James Ballantyne

Tag: Boundaries

  • Choosing a Life Beyond the News Cycle

    I was raised to believe that it was important to watch the news and stay informed.

    When my friends were watching the Simpsons, or fresh prince, or some other thing when they ate their tea in front of the TV.

    My childhood was spent watching…

    Blue Peter from 5.15pm or Crackerjack (and I was terrified of the gunge machine, I still dont know why , but I was)

    Neighbours from 5.35, or whatever the BBC used to fill that space before then, then because 6pm was always the time the ‘food’ was served, it was BBC news time.

    Nicolas Witchell, Angela Rippon, whoever it was, presenting.

    The 6pm news.

    From an early age, (im only 46) first memories include the Brighton Bombing, Mid nineties Thatcher, Poll tax riots, IRA bombings, conflict in Isreal, and then probably the event that captured my news attention and kept it for the next 30 odd years. The Gulf war of 1990.

    Then I started to do paper rounds, and I became the delivered of the news to people, and I got paid for it, and I read it. Slowly moving my attention from the back pages (sport, interesting) to the front (politics boring..then interesting..addictive)

    It was as if it was drummed into me that staying informed was important. Because this is what the routine was. 6pm news time. Bedtime as I grew older was ‘after the 9pm, or 10pm news’ The News dictated life events.

    The more we follow the news, the better informed we are and the healthier our democracy. This is still the story many parents tell their kids, but scientists are now reaching very different conclusions. The news, according to dozens of studies, is a mental health hazard’

    Rutger Bregman, Humankind, 2020

    Yet that ingrained societal view is still there.

    And I have no doubt that right now the media is useful, but until it gets a backbone, it’s merely a publishing arm of the political leader and their drama that is feeding it. And media loves attention as media loves drama. The spiral creates clicks. It’s not news when people do their jobs properly, it just doesn’t sell.

    The problem is that we’re in danger of forgetting the truth, and cultivating a life around the lies and responding to them. I can honestly say that BBC news 24 was on repeat hour by hour most nights for me, for about 10 years, in those days I would watch ‘ the news, sport and weather’ to switch off. Yet it was doing nothing of the sort.

    It was creating pathways in my brain of how I was seeing the world, negativity, conflict, competition, hate and lies, shouted by the loudest, ‘them’ and ‘us’, ‘othering’ – blame put on young people, poor people, everything a war, or crisis. Then the were the conversations about the news, so Question Time, or ‘This week’ or satire to soothe the news.’ HIGNFY’ or Mock the week’ – what a spiral!

    One of the things I noticed, when I furnished my new flat in 2019, and for the last 6 years, is that I dont have a TV.

    I proudly could say also that I didnt let a single spoken word of Boris Johnson or even in his first and now second stint as toddler in chief (TIC) of the USA, DT, enter the airwaves of that space, or my new one. I dont listen to the Radio either (and I used to have radio 5 on all of the time too).

    I would have thought that I was a kind of loony hippy by doing this, I get strange looks now ‘ what you dont have a TV?’ I also then get the ‘I bet you watch Netflix though, or something else.’ Nope, (You tube yes) its as if TV is meat eating and im now in some kind of weird ‘free from ‘ media diet. Maybe thats it. Maybe, by not having the news on, the radio on, and trying desperately to not a have a social media feed thats sharing responses, reactions, the consequences and the fears of TIC.

    Maybe thats it. Call me an idealist, Call me a dreamer, call me lost in a cloud of unreality. But news, drama, and TV is a choice. It might not feel like it, but it is. And powerful people are forcing its power on us all, and more often than not it’s making us sick.

    We are not rational enough to be exposed to the press

    (Nassim Taleb)

    Free from.

    Because yes there are horrible, nasty, challenging things in the world. There truly are, there truly will be, and the most awful are barely on the news. There are real things that require effort and time. Its no surprise that the increase hours of tv watching as culminating in societal loneliness, reduced volunteering and reduced community spirit (Bowling Alone, 1996). Social prescribing might not have been a required thing, but it is. There’s a need for doctors to encourage social being-ness. Lost connections increase depression (Johann Hari)

    Mental health charities might suggest a social media switch off. But that lets the deemed mainstream off scot free. It’s all of it.

    Note your feelings as you watch or consume it. Then how you react to others or what you need after it. If you’re not ok, then you’re not ok, and the news isnt there to make you feel good, it’s not its job, even if that lie of ‘being informed’ has been drummed into you.

    Mark yourself free from the news for a day, or two, or a week. See what that feels like. Because if you can do it, you might notice something.

