James Ballantyne

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  • Why I’m enjoying Euro 2020: Its because I don’t need it

    Why I’m enjoying Euro 2020: Its because I don’t need it

    I realised something the other day, Im quite enjoying the football at Euro 2020 (in 2021, but you know, Covid etc) , and its not just having the crowds back in, or just from yesterdays two thrilling games of 14 goals with France, Switzerland , Spain and Croatia. But its something else. I cant even watch much of it, with no TV or license, and im not listening to Radio 5 either.

    I realised that I’m not needing the football this year.

    There have been two fairly constant aspect of my life since I was a young teenager, Faith has been one of them, and football has been another. (Some would argue that food has too, but maybe thats for another story)

    I needed football. Football took me on emotional roller coasters

    It shaped my yearly calendar, the end of the season was also summer, then a tournament.

    It gave me an outlet.

    It also gave me a space to hide away.

    I could literally shut out everything and everyone else to focus on football.

    I still can.

    But it gave me an escape.

    I needed it for its drama, and I needed the journey of a summer tournament of the existential hope of an England tournament victory to keep me going.

    So when they got knocked out, usually by penalties, usually by Germany, it wasnt just the end of hope. It was the return, for a few months of real life. I needed football. Its role in my life was 90 minutes each evening on my teenage bed listening to Radio 5, the soothing noise of people commentating.

    It was painful when England lost, when my team (Man Utd lost), because something in me needed them to be a source of joy, of hope, of belief.

    I needed it as a distraction, a drug, a hope, to be a fan, and yet ive tried to give it up in the past, but sometimes it was a safe place, a distraction. Time away from somewhere unsafe and toxic and Radio 5 in the earphones walking the dog, or driving the car. The filling of my head of a different noise to drown out the pain.

    What I discovered, through a breakdown, a complete life rebuild from scratch and in the recovering and understanding of trauma was that I could just have carried on on that cycle of adding further activity to the mind and life, and not deal with the actual need. What I needed was less of the other, and more attention to me. I can enjoy football more, now, because I dont need it.

    As I said in my first piece on this blog, I get the obsession, I get the need. I get the use of football for men to talk about which is safe. And I know there are some good people in football who are talking about football and mental health, depression and dealing with significant life problems, like Mark Goldbridge for one, and on his United Stand there are always many people who thank him for talking about Mental Health, and being real about emotions.

    I still like football. But if you feel like you need it, as an escape, a distraction from things in your life that you aren’t choosing to deal with, then, even after basking in an England win over Germany this evening, maybe listen to that voice, that inner voice inside that gnawing away at you, as it gnawed away at me. If its masking a pain, then maybe its time to say out loud what that pain is, acknowledge it, whether its abuse, neglect, shame, guilt, drink or drug problems, maybe its time to stop and listen, and begin life, that includes football, and includes a you that is healthier. Football isnt a therapist, unlike a therapist, or a dog might be.

  • Healing of wounded history : A Prayer

    A beautiful blessing on the healing of wounded history ( from John O’Donahue) , that I saw share by Andy Raine and wanted to post here as a gift and reminder to myself.

    For Someone Awakening To The Trauma of His or Her Past:

    For everything under the sun there is a time.

    This is the season of your awkward harvesting,

    when the pain takes you where you would rather not go,

    through the white curtain of yesterdays

    to a place, you had forgotten

    you knew from the inside out;

    and a time when that bitter tree was planted

    that has grown always invisibly beside you

    and whose branches your awakened hands

    now long to disentangle from your heart.

    You are coming to see how your looking often darkened

    when you should have felt safe

    enough to fall toward love,

    how deep down your eyes were always owned by something

    that faced them through a dark fester of thorns

    converting whoever came into a further figure of the wrong;

    you could only see what touched you as already torn.

    Now the act of seeing begins your work of mourning.

    and your memory is ready to show you everything,

    having waited all these years for you to return and know.

    Only you know where the casket of pain is interred.

    You will have to scrape through all the layers of covering

    and according to your readiness, everything will open.

    May you be blessed with a wise and compassionate guide

    who can accompany you through the fear and grief

    until your heart has wept its way to your true self.

    As your tears fall over that wounded place,

    may they wash away your hurt and free your heart.

    May your forgiveness still the hunger of the wound,

    so that for the first time you can walk away from that place,

    reunited with your banished heart, now healed and freed,

    and feel the clear, free air bless your new face.

