James Ballantyne

Tag: control

  • They always leave a Trail (and its bigger than you imagine)

    We all do this, in whatever we do and however we are. As I am writing job application forms at the moment, I realise that I have an employment trail, and also a trail of where I have interacted with people, young people, my employers, stakeholders, churches, organisations and communities, as well as in personal friendships and relationships. We all leave a trail, sometimes its in places and in ways we can be proud of, sometimes in ways where we might wish it could have been better – but we all leave a trail, and, in the most part much of that trail we can look at, and leave in the past, yes there might be the one job or relationship that didnt go well, but if it was something we learned from and responded to….

    Abusers leave trails too.

    Trails of destruction all over the place- for most, if not all of their lives

    Trails of terror and damage – to most – but not all people

    But surely, someone would find out eventually? Surely they might get caught?

    You say that, but then again:

    And, for legal reasons Im not indicating that Johnson is abusive, but what I am saying is that his trail of behaviour has been well known – ie since school times. This image has done the rounds this week, but it could easily have done the rounds at any time in the last 10 years.

    Analysing the behaviour of a Public figure from distance is one thing, but what about the abusers in our more immediate circumstances, in families, communities and organisations?

    Trails are still there.

    Imagine the person you just started a relationship with – and their ex is on the phone telling you about what that person did before – do you believe them, or think that they are the hysterical one – what would the person you are in a relationship with want you to believe? What red flags do you miss? or ignore – and why do you ignore them?

    What about the person in the workplace who somehow manages to create division in settled teams and then manages to get promotions each time?

    What about the trails an abusive person in a family might leave as residues of toxicity and festering stink all around?

    They leave a trail. They always leave a trail.

    And what do they rely on – to maintain that trail?

    A few things.

    1. Dividing up people. This they do in a number of ways. Often they ensure that the people who have authority in situations only see their good side – and then those they abuse who are vulnerable and not believed. Another way is to keep people apart. It took a number of years for me to engage in conversations with my family about the parents – conversations that I was joining in on that others had already started. The Stories were all the same – everyone had been shamed, abused, belittled – and everyone had been divided.
    2. They can abuse everyone they meet, though they leave a trail with everyone. Usually its the cold, numb feeling, or its emails that dont make sense. Often charismatic but empty.
    3. Because of 1. They rely on moving around a lot. Keep the residue far far away.
    4. Another way of dividing people is the scapegoating and triangulation. Playing people off each other.
    5. Sympathy and Gossip. This works especially well in communities of faith, where sympathy and gossip sadly go hand in hand – but families too. If the abuser can generate enough sympathy from people and create a narrative where everyone else is the problem – and not be kept accountable for – then this divides. Whilst everyone else is the problem – then the trail isnt being looked out for.
    6. They rely on people being too scared to come forward. Too scared because they have been abused, too scared because they dont think they’ll be believed, too scared because of the damage that ‘it might cause’ – too scared because they have been made to think that they are alone – too scared also, because there abuser is now getting profile, is in a public position, is gaining power, in whatever way – whether its twitter followers, platform, role or status. Too scared also, because they know that their abuser will have a created fan club – who ride on their sympathy for them. So – the places where the trail has been left – stay silent. For the moment. But- there is a trail. (and theres a legal system thats expensive too)
    7. And others dont come forward…because they say they dont want to be part of the drama – their silence benefits the abuser.
    8. The trail can be so shocking – that silence is kept – because no one thinks you’re going to be believed. Stories that movies are made of in the years after. If it takes a year to get evidence from a high profile garden party, even in a mass communication age, no wonder other cases have taken years to get to court. But because no one suspected anything at the time – no one was looking…
    9. “they couldn’t do that – they’re a (insert respected profession) ‘
    10. ‘I cant believe a ‘Mother’ would do such a thing’….
    11. ‘Thats just _____ being ____ – you cant change them
    12. ‘Aren’t you just being paranoid – say one of your ‘friends’ to you…

    See how the trail is kept hidden away? See how those who have had experience of the trail are kept silent?

