We all do this, in whatever we do and however we are. As I am writing job application forms at the moment, I realise that I have an employment trail, and also a trail of where I have interacted with people, young people, my employers, stakeholders, churches, organisations and communities, as well as in personal friendships and relationships. We all leave a trail, sometimes its in places and in ways we can be proud of, sometimes in ways where we might wish it could have been better – but we all leave a trail, and, in the most part much of that trail we can look at, and leave in the past, yes there might be the one job or relationship that didnt go well, but if it was something we learned from and responded to….
Abusers leave trails too.
Trails of destruction all over the place- for most, if not all of their lives
Trails of terror and damage – to most – but not all people
But surely, someone would find out eventually? Surely they might get caught?
You say that, but then again:
And, for legal reasons Im not indicating that Johnson is abusive, but what I am saying is that his trail of behaviour has been well known – ie since school times. This image has done the rounds this week, but it could easily have done the rounds at any time in the last 10 years.
Analysing the behaviour of a Public figure from distance is one thing, but what about the abusers in our more immediate circumstances, in families, communities and organisations?
Trails are still there.
Imagine the person you just started a relationship with – and their ex is on the phone telling you about what that person did before – do you believe them, or think that they are the hysterical one – what would the person you are in a relationship with want you to believe? What red flags do you miss? or ignore – and why do you ignore them?
What about the person in the workplace who somehow manages to create division in settled teams and then manages to get promotions each time?
What about the trails an abusive person in a family might leave as residues of toxicity and festering stink all around?
They leave a trail. They always leave a trail.
And what do they rely on – to maintain that trail?
A few things.
Dividing up people. This they do in a number of ways. Often they ensure that the people who have authority in situations only see their good side – and then those they abuse who are vulnerable and not believed. Another way is to keep people apart. It took a number of years for me to engage in conversations with my family about the parents – conversations that I was joining in on that others had already started. The Stories were all the same – everyone had been shamed, abused, belittled – and everyone had been divided.
They can abuse everyone they meet, though they leave a trail with everyone. Usually its the cold, numb feeling, or its emails that dont make sense. Often charismatic but empty.
Because of 1. They rely on moving around a lot. Keep the residue far far away.
Another way of dividing people is the scapegoating and triangulation. Playing people off each other.
Sympathy and Gossip. This works especially well in communities of faith, where sympathy and gossip sadly go hand in hand – but families too. If the abuser can generate enough sympathy from people and create a narrative where everyone else is the problem – and not be kept accountable for – then this divides. Whilst everyone else is the problem – then the trail isnt being looked out for.
They rely on people being too scared to come forward. Too scared because they have been abused, too scared because they dont think they’ll be believed, too scared because of the damage that ‘it might cause’ – too scared because they have been made to think that they are alone – too scared also, because there abuser is now getting profile, is in a public position, is gaining power, in whatever way – whether its twitter followers, platform, role or status. Too scared also, because they know that their abuser will have a created fan club – who ride on their sympathy for them. So – the places where the trail has been left – stay silent. For the moment. But- there is a trail. (and theres a legal system thats expensive too)
And others dont come forward…because they say they dont want to be part of the drama – their silence benefits the abuser.
The trail can be so shocking – that silence is kept – because no one thinks you’re going to be believed. Stories that movies are made of in the years after. If it takes a year to get evidence from a high profile garden party, even in a mass communication age, no wonder other cases have taken years to get to court. But because no one suspected anything at the time – no one was looking…
“they couldn’t do that – they’re a (insert respected profession) ‘
‘I cant believe a ‘Mother’ would do such a thing’….
‘Thats just _____ being ____ – you cant change them
‘Aren’t you just being paranoid – say one of your ‘friends’ to you…
See how the trail is kept hidden away? See how those who have had experience of the trail are kept silent?
