James Ballantyne

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  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 5): The Little Grown Up

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 5): The Little Grown Up

    Turn up at a church youth group hiding scratch marks under your sleeve, or bruises on your arm, and you are treated as a project, someone who needs attention and even too damaged to be considered useful.

    Turn up as someone considered ‘mature for their age’, who thinks of others more than themselves, is able to listen and support people, and has no physical marks of the emotional damage, and they get funnelled into leadership.

     

    Mature for his age

    He’s a kind lad

    He likes to help people

     

    I abandoned my  childhood.

    Because there was no point in being a child any more. What was the point of being childish, when nurture as a child wasn’t offered, far better to become self reliant, sufficient and work towards being an adult.

    Keep out of trouble, so not to upset the eggshells – might equal maturity in the eyes of an organisation like a church that equally seeks a level of conformity, and so church and me easily fit in together once it was safe.

    But going up in an emotionally abusive home doesn’t give you the physical scars.

    If anything, it gave me the fine emotionally attuned skills to have an open door for others to dump their issues and concerns on. That was how I thought I would be friends with people. I grew up a walking codependent, and that made me a good friend for many, and prime for a role in a church, growing up quick meant leadership from a young age.Merit Patches : Playwell Martial Arts, The UK's Largest Online Martial Arts Superstore | Est 1995

    Without any obvious needs, and had been encouraged not to have any of my own, I became the little grown up. At age 11 I realised I had to make the path for my own life, I got tidy (as well as being clever) and made school work for me, excelled at it, and ended with good grades. (this was also a ploy to stay out of trouble too)

    If you had a self reliant personality, your parent wouldn’t have seen you as the needy child for whom he or she could play the role of rescuing parent. Instead you may have been pegged as the child without needs, the little grown up (Gibson, Lindsey C, 2016

    And as a little grown up, I sought friends who were also grown up, adults rather than peers, or the ‘maturer’ peers in school, to have more in-depth chats, and likewise the youth leader, the adults in church. Taking on responsibility, I led Sunday school groups at age 12, youth club at 16.  Working from 13 as a paper boy, babysitting and then in supermarkets, I rarely to this day asked my parents for money, and became self reliant to an extent (not that they offered it mind, unless it was couched in favouritism or rescue mentality) , and have gone through 2 degree courses and 25 years of life since leaving home, without asking, and having to be self reliant.

    Interestingly, self sufficient children who dont spur their parents to become enmeshed are often left alone to create a more independent and self determined life. Therefore, they can achieve a level of self development exceeding that of their parents. In this way, not getting attention can actually pay off in the long run (Gibson, 2016)

    So, on this basis, growing up fast was not only my only survival option, but also growing up and not needing them was in my favour. I was the little grown up, caring for others, including the parent, and learned very quickly to withhold my own needs, or find my own resources in which to have them met. Growing up and connecting in a church community , also meant that it was easy to find roles, and spaces in which growing up and taking responsibility was encouraged and affirmed, and where I could become the person I needed to be. The person that left childish and childlike ways behind.

    Links to all the resources I mentioned are in the menu above.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 4) – Asbestos feet; From Eggshells to Empathy.

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 4) – Asbestos feet; From Eggshells to Empathy.

    Thank you for reading, this is part 4 of my survival story, do check out parts 1-3 in the menu to the right, though each part can be read separately. This one may contain details that could trigger. 

    Growing up with psychopathic emotionally immature parents allowed me to develop asbestos feet, with all the walking on eggshells that I had to do.

    Now I know, if God had desired that we were to find asbestos feet useful maybe we would have been created with them, so maybe they are more a product of how the human child adapts to survive in such unnurturing circumstances.

    Using eggshells to remove toxic water pollutants | News | Chemistry World

    I had soft feet. Eggshells hurt. Like they would do if they are stood on.

    Apparently I had to toughen up, and develop proverbial asbestos feet, by the very person who was relaying the floor with a layer of eggshells to walk on.

    Sometimes there’d be a bomb in and amongst the eggshell too, or a place of glass, just to cut deeper, all just to ‘help’ me to develop ‘thicker’ skin.

    Given that I had no choice as a child, its loyalty or punishment, then, I learned to pretend, to fake agreeing, agreeing to being the role that was compliant, and trying to navigate a pathway full of emotional eggshells and explosives, that sometimes went off, other times just the fear of them was enough.

    Its one thing advising people how not to walk on eggshells when you’re at work, but what if thats your entire home existence, you might as well have been born with asbestos feet, because they get to be needed pretty early on.

    My Psychopath parent was of the emotionally fragile and unpredictable variety, in this post I share the 12 common features of emotionally immature parents, taken from Lindsay Gibsons book.

    If other people are getting more attention, they find ways to draw attention back to themselves, such as interrupting, firing off zingers that get everyones attention, or changing the subject. If all else fails they may pointedly withdraw, look bored or otherwise communicate that they are disengaged – behaviours that ensure that the focus stays on them. (Lindsey C Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, 2016)

    What you get to realise is that the eggshells appear when they are not centre of attention. When you have to ask for something, when you might want to disagree, when you try to put your needs first

    I learned not to bother. Any time I did was met with emotional outburst.

    Survival just meant growing asbestos feet, and wearing bomb proof clothing.

    Emotional shielding from the impending storm. Fear. Terror. Because you just know that a bomb had gone off, and one will go off again.  So dont dare upset them, just keep the peace, dont rock the boat, tip toe around them. Comply or hide.

