It holds me

    Captive.

    Because its still there.

    It was always there.

    shrouded and tormented, lying dormant

    Unnamed, unseen, constant

    Avoid, run, distant

    My life stuck in a room with pain in its box.

    Trapped.

    Pain won’t go away

    Until I change, and open the box one day.

    Sit with it

    In the open

    Let others see

    Until I make the room safe to do so.

    Until I change

    Until I turn

    Unless I choose

    To not want it to control me anymore.

    Until I face it

    Expose it

    Realise that the pain is not mine to carry anymore

    Bring to the open, the pain that was lurking

    The pain I wanted to run from – I had to get closer to it

    Closer still

    Feel its raw burn

    Touch the wounds

    Cry

    Feel

    realise

    Let pain out

    see it

    experience it

    and

    look at it

    and know that I am not it

    It is pain – I am me

    know that I choose to accept it – I choose

    to feel it

    to name it, look at it and be separate from it

    I can speak to it

    Tell it what i want to do with it

    Not run away from it

    But tell it to go away

    Im not scared

    But it should be

    I am strong

    because I looked

    and felt

    and saw

    and faced

    and survived

    Pain pain go away – your turn to run.

  • We need to talk about Parental Stalking.

    Stalking, tends to be focussed on one type in the media. Men grooming young people, or partners in an abusive relationship. The day after I wrote this piece, I saw this one on the BBC website

    but it is defined as

    Stalking is defined as a pattern of unwanted behavior, directed at a specific person, which causes that person to change their routine or feel afraid, nervous or in danger. Examples of stalking behaviors include: Repeated, unwanted phone calls, texts, messages, etc. that may or may not be threatening.

    But it happens with Parents too.

    If you know, you know.

    They continue to watch.

    Doesnt matter if you think you got rid of them.

    They continue to watch.

    They continue to search

    They continue to find ways of interrupting.

    When you close them off from your life

    Even Parents.

    They are desperate to know everything about you

    They are desperate to be in the ‘know’

    As the ‘trophy’ child they were desperate to show me off – so this requires information

    The scapegoat child gets no time, is constantly harassed and their movements controlled

    Happens to each child in different ways at different times.

    They continue to stalk.

    Doing so in the name of ‘We’re just looking out for you’

    though more accurately its so that they can tell their friends about us, without actually having any contact

    It’s stalking and harassment.

    and its to unsettle and alarm.

    Because, what they also do, is give away that they are looking.

    They cant help themselves.

    In fact they love giving themselves away…

    Its like they want you to know that you’re still not safe from them.

    Its like they want you to know that that you’re being watched – and controlled

    Its like they still want to cause fear.

    Taken from Gloucestershire Police

    So they give themselves away.

    ‘I notice on facebook that…..’

    or

    ‘I dont think you should be having conversations about ……’ – things that they obviously saw on a you tube channel.

    or somewhere in an email – to you or to someone else.

    They set up social media accounts, to keep an eye on you, changing them often.

    It’s usually embedded in a different message, but they like to give away something to just let you know.

    Of course if you dont know, you might think im being paranoid – but thats the thing, if this hasn’t been what you have had to deal with you’re not likely to get it. Parental Harassment.

    Theres can be the weak mole in the family – usually the flying monkey

    The one who maintains contact with them – enough so that their inch is a proverbial HS2 of a railway scheme.

    The unsuspecting mole gets

    ‘We don’t hear from _______, have you heard from them’?

    ‘________ doesnt speak to us any more , are they ok?’

    ‘ Last time we saw _______, they we’re doing ______, is this still the case? ‘

    ‘I bet you’ve seen _____ since we have______’

    The favoured child is only favoured whilst they are the sharer of information and does what they want.

    The unsuspecting mole, faces the dilemma to say nothing. say no- and face a reaction. This can happen over phone, email or face to face- obviously. Or they give away all the information, because they are terrified too or that they cant see the issue for what it is.

