As I stood and looked at this scene just before Christmas, the thing I noticed was the gaps.
Gaps.
Intentional spaces between a barrier, or border, space left open.
A navigation tool, and opening to see from distance to walk towards.
To follow.
To trust.
To know that you are on a path (though might not always be the right one ;-) )
And at the start of the new year, the year starts with the gap of opportunity. The gap of unlived promise, desires to be awakened, space to be filled.
Yet…
What, if I’m honest, do I struggle with most?
Often it’s the gap between expectation and reality, the expectations in my thoughts, and the reality of the experiences, what actually is happening, or going to and being unable to have open acceptance. Too little a gap between them, to much mind going on in the swirl of the every experience.
Or the noise in my mind when I think I’m in trouble, or upset someone , or not done enough, or guilt about any of these things and the filling of the space happens….yet….
Or even deciding to make that gap, because it’s sometimes so much more comfortable to fill it, even when that inner discomfort is saying otherwise. Because, I can decide, I have more power than I realise.
What space might we make for the gap, that space between things and no-things.
To sense and make a space between expectations and realities, and not feel disappointment, but to notice that what is as a gift.
The gap is open, it is air.
It may be time to breathe in the gap.
To make space to dwell in presence, and not productivity.
The Slow time of betweenness where silence calls its disturbing, and also peaceful voice.
Space for Space itself
The invitational promise of the gap
That focussed the mind on consciousness itself
To wonder
To be
To imagine
The gap between thought and feeling
Between longing and belonging
Where we find God, being, freedom or Love
Where we sense that mystical indescribable something, close.
Just there.
Always.
Like the empty pages of this years diary, or the gaps between the notes in a music score.
Notice.
The Gap.
And, let the Gap call you forward.
Take your time this year.
Move slowly.
And decide to go there.
To give that energy inwards
And let it find you.
Because it’s there.
And there may you be embraced by peace.
Time, to be, time to sit,
stay there…as long as you can dwell.
This has been inspired by my current reading which is ‘Living Untethered’ by Michael A Singer, his previous book ‘The Untethered Soul’ is one I highly recommend, on seeing, feeling and noticing the mind, and how to live in personal freedom.
It was a film that centred Men and their dealing with emotions, such as grief, anger and memories. Yes, it wasn’t perfect and maybe not therapeutically perfect either. But it was good.
So it got me wondering, what films have you watched that portrayed Men dealing appropriately, though not always perfectly, with their emotions? Do comment below
I can think of a few others, Rocketman, Hector and the pursuit of Happiness, The Day we sang all watched in the last few years – but what for you has been a good film that shows Men dealing well with difficult emotions?
It sometimes feels an effort to have fun – dont you think? well it does for me
Nothing is stopping me, I can do what I want, So what cant I?
But then I started to realise why… its those voices in my head, the critical ones, the sensible ones…these ones…
‘Are you boys having fun?’
Came the voice of the abuser to me, on a number of times, its often at a time when I have actually been having fun.
Its tone was accusatory. It was as if ‘fun’ was not allowed.
Fun was ‘found out’ – look you couldn’t hide it from me, you were having fun
Secret fun.
You doing have fun without me, you don’t have fun in this house,
Isnt there something more useful you should be doing… like meeting my needs instead?
Fun guilt.
‘Just dont make a mess’
Fun now has to be clean, organised, tidy.
‘I didnt say dont have fun, just keep the noise down’
I gave up fun, fun was no fun..
Another factor in the fun thing for me is the church thing.
Growing up evangelical – meant having conditional fun, and being judgemental on other peoples fun
‘Look at us having fun without alcohol’ – at a barn dance that is excruciatingly painful in 1991 with other ‘young people’ who are finding it excruciatingly painful watching their parents dance and look as though they are pretending to be having fun and its just so awful. Then to be forced to dance. URGH.
It wasnt just sex, drugs and rock and roll that were banned – it was anything that was the gateway to any of these things, school discos, pop music, smoking (anything) ..- we dont do what they do…
Fun for me as a teenager was doing ‘christian fun’ – what was allowed – the christian music festival – and yet even there I struggled to have fun, because I was so un easy about having fun, with the exception of sports, just dont get me to dance, or draw
Problem is in a context of what is and what isnt allowed….nothing seems much fun
If Fun is about doing something for the sake of it, doing something that might be boundless, free, creative and spontaneous.. then I realise that part of rediscovering myself, and my inner child is about ‘having fun’ again
I can definitely see how having conditions on fun – meant that something wasnt fun
I can see now also that as part of the trauma of growing up with a psychopathic parent, that fun wasnt part of the deal, because more than not fun was about being responsible, staying alert. The only fun was to do the thing they wanted to do.
Theres only allowed fun in abusive narcissist prison.
Guilty for having fun? Shame for having the wrong kind of fun? Too responsible to have fun?
Too inhibited to get drunk, always needing to be aware, responsible and look after others..- yes
So when did I start to notice this, and realise it?
I notice all the time, id rather be serious, think about serious things, learn, write (like this), digest the news (see previous post), and even some hobbies can feel like a performance, competitive…
I really noticed about fun when I asked my inner child what he wanted to do that was fun – and then actually do it
It was my inner child that wrote what it above.
I noticed too when it felt a momentous action to pick up a felt tip pen and make a messy splurge on a piece of paper.
