James Ballantyne

Tag: consciousness

  • Realising; I am not my mind (but try telling my thoughts that!)

    I am really so so very grateful for my mind.

    Like extremely so.

    It’s a place of learning, a place of processing, a place of interpreting, a place to understand.

    It has also been my place of safety, or maybe more so my place of escape to.

    When emotions and feelings were unsafe, and love was absent, I could hide in my mind.

    Read books. Study. Play maths games. Keep thinking.

    And when I was cold, use my mind as a superpower to block the pain.

    And when I was about to be hurt, use my mind to numb the pain.

    Mind was a shield.

    I gave my mind too much to do…. yet actually it was a survival mechanism. I could get through things, because I didnt need to feel them, just think.

    Yet there’s also social conditioning, the mind has value, in academia, and religious life – learn, reflect, be curious…and I could just keep going, one more book to buy, one more hobby to try, one more thing to learn.

    Keep the mind busy, keep the time occupied, keep the demons at bay…

    And I sit here writing this in the local Waterstones cafe… a place of learning has been a safe place for me.

    And there’s words here too aren’t there.

    You are reading them.

    And I am thinking about what I might write next.

    Because I was afraid.

    I was afraid of what would happen….. if for the first time in 40 odd years I would stop thinking, or at least there be a gap in thoughts…

    My mind as a place of survival could only do so much of a job. It was incessant.

    But overthinking felt normal, overthinking to find strategies to reduce pain, soothe, to please, to soften the blows, or numb them.

    So I would negate anything that tried to interrupt this, dont give me the promise of silence, solitude, meditation or even quietly colouring in something, or even space to have someone ask me difficult questions. My mind couldn’t allow this. It was afraid of not being in charge. It was afraid of what it might expose.

    My mind wasnt negative or destructive, it was just doing its job in the way it had subconsciously been asked to do, and beyond its skill set.

    And there was no distinction for me, between my I and my mind.

    Spiritually/ Religiously I gave my mind a ‘gets off scot free’ card – because my heart usually got the blame, as did the self. There’s something else here too, my mind accepted the reality that what was inside me was too shameful to expose, the hurt and pain too great. Accepted because it had tried many moral ways of dealing with it, all failed, and the cycle of shame and self loathing continued.

    But also, my minds job was to numb, distract, run, avoid the pain, and protect myself. And it did a good job.

    It wasnt equipped to love. And its love that heals.

    As I began, forcibly, to start a journey inwards, my mind took on a new task. To learn about myself as if I am my own new hobby or project, as well as learn about the behaviours that I had been exposed to.

    This.. very accurate…

    So that library of self help books, from Enneagram, to Narcissism, to Spirituality, got bigger and bigger, as I understand myself though a number of thought lenses. All extremely useful.

    But it wasnt thinking that would heal.

    It wasnt thinking my feelings, or understanding myself that would heal.

    Ugh.

    I actually had to the exercises in the books, I had to participate in them. I had to feel.

    I look now and see quite how much i had given my mind to do, I was a disconnected, disintegrated body, with an overactive mind, with all the voices of protection, fear, self criticism, perfection.

    Healing my mind, required safety.

    Healing my mind, required love

    Healing my mind, required heart…and heart to be safe

    Healing my mind, meant seeing it and realising that I am not it

    Healing my mind, meant listening to it, loving it, carefully, gently…

    Being compassionate on my self critical, self loathing, self soothing parts, scared self..in my mind… and start to not believe these, even if they had been protecting me.

    Yet it can easily still want to take charge in situations, easily take me into its formerly welcome gaze, sometimes those thoughts come back, further opportunities to love them, and the wounded parts they stem from.

    One of the parts of my inner journey and healing has been to allow my mind to relax and know it doesn’t have to be responsible for everything in my psyche, that I have heart, soul, feelings, that there is space and consciousness. It’s a slow revealing, it’s a daily remembrance.

    My inner journey has been inside, beyond the cage of my mind, and letting the colours of the heart, and the soul to ignite, cleanse and transform.

    The realisation that I am not my mind, and am trying to keep telling my thoughts that…

  • From Denial to Love: My Body Transformation

    Transformation is through the body, not away from it (Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now)

    I think I read ‘The Power of Now’ about 3 years ago, im not sure if there’s been a month since when I haven’t gone back to it and given it a read as something has taken me back to it.

