‘It is the paradox of spiritual growth that through such bleak winter journeys we eventually come through a hidden door into a bright field of springtime that we could never have discovered otherwise’ (John O Donohue, Divine Beauty)
This feels better, healthier than
‘All things are for a reason’ cliche.
Even if both are virtually the same.
Paradox.
The paradox that facing darkness and finding strength and power through darkness…..leads to light being shone.
Lightness appears in the dark journeys in so many ways
When you discover the pattern of their behaviour
When you discover the pattern of your own
When the weight of fault or shame or responsibility falls..
When people show up to your vulnerability
When safety is felt….a feeling that had long been disregarded or survived despite it’s lacking
When small shoots of personal hope, courage and strength appear…like the tiny white dots of the snowdrops in January
Yet..the paradox is that for so long the possibility of this growth is delayed, resisted, fought against….because it feels too hard, too difficult, to time consuming to face it.
Better to leave alone
Too busy to face it
To difficult
Let it be…
In those occasions the darkness retains it’s power, the darkness has its hold, awakened free growth stays silent behind the door,
Talk of growth is fascinating, and what kind of growth is possible when the daily task is survival, suppression, soothing, avoidance, denial or rejection of the very thing that were consuming so much energy on, just to stay alive….alive behind so much hurt and pain that often written in our skin and eyes.
Yet that growth that promise, that light is veiled. Hidden in mystery.
Growth is feared, darkness clung to.
The wrestle of continuing in between, shining light in the tension of the now, light shining in darkness, costly, draining, hard, and well done you for keeping your candle lit.
Yet, we can want to protect the very darkness that’s hurting us, and preventing us from the lightness of growth that’s inviting us, because that’s the place of safety and security, a life we’ve been used to, in cycles of addiction, soothing and self blame, and feeling happy in designated smallness because that’s been ‘our place’.
Yet the door waits.
It can only block out the light for so long
It can only let you stay restless in the darkness for so long
I realised something today in doing a Mental Health Awareness course with work. It was that I am so proud and pleased with the journey I have been on When in the past suicidal thoughts were common from the age of 9 When negative thoughts crowded my mind, constantly When I gave in to self soothing behaviours When I felt shame When I disconnected from feelings When I couldn’t look anyone in the eye – when they asked.. ‘Are you ok?’ When I lacked any joy, dreams, or self worth When I was in survival mode When I travelled through life sacred, bruised and with a lingering depressive state.
So…as I sat in the room, I realised the extent to which I have dug deep, how much I have faced fears and inner demons and stood up for myself, how I’ve sought professional help. Sometimes it’s just important to be grateful for the journey…the one before ..and the one emerging …..
Lets face it, its far easier to put our complaints out in the open and enjoy the attention it receives. Playing victim can be an art form.
The weather. What ‘someone else did’. Blame ‘The Man’. The System.
A gloomy view of day to day life is notionally the norm. Often at bus stops. Train stations. Whenever there’s a group of people waiting. Or chatting in a cafe. Or at the end of church. Maybe its not a British thing. (Do let me know if you’re not in Britain reading this) Its the easy default culture to notice the bad, and to keep a memory of it.
If you’ve been reading my work before you will know that I have been processing and trying to understand myself through a lifetime of psychological games, and childhood abuse. This has been undoubtedly challenging and will I know be a constant long term thing. Accepting the ‘bad’ is one thing, a hard thing.
But it may be as difficult to accept the good.
It might be ‘just the accepted British way’ to say
‘It was nothing’…. when you’ve helped someone as their shopping fell out of the bag in Tescos car park and they said thank you and offered a gift.
or
‘Its just my job to do this’ ….after doing well in a presentation at work
or
‘Everyone else was having a bad day’ – when you’ve just won a competition
or
What about not actually believing someone when they tell you that you are loved, special, unique, beautiful or valued?
What is our reaction to hearing this from someone?
Is it dismissed as ‘being soft’, or ‘yeah yeah’ or not accepted?
It can be so difficult to admit that it’s actually difficult to accept being seen, being loved, being appreciated and praised. Why?