    John O’Donohue, ( from ‘To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings’)

  • When the battle for our mind shifts

    When the battle for our mind shifts

    You must control your mind Harry, don’t let Voldemort find his way in to control you

    That was one of the main weapons that Voldemort used to control Harry. He got into his dreams, he got into his mind. He set up scenarios so that Harry would jump to the rescue to be the hero.

    It was a battle that Dumbledore, Snape, Ron and Hermione tried to encourage Harry to put a stop too in most of the last 3 Books.

    Control your mind Harry.

    Control it. Dont let him in.

    Dealing with an abuser is a battle of the mind.

    They torment dreams. At unlikely moments cause pain in the forehead, the ears, the mind.

    Shock. Terror. Fear. Shame. Guilt.

    Harry had to try, and was largely unsuccessful in controlling his mind.

    When we’ve been in traumatic incidents our minds are affected. Fragmented, Damaged.

    We also over think the situation. At least I have done in the past. Mind not stopping. Its as if the abuser wants to keep that part of us guessing. Keep that part of us moving all the time. Second guessing their behaviour. Relaying the wound of a previous torment back into our bodies, adrenaline. Vigilance. Scared.

    Control your mind Harry.

    When we’re over thinking…how are you breathing? How am I breathing..what have I noticed? I stopped breathing, I need to start..but..slowly…

    What else do I notice?

    I can’t think straight…I cant think of the possibilities..Im in fear, terror, react, fight, flight, freeze response… I cant breathe..

    You must Control your mind Harry….

    Dont let Voldemort in….

    But then something strange happens.

    Gradually, as Harry works out the patterns, Gradually as Harry works out Voldemorts weaknesses, Gradually the game shifts.

    Harry deliberately opens his mind. Because thats where Voldemort reveals himself. Thats where Harry can see what he is up too. The power shifts.

    Harry has the power, in his mind.

    He has worked out the patterns, Harry is stronger, Harry isn’t reactive, that which Harry has been abused by, is what Harry uses to assume control and power. He sees it and Voldemort for what he is. Harry has also learned not to react immediately. Hermione slows him down.

    Once we see the same patterns of our abusers we can see the way out. They have, largely the same patterns. They often rely on our immediate responses, responses out of fear, guilt or shame. Most of the time no response, or no, will reveal them for who they are. Patterns like DARVO for one, and The Drama Triangle.

    My mind used to be all over the place, but thats how I dealt with what I was going through, by not dealing with it. Shut everything off, but only keep the mind open. Full time concentration. It has only since I have been in a safe place where I have relaxed, and realised I dont have to concentrate all the time. What I have also realised and am learning is how to respond to the infrequent emotionally immature communications from the abusers. Sometimes I think it would be better to block them, cut them off at source, other times, like Harry , it could just be important to be able to keep an eye on them, especially if other people might be in danger because of them.

    I love how the power shifts in that last Harry Potter book, revealing to us all what it takes to have power over those who we have been terrified of. It starts with being more self aware, slowing down, and realising that we dont have to respond, crucially also Harry found this more able to do in places where he was safe. Surrounded by those who love and support him and also in safe distance. When we change. When we see. We see something different. We see that we have power.

  • Don’t be afraid, of the you inside

    Don’t be afraid, of the you inside

    Do not be afraid

    of the you under the skin

    like a solid orange

    with a lava interior

    You are not the labels you gave yourself

    Someone made you anxious

    Someone gave you fear

    Someone gave you shame

    These are not your labels, just layers

    Do not be afraid

    of the you under the skin

    that hot fire

    pure within

    that’s you

    You are not the labels that helped you cope

    Survival by being helpful

    Survival by hiding way

    Gave you reason and hope

    But dont be afraid of the you inside

    and the treasure you are about to find.

    (James Ballantyne, 2021)

  • Healing: as we slow down

    When you are so busy that you feel perpetually chased

    when your worrying thoughts circle around your head

    when the future seems dark and uncertain

    when you are hurt by someone has said

    Slow

    down

    Even for a moment.

    What do you hear?

    What..does..you’re..body..feel?

    What does the sky look like ?

    Only when we slow down can we finally see our relationships, our thoughts, our pain

    As we slow down, we are no longer tangled in them

    We can slowly step out and appreciate them for what they are.