    If it seems radical to switch off the news, then something is clearly wrong with society, and our view of what’s important. And trust me, its hard work to keep up, when its become a trauma bond of voyeristic proportions.

    It might sound like I am weak to not be able to ‘cope with the news’ as it’s a ‘little bit triggering’ , or im too sensitive. It not that at all. I have made choices to say no to the powerful forces of the media in certain forms, and go against the default flow of the news narrative. I think that makes me powerful.

    Free from. It’s not just the physical diet, or the spiritual one, it’s the media too. Boundaries are for all of these things, and in order for us to remember our own strength, power and immensity, ‘No’ when it comes to the media, is a stance.

    ‘They dont write the truth about us, so why should I believe what they say about them’ (Pride, the movie)

    Switching off, virtually completely was what I had to do, some of that was enforced, some of that was genuinely because I started ‘project James’ and began looking inwards, with therapy 6 years ago, and I realised that I just didnt have the energy, or even desire to listen, watch or engage anymore. It wasnt as important as me.

    And the news isnt as important as you either. It’s not real, and its lies only exist because enough people believe in them.

    And 6 years down the road, Im still a non TV news evangelist.

  • I’m Glad my Mom Died

    I’m Glad my Mom Died

    ..is a raw, heartfelt, inspiring book.

    It’s about the way in which the unconscious expectations are placed on a child, it’s the story of how a child, then teenager, Jeannette McCurdy, has to resist growing up to maintain the fantasy of her mother, whom she adored, of being an actress.

    I have read many books on parents and narcissism, but this is the first book I have read that describes the story of what the child had to do, and the effects long term.

    There’s much in the book that I can relate to, there’s much that I have seen in other situations too.

    If you want to get an idea of the damage emotional and coercive abuse, by a mother, can do and looks like, and how it sits under the radar of criminality, but is wholly self absorbed and destructive, then this is it.

    It’s telling that the behaviour in the book has generational patterns, the grandmother was a similar whining moaning complaining woman. The men got all the blame (not doing enough, not meeting their needs, aloof, blamed for affairs to disorientate as the women were actually having affairs.. I’ll not tell spoilers) , the women sat aloof , controlling them all.

    The thread of the mother’s perpetual victim story, of having and surviving cancer runs through. This story is forced down her own children’s throats on home videos, and used as a lever to get acting roles for Jeannette, ‘tell them your mum survived cancer as part of the audition’ is often directed.

    The effect on Jeanette is continual people pleasing, pretending, orientating her entire life around not upsetting her mother,(who was always liable to cry, get angry, scream ‘ungrateful’ , or be disappointed) at any or regular occasions. Jeannette is on emotional alert all the time, in a life that until near the end of the book is not hers, but her mothers.

    Jeannette takes on, since childhood, the emotional regulation of her mom, as the one who can soothe her, who can make her mum happy, yet.. to keep the relationship and Jeannette in her mothers orbit, nothing, not even a good audition or making a part is good enough. So Jeannette is perpetually emotionally exhausted, and notably is comes as a shock in her mid twenties that she can think of herself also. But by this time she is high on alcohol and the effects of 12 years of eating disorders.

    Im glad my mom died is raw, it’s funny at times, and I found myself cheering Jeannette on for every healing conversation with a therapist and every step forward she was making, yet the catalogue of abuse and those who could take advantage of her extended beyond just her mother, which isn’t surprising.

    It would be easy to dismiss this book as only being relevent in the culture created by child acting, the media and production companies, but it is easily relatable to other organizations and cultures, especially with a high performative, high expectation , moral expectation. The fact that Jeannette also experienced a high rigid culture of Mormonism and it’s expectations, and it’s associated shame, is a pointer. It’s interesting that Jeannette mothers pulled her away from church, as also projecting criticism of them to Jeannette, causing Jeannette to not continue to go, and feel the shame. Jeannette mom was just invalidating those who might be critical of her to her daughter.

    What I like too is that Jeannette doesn’t use the N word until the very end of the book. But what she describes throughout is her experiences, as they are, the treatment and behaviour she suffered, and her responses to it, so that when she uses the ‘N’ word (Narcissistic) is carries all the weight. Again, those of us who experienced then normalised, then survived in and amongst this will likely get this, how the naming of it heals, but also the categorising hides the varieties of behaviour behind it. It reminded me of when I first read the pink book – the words I discovered were ‘self absorbed’ or as in Lindsay Gibsons books, ‘Emotionally immature’ rather than the oft-banded around N word. But when we learn the terms having suffered it, we know.