    Since many psychopaths deceive close family and friends – the victims who are there easiest to target and pose the least risk for psychopaths – they remain undetected and can continue

    The pattern is very common – Psychopaths have a parasitic lifestyle. They enjoy eating at nice restaurants but it is you that foots the bill. (a literal example in many cases)

    The psychopath thinks they have a right to commit these transgressions since they stand above all the rest of us

    Thomas Erikson Surrounded by Psychopaths (2019)

    Hidden away, there are trails of communications, emails, facebook messages, conversations – where so many tiny or maybe large sprinkles of lead are left, grey and smouldering from them. That rely on someone putting it all together. Jimmy Saville relied on none of the institutions talking to each other – and the BBC fame – so he felt untouchable – but he left a trail both of victims and also in every interview.

    They leave a trail.

    A trail that relies on many people piecing it together.

    But theres something else.

    Because control, power and winning are usually the modus operandi of abusers – as their trail gets bigger and effectively they get away with it from an early age – what they then do is boast about their trail. In the moment of questioning – they reveal how many companies they closed, how many partners they slept with, how many people ‘love them’. That boasting of their trail, of the damage they have done, forms part of a new trail – and is evidence of how confident they are that their trail is being maintained, hidden and kept quiet.

    And more especially – its winning, power and control in the moment – every conversation and interaction is about these things. The trail doesn’t matter to them. They dont care anyone is hurting because of them, they just care about the moment – and winning in that moment. It seems odd to the rest of us who can see journeys and connections in our lives, and reflect and learn from the choices we made… We see this in the press all the time, the inconsistencies of stories about refugee and asylum seekers vs lack of people to pick fruit and Brexit. Its the story in the immediate vs the narrative over time. Abusive people rely on the moment – and no-one coming forward to piece together the pieces of a toxic jigsaw.

    Apologies are what you say when you can see that what you did in the past was wrong. It relies on memory and awareness of consequence. Even when a trail is brought to the attention of authorities- when people have come forward – when evidence is shown – denials, mistruths, and still blaming others might still be the response. ‘Why did they come forward now’? ‘they’re just after my money?’ ‘they’ll ruin my ministry?’ ‘I dont remember doing that!’ .

    They leave a trail. They always leave a trail. Often they are proud of their trail.

    How do you deal with it?

    Personally self awareness. Organisationally – education on emotional abuse and collective self awareness, and a load more besides. Its harder to see there trail when we’re in a rush. Its harder to see the trail when we’re not looking for it. Its harder to see the trail when we dont want to believe it exists.

    The reality is that the trail is only what is able to be evidenced. Research has shown that survivors are usually factual, and that the truth – as high profile lawsuits are revealing – is that the extend of the trails is far far greater than what is known.

    There is more to write on this I’m sure. But thats all for this piece.

    Thank you for reading, this grim piece about the trails left by abusers in their wake, and how they deal with them, with the same patterns. I hope that this, and other articles and links on this website are helpful. If you can support me in this writing please do click the link, and do share with others links to the website and new facebook page.

    If you can financially support my work, please do so here: thank you

    I will write other pieces on lighter subjects again, as this one took a while to write, bringing in examples from different examples of abusive situations.

    There are resources in the menu above too, do take a look.

  • How does Shame hold you?

    How does Shame hold you?

    ‘When we (Men) reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us… and dont tell me from the guys…but from the women in our lives

    So I started interviewing men and..

    You show me a woman who can sit with a man with real vulnerability – ill show you a woman who has done incredible work

    You show me a man who can sit with a woman who has got to the end of her tether and his first response isn’t ‘I unloaded the dishwasher’ but he really listens – because thats what we need – then ill show you a guy whose done a lot of work

    Shame is an epidemic in our culture

    To find our way back to ourselves in our culture we have to find out how it affects us, the way we’re parenting, the way we’re working, the way we’re looking at each other

    When asked what the things men have to do to conform with male norms in culture, research showed the following:

    • Always show emotional control
    • Make work a Primary goal
    • Pursue Status
    • Violence

    The antidote to shame is empathy, if you put shame in a petrie dish it goes away.

    Shame needs three things to grow exponentially, secrecy, silence and judgement – it can’t survive with empathy.

    If we’re going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path.

    It may be seductive to stand outside the arena, when im perfect and bulletproof…but that never happens, we bring ourselves as we are to the battle ‘

    (Brene Brown, TED Talk 2012 – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0

    I have spent the last week digging deep reflecting on vulnerability and shame, on guilt, on myself – and this brought me to the point of actually reading or watching something of Brene Brown, a name that to me had been only a social media meme, or someone who I hadn’t got around to yet.

