James Ballantyne

Tag: domestic violence

  • Why ‘Healing for Men’ and not for all?

    Why ‘Healing for Men’ and not for all?

    I sometimes get asked the question : ‘Why are you writing just to Men?’ so I thought I might share a little in response and maybe pose a few further thoughts on this, thoughts, that may not be complete, but thoughts that share a little on some of my reasoning and motives for the blog as it is:

    1. The main reason ‘Healing for Men’ is that I am male. Its kind of obvious, but theres no way I would want to speak for, or to women. Yes I know women read what I write, some women read it and pass it on to their male friends or partners. My experience is from a male perspective, my perspective, of what it was like to grow up in an emotionally abusive home and the implications of that, of being a son, a brother, a husband and father, and also male in various workplaces such as supermarkets, call centres, and through education to Masters and 20 years in faith based youth and community work, all as a male. But also what its like for me, as a male, accessing therapy, accessing the process of therapeutic learning, self help, self awareness and rebuilding. I have tried where I have been able too to write from my experience.
    2. The Mental health, suicide crisis is virtually solely a Male one in the UK, its the biggest cause of death for the 30-50’s, and though I can honestly say I wasn’t close to making that life ending decision aged 40, it might have been close if it wasnt for a small group of friends and a place to stay. Part of this blog then, is for me to talk about what getting help, vulnerability and life change is like for me, what shame, guilt, feeling trapped is like and sharing something of my journey. Could it be that men might read this and think that they are not alone? Maybe…
    3. Though numbers of this are increasing, I want to raise the profile of Male victims of Domestic Violence, and the support offered, accessible to others (links included), but also I think it is as important to speak into the situations of where men abuse women, as this is tragically still more common. Though I recognise that if this is you, you are unlikely to be reading this, but one day you might reflect on your behaviour, change is possible, starting with acceptance, vulnerability, you don’t have to abuse and objectify women forever, that frightened part of you can heal, give it light.
    4. I am wondering if there are specific actual aspects of a breakdown-healing-self awareness- growth journey might be characteristically male. I have read recently that less men access therapy, and less men are present at seminars on DV or Trauma – these are seen as ‘female’ issues..are they? , I am not qualified enough to suggest responses to the men and therapy question generally – though for me it was about pride, and about not wanting to start a process that felt dauntingly large – knowing what I had hidden or avoided for so long. (I acknowledge therapy isn’t for everyone, though I will also say that external activities that say they are therapeutic, (like screaming at a football match) might only scratch some of the surface) – but might there be male attitudes to ‘getting help’ ? More men that women might be externalisers who hide and defend their weaknesses – through a veil of codependency, narcissism or worse – but women do this too. (21 reasons men hide their vulnerability – here)
    5. One of the ‘Male’ perspectives and attitudes that I didn’t grow up with – given that my own father was an abused Dad , was the idea of ‘Macho’, strong, and senses of achievement, and physical strength – its not something I can relate to – but, the ‘Macho’ I had to be was have inner survival strength to cope with emotional shit, and the emotional beatings and manipulations of a lifelong psychopathic mother. I can’t speak from the ‘macho’ culture, but dont we all hide behind strengths of a variety of different kinds? I am intrigued at some level by the toxic masculinity conversation, and reflecting on its effect, on men, since childhood, and how it plays out in families, workplaces and elsewhere. What if we stopped trying to live up to, but started to live? I know I’m not going to heal the world, and I dont profess to, yet I do know and have heard of men who have recognised themselves in some of what I have written, and I’m honoured to have been able to connect in this way.
    6. Healing for Men, for whilst we as men dont fill up the therapy rooms, we are bulging at the addiction clinics, whether its gambling, food, alcohol, porn, drugs or something else or we’re drowning in overwork – these are all conditions that stem from deep loss, brokenness and trying to run and hide. This is what we turn to often – the external – when its the internal that’s crying in pain. At least, thats what I did. I am sure women turn to these things, or others too.

    Another thing more common to men is take on roles of Power and Authority, it becomes an addiction and a mask.

    Given our influence, in our families, workplaces, homes, and communities – dont those around us deserve us to be the best we can be? Our real selves? What would it mean to be vulnerable – for the first time- to accept and acknowledge needing help? To start by admitting defeat, but not the end? Ultimately all I really want to do in this blog is continue to share the parts of my journey that I want to make public, to encourage any man in their own process of growth, self learning and personal truth, to let them, to let you know that change from any behaviour is possible.

    Your emotional needs are important, men, you are important.

    Self care and self help isnt just for women

    Self -love isnt weak

    It takes courage to admit

    Real courage

    The strongest strength you have ever had to look inwards

    Its where real power lies.

    You dont need to carry around an emptiness forever, friend.

    Neither do I.

    So thats some of my reasoning for ‘Healing for Men’ – maybe the other is that theres already alot out there for a female audience, not that there aren’t resources for men either, but felt that I could be specific, and personal, and be one male, sharing my story, speaking with and to other men, as we all journey though life.

    Thank you – do click like and share with others, and thank you for your ongoing support

    Healing for Men, the world is a better place – when we are too.

  • Holding the weight, when the other doesn’t

    I was wondering, what are the things we do, when in the midst of abusive relationships, before we realise that it wasn’t actually us?

    Therapy is one of them

    This reminded me of more….in an abusive relationship, of some of the strong imbalances..