    There is much in it, and many have written on it before, so this is in no way a review. But, the part of the book for me that felt the most uncomfortable when I read it the first time, and I guess then the most challenging, was the section on the Body. In particular about the Body and Spirituality.

    The quotation above is in a section in which Tolle describes how the body was ‘left behind’ in aspects of western spirituality (in favour of the mind) and how this fragmentation can be repaired, and without it, that transformation, from the inside out, is impossible.

    My timings might be off, but when I read those words 3-4 years ago, I knew I had started in myself the tiny steps of repairing the inner disconnect.

    Part of this was to distance myself from the religious language and practices I had inherited that aided the separation (written about here in part 1 of this series on loving our bodies).

    Part of this had been in tiny steps to recognise the worth and value of my own body in maybe tiny physical ways; at that point I was valuing myself with nice clothes, enjoying the feel of baths to relax in, using Nivea moisturiser, eating better and healthier and at least valuing my body more than I had done previously.

    Part of this too, I think was that I had begun or about to do Trauma Therapy, which in every session I was able to sense coherence, in some emotional ways, inner re-wirings, which meant tiny shards of feeling settled on the inside in a way not before.

    The journey of body connection had begun, in tiny steps.

    And so, as I read The Power of Now at that time, it felt reassuringly natural, yet also uncomfortable and aspiring, to think, to feel or get a sense of renewal through the body. For I also knew then I still had a lot of work to do.

    My tendency as I said above was to disconnect from my body (with all the religious permission to do so) and blame it, enact pain on it and self soothe it in a number of harmful ways.

    So to talk about Spirituality through the body, when my body didnt feel emotionally safe, strong, peaceful.. when it didnt feel at ‘home’ in itself, still felt a long way away – yet, at the same time, having tried to do religiosity through the mind, I also knew/felt something had been lacking.

    It was like trying to have a faith life with the ‘self’ quadrant (of the four quadrants, self, God, community, creation) on just the beginning of bringing itself to the James spiritual life party. I mean it was better than it was, but it was just starting..

    The search for meaning and truth for me had been in external things, to the extent of neglecting, denying and damaging my body sometimes in the search for and of them, when I saw this in the Power of Now, I realised to what extent.

    But this felt real at the time ( underlined then)

    Through the inner body, you are inseparably connected to this unmanifested One life- birthless, deathless, eternally present. Through the inner body you are forever one with God

    (Eckhart Tolle)

    The other source for me of awakening the spiritual within has been John O Donahue, today I read and read the section in which this part is in:

    We should avoid the false dualism that separates the should from the body. The soul is not simply within the body hidden somewhere within its recesses. The truth is a the converse. Your body is in the soul, and the soul suffices you completely.

    (John O Donohue, Anam Cara)

    In a kind of beautiful way, I am finding it much much more difficult to share where I am today in all of this, than where I was three years ago, in that three years, a lot has happened, both dealing with external, but even more so, two lots of therapy later, the internal.

    For the first time in my entire life, this year, I have felt completely at home in my own body, like feeling stillness, sureness and confidence, as if, through all the work I know I have done, and with brilliant professional help, there’s safety within.

    Not the removal of emotions, like the moment of anxiety, or unsettlement, these have happened, they’re going to. It has neither been the continual sense of transcendence I might add, but more so, the safety to sense and feel, to feel myself as someone of value and immensity, to also sense my own mystery and depths, as well as feeling open and large hearted, like joy and wonder and love are constant companions, not bolts of lightening out of the blue.

    Like I am a whole being. Whole.

    Transformation has been through the body, and that process has been the slow reconnection, of my mind to accept my body, my heart to love my body, for me, to be, and realise myself as within, and not just thoughts or emotions, but me, conscious me inside.

    Is that my soul or my heart? does it even matter, either way, my experience this year, all year has been about becoming day by day more aware, more content, more at home, to sense more love, and peace, more joyous even, and be more open, on the inside.

    I wouldn’t have thought that possible 3 years ago. it was beyond comprehension 6 years ago.

    So today.

    I woke feeling still, and loved, and held, and content, like almost every day this year. I realised I had no plans for the next three days of a bank holiday weekend (I worked yesterday I’ll have Tuesday off too), and so I thought to myself, I would just be.