    When emotional parents disintegrate, they take their children with them into their personal meltdown. Their children experience their despair, rage or hatred in all its intensity. Its no wonder everyone in the family feels like they are walking on eggshells. These parents emotional instability is the most predictable thing about them. (Gibson, 2016)

    And as the following indicates, it may not be in the workplace that some of you saw this in my parents. Though, I am pretty sure they didnt hide it very well. They left a trailblazer of shocking behaviour everywhere, and when challenged would not be able to see it as shocking. In which case it wouldn’t really matter if they were in a professional role in which character was important, like being a vicar for example, as long as in their job they could hide it…

    Their fluctuating moods and reactivity make them unreliable and intimidating. And while they may act helpless and usually see themselves as victims, family life always revolves around their moods. Although they often control themselves outside the family, where they can follow a structured role (not always I might add) within the crucible of intimate family relationships they display their full impulsivity, especially if intoxicated. It can be shocking to see ow no-holds-barred they get. (Gibson, 2016)

    However, my survival story is about me.

    As a result of this, I learned to put other people first, and my needs firmly second, or third. Though, that doesn’t stop emotionally immature people of accusing me of being selfish (when I might dare to put my needs first).  Learning how to navigate eggshells is about attuning to the needs of the other, attuning to the emotional cues of the most emotionally fragile in the room, responding to the needy. It’s codependancy. But thats what I had to do to survive, forgo myself. Because even though I should stand up to other people when they bully, the full force of victimhood, shame and loyalty would emerge if they were stood up to.

    Being overly attentive to other peoples feelings and emotions is no bad thing.

    Actually yes it is. That could end in empathy enmeshment.

    Being attentive is no bad thing, its about having empathy that seeks to understand, and compassion that enables that person to make their own decisions in the actions to alleviate their situation.

    Telling our story is about putting me as the main character of this, not the other person. From Eggshells to empathy, how I learned to be who I am, in the way I am from the start I was given.  It has taken me a very long time to actually put me first. Part of surviving trauma is to narrate the story of and see it for what it is and was, and becoming aware of how I survived and what resources I used to be able to. Developing rubber feet to walk on eggshells, when there was no sledgehammer to crush them smooth, a new layer would be put down.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (part 3): Trainspotting (at Clapham Junction)

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (part 3): Trainspotting (at Clapham Junction)

    One way of surviving psychopathic parents was to become immersed in the world of trainspotting.

    The drugs, alcohol and destruction, and why I resonate with this 1996 film

    Trainspotting ver2.jpg

    Though I joke somewhat, reacting to emotional abuse can easily easily end in a life that is filled with the destructive elements, that this film was renowned for.

    Trainspotting – IFC Center

    It is not the trainspotting I mean.

    The trainspotting that helped me survive psychopathic parenting was more of this variety:

    What Southern Region EMU class is this? - Southern Electrics - RMweb

    When I was staying at my grandparent house in the south of England, going to railway stations and watching these and others speed through the cacophony of busy commuter stations like Clapham junction or Redhill, or ones like this from my own home in the midlands, the class 47s around the curves of the midland main line

    47474 BNS 1987 Steve Jones.jpg

    as they sped past the line at the bottom of my street and from my outside window, and more latterly in the mid 1980s, the Intercity HSTs..

     

    InterCity 125 - Wikipedia

     

    If researching the history of 1980’s EMU (electric multiple units) and class 47 and 43’s is not your thing, which I dont expect it to be, then thats ok, aside from the noise, the speed and the energy of these metallic beasts, the thing that trainspotting channelled in me, and also helped to create, was my  sense of observation and perception.  I discovered I was able to read the numbers pretty quick, I could see from a distance the train on approach, I could hear the rails vibrating (they’re nearly always vibrating at Clapham) , but, you just know when the train is approaching, as well as this, the ‘OFF’ light comes on at a station, the staff get out onto the platform, passengers swell it too.

    I was as enthralled by the process of the trains, as the numbers on them. The journeys, the routes, why some stopped at what station… and beyond attuning my sense of perception, trains were safe. Busy railway stations were safe, quiet ones were safe, trains were safe, they still are.

    So not only did I like to know how things worked (see Part 2) I became naturally observant, vigilant even. I joined in the ‘grown up’ spaces, often quietly with a book, so that I could keep an eye on what my PP (psychopath parent) was up to, or played toys near to the dining table, waiting for an inevitable family bust up that she initiated, and then would need me to cry victim into my shoulder. Because this was expected, I would stay close to the action, knowing that it was about to happen.

    There were other occasions too, staying alert, and working out whose footsteps were walking towards my bedroom door (though they had to, my room was next to the bathroom),  though more than often my Psychopath Parent would be announcing herself with constantly making noise, humming, singing, dominating.

    Developing a higher than usual sense of danger awareness, or hyper vigilance, is common in those who have to deal with emotionally immature parents, from an early age I clearly knew that I needed to be on my guard, aware and preparing myself for the next blow.

    Doesn’t everyone have to be vigilant of their parents behaviour? is this just normal?

    I dont think I stopped to ask this question at the age of 8, but thats part of what I did and had to do to survive.  It was never possible to stop their next move, or intercept it, though I do remember trying to on some occasions, theres only so much an 8 year old can do, when cast in the role emotional rescuer in my parents drama, best to be around to know when the role needs to be fulfilled.

    I used to wonder why it was that I was good at the parts of detached Youthwork that involved having an awareness of safety, their movements and vigilance, and why I am good with knowing where I am, directions, and place, and now its no surprise that I can detect the movement of birds out in the fields or river banks.