    I was warned that I might be triggered by the book, and maybe that warning meant that I read the book prepared for what it may do. Yes, there are some aspects I relate to, high expectations, perpetual victim, emotional eggshells, at least, there are some differences, not every abusive mother looks or is the same.

    Some are more covert, some overt

    Some rely on victimhood, others entitlement

    All have prey and supply, all divide, all use people as extension of roles, none take any responsibility, all create drama.

    I’m Glad my Mom Died, is one such story of the effect of one type of narcissistic abusive mothers, it’s relief to those who’ve experienced something similar (to know we’re not alone) and insight to those who start to see the patterns from this example.

    Cheering you on Jeannette, keep on going putting yourself first.

    Im Glad my Mom Died is available here

    Thank you to my new Daughter in Law Meghan for recommending this book to me, much appreciated, and to my lovely Christelle for transporting it across the pond.

  • Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 28) After you’ve closed the door … let the Guilting begin.

    Surviving Psychopathic Parenting (Part 28) After you’ve closed the door … let the Guilting begin.

    No I don’t mean the nostalgic return to quilting involving turning fabric into bed sheets. I mean guilting.

    After I plucked up the courage and made difficult decisions to leave and block abusive people in my life.

    People who had treated me badly, abusively in different ways- though lots of emotional abuse, gaslighting, covert narcissism, emotional neglect, bullying and bewildering drama.

    I took steps to remove them from my life – standing up for myself.

    Then, do you know what happened, they decided just to let me go, peacefully, respecting my decision.

    (im being sarcastic..)

    No, you see, even though they make absolutely no effort for a relationship – they have to make it look as though they are now making an effort, and that the person, me, becomes the subject of operation guilting.

    ‘We’re really sad you dont speak to us’

    ‘They’re missing you’

    ‘What does God say about broken relationships – shouldn’t you reconcile’

    ‘ Remember all our happy memories’

    ‘Shouldn’t you….’

    ‘so and so said we were good together’

    ‘You’re missing out’

    ‘Just remember we’re your parents…’

    ‘The Bible says…’

    On one occasion my personal details were given away to someone who sent me a pleading guilt ridden letter, and a book on ‘restoring relationships’. I mean…..

    Amongst other things, they go for playing on the thing that might cause the most guilt or shame – faith, compliance, some tug at a happy memory, in amongst 20 or 40 or more years of suffering. Im trying to draw a slight line here in separating guilting from breadcrumbing. Breadcrumbing is when the person gives gift, or promises that are nothing other than breadcrumbs, trying to win you back. Guilting is when they use guilt to.

    Often guilting appears with breadcrumbs, but its a different one. They might say that they’re not going to try and win you back – but instead play the guilt cards.

    Whats often telling with guilting is the lack of actual effort they make in the relationship (a narcissist never takes responsibility for anything) – they spend more effort in guiding afterwards in victimised mode – that when they could actually do something in the relationship itself. They’d rather play on the heart strings after, and have no heart within.

    They are not wanting you back – for who you really are (nb you were barely anything other than a toy, a slave or a trophy to them anyway) – they are doing everything they can be not to be angry, but projecting anger as guilt – because they have lost control of you. That is what they have lost. A wounded control freak is continuing the same behaviour. The tricks they once used have been revealed.

    The unexpected email may arrive, the card through the door, the letter – after you have made that decision to leave and leave for good – whether friend, sibling, partner or parent – watching for the guilting to begin, it’ll be there. Its just about control.

    One thing to note, guilting can be the last tactic they use, its the final flings of their loaded abusive dice. Once its been ignored – they know the game is up. But that might also be the tone in which any future communication is also. Its just that often, anger, fear and guilt are their only genuine emotional currency anyway, so its to be expected- every thing else is just false breadcrumbs.

  • The challenge of saying No (today)

    The challenge of saying No (today)

    I had built it up over the weekend, tried to put it off, thought it, over thought it, woke up thinking about it, not been able to sleep thinking about if its the right decision was about to make.

    Then I realised that it wasnt that it was about the ‘right decision’

    It was about the fact that I had to say no to someone, someone who offered me some work

    I didnt want to do that thing, say No.

    I was also due to go and see some properties later today – but I realised that neither were going to be suitable – so that was another ‘No’ telephone call.

    I expected the work person to be annoyed, I expected them to say that I had inconvenienced them, I feared being made to feel guilty for saying No. Why?

    Because that’s what saying No meant every time when in an abusive relationship.

    Saying no – was responded to with anger or guilting – for not accommodating their needs

    How dare you say no to me!

