You’ll be frozen in your moment You’ll be beautiful for all of time Waiting on the wonder road Where saints and angels walk the line And someday much, much older You’ll look back and chance to dream aloud Was there a moment greater Than one to make someone proud
An empty page Day 364 One more of 2024 to go An opportunity to write One more blessing One more affirmation One more truth One more encouragement One more message from the universe One more awareness of love and magic One more moment to remember this freedom One more occasion to make this choice
The last day? Or the first new day The next day Time to be
I love this time of the year. Its the time of year when I wake up and drink coffee looking out of the window and see how the dark blue early morning light changes through the colours into the sunrise, admitted today it is just a grey light giving tree branches a dark effect. I love this time of the year, because this all happens at a reasonable time of the morning.
Yet, I do the same thing every morning
I turn on the light.
I flick the switch
So I can see.
So that I can get on with..whatever the day brings, requires light
Coffee, breakfast, reading, work….
Its as if the darkness of the night needs to be escaped from, obliterated, and eyes drawn to the comfortable of the kettle, the sink, the phone, the laptop, the busy, the things, the activities..
Night Walking with Scouts when I was 13 taught me about not using the torchlight until it was impossible not to see with my own night vision. My eyes could adjust. At 13 I would need lights for my bike on early morning paper rounds, so cars could see me, but I could see ok. ‘It’s not as dark as we make it out to be’ when we step outside light infused buildings into the natural light of the streets, the parks or the moonlit infused sky of the open field.
‘The people in darkness will see a great light’
I used to the love the darkness of the streets, the towns the cities, as I walked them, as I had conversations with young people as a youthworker in them, the darkness often meant more interesting conversations than in the summer time, the dark autumn and winter nights full of adventure, adrenalin and unpredictability. That was a darkness, that was a terrain I was comfortable to explore in, and rarely needing a torch.
Far easier to explore the outer terrain of the darkness, than explore the terrain within.
The terrain within, the darkness within so full of shame, hurt, pain, not to be touched, not to go there. To be afraid, to let it have power.
To be afraid of the dark.
To become aware, is to see the light (John O’Donohue)
Yet that often truthful voice of darkness remains, at times shouting, at times cajoling, at times fearing, at times reminding, and for so long it dominated my everything, and it may do you too.
I thought I could maintain appearances
I thought if I could just do something everything would be ok
I thought if I did the right things, other people would change
I thought that ……
Yet the ache of darkness pained within, prowled, festered, and was fed daily. Telling me truths, that I tried to block out, cover it with busy, distract with drama, soothe with food, fill that aching pain of darkness. Pretend it wasnt there, false masking in life, the energy it took to keep the James show on the road, numbing the pain.
Afraid of the inner dark.
The inner dark maintaining its place, loving the self destruction, never wanting to be exposed, never wanting to be seen, self torture and blame its oxygen, self destruction its goal.
Morality is often the enemy of growth (John O Donohue)
We dont want to go there. It feels painful.
I didnt.
So accustomed to the light, so sometimes spiritually accustomed to God being equated with light, that darkness is shamed, darkness is rejected, darkness is suppressed, darkness is moral failure. Darkness is to be avoided.
Yet, thought you and I may walk in the shadows, I will be with you, you will not be alone (Psalm 23)
He will be called Emmanuel, God is with you….and with you always…
In the dark, and not just to transform it, but walking with you through it, through the torture of trauma, through the torture of the voices that dont go away, through the torture of daily abuse, the self soothing and addiction, through the torture of feeling small, trapped, alone… through, with, alongside.. In…yes in the darkness
About three weeks into recovering from my emotional breakdown of 6 years ago, I was reading the Anglican Morning prayer with my friend, and though I cannot remember or find the exact passage, it was something about ‘God appearing in the clouds’ it was in Isaiah somewhere, I can’t find it. And my anglican priest friend just said to me, ‘James, God will meet you in the cloud, whatever path you need to go on, God will be close, even when the cloud mystifies, hides, soaks the path, God will be there, and will appear to you, in the cloud itself’
It gave me ‘spiritual permission’ for want for a better phrase to continue the very tentative process then of the inner walk, revealing and uncovering, that God, that I believed in was light, love and joy….was also in the darkness, also in the bewildering hidden space between. Also in the cloud.
Like today. No mystical sunrise beyond the blue. Just grey light as grey as this screen is im typing on.
In the darkness we are confronted with the unknown, peering cautiously around the corners, tentative steps with tiny courage, falling at hurdles never seen in the light… but thats ok.. its where courage gets tested, its where resolve gets made, its where, honestly, its where love finds us. The more we shame the darkness the more it destroys us. Thats not the path of the God of the bible, its not the path of love, its not the path of healing, its not the path of joy.