    The faces of our family and colleagues whop always help, the scenery we pass by every day

    but..fail to notice, our friends stories that we fail to pay attention to

    in the stillness of the

    pause…

    the entirety of our being is quietly revealed

    Wisdom is not something we have to strive to acquire.

    Rather, it arises naturally as we slow down and notice what is already there.

    As we notice more and more in present moment, we come to a deeper realisation that as silent observer is within us.

    In the primordial stillness the silent observer witnesses everything inside and outside.

    Befriend the silent observer. Find out where it is, and what shape it has assumed.

    Do not try to imagine it as something you already know. Let all your thoughts and images merge back into silence and just sense the observer already in silence.

    If you see the face of the silent observer, then you have found your original face, from before you were born.

    Haemin Sumin, The Things you can see only when you slow down (2012)

    The Epilogue of this book, written in full, for you, a gift, an encouragement, to slow down, and let the silence speak and for us to see more as we notice.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 18) Survival Self talk

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 18) Survival Self talk

    I was convinced I was adopted.

    Or at least, thats what I often kept telling myself, when I pondered things as I walked home from school or time in my bedroom. Im nothing like my parents, I think different, I am different. I cant be theirs.

    I think I even asked them once, only for the cruel blow to be taken away from me, the next time they did an annual ‘slide show’ evening, those baby photos were there.

    Often the worst parents want to convince you that you are like them. It excuses them.

    So I wondered at the time if I was adopted.

    Survival self talk enabled me to get through most of my childhood

    Its only a few more years of this until I leave home

    I know that God is with me, I think

    If I stay in my room, and only appear for meals, then that reduces time with her

    Actually I can stay out late, its light till 9 or 10

    I would talk these things to myself over and over, most days

    And I really did think I was adopted. It was the only way that I made sense.

    Personal identity self talk, because it couldn’t be that I was actually like them. That would be crushing.

    Other survival self talk went like this

    Stay out of the way

    Dont make a mess

    Dont give her a reason to punish you

    The problem with growing up in an abusive household, is that even if you think you are doing the right thing, they will find a way, or reason to be critical.

    Homework being done, was being done messy.

    Keeping out of their way, was interpreted as ‘treating the house like a hotel’

    They had rules that kept changing to ensure that they couldn’t be worked out.

    Their, actually her, inconsistency that made eggshell walking a daily sport.

    So even if I thought I was self talking a survival strategy – the rug was pulled.

    My other self talk that I told myself was that

    Say what you like, I dont think what you’re saying is true

    Im not these things, but carry on shouting them anyway

    Ill take the punishment, but im hardening up

    I know that im actually ok, and no one else I know thinks of me as bad as you do.

    So I learned to take the blows, because I also knew that that was what home was like, what was normal.

    Outside of which no one thought of me as anything like what she did.

    So I knew I was ok.

    And if anyone knew of me a few years ago in the midst of the recent breakdown. I knew then I was ok too.

    Survival self talk, managing to claim an identity and knowledge of myself despite what happened.

    Im no hero, but I resolved to ignore them, and knowing myself, despite them, from such an early age. I didn’t have survival on my mind, but I was calculating how to navigate eggshells. So I guess it was.

    One thing I had to do to Survive psychopathic parenting was positive survival self talk.

  • Healing is like an iron clad onion

    The first layer is the toughest to crack.

    It took something major for me, it might do for you

    To admit, finally.

    To creak open that iron clad exterior

    That protector.

    That protective layer.

    That thing you’ve been using to hide everything vulnerable inside.

    Staying busy

    Helping others

    Survival of the responsible-ist

    until it cracks

    reveals a tiny slither of the next layer

    soil. Brown dirt. Mess.

    The clean up is about to start.

    The recent pain – on the exterior, just under the surface.

    Time to get it clean.

    Cleanse. Brush it off. Wipe.

    But what’s that smell? discovering that the core is trying to make itself known

    An energy that pushed open the iron clad skin

    The voice from within

    Healing is like an iron clad onion

    Seeing new layers

    Having them shed

    peeling them away

    being pushed from the core

    New layers all the time

    Codependency, Emotions, Fears,

    Layers of pain

    stop to let tears flow

    they do

    they will

    Work to remove

    Sometime need professional chefs to prize them open

    Therapists with a culinary hand

    and time

    to gradually peel off some

    very

    slowly

    carefully

    ones that

    have hidden

    for decades

    Voices.