    You’ve upset me and let me down

    You haven’t tried hard enough – this is your fault

    I dont like you when you say no

    You always do what you want

    and the rest…

    Theres no wonder why working through issues of conflict and saying No have been part of my healing and self aware story – Learning the power of No is here – the rest of my story is above in the links

    So I was building up to the phone call.

    Deep breath.

    Adrenaline going

    Lots of energy being spent…

    and…

    And it was ok.

    The person understood.

    The person was wished me well. The person was grateful that id been honest with them. The person realised that I needed more from them as an employer.

    The person I said no to – realised that my needs were important. Interesting that.

    Then I had to say no to some viewings – the estate agents, thanked me for calling and offered other properties and said ‘ thats ok James, there’ll be others more suitable’

    The Estate agent recognised my needs – as I said no to them too. Interesting that.

    What happens when you are emotionally damaging relationships with emotionally needy people – is that you are never ever seen, seen to have needs, or wants or desires – these all pale into insignificance, to the needs of the neediest. Yes is the only word to say to them, as otherwise it opens the door to the emotional rage from within. Eggshells again.

    I said No today and It was ok.

    I said No 3 times today – and it felt good.

    I even walked out of a car sales garage saying No and not feeling bad about it- I mean thats progress too!

    I didnt realise that people might actually be ok if I said no to them.

    I put my needs first.

    I eliminated things that weren’t the right thing for me.

    I chose myself.

    Also – because everything is just a tiny bit stressful at the moment, with job and flat all change situation – I forgot things I learned a while ago.

    Or worse – they started to attack.

    what will be their reaction, have you let people down again? and the rest…

    Today, I had a healthy reminder that it should be ok to say no. That No is about protecting, about deciding and about thinking about my needs.

    I had a reminder of the power of No.

    I had a reminder that I might be worth more than what was on offer – and that the other person could actually see that.

    I felt proud of myself that I had said no. I felt relieved too.

    Today was a bit of a life lesson, a reminder, of the energy required to muster up the power of No. – and doing it in the midst of tiring life situations…

    What if the No creates the space for the Yes to emerge? – well…maybe thats for another time…

  • 2 years of being able to breathe

    I realised this week that I’ve been able to breathe for 2 years now, these were the first two years I’d been able to breathe in my whole life

    I remember when I walked into the flat 25 months ago and being emotional in front of the estate agent. Realising that this was going to be my space, my space to look after, my space to look after myself in, my space , haven, calm

    My space, to make home. To light candles, listen to music, read, and enjoy life in my own pace.

    My space to determine boundaries of what I listen to, read or who I allow in

    My space to look forward to coming home to after leaving it

    My safe space

    I can breathe

    Stop and slow down

    41 years of emotionally abusive home space, with 2 in-between of working/living in houses with gap year teams, with me being the ‘responsible’ one

    2 years of being able to breathe

    2 years of being enough, 2 years of listening to my heart, 2 years of not having to revolve around the often crazy unpredictable needs of others, 2 years of being just me.

    2 years of healing from the 41 years previously

    2 years of starting to see

    Healing requires time, safety and connection, and in the process, self determination to make decisions, take control, for me about putting myself first, making decisions for my own good.

    It makes me stop and realise quite how unhealthy places are when breathing isn’t possible. When eggshells are the only floor covering and avoiding fighting or fawning conflict is the only reality. That’s not to mention lies and gaslighting, and trying to constantly work out who the crazy one is.

    It’s worth saying here, if you’re the one creating eggshells for others in your relationships, or family, through manipulation, control, bullying and neediness then maybe decide to give it up. You can change. Problem is, that you’re unlikely to read this. But…

    If you’re not breathing you’re not living, you’re just surviving. I was just surviving all my life. Ignoring every attempt of my heart to make itself known. Just surviving. Bouncing from one crisis to another. Fawning over the needy anger of toxicity.

    Breathing for 2 years, learning to be me. Realising who ‘me’ is.

    As I write I’m on holiday, camping in the rain, and up to now, my few holidays have been busy ones, climbing, walking, city breaks, and I’ve filled my days. Today I’ve tried to do what I am learning to do in my home. To stop and enjoy a ‘doing nothing’ day.

    Yes I’ve walked a short distance,but no rushing for trains , or climbing hills, just a short meander to the village a walk by the river and now just time reflecting on it as I write this, in a tent in the rain.

    In the past I realised that I struggle to slow down, in the last two years I’ve realised quite how much I’m able to slow down.

