James Ballantyne

Blog

  • For 40 years I was trying to keep the wrong rules

    Deep down what are the rules that shape the way you act, the way you feel, the way you think about yourself, the way you think about others? 

    Give yourself a minute or two

    Which of them might be the rules that you were ‘given’ through your childhood?  

    Maybe from a faith group?, from school? or somewhere else

    As someone brought up in an evangelical christian home, and church – the implicit rules from the faith were one thing, but only added to through my childhood experiences at home.

    What Ive discovered is that some of these rules need to be broken.

    What I have also realised is that people who like rules try and keep the rules, and can only say that you’re crazy or weird when you break them.

    What I realised that is breaking the rules is actually good.

    Some of the wrong rules are described by Melody Beattie in her brilliant book ‘Beyond Codependency’ (Theres a link on the resources page above)

    Not all of these apply to me, but, I recognised that so many of these had been mainstays in my own life. I had been trying to keep the wrong rules.

    • Don’t feel or talk about feelings (for me my feelings were secondary to soothing others)
    • Don’t think, figure things out, or make decisions – you probably don’t know what you want or what is best for you
    • Don’t identify, mention or solve problems – its not okay to have them
    • Don’t be who you are because thats not good enough
    • Don’t be selfish, put yourself first, say what want and need, say no, set boundaries, or take care of yourself – always take care of others and never hurt their feelings or make them angry
    • Don’t have fun, be silly, or enjoy life – it costs money, makes noise, or mess, and isnt necessary
    • Don’t trust yourself, your Higher power, the process of life or certain people – instead ut your faith in untrustworthy people; then act surprised when they let you down
    • Don’t be open, honest and direct – hint manipulate, get others to talk for you, guess what they want and need and expect them to do the same for you
    • Don’t get close to people, it isnt safe
    • Don’t disrupt the system by growing and changing  

    (Melody Beattie)

    Some of these rules are there to protect the system, the system of the organisation of the faith, they are often passed on from generation to generation. Following these rules keeps people locked in codependancy. Now, for me, im reading these rules and realising that many of these rules, not all of them, have guided my life for so long. If I realise what happened when or if I dared to express feelings or needs, or made any kind of choice or decision. As I said not all of them.

    What I didn’t ever know was that I was ok for me to be who I was, and good enough.

    What I didn’t ever have was the opportunity to know how to take care of myself

    To have fun (that wasn’t belittled or patronised)..

    And shame, guilt and disapproval keeps the rules in check. These rules govern silently. I was selfish for feeling, selfish for acting, selfish for making any kind of decision.

    But

    Its ok to change the rules. I realised that the rules I followed didn’t do me any good. The rules I followed, were just that, rules. They kept my decisions away from my heart. New life, new rules. Though its hard to not act like im still following the old rules, breaking free has been tough, and thats where my support group, my friends, books like the one I mention above have helped to realise the rules, and make new ones, and to decide what kind of rules I want to have in the rest of my life.

    As Melody said, and I underlined. The first rule is that it is ok to break the rules.

    The second is that that breaking might need to happen aggressively, change, assertive, to take back the power that you and I rightly have.

    Im learning to follow these rules:

    • Its okay to feel my feelings and talk about them when its safe and appropriate, and I want to
    • I can think, make good decisions, and figure things out
    • I can have, talk about and solve my problems
    • Its ok for me to be who I am
    • I can make mistakes, be imperfect, sometimes be weak, sometimes be not so great, or good, sometimes be better, and occasionally be great
    • Its ok to be selfish at times, put myself first sometimes. and say what I want and need
    • Its okay to give to others, but its ok to keep some for myself too
    • Its ok for me to take care of me. I can say no and set boundaries
    • Its okay to have fun, be silly sometimes, and enjoy life
    • I can make good decisions about who I can trust. I can trust myself. I can trust God even when it looks like I cant
    • I can be appropriately vulnerable
    • I can be direct and honest
    • Its okay for me to be close to some people
    • I can grow and change, even if that means rocking a bunch of boats
    • I can grow at my own pace
    • I can love and be loved. And I can love me, because I am lovable. And I am good enough.