    In ‘The Body keeps the Score’, (Kolk, 2014) outlines the processes in the brain that occur during this vigilance phase, the heightening of emotion, heart beat and arousal. It is like the proverbial train arriving at the station at speed, being on the platform waiting for that moment. And then it subsides at the intercity train leaves view and heads to London or Leicester. Then it is calm for a while, the platform empties.

    And that’s the difference, Clapham Junction was like living with a Psychopath, the trains were constant, I remember going a few times and it was extraordinarily tiring, yet it was the station I wanted to go to, it was too busy, 3 trains in less than a minute at times, too much for a child to process, was there such a thing as too many trains.. yes.

    Oh God, here comes another one, get ready..

    Surviving psychopathic parents is like being on Clapham Junction station, being on guard all the time, being alert all the time, and theres trains arriving from all directions, when its difficult to get onto the right platform to get a good view of everything thats going on. (This is also why I like to sit in the corner seat in a coffee shop, and its that I like to know what’s going on, I’m not frightened by other people, I always knew that none of them posed the same threat).  At least on Clapham junction the worst that could happen to me was missing a few numbers, whilst I could be vigilant for the next emotional reaction from my Psychopath parent, I didnt, and wouldn’t have expected to, have the emotional awareness or skills to deal with it, ultimately, though, the problem that they were likely to create, was about to become a problem that everyone else would have to fix.  (Gibson, Lindsay C, 2019, p71)

    In their presence is like Clapham Junction Railway station.

    Whats one thing that I needed to survive? That sense of vigilance, being on guard. What I realise, and now know, from the book, is that its only when you can stop being on guard that you can heal. I was so used to being on guard, vigilant, that its only been in the last few years and in a safe place, that I could stop, and take a break. There was no incoming anger, emotion, unpredictability, or eggshells (see the next part) or mine fields to navigate.

    What I didnt realise, until very recently is that I could operate in life without  needing that switch on.  

    What I didnt realise, is that it wasn’t normal to not need to be vigilant. 

    When I moved into my flat 18 months ago, actually when I walked into it, empty with the agent 3 weeks prior, I felt safe, home, relaxed. It was from that point onwards that I knew I could heal, because I could switch off the vigilance valve, enjoy looking at the birds, the sea and the odd train that now goes by my window.  Healing is more likely when in a place of safety, when the vigilance valve can be switched off. I just thought I was being perceptive, aware and observant..and I was, but what I now know is that that was part of how I survived.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 2) Why I broke my grandmothers clock.

    ‘Working with trauma is as much about remembering how we survived as it is about what is broken’ (Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score, 2014)

    I broke my grandmothers bedside clock.

    I didn’t kick it, throw it, sit on it, drop it or smash it with a hammer.

    At age 4 or 5, over the course of a few nights/mornings whilst staying in my grans front bedroom, I took it apart, prizing open the backing, and then discovering a world of cogs, levers and springs, I think it was a wind up one, but that part of my memory fails me, and that’s not a surprise, though I don’t remember that it had a battery, and it kept time. It was one that looked a bit like this: Safari travel alarm clock, 1960s

    Sort of circa 1960’s travel clock.  Gradually, and without tools I think, unless I found a small screw driver around (and that was likely given what my grandad hoarded and that my dad had tools in his van) I prized open the back of the mechanism and then began to watch at first, then piece by piece remove the springs, cogs and everything else that was inside. If you’ve ever seen the film HUGO…

    And yes of course I couldn’t put the clock back together again, and I probably also left springs and cogs out on the bedside table, with the intention of at least trying to fix it.

    I think I was smacked for breaking the clock. I was also smacked for not being able to say sorry for breaking the clock.

    But I wasn’t sorry for breaking the clock. I hadn’t broken it, well, I may have broken it, but I was trying to work out how it worked.

    At age 4, I was already in curiosity, perceptive, brain engaging mode.

    Repeatedly told off for acting spoiled and strong willed as a toddler, I used to hold my breath until I went blue, when my brain kicked into gear, I sought about trying to find out how things worked, and not only that, I realised by then that I had to stay alert.

    Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. (1 Peter 5)

    If part of recovering from trauma is telling the story of how I survived, then this part is about realising that I survived because of my brain. If, as was the case, that there was not going to be any emotional connection with my psychopathic parents, nature or support, which I clearly knew by this age, then my survival was going to rely on my own resources, my own brain to work things out, and to be alert.

    My curious mind grew. And so, even though I was then discipled for being ‘smart’ at later occasions (they do find the strong parts in you to reduce/minimalise, and the weak parts to humiliate often dont they?)  I set set out trying to discover how the world worked.

    Also, what I realise now, is that I was golden child. That part was obvious. So, laden in any discipline I received was a sense of shame that I brought to my parents, and the effect it had on them, their golden child, that they showed off (to my grandparents, and aunties) , was also the breaker of the clock.

    From then on I wasn’t allowed to touch anything electronic…

    ‘You might break it’

    Ironically, It took a lot of care and attention to detail to break that grandmothers clock, it wasn’t heavy hands or clumsiness, probably at least 4-5 hours of work some evenings and mornings while everyone else was sleeping.

    So, it was so unlikely that I would break something else, but from then on I wasn’t allowed to touch something.

    Not even the remote control on my other grandparents new VHS, just in case. Ironically I was the one that my parents actually had to ask to work out things, like our own VHS, Microwave (when I was allowed to touch it)..

    Dont touch you might break it.

    The problem is that you need to know how things work so that you can see them for what they are. Its no wonder that survivors of traumatic parenting go into care work, psychology or similar professions (and everyone in my family has), their skills have had to be honed, naturally by the emotionally abusive. They, like I, have spent hours trying to work out why and how things worked.

