Lying motionless, almost on my small balcony lay a bumble bee in the morning heat today
Exhausted
Barely clinging on to the edge of the wood, nearly about to drop down a 30ft gap
close, to death
So I googled what to do and mixed up a combination of water and sugar in a small container
Then put some nearby
on the wood, so it could be away from the edge..
then I watched and waited.
I had no idea if it was damaged
No idea if it would fly
And I watched as it moved cautiously towards the liquid, stuck its leg in, then its mouth
Sucking away at the sugar, desperate, hungry, exhausted
It kept sucking
finding its energy
and gradually it moved away from the liquid
energy returning
but could it still fly…
You can watch what happened next in full in this short video Bumblebee
it crossed my mind that the Bumblebee is a good metaphor for ourselves after trauma – the pandemic, abuse, accident – what we don’t need when exhausted is to be flicked off the ledge, but something sweet, someone to pick us up and give us what we need at that time.
Time… to take in all the nutrients we need
Safety, away from the ledge
Space .. to fly- when we have what we need
I am sure you can think of personal or collective analogies for the bumblebee.
What about young people, what about prisoners? What if an exhausted group of people needs energy, time, safety and someone who cares about them.. what if…
Isn’t it glorious when something so weak, and exhausted, finds its feet, and wings again?
That, my friend, could easily be you, or someone else..
To see what happened next do have a watch of this here
I wonder.
I wonder what life is all about, and how life might be different to see ourselves as those who help others fly?
It sometimes feels an effort to have fun – dont you think? well it does for me
Nothing is stopping me, I can do what I want, So what cant I?
But then I started to realise why… its those voices in my head, the critical ones, the sensible ones…these ones…
‘Are you boys having fun?’
Came the voice of the abuser to me, on a number of times, its often at a time when I have actually been having fun.
Its tone was accusatory. It was as if ‘fun’ was not allowed.
Fun was ‘found out’ – look you couldn’t hide it from me, you were having fun
Secret fun.
You doing have fun without me, you don’t have fun in this house,
Isnt there something more useful you should be doing… like meeting my needs instead?
Fun guilt.
‘Just dont make a mess’
Fun now has to be clean, organised, tidy.
‘I didnt say dont have fun, just keep the noise down’
I gave up fun, fun was no fun..
Another factor in the fun thing for me is the church thing.
Growing up evangelical – meant having conditional fun, and being judgemental on other peoples fun
‘Look at us having fun without alcohol’ – at a barn dance that is excruciatingly painful in 1991 with other ‘young people’ who are finding it excruciatingly painful watching their parents dance and look as though they are pretending to be having fun and its just so awful. Then to be forced to dance. URGH.
It wasnt just sex, drugs and rock and roll that were banned – it was anything that was the gateway to any of these things, school discos, pop music, smoking (anything) ..- we dont do what they do…
Fun for me as a teenager was doing ‘christian fun’ – what was allowed – the christian music festival – and yet even there I struggled to have fun, because I was so un easy about having fun, with the exception of sports, just dont get me to dance, or draw
Problem is in a context of what is and what isnt allowed….nothing seems much fun
If Fun is about doing something for the sake of it, doing something that might be boundless, free, creative and spontaneous.. then I realise that part of rediscovering myself, and my inner child is about ‘having fun’ again
I can definitely see how having conditions on fun – meant that something wasnt fun
I can see now also that as part of the trauma of growing up with a psychopathic parent, that fun wasnt part of the deal, because more than not fun was about being responsible, staying alert. The only fun was to do the thing they wanted to do.
Theres only allowed fun in abusive narcissist prison.
Guilty for having fun? Shame for having the wrong kind of fun? Too responsible to have fun?
Too inhibited to get drunk, always needing to be aware, responsible and look after others..- yes
So when did I start to notice this, and realise it?