    So I watched her two TED talks over the weekend. Whilst there’s so much to reflect on in full. Its these last few comments about Men that I highlighted above, that I felt it appropriate to share here.

    Lets look again. For a man in society to live up to cultural norms (in a US based research) it involves

    Emotional Control

    Primacy of work

    Status

    Violence.

    So shall we ask the question – do you agree or disagree?

    Or a better one – have you felt shame in not fulfilling these things?

    Or another – how much effort does it take to ‘go against’ them?

    What does shame feel like for you?

    Are you expected to be ‘in emotional control’ – around others who lose their shit – so what place do your feelings have?

    when was the last time you cried? When was the last time you cried, in front of your partner?

    Are you expected to work until – well until you are sick? Because you are meant to? Is your life about success at all costs?

    Status and power – Have felt the pressure or shame for not taking on that promoted role, or that position?

    Violence – Dont be the victim of bullying, stand up for yourself… fight back… – win at all costs ?

    Which of these resonates for you? Or might it be something else?

    If im honest I was shocked by these 4 things, especially Violence, but then whats the method in which superheroes win in films? or in video games? (as one example) – and it worried me that these were revealed as expectations and then areas in which Men might feel shame about, and realised that even if we dont think all apply to us – we can still carry shame because of just one of these areas.

    Maybe lets pause for a moment and reflect on the shame that we carry.

    What is it, and what is it doing to us that is likely to be unhealthy.

    What subliminal message about expectations and shame are we passing onto our children? What have we inhabited? What does shame and vulnerability mean for us, as men?

    I had to admit something to my partner Christelle the other day, she knows me as someone who is wise, clever, reads, who likes nature, adventures, travel and food, who is in work that involves justice, poverty and faith. I had to admit something, that feels like a guilty secret, in comparison of all these noble, creative, wise activities about me.

    And that was my also my following of sport. Specifically the capitalist business model team that is Manchester United – a team I supported since I was 8. My guilty pleasure, out in the open. But it felt almost shameful. Not liking football could be seen as odd in the UK, but that I support ‘that’ team (and not just because of recent results) seems so out of character with so many parts of me that I stand for. Though this felt trivial it wasnt in a way. It was a tiny bit of vulnerability on my part, a part of me that I often feel shame about, and hide, as it makes me feel less perfect, less with integrity, interested in something ‘trivial’. Though it sounded trivial, it still felt like a thing I felt shame about.

    In another example : I had to take a covid test today, like so many of us in the last 2 years – but can you remember how it was ‘shameful’ to admit getting this disease? Shame and blame in culture… – and yes I am writing this post whilst dosed up on lemsips and a bag full of tissues to hand – and the test has come back negative…

    Maybe thats the thing with shame and vulnerability – its about giving ourselves away, to hope that we’ll be loved despite our imperfections, and take a risk – where its safe to do so.

    So to the Men who might read this – what might shame and being vulnerable mean to you – what are you scared of, or afraid of?

    What cultures in work, or religious groups, make it even easier to hold on to shame- where our real lives can be hidden away for pretence or expectation – to not be our real selves..pretending…

    It might be time to bring it out of the secrecy, silence and judgement.

    Do the expectations of emotional control, stays, work and violence affect you? – in what ways?

    Is it one of these things more than the others? And who and how might you begin to expose the layers of some of the wounds of shame and let them go, in a way like Matt Haig describes below:

    Imagine forgiving yourself completely. The goals you didnt reach. The Mistakes you made -(the choices that you made even). Instead of locking those flaws inside to define and repeat yourself, imagine letting your past float through your present and away like air through a window, freshening a room. Imagine that.

    Matt Haig (The Comfort Book)

    Of course, the other side of this is those who feel no shame, the tiny proportion, but still large number who might be considered sociopathic. Shame is part of being human, part of being a human that is more whole and humane.

  • ‘Why cant I just have fun?’

    ‘Why cant I just have fun?’

    It sometimes feels an effort to have fun – dont you think? well it does for me

    Nothing is stopping me, I can do what I want, So what cant I?

    But then I started to realise why… its those voices in my head, the critical ones, the sensible ones…these ones…

    ‘Are you boys having fun?’