    That started for me when I broke my grandmothers clock.

    Part of surviving psychopathy, was, and is, about trying to find out how they operate, how they work, what is it that makes them do what they do, what the patterns are. Part of their game is to stop you from from working them out.

    How I survived my psychopathic parenting, involved attuning my practical and intellectual brain into gear, whilst my emotional brain shut itself down. I had already at this point realised that being emotional wasnt worth it, might as well work out how the world works instead.

    If you missed Part 1, it is here.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (part 1)

    Not many say this and live to tell the tale, though if you have been following along with my other posts, you will know that not all psychopaths are serial killers, some happen to be church leaders, with this being one of the top 10 professions where a psychopath might be.

    My psychopath was on the emotional variety, someone who showed instinctively no generosity, empathy or responsibility, easily upset others without any idea that they had done so, and then was as easily upset when challenged (see Darvo, for the pattern), or when not getting their way, when no one was talking to them, and consistently did shocking behaviour, that shocked. There was a high regard for rules, conformity and loyalty, and above all would say that they were being just like any parent by doing all this.

    I remember a friend say to me a few years back that the different between himself and a rock star, was that he was given lego to play with as a child. I sort of recognise this, a bit, the implication was that unless you had had a challenging background, that didn’t involve material items, you were more likely to express your anger for the material lack in poetic song writing and singing. I know its more complicated that that in terms of resources needed to make it (though you tube music has flattened the hierarchy somewhat since this comment to me in 2005) . Thats the thing about emotionally abusive parents.

    You often get Lego.  Sometimes the material is a good foil for the emotional lack. Challenge them, and they plea ungratefulness. This is one reason why, for so long I couldn’t put my finger on what it was about my upbringing. The material,  certainly the basic needs were mostly met, even in dire times of recessions.  But ‘home’ was neither good, nor safe.

    Its difficult to question the emotionally immature, because they’re defensive, and they accuse you of being ungrateful. Its how they operate. The gifts I received were different to my sister, though apparently ‘we were treated the same’ .. oh, and they are never gifts.

    But there’s nothing poetic about feeling alone and trapped, but then again, I realised the other day that I quite liked the pop songs that mention the feeling of being alone, Tiffany for one, and Voice of the Beehive (Perfect Place) was another, I still have that, on cassette. Rage against the alone ness wouldn’t have made good rock though.

    I’m reading ‘The Body Keeps the score’ (Kolk) at the moment, and realise that so many of my memories for childhood revolve around being embarrassed, humiliated, controlled and bullied by my psychopath parent. I realise to that the only place I felt safe, was a place that evoked her anger when she was jealous of it. Jealous that I might be meeting the needs of others, and not her.  Without a safe space I don’t know how I would have survived, though in reality anywhere where my parents weren’t, and who didn’t talk to them, was a safe place. Food was safe too, but it was also unhealthy comfort eating.

    I became the helper, people pleaser, though also, this was so that I didnt go home. Staying behind to chat to the leaders at church, out the chairs away, and not want to go home, stay out late after school, doing anything but, be home, and then ultimately shut off, and go into survival mode.

    The mode I must have been in since a very early age. Avoiding, coping, surviving, hiding, alone.

    Thats enough for now.. because theres alot to say about disassociation, about trauma and emotions and ill write that in the next piece on surviving a psychopath, and at what cost…

    Use the ‘next post’ link below to follow the story…

  • 10 Red Flags to Identify Emotionally Unhealthy Christians

    Trigger Warning: Emotional Abuse, Spiritual Abuse, CPTSD, Narcissm, Child abuse. This piece contains material that may cause a reaction. 

    Following Tanya Marlows quite brilliant piece on the statements that Christians have used in the wake of the RZMI revelations, in it she identifies a number of phrases that then get banded around, often excusing, minimising or disconnecting a persons character from their ministry, mostly after the revelations have been made public. That piece is here 

    But his books are still good, right? – 5 things Christians must stop saying about sexual abusers

    I want to add a few more, to that list

    Though, her list includes: 

    1. His books are still good
    2. ‘we are all human’ everyone makes mistakes
    3. Blaming pedestals. 
    4. God can use anyone – this is a great example..
    5. The Biblical excuse – equating Kind David as a mirroring example.   (Tanya Marlow)

    Do read in full. 

    I want to build on this, by suggesting that there will have been a few things said BEFORE the case was made public, that signify that there were signs that there was emotionally immature practices from along time ago.

    Before you think that these do not happen in the UK (and RZMI has been in the UK) , and RZMI is a one-off, then I’m afraid you are mistaken. Emotional immaturity covers a range of personality issues, such as narcissism, sociopathy and psychopathy. 

    1. The Loyalty Card. 

    This gets played when someone disagrees with them. Rather than converse or dialogue with the person in a healthy conversation, they often dismiss this, using phrases like “I dont agree with them, and we as an organisation shouldn’t entertain it’ or ‘ You’ll bring shame to the family if you carry on saying things like that’ or ‘we cant have those kind of opinions in our church’  – loyalty is the card, played because they dont want to argue, but more that they seek adherence and conformity. Emotionally immature people throw this. They are often only interested in their opinion, not listening to someone elses.  This one is very very common.  Loyalty is regarded very very high in emotionally immature people. Closely linked to this is the shame that they throw towards you, and you then get to feel guilt for saying such a thing. Loyalty is often accused by those who actually show no evidence of being it themselves. It’s projecting, or gaslighting too. 

