On two separate occasions when I was disclosing to the relevant authorities the abusive behaviour of my mother, I was asked the following question.
‘Why are you doing this now?’
It was 25 years since I had left the family home, and been a terrified abused child. Though her behaviour was still the same even as I had been an adult.
Internal confrontation had occurred previously to absolutely no effect. But then it wasn’t going to, I now know. So the damage continued.
‘So… Why now? ‘
Because that really is the question isnt it.
I was a Middle Aged man, making a complaint about stuff that had happened a while ago, and where the behaviour still continued.
Yet.
The now happened at a time when…..
I had done the very beginnings of understanding the behaviour.
I had done at that point the beginnings of some therapy on my childhood… this action of mine exacerbated it ( I stood up to her, my therapist said)
I knew I wasnt alone in this.
I thought (incorrectly) that someone might believe me.
I was a little bit stronger than I was as a child.
I even thought (incorrectly) that the processes of safeguarding might be strong enough to not be manipulated. ( yeah I was wrong about that too)
I wanted to protect others. That was it.
Stronger in myself, wanted to protect others.
It was time to let others know about the monster.
…and there had been at least one recent moment where abusive action had occurred, in the present.
Because.
It’s strange that there seems to be some weird primacy of someone being able to report abuse at the time.
I know how terrifying it is to make a complaint against someone who is abusive, manipulating, callous and dangerous.
I know that, though people had faced up to them in the past, nothing was done.
I know that there was absolutely no way of doing it in the midst, the only recourse is to walk away, run away, hide, isolate.
I know that there is bewilderment in the moment, confusion and shame. Thats what abuse is folks. ALL OF IT HAS EMOTIONAL ABUSE in it. The vulnerable self blame and feel small, as the powerful person damages and controls.
WHY NOW…
BECAUSE THEY CANT THEN. THATS THE POINT.
WHY NOW?
I was asked.
I shouldn’t have been asked.
It’s completely irrelevant.
It was the bravest thing I have ever done in my entire life.
Yet someone in a procedural document considered ‘ why now?’ to be the most appropriate question.
I hate Doctors surgeries, hospitals, and pretty much anything medical.
It’s for a number of reasons.
One being that I was told off for being ‘silly’ for the times I ended up hospital and wasting ‘certain’ peoples time, it wasn’t my fault that I didnt know what debilitating cramp was like aged 14 and I was red lighted to hospital for torn muscle, there were other occasions as a child too…
Watching medical TV was horrible, especially Casualty and Holby city.
There are probably other reasons too.
Oh, yeah, like the times that ive fainted in a hospital.
YES I FAINT IN HOSPITALS. AND GUYS I KNOW IM NOT THE ONLY ONE.
Bet im not the only one reading this who hasnt…
So.
Yesterday I had to put my big brave boy pants on and make a call to the GP.
My chest felt uncomfortable. Pain in breathing.
It had been going for a few days, and I didnt want to put it off.
What I realise, that all this talk of self-love and care, isnt just for emotional health, its for physical health.
And what I am beginning to realise this year, is that all these challenges, physical and emotional, are opportunities for me to love myself into being a better healthier person (specific piece on this another time)
So, like a brave little boy, I had a teary moment after the lovely GP receptionist booked me an appointment. And I said to myself ‘Its ok James, you will be looked after, they will care, you are not silly for making this call, you are brave and loved’
After the GP, they sent me to A and E for more scans and tests.
And I was looked after.
And I had some lovely beautiful conversations with nurses and doctors throughout the day
They saw that I was smiling and relaxed, and thought I was ‘refreshingly different’ … I took James version 2024 into the medical world.
And yes I nearly fainted, but lied down quickly enough, just, and a nurse did say that it was usually the big hard men with tattoos that fainted… ‘not the soft sensitive types then’ I responded with ;-)
In the process 3 ECGS later, blood tests and chest Xray, it was confirmed that I torn a chest muscle. But they were wonderful in checking everything to make sure.
Which is sort of what I thought, as I had no worrying symptoms, eating well and as I told them, do meditation, breathing and am very chilled..
