James Ballantyne

Blog

  • Why its time to be kind..on the younger version of me

    Sometimes I think about what my 42 year old self might want to say to my 8 year old self, or my 16 year old self, or the 28 year old?

    Sometimes I wonder what I feel about the 8 year old, or 16 year old, 28 or 42 year old?

    Sometimes I wonder if I could say anything, would it have changed anything- and if it did, would I want it too?

    Do I look back with regret

    With anguish, pain or embarrassment?

    Do look back and be annoyed at what I could have done differently?

    Or do I look and see

    that

    all I was trying to do was survive

    and protect myself

    and somehow make something out of life

    Can I look back and see the missed red flags and think I could or should or would have done differently?

    But how could I know, if I couldn’t see

    Would younger me, like to know about the current version, because one day he gets there

    What does present me need to be reminded of, when younger me comes into view

    That he was scared and scarred and in pain too

    So what could he do?

    A bundle of pain, shame, guilt and pretence

    Nothing. He couldn’t have done anything.

    Living a grey life, forgetting the dreams.

    The Butterfly is grateful for the frumpy caterpillar

    The Tree, for the acorn

    I cannot go back to younger version of me, but

    I can be and kind to he, and I am to me

    I can have grace and let it be, let it go

    I can just say, that my inner child, its time to be free

    I can just say, its safe now to grow

    Love myself now, love the me then

    Its time to just be.

    Here in the moment

    Love myself now, and love me from then

    Love myself now, and love the me new

    Rest in the version I currently am.

    So, you did good, aged 8,16 or 28 – there were positives too

    You made decisions to be good, to learn and to grow

    You had courage and strength, and despite what was lacking

    Theres stuff to be thankful for, in amongst all the storm.

    Don’t look back in anger, I hate that song.

    Instead, Be kind

    on the previous version of younger little me.

    So what would I now say to, that younger version of me?

    What do I feel about that version of me?

    It might be nothing but admiration, pride and respect, instead of regret

    pain and embarrassment.

    Time to accept, time to thank, time to be.

    Im finally me.

    Matt Haig, The Comfort Book, 2021

  • On Shame, Vulnerability and Faith – the experience of women – a conversation to listen and learn from

    On Shame, Vulnerability and Faith – the experience of women – a conversation to listen and learn from

    Two of my last posts have been about Shame and Vulnerability, and in particular the areas of shame that may be more prevalent in Men, given societal expectations.

    So theres Shame that men feel.

    Theres also Shame that men create – that Women feel, that women carry and hide that affects them.

    In the industries run by men, that perpetuate shame – to control to to make money.

    In the faith industries run by men, cultivated by men – that damage, wound and inflict shame.

    We have a responsibility, given, that we create society.

    If you hadn’t started to listen to Women, and their stories of how shame affects them, in faith contexts, in society – then maybe its time to.

    Not deny it, not to reject it – but to stop and listen

    And recognise, deeply, our part in this, and to do something about it

    So I share with you a personal, warm, honest, sometimes sweary video below of my partner Christelle, and our friend Marie, – both previously evangelical Christians, both had been in ministry, both in their 40’s in western society.

    Do watch, and listen,

    What surprises you? What do you learn? what might you change as a result? What has to change?

    Healing ourselves is about being open to listen, about acknowledging the pain we’ve inflicted, and making amends – to do better.

    Please do put comments below, like and share the video , ill put the link below too.

    The link is here https://youtu.be/xsqDC0Q4OrE

    I would like to add that if you are interested in exploring the subject of Shame, Trauma and Christianity even further then further reading on this can be found by Karen O Donnell and Sally Nash in the UK, and Serene Jones, Shelley Rambo in the US – they have , in the last 20 years, began to write on shame, trauma and theology. It is worth a look, do follow Karen on social media for details of studying this subject in the UK too.

  • What have I done to deserve this? Salvation through The Pet Shop boys (Healing and Recovery Part 11)

    What is the music that saves you? That carries you?

    Is it music that makes you dance in the kitchen – despite the ‘rain’ or pain?

    Is it music that soothes?

    Is it music that takes you to that place of joy?

    I recently started a conversation on twitter titled ‘ what is the music that got or gets you through the difficult times? ‘

    Many genres were shared, from ballad, blues, jazz, classical – and pop and rock, it was one of my most popular conversations starters on twitter, and showed to me, probably unsurprisingly, how much music plays a part in our lives – notably the shit times

    (im not on twitter at the moment, so cant recall all of them) But if you’re reading this and want to add your own – do put it below – theres no judgement at all – if it gets you through, it works for you, thats all that matters. (and do share this piece on twitter if you’re reading this and want to, and enjoy the conversation on music too)

    So – what about me?