    ‘But they’re worried about you’ you might say… thats what ‘normal’ parents might be like. It doesn’t work for the psychopaths and narcissist parents (or the emotionally immature as Lindsay Gibson writes). They dont possess these emotions in any genuine way- they worry about themselves and their reputation, they worry that they might be damaged, there is no genuine worry.

    They use other family members to get gossip about the person they are trying to keep track of. They go as far as using friends in the same way, and social media.

    They are probably reading this. And thats the thing, until you decide to hide everything and go completely underground they aren’t going to know. But what about living our lives and exposing them for who and what they are. Their behaviour is not my shame to carry.

    Parental Stalking does happen, and its something we need to talk about alot more.

    When it happens and you’re in the middle of it its terrifying.

    Yes, of course they deny it…. but then again… part of their pattern is to deny things, misremember things…

    So It’s time to talk about it, time to put it in the open.

    Time to state the horrors of what abusive parents will do to their own children.

    Has this happened to you? Have you experience of parents who stalk you?

  • Gap the Mind

    Gap the Mind

    Mind the Gap

    Between the train and the platform edge

    Mind

    the Gap

    Step over the gap

    But what about Gap the Mind?

    Yes, your Mind – Yes, my Mind

    Is it locked onto overdrive?

    Whats its thinking about today?

    Locked in past?

    Locked in future?

    Locked in sideways news?

    Tied up in a current drama?

    Relentless thinking

    All. the . time

    What do you think might happen if it stopped?

    Scared of the gap?

    A thinking mind is a safe one? is it?

    Because Im not thinking about the thing that gnaws at me

    What would happen… if there was a gap?

    Listen to the now of your mind

    Stand to one side of it

    notice – what is it thinking

    What is your mind thinking?

    Is it heavy – the thinking load?

    Whilst you are thinking – you are not here

    You are somewhere else

    Somewhere else …in time

    Somewhere else..in thought

    But not here.

    So stay here a moment.

    Sit..and notice the mind churn

    Take a moment from your mind – to look

    At something

    Anything

    Take yourself from your mind, to your eye

    To your hands

    To your nose

    To your body

    Feel it as it moves

    Especially slowly

    like a pen on paper

    a pencil on a card

    Create a gap

    Gap the mind.

    Nothing has disappeared.

    But you created a moment

    A gap, when you controlled your mind, and it didnt control you

    For a brief moment

    Try it again

    Gap your mind – and see what happens

    You are not your mind

    Make a Gap

    Feel the space between

    Let it flow

    Ill do it then

    If not when – what about now?

  • Naming my Shame

    I think I’m being abused

    I said

    Tentatively

    Because, I was scared to say it out loud

    Because, I didn’t want to admit it

    Because, I thought I’d be responsible for the abuse

    Because, it was always my fault

    Because, i couldn’t be abused, I’m male

    I think I’m being abused

    Is that a possibility?

    Yes. I think you are – said my friend

    How do you know?

    You’re being used, and lied to

    And you’re doing all the effort

    But I always have

    Accepting accusations that felt somehow incorrect

    Made to feel wrong, for doing nearly everything good

    Feeling always guilty or in trouble

    The shame of not being able to fix something I felt responsible for

    When the only person changing or holding responsibility was me

    Feeling responsible for the abuse my abuser chose to do

    Feeling powerless and trapped

    Accepting the abuse because somehow I was responsible for it

    If it’s nothing to do with you, it’s everything to do with me.

    I’m meant to be the strong one

    I’m meant to deal with things

    I’m starting to see what was happening

    I think I’m being abused

    I think that’s what’s happened to me my whole life

    I’m in clear air

    I can breathe

    But I had to start by saying it

    Naming it

    Making the unconscious, conscious

    Tentatively

    Even if others could see, I had to see it myself

    Slower to recognise what was happening to me, easy to see it others

    Your fish tank is dirty, as I was swimming through algae

    I think I can change

    I want to

    I want life

    I want to stay in clean air

    Breathing isnt a luxury

    Holding onto shame for so long, the shame of being abused.

    I needed help

    I needed to see

    I needed to name the shame.