    Abuse.

    Feelings.

    Shame.

    Fear.

    Layers that are labelled.

    That hide the core.

    A loving, caring hand to hold, and peel the layer.

    Revealing the next.

    Healing is like an iron clad onion.

    Exposing the next layer

    Raw, Vulnerable

    Getting closer to it each time. Holding

    it tenderly.

    Not beating the onion like an egg, or treating it like a tennis ball.

    Held lovingly.

    Gentle.

    Not rushing.

    Healing revealing

    new layers to peel.

    New parts to heal.

    Flesh wounds

    Hurts.

    Heart.

    That stopped beating.

    Hidden

    Healing is like an iron clad onion.

    With a core wanting to be revealed

    Wanting to be

    Just be.

    Not covered

    in layers

    Free

    to

    be

    again.

  • Abusive Mothers: Some Children do ‘ave them

    (More than as as society we would want to admit)

    Culturally we have a problem with admitting and accepting that birth mothers are abusive. Its bad enough trying to go against the myth that they couldn’t be loving, kind and supportive.

    Abusive fathers feature in films, books and TV series. I noted one the other day, the hero/sporty trope as Troys dad in High School Musical, there are many others. (watch it again, not just for the music)

    Abusive Step Mothers appear onto the scene to wreck the idyllic lives of Disney characters – see Cinderella for one.

    Children have to overcome the loss of their real parents, (Cinderella again), and also Harry Potter, and these are replaced by abusive guardians. I couldn’t call them care givers, they dont care., at least not about anyone but themselves.

    When Mothers are seen to be abusive, theres often a mitigating factor, Dad is also abusive, they are alcoholic, they had their own issues, both current, and historic.

    Its as if there has to be a reason that a person, a mother especially, would not be caring, supportive etc.

    On Twitter Laura Corbeth shared this the other day, it struck a chord. Its as if we’re still not ready for the conversation.

    Its even as if there is mounting evidence of narcissistic, sociopathic, bullying women in society, in politics for one, but the thought that even these bullies in the workplace would be different for their kids…

    Some of those myths I wrote about in this post.

    Abusive Mothers exist. Some Children do ‘ave them.

    So, whilst I compare notes of the children’s fiction stories I have read in the last few months there has been one key difference. There is no doubt to me that Harry Potters development is about overcoming trauma, of the death of his parents, and also the physical, emotional and neglectful abuse of his appointed guardians.

    Roald Dahl is brave, and in his fictional story ‘ Matilda’ he casts the main character as the survivor and flourisher within a myriad of toxic relationships. The Driven, Crooked, Dad , the blonde, passive, materialistic mother who plays pacifier, but not protector. There is also the abusive Headmistress who Dahl gives away the strategy for all bullying behaviour. Do it so that it is so shocking. Anyway, back to the parents. They are her Parents.

    What they do is split up the children. There is only two of them.

    The other brother is mediocre but the favourite, high expectations.

    Matilda, is younger sister, has hidden talent, is highly clever, and realises that she has to make it through life alone, with no support, encouragement, resources – and on the back end of criticism, neglect, and no emotional support whatsoever ever.

    It may be said that the Dad is the stronger of the abusers in the story, but what it does show is that the nurturing supportive mother is utterly lacking. As I said above, the reasons for this may well be that Matildas mother is in the shadows of the domineering narcissistic entitled father. But theres no attempt that Matildas Mother does little other than reveal the depravity of her father to Matilda.

    In this good reads list, Matilda appears as one of few books in which Abusive Parents are described.

    In this piece, the author describes the signs that you have an abusive mother.

    They include:

    • Constant criticism
    • Eratic responses
    • Shame and guilt to manipulate
    • Being blamed for her situation
    • The silent treatment
    • Its your job to keep her happy (or ‘the peace’)
    • Nothing you do is good enough for her
    • You had to earn things you received (or had to beg, because it was what was needed only)
    • No Privacy
    • Speaks in an aggressive or belittling way.
    • Wont allow you to be yourself

    Theres alot more in the article. Theres more that I would add to this and ive written about them in my survivor story.

    Its difficult to comprehend if your parents are half decent (none are perfect) , at least some element of maternal, supportive, nurturing. Maybe Its because Its seems so out of the ordinary that it becomes difficult to comprehend.