I thanked all the nurses as I left, they wished me well, I was praised for my empathetic bedside manner, as a patient…
In the process I had a good check over, with all those tests, and so, aged 46 im in a good bill of health, through 5 years of considerable emotional processing and life circumstances, which is definatly something good to know.
I walked out of the A and E ward, thankful for the brilliant NHS, and proud of me for being brave, for obeying my body when it was telling me something was wrong, and pleased that although the doctors stole some blood (and painfully so) they didnt steal my well being and joy, in fact it was confirmation of a relief and also much more besides.
So guys, I tell you this story about my day yesterday, because, we can be shit at doing this. I imagine we’ve been told we’re soft or silly for going to the doctors, or being weak for doing so.
I tell you also as my Grandad was too proud to go to the doctors and died in the GP car park when he’d hidden that something that wrong for years, please dont be like this, please give others more respect and care for yourself.
Our bodies are important guys, let’s love and look after them, more than we love our football teams or books or intelligence.
Let’s get ourselves checked out, because we are important, and that includes our bodies.
Can I speak for all Men? Probably not, so If you are a man and reading this then forgive me that I might be saying something that doesn’t apply to you. If you’re not reading this, then chances are you might not want to face the subject of ‘Self -Care’ , or that you dont want to read this particular blog, but ill be confident of one thing. One, or more of theses reasons will apply to you, cause you to wince in recognition, or cause a reaction, that may be defensive. Maybe you are a partner, sister or brother of a particular Man, and you can identify some of these. If you are, then be gentle with him. Facing some of these things is pretty terrifying for the first time, be brave to and hold him gently.
Before I share further. Some of these apply to Women, fully as much as Men. Absolutely. But as a Man im going to just identify some of the ‘Man Issues’ about this.
Because it sounds weak. We’d fix a broken car, and we’d store our car in the garage to look after it, maybe even vacuum and wash it each week/month/year, and take it for a service. Loving something that’s an object, a purchase, a status even seems perfectly acceptable. Self-love feels weak as often we’re not so proud of our bodies, our minds, our previous actions, our attitudes. If it wasn’t ‘Self-love’ and instead it was ‘Power-clean’ ….
Because it means accepting vulnerability. Tending to our needs and self might have to mean realising that we need something, that something in us is in need of attention, there’s a weakness.
Because it might mean accepting defeat. I believed I would be able to survive anything and deal with anything. Stoical survival, keeping going, trapped in a landscape of coercive control, institutional expectation, thinking there was no option, no way out, no alternative, no help, no one else…. at what cost? I wasn’t winning anyway. Self love might mean realising that ‘trying your best’ is enough, and exhaustion and being emotionally drained really isn’t what you are here on earth for. If you want to understand more about trying your best, look it up in the ‘ 4 Agreements’ by Don Miguel Ruiz.
Because it might mean accepting that the person who indentifies it…might be right. Someone else can see what we are going through, someone else in our lives might be telling us to slow down, take a break, stop, do less… Someone else might also be representative of a voice we might not want to listen to. We might have to admit that that voice of our partner, friend or family member might be right. That might take huge courage if we have prided our selves with self sustainability, self dependency, self strength.
Because we spend more time responding to the needs of others, and ignoring our own. Since childhood, I was safe when I tended other peoples needs. When I didnt I was accused of being selfish. These were my deep down reasons. It meant pacifying the monsters. But on other occasions, there were the needs of others in a regular way, such as childrens activities, concerns and issues, colleagues, and with any of us who work in caring roles.. all the people we work with, young people, vulnerable adults, and our colleagues who do so. When we are good at listening to others emotions and needs, we become brilliant listeners, supporters and take on huge amounts of responsibility. … I could also hide my own… for the sake of others… Sometimes id catch myself say ‘Oh Im Ok’ if someone asked. But also, I would avoid being around people who might ask this.