I notice all the time, id rather be serious, think about serious things, learn, write (like this), digest the news (see previous post), and even some hobbies can feel like a performance, competitive…
I really noticed about fun when I asked my inner child what he wanted to do that was fun – and then actually do it
It was my inner child that wrote what it above.
I noticed too when it felt a momentous action to pick up a felt tip pen and make a messy splurge on a piece of paper.
Dont make a mess, stick to the lines, you cant draw, dont be silly, that’s silly…voices in my head, every time
Be a grown up, dont be childish, whats the point, haven’t you something more responsible, or helpful to do – like write a blog or check twitter or tidy, or…
I realise that its a struggle to ‘have fun’ – when the voices in my head, the critical parent – from the sources of those critical voices, abusive people and excessively moral churches – have been so dominant, and Ive been conditioned to comply, to fit, and found belonging or a trauma bond in compliance.
Overthinking fun makes it a struggle to have fun at all.
Just need to do it.
So one of those things is that fun is guided.
What do I do now for fun? new things that ive never been interested in before… and also new things I didnt know I could do before, as well as some of the old things like trains, cycling and growing food, but also photography,
Walks, and after those occasions a few months ago, now experimenting with drawing, art and self discovery in drawing, colours, and art – something I left behind as a child. Learning to be creative will be another piece, but at this stage, just to say that ive discovered something fun in stuff that I thought I couldn’t do or hated as a child. Its like an unlocking.
PICK UP THE PENS JAMES. JUST DO IT..so..
Heres something I drew yesterday, just for fun….and with both hands simultaneously…
Safety is so important in the pursuit of creativity – unless you dont give a fuck about what it is you’re creating and potentially upsetting in the process
So often emotional abuse resolves around the shameful control of behaviour and that includes ‘what is allowed as fun’
Often those who cannot have fun project rules onto those so it prevents them from doing so.
I do find it a struggle to have fun.
Maybe thats an ‘adult thing’ – but I’m more sure its a recovery from narcissistic abuse thing too. Life was about survival – and fun doesnt play a part – (maybe except outside the prison walls)
A few thoughts on Fun:
I can relate. When you’ve been fighting for justice or for survival all your life, it doesn’t take much to be content. A safe place to live, some peace and quiet, can be enough for a while. Your idea of fun might just change a bit. (Ryan on Twitter @Ryan_Daigler)
I think I feel guilty for enjoying myself? And also sometimes in the past bad things have happened to others whilst I’ve been out enjoying myself so there’s that.(Lydia @Lydimoo)
and someone trying to..
I promised myself I would do fun things while I’ve got all my evenings to myself during the school holidays. It’s not yet working out as planned, Ive killed alot of time playing games though (Helen @Helenmt)
Over the past 8 months, through Trauma Therapy, I’ve been getting in touch with my inner child.
The remarkable thing was, I didnt even know I had one.
A child.
A child part of me
What I began to realise was…I had spent my whole life parenting other peoples inner child..
But not my own
So what did I say?
How did a relationship start with a person, that I had never met?
A person that, told me that I had left him behind
A person that disappeared when I felt I had to grow up
A part of me that hid
That was scared at time to come out
A part of me that was terrified of the anger, the abuse and shock of those who had tormented me
A part of me that needed to know it was safe to appear
I had to youth work myself.
Safe
Slow
Easy conversation
Allowing my inner child to speak
To say the words that hadn’t been said in 40 odd years
Letting it out
Hello, little James
Would you like to say anything?
What would you like to do to today?
What even is your name?
baby steps as my vulnerable child begins a dialogue
I am just beginning to listen, and keep listening
Sometimes he swears at me. Sometimes he’s angry with me
Sometimes hes quiet
I am finding out what he likes, what he wants and what he needs.
More that often I listen, try to hear, what my inner child is trying to say.
Finding out who he feels safe with
I am just discovering my inner child
Re-covering my inner child
Letting him out to play
And in case you hadn’t noticed, be creative
in his own time.