    I remember watching other children in nursery running to their mums as they came to collect them. So that means I didnt. I knew. As Ive written before I did just know, but as a child there was no way out, and no way of being able to describe it.

    Gaslighting

    Walking on Eggshells

    Toggling between abuser and victim like a light switch

    Having no empathy

    Taking no responsibility for the nature of the relationship

    Blaming others.

    Being accused of things that are so untrue – Matilda the great reader of books resented being told she was ignorant and stupid, when she was actually a genius.

    Sometimes, for me, I wonder if it would have been easier to turn up at school hiding bruises. The one off hit. The physical obvious mark. Emotional abuse is far more difficult to articulate. Especially when the perpetrators of it are good at invalidating the victim first. Matilda’s Dad had already sounded out to the abusive headteacher. They triangulate to force the victim into silence, and instils fear and division so that you get to feel utterly alone, and bewildered. Im not sure which books read to enable her to see the patterns, or whether she just responded to the abuse each time. But it can take years to articulate, even if everyone knew. And Im not negating anyone who is physically abused, not in the slightest.

    If this has been your struggle, then theres resources above to help you identify, if you know of a child who is in this situation, then this list of books may help them to become more self aware emotionally in the midst of a damaging situation. It will all help.

    The problem of abusive parents is something we have to take seriously, and spot the signs in the child.

    Its a reality we just doing want to believe. But for the sake of so many children, and now grown up adults. We must.

  • Growing though Trauma (personally and collectively)

    Growing though Trauma (personally and collectively)

    In my last piece I shared a little about how we love ourselves through healing, what it means to be kind on ourselves, as we do so, forgiving our missteps, not over dwelling on the tiny attempts to try that fail in the bigger picture of overall healing. Today I have come across this concept. Post Traumatic Growth, after reading this tweet.

    The staggering thing for me is that this is only 10%.

    But then again, I realise that looking back how many times in the last 10 years I ignored the warning signs. How scared I was to try and deal with things that I couldn’t describe. How I thought I could just ‘keep going’ and be ok (a trauma response in itself).

    Thats me overthinking to the point where it was ‘safer’ and ‘easier’ to stay stuck, swirling in the muck of abusive relationships.

    Healing is undoubtedly about growing, and changing. As you change, others around you either do, or dont, and reveal themselves through their actions (even if their words say something different).

    And to anyone reading this, especially, but not exclusively men, – lets not be afraid to change, and become a better version of ourselves.

    That ‘self-help’ guru that you dismissed in your criticism, that you now have to admit is right… thats ok. Humble pie is good, when it means that you are healing too.

    That breakdown, that illness, that continual knowing ache… might be the sign and symptom that is trying to tell you something, that something isn’t right, and a reason to stop.

    One of the key factors in helping me to grow, was that 2 of the friends who walked with me through the easiest time had also been through therapy, had also experienced what I had in different ways. They were the wise guides, showing me paths that I could take (though never forcing it).

    I recognise some of myself in this article. I have been relentlessly optimistic about my own capacities since I was about 11 and a strong, if coherent, sense of self, even in the difficult times, and doing lot of practical and written tasks to keep going, though I also know that my coping styles were avoidance , not wanting to deal with things. Maybe thats a key one for us all.

    Learning to turn around and face the trauma.

    To name it, see it, and understand it for what it is.

    To deal with the root thats been nagging away.

    It was for me. Maybe it is for you.

    Theres definitely no sense of ‘look at me ive made it’ as I write, dealing with trauma is an ongoing struggle, healing and recovery takes time, and requires so many new, daily moments of inner work. Its too simple to say ‘What doesnt kill you makes you stronger’, too trite. As in this piece..

    But as stories and literature often reveal, it is possible not only to recover from trauma, but to actually grow from it and flourish. Suffering has long been romanticized in literature, art, and folklore as transformative and empowering. There is an element of truth to this concept. But it needs to be looked at more closely. Simply experiencing suffering and trauma does not guarantee that you will become a better, stronger person for it. This attitude is a trite and irresponsible one that men for centuries have used as an excuse to abuse their children in the name of “toughening them up.”

    From Growth and Recovery through trauma in Psychology Today

    Also, this isnt trying to say that ‘if you do this, X happens’ , for me the growth happened in the process and took a lot of work. It’s not a promise, but it could be a new reality. Its about how to rethink the abuse, how to put ourselves in the centre of our lives, and this takes significant effort.

