James Ballantyne

Tag: emotional regulation

  • Talking with Respect, gentleness and care….to myself.

    Men… Can you remember when your voice broke? What did that feel like? How old were you? I remember that I didnt want to talk for a few weeks or months because I was so self conscious about how it would sound, I also hated that it was noticed by everyone, so I stayed quiet. There was a change, a weird change. How I communicated changed three times, from child voice, to breaking unpredictable changing voice, to changed voice, in a few months.

    I noticed something about my walk last week.

    It is this.

    My Voice changed again recently. But it wasn’t my external voice.

    It was my inner one.

    I used to give myself a good talking to.

    Especially if I had done something wrong. Especially if I had made a mistake.

    Especially if id got embarrassed by something

    Especially if id been made to think id made a mistake, or misunderstood, or not met another persons needs, and been punished for it.

    I would beat myself up.

    In the way I would talk to myself.

    The strongest voice inside, was the voice of the perfectionist-critic.

    My inner voice was the voice of my own media company.

    Critic, Perfectionist…

    Not only was I emotionally neglected and beaten up by others, my inner voice assumed that I was responsibility. Why… because I had no reference to know that what I experienced by others was their problem. Or that I could be treated better.

    So it had to be me. I had to be the problem. My Fault. Because Women are always right..arent they? So it had to be me.

    What kind of things would I have heard myself say to myself?

    You’re not good enough

    You dont deserve any better

    You can survive, just keep going

    Why didn’t you think of that?

    You can do better

    You should do better

    You let yourself down there, James, and God too, you should be ashamed

    You should know this by now

    You should be able to do this

    Oh.. you really messed up again

    Look at yourself James, hypocrite.

    You failed at that one again

    You upset them, you silly boy.

    You need to be strong.

    Must rush, must do, must keep on, keeping on.

    It could be worse, don’t be ungrateful.

    Talking to myself, like I was my own worst enemy. Or just trying to numb and shut out what I felt.

    Beating myself up. Because that was the only way I knew how to process. Not being good enough, not being perfect enough, not being enough.

    Why did I notice this last week?

    Because the day after I had been for a walk, I reflected on how my inner voice has changed. Maybe its like it broke again. Broke by the process of digging deep, recovering and healing.

    I noticed that I could say to myself different things

    When I walked, I said things like:

    I can take myself out for a walk

    This is for me, I can be for me.

    I am grateful

    I am ok to feel

    I am ok- as I am.

    I am love and loved

    I can be, and breathe

    I can enjoy this moment, of the rain and mud

    I can sense myself

    and be proud of myself.

    I can have feelings and there’s nothing wrong with having them.

    I dont have to be perfect, I can do mess, I can play

    I can be slow.. I dont have to rush… I dont have to do everything

    I can have fun

    I can be happy

    I am.

    I am who I am and this is enough

    and more besides….

    I just noticed how the voice changed, it wasn’t the first time in the last few years that I have spoken to myself in this way. But it was just that I noticed the difference, how I used to be a critic and perfectionist, talking to myself like I had inherited voices from others. From self loathing, self denial – to self- reverence and self compassion. Was my inner guidance system the one I had created from the places of having to adapt as a child – abusive parents, evangelical religion, academia? Probably.

    Or maybe, and i’ll be kind to myself also, this was what I needed to do and be to survive emotionally. In my own head space, the place of thinking, over thinking and self criticism.

    It’s now safe for me to talk to myself in this way. Brave to be self- compassionate. To practice it and give it a go, to see how it feels, to have the feels.

    New green life forming from the old. New tender green shoots.

    What’s it like to be a supportive youth worker, be a friend even to myself, and do this, after agreeing with it. Doing it for myself. Because I am worth it. I am of value. I am.

    It was just good to notice the difference.

    Talking whole heartedly to myself. From broken to whole.

    If you’d like to learn more about Self Compassion, I highly recommend the beautiful book Heartwork by Radhule Weininger, a link is here Heartwork, also The Power of Now by Echart Tolle.

  • Resisting the urge to understand rather than be self- compassionate.

    If you’ve read my last two piece of writing in the last few days you will know that I have shared a little about self compassion, and in particular showing self compassion for my self critical nature.

    It would be very tempting for to try and understand the roots of my self critical nature – and that’s exactly what my ‘little professor’ adult thinking self wants to do. Understand.

    I could spend a few hours or days on working all this out. To be honest, if you’ve read my story (in the menu above) it wouldn’t be difficult to assess. Safe to say childhood wasn’t a place of praise, support or encouragement (that would lead to big headedness), it wasn’t a place to relax and feel gratitude, but a place of revolving around the needs of the dominant emotionally immature parent (s).

    I learned to rely on myself intellectually, and go ‘into’ my head.

    Im writing more now on this than I actually was going to. So ill stop.

    Because in a real way, understanding the root, has been done already.

    I dont need to go back, not this time. Not again.

    Im not here to blame.

    Ive resisted the urge today, this week to blame, and go back.

    Instead.

    Ive stayed in the present. Today.

    Because self compassion, isn’t about understanding and trying to work it out

    Self compassion is being a friend to myself now.

    Tending, loving and being gentle with myself now.

    Resisting the head knowledge of the root of my critical nature

    Instead sitting in the power of the present.

    So ive written a whole lot more today, that you won’t see, but that’s for me, tender to myself, friend to myself, loving myself.

    Feeling the space around my heart, body and soul for love to be encountered

    Warmth of self love, listening to the slow breath

    Giving myself respect and reverence. Time and space.

    Telling myself that I am enough, that I can relax as myself

    I dont need to perform, not even now

    Just be, who I am, and not strive for something else.

    Not have to prove something. Not have to meet expectations

    Embrace the feeling of warmth, resting in the infilling

    I dont need to know where it comes from – it was what I needed to do to survive, and that in itself is to be thankful and warm towards.

    But now, I can rest, in myself, as I am.

    In her chapter on Self Compassion for the Self critical (which ive read, felt and embraced its power four times this week) Radhule Weininger writes:

    ‘Often as you open your heart, feelings of kindness, compassion, forgiveness and generosity well up naturally and flow outward in widening circles…

    Your habit of self depreciation and self reproach can be healed by daring to look inwards and holding your inner experience with understanding, gentleness and care’

    Heartwork (2017)

    I need not be self investigative, but self therapeutic, giving unconditional positive regard for myself.

    Being a friend to myself. What does that feel like?

    Being a friend to the present.. here and now

    Unlearning the critical learned part, lifting it with warmth

    Being at peace with myself

    Show up to myself.

    Practicing all of these things, day by day, experience by experience, situation by situation. A self compassion path isn’t one towards perfection, but wholeness.