Over the last few years, one of the hobbies I have taken up since Covid has been bird watching, and generally enjoying nature more and more. But bird hides, these are fascinating places, and I have a few favourite ones. Yesterday I had a bit of a lucky day, seeing a hobby, greenshank, bittern and an osprey.
‘Theres nothing going on’ is so often a deliciously tempting phrase to set the tone in a bird hide, this translates to ‘Whilst there is a panorama of unpredictability of natural life outside, there isnt an unusual bird today to get excited about’ just the seemingly usual birds. In the tempting demand to make life consistently exciting and full, the chase can be on, to go to the places where the ‘interesting birds are.
Modern life, and modern expressions of faith, often want to fill, rather than keep the empty spaces open, the gap, the pause. We’re frustrated when the ‘gap’ between trains is too long at the station, when theres a gap in the curtains, when there a gap in the TV schedule, church services full of activities in their 90 minutes. Silence feels uncomfortable. Yet…
What would be music without its gaps?
There is inside each of us, a sacred pause, a gap, a space. A place where thoughts are watched like birds in a bird hide, some stick around a bit, others fly past fleetingly, some hover, pounce and leave marks. Yet in that place of watching, there is a gap. A gap, like undrawn curtains where the light is. A gap like an artist sees between objects that give the objects their identity. Inside you and me, the sacred gap accompanies our every waking moment, waiting to be noticed, like the things of the thoughts themselves.
And that sacred pause is where the power is, the joy is, a wonder, mystery, and where love is, its where our consciousness envelops the divine eternal oneness, its where no-thing exists and everything exists all at once.
One of the treasures within each and every one of us is our hearts. You have one, as do I, and yet so often in our day to day lives our hearts, and the desires of them play a silent role in our lives. Advertisers appeal to our minds, our desires , our discontent and our wallets, our thinking is so honed and shaped that its the reason behind entire education systems, create knowledge, and experiences, so that you can work. Religion is not far different, belief is highly attuned to ‘thought’ and less about feeling (in some places feelings are derided or discarded within religion, for the sake of holding beliefs that are about facts) and I’m not deriding the pursuit of depth of knowledge or curiosity – our minds are important…but they are not everything.
But our minds can only do so much, even if our thinking wants to convince us that it can do everything – thats often the role we have given it, thats more our ego than our whole. But our mind knows things, it knows experiences, it knows, it calculates, it thinks, constantly, and that constant thinking, is often why the heart seems to be silent. Yet a life without heart, is a life on the move, an life on constancy, a life reacting to the speed of thought, where each curiously results in action, where layers of life build on each other.
One of the treasures is our hearts. It is where there is pure love, where there are feelings of anger, desire, passion, love, and where the channel opens to the soul , a place that can’t be thought into, it can only be felt, and have soft loving hands open the doorway, to a space of consciousness beyond, a place where there is harmony, security and the soft stillness of the inner love voice.
Where your heart is there will be your treasure. Your life is ‘wholer’ when you can feel, and be grateful for being able to and safe to (Michael Singer, Living Untethered) and yet so often we live a life afraid of, in denial of, or ashamed of feelings, and the experiences in our lives that caused them. Spirituality is the task of loving softness on the parts we’d rather hide. ‘Morality is often the enemy of growth’ writes John O Donohue ( Anam Cara) Morality is thoughts and shame put together, often in institutional cultures and behaviours. Spiritual growth requires deep inner love, requires hearts, requires anger, requires the softness of the love that comes from the depth and mystery of our heart itself.
A heart that holds when life around us breaks into a million pieces. A heart that heals with tears. A heart that responds inside with softness. A heart that loves the world with bliss and connection. A heart that rests and the moment at the end of each breath. A heart that tells you ‘ I love you’, ‘Im proud of you’ , even if your thinking wants to tell you otherwise. Your heart will always be on your side. Your thinking has so often been placed there from other sources.
And when you find your heart, your life will shine with beauty.
And when you find the gift of your heart, it was your heart that found itself all alone. For it is love that carries you in love all along, to find that love that hides under that shadows of shame and pain, and guilt and perfection, until its gift is accepted, and its gentle hands are held, walking hand in hand in love.
Part of the beauty of the act of discovery is the integrity of its desire for wholeness. Your soul will not want to avoid of neglect the regions of your heart that do not fit the expected. When you trust yourself enough to discover and integrate your strangeness, you bestow a gift to yourself.
Rather than annulling a complex part of your heart which would continue to haunt you, you have thrown your arms around yourself to embrace who you are’
Differently from those who want to determine your thoughts.
Differently from those whom you have to please.
Differently from those who have taken it on themselves to be your thought and belief police.