    Firstly im not going to talk about music growing up for me, it represents the same childhood pattern – of implicitly having to stick to ‘christian music’ – for fear of those parents and disapproval – and also being compliant. I remember turning up to my gap year training and having only christian worship music to count on as my recent CD purchase. Then again in 1996 I really didnt like Oasis….

    Anyway, fast forward a few years – and it was probably only after spending more time with young people that my music taste may have got better, and maybe that 2000-2007 wasnt that bad for half decent guitar based music – forget the rest…

    It didnt heal though and some of it was dreary, Snow Patrol im looking at you.

    What was the music that featured in my healing and recovery?

    Was it guitars and emo-rock?

    Was it 1970’s ballads?

    Was it 1990’s brit pop?

    Or 2000’s R’n’B?

    Or Gospel ?

    Nope.

    It was that music that I rejected from my own childhood.

    For, in the home of my friend who gave me hospitality for 6 months was a CD player in the kitchen. And a rack of CD’s.

    And mainly only 1980’s pop music.

    Beach boys, Erasure (I secretly liked Erasure in my teens) and others… but what I didnt need, looking back, was the music of requited love – what I needed was to go to the dark places – to get angry.

    I needed music that gave me strength to think that I wasnt to blame.

    Music to think and believe that I deserve better.

    Music to fist pump to, and also to give me language of what I had been through.

    Music that also somehow connected with talking to my personal shame

    It was music that felt rebellious

    Music that told a story that there was hope.

    When I think of my darkest place, and the music that carried me through, music that I played almost non stop for 6-8 months, it was The Pet Shop Boys.

    Yes, I have my friend and his Pet Shop Boys CD to thank.

    For that was part of my recovery – singing strong songs with a 1980’s pop beat.

    I wondered about writing the lyrics down to ‘what have I done to deserve this?’ but irony doesnt really get reflected in the words alone.

    So, here are the words to The Pet Shops song Its a Sin:

    {Twenty seconds and counting
    T-minus fifteen seconds, guidance is okay}
    When I look back upon my life
    It’s always with a sense of shame
    I’ve always been the one to blame
    For everything I long to do
    No matter when or where or who
    Has one thing in common, too
    It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin
    It’s a sin
    Everything I’ve ever done
    Everything I ever do
    Every place, I’ve ever been
    Everywhere I’m going to
    It’s a sin
    At school they taught me how to be
    So pure in thought and word and deed
    They didn’t quite succeed
    For everything I long to do
    No matter when or where or who
    Has one thing in common, too
    It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin
    It’s a sin
    Everything I’ve ever done
    Everything I ever do
    Every place I’ve ever been
    Everywhere I’m going to
    It’s a sin
    Father, forgive me, I tried not to do it
    Turned over a new leaf, then tore right through it
    Whatever you taught me, I didn’t believe it
    Father, you fought me, ’cause I didn’t care
    And I still don’t understand
    So I look back upon my life
    Forever with a sense of shame
    I’ve always been the one to blame
    For everything I long to do
    No matter when or where or who
    Has one thing in common, too
    It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin
    It’s a sin
    Everything I’ve ever done
    Everything I ever do
    Every place I’ve ever been
    Everywhere I’m going to, it’s a sin
    It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin
    It’s a, it’s a, it’s a, it’s a sin
    Confiteor Deo omnipotenti vobis fratres, quia peccavi nimis cogitatione
    Verbo, opere et omissione, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa

    And whilst this song for the Pet Shop Boys has one meaning – it was a song that helped me start get angry, and sing through the sin and shame culture id grown up with and in, and finding it easy to go into self loathing.

    So, for me it was the music of The Pet Shop Boys that was another part of my rebuild.

    Strange thing, that right now as I write this, and I listen to their POPART album, its easily over a year since I last listened to it, and maybe thats sometimes what music can be too. It arrives when we need it, and we move on from it. Im only listening now as it feels right to listen as I write this.

    What about you? Whats the song, the music that journeys with you through the storms?

    Do share below in the comments – id love to hear!

    And if you want a listen, here’s the Pet Shop Boys, back in the late 1980’s, not sure if ill appear below…

  • Sorry Brene – I got you wrong

    Ive got to admit I didn’t really want to like Brene Brown.

    Her name had been banded around for quite a few years, usually by the phenomenal women that I know…and on the ever shared many internet memes and quotes, there probably isnt a week that goes by when a Brene Brown quotation hasn’t crossed my path in the last few years.

    But I didnt want to delve in to the Brene Brown popular phenomenon.

    So I figured I didnt really need to read her books or listen to her stuff.