    Came the voice of the abuser to me, on a number of times, its often at a time when I have actually been having fun.

    Its tone was accusatory. It was as if ‘fun’ was not allowed.

    Fun was ‘found out’ – look you couldn’t hide it from me, you were having fun

    Secret fun.

    You doing have fun without me, you don’t have fun in this house,

    Isnt there something more useful you should be doing… like meeting my needs instead?

    Fun guilt.

    ‘Just dont make a mess’

    Fun now has to be clean, organised, tidy.

    ‘I didnt say dont have fun, just keep the noise down’

    I gave up fun, fun was no fun..

    Another factor in the fun thing for me is the church thing.

    Growing up evangelical – meant having conditional fun, and being judgemental on other peoples fun

    ‘Look at us having fun without alcohol’ – at a barn dance that is excruciatingly painful in 1991 with other ‘young people’ who are finding it excruciatingly painful watching their parents dance and look as though they are pretending to be having fun and its just so awful. Then to be forced to dance. URGH.

    It wasnt just sex, drugs and rock and roll that were banned – it was anything that was the gateway to any of these things, school discos, pop music, smoking (anything) ..- we dont do what they do…

    Fun for me as a teenager was doing ‘christian fun’ – what was allowed – the christian music festival – and yet even there I struggled to have fun, because I was so un easy about having fun, with the exception of sports, just dont get me to dance, or draw

    Problem is in a context of what is and what isnt allowed….nothing seems much fun

    If Fun is about doing something for the sake of it, doing something that might be boundless, free, creative and spontaneous.. then I realise that part of rediscovering myself, and my inner child is about ‘having fun’ again

    I can definitely see how having conditions on fun – meant that something wasnt fun

    I can see now also that as part of the trauma of growing up with a psychopathic parent, that fun wasnt part of the deal, because more than not fun was about being responsible, staying alert. The only fun was to do the thing they wanted to do.

    Theres only allowed fun in abusive narcissist prison.

    Guilty for having fun? Shame for having the wrong kind of fun? Too responsible to have fun?

    Too inhibited to get drunk, always needing to be aware, responsible and look after others..- yes

    So when did I start to notice this, and realise it?

    I notice all the time, id rather be serious, think about serious things, learn, write (like this), digest the news (see previous post), and even some hobbies can feel like a performance, competitive…

    I really noticed about fun when I asked my inner child what he wanted to do that was fun – and then actually do it

    It was my inner child that wrote what it above.

    I noticed too when it felt a momentous action to pick up a felt tip pen and make a messy splurge on a piece of paper.

    Dont make a mess, stick to the lines, you cant draw, dont be silly, that’s silly…voices in my head, every time

    Be a grown up, dont be childish, whats the point, haven’t you something more responsible, or helpful to do – like write a blog or check twitter or tidy, or…

    I realise that its a struggle to ‘have fun’ – when the voices in my head, the critical parent – from the sources of those critical voices, abusive people and excessively moral churches – have been so dominant, and Ive been conditioned to comply, to fit, and found belonging or a trauma bond in compliance.

    Overthinking fun makes it a struggle to have fun at all.

    Just need to do it.

    So one of those things is that fun is guided.

    What do I do now for fun? new things that ive never been interested in before… and also new things I didnt know I could do before, as well as some of the old things like trains, cycling and growing food, but also photography,

    Walks, and after those occasions a few months ago, now experimenting with drawing, art and self discovery in drawing, colours, and art – something I left behind as a child. Learning to be creative will be another piece, but at this stage, just to say that ive discovered something fun in stuff that I thought I couldn’t do or hated as a child. Its like an unlocking.

    PICK UP THE PENS JAMES. JUST DO IT..so..

    Heres something I drew yesterday, just for fun….and with both hands simultaneously…

    Safety is so important in the pursuit of creativity – unless you dont give a fuck about what it is you’re creating and potentially upsetting in the process

    So often emotional abuse resolves around the shameful control of behaviour and that includes ‘what is allowed as fun’

    Often those who cannot have fun project rules onto those so it prevents them from doing so.

    I do find it a struggle to have fun.