  • They always leave a Trail (and its bigger than you imagine)

    We all do this, in whatever we do and however we are. As I am writing job application forms at the moment, I realise that I have an employment trail, and also a trail of where I have interacted with people, young people, my employers, stakeholders, churches, organisations and communities, as well as in personal friendships and relationships. We all leave a trail, sometimes its in places and in ways we can be proud of, sometimes in ways where we might wish it could have been better – but we all leave a trail, and, in the most part much of that trail we can look at, and leave in the past, yes there might be the one job or relationship that didnt go well, but if it was something we learned from and responded to….

    Abusers leave trails too.

    Trails of destruction all over the place- for most, if not all of their lives

    Trails of terror and damage – to most – but not all people

    But surely, someone would find out eventually? Surely they might get caught?

    You say that, but then again:

    And, for legal reasons Im not indicating that Johnson is abusive, but what I am saying is that his trail of behaviour has been well known – ie since school times. This image has done the rounds this week, but it could easily have done the rounds at any time in the last 10 years.

    Analysing the behaviour of a Public figure from distance is one thing, but what about the abusers in our more immediate circumstances, in families, communities and organisations?

    Trails are still there.

    Imagine the person you just started a relationship with – and their ex is on the phone telling you about what that person did before – do you believe them, or think that they are the hysterical one – what would the person you are in a relationship with want you to believe? What red flags do you miss? or ignore – and why do you ignore them?

    What about the person in the workplace who somehow manages to create division in settled teams and then manages to get promotions each time?

    What about the trails an abusive person in a family might leave as residues of toxicity and festering stink all around?

    They leave a trail. They always leave a trail.

    And what do they rely on – to maintain that trail?

    A few things.

    1. Dividing up people. This they do in a number of ways. Often they ensure that the people who have authority in situations only see their good side – and then those they abuse who are vulnerable and not believed. Another way is to keep people apart. It took a number of years for me to engage in conversations with my family about the parents – conversations that I was joining in on that others had already started. The Stories were all the same – everyone had been shamed, abused, belittled – and everyone had been divided.
    2. They can abuse everyone they meet, though they leave a trail with everyone. Usually its the cold, numb feeling, or its emails that dont make sense. Often charismatic but empty.
    3. Because of 1. They rely on moving around a lot. Keep the residue far far away.
    4. Another way of dividing people is the scapegoating and triangulation. Playing people off each other.
    5. Sympathy and Gossip. This works especially well in communities of faith, where sympathy and gossip sadly go hand in hand – but families too. If the abuser can generate enough sympathy from people and create a narrative where everyone else is the problem – and not be kept accountable for – then this divides. Whilst everyone else is the problem – then the trail isnt being looked out for.
    6. They rely on people being too scared to come forward. Too scared because they have been abused, too scared because they dont think they’ll be believed, too scared because of the damage that ‘it might cause’ – too scared because they have been made to think that they are alone – too scared also, because there abuser is now getting profile, is in a public position, is gaining power, in whatever way – whether its twitter followers, platform, role or status. Too scared also, because they know that their abuser will have a created fan club – who ride on their sympathy for them. So – the places where the trail has been left – stay silent. For the moment. But- there is a trail. (and theres a legal system thats expensive too)
    7. And others dont come forward…because they say they dont want to be part of the drama – their silence benefits the abuser.
    8. The trail can be so shocking – that silence is kept – because no one thinks you’re going to be believed. Stories that movies are made of in the years after. If it takes a year to get evidence from a high profile garden party, even in a mass communication age, no wonder other cases have taken years to get to court. But because no one suspected anything at the time – no one was looking…
    9. “they couldn’t do that – they’re a (insert respected profession) ‘
    10. ‘I cant believe a ‘Mother’ would do such a thing’….
    11. ‘Thats just _____ being ____ – you cant change them
    12. ‘Aren’t you just being paranoid – say one of your ‘friends’ to you…

    See how the trail is kept hidden away? See how those who have had experience of the trail are kept silent?

