What phrases dominated your childhood?
Were there things your parents would say to you?
Hopefully they were good things, pleasant things – like ‘I love you’ every time you left the house, or ‘what kind of fun shall we do today?’ or a regular phrase said by one of them to you.
I hope they were nice things.
Sadly, often its not the case.
What were the words that dominated my childhood?
There was one phrase that was said by many many people.
Because they knew.
They already had experience of her temper
They had already tried to stand up to her
They had already felt the weight of her fury
They had been bullied by her
They didnt want the same for me.
Try not to upset your mother
That would be my Dad on many occasions
You’d better eat your tea when you get home, or you’ll upset your mother
Said my Nanna (RIP) , on the times I had lunch at her house (glorious food) to make sure id be home by tea and suffer the toxic food of the childhood home, served on a plate of eggshells.
Id better make sure all your washing is done, I wouldn’t want to upset your mother
Said my Granny (RIP) – who was utterly terrified of her own daughter, at the end of a week staying at her house. Usually the best week of the year, being sent to her house. The week after wed be given a taste of the ‘real’ world after being ‘spoiled’ by granny…
Dont upset your mother
Try not to upset your mother
Your mother will get upset
Mother upset
She’ll get upset.
Walking on Eggshells
Everyone around
Fearful, frightened.
It wasn’t just family though.
No one could say no to her.
Whole groups of people had to remove her from churches. Not many can say No to her. Or dare too.
One to one they had been terrified, belittled, and shocked by her behaviour.
So they closed their doors.
Everybody knew – but everyone was terrified.
Dont upset _________ now (Insert her name)
Dont upset your mother
You’ll upset your mother
The eggshells being laced around the childhood home. Mine fields of rage waiting to explode.
The trouble was, was that she’d be upset anyway.
Even if I tried to ‘do the thing’ – they’d be something else.
Because full attention and full obedience and expectation was exhausting.
A myriad of unwritten rules that would cause upset if unfollowed.
Sometimes even by trying to do the thing that avoided the upset, there’d be upset because shed detect this over compensation.
Everyone else responsible for her feelings.
There was something else too.
Because my role in the family, to survive, was soother of the upset one, emotional wedges were created when she got upset. Because I was loyal, I realised I began to believe the emotional upset. To a point, when I was 8 or 9, not when I was 15. Her toxic tears of upset created soothing sympathy, to the point where I was, and had no choice but to go along with it.
Going along with it meant going without the things that she got upset by…. and those grudges were maintained for decades. Its probably where I developed a hatred of cats. Thats another story waiting to be told.
Then I began to realise that the things she got upset by weren’t actually right to be upset by. I realised that she was the toxic one, but pretended otherwise. Because…. she wasn’t allowed to be upset…. see where this is going…
This is the reality of a narcissistic parent, a narcissist and violent person who dominates every room and situation. To the point where so many other people around felt all the ripples, had suffered the same.
(resources on becoming aware of narcissistic parents are in the resources section above)
Fear of upsetting and unleashing the fury of the monster.
Another reason why everyone knew.
The phrase that dominated my childhood
The phrase that terrified
The phrase that meant childhood was a survival mode
The phrase that meant that there was no freedom or free space that those eggshells weren’t far away.
The phrase that dominated. Knowing how violent, impulsive, and distressed she becomes, its no wonder.
What kind of behaviour did this fear create? Hiding, pretending, people pleasing….. absolutely…
Constantly on guard. Constantly tempering every sentence, action or reaction.
What am I feeling right now?
Im 44. And the last few weeks layer upon layer of some of the childhood stuff has returned to my present memory, for a number of reasons, one of which is because of doing more work to listen to my inner child and his feelings, one has been that I encountered the phrase in a pertinent context. So, to be honest with you, the last few days I have been working through the past feelings of what this phrase was felt like when I was 6 or 8 or 11, and reliving the memories, the feelings and anxiety – often anxiety suppressed at the time. I guess in a small way this gives you an insight into the effects of childhood abuse and trauma. That memory comes back to infect the present. It is also an opportunity for me to recognise it, to feel it, to attend to myself and to note the spaces of safety, love and support I am currently in.
Part 1 of Everyone knew – and everyone was terrified is here – in that post I recollect how other adults already had knowledge of my mother even from one meeting with her.
James Ballantyne 