Sometimes he writes, scribbles, draws, colours, just to get feelings out
Sometimes I can hear him tell me off ive been too busy or distracted to talk, to listen
Yes. He knows, as..deep down I also do too.
What has it been like?
Painful, raw and exhausting at times, but all of what my inner child has been holding onto for 30 odd years is having to come out, when its time, safe, and when he can trust me, to be protective, nurturing and safe.
The things that were absent from my own childhood.
And ive encountered the parts of me that I had inhabited, the critical parent, my wounded self, the voices in my head that say ‘stop being silly’ and try and let that inner child rest, play and pick up the crayon and make a silly mess. Because its not silly.
And Critical me has had a lifelong field day. Ask anyone who’s been on the wrong end of my questions.
As Lucia Cappachione writes, the fascinating thing is that the more we encounter , nurture, protect and parent our inner child.. the less we jump to rescue others, and also the less we need others to rescue us. Im not going to share too much from my inner child here, for, that is something for later, and maybe in a new relationship I will protect him and keep him safe, away from needing to be shared.
But in re-parenting myself, ive discovering myself, and feel like a coherent person in a way that I have never done before. Im feeling my way into a real, whole person that until this year had felt disjointed, disconnected and I had lived out of a false self.
If anyone reading this would like to start this journey, and it is recommended with a Therapist who specialises in this, the resources I am using on this, to do the work, not just learn about the work, are from Lucia Cappachione, most notably, Recovery of your inner child, 1991
It wasn’t alcohol, drugs, sex or shopping, it wasnt biting my nails, chocolate or coffee.
It was NOISE
I had a Noise addiction.
Since the tender age of ‘Radio 5 is amazing and I can listen to football matches on it’ about 13, thats what I was addicted to.
NEWS NOISE
SPORTS NEWS NOISE
Radio 5 on, all the time.
Every match, every Saturday, all the time.
From age 13 I also did a paper -round, and after a year, the front pages were as interesting as the back ones – so I got into the noise of politics.
I started to like the NEWS.
So Radio 5 on all the time. A lot of the time – that is when I wasnt trying to concentrate on studying or passing exams. It kept me sane during the need for complete concentration overload.
And then 20 years on there was THE BBC NEWS Channel.
I needed to keep being in the needing to know what’s going on. 2-3 hours at the end of the day, in a loop, same news, then ‘what the papers say’ about the same news, and then what people on twitter say about what the papers say about what the news is about the reaction to the papers on the news and the news about the papers and it goes on.
Oh and Question time and ‘that programme with Andrew Neil late on a Thursday which I used to think was boring when growing up but then somehow I thought it was interesting and more interesting than the actual news, but was still the news in a slightly sardonic kind of way.
And talking of sardonic, ‘comedy’ from the age of 14 was also about the the kind of satire on the news, like Have I got news for you with Roy Hattersley replaced by a tub of lard kind of funny and Angus Seaton being terminated because he was the news and then Mock the Week that I thought was funny then I didn’t think was funny but it was news and stuff and noise and NOISE and I needed NOISE to drown out everything and it consumed me.
And the noise was in the headphones so that I didnt need to feel anything, just hear the noise and be concentrating on the noise, and I would listen to podcasts of people doing funny things with the news and the sport and even the movies, but I wasnt really that into movies but I liked the noise of people who talked about the movies and I got to like movies as a result but it was the noise that was as important.
NOISE
TALKING
THINKING
BEING AWARE OF EVERYTHING
also
I didnt want to watch a movie or a box set, I didnt want my heart to be evoked, amazing as I think about it that the two films I watched in the 3 months to the breakdown and separation were 12 years a slave and The Color purple. But generally, current NOISE was what I needed. Keep focussing on out there…
And
Then
I stopped
watching
the
news.
I
Stopped
the
Noise.
I didnt have my own TV – and realised in a safe place, I didnt need the noise.
