James Ballantyne

Tag: feelings

  • Realising that Now I can be Happy.

    If only

    If only this happened, then I would be Happy

    If I bought this, I would feel complete

    If I achieved this..It would bring me wholeness

    If someone else did well at something – I would be joyful

    If my team won- then I would be happy

    If only

    If something.

    Until the last few years I lived my life in a state of future thinking of happiness.

    Until the last few years I avoided my current state of presentness

    Until the last few years I delved deep into my inner mind workings to survive the past things.

    Mind engaged

    Feelings switched off

    Future life will sort it

    a new job, a team victory, a day out, unexpected money, success, academia…

    Living only for a future to arrive that never arrived, whilst being trapped in a mind prison of the past and having no grip on my own feelings. Was like a prison with a door that never opened, and I had no access to a key.

    An imagined future happiness, lost in the present, and fearful of dealing with a past that I had tried to switch off from.

    This will make me happy. Nope.

    This will bring moments of unexpected joy – yes, glimpses, moments.

    The one off moments that circumnavigate my ever working mind, my overthinking brain to hit me where it hurt. Briefly.

    The breakdown summer in which I cried alot.

    Did not know

    Couldn’t think my way out of it.

    Had to live from a dormant, bruised heart, that was screaming to be acknowledged.

    Yet in the moments of breakdown, the world starts to change.

    I already saw the flowers, but now they were signs of gratitude and hope, I saw what was colour in the everyday.

    The Rainbow. That appears in my flat window, as I write this.

    Feint against the grey clouds

    Moments of the now.

    Glimpses.

    Tomorrows happiness rarely came, because I expected too much of it. I needed the future to do something for me, that was impossible.

    ‘When will you be happy’? Was a question I was asked one time.

    It wasnt just slowing down that I needed to do

    It was just breathing

    It was being.

    In the moment.

    I couldn’t think my way into feeling something that had to be felt, and I am beginning to realise, that I feel in the now. It is when my mind stops and I allow myself to feel, to listen to my heart speak.

    I noticed that I stopped needing things. I enjoyed things, but didnt need them to do something beyond what it was meant to do.

    Maybe its mindlessness and not mindfulness.

    What might it mean to be fully present and in the now?

    and.. if its not now – when.. might that be for you?

    Am I excited about something happening tomorrow, or something in a month, or Christmas coming up?

    Yes, of course, but do I need that thing to make me happy?

    Healing for me, was less about understanding what happened, but about the beginnings of the undoing of what I did to cope and survive through it. Because now I’m not needing to survive and cope, I dont need tomorrow. I have today. I have now.

    And now it full of colour, its even more so when the greyness and clouds break away.

  • 2 years of being able to breathe

    I realised this week that I’ve been able to breathe for 2 years now, these were the first two years I’d been able to breathe in my whole life

    I remember when I walked into the flat 25 months ago and being emotional in front of the estate agent. Realising that this was going to be my space, my space to look after, my space to look after myself in, my space , haven, calm

    My space, to make home. To light candles, listen to music, read, and enjoy life in my own pace.

    My space to determine boundaries of what I listen to, read or who I allow in

    My space to look forward to coming home to after leaving it

    My safe space

    I can breathe

    Stop and slow down

    41 years of emotionally abusive home space, with 2 in-between of working/living in houses with gap year teams, with me being the ‘responsible’ one

    2 years of being able to breathe

    2 years of being enough, 2 years of listening to my heart, 2 years of not having to revolve around the often crazy unpredictable needs of others, 2 years of being just me.

    2 years of healing from the 41 years previously

    2 years of starting to see

    Healing requires time, safety and connection, and in the process, self determination to make decisions, take control, for me about putting myself first, making decisions for my own good.

    It makes me stop and realise quite how unhealthy places are when breathing isn’t possible. When eggshells are the only floor covering and avoiding fighting or fawning conflict is the only reality. That’s not to mention lies and gaslighting, and trying to constantly work out who the crazy one is.

    It’s worth saying here, if you’re the one creating eggshells for others in your relationships, or family, through manipulation, control, bullying and neediness then maybe decide to give it up. You can change. Problem is, that you’re unlikely to read this. But…

    If you’re not breathing you’re not living, you’re just surviving. I was just surviving all my life. Ignoring every attempt of my heart to make itself known. Just surviving. Bouncing from one crisis to another. Fawning over the needy anger of toxicity.