    Maybe thats an ‘adult thing’ – but I’m more sure its a recovery from narcissistic abuse thing too. Life was about survival – and fun doesnt play a part – (maybe except outside the prison walls)

    A few thoughts on Fun:

    I can relate. When you’ve been fighting for justice or for survival all your life, it doesn’t take much to be content. A safe place to live, some peace and quiet, can be enough for a while. Your idea of fun might just change a bit. (Ryan on Twitter @Ryan_Daigler)

    I think I feel guilty for enjoying myself? And also sometimes in the past bad things have happened to others whilst I’ve been out enjoying myself so there’s that.(Lydia @Lydimoo)

    and someone trying to..

    I promised myself I would do fun things while I’ve got all my evenings to myself during the school holidays. It’s not yet working out as planned, Ive killed alot of time playing games though (Helen @Helenmt)

  • Dealing with my Noise Addiction: Recovery and Healing (Part 8 )

    There was one addiction I had to cure.

    It wasn’t alcohol, drugs, sex or shopping, it wasnt biting my nails, chocolate or coffee.

    It was NOISE

    I had a Noise addiction.

    Since the tender age of ‘Radio 5 is amazing and I can listen to football matches on it’ about 13, thats what I was addicted to.

    NEWS NOISE

    SPORTS NEWS NOISE

    Radio 5 on, all the time.

    Every match, every Saturday, all the time.

    From age 13 I also did a paper -round, and after a year, the front pages were as interesting as the back ones – so I got into the noise of politics.

    I started to like the NEWS.

    So Radio 5 on all the time. A lot of the time – that is when I wasnt trying to concentrate on studying or passing exams. It kept me sane during the need for complete concentration overload.

    And then 20 years on there was THE BBC NEWS Channel.

    I needed to keep being in the needing to know what’s going on. 2-3 hours at the end of the day, in a loop, same news, then ‘what the papers say’ about the same news, and then what people on twitter say about what the papers say about what the news is about the reaction to the papers on the news and the news about the papers and it goes on.

    Oh and Question time and ‘that programme with Andrew Neil late on a Thursday which I used to think was boring when growing up but then somehow I thought it was interesting and more interesting than the actual news, but was still the news in a slightly sardonic kind of way.

    And talking of sardonic, ‘comedy’ from the age of 14 was also about the the kind of satire on the news, like Have I got news for you with Roy Hattersley replaced by a tub of lard kind of funny and Angus Seaton being terminated because he was the news and then Mock the Week that I thought was funny then I didn’t think was funny but it was news and stuff and noise and NOISE and I needed NOISE to drown out everything and it consumed me.

    And the noise was in the headphones so that I didnt need to feel anything, just hear the noise and be concentrating on the noise, and I would listen to podcasts of people doing funny things with the news and the sport and even the movies, but I wasnt really that into movies but I liked the noise of people who talked about the movies and I got to like movies as a result but it was the noise that was as important.

    NOISE

    TALKING

    THINKING

    BEING AWARE OF EVERYTHING

    also

    I didnt want to watch a movie or a box set, I didnt want my heart to be evoked, amazing as I think about it that the two films I watched in the 3 months to the breakdown and separation were 12 years a slave and The Color purple. But generally, current NOISE was what I needed. Keep focussing on out there…

    And

    Then

    I stopped

    watching

    the

    news.

    I

    Stopped

    the

    Noise.

    I didnt have my own TV – and realised in a safe place, I didnt need the noise.

    I stopped the noise of news

    I stopped even listening

    Safety and retreat meant being able to listen to a different beat.

    My own

    Not what I think and being on a need to constantly think

    I needed to reduce the noise to hear myself

    And now

    The only time I listen to the Radio is when my daughter wants to put it on in the car.

    Unpredictable news noise is out.

    I dont want to know.

    I was addicted to Noise, News noise

    Sport Noise

    Creating boundaries was and is something I need to continually revisit, but to this day, and 2 years almost to the day since I moved into my flat, I am yet to hear a live news broadcast in it, I am yet to pollute the soundwaves of my home with toxic Boris or anyone else.

    I control the noise.

    I decide how I consume the ‘news’ if at all.

    And yes I am on social media…but that doesn’t have the same visceral reaction as on a screen

    I still decide. I am not leaving a gaping hole in a boundary in which the news can filter in, whether true or propaganda, it doesnt have a place.