I stopped the noise of news
I stopped even listening
Safety and retreat meant being able to listen to a different beat.
My own
Not what I think and being on a need to constantly think
I needed to reduce the noise to hear myself
And now
The only time I listen to the Radio is when my daughter wants to put it on in the car.
Unpredictable news noise is out.
I dont want to know.
I was addicted to Noise, News noise
Sport Noise
Creating boundaries was and is something I need to continually revisit, but to this day, and 2 years almost to the day since I moved into my flat, I am yet to hear a live news broadcast in it, I am yet to pollute the soundwaves of my home with toxic Boris or anyone else.
I control the noise.
I decide how I consume the ‘news’ if at all.
And yes I am on social media…but that doesn’t have the same visceral reaction as on a screen
I still decide. I am not leaving a gaping hole in a boundary in which the news can filter in, whether true or propaganda, it doesnt have a place.
And what have I replaced it with? Well, Music of course. Just music, life giving, artistry, creativity, the prophetic and poetic, even the mundane and the middle of the road. And sometimes just silence.
Quiet.
Noise
The distant seagulls and the birds in the trees.
Maybe the noise of news and comedy was a very good crutch that I needed, and im grateful for it….but part of what I needed to do to heal, was change the rhythm completely, and I really haven’t gone back. Do I miss the BBC? nope.
Anyone panic when that message or that text or email arrives? From ‘that’ person?
Its like a shock, a reaction, pangs of fear, of guilt and brain on overload…
Sometimes it is just better to block them, to avoid this possibility, but what if that isn’t possible..there needs to be contact?
After 6 months of no contact, the abusive parents sent a few ‘contact bombs’ in the last few months
often its just a
‘dont forget about us’
‘dont try and have fun’
Ever notice how they do a scattergun of contact..to see who bites? – thats another tactic too, when it’s a whole family.. but
It got me thinking, when ‘that’ message appears… and after spending a moment to breathe, to regroup- what are some of the things to think about in receipt of the message, to decide what’s been said, being done, and what/if any response is actually required.
Heres an number that I’ve come up with
They usually lie- are they selling the truth this time?
it could be a half truth, hidden/masked – there often some truth in there… (what’s the lie cloaking it)
Whats the hidden message in this message?
How are they revealing themselves in this?
What are the verifiable facts of this situation?
What is the seriousness of this crisis- if it is one at all?
Could they solve it themselves..if they calm down?
When should I respond, because I don’t need to immediately?
What role am I being out in in this message ? Is it rescuer, persecutor or victim?
Is this your reponsibility to fix/rescue?
What does this message make me feel.. and what does my gut say?
Have I been in this position before and is it part of a pattern? – what can I do to step out?
What statement can I use in response , that allows me to be true to myself, and get the outcome I want?
What method is best to respond with, if a response is required…
Some of these might fit some situations better than others, some may not be appropriate at all. You dont have be the same with them that you have been before. You dont have to revert to a role. You dint even need to think that you have an obligation
the more questions you ask, the slower you are being, taking time, taking time back.
The only way someone else might change, is if you do – if you start responding differently.
If that reveals their anger, coded often in the next message…then that is also their responsibility.
Emotionally immature people exaggerate and distort everything – their crisis hasn’t been thought through by them, and so they’re dragging you into it – someone must save them, even if its just feeding the cat
It is always up to you to decide what level of response to give, independent of their pressure and wildfire emotions. If they make it a lack of love if you dont give them what they want, in their time..then see this as the emotional manipulation it is.
If you delay – but they refuse – they are promoting a distortion..that you dont matter as much as they do… again..you dont have to accept this offer of a skewed-one sided relationship. ‘I can’t believe you’re not doing this for me in my hour of need’ …step back out of this…
If you do give…decide what you are willing to..