    Breathing for 2 years, learning to be me. Realising who ‘me’ is.

    As I write I’m on holiday, camping in the rain, and up to now, my few holidays have been busy ones, climbing, walking, city breaks, and I’ve filled my days. Today I’ve tried to do what I am learning to do in my home. To stop and enjoy a ‘doing nothing’ day.

    Yes I’ve walked a short distance,but no rushing for trains , or climbing hills, just a short meander to the village a walk by the river and now just time reflecting on it as I write this, in a tent in the rain.

    In the past I realised that I struggle to slow down, in the last two years I’ve realised quite how much I’m able to slow down.

    Business was my ongoing distraction. Busy work, busy hobbies, busy. It’s no wonder that I’d wait to get ill during Christmas holidays only, when I had the time and my body relaxed. This was the pattern since childhood.

    Learning to slow down

    2 years of being in and feeling like being home.

    Safe

    Rest

    Breathe

    I’m sure I have more healing to do, as more layers are uncovered, as I listen more to my inner child, as I draw, write and play. But for now, a mark to note two years of being able to breathe, and feel new life, growth and change.

    Thank you to all friends and family alike in their support and encouragement to me in these last 2-3 years, and to Christelle whose healing, loving kindness is a joy

  • Learning the power of ‘No’

    Learning the power of ‘No’

    One of the earliest and hardest decisions I had to make, aged 19, was to say ‘No’ to someone.

    Its not surprising though because often in Christian ministry/youthwork No can be one of the hardest words to say.

    No, actually you are not suitable for this ministry

    No, I dont think this job is for you

    No, you have not really fulfilled what was expected of you in your probation

    No, I actually dont have the time to do this

    No, my time is more important

    No.

    No. (might just be a complete sentence)

    No, and without an excuse.

    No is difficult when you are used to saying Yes.

    No is difficult when the desire to people please is strong.

    No is difficult when you are scared of the person asking.

    No is difficult when ‘we have to think the best of people’ .

    No is difficult when ‘if no one else is going to do it ill have to’

    No is difficult because it asks us to go against the yes.

    No is difficult because its harder work, isnt it

    No is difficult because it means being brave.

    No is difficult because it often means standing up for something

    No is difficult when compliance is rewarded.

    No means not being nice:

    But sadly, we hold onto our childhood beliefs and we continue to associate no with being dislikeable, bad-mannered, unkind, or selfish. We worry that if we say no, we will feel humiliated, guilty, or ashamed, and will end up being alone, rejected, or abandoned.

    https://tinybuddha.com/blog/stop-saying-yes-want-say-no/

    When NO, This cannot go on

    When NO, I am going to take responsibility

    When NO, This is hard, but its what I believe in.

    When NO, trusts our gut, instinct, passion, it says YES to ourselves. Our real selves.

    I have found that I’m often relieved after I say no.

    I didn’t make a no decision that had that much significance to me, it had more significance to someone else.

    A yes now, might mean putting off a no that someone else has to make.

    But other times I have said yes, to survive. Other times I have said yes and denied the feelings inside that were screaming for attention. In survival mode. Pretend mode. Scared mode.

    No means boundaries.

    No means I am worthy and my time is valuable.

    Saying no to others, means saying yes to ourselves.

    What does ‘Yes’ to myself look like?

    It looks like self care. Valuing my time.

    It looks like working on myself.

    It looks like listening to myself.

    It looks like stopping. Pausing. Realising I couldn’t go on, going on.

    It meant signing up for therapy.

    It meant being true to myself, but first helping me hear myself.

    Yes to myself. No to others.

    Loving myself, like loving my neighbour. Not just the latter.

    Helpful Tips for Saying No

    • Be direct, such as “no, I can’t” or “no, I don’t want to.”
    • Don’t apologize and give all sorts of reasons.
    • Don’t lie. Lying will most likely lead to guilt—and remember, this is what you are trying to avoid feeling.
    • Remember that it is better to say no now than be resentful later.
    • Be polite, for example, saying, “Thanks for asking.”
    • Practice saying no. Imagine a scenario and then practice saying no either by yourself or with a friend. This will get you feeling a lot more comfortable with saying no.
    • Don’t say, “I’ll think about it” if you don’t want to do it. This will just prolong the situation and make you feel even more stressed.
    • Remember that your self-worth does not depend on how much you do for other people. (From Tiny Buddha)

    I find it easier to say yes. I know why this is. It makes and has made saying no, when no means trusting and listening to my own feelings so difficult.