    2. Invalidate Feelings.  

    ‘They’re just emotional, They’re just sensitive’ This gets played to dismiss that someone might even have emotions when they have been wronged, and make a complaint. Somehow its as if emotionless responses are the higher ideal. Maybe, its that culturally in churches we place a very low regard for any emotions. So, when people display them, they are often dismissed, devalued and ignored. Can also include ‘ they’re always angry’. The emotionally unhealthy can look people in the eye and still lie. Emotionless is somehow then believed and that culture then created by them. 

    3. The Jezebel.

    You know its about to happen. The attack. The use of the J word. Its on its way. ‘They’re just a Jezebel’  Once the emotions have been highlighted, now the complainant is given the highest calling of all, the name above all, the most magnificent insult known to nearly all women who dare to a)disobey, b)show disloyalty, or c) expose an abuser and the ministry they hold. 

    They are the Jezebel.

    The sounding attack of the emotionally immature christian leader. (or twitter troll- same thing)  

    Notice that men dont get the insults as easy. But Women await the Jezebel insult. Wear it with pride. It’s coming. ‘Jezebel’ is on its way. 

    4. The forgiveness card 

    Following a concerted, even pastoral attempt to soothe the situation, often by saying things like ‘ you’re just bitter, angry’ then forgiveness is requested by representatives of the abuser, said like ‘you just need to forgive them, dont hold it in your heart’ ‘God wouldn’t want you to see them in that way’  ‘let go and let God’ 

    Forgiveness, as I have learned, is not something the abuser has the right to suggest, neither is it for the institution who houses them to offer it. Especially when those whose voices have expressed concern have not been taken seriously. 

    5.  The ‘Giving away the bare minimum’ card. 

    That wasn’t a big deal, everyone does that. I didnt do anything. I didnt do that. 

    But they did do this. 

    One thing that you can be certain of is that an emotionally immature person admits to merely the tip of the iceberg.

    So, they belittle the one thing, giving it away – oh I did just do that, but it was nothing 

    like ‘I dont abuse people, but I maybe have said the odd thing’ – its as if they are happy to give away something and admit one thing, the tip of the iceberg. 

    It is often just that. The tip of an iceberg they hope you never see. 

    What ever they admit to, what they actually did do was 5000 times worse. 

    6. Spiritual Bypassing or weaponising. 

    This could be similar to the forgiveness card ‘ everyone else needs to…’ – But its when they say things like ‘lets just pray about this’ or ‘Im sure God will help us at this time’ or ‘we just need to pray more’  or ‘We just need to make Jesus central to this’ – Especially in cases of emotional abuse, this is said when the person wants to avoid actually dealing with something to do with themselves, and holding up a spiritual bypass card to avoid wrestling with or having their real emotional trauma or state revealed. 

    And weaponising scripture. Ill not add it here. But throw a few bible verses out context to make people doubt their opinions and feelings, and you’re there.  

    7. The Role card 

    Usually in the form of ‘As a christian ‘I cant do that ‘thing’  or ‘Im a minister, theres no way I would do that’ or ‘Ive been doing this ministry for 20 years I wouldn’t do that’ or ‘As the child of a ________, that really isn’t me’ 

    Often they’ll play on an identity or role to make it look as they couldn’t do something. In a way what this does is separate them into roles and identities. When accused, or when challenged, they slip into an identity within which they cannot see themselves as anything other than a Godly, Holy person. However, what they disassociate from is the behaviour and their own personhood that has committed it. 

    They also see you in a role. Often one of the 3 in the Drama triangle.Image result for the drama triangle

    8. The ‘self loathing and victim mindset’ card.  

    No one else truly understands me, im just a worthless worm, im like Elijah under the tree, Im just one of those people Satan attacks, im tormented, theres days when I wish the whale would swallow me. 

    This is closely followed by using these examples to exegete that their life has been one long drama, and that everyone needs to feel sorry for them.  Its a rubber guts humility. (They play victim in the triangle, using Biblical references as a guide) 

    They are actually bragging about the things that they are asking you to feel sorry for them. They brag about they are repenting for and proud of it. 

    9. The ‘just trying my best’ card

    Im just trying. Everything I do seems to fail. Im just trying to be a good vicar/person/husband/leader/pastor. Again said to request that someone else needs to see them as the helpless trier who keeps trying, and wants a second chance. 

    also seen as ‘I have a good heart…ive just made a lot of mistakes in my past’ 

    or can look like. 

    ‘Im a good guy, trying my best, why are you the only person I cant get along with’

    Problem is that they have had millions of second chances, and if you have offered second chances, chances are others have too. Chances are, they are unlikely to be good, honest, decent – though they keep saying they are trying to be.  ‘You’ll just have to trust me, ive changed, this time its different’  – do question how this is the case, and them reading the bible or praying more, doesn’t count. Therapy, though, might. 

    I wish it wasn’t the case, but, unless the emotionally immature see themselves and do something about it, they will nearly always be unable to do the good they see others do. At times their only reaction is to be jealous of it.  Until that point, they are only saying they are trying their best, and its just words.  

    10. Not taking any responsibility.  

    Never, not once. Its everyone else fault. Satans. Gods. The congregation. The previous church,  ‘Its the world is full of darkness’ …The previous partner, and add more… 

    They use your compassion on them, to give them a second chance, it’s how they can hide. 

    If you start to hear any of these, the red flags need to be raised.  Get vigilant, aware and begin talking to each other, They will play you all off. Their only hope to survive is to divide and rule. 