And yes, some incidents may well require a response, if life or death or third party injury
A question to ask is what is about their request that causes the often immediate reaction, that had traditionally put me, and many others into that same whirlwind of emotional distortion and abuse.. often its one of three things
feeling bad for saying no
Being afraid of their anger
fearing being judged and punished
It was important for me to reflect on why my responses to emotionally abusive people were as they were, and if im honest it was all of the above at different times, im not going to deny this, having been the recipient of anger, or threats of anger, and also punished as a child. Feeling bad for saying no, was wrapped up in ‘being nice’ , ‘keeping the peace’ and also no concept of standing up for myself, just crumbling underneath projected anger of women, especially the parent. That fear/stuck moment I described at the top is that disconnection… breathing and reclaiming time and asking questions… as well as developing self awareness, and self respect (actually I deserve better that to be spoken to like this) is all key. As you know, it was therapy 28 months ago that started the emotional rebuild for me.
I also think that in a faith community some of these become attached to spiritual language to make them more manipulative ‘God wants you to love everybody’ ‘God wouldn’t want you to say no to me’ ‘Obey your parents..or else’ Read it as manipulation, and take out the spiritual stuff, because its weaponising with scripture.
So I want to end this, but saying… you dont have to agree with their judgement of you, or choose to take on the guilt that their distortion projects onto you
What that text arrives… breathe…pause…think…- and repeat this as necessary… remind yourself of you. And then decide if and an appropriate response.
Theres more on this in Lindsay C Gibsons book ‘Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents, 2019) chapter 4 – ‘Resisting the emotional take-over’.
In researching this piece I discovered this article
21 Signs of an abusive parent – It is highly accurate and triggering, but, if you are in any doubt of the nature of the relationship with your parents.
Would you add any other questions? or have any other strategies for dealing with this? Do share below, and thank you for reading, do share with anyone you know who is going through this kind of thing in an abusive relationship with partner, parents or others. If you’d like to support me, please do click the link on the right and buy me a coffee.. for about £3.. thank you
One of the confusing things about growing up and living with someone who is emotionally abusive (and this also applies to physically abusive too), is that they are rarely abusive all the time.
Some people are, and that id learned to switch off from my parents at an early age would indicate that I knew they were unsafe, and emotionally neglectful and immature.
Because if someone is abusive all the time, then, unless they were trapped in the relationship, and spousal, or parental relation is certainly entrapping, the person on the receiving end is more likely to leave, and do so pretty quick, especially if theres a safe alternative.
In my own experience of surviving abuse I was on the receiving end of this trick.
Its known as Breadcrumbing.
and for someone like me who likes watching wildlife, at Cowpen Bewley Duck pond, the image is pretty accurate.
Families every now and then show up with bread for the ducks. The left overs, the scraps. Its rarely/never the first slice of the sourdough or granary crusted loaf. But each time, the ducks swim to the shore, ready to be fed.
The problem with too much bread is that it causes issued with Ducks. But they forget and devour it anyway.
Its the same with Breadcrumbing.
Its like swallowing ultimately toxic bread, receiving the scrappy gifts from abuser, to keep you heading back to the shore. Like a pavlov dog, but in duck form.
This video is where I first came across there term, do have a look
Breadcrumbing in an abusive relationship has a number of aims, depending on the type of abuse.
To try and create confusion in your mind that this person isn’t always abusive/horrid
For the abuser to show to others that they are ‘trying’
For you to give them a second/another chance
In my own experience I’ve tasted the breadcrumbs. I think there’s a number of different types, both physical, verbal, emotional and financial. I probably don’t need to describe all the different options used some include:
Overly Expressive physical gifts
Sex
Promises of verbal affection ‘Im trying to be good’, ‘Ill try harder’ ‘ill say I love you every day..if you do’
Offering to help you when you’re in dire need, but this is out of character (abusers can love playing rescue, especially if you’re ill)
Financial gifts,
Being given a pay rise of 3% as NHS staff through the pandemic – when theres corruption elsewhere. (Yes, sometimes breadcrumbs are scattered to ‘feast on’ by the hungry ducks, when theres first class feasting happening elsewhere.
