This feels like one of the most difficult pieces I have ever written, but that fact alone doesnt stop me from wanting to write it, for theres a feeling I get every now and then, that I hate, and this week its become much stronger.
This is difficult to write, because I know I won’t get it right.
And that is the feeling that I really hate men sometimes.
I hate men when they abuse women
I hate men when they manipulate systems to allow those who abuse women to get away with it
I hate men when they blame alcohol or women to excuse their behaviuour
I hate men who find it easy to talk about raping and treating women as their possession
I hate men who lie and play games with women to pit them against each other, whilst abusing others to keep them silent.
I hate men when they say its not all men, because they are factually right, it isnt but thats not whats required, whats required is listening, learning and feeling, and standing up women, and to challenge the systems, that exist all over the world.
I hate men, who, just dont take responsibility. For themselves, for others, and expect others to revolve around them. It is not good enough
The men who blame women for their actions, to excuse them – ‘because they did what they did or didnt do, or wear what they did or didnt- that was the reason I acted’ they were to blame.
So im annoyed, Im hurt and I feel powerless, but I just wanted to talk about it, why- because im tired of having to feel like whilst its not all men, its enough men, its enough systems, its enough places where male behaviour is excused.
I was at a local railway station late last night, 6 drunk older men in their late 50’s got off the same late train as me, I knew what was going on, i could work out a late train needed a new ticket and how to do a quick change. It was as if they couldn’t and didnt want to even try to follow what I was saying to them, just reading the signs and saying things like ‘our train went early’ and blaming a train, whilst having no idea what was going on. The train they were meant to be on left, without them, and they might have spent the night in thornaby at 9.45pm on a Friday night, with not a chance of getting too Sunderland.
Im sick and tired of men, who dispose of their responsibilities, for themselves, and expect others to deal with them when drunk.
I wonder, what might it be like to begin to admit our collective failings as men in society.
Dont take out the reason that life has treated us badly on other people – therapy and talking it out is a way of doing it – sports and alcohol distraction only delays it
I wonder, if a key to healing as a man is to stop, and admit things.
The closer we are to the pain and walking through it, the greater chance of being able to be free from it.
Our woundedness is not an excuse for behaviour – men we can choose – and men, often we can do better, often we are just lazy. Or maybe we prefer to bully and abuse others, because thats when we get what we want, whilst clawing away at our soul.
We have been conned by our own male orientated society to think the way that we do, and brought up in a world that has tainted our views on money, possessions, power and women. We just dont know what or who to be, too soft, too hard, too closed, too open, too feminine, too kind, not enough.
I want to be sympathetic as well as angry. I want to see the men who act disastrously and destructively as both victim and perpetrator.
Its complicated, I know, and thats the problem.
What does healing for men look like when brought up by an abusive mother? When you’re angry at that abusive mother or father, or been in the care system, what is that like?
What does healing for men look like to the entitled man who has everything, who destroys everything around him as a consequence of his moulded ego and narcissism? Can they be healed?
What does a healed, healthy, society look like – and how significant should the male dominated media play in it?
Whats the starting point we’re at now?
There are times when I hate men. I really do
I hate that victims of male abuse pay 1000’s on legal fees and therapy to recover. That should not happen.
Yet Society rewards the bullies.
And I am one of them.
A white middle aged man.
And I know I can do better. Because if I can do better, it benefits everyone.
I can reach into the depths of my hurting damaged heart and try not to inflict that pain on others, then it is possible.
I hate men as much as Im embarrassed to be a man sometimes, or feel some kind of gender guilt because of the 100’s and 1000’s of stories of women beaten up by men on a daily basis.
It wasn’t her
It wasnt the drink
It wasnt the football
It wasnt the mates down the pub
It wasnt the stress of work
It wasnt the lack of work
It wasnt a mental health issue
It was you.
Because you had a choice not to, at every point.
Maybe healing for men, is for you because you are on the brink, you are angry, you are bitter, you are running, you are hiding, you feel trapped, pressured and exhausted. It doesnt have to be this way or continue to be.
Dont stand there and tell me that men are abused too, I know, I so know it.
I look in horror at the Plymouth shooting and its aftermath, and the many shootings elsewhere by men.
So maybe this is anger, maybe this is grief – for what we have all become.
So I’m thinking out loud, heart filled splattering of hurt, pain and anguish.
I wish it wasnt the way, but sometimes I really hate men.
James Ballantyne 