     Darvo is one of the key patterns to look out for, because the emotionally immature will seek to confuse their victims, complainants and the system itself by switching roles.  The victim triangle is one to look out for too, as the emotionally immature will nearly always only operate in one of these three roles, Victim, Rescuer (often Codependant) or Perpetrator. 

    Thank you Tanya, for your piece yesterday, Thank you to all the women and men who have had to raise their voices and concerns in cases and not been believed. Emotionally immature, unhealthy churches and organisations are all around, they are full of emotionally unhealthy people. Often the emotionally healthy are the ones whose voices get belittled or sidelined. Strange that, when they often know what’s going on. 

    Please do leave a comment, like this piece and also if you have other examples to add, please share. Thank you 

    Many of the resources from which I gathered these from are in the menu link above. 

  • I grew up with a psychopath in the home (and a christian one)

    I grew up with a psychopath

    One of my parents is a psychopath.

    I don’t say this lightly.

    My mother is a psychopath.

    There, I said it.

    I grew up with a psychopath

    A christian one.

    Just saying this out loud is pretty phenomenal, or is it?

    I mean didn’t you all do the facebook quiz ‘Discover if your mum is a psychopath and get a high score…? no, I thought not…

    Its a bit different from that Johnny Briggs TV show of my own childhood, ‘My mum, who’s a nurse… ‘

    When I started blogging nearly 10 years ago, I did not think that this would be the blog I would write.

    Probably because at that time I lived in blissful ignorance, actually, numbed trauma reaction, to the extent of my parents emotional coercion and abuse.

    Was it ever possible to see?  Yes, and everyone knew more than they realised. But it wasn’t possible for me to see it.

    So, it was no surprise to me this year when I realised that my mum is a psychopath. Actually it meant that all the pieces fit together.

    It was one thing to realise that I was subject to emotional abuse as a child. 

    It was another thing to categorise my parent as a narcissist 

     Another again to regard them both as emotionally immature. 

    It was a step further still to regard her as a psychopath. But honestly, its the only accurate conclusion. 

    It wasn’t a shock in anyway when it was pointed out to me by two separate people in the last year, one of whom knows her pretty well.

    I realised something else this year too.

    You know that thing where some kids defend their parents and are loyal to them, even when they raise the alarm about abuse, or when others attract their parents. Theres a natural defence and loyalty from children to parents at times, despite everything.

    This is not something I have ever consciously felt. It was only this year when I realised that I hadn’t ever stood up for them. So, something must have happened when I was a young child, and thanks to trauma therapy I’ve worked, and working through this.

    I have always known that my parents, mum especially, was weird. But an 11 year old isn’t going to come to this clinical realisation. A 31 year old didn’t either.

    And in the main, a number of you reading this, if this makes it to my home town, or places where they have lived, also know.

    You felt it, but couldn’t put your finger on it. You were bullied, then played as a victim. You were taken from, and never given to. Gifts were never without reason. Social moments where often of shock, and orientated around her. They played people off each other , all the time. Unable to see or understand why they aren’t liked.

    In his book ‘Surrounded by psychopaths’ Eriksen suggest that there are 20 behaviour traits that a psychopath is likely to display much of the time. (I know there is A PPI test too.)  She scores very high.

    These behavioural things include:

    Grandiosity, Jealousy, Shallow feelings/emotions, Egocentricity, Superficial charm, Role playing, pathological lying, cunning and manipulative, entitled, need for stimulation, early behaviour problems, parasitic lifestyle, lack of realistic long term goals, failure to accept any responsibility, juvenile delinquency, Callous.

    But it wasn’t a shock. It was more a dawning reality that helped me explain who I am. Helped me explain my life choices, and the divisions within my family, that kept everyone apart.

    So, im 42, 43 soon, and have lived 41 of those years trying to appease, exist and revolve my life a psychopath parent.  A parent, or parents in which none of these are true . Parents who exist only in the drama triangle, and perpetuate DARVO .

    Image result for drama triangle

     

    When I have shared this with a few people, they have said that they were sorry. Sorry for me, that this is what I have had to realise or face in my upbringing.

    As Lindsey Gibson writes too, Emotionally immature people (a term that encompasses psychopath, narcissist, sociopath) also disassociate. Dissociative personality disorder is evident in my parents. This has enabled one of them to commit shocking behaviours in their entire life, and not feel any remorse or guilt, or shame, and certainly not take any responsibility, amongst other things. But switching personalities, roles and identities was common.

    So, in piecing all the behaviour together, the trauma, the terror, the victim role playing, the dissociation. I had only one unenviable conclusion.

    My mother is a psychopath. She’s also Evangelical.

    My mother; The Christian Psychopath.

    I grew up with a psychopath in the home.

    Now I know it, its time to live with the awareness, heal from emotional trauma and be the person i am meant to be.

    (PS. Im aware that there will not ever be a diagnosis. Thats just the point, they wouldn’t actually go themselves, voluntarily, and even in any court case it would be difficult to prove. No one walks into their GP and says ‘ can I have a psychopath test please?’ and thats just the point. Admitting this would even mean acknowledging a self awareness, that is absent. )

    The resources that helped me identify all this are here 

  • The myths about parents that prevent truth of emotional abuse from being believed

    One of the main reasons victims of abuse dont get believed is that the actions that perpetrators do is so shocking that no one could believe it actually happened.

    Ironically the same people who describe such things have to articulate something so awful and shocking, that it would be beyond their own mental capacity to make something up. They have no need to lie when the actions that occurred are scandalous enough.

    Another is the default positions that people hold about parents, especially in situations of parent -child abuse and emotional abuse.