    Right now, approximately 50% of you who have experienced trauma are reading this and saying, “I’m supposed to be grateful for all the crud that happened to me? Each day, I struggle for even a modicum of what other people take for granted. There’s no amount of ‘growth’ that can stop me wishing this hadn’t been my life.”

    Post-traumatic growth is not a given. We’re not going to gloss over the long arduous road to recovery from trauma that for the most part does not feel victorious or courageous for those who are on it. However, at least 50% of survivors have found that they can begin to define themselves and their communities by their strengths and that in no small way these strengths have been forged by adversity.

    Taken from https://www.echotraining.org/the-promise-of-post-traumatic-growth-part-ii/

    “Out of the hottest fire comes the strongest steel.” – Chinese proverb

    My hope is that this piece is an encouragement to you. Not a burden of expectation. My hope is that it causes you to see what can be possible, what is possible. We dont choose the trauma we have experienced, but we can start t choose how we heal from them, how we live our lives from and beyond them. In the midst of it all, tiny shoots of green start to appear. They may be tender. They may be small. But they are there.

    Additionally: Since 2020 its not just a personal thing, trauma, whilst we have all experienced the effects of Covid in different ways, how we rebuild from it, healthily may have something to do with what our reactions have been during it, this piece on ‘Why PTG might be what we all need in 2021′ has some helpful insights in it.

  • Recovering and Healing (Part 7) Self-sufficient me had to ask for help.

    Recovering and Healing (Part 7) Self-sufficient me had to ask for help.

    I had no money, no job, no knowledge of where the next week was and was told to be out of my house.

    Self sufficient me.

    For the best part of the previous 18 months I had been trying to grow my own produce, carrots, herbs, chillies, potatoes, onions, courgettes, radishes, lettuces, peppers, garlic (40 bulbs) .

    For the best part of the previous 17 years I had been the person who helped others. The passionate supportive helpful youth and community worker. The person who wrote to be helpful. The quintissential but unhealthy Enneagram 2.

    For the best part of the previous 40 years I had had to deal with emotional trauma mostly alone.

    I had grown up, knowing that I had make life happen for me, the ‘internaliser‘ ‘The Mature for his age kid‘ , The person other people went to for advice. The person, who looked like they were ok.

    The person who struggled to know what they wanted or needed, though, because I was used to coping. Used to battling through. Used to survival.

    Used to not wanting other people to help me.

    Used to keeping people at arms length, especially when they asked any difficult question.

    I faced a choice. Being homeless, desperate and walking the streets, or asking for help.

    Being vulnerable.

    Having to ask

    I wasnt used to this.

    Survival and coping alone was my trauma response.

    I just had to ‘deal with it’

    I just had to ‘take responsibility’

    The abusers needs greater than mine. So I only hid mine.

    But now im at my lowest point.

    With nowhere to go.

    Something has to give. Something has to change. Lucky for me I chose the right person.

    I didn’t want to ask for help

    and… given my past – who would I ask?

    I was used to not doing so, the kind of ‘help’ in the past had been with strings attached, emotionally loaded, or met with ridicule.

    I was supposed to meet their needs.

    I had to let someone else..help me.

    That was one of my first lessons, that I had no choice but to learn, the hard way, with tears streaming. I have nowhere to live, no money, no job, and nothing

    Do you want to live with me?

    Was the response.

    Grateful.

    That I had asked.

    I didnt want to be a burden. I didnt want to look weak. I didnt want to ask

    I had no reference point to any of these things.

    I had always coped..tried to cope…or avoided.

    Learning to ask for help

    Learning to trust that I might have friends who might not think I was crazy.

    Learning to trust that I was deserving of help

    Learning to realise that other people might want to ‘be there’ for me.

    I didn’t have to be the strong one.

    Men, you dont have to be.

    (Neither do women either)

    It wasnt weak to ask for help. It was bloody hard and I didn’t want to

    It wasnt weak to need someone else.

    I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t.

    Survival alone, and not asking for help, was my trauma response.

    Self sufficient me, was now not alone. Self Sufficient me began to realise that he was actually loved. Self sufficient me, began to be in community.

    All I needed to do was ask. Yet it felt like the hardest thing to do in the world.

    To say. To admit. To ask.

    To ask for help. That was one of the many things I had to begin to do, from Rock bottom.