Since many psychopaths deceive close family and friends – the victims who are there easiest to target and pose the least risk for psychopaths – they remain undetected and can continue
The pattern is very common – Psychopaths have a parasitic lifestyle. They enjoy eating at nice restaurants but it is you that foots the bill. (a literal example in many cases)
The psychopath thinks they have a right to commit these transgressions since they stand above all the rest of us
Thomas Erikson Surrounded by Psychopaths (2019)
Hidden away, there are trails of communications, emails, facebook messages, conversations – where so many tiny or maybe large sprinkles of lead are left, grey and smouldering from them. That rely on someone putting it all together. Jimmy Saville relied on none of the institutions talking to each other – and the BBC fame – so he felt untouchable – but he left a trail both of victims and also in every interview.
They leave a trail.
A trail that relies on many people piecing it together.
But theres something else.
Because control, power and winning are usually the modus operandi of abusers – as their trail gets bigger and effectively they get away with it from an early age – what they then do is boast about their trail. In the moment of questioning – they reveal how many companies they closed, how many partners they slept with, how many people ‘love them’. That boasting of their trail, of the damage they have done, forms part of a new trail – and is evidence of how confident they are that their trail is being maintained, hidden and kept quiet.
And more especially – its winning, power and control in the moment – every conversation and interaction is about these things. The trail doesn’t matter to them. They dont care anyone is hurting because of them, they just care about the moment – and winning in that moment. It seems odd to the rest of us who can see journeys and connections in our lives, and reflect and learn from the choices we made… We see this in the press all the time, the inconsistencies of stories about refugee and asylum seekers vs lack of people to pick fruit and Brexit. Its the story in the immediate vs the narrative over time. Abusive people rely on the moment – and no-one coming forward to piece together the pieces of a toxic jigsaw.
Apologies are what you say when you can see that what you did in the past was wrong. It relies on memory and awareness of consequence. Even when a trail is brought to the attention of authorities- when people have come forward – when evidence is shown – denials, mistruths, and still blaming others might still be the response. ‘Why did they come forward now’? ‘they’re just after my money?’ ‘they’ll ruin my ministry?’ ‘I dont remember doing that!’ .
They leave a trail. They always leave a trail. Often they are proud of their trail.
How do you deal with it?
Personally self awareness. Organisationally – education on emotional abuse and collective self awareness, and a load more besides. Its harder to see there trail when we’re in a rush. Its harder to see the trail when we’re not looking for it. Its harder to see the trail when we dont want to believe it exists.
The reality is that the trail is only what is able to be evidenced. Research has shown that survivors are usually factual, and that the truth – as high profile lawsuits are revealing – is that the extend of the trails is far far greater than what is known.
There is more to write on this I’m sure. But thats all for this piece.
Thank you for reading, this grim piece about the trails left by abusers in their wake, and how they deal with them, with the same patterns. I hope that this, and other articles and links on this website are helpful. If you can support me in this writing please do click the link, and do share with others links to the website and new facebook page.
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I will write other pieces on lighter subjects again, as this one took a while to write, bringing in examples from different examples of abusive situations.
There are resources in the menu above too, do take a look.
I have been reading ‘The Courage of Hopelessness’ by Slavoj Zizek (2017) , its a hard read but an interesting one. He tackles some interesting subjects , ranging from Brexit, The EU and in his last two chapters the responses to the US presidential election win of Donald Trump in 2016.
In this chapter he write the following:
‘Men are gradually turning into perpetual adolescents, with no clear passage of initiation enacting their entry into maturity (military service, acquiring a profession, even education) . No wonder then, that in order to supplant this lack, post-paternal gangs proliferate, providing ersatz-initiation and social identity.‘ (Zizek, 2017)
The section makes some fascinating observations on the nature of the figure Women adopt with in the capitalist ideal. However, it is the ‘Men as perpetual adolescents’ comment that I thought it fascinating to reflect on. Trump, being that archetypal perpetual adolescent.
‘Perpetual adolescent’ is an interesting phrase? What might that mean to you?
What characteristics might this be in reference to?
Someone with no self-awareness, taking no responsibility, quick to blame others, ‘spitting their dummy out’ , too much ego?, having little empathy, black/white thinking, not great at planning, impulsive, reactionary, rebellious non conformity, school yard bullying, getting what they want?