    My own healing is helping me to listen, and know that I can trust those feelings, to say no. And its ok to say no.

    Think about it another way, yes when meaning no, is only a lie to myself.

    A healing No, might make a Yes more true and authentic.

  • Why we’ve got to try and feel our feelings, not think our way out of them

    Its easier to say….’I know’

    I know that 

    Its easier to say … ‘I think’

    I think that

    Its easier to say …’I am…’

    I am annoyed

    Its easier to say ..’I cant..’

    I cant do this anymore

    Its harder to say ‘I feel..’

    As I I feel sad, I feel happy, I feel good… when ____ happens

    Not ‘you made me feel’ or ‘you should feel’ – having someone else to blame, or dictate our feelings, but ‘I feel’

    I feel fine covers a lot though doesn’t it…How Are You? Broken Sad Lonley Hurt Upset Alone Depressed Suicidal Angry Hateful Breaking Down Screaming Dead Empty Nothing Crying Shouting Giving Up Hiding Wearing a Mask Cutting Horrible Down Holl Worth

    It was recently said to me that in the conversations about men and emotions, that its not that men dont feel emotions, but that they lack the language to describe and articulate them. I look at my own life, and wonder when I could, or felt safe to, express how ‘I feel’ or ‘felt’ about anything. It strikes me as ironic, as during a time when I was helping young people explore emotional literacy in some mentoring work, that I numbed my own pain, that I had no handle on, or no experience of doing this myself. I know about emotional literacy, is vastly different to me being able to say ‘I feel’ .

    You quickly learn as a child not to worry about your own emotions, when there’s more emotional people in the family to care for, when you’re on tenterhooks all the time. You learn to ignore feelings. Thats what I did. Switch onto full on survival mode.

    Yet at the same time I thought I was self aware. I wasn’t.

    If Daniel Coleman is to be believed, its about being aware of our mood and our thoughts about that mood (emotional intelligence, p 47) He says when we say ‘this anger I am feeling’ is more freeing than trying to deny someone the right to feel angry. Growing up in a ‘shouldn’t feel’ emotions culture, let alone a coping with other persons over emotional state culture, denies the healthy growth of emotional awareness, of the self.

    Research has shown that those who accept and are aware of their emotions, are more likely to feel both good and negative ones, than people who distract, deny and suppress emotions. Coleman writes, the more we notice in terms of emotions, the richer we are emotionally.Emotional Intelligence For Dads And Kids - The Dad Train

    But what about not being able to express or articulate emotions. A case study in Colemans book talks about the man who literally had flat, colourless emotions, who ‘lacked the words’ for feelings, and whilst he goes on to state (in 1996) that further research is needed on this (it might be done by now) he and others were drawn to the significant amount of people who literally could not feel and why this was the case.

    I like this line, on the back of their preliminary findings then..

    if you could put words to what you were felt, it was yours

    and that, as they said was the problem to those who couldn’t feel or have no words for them, they couldn’t own their own feelings. Often, that just meant feeling other peoples.

    I feel….. well what doing I feel. What do you feel?  and, Men, I address you, to  ask that you take notice of, and allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to feel, and try and articulate the feeling, saying I feel angry, happy, blissful, calm, or feeling anxious, tired, hot, aroused…

    or any one of these… practice saying, feeling, acknowledging them..I will..

    Today I Feel... Poster - FREEBIE by The Vibrant VA Studies Shop and More

    Saying I feel isn’t weak.

    Its so hard work that it requires strength. Ignoring I feel is so so much worse.  I get if you cant. I get if you cant because its buried under hurts and trauma. I know. But admit that too, and prioritise talking, therapy and loving yourself to be fully you.

    ‘I think’ was always an easy get out for me. ‘I know’ was too. Hide emotions because not being in a safe place to express them, or to peel off the layers to experience them.

    To be more me, Im going to try and speak from my heart and say I feel.

    Its not too late to start. I owe it to myself, and everyone around me.

    This may help:

    How “Feeling Your Feelings” May Help Improve Your Relationship with Food — Michelle Vina Baltsas