    Since many psychopaths deceive close family and friends – the victims who are there easiest to target and pose the least risk for psychopaths – they remain undetected and can continue

    The pattern is very common – Psychopaths have a parasitic lifestyle. They enjoy eating at nice restaurants but it is you that foots the bill. (a literal example in many cases)

    The psychopath thinks they have a right to commit these transgressions since they stand above all the rest of us

    Thomas Erikson Surrounded by Psychopaths (2019)

    Hidden away, there are trails of communications, emails, facebook messages, conversations – where so many tiny or maybe large sprinkles of lead are left, grey and smouldering from them. That rely on someone putting it all together. Jimmy Saville relied on none of the institutions talking to each other – and the BBC fame – so he felt untouchable – but he left a trail both of victims and also in every interview.

    They leave a trail.

    A trail that relies on many people piecing it together.

    But theres something else.

    Because control, power and winning are usually the modus operandi of abusers – as their trail gets bigger and effectively they get away with it from an early age – what they then do is boast about their trail. In the moment of questioning – they reveal how many companies they closed, how many partners they slept with, how many people ‘love them’. That boasting of their trail, of the damage they have done, forms part of a new trail – and is evidence of how confident they are that their trail is being maintained, hidden and kept quiet.

    And more especially – its winning, power and control in the moment – every conversation and interaction is about these things. The trail doesn’t matter to them. They dont care anyone is hurting because of them, they just care about the moment – and winning in that moment. It seems odd to the rest of us who can see journeys and connections in our lives, and reflect and learn from the choices we made… We see this in the press all the time, the inconsistencies of stories about refugee and asylum seekers vs lack of people to pick fruit and Brexit. Its the story in the immediate vs the narrative over time. Abusive people rely on the moment – and no-one coming forward to piece together the pieces of a toxic jigsaw.

    Apologies are what you say when you can see that what you did in the past was wrong. It relies on memory and awareness of consequence. Even when a trail is brought to the attention of authorities- when people have come forward – when evidence is shown – denials, mistruths, and still blaming others might still be the response. ‘Why did they come forward now’? ‘they’re just after my money?’ ‘they’ll ruin my ministry?’ ‘I dont remember doing that!’ .

    They leave a trail. They always leave a trail. Often they are proud of their trail.

    How do you deal with it?

    Personally self awareness. Organisationally – education on emotional abuse and collective self awareness, and a load more besides. Its harder to see there trail when we’re in a rush. Its harder to see the trail when we’re not looking for it. Its harder to see the trail when we dont want to believe it exists.

    The reality is that the trail is only what is able to be evidenced. Research has shown that survivors are usually factual, and that the truth – as high profile lawsuits are revealing – is that the extend of the trails is far far greater than what is known.

    There is more to write on this I’m sure. But thats all for this piece.

    Thank you for reading, this grim piece about the trails left by abusers in their wake, and how they deal with them, with the same patterns. I hope that this, and other articles and links on this website are helpful. If you can support me in this writing please do click the link, and do share with others links to the website and new facebook page.

    If you can financially support my work, please do so here: thank you

    I will write other pieces on lighter subjects again, as this one took a while to write, bringing in examples from different examples of abusive situations.

    There are resources in the menu above too, do take a look.

  • I Am The Sky

    I love this from Eckhart Tolle:

    When you are full of problems, there is no room for anything new to enter, no room for a solution. So whenever you can, make some room, create some space, so that you find the life underneath your life situation.

    Use your senses fully

    Be where you are

    Look around

    Just look, don’t interpret

    See the light, colours, shapes, textures.

    Be aware of the silent presence of each thing.

    Be aware of the space that allows everything to be.

    Listen to the sounds; don’t judge them.

    Listen to the silence between the sounds.

    Touch something – anything- and feel and acknowledge its being.

    Observe the rhythm of your breathing; feel the air flowing in and out,

    feel the life energy inside your body.

    Allow everything to be, within and without.

    Allow the Is-ness of all things

    Move deeply into the now

    Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now.

    Why do I love it?

    Because if I stop in the midst of now, I notice that there aren’t problems.