    (These are also taken from Melody’s book – do add your own)

    And I say im learning because old habits die hard. One of the things I realised is that for so long, for most of my life I have been in endurance or survivor mode, bouncing off, every moment, drama and painful situation, just getting through. Mostly getting through the drama of everyone else, being the calm, strong one, the one that supports others, but didnt ever, for a long time, seek it myself. For me it is time to break rules, time to learn new rules, time to enjoy life in which new rules stem from my heart, my soul and from a place of health, safety, truth and power. Im learning to accept me, for who I am, not what I ought to be.

  • Men; do we need to talk about guilt and shame?

    It was part of my healing that some of my guilt turned to anger.

    When I realised that what I thought was my fault was a burden that wasn’t mine to carry

    As I discovered that someone else’s emotions are not my responsibility. Until then I took it on myself to clear up their emotional rubbish. Soothe. Tend.

    I grew up soothing the emotionally immature people in my life

    Reacting to them, as they didn’t own their emotions themselves. Manoeuvring around their world.

    Everyone else’s needs more important than mine.

    Feeling guilt for even thinking that I might have feelings, needs, emotions.

    Feeling their projected guilt that I hadn’t tended them enough.

    Not being angry enough to care about myself. Just guilt that I wasn’t meeting others needs enough.

    I had to care about myself to be angry enough to care about myself.

    Guilt in ministry encourages us to never say no, to work too hard

    To never feel like we’re doing enough

    Guilt inside caused me not to be my true self, what was my true self?

    Guilt keeps truth caged.

    My only feelings were that of others. What did I feel, deep down? It didn’t matter. So why bother.

    I am enough, I’m learning to know this

    I can feel, I’m learning to feel

    I do feel, and the toy box of my emotions now gets chance to play.

    I needn’t live in an existence where I felt guilty for not being enough. Unsure of my own emotions, unsafe of being true, so accepting the guilt.

    Healing meant that the guilt I had been conditioned to feel dissipated, and turned to anger.

    An anger that gave me permission to stand up for myself.

    To be truer to my true self.

     

    Melody Beattie writes this, in her best selling book, ‘Co-dependent no more’ :

    ‘The big reason for not repressing feelings is that emotional withdrawal causes us to lose positive feelings. We lose the ability to feel. Sometimes this may be a welcome relief if the pain is too great or too constant, but that is not a good plan for living. We may shut down our deep needs – our need for love and to be loved – when we shut down our emotions… we lose the motivating power of feelings’ (Beattie, 1992, 2nd ed)

    One of the characteristics of those who undergo therapy successfully, according to Carl Rogers, is that ‘They tend to move away from oughts’ The compelling feeling of ‘I ought to be this or that’  The client moves away from being what they out to be, no matter who has set that imperative’ (Carl Rogers, 1968)

    A friend of mine, Jenni Osborn has just recorded this on the subject of Shame in youth ministry, do have a listen

    I stopped feeling the weight of guilt, other peoples guilt projected on to me, and started to feel angry.  Angry because I now had something worth defending. Myself.

  • Learning to love myself – physically

    (this post was originally posted in July 2019 on my ‘learning from the streets blog’) 

     

    You know the feeling when you have an epiphany moment all out of the blue? well that was me this morning.

    Im aware the following image might put many of you off your tea, or breakfast or supper. So, you are warned.

    But after weirdly having a bath last night, i was standing in the bathroom this morning, almost naked in front of the mirror. (yeah apologies)

    And yes, i noticed that i was tanned quite nicely (its only 3 weeks since im back from tunisia) and, even with an all inclusive holiday, and some disciplined weight loss last year (3 stone) so, in a way, i have some realisation, that the very overweight pale me wasn’t what i was looking at in the mirror.

    Despite the weight loss and tan i hadn’t stood and looked at myself deliberately.

    I stood, looked, and thought, for the first time and said to myself: ‘I actually look ok’, and then i realised how good it felt to actually look and say to myself that i look ok.

    It felt good to appreciate myself physically.

    It felt good, and i sighed.

    I sighed because i realised that i hadn’t done this before, and yet i did it this morning without realising it.

    it was as it i hadn’t given myself permission to appreciate my own body, my own appearance, the way i looked.