    You do the work – for those that wont

    You do the thinking – for the one that wont

    You show up – for the one that hides

    You take the blame – for the one that gives it

    You have principles, of truth – for the one who is just out to win

    You do the time – for the one who wants easy

    You solve and fix – the damage they create

    You take on their issues – for the one who demands it

    You take on responsibility – for the one who avoids it

    You invest in the relationship – for the one who expects it

    You respond to their emotions – for the one who projects them

    You keep the peace – for the drama that spews from them

    You stay the quiet one – for the one who can’t see themselves, making the noise

    You remember things – for the one who’s amnesia is selective

    You start….eventually… too see….

    Yourself, in a way they cannot see.

    and

    Them, in a way they cannot see either.

    That you are more than an extension of their abuse

    That all you have dealt with, are tools too for making you strong.

    You and I have put up with so much, that its now time to fly.

    As a friend commented to me, there are nuances to this, that a short article can never convey, my focus on this is more parent/child abusive relationships, but that doesnt negate the possibility/reality that partner relationships can be very one sided and these binary occur. The adage that ‘they dont change’ unless we do is undoubtedly true, but as you do change, seeing the extent of that weight can start to be released..

  • The shame of being male

    This feels like one of the most difficult pieces I have ever written, but that fact alone doesnt stop me from wanting to write it, for theres a feeling I get every now and then, that I hate, and this week its become much stronger.

    This is difficult to write, because I know I won’t get it right.

    And that is the feeling that I really hate men sometimes.

    I hate men when they abuse women

    I hate men when they manipulate systems to allow those who abuse women to get away with it

    I hate men when they blame alcohol or women to excuse their behaviuour

    I hate men who find it easy to talk about raping and treating women as their possession

    I hate men who lie and play games with women to pit them against each other, whilst abusing others to keep them silent.

    I hate men when they say its not all men, because they are factually right, it isnt but thats not whats required, whats required is listening, learning and feeling, and standing up women, and to challenge the systems, that exist all over the world.

    I hate men, who, just dont take responsibility. For themselves, for others, and expect others to revolve around them. It is not good enough

    The men who blame women for their actions, to excuse them – ‘because they did what they did or didnt do, or wear what they did or didnt- that was the reason I acted’ they were to blame.

    So im annoyed, Im hurt and I feel powerless, but I just wanted to talk about it, why- because im tired of having to feel like whilst its not all men, its enough men, its enough systems, its enough places where male behaviour is excused.

    I was at a local railway station late last night, 6 drunk older men in their late 50’s got off the same late train as me, I knew what was going on, i could work out a late train needed a new ticket and how to do a quick change. It was as if they couldn’t and didnt want to even try to follow what I was saying to them, just reading the signs and saying things like ‘our train went early’ and blaming a train, whilst having no idea what was going on. The train they were meant to be on left, without them, and they might have spent the night in thornaby at 9.45pm on a Friday night, with not a chance of getting too Sunderland.

    Im sick and tired of men, who dispose of their responsibilities, for themselves, and expect others to deal with them when drunk.

    I wonder, what might it be like to begin to admit our collective failings as men in society.

    Dont take out the reason that life has treated us badly on other people – therapy and talking it out is a way of doing it – sports and alcohol distraction only delays it

    I wonder, if a key to healing as a man is to stop, and admit things.

    The closer we are to the pain and walking through it, the greater chance of being able to be free from it.

    Our woundedness is not an excuse for behaviour – men we can choose – and men, often we can do better, often we are just lazy. Or maybe we prefer to bully and abuse others, because thats when we get what we want, whilst clawing away at our soul.

    We have been conned by our own male orientated society to think the way that we do, and brought up in a world that has tainted our views on money, possessions, power and women. We just dont know what or who to be, too soft, too hard, too closed, too open, too feminine, too kind, not enough.

    I want to be sympathetic as well as angry. I want to see the men who act disastrously and destructively as both victim and perpetrator.

    Its complicated, I know, and thats the problem.

    What does healing for men look like when brought up by an abusive mother? When you’re angry at that abusive mother or father, or been in the care system, what is that like?

    What does healing for men look like to the entitled man who has everything, who destroys everything around him as a consequence of his moulded ego and narcissism? Can they be healed?

    What does a healed, healthy, society look like – and how significant should the male dominated media play in it?

    Whats the starting point we’re at now?

    There are times when I hate men. I really do

    I hate that victims of male abuse pay 1000’s on legal fees and therapy to recover. That should not happen.

    Yet Society rewards the bullies.

    And I am one of them.

    A white middle aged man.

    And I know I can do better. Because if I can do better, it benefits everyone.

    I can reach into the depths of my hurting damaged heart and try not to inflict that pain on others, then it is possible.

    I hate men as much as Im embarrassed to be a man sometimes, or feel some kind of gender guilt because of the 100’s and 1000’s of stories of women beaten up by men on a daily basis.

    It wasn’t her

    It wasnt the drink

    It wasnt the football

    It wasnt the mates down the pub

    It wasnt the stress of work

    It wasnt the lack of work

    It wasnt a mental health issue

    It was you.

    Because you had a choice not to, at every point.

    Maybe healing for men, is for you because you are on the brink, you are angry, you are bitter, you are running, you are hiding, you feel trapped, pressured and exhausted. It doesnt have to be this way or continue to be.

    Dont stand there and tell me that men are abused too, I know, I so know it.

    I look in horror at the Plymouth shooting and its aftermath, and the many shootings elsewhere by men.

    So maybe this is anger, maybe this is grief – for what we have all become.

    So I’m thinking out loud, heart filled splattering of hurt, pain and anguish.

    I wish it wasnt the way, but sometimes I really hate men.