    I can put more problems into the space, somebody else to add to my own

    But what if don’t?

    What if I create a gap in the midst – to notice myself and the space I am in

    To notice the gap between the problem exists a me, and I am not a problem, the problem isn’t me

    The problem exists outside of me

    I want to have it consume me less, and I want to step away

    And be me, and not my problems, and be me, and not your problems

    I am the sky, and I am bigger than the cloud

    Many reasons, what about you?

  • Healing through Hobbies and Interests

    ‘Tell us about any Hobbies and Interests that you have’

    This used to be one of the common questions in job interviews, the kind of thing to add in the later section of the ‘Record of Achievement’ burgundy coloured leather folder from school , but as I was out yesterday, walking, bird watching, enjoying nature, I was thinking about how this has become a ‘hobby’ and ‘interest’ and how long I might do this for.

    Why might I be thinking like this?

    I guess I started to reflect on the amount of hobbies and Interests I have had in my life – and my relationship with them.

    I sometimes think that I have gone from one hobby or interest to another quite alot in my life, and then i wonder whether thats the same for others, do other men just have one or two hobbies, and then stick with them for their whole lives?

    Some hobbies I have needed to have because they helped me to exercise and stay healthy – they also kept me out of traumatic houses for a long period of time – So – Road Cycling – which I thought I would do forever, until I met English roads, which hold no joy after cycling in Scotland for the first 4 years.. but I still have a bike – ridden once in the last year… part of this too was pushing myself, climbing hills, longer distances, physical exertion, faster, longer rides, recording them on map my ride, then strava…

    Gardening and growing food – Yay! the hobby that I though I would do for a very long time that cost alot of money…..the joy of homegrown carrots, chillies, herbs, potatoes, onions, radish, onions etc, and the despair of picking off late night slugs….but then I ended up not being in that house any more, after spending money on raised beds and equipment… but also that was another hobby that provided therapy and purpose in the midst of an awful relationship.

    What else have I done?

    Football matches? yes – and Ive supported one team since I was 8 or 9, but though I have been to a few matches, the thrill of the live game is often emotionally counteracted by some of the fear I feel with large crowds and alcohol, especially if I have to also protect my son when we used to go together. It can feel like thousands of people taking out their anger on 11 other people. Enjoyable in winning times, but not always.

    Food and Breadmaking – This is partly because I had to, do the cooking, but also I blame GBBO for this, I started bread making as Paul Hollywood and GBBO began to get more well known. I got obsessed for a few years…. I have enjoyed cooking, and I do think making food is an act of love and im glad I still enjoy cooking food in my current situation – but it was something devalued and belittled/not appreciated during previous traumatic relationships. So, bread making a hobby, cooking an essential that I enjoy for its creativity.

    Playing Tennis, Running (until I get injured), DIY (essential in buying cheap homes to do up) , Reading, Writing (like this) , Trains have been less of a hobby now, than as a child, then there were the 4 video game years, in which I spent far too long playing Xbox – mostly Fifa 07 or motor racing games. Then theres Social media, twitter, facebook – is that a hobby or something more all consuming?

    What about you?

    Do you have 1 or 2 set hobbies that you stick to, or seems to flit around doing lots of different things?

    I wonder also, how much trauma and things like ADHD have an effect/impact on this. I can certainly tell when I ‘needed’ hobbies and interests from an emotional/mental health point of view – but probably didn’t realise this at the time, or want to admit it, also I can trace some of the changes of these things as times when I was criticised by emotionally abusive people for doing them, often they didn’t like the ‘mess’, ‘the cost’ ‘the time’ that these things took, and generally making me feel bad for doing them, or having to fight to even do them, despite their criticism.

    What about Hobbies and you? Do you have them? Have you just one or two? and what is that you get out of them… someone once said to me, in terms of the things that you choose to do, do things that worship you, or that you get back. Some hobbies give back more than others, I think of how I feel when I reach a milestone cycling and how this compares to the magical moments of nature, or the satisfaction of creating something… some create environments where it becomes difficult to leave them, like football, some are more essential, some are to ‘keep busy’, and not stopping. I wonder also how many of our hobbies and interests are to take us away from the difficult things, and have our mind consumed by something else, which is absolutely fine, but again – what might it be that we’re avoiding?