    As if i felt comfortable in my own skin, and appreciated it for the first time. Though in Tunisia i felt alive, with water, and being submerged in it almost all week, just fabulous. I still didn’t give myself the acknowledgement of appreciating my own skin, my own body, my own skin and bones that God has given me.

    I wonder why i hadn’t done this before? had it even occured to me..

    confidence? shame ? fear of ego? fear of being proud? fear of the flesh? Or just not wanting to give myself the attention that i could have done, rushing here, rushing there. all excuses ultimately. But shame, fear and unhealthy body image cripples us all doesn’t it. Diets, weight, discontentment, the lies of youthfulness and hiding reality and ageing. If only we, if only I, if only we could help ourselves by redeeming our bodies. By knowing from an early age that we have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide, nothing to be embarrassed about, despite the lies. Messages of unworthiness surround, nakedness as a shameful thing, bodies that are secondary to minds, hearts and accomplishments. I might run the risk of not realising quite how unique i am in the mirror, or loving the reflection i find there, and try to make the rest of life about satisfying a body im not respecting.

    Yet, we dont, the being better, younger, fitter, smaller, thinner, pull takes over. The lies make us ignore who we are, and force us not to stop in the mirror and tell ourselves that we are already beautiful. We can feel good about ourselves… as we are.. and… so can I. 41 years into life itself, I acknowledged feeling, and acknowledged being content with who i am physically, and muttered it out loud. And it felt good. It was good. Maybe its a freeing thing.

    I wonder if for me, the extensive internal work, therapy, self awareness and this process has also had an effect on how i feel about myself physically. If digging deep into the who i am, the interal may, may also have a knock on effect on how i feel about myself in my own physical skin. It might be crude to say that I have fallen in love with myself, but, actually to love ourselves is important, to healthily respect ourselves means we have contentment, a virtue that a material and commercial world would do its best to help us to not have. To be able to breathe and connect with ourselves might need us to feel good internally and have internally positive feelings about our external. Maybe it’s less about self awareness and more about resisting the lies that tell us differently about ourselves. I only hope this might be an encouragement to feel good about ourselves.

    But if in giving myself the space – or more to the point – having life circumstances where my only choice, was to focus on the internal me, and be confident and aware of how i think, who i am, how i am, and my energy, passions, dreams, and becoming in tune with my emotions in a way that is fabulous, then maybe all of that leads me to stand in the mirror and go. James, you look good. And to feel good about what i saw. To feel good about myself. To like what i saw in the mirror. To almost feel at peace, to almost feel embodied.

    It was an accidental epiphany. But a significant one.

    I hope it doesnt put you off your tea. But i hope that you can get to a point where you can look at your own body and for your own sake do the same. It might make your life so much more fulfilling.

    As John Duns Scotus said, calling it the harmony of goodness;

    ‘true love for the self always overflows into love for the other; it is one and the same flow. And your freedom to extend love to others always gives you a sense of dignity and power of your own self. It is such a paradox’ (taken from Richard Rohr, The Divine Dance, p103)

  • Emotional Abuse – why it’s like the aphids on my chilli plants

    I am now in the fourth season of growing chillies, I planted the current crop from seed in January, and now 25 (sorry 24, I gave one away) plants adorn my small flat, taking up window sills and the balcony.

    I think ive eaten 6 green fruits and I’m giving the chance for the other fruits to ripen and turn red, unless I need them for cooking.

    But the first year I tried to grow them from seed I failed. They just didn’t take.

    The second year I was given a cutting from my sister in laws mum/dad, and the one plant grew and supplied me with over 100 chillies in a year.

    But they nearly didn’t make it.

    I looked at the plant every day. It was in a prime sunlit position.

    I didn’t realise it was being attacked.

    What I didn’t spot, initially, was the aphids.

    Because they hide.

    But also because I wasn’t looking for them

    I thought the extra green/white dots on the flowers were normal.

    I didn’t see them.

    (And I bet you cant see these ones either: )

    Not yet.

    Not until just before it was too late.

    Or just before I could do something about them.

    Spray purchased and they got eradicated.

    Plant saved.

    Chillies harvested.

