When I got triggered by something a few weeks ago I went into a bit of a spiral.
Downwards.
And I forgot.
My mind went into overdrive
The words, fears and punishments from my childhood got relived into my present.
Thats what trauma, childhood trauma, any trauma feels like.
Mind whirlwind.
Anxiety.
Thinking.
Over thinking.
And in the midst, I forgot.
I forgot because I had got consumed.
I forgot who I was, I became the frightened child, the frightened me, hiding and scared.
I didn’t even realise I was doing it.
I needed my fiancé to keep checking in and asking me.
The Trigger.
Did it matter what it was? No – but it was big one.
I spiralled downwards for at least 5 days. But tried to keep going and pretending.
During that time wrote a bit – publically
And wrote a bit privately – a lot of emotions out, alot
But I was still on edge. Even after beginning to realise myself in the present.
Beginning to regroup and rebuild
Telling myself, that I am safe, that I am enough, that I am stronger than I realise.
I did a great job of telling others too, but I needed to hear myself.
But ultimately, it wasn’t what I wrote, what I read
The things I needed to know.
I had to learn again, and again that I didnt have to suffer alone – and my lovely Christelle sat with me on times, affirmed that I was having a trauma reaction.
Affirmed that what I was going through was trauma anxiety.
Taking me back to the past, unable to rest in the moment
Unsettled.
I forgot and also I resisted, I resisted to do the very things that I knew would help
So I did all the other things, like comfort eat, excessive cleaning, distractions.
Part of me was anxious, so I listened to that part
Part of me was also resistant to and didn’t want to get rid of the anxiety, it was loving the attention
Two weeks of the swirl, back and forth, heart racing, forgetting to breathe.
Forgetting my safety
Forgetting the journey to this point
Forgetting and being over taken by mymind racing
Forgetting my power
Forgetting myself
Yet in the midst of last Thursday, in the afternoon, I somehow did something that I remembered.
Yes I had began to regroup the preeceding few days. Get myself out of the swirl
I remembered EMDR.
Something my therapist taught me.
Something I had barely needed or used for a long while.
So I sat down
Breathed
Closed my eyes
And for a few minutes listened to my breathing
and tapped either side of my shoulder blades, first quickly, then slower.
Breathing too.
Why had I forgotten EMDR? In the midst of a severe trauma reaction, I forgot a lot.
The part of me that wanted pain to remain dominant raced – Tolle calls this the Pain-Body -the ego.
Anxiety induced forgetfulness
And what happened.
Since I did EMDR, my brain completely stopped the anxiety patterns. And it has done ever since.
The descending of calm on me.
Calm. Utter calm.
A reordering of the neurones and programming, that no amount of writing, eating or other externals would have changed. Almost miraculous to be honest, and virtually instant.
Incredible. Its as if my entire mind has shifted. To a new place. One that isn’t racing.
I can breathe.
Literally 5 minutes of EMDR. After 2 weeks of trauma responding. Panic and Anxiety.
On one hand I could be annoyed I didnt do EMDR within a few days, on the other the trigger did give me the opportunity to work through some things- part of me that needed to heal.
Maybe I need to have mental notes around my flat – remember the good practices. Remember EMDR, or Yoga, or other good trauma healing practices. Especially when in the midst im likely to forget.
Recognising that recovery from a lifetime of abuse is seriously hard work, so im not beating myself up, but noting what trauma and anxiety does to the memory in the present, and how it created in me resistance to wanting to, and conscious memory of what I needed to do in response.
How a trauma reaction caused me to forget – and highlight what I might need to do to remember in the future.
James Ballantyne 