Because.. for some of us, maybe more of us than we’d like to admit, Praise was used to control and manipulate us… a form of breadcrumbs
Praise with strings.
Not just at home… church too….
It may even be that in some churches ‘praising God’ might be a similar transaction.. if I praise ..will this give me something I want..?
Pride cometh before a Fall.
Guess who heard this, in church and over and over and over again at home. This was a great reason not to praise or note someones gifts or strengths. What was interesting for me, was that I barely heard praise growing up (except from teachers or church leaders) and praise received was quickly belittled and quashed at home. ‘Dont want him getting big headed‘ ….
In another way though, every every christian denomination I have been in in the UK has some form of ‘Praising God’ for the good things in life, and ‘blaming the self’ for everything else. Its acceptance avoidance and also a denial of the person to be able to have some part in an action. God neednt have all the glory, or he can also have some of the responsibility for the failing things… or when churches close.. for example.
When ‘love’ , ‘gifts’ and ‘compliments’ have been weaponised and been tools for manipulation in our childhoods, and they were for me, I can tell how I learned to dismiss the need for them. Stoical survival: dismissing recognition of praise. I can recall those moments where I couldn’t accept a compliment for winning a race, or a piece of work.
It’s fascinating also though that in ‘Courage to be Disliked’, Kishimi and Koga write about how gratitude is different to praise. Stating
When we praise or rebuke others, the only difference is the carrot or the stick, yet the background is manipulation..
If receiving praise is what someone is after, then it is only right that they adapt to that other persons yardstick.. and put the brakes on the persons own freedom..
Kishimi, Koga, The Courage to be Disliked.
This is interesting in relation to praise and compliments, and accepting the good, praise might be unhealthy, but as children its something that (like punishments too) controlled us, and affected us and our acceptance of compliments, gratitude and affection ever since.
Because of its source.. it couldn’t be trusted. It wasnt safe.
But, that was then, this is the now. Isn’t it? (yes this takes a long time to accept too)
In what way has that conditioning still got a hold on us?
Might it be time to be a friend to yourself, to myself, and let go
The refusal to accept what’s a positive about yourself is a burden. Why go on carrying it?
Why deny ourselves the acceptance and appreciation of the beauty of the lotus (or the rose) and only focus on the mud?
Padraig O’Morain
Practically in his book ‘Acceptance’ Padraig O’Morian writes about how to listen, but then respond the the self-criticism voice inside of us.. the one that can constantly self sabotage and attack, suggesting that when the voice tries to launch into full scale attack.. ‘switch your attention from it and towards your breathing or something else, look out of the window, or focus on the movement of your feet, ‘gradually let the self attacking deflate of its own accord’ .
Because….Its perfectly healthy to accept ourselves and the good things, creative, loving, kind, achieving, wise things about ourselves. It maybe just takes a while to realise this. But it is healthy. It is. .
Its been a survival mechanism for those of us who have been on the receiving end of psychological (or spiritual) games in which acceptance of our good self has been weaponised. We masked not needing it, survived without it. What might happen if there were cracks and love came in?
It isn’t idealistic or dreamy to see the positive in a situation, even if you can see it long before someone else can, but how might I do this for the situations I am in, and not just for other people. We dont need to focus on the negative.
Acceptance of who we are , how we think, where we get energy, how we contribute in teams, in relationships is key. My recent video was on accepting my introversion, but there’s gifts in the extroverts too (yes really ;-)
What might our day to day lives be like if we can learn to accept, learn to see, and learn to talk the good in ourselves, in others and also in the world around us? Maybe it takes courage to accept the good. Courage to love and receive love. Courage to accept love and positivity.
Ah yes, you say not another end of the year review blogs, segments or pieces. I’ve wondered for a while what I might write that’s appropriate for the ‘end of 2022’ as a review piece.
I think I’ve read over 30 books this year, nearly all with some kind of self-help / journey / learning theme , and beyond what there’s been everything else that I’ve read I’ve felt and learned in the year, so maybe this is a bit of a reflective combination piece, some of the best books and most important learning from the year, for me.