    If you’ve been on the receiving end of emotional abuse in childhood, you’ll know how you feel when people say these things, the myths of what parents are supposed to be:

    • All Parents love their children
    • A Parent is the one person you can trust
    • A parent will always be there for you
    • You can tell your parents anything
    • Your parents will love you no matter what
    • You can always go back home
    • Your parents only want what’s best for you
    • Your parents know more than you do
    • Whatever your parents do, they’re doing it for your own good

    Some parents, mine included, even use these statements to describe something that they have absolutely no intention of actually acting out. Many of these myths are not true when you have emotionally immature parents, as Lindsay C Gibson (2016, p142) they never even see the light of day, they’re distant hoped for lands, where other children live in families, but not you.

    Some parents also have the word ‘Christian’ or ‘Faith’ to that list. As a christian, they wouldn’t do that..would they??  

    Yet, society trots these things out, as if good parenting is the default zeitgeist.

    It’s strange that when many tales of children, and fiction represent children abandoned, abused and tormented in their upbringing. Or where adults are pretty useless, like Harry Potter, Cinderella, and the many others.

    But when some of these statements above are held widely in society, then it can often become the first instinct not to believe the person who shares of the abuse from their parents.

    It’s not just as if their parent couldn’t do that, its that ‘no’ parent could.

    But they can. And they do.

    For many of us, those statements are just not true. In emotionally immature parents, these are those who are fit these criteria:

    EIP.jpg

    Then more than one can exist in a family. I have 2, and 1 is very strong at that.

    So, we must as a society, as youthworkers, social workers, counsellors, clergy and therapists, do our best, and do better, than believe the myth of parenting, rather than the actual experience and victim of parental abuse is trying to communicate. Because in many many cases, articulating emotional abuse is phenomenally difficult to do.

    One of the issues that Gibson writes about too is that as children, or adult children of emotionally immature parents, we may be unable to see our parents clearly, given that accepting that our parents are actually none of the above list (and more like the 4 types) that we care to imagine.

    Though, for others, like myself, I’ve know my parents have been weird, odd, since a very young age, and that may bring about different effects, and barely entertaining that they would be any of these things at all, because they barely acted in a way that it was true.

    My healing journey, and possibly yours too, is about beginning to see the past in a realistic and actual way, and not in a mythical hopeful sense, like the child who may hope for better or change. If you’re in your mid 40’s and hope your parents change now, then youre on a hiding to nothing. The only person who can change is yourself, especially as you heal and grow.  Its not only time to educate ourselves about the truth of our parents, but also others so that they see too.

    Parents are supposed to be these things, and in some cases, hopefully the majority, they are. If you have a good relationship with your parents, please dont assume that others do, or the myth of parents, because thats what they are, myths. Myths that stop truth from being believed.

    References

    Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay C Gibson, 2o16

    Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay C Gibson, 2019

     

     

     

  • Everyone knew…but everyone was terrified

    ‘All the same’, demurred Fudge, ‘they are here to protect you all from something much worse.. we all know what (Sirius) Black is capable of..’ ,

    ‘Do you know, I still have trouble believing it, said Madam Rosmerta thoughtfully ‘Of all the people to go over to the dark side, Sirius Black was the last id have thought…I mean, I remember him as boy at Hogwarts. If you’d told me then what he was going to become, I’d say you’d had too much mead’

    ‘You dont know the half of it , Rosmerta’, said Fudge gruffly ‘The worst isnt widely known’

    (From JK Rowlings Harry Potter, The Prisoner of Azkhaban)

    In this scene, Harry is listening under the table, to a conversation about the background of the escapee prisoner Sirius, and how Sirius had close links to the Potter Family. It is this exchange that strikes me. You have the revelation of the action of Sirius, and the disbelief of one of them in conversation, that even so many years later that the accused, Sirius could be like they are.

    Yet as the narrative unfolds the grisly truth of Sirius behaviour is revealed.

    He is stone cold, shameless when confronted by his own behaviours of betrayal – seeming perfectly normal in the heat of a crime , and betrays Harrys Parents to let Voldemort access to their home to kill them.

    Some people just dont know, they hide all their behaviour behind closed doors.

    Some still are like Rosmerta, in disbelief that anything like this could be the behaviour of the boy Sirius.

    But its as difficult, when people do actually know.

    Some people have been entitled, shameless, narcissistic bullies all their life.

    They are well known to be weird. Well known to be easily angered, jealous, spiteful, over emotional, ego centric, and turn on the victim tears at the sight of challenge or being called out.

    People knew about Sirius, though some didnt.

    What could anyone do?

    Ive wondered this a few times this year.

    Two people have told me that they are apologetic that they knew, but didnt protect me.

    What could they do?

    Everyone knew.

    But did nothing

    Because.

    They could do nothing.

    Everyone knew

    But were scared themselves.

    I know they couldn’t.

    Everyone knew

    But they were terrified

    Everyone knew

    But they were traumatised themselves

    They knew she was easily angered

    They had felt it…

    They hadn’t been seen themselves, just prey for her ego

    And had to work hard, work together to piece the story

    They now avoid, put up boundaries.

    They had been used as a complaining sponge, to hear who she was wanting to complain about this time, me, my sister, their friends, the church, her job.

    Dumbfounded in disbelief.

    ‘Theres nothing wrong with James… its his _________ thats the problem’. (Once said a Vicar who knew me aged 19)

    Some people can hide their abuse behind closed doors. Other people wear it on their sleeve. All the time.