    Often, the people that criticise you for having hobbies, are also the people who dont have them. Part of the criticism is that they’re jealous that you might be happy, or enjoying yourself without them. Part of it too is that they cannot reveal being happy. People make themselves very elusive without hobbies and interests, and impossible to please. And don’t get me started on the people who’s hobby is shopping… (I have a 23 part series on that person, see above) .

    Part of this blog is thinking about loud, about Hobbies and interests in our life. Things change as we get older, of course they do, they change because of circumstance, cost and time – Birdwatching and nature emerged for me during the first lockdown – yet it was something that has childhood memories too, or my grandparents. Its a hobby and interest that has therapeutic qualities, as Joe Harkness explores in his book, bird therapy, about watching, about focussing on the present, about being connected to nature, but other hobbies do that too, dont they, like running, cycling etc

    So, what about Hobbies for you? How have they helped? How might they heal? How have they changed?

    Why do you do them? What do you get out of them? How have they been contentious in relationships?

    How long will I enjoy the slow walks, birdwatching, photography and nature? Who knows…

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 23) Growing up Emotionally Alone

    We are all together alone, and these are just wishes, and I am just dreaming

    Perfect Place, Voice of the Beehive 1991

    That was one of my favourite songs as a young teenager. I still have the cassette tape.

    Something clearly resonated.

    A song that said something about being together, and alone.

    Thats what my family was like.

    We are all together, alone.

    Growing up alone.

    Thats what I had to do.

    People dont spend time with you in your family home when your Mother is a monster.

    People stay away.

    There are rare family get togethers, where everyone treads the same ongoing eggshells. Waiting for the landmines to be walked on.

    And when you do spend time with people – as soon as they leave the house

    Monster mother invalidates them.

    ‘They’re only here to sell something’ or ‘They should make more effort to see us’ or as they leave, after an argument, an abrupt ending – then they never come back.

    Then theres the role playing.

    The Categories that everyone in the family is given and has to fit into. So and So is ‘always’ doing this, or ‘________ is such a bully’ or ‘do you think _______ will ever grow up?’ Roles of scapegoat, bully, favourite etc played out all around – that as a child I couldn’t see. But it meant there was little connection.

    So people stay away.

    But its not just the extended family who stay away.

    Within the family – its wholly divided up.

    Its the only way a monster maintains their power.

    Dad cant be trusted, as he’s her helper and investigator – and sworn loyalty

    Siblings hide too. They, she is as alone as I am.

    And then that leaves me.

    Growing up alone.

    Finding family in the books, Charlies Family with a chocolate factor, Matildas School teacher, Dannys practical fun dad Dad with the sparkling eyes. Finding Family in other peoples families, the youth leaders and their foster children (and their own), finding family with other adults in the church. These were the safe people to have family with.

    Friends weren’t safe, not all the time.

    Unless a friend didnt want to come back to my house. Then it was ok.

    ‘Why doesnt ________ come back to the house?’ – err no, why should they? – I prefer being at theirs being anywhere but here She would play nice with them in person – like the Birthday parties from when I was 8, or when id here ‘Your mum isnt as bad as you say she is’ – nope – thats because in that hour she kind of put on a false mask.

    So, in the end, I avoided having friends, close friends too. It was kind of a safety mechanism, for me, and for them. Id have friends that we would do school together or where they didnt mind me going to their house, their park/community etc. But id learnt very quickly that the only way to be safe was to keep these people away, keep secrets.

    I have been describing this series as surviving psychopathic parenting, and I think after 23 parts to it, you have been able to tell what its like, and, piecing together all the parts, will create a picture, do look up the menu above for parts 1-22.

    It is growing up alone.