Dont make a mess, stick to the lines, you cant draw, dont be silly, that’s silly…voices in my head, every time
Be a grown up, dont be childish, whats the point, haven’t you something more responsible, or helpful to do – like write a blog or check twitter or tidy, or…
I realise that its a struggle to ‘have fun’ – when the voices in my head, the critical parent – from the sources of those critical voices, abusive people and excessively moral churches – have been so dominant, and Ive been conditioned to comply, to fit, and found belonging or a trauma bond in compliance.
Overthinking fun makes it a struggle to have fun at all.
Just need to do it.
So one of those things is that fun is guided.
What do I do now for fun? new things that ive never been interested in before… and also new things I didnt know I could do before, as well as some of the old things like trains, cycling and growing food, but also photography,
Walks, and after those occasions a few months ago, now experimenting with drawing, art and self discovery in drawing, colours, and art – something I left behind as a child. Learning to be creative will be another piece, but at this stage, just to say that ive discovered something fun in stuff that I thought I couldn’t do or hated as a child. Its like an unlocking.
PICK UP THE PENS JAMES. JUST DO IT..so..
Heres something I drew yesterday, just for fun….and with both hands simultaneously…
Safety is so important in the pursuit of creativity – unless you dont give a fuck about what it is you’re creating and potentially upsetting in the process
So often emotional abuse resolves around the shameful control of behaviour and that includes ‘what is allowed as fun’
Often those who cannot have fun project rules onto those so it prevents them from doing so.
I do find it a struggle to have fun.
Maybe thats an ‘adult thing’ – but I’m more sure its a recovery from narcissistic abuse thing too. Life was about survival – and fun doesnt play a part – (maybe except outside the prison walls)
A few thoughts on Fun:
I can relate. When you’ve been fighting for justice or for survival all your life, it doesn’t take much to be content. A safe place to live, some peace and quiet, can be enough for a while. Your idea of fun might just change a bit. (Ryan on Twitter @Ryan_Daigler)
I think I feel guilty for enjoying myself? And also sometimes in the past bad things have happened to others whilst I’ve been out enjoying myself so there’s that.(Lydia @Lydimoo)
and someone trying to..
I promised myself I would do fun things while I’ve got all my evenings to myself during the school holidays. It’s not yet working out as planned, Ive killed alot of time playing games though (Helen @Helenmt)
One of the hardest things for me about rebuilding after trauma is to do it.
Its not a linear thing, but I find it fascinating that what I needed in the midst of dealing the traumatic situations was a calm cool head, the oft said ‘breathe’ and as Van Der Kolk writes about, to use breathing to begin to bring the intellect into play, when in an emotionally traumatic experience.
If part of the rebuild after emotional trauma is to be in a safe place, a calm one, then its fascinating that the rebuild requires a active shift.
Research suggests that creative practices (Cappachione, 1988) and physical practices (Van Der Kolk 2014) are keys to the re-make post trauma.
So its a doing thing.
I have to participate in my own trauma rebuilding.
Id rather learn the theory.
Im used to creating spaces to help others do this
Im used to watching from the sidelines
I watch, while others dance.
Watching, rather than being active, Hobbies that have included transporting, birdwatching, all stemming from a need to be observant of others.
Yet I still find ‘doing’ recovery from trauma practices difficult, because it involves parts of me that have been inhibited, restricted, shamed into non being.
‘We dont do that sort of thing’ (Dance),
‘Thats a bit weird and of the devil’ (Yoga),
‘Dont make a mess , we dont want to clutter up the kitchen with these drawings’ (Art and Creativity), dont be silly, dont be messy.
Its like to trying to de-concentrate and just do.
Id rather write a blog about why I find doing trauma remaking practices difficult than pick up a wax crayon. But its so that I didnt have to write this line, that the last week I have been picking up the wax crayons.
Thats the thing though, I have to let my head stop. Yet its what I needed to survive.
I need to just do. Let my body do.
I may have read about theory of trauma, but unless its a tick box exercise, Id avoid the exercises in even the list of resources in the menu above.
It was only in front of my therapist that I drew a picture.
Draw something on a sheet of paper. No – I cant draw
Go on – No – why, its pointless
Do it….No its silly
Its like learning to swear and get it out. Let feelings loose
Use crayons and scribble, let it happen…
Theres so many reasons why I find participating in my own healing difficult.
So many excuses not to, because theres other peoples to think of
But also, so used to being the observer to other peoples existence, the soother of others pain, concentrating to stay safe, being told not to feel, easily distracted by the safety of helping others, and having my brain engaged in debates, or the empathy and response patterns of social media.
It means me being selfish with my time. Investing in myself as I reparent myself.
My remaking after trauma and through it involved my participation.
Just doing it. Like there Nike Advert.
Im glad my therapist recommended this book: ‘Recovery of your inner child’ by Lucio Cappachione to me. Because, although it contains some writing, it also has many exercises to actually do. Things I had to do. Myself.
Things I had to do and feel. Do and respond to.
Im not sure its possible to theorise my way out of trauma. Or to watch others. Or just to talk about it.
Remaking after trauma is a participation thing, that I have to do.
What about you? Are you in that mindset struggle to ‘do’ the practices of self care/healing? Do you have strategies, things you tell yourself? Do share below:
James Ballantyne 