    On their sleeve. In full view.  Revealed all the time. Like Jimmy Saville for example. And the soon to be impeached one.

    You cant say ‘why didnt you leave’ when you’re a child. There is no escape. And that shouldn’t be said to anyone in a domestic abuse relationship anyway.

    Didn’t anyone else see?

    But everyone knew.

    Everyone still does know.

    Some people have been like it from their beginning.

    And it’s tolerated. Accepted. Protected even.

    ‘They’ve always been like that…. ‘

    ‘They cant be expected to change…’

    They play victim to get sympathy, whilst squeezing every other emotion out of the room.

    Agreed.

    Some people are not cunning enough to hide themselves.

    Some people dont get the chance to have a Rosmerta defend them.

    The worst isnt widely known

    because it would make you shiver.

    Thats the point, rules dont apply to them.

    Scared

    No one could do anything

    because everyone is terrified.

    Its a trauma response that sends chills down the spine.

    and

    no one fully knows the other half of it.

    Some of the abusers are hidden in plain sight. Some have displayed it all the time.

    Just that they have had their accusers silenced and delegitimised.

    If you saw or knew, but didnt do anything, no one blames you, I don’t.

    Why did no one do anything?  Well….. who could? Who would want to?

    Everyone knows, even now.

     

    (and I know Sirius isnt necessarily the person they claimed to him be, thats not the point I was making)

  • DARVO; the pattern to get smart on

    One of the benefits of being a survivor of emotional domestic abuse is that you can see the patterns of behaviour

    One of the disadvantage of being a survivor of emotional domestic abuse is that you can see the patterns of behaviour, everywhere, and at times, like I was when watching Stranger things recently, I get triggered by them.

    Growing up I was perceptive. Smart was a word people used also. I had to be, it was a survival mechanism to stay afloat with the narcissist in the house.

    What I couldn’t do as a child was articulate emotional abuse. How could I? – who can – its difficult enough when the bruise is visible.

    What I have become aware of as I have recovered from, and then read further about emotional and psychological abuse is that it is possible to see patterns.

    My previous piece here -is about gaining knowledge to heal.
    In this post I describe how psychopathy is evident in churches, and how to raise awareness of this.

    As someone perceptive, observant, and probably under went hyper-vigilence, anxiety and fear as a child, with emotionally immature parents , add the perceptivity to the knowledge and then patterns start to appear.

    Not only do the perpetuators of emotionally abusive acts, act in similar ways, their response when they are confronted is also similar.

    Its a cycle, and one that I want to bring awareness of, for those who have to deal with safeguarding, and bringing people to account who display such personalities.

    The first step is Denial.

    Of course they aren’t going to accept what they did, often a denial is in the form of denial (and then a reason is given for why they actually did what they did do, even though they denied doing it) There could also be a distracting acceptance here, ‘Of course I didnt do this, I couldn’t do this.. but I may have done this…'(instead, or smaller crime) 

    By the way an emotionally immature person is famous for behaviours that are so wrong that no one would have thought to make up rules against it. Like preside over the insurrection, often stealing things, like democracy, but could be other items, or any crime.  (Lindsay Gibson, 2019)

    The second is Accuse

    This can often be at the same time as the next two stages, but, Accuse – can look like scapegoating someone else, blaming them. It can be the classic and well trodden accusation that ‘everyone is being sensitive’ or ‘we got very upset when we were accused of’ – or ‘we were hurt by all your anger’  or there is a personal attack on the whistleblower somewhere in there. ‘They are emotional/sensitive/jealous , trying to destroy my job/ministry’ 

    This leads to the third thing…

    Notice how in part 2, they switched from perpetrator to victim..then..

    Part 3 is Reverse Victim-Offender

    They literally swap. In front of your very eyes. Its the tears of the girl who cries wolf, when she beat up the younger sister whilst looking after the wolf. Its the person who claims to be the victim, after being accused of doing something that they cannot conceive was in any way offensive. But they will turn from bully to victim in the blink of an eye. 

    They often then seek support from those who only see this side of them. Them as perpetual victims. Some people only see themselves as this, therefore are almost delusional to the offence and coercive control that they are actually perpetuating. 

    If you want to discover more, it’s here… DARVO 

    What does DARVO stand for? - Quora

    Can you imagine what its like as a child, or adult for that matter, seeing this in front of you?  When you have seen with your own eyes that abusive people have acted inappropriately and then in the blink of an eye play victim. And play the kind of emotionally immature victim that seeks the child to console them, and be on their side. Imagine how a child might try and articulate all of this and what they might be expected to do.  Some parents appear as the victims of the times they bullied their own children. Yes. Ill say it again. Some parents assume the role of victim after they have bullied their own children. And then expect the other child to be on the parents side.

    So, before I digress too far.

    Patterns.

    After the abuse is when you see them. Though, not everyone believes you even when you can see them. Or if you’ve lived through it.  one of the things to look for when dealing with emotional abuse, gaslighting, narcissism, psychopathy, is that DARVO is often apparent.

    What to do about it, is to be aware of it, and discover ways of not letting the Darvo monsters play you off in their game. Thats when you become their flying monkeys and enmeshed by them. Start to feel sorry for someone emotionally immature/narcissistic and all of a sudden your life, and previous friends, and families are divided into ruins..and so is your church, or entire nation when previously (USA) or currently (UK) led by one.

    If you are in a position of responsibility in churches, and especially in safeguarding one, then DARVO is definitely something you need to read up on.

    Simple infographic about DARVO based on research by Dr. Jennifer J. Freyd. For a high-res PDF copy click here .