    So I made an intention to just tend to and enjoy the sense of peace in my body, for the outside; i cut my hair, did a facial scrub, shaved and showered, all deliberately and slowly, and then gave myself permission just to feel alive in my body by just wearing shorts for an hour, in my flat, to just feel on the external the same sense of alive and peace on the inside. To sense my body with utterly no shame. And like much of this year, feel utterly alive.

    I then picked up both books mentioned above, and have spent today, at home or at my favourite cafe in town, reading, feeling and noticing how different I feel now about my body on the outside, and about my emotional, heartful, safe inner body, and just in the peace of the cafe or home, breathed, sensed and felt renewed in the sense of deep connection within my own body. I feel utterly at peace and still in this moment of realisation, affirmation, bliss even, it feels, I feel wonderful.

    I dont really have to write about this at all, I get that, but even this has been a deep experience to try and write in black and white this tiny part of my spiritual, physical and emotional journey, and that transformation really has been through and not despite or outside of my body.

    This is the beginning of the realisation of oneness, which is love. At the deepest level of being, you are one with all that is (Eckhart Tolle)

    The Spiritual self was inside me all along, love was inside me all along, soul was inside me all along, I was inside all along…

  • Who’s telling who?

    Who is it speaking?

    And who is it listening?

    Who is it hearing?

    and who is communicating?

    What happens when

    ‘I tell myself’

    Who is the I, and who is the myself and who is the one that sees this happen?

    Who is the I that thinks, who is the I and who is the my (self)?

    Am I the ‘me’ who tells?

    Am I the ‘me’ who listens?

    Who am I telling?

    Is my head, telling my heart, or vice versa?

    Who am I, beyond the telling and listening?

    Something beyond…

    Something beyond…

    And if that is me, what can it hear anyway?

    Does the soul have ears?

    So if I tell my-self that I am enough, or that I am amazing

    or beat myself up – who is doing the beating?

    Who is telling who?

    or I set myself goals?

    Who am I then?

    Because if neither is me, what might this mean?

    Who are the voices?

    and…why do I listen to them?

    So much sound, inside my head, is that where it is?

    Sounds, unreal, telling me the story, making sense, but sense to who?

    I speak, to myself, therefore I am?

    I hear, myself, therefore I am?

    or, I am which watches, which is mystically beyond the voice?

    Who is it speaking, when I tell myself?

    Do I know?

    Do I know the listener, the speaker or the silent one that watches?

  • The Long Road of Recovering.

    The Long Road of Recovering.

    Yesterday I wrote a piece about how it was 4 years since I picked up my first self help book, when I realised that the damaging effect of, and types of narcissistic behaviour that had dominated my life, that piece is here:

    My Healing started the day I realised the narcissism of my mother

    4 Year ago the same month was also my first session with a therapist, and even deciding to do therapy felt like a deep personal shift in loving myself

    The thing I realised to is that its been 4 years.

    If I’m honest with myself, I kind of knew that the process of recovering from the childhood experiences, the abusiveness of my principle care giver (to give a more technical term), it was going to take significant time. It’ll be one reason why it took me having to hit rock bottom, and also have safe emotional space to start to deal with it.

    Though part of me might have wanted a quick -fix, there was and is no such thing.

    4 years, and the road still continues.

    I wouldnt say that even at this point that ‘I have dealt’ with everything.

    Im just walking. Sometimes slowly. Sometimes sitting on a bench. Sometimes taking a risk and putting my feet in the water. Sometimes letting the metaphorical emotions, memories, dreams and moments be felt on my face, like the wind. Sometimes feel like I’m walking and getting lost or stuck, and in those moments there’s been many tools, and guides along the way, encouaragers and supporters. Revisits to therapy. Reminders of what I knew. Reminders even that in tiring and stressful moments, I’m likely to forget what I knew.

    I still need to remember to breathe. I mean Im not going to be able to walk very far without breathing. But even that basic thing, I can easily forget.

    I still need to remind myself not to avoid feeling feelings – like getting a stone in my shoe on a hike, feel, notice, and respond.

    I still need to remind myself of my own strength, and to be kind on myself – getting lost on a walk might be an adventure in disguise.

    I still need to remind myself to notice the beauty moments along the way. The equivalent of the wild flowers or tiny insects on walk

    as well as some of the larger moments, that seem like clouds shifting and light pouring in. Storms on a walk dont seem fun, but they can shift the air around. With no storms there’s no rainbow.