Differently too….. from the very thoughts that cloud your vision of who your thoughts say you are.
Differently too from the programming of those thoughts, and their effects.
You….in your youness…. can choose.
You…. in your youness …..have freedom
You ….in your youness are separate from the thoughts
Pause. Between the stimulus and the response (Victor Frankl)
You can put that pause there.
Right now, you can choose to look out of your window and think about what you see…. whether thats a tree, a building or a cloud.
You have that freedom. The gap is yours. The gap….might be you.
Until that point of knowing… the thoughts that you didnt realise are doing it are shaping you…..yet…..when….then….all of a sudden….. theres a you emerging beyond, before and within thought.
Consciousness spilling into the poignant pause, and you can, truly can….listen to the pause.
Im a youth and community worker by profession, and so, words like ‘community’ have been bantered around for a long time, and trying to understand what they mean, there’s often talk of online community, or groups of people with shared values, purposes, aims or actions.
It was always out there.
‘The Community’
A group of people. An estate.
Theologically, I learned about the community of the Trinity – Father, Son Spirit.. and spent far too long wondering if it was hierarchical or social, upwards or flat.
Yet.
The one community I was negating the treasure of, was the community inside.
For inside, there is a restless community of treasure awaiting your finding, awaiting a safe time to make itself known, awaiting space to show itself in its energy, colour and brilliance.
Neglected inner energy, thats been held back for so long, energy that comes from the heart, the soul and the mind.
The Community within, with its parts, with its roles and jobs, with its functions.
An inner community that awakens to the wonders, and curiosity of the childlikeness, seeks peace and stillness
An inner community that seeks love, harmony and joy, and radiates them all too.
An inner community that lets us know when its out of sync or out of kilter, when it’s fractured and disconnected, when it is not ok, and you’re not.
An inner community whose communication to you is always love, always care, always for you – even to protect when it doesn’t need to, its still protecting.
So, pause for a moment, and turn your gaze, your breath and your mind inwards and say hello to that inner community, the inner life, your inner reality.
As I stood and looked at this scene just before Christmas, the thing I noticed was the gaps.
Gaps.
Intentional spaces between a barrier, or border, space left open.
A navigation tool, and opening to see from distance to walk towards.
To follow.
To trust.
To know that you are on a path (though might not always be the right one ;-) )
And at the start of the new year, the year starts with the gap of opportunity. The gap of unlived promise, desires to be awakened, space to be filled.
Yet…
What, if I’m honest, do I struggle with most?
Often it’s the gap between expectation and reality, the expectations in my thoughts, and the reality of the experiences, what actually is happening, or going to and being unable to have open acceptance. Too little a gap between them, to much mind going on in the swirl of the every experience.
Or the noise in my mind when I think I’m in trouble, or upset someone , or not done enough, or guilt about any of these things and the filling of the space happens….yet….
Or even deciding to make that gap, because it’s sometimes so much more comfortable to fill it, even when that inner discomfort is saying otherwise. Because, I can decide, I have more power than I realise.
What space might we make for the gap, that space between things and no-things.
To sense and make a space between expectations and realities, and not feel disappointment, but to notice that what is as a gift.
The gap is open, it is air.
It may be time to breathe in the gap.
To make space to dwell in presence, and not productivity.
The Slow time of betweenness where silence calls its disturbing, and also peaceful voice.
Space for Space itself
The invitational promise of the gap
That focussed the mind on consciousness itself
To wonder
To be
To imagine
The gap between thought and feeling
Between longing and belonging
Where we find God, being, freedom or Love
Where we sense that mystical indescribable something, close.
Just there.
Always.
Like the empty pages of this years diary, or the gaps between the notes in a music score.
Notice.
The Gap.
And, let the Gap call you forward.
Take your time this year.
Move slowly.
And decide to go there.
To give that energy inwards
And let it find you.
Because it’s there.
And there may you be embraced by peace.
Time, to be, time to sit,
stay there…as long as you can dwell.
This has been inspired by my current reading which is ‘Living Untethered’ by Michael A Singer, his previous book ‘The Untethered Soul’ is one I highly recommend, on seeing, feeling and noticing the mind, and how to live in personal freedom.
It’s been a while since I’ve been here, sharing with you, and that’s been because I’ve been just doing life in a beautiful way, and being present, and also writing my book. However over the last few weeks I’ve noticed that there’s been more emerging words wanting to come out as I’m in a new phase of life and creativity.
Here’s the first one, a poem on being courageous to listen to our own soft heart.
More to follow…
Comments welcome…
And thank you x
Much love to you, and may the universe share its blessings with you today
James Ballantyne 