Some physical help, again to rescue you.
A one off, unguarded moment or experience that ‘wasn’t that bad’ – the fun stops when your feelings and needs are considered though…As long as you were enjoying their fun…
They might even ‘do’ something to keep you happy – like fulfil a request, like go to AA or therapy, but its only as a trick, and not done with authenticity
Whatever it is, its crumbs from the table, to keep you going back..
For some of us though, the crumbs themselves have been toxic, not even nice bread at all. I know of gifts given to me that make for uncomfortable receiving. Like trying to be grateful for a ‘gift’ of reduced priced food, or napkins, or presents that were clearly won on raffle tickets. Some of those gifts evoked beatings as a child, for not being ‘grateful’ , and I wasn’t the only one. On some occasions these were justified because I was just ‘spoilt’ for asking for too much.
One of the problems, as Lindsay C Gibson writes is that the breadcrumbs represent a kind of misplaced hope that we think ‘they may have changed’ or that ‘we think that the relationship may be better’ , and as a child what happens is that the child hops around that parent like an hungry bird, trying to elicit some kind of positive response from them. The abusive parent, or partner, gives away the occasional reason to keep hoping. Though some, as I experiences really dont bother.
Gibson writes that somer Emotionally immature parents can be generous, with a catch. (Gibson, C 2019) . Giving with their own tastes in mind, and what they would like to get, they give to themselves by proxy, and sometimes get it right, but rarely. And even though they say they might be ‘being fair’ the bread crumbing from parents is different to different children, as it fuels the division and projects the different roles for each of the siblings.
It makes sense though doesn’t it, and is a reason why the receiving of gifts is so difficult beyond an abusive relationship, because what’s been received has often been gifts chucked like breadcrumbs to the ducks.
The thing is, how many crumbs do you accept before realising it?
What do you do to realise its only the crumbs you’re getting, when you deserve better?
References
Gibson , Lindsay C – Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents 2019
I feel like there needs to be a broader conversation about men and processing emotions in day to day life, after incidents of violence and racism, and not just during special events like #mentalhealth awareness weeks. If football/alcohol cause the emotions to explode..
Then those emotions are lying dormant, waiting to come out. Yet, those emotions are themselves from other things, and the bottle/cork that contains them is kept tight, then its waiting to happen…and its a big release when it does
Its easier in the media to keep the blame game up and project anger continually , on the players that missed, the people who raged afterwards, the racists, so there maintains a cycle of perpetual anger, and yet also a realising that sport means so much…why?
So I ask, whats the cork, or bottle made of? what it the pain or trauma thats keeping the emotions under wrap (until alcohol loosens the cork) Someone to blame is one thing, it projects from inside that we made not more than it was, we ‘needed’ England to win…
and that need reveals. When Southgate held Sako, what, as a man did you feel? Grief, Hurt, Envy? Southgate held Sako in a way many of us as men have rarely encountered. Being heard, valued and seen as emotional beings, who are real.
Gave him a cuddle’ was the way in which the commentator said it… what about held, felt, grieved, allowed emotions to happen, made it safe to do so, even on a public stage.
Southgate showed an emotional maturity, empathy and warmth, that as a man, and a man in a leadership role, and on the public stage, is utterly incredible and inspiring. Yes its leadership, but its also character. It may be projecting but what Men might need more, is not …
the victory of the sport, but to be held, heard and validated, in the midst of their disappopintment, expectations and especially on the public sphere. Southgate showed how it is done.
Where might we turn to, as men, to process emotions more healthily? If we know Sport is the ‘release’ then maybe its time to look inside the bottle at whats fizzing around, to deal with it.
There are some links and resources on this website: as well as articles on trauma and emotions.. one of the first things though is to start to get close to the things that have caused the pain, to find safe place, to slow down. All easy to say ..