    I still need be reminded of the universe. The universe that speaks in the loud storm or the colourful rainbow, the tiny insect of the rumbling waters over the weir. To be reminded to listen, and to hear in that moment, to sense, to feel, to appreciate.

    Its a long road.

    Ive had times when I thought, ‘yeah’ I’m sorted now. But then I get the ‘opportunity’ to face something else, to notice something in my shadow, to sense grief, or realise where I had stopped listening. Complacency doesn’t seem to be appropriate on this walk.

    Its a long road and its one step at a time.

    Its a long road, but at least I can sense myself on the road.

    Im not just watching the road, or watching others on the road.

    But sensing that I am on the road. The long road of life

    That I am on.

    I am making it happen. I am walking. One slow step at a time.

    Life on the road.

    Lord I dont know where I’m going, but I am walking.

    One conscious present moment at time.

    The long road – the long road of life,

    The long road – of being conscious me in the moment of each step.

    Learning and Feeling along the way.

    Points of gratitude. Moments of the guiding Universe.

    Tools laid by others, picked up to aid me.

    Reminding myself that I cannot be rushed.

    Step by Step, Moment by Moment.

    Walking, not rushing the long road of recovering.

  • The Greatest Challenge

    Have you worked out the Greatest Challenge in Life yet?

    The easiest thing, is to be doing something. To be continually doing something. To be planning to be doing something is still doing something.

    To be doing.

    Last week I got over 40 ‘likes’ on a facebook post about something I had been ‘doing’ – 3 days of safeguarding training with the Methodist Church btw.

    Doing something.

    It may be physically impossible to ‘do nothing’ for an hour – our bodies have to breathe, our senses listen to the sounds from outside, or music playing, but what if being was valued more that doing?

    What happens if you try and sit and ‘be’? What creeps in? – A task, a worry, a thought? A distraction – the voice that says ‘ you should be doing something’ ‘ dont be lazy’ ..its always a critical voice – and what I do when I hear that voice – sometimes give in, sometimes try and distract from that voice…by doing something… ugh, and so it continues.

    And there’s no option for this when in the moment of survival in abuse, the mind is utterly active, and my body just wants to be active to compensate. Thats why I anxiety clean. Its why I needed EMDR to rewrite my brain, so I could sit.

    But- back to this moment.

    Here,

    Now:

    Sitting still, just for a moment.

    The greatest challenge.

    It takes a fight to sit and just be.

    It takes courage to be.

    To sit and breathe.

    To listen.

    Not just to the externals of some music or the sounds from outside- that are tempting to go and see

    But listen to the noise of my internal breath

    Listen to the sound, of quiet, of silence

    And notice myself.

    Just being.

    How good are you at being? How are you in your being today?

    What if I ‘just’ sit and be? and its not even just sitting, that makes it out to be something secondary, what if ‘being’ was valued and important, what if being me, being you was the ‘most’ important thing. What if it wasn’t a luxury to have a moments peace and quiet, but something valued, and treasured by all, and encouraged in each other. I could easily do a million and one other things, but the most important and difficult thing.

    Just to be.

    Realising the life in every breath. In every moment.

    Giving your self time. Time for yourself.

    Its not about getting off one rat race and finding another, but noticing the being inside. Bringing awareness to your very soul, and being, and heart. Its you that matters.

    So just sit. And be.

    Be with yourself for a while. Sense the life within. Sense you.

    References

    Gary Zukav – The Seat of the Soul

    Eckhart Tolle – The Power of Now/ A New Earth.

  • Why you are more than Enough

    Hey there

    Yes you.

    The beautiful human thats reading this

    One of my readers.

    Thank you.

    Just thank you, not

    for reading this, or liking it

    not for what you’ve done.

    But just for being you.

    Thank you

    You are enough

    The World is a more beautiful place with you in it.

    You, yes you.

    So, thank you.

    Even if you don’t believe it, yet.

    It is true.

    But what about you, I wanted to have a chat with you

    Yes, you, you could be my beautiful fiancé in San Diego, the folks in Ireland who read my blogs first (usually), my readers in the UK, Canada or the Philippines. You could be my family, my friends or anyone…

    It doesn’t matter.

    Its you thats reading this right now, and I want to speak to you.

    Yes you

    I have something to ask you

    Are you ready to listen?

    I mean, really ready?

    I mean, turn off the TV, sit for a moment and prepare yourself listen?