So, starting with the best books, I’m.not sure how I’ve narrowed these down to 5, but these are the ones that gave me the most wow moments, the most underlined with pencil marks or post it’s, or that stayed on my coffee table to read and read throught the year
4. Heartwork a book of Self compassion by Radule Weininger
5. The space between us, A book of blessings by John O Donohue
I look at the choice of these 5 books, and realise that they encapsulated many of the paths my self learning has taken this year, there have been moments where I felt I needed to come close to understanding my childhood trauma and it’s effects, and understand trauma generally. Dibs is a brilliant book. It helped me see myself and also the children and young people around. The
I knew The Choice would be one of my top books of the year, even as it was one of the first I read in 2022, so much wisdom and story included in it, so much to learn on recovery from Trauma and the rebuild. The Choice is so good that I struggled to find anything new in Man’s Search for meaning (Victor Frankl) which I also read this year., Meaningful though it was.
It’s definitely been the case that over the last 18 months or so I have read more in relation to spirituality and personal growth. The Power of Now was a game changer for me when I read it about 18 months ago, A New Earth has stayed on my coffee table and been picked up regularly for most of the year.
Part of that Spiritual growth has taken me to Self compassion. It’s been the learning theme I have ended the year beginning. It’s a path that has revealed much to me so far, as I’ve stepped to one side of being self critical, self loathing, guilt and responsibility, it’s introduced me and reminded me that I can receive, I am worthy, I am of value, as are my emotions and feelings. And though I know all this, I’m realising there’s a difference between knowing it and living as if I believe it to be true. Heart work, the book, was like being sat with a duvet by the fire, it felt a safe book to read and then gently sense the parts of me that were being revealed through the stories, as well as sit with the exercises that she suggests. And this is before I give myself time to do the journal that she suggests to do.
John O Donohue appeared like a mystery from a charity book shop in November, and given me an opportunity to practice self compassion through creating the space to read and meditate on the blessings.
There are some other honourable mentions, Matt Haig’s midnight library and How to stop time were both very good, and I loved Ruth Ozekis ‘The book of form and emptiness’ . I’m re reading The Universal Christ (Richard Rohr) for the second time to Christelle as I think there’s alot in it to enjoy. (Reading aloud does enable a new perspective) The Seat of the Soul, and Spiritual Partnership by Gary Zukav were both good too. Links to all these and others are in the resources page above.
So there we have it, my top 5 self learning books of the year, these were the ones that caused my heart to feel opened, to be a spiritual experience in just reading them and provoke and accompany me on this life journey.
May you, may I have a blessed, learning and compassionate 2023.
Just stopping by on the beginning of Christmas week 2022, in the midst of me getting ready to cook some food for my son and his girlfriend, and then as I travel on trains tomorrow and planes on Wednesday to be with my beautiful wife Christelle for Christmas.
A moment of calm. Nat King Cole is playing. The Christmas lights and candles are glowing. Apple and Cinnamon scent is wafting around, presents have been wrapped and its a moment to breathe.
A moment to notice.
A moment to appreciate feeling safe. A moment to appreciate feeling love. A moment to be thankful, to be grateful. A moment to feel, and notice that moments like this, gaps, are not to be frightened of anymore. Its these cracks where love washes in.
Its 4.30pm and its not been all like this all day. Ive carried a pre Christmas and travel to do list around in my head all day, whilst also being at work for the last day. But now, having scurried around a bit for the day, Im having just a moment of me time.
Breathing slowly. Noticing the light of the candle. Feeling.
Realising too, the effort its taken, the effort Ive taken to get to where I am, this year. A lot has been happening. There’s been some dark moments of reliving trauma, abuse and suffering. There’s been times of facing my own complex vulnerabilities, of embracing what’s its meant by being self compassionate, of enjoying receiving, of making choices about responding to what I’m actually feeling day by day.