    I mean, everyone is doing the self-help guru act and isnt she just like other people – an American female Matt Haig.

    Im sorry to admit… I was maybe a tiny bit American self help prejudice…

    So, dosed up with Lemsip, a laptop, and after a week of self reflection, I took a step of vulnerability and gave her TED talks a watch last weekend.

    Opened myself up to the possibility of what she might be saying… 11 years after it was recorded… (up until last weekend my TED talk watching has included 5 in total I think – yeah I know)

    I was pleasantly surprised.

    Here was someone who spoke the language of academia – not mushy self help

    (Then again would she be on a TED talk otherwise..?)

    Here was someone who was both self effacing, witty and wrestling with herself in the process of the research

    Someone who was warm.

    Someone who spoke and made it possible for me to feel like she was talking to me—- oh hang on James, really?

    Yes..because she was trying to hide herself behind her ego knowledge. Being known for knowing things.

    And that was me.

    The clever one at school – who couldn’t dance….who tried to do sports

    The clever one – who found academia…

    I was probably avoiding Brene Brown…because I kind of knew that I would like her, and like what she was saying, about shame, vulnerability and relationships.

    She ends the second of her two TED talks with a shortened version of this quote:

    What do you think of this quote?

    I love and hate it at the same time. I love and hate it because it asks something

    Its about showing up, with a raw vulnerable self

    In my relationships with my wonderful partner, my fabulous children and also friends and my work colleagues

    Not avoid the arena, to not just be the critic from the side (and isnt so much of media the critic?)

    Its easy to stand from the edges and criticise – but life isnt a non participation sport – not life in its fullness

    Participation in life is a messy action, where feelings are felt – not numbed…

    Daring greatly

    As Brene had done herself – from academic critical thinker, to therapy chair and breakdown (sorry, Spiritual Awakening)

    So I was doing my best to stand on the edge of the arena when Brene Brown is on the stage, and her books are available. Rather be the critique from a distance, than entertain the possibility that id be vulnerable to admit resonating and liking what she might have to say.

    Theres something else too. Its not just about showing up on the arena, in full view.

    Its about showing up to ourselves.

    When the only critic is ourself – often the worse critic of all

    The one critic that we might need to talk to as much as the external critics too. Tell to STFU every now and then.

    So, thank you Brene Brown. Thank you TED for being an incredible resource on You Tube, Thank you 5 days of cold/flu which has given me time to delve into them.

    I got you wrong Brene, and I’m grateful that I found you at the very right time. Vulnerability and Shame might be what the next phases of my life are about. So, thank you.

    Have a look on TED for Brene yourself…I dare you greatly…

  • Confronting Shame No 1 – Don’t be weak Emotionally

    I took a while to do this.

    A very long time in fact, because I had conditioned myself to numb the pain, to survive and also that I had only my own resources to get through things.

    You might imagine, that in having supportive parents you might find there shame in getting to the point where your marriage had broken down – but at least you’d be possibly assured of support afterwards. Imagine having the opposite. Imagine what its like knowing that you’d have to manage their emotions when you’re going through your stuff. So you dont bother.

    So I learned to pretend.

    Imagine being in a faith culture- being in churches, working for churches, being a youth worker, being well known – and also having to hide, numb and pretend that the reality doesnt exist. When you think, that everyone else thinks, that you might be happy and ok – but they dont ask and I avoid being asked.

    It took me a long while to know that doing this for more than 20 years. It took me the same length of time to try and bring to light childhood horrors into the open either.

    Why?

    Why couldn’t I do this?

    Why when ‘Vulnerability’ hit me like a drug in early 2019 it was like a refreshing new thing, but was as if I couldn’t help but tell bits of my story, the real stuff.

    Shame, as Brene Brown says, is the belief that we might not be accepted in loved – if our truth is revealed.

    Talk to me about the things that I was good at – and good at ‘despite’ my parents, and maybe thats the thing, if Brene Brown is right – then shame is “I am Bad’ rather than ‘I do bad things’ – somehow I had been gifted the shame of being responsible for the situation I was in, because of being a child of narcissist parents, it could never be their fault or responsibility…so whose might it be..yup..mine.

    In his book The Courage of Hopelessness, Slavoj Zizek writes in the first few pages about the ethical dilemma of those who smoke cigarettes but can give up, and the moral ethical dilemma of the ‘choice’ of giving up, the freedom to give up, and also the imperative to, going on to say that its only when someone is desperate, on their sick bed, and at the pit of hopelessness do they realise that they have no choice but to, for their own survival, that they do. I am yet to read more of his book, but this in the first few pages stuck. Survival Shame meant, for me, just keeping going, getting through it, same patterns, same torment, same gnawing unhappiness, same abuse, until the desperate me had to ask for help.