    And what have I replaced it with? Well, Music of course. Just music, life giving, artistry, creativity, the prophetic and poetic, even the mundane and the middle of the road. And sometimes just silence.

    Quiet.

    Noise

    The distant seagulls and the birds in the trees.

    Maybe the noise of news and comedy was a very good crutch that I needed, and im grateful for it….but part of what I needed to do to heal, was change the rhythm completely, and I really haven’t gone back. Do I miss the BBC? nope.

  • Why we’ve got to try and feel our feelings, not think our way out of them

    Its easier to say….’I know’

    I know that 

    Its easier to say … ‘I think’

    I think that

    Its easier to say …’I am…’

    I am annoyed

    Its easier to say ..’I cant..’

    I cant do this anymore

    Its harder to say ‘I feel..’

    As I I feel sad, I feel happy, I feel good… when ____ happens

    Not ‘you made me feel’ or ‘you should feel’ – having someone else to blame, or dictate our feelings, but ‘I feel’

    I feel fine covers a lot though doesn’t it…How Are You? Broken Sad Lonley Hurt Upset Alone Depressed Suicidal Angry Hateful Breaking Down Screaming Dead Empty Nothing Crying Shouting Giving Up Hiding Wearing a Mask Cutting Horrible Down Holl Worth

    It was recently said to me that in the conversations about men and emotions, that its not that men dont feel emotions, but that they lack the language to describe and articulate them. I look at my own life, and wonder when I could, or felt safe to, express how ‘I feel’ or ‘felt’ about anything. It strikes me as ironic, as during a time when I was helping young people explore emotional literacy in some mentoring work, that I numbed my own pain, that I had no handle on, or no experience of doing this myself. I know about emotional literacy, is vastly different to me being able to say ‘I feel’ .

    You quickly learn as a child not to worry about your own emotions, when there’s more emotional people in the family to care for, when you’re on tenterhooks all the time. You learn to ignore feelings. Thats what I did. Switch onto full on survival mode.

    Yet at the same time I thought I was self aware. I wasn’t.

    If Daniel Coleman is to be believed, its about being aware of our mood and our thoughts about that mood (emotional intelligence, p 47) He says when we say ‘this anger I am feeling’ is more freeing than trying to deny someone the right to feel angry. Growing up in a ‘shouldn’t feel’ emotions culture, let alone a coping with other persons over emotional state culture, denies the healthy growth of emotional awareness, of the self.

    Research has shown that those who accept and are aware of their emotions, are more likely to feel both good and negative ones, than people who distract, deny and suppress emotions. Coleman writes, the more we notice in terms of emotions, the richer we are emotionally.Emotional Intelligence For Dads And Kids - The Dad Train

    But what about not being able to express or articulate emotions. A case study in Colemans book talks about the man who literally had flat, colourless emotions, who ‘lacked the words’ for feelings, and whilst he goes on to state (in 1996) that further research is needed on this (it might be done by now) he and others were drawn to the significant amount of people who literally could not feel and why this was the case.

    I like this line, on the back of their preliminary findings then..

    if you could put words to what you were felt, it was yours

    and that, as they said was the problem to those who couldn’t feel or have no words for them, they couldn’t own their own feelings. Often, that just meant feeling other peoples.

    I feel….. well what doing I feel. What do you feel?  and, Men, I address you, to  ask that you take notice of, and allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to feel, and try and articulate the feeling, saying I feel angry, happy, blissful, calm, or feeling anxious, tired, hot, aroused…

    or any one of these… practice saying, feeling, acknowledging them..I will..

    Today I Feel... Poster - FREEBIE by The Vibrant VA Studies Shop and More

    Saying I feel isn’t weak.

    Its so hard work that it requires strength. Ignoring I feel is so so much worse.  I get if you cant. I get if you cant because its buried under hurts and trauma. I know. But admit that too, and prioritise talking, therapy and loving yourself to be fully you.

    ‘I think’ was always an easy get out for me. ‘I know’ was too. Hide emotions because not being in a safe place to express them, or to peel off the layers to experience them.

    To be more me, Im going to try and speak from my heart and say I feel.

    Its not too late to start. I owe it to myself, and everyone around me.

    This may help:

    How “Feeling Your Feelings” May Help Improve Your Relationship with Food — Michelle Vina Baltsas