    Aphids destroyed.

    But only after I could see them.

    I could equate this story to Sin, and especially a note I remember why old pastor telling me, that its always the little foxes that spoil the vine.

    But I’m not going to do that.

    Because sometimes it’s easier to notice Sin and ignore it, than it is to notice abuse and put up with it.

     

    One of the most key questions about Domestic abuse is said to the victims:  ‘Why did you stay?’

    instead it should be ‘what was manipulating you not to leave?’

    It takes more than 28 calls for help to leave.

     

    Thats when its dawned enough for the victims to know that they’re in something so terrible, and they want a way out.

     

    But on other occasions the abuse is more like the aphids.

    So subtle.

     

    Call it gaslighting, emotional manipulation, psychopathy, or sociopathy. Language varies.

     

    Either way; It’s not a pair of scissors sniping away at a chilli plant, but almost invisible aphids.

     

    Until the plant has lost its spark, its reason to be.

    Aphids attack the new plant. The leaves that are growing. New life susceptible.

    Emotional abuse attacks any new growth. Any opportunity for light, joy or growth. It is jealous.

    Until there’s nothing left in its core.

    The plant cannot escape. But it needs help. But it might not even know it.

    Needs the help of those who have previously bought the spray.

    Needs the help of those who know what they’re looking for.

    Those who can see.

    These fourth season chillis are growing in an environment where i have an aphid spray of water and soap ready to hand.

    Theres no shame for chilli plant to have aphids. It just needs help to have them eradicated.

    Its not the fault of the plant.

    Ever.

    (This post was originally posted on my Learning from the streets Blog, it still remains there too)

     

    References:

    Children of the Aging self-absorbed: (2006) Nina Brown

    The Gaslighting effect : (2018) Reva Steenbergen 

    The Carl Rogers Reader, (1990) Kirschuenbaum, Henderson

  • Why my healing didn’t start at therapy

    At the end of a year in which i had separated from my wife (now ex-wife) after I had left the family home to move into a friends house, with barely any money, I had a one day a week job, and had been looking for work and been knocked back from all of them for 6 months, I decided that I needed to go to counselling.

    I had already realised in the space and hospitality, maybe even retreat, from what was my home, that I had stuff I needed to deal with too. And stuff that I thought I needed to overcome because I was to believe that everything was my fault.

    Counselling, Therapy, Professional help?

    Why did I leave it so late?

    Was I scared of what it would expose? Well to be honest, there wasn’t much left that wasn’t now on the table, but still even so.

    I thought there would be a lot of work to do on me, so many things I had to deal with, where would a counsellor start?

    Then again, it wasn’t therapy that was the beginning of my healing and recovery. It was the recognition that I loved myself to want to go. That I was important enough to invest in myself to do this. The space in a safe place to heal a bit, to make a step up, to have gone through all this and not completely crumbled, and be in a place of clean air, started the rebuild from the rockest of bottoms.

    It took a few weeks for the therapy to be arranged, and those who were demanding I do it put on the most pressure, but this wasn’t for them, it was for me.

    As I went for assessments for the therapy and met them, I was asked as series of questions, I remember thinking at the time that I was confused, and had experienced so much in my life that I didn’t have any sense of value of myself, so the things I thought were incidental, were actually important, one day ill write about them too. I thought I was pretty self aware, what I actually was was professionally very competent, and a high achieving, compassionate person, that had ignored the things that had hurt for a very long time.

    My healing didn’t start at therapy. But my healing didn’t continue without it. Yes I know that it may be expensive – I also know that it may not work for some, and I’m not a therapist and dont pretend to be. But It is a matter on what you are prepared to do about loving yourself. Can you afford it – you might not be able to afford not to, and it may not take as long as you think. Starting could be the hardest part.

    I can only talk about my therapy journey. Was I slightly terrified, yes. Was it hard work, yes. Because for the first time this was about me. Giving myself there attention I had given so many others for years.

    Though I am sure its not the end of the process for me, for therapy and possibly trauma therapy. I wanted to talk about therapy, about counselling, recommending it, for, even as a fairly sensitive, open, relational male, this was a difficult, but necessary step, and one I wholly recommend.  Men, value yourselves, your heart and emotions – nothing is solved by running away and hiding. Once spoken, and let out, the healing can begin.