    Dont be scared now, honestly

    You might think I’m crazy to ask you this, but thats just the thing, crazy is just the thing that is abnormal, and normal is crazier than we’d like to realise, thats another story.

    I hope you’re not scrolling quickly, to get to what it is I wanted to ask you,

    you’re taking your time.

    Time.

    Whats time anyway? And no thats not the question, its another tangent… but have you ever thought about time, and how weird it is? To think that that time is on a clock, but memories , thinking, actions and words, seem to exist in a past, present, future dimensions that all get mixed up and thats not on a clock is it, it’s just the now. The now.

    Im writing this in the now. Right now. But your now is now and my now that was now is past now, but you might share this and your now will one day be in the past now, but that thing about time – you thinking about in the future and it’ll come ‘back’ to you, but in the future. It’s to be discovered, but not ‘back’ – maybe ‘back’ is in the future after all. By the time I clicked publish, my now has already gone.

    Sorry, I got distracted with the whole time thing.

    On the subject of sorry. I realise that I forget you sometimes. You, the reader. If I was writing a book, id think I was writing for you, the reader a bit more, id talk to you, with you, and not ‘at you’ or use you like a cat uses a scratching post. Im itching and I write at times like I need you to be a collective therapist, or I want to write so that one day, one person might be helped by something I might say. But I’ve got to be honest, more often than not, its a splurge of mixed up emotional dumping. So, im sorry. Sometimes I do this, the crap dumping, so im sorry about that, I dont treat you very well at times, they say respect your readers, and often I dont even give you a thought. This is a blog not a book – and you haven’t paid £12 for this, but I would understand if you didn’t want to waste 20 mins of your time listening to me process the crap from my childhood, or something I read in another self help book, more keep being added to the resources list above, by the way, discovering myself is feeling like a life work.

    Discovering myself.

    Becoming aware, of who I am.

    Thats the question my friend.

    Who are you?

    Three words, three small words.

    Who

    are

    you?

    Stop and think about it a while

    Pause

    No really, who are you?

    Fellow human, Who is it that you are?

    I just wanted to ask you, as I am asking myself, Who am I?

    I used to ‘think’ that I could think myself into the answer.

    I am good at____ or clever at____, or think of myself in relation to others, I am a fiancé, Dad, friend… or I am a youth worker, I am in relation to a profession, or even a faith, I am a Christian.. …and some of these are still true.

    I could ‘think’ myself into an answer…

    Deep down – who am I? in myself?

    Me, myself and I

    Who am I when I notice myself?

    When I realise that there is a part of me thinking – but that part of me is able to notice who is the thinking?

    That there is space between the thoughts?

    Can I muster just one little space in amongst all the millions of thoughts every day and every moment, but what if I did, give myself time to notice my thoughts?

    Give myself time to notice my thoughts..

    hang on

    who is me, and who is my thoughts?

    is there two of us here?

    A thinker and a watcher? really?

    So who am I really? – Who are you?

    The thinker or the watcher?

    The dream or the dreamer?

    If I am the watcher of the thinker of my thoughts – then..who is the watcher? Who am I

    And..I am not just thoughts, my brain is not just thinking

    It…can… stop…

    Who am I then? Who are you?

    Did you notice… you?

    Who are you then?

    More beautiful that our thinking, perhaps

    Ive got a surprise for you.

    Its time.

    Its time, that now, you notice.

    That space between your thoughts is not to be afraid of, because thats you.

    Part of you waiting to be discovered, your consciousness waiting.

    A gap of no thinking, where joy can be.

    What did it feel like for you?

    Thats you.

    Did you feel it?

    You are that joy.

    It is there, in a gap.

    It is in a gap of you.

    WOW. Isnt that incredible?

    You are Joy.

    It was hiding all along.

    Did you smile when you felt it?

    Im smiling as I realised it too. Im smiling as I realise that one day you might read this and feel the same. Im smiling as you’ve received a gift of joy, a gift from the universe.

    I didnt think you’d mind, knowing this…actually feeling this.

    Free joy. Free space

    Thats all, I just wanted to talk to you, and ask you something, and on the way I discovered things too, and maybe you did too. You are a beautiful human being and the world is a better place because you are in it, you are more than enough, especially if you think otherwise, because..those thoughts are just thoughts…between them, is consciousness radiating with joy – and thats you.

    If you smiled, might someone else?