    Business was my ongoing distraction. Busy work, busy hobbies, busy. It’s no wonder that I’d wait to get ill during Christmas holidays only, when I had the time and my body relaxed. This was the pattern since childhood.

    Learning to slow down

    2 years of being in and feeling like being home.

    Safe

    Rest

    Breathe

    I’m sure I have more healing to do, as more layers are uncovered, as I listen more to my inner child, as I draw, write and play. But for now, a mark to note two years of being able to breathe, and feel new life, growth and change.

    Thank you to all friends and family alike in their support and encouragement to me in these last 2-3 years, and to Christelle whose healing, loving kindness is a joy

  • Dealing with my Noise Addiction: Recovery and Healing (Part 8 )

    There was one addiction I had to cure.

    It wasn’t alcohol, drugs, sex or shopping, it wasnt biting my nails, chocolate or coffee.

    It was NOISE

    I had a Noise addiction.

    Since the tender age of ‘Radio 5 is amazing and I can listen to football matches on it’ about 13, thats what I was addicted to.

    NEWS NOISE

    SPORTS NEWS NOISE

    Radio 5 on, all the time.

    Every match, every Saturday, all the time.

    From age 13 I also did a paper -round, and after a year, the front pages were as interesting as the back ones – so I got into the noise of politics.

    I started to like the NEWS.

    So Radio 5 on all the time. A lot of the time – that is when I wasnt trying to concentrate on studying or passing exams. It kept me sane during the need for complete concentration overload.

    And then 20 years on there was THE BBC NEWS Channel.

    I needed to keep being in the needing to know what’s going on. 2-3 hours at the end of the day, in a loop, same news, then ‘what the papers say’ about the same news, and then what people on twitter say about what the papers say about what the news is about the reaction to the papers on the news and the news about the papers and it goes on.

    Oh and Question time and ‘that programme with Andrew Neil late on a Thursday which I used to think was boring when growing up but then somehow I thought it was interesting and more interesting than the actual news, but was still the news in a slightly sardonic kind of way.

    And talking of sardonic, ‘comedy’ from the age of 14 was also about the the kind of satire on the news, like Have I got news for you with Roy Hattersley replaced by a tub of lard kind of funny and Angus Seaton being terminated because he was the news and then Mock the Week that I thought was funny then I didn’t think was funny but it was news and stuff and noise and NOISE and I needed NOISE to drown out everything and it consumed me.

    And the noise was in the headphones so that I didnt need to feel anything, just hear the noise and be concentrating on the noise, and I would listen to podcasts of people doing funny things with the news and the sport and even the movies, but I wasnt really that into movies but I liked the noise of people who talked about the movies and I got to like movies as a result but it was the noise that was as important.

    NOISE

    TALKING

    THINKING

    BEING AWARE OF EVERYTHING

    also

    I didnt want to watch a movie or a box set, I didnt want my heart to be evoked, amazing as I think about it that the two films I watched in the 3 months to the breakdown and separation were 12 years a slave and The Color purple. But generally, current NOISE was what I needed. Keep focussing on out there…

    And

    Then

    I stopped

    watching

    the

    news.

    I

    Stopped

    the

    Noise.

    I didnt have my own TV – and realised in a safe place, I didnt need the noise.

    I stopped the noise of news

    I stopped even listening

    Safety and retreat meant being able to listen to a different beat.

    My own

    Not what I think and being on a need to constantly think

    I needed to reduce the noise to hear myself

    And now

    The only time I listen to the Radio is when my daughter wants to put it on in the car.

    Unpredictable news noise is out.

    I dont want to know.

    I was addicted to Noise, News noise

    Sport Noise

    Creating boundaries was and is something I need to continually revisit, but to this day, and 2 years almost to the day since I moved into my flat, I am yet to hear a live news broadcast in it, I am yet to pollute the soundwaves of my home with toxic Boris or anyone else.

    I control the noise.

    I decide how I consume the ‘news’ if at all.

    And yes I am on social media…but that doesn’t have the same visceral reaction as on a screen

    I still decide. I am not leaving a gaping hole in a boundary in which the news can filter in, whether true or propaganda, it doesnt have a place.

    And what have I replaced it with? Well, Music of course. Just music, life giving, artistry, creativity, the prophetic and poetic, even the mundane and the middle of the road. And sometimes just silence.

    Quiet.

    Noise

    The distant seagulls and the birds in the trees.

    Maybe the noise of news and comedy was a very good crutch that I needed, and im grateful for it….but part of what I needed to do to heal, was change the rhythm completely, and I really haven’t gone back. Do I miss the BBC? nope.