     

  • Football bypassing: Why is football the only topic men can talk about?

    I was sitting on a socially distanced ‘packed’ train back from a weekends travel in Scotland a few Saturdays ago, I am sitting on my own, bag on my next to seat, reading a book, there are many other people on the train, the elderly couple, other single people, and a few students. A few seats behind me in the table seat are a group of men, aged probably between late twenties and early thirties. For the distance between Dundee and Edinburgh, on a train, on a Saturday morning. They talk together for the whole journey.

    About football.

    They talk about football.

    About most of the top 6 teams in England, European football and a bit about Scottish football.

    Their chat about football, lasts longer than a game about football.

    And no one is actually playing it. Its the pre-season. So its just about transfers.

    I was introduced to a concept a few weeks ago known as ‘Spiritual Bypassing’ – what this is about is using spirituality to bypass or avoid doing real deep therapeutic work on feelings, hurts, trauma and fears. From being superstitious, ‘if I touch wood it won’t happen’ to more evangelical ‘if we just pray about it it’ll all disappear’.  So im thinking about ‘spiritual bypassing’ whilst on the train. Wondering whether, what is happening between these 4 men on the train isn’t spiritual bypassing, but football bypassing.

    But its not really though. Its more the complete avoidance of talking deeply about anything. Football as a big distraction.

    Later on though, between Morpeth and Newcastle, three very well dressed up young women get on the train, in heels, make up, nice dresses etc, out for their first night out since March. For 10 mins of the journey, their chat is about the night out, make up, getting nails done, tattoos, that kind of thing. Until one of them made a comment like ‘My mam (mum) gets so up tight about me going out, so controlling’ – the response from the friend across the table is : ‘well you’re here now, time to have a good time and forget about her’

    In a way this felt more like ‘bypassing’ or trying to distract away from a difficult situation. Not just ‘night-out bypassing’ makes for a good title. But it was as if the real problem was revealed, but no friend on a train wanted to hold it with them. Maybe the train isnt a good place to do real.

    When I discovered how much of an introvert I was, I realised why I usually got bored talking about football with anyone except my son. Even as a teenager I liked to ‘set the world’ straight, go deep, discover, ask questions. Yet at the same time, some of that I knew I was doing in the last 15 years was avoiding. The deep stuff I liked to talk about avoided the stuff that needed talking about. I could set the world right, but was no where in terms of setting myself right.

    So I didn’t judge the football chat, or night out chat at all. It was sad for me to hear in a way. We all know what our safe topics of conversation are around a table on a train, but at the same time, theres often clues and cues in conversations with friends about the things that are happening beneath the surface, and takes so much effort to keep them at bay.

    What stops us doing real conversation with our friends on a train? What actually are we afraid of?  Ourselves or other people?

    Its one reason why I started this blog, every year its we hear that Men don’t talk, or do emotions – but on those trains it wasn’t just men. Its not enough to give men a phone line to contact when things have got so bad. Make no mistake, im not here to save or rescue – but what I want to do is talk about some of the real, deep emotional things, so that if you are reading this, or other posts it means that you know you are not alone, and that talking, healing and recovery is possible.

  • Healing for Men….Why a new blog?

    For a long time I have written pieces on a range of subjects related to youth work and ministry over on my Learning from the streets blog – which you can find here: ‘Learning from the Streets’.  The purpose of me starting this blog is that I wanted to write not about what I learn about practice, but more what I am learning about me, maybe more pertinently, a space to talk about the kinds of things that often Men do not really talk about.

    In the past I have had some very positive comments and feedback about the pieces I have written on myself, my journey, therapy, healing and discoveries, and im grateful for them, as an encouragement to share and reflect on other aspects of my healing and life, to encourage others to do the same.

    In a way I wanted to keep some of this stuff separate from the learning from the streets blog, as this one will focus solely on personal, therapeutic reflections, on stuff of life, healing, emotions, and me discovering who I am. I cant say it’ll be pretty at times, but it something i hope will inspire other people, especially men to be more open about.

    Thank you

    James