So I sit here, feeling a sense of love for myself, acceptance of myself, and feeling relaxed as I take one then another breath. Grateful for the vulnerable giants whose own shared lives have inspired, encouraged and caused me to dig deep into my own heart, power and strength, Brene Brown, Gary Zukav, Paulo Coelho, Edith Eger, Matt Haig, your life story, your fictions and your insight is truly transformative. The therapists in person, and the therapy groups on Facebook – there’s many a time you have struck a chord and enabled me to come face to face with a new reality, so thank you, North Brisbane Psychotherapists, Dr Glenn Patrick Doyle, Mike Philips and Patrick Weaver Ministries. Thank you.
But Christmas.
Somehow as I sit here and in conversation with Christelle, we shared about how this time can be a weird one for those of us rebuilding our lives after childhood trauma. Weird in that kind of way of noticing, facing, and accepting the moments that aren’t so apparent in April , June or September. Pain in a Christmas movie can be about grief for the much loved parent who isn’t around – rarely one who was abusive. (yes I know, no one wants that Christmas movie)
Christmas time gives opportunities for continued self love, tenderness and self- compassion.
Know that its ok to feel whatever Christmas feels for you. Feel that mystery of love deep within your wounded heart and soul. Neither I, neither you are the pain or shame.
May I share with you this blessing, as a gift, from John O Donohue, as I also say thank you, and do have a truly restful, calm, loving, heartfelt, self compassionate Christmas.
A Prayer for the Awakened:
For Everything under the Sun, there is a time, This is the season of your harvest awakening, where pain takes you where you would rather not go.
Through the white curtain of yesterdays to a place you had forgotten you knew from the Inside out, And a time when that bitter tree was planted.
That has grown always invisibly beside you, and whose branches your awakened hands, now long to disentangle from your heart.
You are coming to see how your looking often darkened, When you should have felt safe enough to fall towards love; How deep down your eyes were always owned by something.
That faced them through a dark fester of thorns, Converting whoever came into a further figure of the wrong, You could only see what touched you as already torn.
Now the act of seeing begins your work of mourning, and your memory is ready to show you everything, having waited all these years for you to return and know.
Only you know where the casket of pain is interred, You will have to scare through all the layers of covering, And according to your readiness, everything will open.
May you be blessed with a wise and compassionate guide, Who can accompany you through the fear and grief, until your heart has wept its way to your true self.
As your tears fall over that wounded place,
May they wash away the hurt and free your heart
May your forgiveness still – the hunger of the wound
So that for the first time you can walk away from that place, Reunited with your banished heart, now healed and freed
And feel the clear, free air bless your new face
For Someone Awakening to the Trauma of their past – John O Donohue
Be Still friends, and Know that you are love – Happy Christmas to you
After writing yesterdays piece on Self Compassion, I have spent time today reflecting, meditating and feeling through the following quotes. I share them here:
You can’t have compassion unless you’re first willing to feel what you feel
John Welwood : Between Heaven and Earth, principles of Inner work – in Weininger ‘Heartwork’ The path of Self compassion – 2017
When a deep, honest conversation, makes us feel connected to someone, we become very happy.
The same deep connection with ourselves is possible by wholly accepting who we are and realising the enlightened nature of ourselves
This too is a source of incomparable happiness and freedom.
Haemin Sunim, Things we only notice when we slow down, 2017
The Ultimate truth of who you are is not I am this or I am that – But I Am
Eckhart Tolle, Oneness with all life (2008)
On another occasion I may write more about the path of self compassion and what I am discovering through it. One thing, is the sense of warmth and peace I feel afterwards, and feeling stronger though openness to myself , feeling and then comforting the rawness of the areas of my life that require self tenderness and gentleness. I sense that self compassion is a gateway to deep soul strength.
But now I will be a friend to myself, as keep this a short one today. It has been a restoring day.
Closing with these words from The Dalai Lama:
Compassion and love can be defined as the positive thoughts and feelings that give rise to such essential things in life as hope, courage, determination and inner strength
Thank you for all the supportive comments, likes and shares from my writing and self learning. I appreciate you.
James Ballantyne 