Because:
I couldn’t run away and pretend to survive forever. I though I was ok, but really wasn’t. I needed football, so I get it, I really do
I needed football, I admit it, in my previous blog here
I thought therapy was for weak people
I thought I didnt need it
I didnt want to face the monsters
I didnt think ‘my childhood’ was the problem
I hid emotions in the bottle, closed them off completely.
And in work I did exactly the same. Expectations of being responsible and leading, were aspects of the cork in the bottle.
We won’t find love, and healing in the space of the media. We’ll find pointers of it in places like @matthaig1 and others. Men (though its not just men) we have waking up to wake up to the cuddles we actually need, before taking out more destruction on others.
All I can say is, Gareth Southgate, thank you for showing that this is possible. Thank you for holding Sako, and in doing so holding all of us.
Not just because of a pandemic, but because we are all human and it is what we all need.
One of the hardest things for me about rebuilding after trauma is to do it.
Its not a linear thing, but I find it fascinating that what I needed in the midst of dealing the traumatic situations was a calm cool head, the oft said ‘breathe’ and as Van Der Kolk writes about, to use breathing to begin to bring the intellect into play, when in an emotionally traumatic experience.
If part of the rebuild after emotional trauma is to be in a safe place, a calm one, then its fascinating that the rebuild requires a active shift.
Research suggests that creative practices (Cappachione, 1988) and physical practices (Van Der Kolk 2014) are keys to the re-make post trauma.
So its a doing thing.
I have to participate in my own trauma rebuilding.
Id rather learn the theory.
Im used to creating spaces to help others do this
Im used to watching from the sidelines
I watch, while others dance.
Watching, rather than being active, Hobbies that have included transporting, birdwatching, all stemming from a need to be observant of others.
Yet I still find ‘doing’ recovery from trauma practices difficult, because it involves parts of me that have been inhibited, restricted, shamed into non being.
‘We dont do that sort of thing’ (Dance),
‘Thats a bit weird and of the devil’ (Yoga),
‘Dont make a mess , we dont want to clutter up the kitchen with these drawings’ (Art and Creativity), dont be silly, dont be messy.
Its like to trying to de-concentrate and just do.
Id rather write a blog about why I find doing trauma remaking practices difficult than pick up a wax crayon. But its so that I didnt have to write this line, that the last week I have been picking up the wax crayons.
Thats the thing though, I have to let my head stop. Yet its what I needed to survive.
I need to just do. Let my body do.
I may have read about theory of trauma, but unless its a tick box exercise, Id avoid the exercises in even the list of resources in the menu above.
It was only in front of my therapist that I drew a picture.
Draw something on a sheet of paper. No – I cant draw
Go on – No – why, its pointless
Do it….No its silly
Its like learning to swear and get it out. Let feelings loose
Use crayons and scribble, let it happen…
Theres so many reasons why I find participating in my own healing difficult.
So many excuses not to, because theres other peoples to think of
But also, so used to being the observer to other peoples existence, the soother of others pain, concentrating to stay safe, being told not to feel, easily distracted by the safety of helping others, and having my brain engaged in debates, or the empathy and response patterns of social media.
It means me being selfish with my time. Investing in myself as I reparent myself.
My remaking after trauma and through it involved my participation.
Just doing it. Like there Nike Advert.
Im glad my therapist recommended this book: ‘Recovery of your inner child’ by Lucio Cappachione to me. Because, although it contains some writing, it also has many exercises to actually do. Things I had to do. Myself.
Things I had to do and feel. Do and respond to.
Im not sure its possible to theorise my way out of trauma. Or to watch others. Or just to talk about it.
Remaking after trauma is a participation thing, that I have to do.
What about you? Are you in that mindset struggle to ‘do’ the practices of self care/healing? Do you have strategies, things you tell yourself? Do share below:
James Ballantyne 