That darkness is not us. It is not your identity. It is not who you are.
The darkness might help us, in ways we are unable to see…yet.
The darkness might be shielding us from too much shiny light (s) that seem false, seem unreal, seem artifical
The darkness might be reminding us of part of our truth, a truth to be be faced, faced so that it doesn’t continue to have power over us . Faced so that we can realise that we are bigger than it. Faced so it’s a friend and loved, not a prickly pain in the corner, festering, faced so it has the possibility of transformation.
The darkness helps us to grow, if we have the courage to turn, to, like my eyes on scout trips, adjust to it, feel our way around it, become friends with it, accept it, and love it. Slow, eye adjustment, not blinding torch. Darkness needs hugs and warmth, and whilst it tells you otherwise, you have more than enough love to give to it.
The people who walk in darkness will see a great light… They will, and you will, and I will..and from the shadows light will emerge.
In amongst the usual stuff I write about, I thought I would share over the next few weeks, as a review of the year, 4 of the stories, readings, poems, that struck me in the course of this year, as a little gift for you.
I have read Paulo Coelhos books for well over 5 years now, and this one ‘Maktub’, was translated into English in the last few years, I bought it in March, as at the time was restricting my book buying to just favourite authors or books that really stood out.
So this one was a definite. Its bite sized stories accompanied by early morning reading and quiet space for a while.
But it was this one that made me stop, underline, put the date next to it, and have a bookmark in it all year.
God is the God of the brave.
Brave. Courage.
I could talk about Mary’s bravery in the run up to advent. The 7 months of waiting, and now the month before the birth of Jesus. What did she (and Joseph) need to do to be brave?
Because…
It’s the same bravery when you or I have stood up to injustice.
It’s the same bravery when we hold someone we care about
It’s the same bravery when we face the inner demons
It’s the same bravery that we can use to make our dreams happen.
Brave means getting angry and rising to do something.
Brave means setting boundaries and saying no
Brave means turning love for others inwards too
And Hope.
God is the God of the brave.
‘Face your journey with courage. Don’t be afraid of other people’s criticisms, above all don’t let yourself be paralysed by your own self criticism’
Bravery means going beyond, to the new place you’ve have never been before.
Brave, means taking on your world to make it different. Whatever that is.
What might it mean for you to own your bravery today?
(and yes, God, it’s fucking tiring feeling like being brave is a constant…I get it..)
But own it as it’s your inner strength coming to the party, and so that one day, that power will be yours to have for you.
On two separate occasions when I was disclosing to the relevant authorities the abusive behaviour of my mother, I was asked the following question.
‘Why are you doing this now?’
It was 25 years since I had left the family home, and been a terrified abused child. Though her behaviour was still the same even as I had been an adult.
Internal confrontation had occurred previously to absolutely no effect. But then it wasn’t going to, I now know. So the damage continued.
‘So… Why now? ‘
Because that really is the question isnt it.
I was a Middle Aged man, making a complaint about stuff that had happened a while ago, and where the behaviour still continued.
Yet.
The now happened at a time when…..
I had done the very beginnings of understanding the behaviour.
I had done at that point the beginnings of some therapy on my childhood… this action of mine exacerbated it ( I stood up to her, my therapist said)
I knew I wasnt alone in this.
I thought (incorrectly) that someone might believe me.
I was a little bit stronger than I was as a child.
I even thought (incorrectly) that the processes of safeguarding might be strong enough to not be manipulated. ( yeah I was wrong about that too)
I wanted to protect others. That was it.
Stronger in myself, wanted to protect others.
It was time to let others know about the monster.
…and there had been at least one recent moment where abusive action had occurred, in the present.
Because.
It’s strange that there seems to be some weird primacy of someone being able to report abuse at the time.
I know how terrifying it is to make a complaint against someone who is abusive, manipulating, callous and dangerous.
I know that, though people had faced up to them in the past, nothing was done.
I know that there was absolutely no way of doing it in the midst, the only recourse is to walk away, run away, hide, isolate.
I know that there is bewilderment in the moment, confusion and shame. Thats what abuse is folks. ALL OF IT HAS EMOTIONAL ABUSE in it. The vulnerable self blame and feel small, as the powerful person damages and controls.
WHY NOW…
BECAUSE THEY CANT THEN. THATS THE POINT.
WHY NOW?
I was asked.
I shouldn’t have been asked.
It’s completely irrelevant.
It was the bravest thing I have ever done in my entire life.
Yet someone in a procedural document considered ‘ why now?’ to be the most appropriate question.
James Ballantyne 