    Richard Rohr talks about a vulnerability moment, a breakdown (Falling Upwards)

    Eckhart Tolle describes his own, aged 30 (The power of Now) , as does Brene Brown herself.

    It took hopelessness – to get through the layers of shame.

    I couldn’t see things whilst I was hiding in and amongst it.

    Though I was right about the parents, and at the time so glad I was somewhere actually emotionally safe.

    Back to Brene Brown – in her TED talk I referred to in my previous blog, she talked about the 4 aspects of society that Men have to live up to ‘to be a man’,

    Emotional Control,

    Status,

    Job

    and Violence…

    Well I re watched it again yesterday with Christelle, and realised Brené said something else:

    For Women, Shame is

    Do it all, Do it perfectly and never let them see you sweat

    For Men, Shame is just one thing:

    Do not be perceived as weak

    Brene Brown (TED, 2012)

    In the area of Emotional control, one of the fours aspects above that Men have to live up to – how does being weak in this area bring about shame?

    are you any of these..I might be

    I know I can be ‘open’ like this – but I know I struggle to show emotions and be emotional even with people I feel safe with

    I didnt want to look weak – by going to therapy – and yet im going back for more

    I would prefer to fix than ‘not know’

    I would rather hide and pretend than admit I need help

    Being vulnerable – genuinely vulnerable is a weakness

    No one at work had better know if im struggling – I couldn’t bear it

    People like me, dont talk about struggles – we’re always ‘fine’

    Numb your own pain – those emotions are not as important as other peoples

    In my job I look after other people – I have to stay strong…

    Dont be soft, you’ll get walked over

    What might you add to this list? What might you have said to yourself?

    If Emotional control is one of the expectations – and fear of being weak the main shame for men – what might this look like for you.. what does it look like for me?

    You might ask about whether you need to have an awareness breakdown moment before realising that there is a different way to be about shame and vulnerability – and in truth I do not know the answer, that may be down to your attachment style (healthy) and childhood and all the coping mechanisms – and whether you have places to be emotionally safe. Maybe you dont need to have a breakdown and get to being hopeless to start making the change – maybe you were brought up with good acceptance of your emotions as a boy from family and friends. Only you reading this know.

    It could manifest in the fear of needing to be looked after, or the fear of having to ask for help, or not giving away our emotions, or staying in survival mode, or distract from real feelings mode, or taking medications to numb the pain…

    Vulnerability isnt a weakness – it is part of our every day lives – its risky and scary – it is part of who we are- and that includes us as men too.

    This is possibly part 1 in a series on vulnerability, in which Ill write on the 4 societal aspects described above and share a little about how they have affected me, and possibly other men too.

    If you have a story to share about Shame, and vulnerability – and emotional control – do put it below or email me , and with your permission id love to share.

    Maybe its time to name the weakness, name that it is not weak, to challenge the culture in which this manifests – I deserve better, our boys deserve better, women deserve better – Society is better for healthier men in it.

    There is more on this in depth in this article https://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/mens-perspective/interviews/a14409/brene-brown-shame-vulnerability/

    This piece in psychology today is also helpful, for parents and partners of boys https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/revolutionary-thoughts/201708/men-in-relationships-3-keys-emotional-vulnerability%3famphttps://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/revolutionary-thoughts/201708/men-in-relationships-3-keys-emotional-vulnerability%3famphttps://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/revol

  • How does Shame hold you?

    How does Shame hold you?

    ‘When we (Men) reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us… and dont tell me from the guys…but from the women in our lives

    So I started interviewing men and..

    You show me a woman who can sit with a man with real vulnerability – ill show you a woman who has done incredible work

    You show me a man who can sit with a woman who has got to the end of her tether and his first response isn’t ‘I unloaded the dishwasher’ but he really listens – because thats what we need – then ill show you a guy whose done a lot of work

    Shame is an epidemic in our culture

    To find our way back to ourselves in our culture we have to find out how it affects us, the way we’re parenting, the way we’re working, the way we’re looking at each other

    When asked what the things men have to do to conform with male norms in culture, research showed the following:

    • Always show emotional control
    • Make work a Primary goal
    • Pursue Status
    • Violence

    The antidote to shame is empathy, if you put shame in a petrie dish it goes away.

    Shame needs three things to grow exponentially, secrecy, silence and judgement – it can’t survive with empathy.

    If we’re going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path.