Because it might mean trying to act from our emotions, and articulate them. How many times do I start conversations with ‘I think’ verses ‘I feel’ .. thinking is easy, thinking is about brains, power and intelligence, about success and work.. I think therefore I am…. but actually.. I feel and maybe I become more complete. Starting with ‘I feel’ can take a huge shift.. and this gets me thinking…. sorry,… this gets me noticing and feeling… what words do we have to articulate feelings, that as Men we can use. Buried deep inside us might be the little boy that cried and was told off. The boy who was made to feel embarrassed or ashamed, or The boy who was rewarded for not showing emotion.
Feeling emotions isn’t as scary as you might think it is. It takes bravery and courage though. Feelings are more than just anger. Self-love might require us to understand our emotions and the needs behind them.
I feel angry when………. and I know I need………..
I feel shame when ……….. and as a result I need…..
I feel tired when…….. and I need……….
I feel drained when….. and I need ……..
I feel confused when…….. and I need ………
I feel misunderstood when ……….. and I need……….
I feel ……………….. and I need to love myself by doing …………………
There are other emotions and operating from them is like a brand new language, and our language can help us describe the emotions. It is new.
7. Because we fear what it life might be like operating from emotions … This new language for emotions (Emotional Intelligence by David Coleman might be a good resource to start with) , creates a new world for us. Life is different, for me, its full of colour, as opposed to stony grey. There is nothing to fear about what it inside of us and part of us.
8. Because it’ll mean I have to take myself seriously as a whole being.. and im not used to that.. Im used to being part of the machine of work, part of the ‘rat-race’ , doing, providing, success, achieving. My work, as a youth worker, became as much an identity, a safe place, for me, I could be lost in thought, lost in the next challenge, constantly busy, then adding even more to that, like study, or hobbies, or even, writing… Yet huge parts of me were left undiscovered, hidden, and more often that not I was operating in my own shadows. Self-love, means to love and accept ourselves as the humans we are, frailties, complexities, emotions and all. I am enough, and you are too.
9. Because it hasn’t been safe for us to share or be emotional, when we’ve experiences with our parents, partners or others. (unless frustration at football, or hiding in a dark cinema to cry)
10. Because we believe we can wait. We can wait until we retire, we can wait until tomorrow, we can wait until its too bad, we can wait until its desperate, we can wait… look there’s something else to focus on instead… we can wait.
11. Because it sounds, and feels feminine. Getting in touch with ‘our feminine side’ is often roundly criticised and pilloried in the media, many of the books and resources on self love and awareness are targeted for women or written by them. Many, not all. It’ll mean losing the macho, and attending to the malleable.
12. Because we’re too busy. And business is an addiction. Life being fast keep everything at bay, including our needs and our selves. Even the temptation to be fast runs through everything that could be slow. Bird watching leads to tech competitiveness or getting the perfect shot… walking can end up being an olympic sport… or a hobby to reach the highest, m furthest, newest climb… Slow hobbies in the midst of fast lives can easily become another space for speed, performance and achievement.. and what’s lost… that moment for ourselves again.
13. Because in the drive for perfection – we turned ourselves critical ..on ourselves. Oh how I love being super critical, asking questions, all in the name of reflection…. but look deeper and I know this is a safe place for me. Look deeper still and I can see how being critical of others stems from being critical of myself, beating myself up to try and be something, someone, better, more than I was yesterday. Try caring for yourself and see what that critical inner voice tries to do.. Loving ourselves means letting a different voice lead the way..and critic voice rarely goes away without a fight…
I write these and recognise myself in most if not all of them, to some degree at different points in my life. Unlearning the old habits of self – neglect is an ongoing battle. As I look at the list above, I know there are gaps, this isn’t about perfection…I feel this is something important to talk about and share, I also wonder whether there might be good habits for self-love and care for us men that would be good to share too.. what do you do to remember to love yourself? do put these below
Thank you
If you want to or need to explore these further, do find a trusted friend, a therapist or someone who can help you to validate your needs and feelings and give you a brave safe space to.
There are more resources in the menu above and also links to various mens mental health and abuse organisations too.
James Ballantyne 