I’m reminded of this quote in a guardian article referring to the current prime minister ‘Remember what a teacher at Eton wrote to his father in 1982: “Boris sometimes seems affronted when criticised for what amounts to a gross failure of responsibility … I think he honestly believes that it is churlish of us not to regard him as an exception, one who should be free of the network of obligation which binds everyone else.” A justified retort, of course, would be that this is the exact mindset that Eton is designed to produce – but even in that context, Johnson seemed to be in a league of his own.’ (https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/dec/12/boris-johnson-crisis-contempt-covid-levelling-up?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other)
I might challenge Zizek on the point that not all adolescents are like this – many matured to quick, and many young people take lots of responsibility on, and challenge authority, make positive decisions etc etc… but the point is well made, I think..
In his book ‘Surrounded by Psychopaths’ Erikson suggests that CEO, Media and Sales are 3 of the top 4 professions where a psychopath might work – these are all roles created by capitalism, as Ronson describes in this fascinating and humorous TED talk. A psychopath is someone who shows no remorse, blaming others. Narcissists, closely related to psychopaths thrive in bewildering black/white, right/wrong dualistic thinking. Frederik Riberson describes this well in his videos here – are some of these consistent characteristics with ‘perpetual adolescent’ type thinking?
Maybe I’m making a few quantum leaps here, but is there more and more a Man crisis? – and does western capitalist society cause/create the environment where this is in even more evidence? Especially to be ‘successful’ within it – is to reject humane qualities – emotional intelligence, warmth, genuineness, complex thinking, empathy?
A piece in the Guardian this week said the following, in relation to male and female leaders:
Is this about mediocre men Bullying their way to the top? – The BJ’s of this world? The piece also encourages a different type of leadership, a feminine one. (and thank you Jenni Osborne for highlighting the article)
Is Mediocre man, the same as Adolescent Man? – probably.
What do you think? Is there a Man crisis?
There is a different man crisis – and that’s the considerable reality of suicide being the biggest killer of Men aged between 30-50 in the UK. That is most definitely a crisis. Might one crisis lead to the other?
Going it alone, and frightened to be called out – status to be kept – over kindness for themselves and others
Don’t be weak, don’t fail, must keep going, must make more money, strength is about winning at all costs….
and I get it, as a 43 year old male, I truly do.
In a book on Farming, and farmers have suffered significantly because of capitalism and resultant suicide, James Rebanks offers this, on the state of the environment, and also the human soul. For me it offers something in the remaking of the male.
Someone who knows the land our very food grows on, might just know something… i challenge you to reflect on this:
‘What will our descendants say of us, years from now? How will we be judged? Will they stand in the dust of a scorched and hostile world, surrounded by the ruins of all the exists today, and think that we , who could have saved the earth, were thoughtless vandals, too selfish or too stupid to turn back? will the future know us as the generation who pushed things too far, on whose watch the world began to fall apart, who had so little courage and wisdom that we turned away from our responsibilities ?
Or
Will they lie in the cool green light of the oak trees that we planted and be proud of us, the generation that pulled things back from the abyss, the generation that was brave enough to face up to its own flaws, big enough to overlook our differences and work together, and wise enough to see that life was more than shop-bought things, a generation that rose above itself to build a better and more just world.
This is our choice
We are at a fork in the road
There are a million reasons to believe that we are not big enough, brave enough or wise enough to do anything so grand and idealistic to stop the damage we are doing. We are choking to death on our own freedoms. The world of human beings is often ugly, selfish and mean, and we are easily misled and divided. And yet, despite everything, I believe we, you and I, each in our own ways, can do things that are necessary’ (James Rebanks, 2020, p266-267)
and as Zizek puts it:
The way to confront anxiety is to look at ourselves
Zizek, 2017, p281
Often its desperation, despair and the dive to the depth that causes the change to occur. Midlife awakening, crisis or breakdown – call it what you want to. Transformations do and can happen from within, and happen when there’s no choice but too. Only we, men can change. What do you think – is there a Mediocre Men crisis? And what questions might we want to ask ourselves, as men, deeply to be courageous, face our flaws and be brave to do the responsible thing?
Its time to face, fully the prevailing male crisis, and it starts with each of us, and it continues with our own boys.
James Ballantyne 