    It may be seductive to stand outside the arena, when im perfect and bulletproof…but that never happens, we bring ourselves as we are to the battle ‘

    (Brene Brown, TED Talk 2012 – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0

    I have spent the last week digging deep reflecting on vulnerability and shame, on guilt, on myself – and this brought me to the point of actually reading or watching something of Brene Brown, a name that to me had been only a social media meme, or someone who I hadn’t got around to yet.

    So I watched her two TED talks over the weekend. Whilst there’s so much to reflect on in full. Its these last few comments about Men that I highlighted above, that I felt it appropriate to share here.

    Lets look again. For a man in society to live up to cultural norms (in a US based research) it involves

    Emotional Control

    Primacy of work

    Status

    Violence.

    So shall we ask the question – do you agree or disagree?

    Or a better one – have you felt shame in not fulfilling these things?

    Or another – how much effort does it take to ‘go against’ them?

    What does shame feel like for you?

    Are you expected to be ‘in emotional control’ – around others who lose their shit – so what place do your feelings have?

    when was the last time you cried? When was the last time you cried, in front of your partner?

    Are you expected to work until – well until you are sick? Because you are meant to? Is your life about success at all costs?

    Status and power – Have felt the pressure or shame for not taking on that promoted role, or that position?

    Violence – Dont be the victim of bullying, stand up for yourself… fight back… – win at all costs ?

    Which of these resonates for you? Or might it be something else?

    If im honest I was shocked by these 4 things, especially Violence, but then whats the method in which superheroes win in films? or in video games? (as one example) – and it worried me that these were revealed as expectations and then areas in which Men might feel shame about, and realised that even if we dont think all apply to us – we can still carry shame because of just one of these areas.

    Maybe lets pause for a moment and reflect on the shame that we carry.

    What is it, and what is it doing to us that is likely to be unhealthy.

    What subliminal message about expectations and shame are we passing onto our children? What have we inhabited? What does shame and vulnerability mean for us, as men?

    I had to admit something to my partner Christelle the other day, she knows me as someone who is wise, clever, reads, who likes nature, adventures, travel and food, who is in work that involves justice, poverty and faith. I had to admit something, that feels like a guilty secret, in comparison of all these noble, creative, wise activities about me.

    And that was my also my following of sport. Specifically the capitalist business model team that is Manchester United – a team I supported since I was 8. My guilty pleasure, out in the open. But it felt almost shameful. Not liking football could be seen as odd in the UK, but that I support ‘that’ team (and not just because of recent results) seems so out of character with so many parts of me that I stand for. Though this felt trivial it wasnt in a way. It was a tiny bit of vulnerability on my part, a part of me that I often feel shame about, and hide, as it makes me feel less perfect, less with integrity, interested in something ‘trivial’. Though it sounded trivial, it still felt like a thing I felt shame about.

    In another example : I had to take a covid test today, like so many of us in the last 2 years – but can you remember how it was ‘shameful’ to admit getting this disease? Shame and blame in culture… – and yes I am writing this post whilst dosed up on lemsips and a bag full of tissues to hand – and the test has come back negative…

    Maybe thats the thing with shame and vulnerability – its about giving ourselves away, to hope that we’ll be loved despite our imperfections, and take a risk – where its safe to do so.

    So to the Men who might read this – what might shame and being vulnerable mean to you – what are you scared of, or afraid of?

    What cultures in work, or religious groups, make it even easier to hold on to shame- where our real lives can be hidden away for pretence or expectation – to not be our real selves..pretending…

    It might be time to bring it out of the secrecy, silence and judgement.

    Do the expectations of emotional control, stays, work and violence affect you? – in what ways?

    Is it one of these things more than the others? And who and how might you begin to expose the layers of some of the wounds of shame and let them go, in a way like Matt Haig describes below:

    Imagine forgiving yourself completely. The goals you didnt reach. The Mistakes you made -(the choices that you made even). Instead of locking those flaws inside to define and repeat yourself, imagine letting your past float through your present and away like air through a window, freshening a room. Imagine that.

    Matt Haig (The Comfort Book)

    Of course, the other side of this is those who feel no shame, the tiny proportion, but still large number who might be considered sociopathic. Shame is part of being human, part of being a human that is more whole and humane.

  • Healing for Men; 1 Year Update

    Hey folks, I just wanted to write a piece about what’s been happening with me in the last few weeks and months as Ive realised that my writing on this blog has dried up a little.

    One of the things that ive realised all along with keeping a blog like this going, keeping it interesting, honest and thought provoking – is that the subject matter , myself, can then take a bit of an emotional toll. I began to notice that some of the things I was talking about, i was struggling to actually do, and I was writing more than I was actually doing the hard graft to rebuild after trauma itself.