    James

  • Sensing the Mystery of Being Alive

    Sensing the Mystery of Being Alive

    I got up early this morning, waking up early

    After I showered, and said good morning to my love Christelle and read her to sleep

    I sat on the couch, and started to read a book – the same book – but a bit further on

    A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.

    The view from my couch was a bit like this

    Looking out the windows, above the eye of the book

    Turning the page, in between sips of coffee

    I see movement in the corner of my eye

    A fledging blue tit on the arc of a branch

    Looking at me

    I looking at it

    I didnt rush to get a camera or binoculars

    Just stopped, and watched

    and looked at it

    Looked at it, for what it is

    A bird.

    Two Blue tits (Taken at Cowpen Bewley Woodland Park February 2022)

    Just a very ordinary bird

    But as I looked

    It wasn’t just a blue bird, a small bird, a young bird

    It was a joint traveller in this world

    Sharing the universe with me

    A creature of magic flight

    A fearless wonder

    Taking a moment on a branch

    To look me in the eye

    To feel the same mystery

    of life

    of air

    of flight

    A part of me, and part of it, one in the same universe

    Sense of being in the moment

    Sacred, pure creature, looking at me

    What does it take to notice?

    What does it take to sense being?

    Time to look up

    Time to see

    Time to breathe in and wonder

    To sense the mystery of the universe

    The magic of being,

    of being…Alive.

  • The Elusive Gap

    Something to do, somewhere to go, something to worry about, something now, something then, something tomorrow, something near, something far away, something someone else said, did, or didn’t do, something, there’s always something

    Something to feel guilty about, something to feel concern about, someone to please, someone to be responsible for, something to react to, something…..

    There’s always something

    Something to read, something to tidy, something to give, something to buy, something to see, something to be addicted to, something to plan, something to make, something

    There’s always something

    Something crowding in, something taking away the space of being

    Something there to soothe the thing that’s a worry

    Something stressful to focus on instead of the actual thing that needs dealing with

    A pressure, a twist, a turn, a plan, a dream, an ambition..

    Something…

    What if there was a gap in the something, the elusive gap

    A gap in the cultural programming

    A gap in the emotional state

    A gap in the responsibility

    A gap that you and I make

    A gap to breathe, slow

    A gap to notice the pace of the things and decide not to be on that pace

    A gap in which the inner voice can be heard

    A gap in the moment, a gap in the mind

    A gap to notice that you notice the inner voice, and that this is not you, just your voice

    A gap to listen

    A gap to feel the present moment

    The present you

    Where no thing else matters but you, inner you

    Human you, conscious you, alive you

    Can you hear the gap calling?

    The voice from the deep, screaming, making itself known to you, wanting space

    Wanting the gap

    The gap between, the Elusive gap

    Thats the power you and I have

    The power of the now moment

    The time is now, yes now.

    A brilliant resource on this, on becoming more aware of your consciousness is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, Im also just reading his follow up – A New Earth.

  • Making Choices or Making Mistakes?

    I made the choice to stay in bed the extra two hours this morning

    Then when I woke up I chose to have a shower

    I chose coffee over tea

    then cereal over toast, id have loved blueberries on it, but didnt have any (I couldn’t make that choice)

    I chose to sit on the couch and watch the birds as I ate, instead of at the table

    and now I chose to write about it

    I chose all of these things, they were choices I made

    I chose also to get up and not dwell and let the challenges of yesterday take over

    I chose to respond by getting up

    I chose. They were my decisions.

    Ive just got back from a two week visit to the South west of the USA, to spend Christmas with my now fiancé Christelle, and it was lovely to be away, away from job hunting, away from family drama and away.

    There was something that I noticed at the very beginning of the time that I was there. Something I hadn’t never noticed before, from being in other countries, Spain, Greece or Tunisia.

    Crossing roads was weird.

    Now I get the ‘driving on the other side of the road’ thing – that makes sense. That was easy.

    What was odd and disorientating was that responsibilities and choices were different.

    As I made intentions clear..(a choice) I didnt know what was expected of me – what the custom was – who had the right of way, who would look if they were in a car, and when a car might wait for me that I wasnt used to.

    What I could chose and what I had responsibility for was blurred. It was my responsibility to look and pay attention, to learn the customs and not expect all the 5m drivers in San Diego to obey my road crossing rules. It was my responsibility to keep myself safe, and also keep Christelle safe too.

