Anyone panic when that message or that text or email arrives? From ‘that’ person?
Its like a shock, a reaction, pangs of fear, of guilt and brain on overload…
Sometimes it is just better to block them, to avoid this possibility, but what if that isn’t possible..there needs to be contact?
After 6 months of no contact, the abusive parents sent a few ‘contact bombs’ in the last few months
often its just a
‘dont forget about us’
‘dont try and have fun’
Ever notice how they do a scattergun of contact..to see who bites? – thats another tactic too, when it’s a whole family.. but
It got me thinking, when ‘that’ message appears… and after spending a moment to breathe, to regroup- what are some of the things to think about in receipt of the message, to decide what’s been said, being done, and what/if any response is actually required.
Heres an number that I’ve come up with
- They usually lie- are they selling the truth this time?
- it could be a half truth, hidden/masked – there often some truth in there… (what’s the lie cloaking it)
- Whats the hidden message in this message?
- How are they revealing themselves in this?
- What are the verifiable facts of this situation?
- What is the seriousness of this crisis- if it is one at all?
- Could they solve it themselves..if they calm down?
- When should I respond, because I don’t need to immediately?
- What role am I being out in in this message ? Is it rescuer, persecutor or victim?
- Is this your reponsibility to fix/rescue?
- What does this message make me feel.. and what does my gut say?
- Have I been in this position before and is it part of a pattern? – what can I do to step out?
- What statement can I use in response , that allows me to be true to myself, and get the outcome I want?
- What method is best to respond with, if a response is required…
Some of these might fit some situations better than others, some may not be appropriate at all. You dont have be the same with them that you have been before. You dont have to revert to a role. You dint even need to think that you have an obligation
the more questions you ask, the slower you are being, taking time, taking time back.
The only way someone else might change, is if you do – if you start responding differently.
If that reveals their anger, coded often in the next message…then that is also their responsibility.
Emotionally immature people exaggerate and distort everything – their crisis hasn’t been thought through by them, and so they’re dragging you into it – someone must save them, even if its just feeding the cat
It is always up to you to decide what level of response to give, independent of their pressure and wildfire emotions. If they make it a lack of love if you dont give them what they want, in their time..then see this as the emotional manipulation it is.
If you delay – but they refuse – they are promoting a distortion..that you dont matter as much as they do… again..you dont have to accept this offer of a skewed-one sided relationship. ‘I can’t believe you’re not doing this for me in my hour of need’ …step back out of this…
If you do give…decide what you are willing to..
And yes, some incidents may well require a response, if life or death or third party injury
A question to ask is what is about their request that causes the often immediate reaction, that had traditionally put me, and many others into that same whirlwind of emotional distortion and abuse.. often its one of three things
- feeling bad for saying no
- Being afraid of their anger
- fearing being judged and punished
It was important for me to reflect on why my responses to emotionally abusive people were as they were, and if im honest it was all of the above at different times, im not going to deny this, having been the recipient of anger, or threats of anger, and also punished as a child. Feeling bad for saying no, was wrapped up in ‘being nice’ , ‘keeping the peace’ and also no concept of standing up for myself, just crumbling underneath projected anger of women, especially the parent. That fear/stuck moment I described at the top is that disconnection… breathing and reclaiming time and asking questions… as well as developing self awareness, and self respect (actually I deserve better that to be spoken to like this) is all key. As you know, it was therapy 28 months ago that started the emotional rebuild for me.
I also think that in a faith community some of these become attached to spiritual language to make them more manipulative ‘God wants you to love everybody’ ‘God wouldn’t want you to say no to me’ ‘Obey your parents..or else’ Read it as manipulation, and take out the spiritual stuff, because its weaponising with scripture.
So I want to end this, but saying… you dont have to agree with their judgement of you, or choose to take on the guilt that their distortion projects onto you
What that text arrives… breathe…pause…think…- and repeat this as necessary… remind yourself of you. And then decide if and an appropriate response.
Theres more on this in Lindsay C Gibsons book ‘Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents, 2019) chapter 4 – ‘Resisting the emotional take-over’.
In researching this piece I discovered this article
21 Signs of an abusive parent – It is highly accurate and triggering, but, if you are in any doubt of the nature of the relationship with your parents.
Would you add any other questions? or have any other strategies for dealing with this? Do share below, and thank you for reading, do share with anyone you know who is going through this kind of thing in an abusive relationship with partner, parents or others. If you’d like to support me, please do click the link on the right and buy me a coffee.. for about £3.. thank you
James Ballantyne 