    I also realised that I was sometimes veering on being too vulnerable about myself, wanting to share my story, share my healing journey, share my learning – like it was a new toy, like I was a new toy – with you all – but what that meant was giving myself away in a way that actually was something that I didnt and don’t need to do, in fact , in thinking about boundaries, about self care, maybe I shouldn’t.

    Part of me too, was and is enjoying some new reading recently, reading that has given me some different insights on spirituality and recovery, and though its relevant I haven’t really focused on healthy spirituality in this blog too much and didnt want to share, yet.

    So I kind of stopped for a bit on the personal writing front.

    I also stopped because I just wanted a break as well. I stopped also because I wanted to spend more time doing, living and being me – and also time with my partner Christelle who came over to the UK for a week, a few weeks ago, and it was great to be present, to be together, and to be very much off my laptop, social media or anything for a few weeks.

    I have also just started a Level 2 course in Counselling, and this has taken up a bit of my head space, the time of one evening a week plus the homework, and though its not too heavy a commitment, it is taking up, usefully some of my ‘non working’ time. Its a small step, but one that feels like im on a long path to further personal and professional development, within healing, trauma and what ive taken on board in the last few years. This too is a bit of a reason why I haven’t written for a while, somehow even small amounts of study writing at the moment are taking up a bit of emotional writing headspace.

    I have always said, I would love to have other contributions from others who may want to share their story, of men talking about emotional and mental health, about the challenges that can be in professional and personal contexts, and the situations and family dynamics that we may want to shed light on, like parental or sibling abuse. Please do get in touch if you have a subject, a story, a piece that you would like to share.

    I close by saying

    Because, this blog has now been going for one year, and I am honoured that you have read pieces that describe some very difficult situations, some of my pain. some of my journey, and I am even more pleased that as a result you, or friends of yours have become more aware of relationship dynamics and started a process of healing through therapy and recovery.

    Even with an almost 1 month break ive published 90 pieces on this blog, at nearly 2 a week, It was time I did slow down… but thank you for reading, sharing, liking and appreciated what ive written in the year!

    There is no easy way to avoid dealing with the things we have had to go through. We have to go through them. Often death and resurrection are two sides of the same coin, or as I recently read in Eckhart Tolle – Despair and Enlightenment can often go hand in hand on the same path. If something I have written has caused you to see, even in the despair and brought you closer to enlightenment then thats so good. I hope so, and if you want to share, please do. Do send me a note or comment!

    Can I promise more writing? Yes – im sure there will be, and my writing has emerged in bursts… but thats all for now, and so thank you, remember that you are valuable, that you do not have to pretend, to pretend to be the strong one, and also – if you cannot stop yourself from being ‘out of control’ and blaming others – then that can change too. Healing for men is about the ongoing awareness and healing for us all, regardless of what it is from.

  • My Early morning Wetherspoons Epiphany (Recovery and Healing part 10)

    Im writing this in Wetherspoons Newcastle waiting for my hourly train back down the coast.

    Don’t Judge.

    I can see the pint of beer for £2.19 or less, and food on the menu with a free drink for under £7. 

    The table is slightly sticky. 

    My bum is on a hard seat, as the more cloth backed moon chairs around a table are taken. 

    It has 3 floors, and it has an air of something in it, that I cant quite work out. Maybe freedom, reluctant freedom against a system, somewhere between that and content to be stuck in a victim mindset. 

    Faded images of the old city off Newcastle adorn the walls.

    Yet. It is full. 

    (for the non UK reader, Wetherspoons is a pub chain in the UK, known for, well, cheap beer, food and Brexit)

    And not that long ago, four of the Wetherspooons pubs in the north east had my fairly regular custom. 

    One of them was a place I went weekly to eat, the meal out with my friend who housed me when I had no where to go. 

    The first night I got there, penniless and with nothing, he took me out for food. 

    And that was the same every week. 

    Then another one nearby was one weekly bus pass away. So, if I went out for a walk, and I walked loads, take a bus into the city, then walk along the river and up to the beach, then back to Wetherspoons for a cheap lunch and drink, before getting the bus back. 

    In that same one, it was full. 

    And I was in it at 10am.

    For coffee, when the coffee was 99p for free refills (I knew the prices of all the coffee in all four of them), when I had very little money, coffee, or 3 cups of it at 99p was great, Costa or local independent coffee shop was out of the question. 

    People were drinking at 10am. 

    It was their place to be. 

    I was in there on my own, lost in many thoughts.  

    In Wetherspoons, I began to see them. Talking to the staff every now and then, or maybe the other people not far away, on adjacent tables, get a sense of peoples situations. Their torments, their issues, who had offended them, their rage. 