    Choice and responsibility is changing on the UK roads too, and it was the circulation of this diagram on social media that provoked this piece

    The choices that are made now have different legal and physical consequences.

    When I look back on my own life I can note the times when I have tried to cover up, our excuse the actual choices I made, in such ways as

    ‘I made a mistake’

    or ‘The devil made me do it’ (when I was in a=n evangelical/charismatic phase)

    ‘that was a trauma reaction’ or

    ‘I didnt mean to do it’ (maybe followed by..)

    ‘Im only human…’

    ‘Im not as perfect as you think I am’

    Its easier to hold someone else or something else responsible for your pain that to take responsibility for ending your own victimhood

    Edith Eğer, The Choice

    Trying to excuse, minimalise, convince the person I’ve hurt, or myself, that it wasnt me acting with responsibility in that moment. When the truth of the matter is, I made a choice. I cant say that I make a choice to have coffee at £3 in Starbucks every morning and then say ‘I made a mistake’ when I ran out of money, or I cant say that I make choices every day in my workplace, but only mistakes when abusing other people at parties. (though lets not confuse the issue further with the choices people make at work-parties, and their excuses afterwards)

    Gary Zukav says this:

    Each Choice that you make is a choice of intention. You may choose to remain silent in a particular situation, for example, and that action may serve the intention of penalising, sharing compassion, extracting vengeance, showing patience or loving. You may choose to speak forcefully, and that action may serve any of the same intentions.

    Zukav (The Seat of the Soul)

    He goes on to say that the splintered personality has many parts, each surfacing to fulfil the needs of the ego and what satisfies them. Eckhart Tolle writes:

    If you had a choice, or realised that you do have a choice, would you choose suffering or joy, ease or non ease, peace or conflict? Would you choose a thought or feeling that cuts you off from your natural state of wellbeing, the joy of life within?

    Tolle (The Power of Now)

    When do I ‘take responsibility for choices’ or assign myself to the ‘poor me mistake maker’? – What positions to I take power in, what ones do I feel powerless in?

    If its a choice- then I have to take responsibility for it – and not blame it away….facing that thought might be the most terrifying for all of us.

    What consciousness (as Tolle would say) do I need to bring into situations so that I can see the light of what I do, as a choice , and make powerful choices even more?

    Is there something different in the way we (Men) see the world – choices and responsibilities – than Women? Or given the greater awareness of abusive women in society than previously – is it something else? (just thinking out loud) Men are less likely to think about the consequences? – and this determines choice making?

    Whether it affects it or not, We make choices. We can make good choices, to love, heal and joy – or we can make choices to hurt, confuse, damage and abuse. We can choose to love ourselves, and our world – or take from it and destroy. We can choose how we respond to oppression of poverty or war, we can choose. (The end of Poverty Safari by Darren McGarvey is very interesting)

    I know there is more to write on this subject, and all three of the books I have mentioned are teaching and showing me more about choices and responsibilities, do give them a read. On Choice and responsibilities – what do you think? I know I haven’t covered the effects of trauma or medical diagnosis, or oppression in this piece, and so I know it is hugely complicated subject. I also want to write about how we have the power to choose our emotions, maybe thats in a follow up piece. Because, today I chose to get up, and chose how I might respond to today.

  • What path do you choose?

    Is it the one that looks outside?

    And sees the things all shiny and inviting

    Or sees the platform, the status or the power?

    The one that still wants to win, at all costs?

    Is that the path you still choose?

    What path do you choose?

    The one set out already, of expectation, rules and tradition?

    Doing what was the right thing, and going through the motions?

    Living to please those who set the rules?

    Is that really your path?

    What path do you choose?

    Is it one of pain, anger or jealousy?

    Making a choice to be bitter, ongoing torment and anxiety?

    And facing rejection and violence along that road

    What path do you choose?

    What about your heart?

    What about mine?

    What about the path of love and goodness?

    And what will you discover as you do?

    A path as yet undiscovered, one waiting

    Yet the path you choose is the one in which you’ll find exactly what you’re looking for, the one from which you’ll see the world as you travel.

    What path do you choose?

    What choice do you make?

    When your feet touch the ground

    What do I bring as I walk? How can I be me as I walk?

    What path do you choose?

    What steps to take?

    What is your intention?

    To create, make or to break?

    You choose, it really is up to you

    Inspired by Gary Zukav, The seat of the soul, p237