    And strangely, also, growing up in a false type of alone as no one actually realises or can comprehend that you are alone. ‘But you have both parents’ or those few moments of ‘being family’ and everyone is together. There is no happiness or joy in any family photos. Nothing. Hiding behind the surface of what ‘looks’ like a normal, nuclear, are people, victims of abuse, children, who are utterly alone.

    The double whammy of not being able to describe it, but feeling that constant ache, that constant emptiness of being completely utterly emotionally alone.

    Emotionally self dependant. Had to rely on whatever I knew of myself.

    It’s so multilayered, that even now its hard to describe. How a monster in one family divides everyone up, how they offer nothing but neglect, how they project behaviours, how they make accusations, so that you recoil, how they play victim when threatened, how they dominate, so that in reality, everyone feels alone – no one can trust anyone, the rumours go all around…

    I mean: How on earth can a child describe emotional aloneness that pervades everything? – when it looks like the ‘family’ is together.

    If this ring true for you, in a domestic abuse relationship, with either partner or parents do seek help, and if this provokes thoughts that you would want to investigate further, do look up the resources on the menu page above.

  • Walking the slow path of Freedom

    ‘We’re free from the death camps – but we must also be free to – free to create, to make a life, to choose. And until we find our freedom to, we’re just spinning around in the same endless darkness’

    Edith Eğer ( The Choice)

    I get this.

    Time plays havoc on the possibility of something new

    Moreover, accurately, trauma plays havoc with time.

    Its like it wants to pull you back to that thing – because in the present there’s a reminder of it, sometimes this is certain, other times is unintentional. It was almost likely that I would find something resonating in Ediths book about surviving a death camp, but in a way I was ready for it.

    Other times the moment hits you when you least expect it.

    I think thats why when I write about my life, and write blogs theres not always a simple thread. Some im revealing the hurts, some I’m revealing myself, some are about the process of rebuilding, some are about the methods, some are about a future as yet unknown, full of possibility.

    Sometimes its about realising that I have a choice to, a choice to spin in there endless darkness – and how does that balance with writing about a story, reflecting and learning so that it might do the same for others?

    But what about freedom?

    What freedom is there, after trauma?

    Well, there is every freedom, isnt there? Maybe theres even more on days when we feel like we’ve conquered monsters – revealed them – on other days its feels like a fog in which the future that has never been certain, still is.

    What about the freedom to choose to forgive?

    The freedom to choose to share our story?

    The freedom to live, in a quiet place and be away from everyone?

    The freedom to hide?

    The freedom to choose to do life in the way we want to? Given the contrast between the abusive control that had held it so far?

    The freedom to choose not to fix someone else – instead of focussing on myself

    The freedom to feel my own emotions

    The freedom to not people please

    The freedom to walk out the door

    The freedom to have a safe house

    The freedom to construct boundaries

    The freedom to be able to make decisions

    The freedom to not know

    The freedom to be the didn’t think it was possible me

    The freedom to choose

    The freedom to smile

    The freedom to have fun

    The freedom to rediscover myself

    The freedom to see the spinning, and step off the roller coaster

    and as Edith says:

    The freedom to have life

    for the first time

    Maybe theres no point being free, if you don’t know what to do with it – the temptation as Edith shares is that for so many freedom is terrifying and it was easier for some prisoners of war to stay within the prison walls, those who want to keep you captive make it so hard for you to want to experience freedom, or to have the confidence or self belief too.

    Edith also writes ; ‘When you have something to prove, you aren’t free’

    let that sink in a moment…

    And thats it isnt it, in places of abuse and torture , you dont know where you stand, playing guessing games on a hot bed of eggshells, always trying to prove, please, or appease.

    I spent far too long in my life trying to meet invisible expectations to people who were never satisfied, grateful or happy… or staying in situations of abuse just to prove them wrong. How shit is that? But that was my first 40 years of life.

    So, once we feel the freedom, of the breeze on our faces, the water on our feet, the freedom to start again, the freedom that feels light and fun, even to choose how to spend the small amounts of money that we might be left with, its still freedom.. its about continuing to walk in the direction of freedom, in the direction of opportunity, in the direction of life.