    Rarely any joy. 

    Drinking at 10am. 

    What were their lives like? To need to be in Wetherspoons drinking at 10am?

    But then, it dawned on me. 

    Its like what they say, don’t complain about the traffic when you are traffic. 

    I was practically homeless, jobless and drinking in Wetherspoons at 10am. But I was alone. 

    The only difference was that I was drinking coffee. 

    It wasn’t just a place in which I could see others. But I saw myself. 

    I saw at the time that I was no different to the 10am drinkers in Wetherspoons. 

    I was scraping around for the last 99p for 3 cups of coffee, some weeks.

    There was no moral superiority to be had, my pretense at even trying to read a book was just that a pretence. To all purposes I was the same, a human being lost, and wondering where their home was. Also realising that it was one thing walking alone, drinking alone was something I wouldn’t do, and being in a busy Wetherspoons meant that I was in the vicinity of people, alone, but not on my own, alone, actually but never lonely. 

    And where was I, also somewhere between feeling wounded and oppressed, and not being able to see, myself or the situation I was in. 

    Once I began to work, Wetherspoons was a great place, like now for working and writing, cheap coffee, the noise of people around, lunch at a fairly reasonable price, and it became a place that was distant from the home I was staying in, gave me a break and a boundary. 

    Was I the kind of person who would judge people in Wetherspoons before all this? Nope not really, and even now, there’s a difference between the persons in Wetherspoons and the values of its Owner. Sometimes I would be afraid of the noise in Wetherspoons if I was standing outside it waiting for a bus on an evening, sometimes when I walked in I realised I had to toughen up and be confident in myself just a little bit more, to walk in. Amongst the noise.

    Did going to Wetherspoons help me, heal me, save me? I’m not sure, was it somewhere where I could be invisible, where I could feel human, where I didn’t have to pretend and ultimately be anything or anyone other than a person in need of a coffee at 10am on random Wednesday mornings. Was it a place that gave me an insight into the darkness of my own soul? No, but I was a place which holds a kind of static, stable memory of a safe place to go to be just like anyone else. Where I didn’t have to be the me that looks like they have everything together, that has degrees and can think, the me that has a reputation, the me that had ‘a ministry’ or a ‘calling’ . 

    Where I didn’t have to talk to people where I had to try and pretend to be ok. Even people who I know now would have been fine with me saying my real stuff, i didnt know even how to articulate it, or want to ask for help, or bring others into the drama I was hiding. I wasn’t going to be asked the question ‘How are you’ in Wetherspoons at 10am in the morning.

    In Wetherspoons at 10am I didnt have to do any of these things.

    I was just a stranger in a pub drinking at 10am. Just like anyone else. Because I am like anyone else.

    Life might be more about being the lost stranger in the pub.

    Someone trying to find their way home.

    Speaking of which…my train is due..

  • Its time to realise our wonderful bodies

    My body is wonderful

    And so is yours

    Have you ever noticed?

    Said those words, to yourself?

    Thought of your body as wonderful? Just as it is?

    Its no more wonderful larger, smaller, fitter, leaner, younger or older

    Because it is wonderful, just as it is.

    Have you ever noticed? Or stopped to?

    Then do so

    Why not try now?

    As you read this, with your mind open, wriggle your toes

    Feel your bones move, each one

    Your ankle and foot

    What is happening in your body as you wriggle your toes?

    Can you feel the movement? Can you tell?

    Your body is so wonderful it doesn’t tell you what it has to do every time you wriggle your toes

    or walk

    Every bone, cartridge, joint, muscle, tendon, all the fluids and skin

    As you read, your eyes watching, feelings deep within.

    That you can hear the noise of traffic outside as you do so

    your mind wondering

    did you forget your toes? Wriggle them again

    wriggle them fast, slow, and feel.

    Seems ridiculous doesnt it

    but thats the point

    To feel our bodies.

    Why is ridiculous? We all have them, bodies. (unless you’re a robot reading this, and you’ve been made by a body)

    What else about your body is wonderful….

    all of it

    Trying to escape from them, keeps the pain in them

    Tormenting the body, to feel pain

    Shame, blame, pain locked deep within, a carcass we thought nothing of.

    Our bodies are wonderful

    For what they are

    Sense it, enjoy it, feel it

    Its easy to forget, our body

    As just a tool to house our ever thinking mind

    As just a tool to pummel in the gym or working the land

    A tool to create life

    Reducing our body to a machine.

    As men, our gaze is often outwards to see the beauty in the female form

    But what about ourselves?

    Or the physical specimens of the sportsters and athletes, and we feel we cannot compare.

    So lets not.

    Lets give our bodies more healthy attention.

    Yes yours, and mine.

    A body so beautiful and complex, we will never understand, but we don’t need to

    Bodies housing all that shame, expectation, fear, guilt and pain, its no wonder we think so little of them.

    Undervalued by religion, the object of advertisers desires.

    Your body is wonderful, and so is mine.

    What it does and how it is held together, and how it thinks, feels, sense and communicates.

    Its never to late to start to love yourself for who you are, not just what you do, accomplish or create, but who you are, body included.

    Awaken the love of your body, listen to it breathe, feel it as it moves.

    Breathe life into it, feed it time, not just food.

    Treasure it, love it.

    Do the ridiculous thing, and think of yourself as having a wonderful body

    Try it…

    Stop reading…

    Wriggle your toes…and smile.

    And realise, just wonderful your body is.

    Though if you wanted to read more on this, try The Body keeps the Score by Van Der Kolk, or The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.

  • Is ‘It’s OK for Men to cry’ too simple to say?

    Is ‘It’s OK for Men to cry’ too simple to say?

    Its ok for men to cry

    Is said often. But I was wondering whether its said too often, without any thought about the complexity of this.

    I wonder if it’s said too easily.

    I wonder if women need to hear this message too.

    So its not just men who need to hear that its ok to cry.

    But its not just ok for men to cry. It should be ok for men and women to express their emotions.

    It should be ok, but often it isnt.

    Its not just men that have trouble expressing emotions.

    Its not just men but women too who have been unable to express emotions because its has been unsafe too, since birth often.

    Cant get them out.

    Cant show them

    Cant be seen to be not in control

    Cant be ‘not the stable one’

    Cant be the one who has to rely on others

    Cant be the one that doesn’t look like they are coping.

    Cant be the one who is vulnerable

    Cant be the one who isnt holding things together

    Because. Men do cry.

    They cry when their team gets relegated.

    They cry at movies

    They cry.. with other men, when..everyone is crying.

    So they do cry.

    But maybe its that we men find it difficult to cry about something relating to ourselves, or..in front of the people who we’re meant to be responsible for, emotionally.

    Its not as straight forward as to say that its ‘Ok for men to cry’ – we need to ask why, and not blame men if they cant

    Tears are good- and it shouldn’t be judgemental for men to cry

    Its ok to acknowledge and feel the pain, when it hurts

    In fact, we need to feel it.

    Feel the pain of being unloved, neglected or abused, by parents or partner

    Feel the pain of death, grief and loss

    Feel the pain of bereavement, unemployment, and yes the disappointment of the football team.

    Its ok to feel

    Its never ok to take that feeling out on others.

    thats why we need to feel the feeling differently, by feeling it.

    Want to be a strong man? Then manage your emotions and self.

    Its not ok to try and hold things together whilst wounding everyone around.

    So…let me ask..

    Who were your emotionally aware role models? When were you given the opportunity to begin to master your emotions healthily?

    I wasnt – but were you?

    Not until therapy a few years ago.

    Where might you start now? A therapist? A book like ‘The Power of now’ – its just a start remember..but maybe start..

    Men, its ok to have emotional needs, and wants and to admit it – as it is for Women too

    Its ok to stop and feel

    Its more than ok.

    Its more than ok and be the best version of you, that is real, that feels, from deep

    Its ok to let your body feel. To let it well up, and start to feel it.

    Maybe its not that Men, or women are ok to cry – but more to clock where and when they do.

    There are those who really cant though, and if you’ve followed my stories above, you wouldn’t be surprised to know that some peoples tears ive seen are crocodile at best.

    Tears cleanse. They release. Bringing out emotion from the heart.

    Maybe thats it too. We’re ok too cry when our team is relegated, but not if we’re heart broken by loss or bereavement.

    Maybe Healing for Men is about realising that those phrases are complicated. Of course its ok that men cry, healing and being the best version of ourselves is about being closer to the pain of our bodies, our emotions, and learning to accept, feel and manage our emotions.

    And yes, often we can be in charge of others emotions, but have barely stopped to deal with our own.

    Maybe its time to not pretend that we’re ok any longer. To avoid, run or try and bulldoze our way through the pain.

    Maybe its time to start working on ourselves

    For our sake. Because we can do better.

    Because we can love ourselves, even if we’re trying to after not being loved.

    We can feel feelings too. I can feel feelings too.

    Learning to cry, and be angry…also means we can feel the happy, the joy and the pleasure alot more easily, and dont you want that in your life too?

    Our emotions can be rollercoasters, and thats ok, staying on a level plane is causing us more pain.

    Take a moment.

    To feel.

    The real you.