What does it mean to ‘let go’?
What does letting go mean, when the damage has been so great – from people who are supposed to be anything but this?
I thought I had let go of them, one time, but I was running away scared
Ran away as far as I could – geographically and physically – but running scared of them
Running away was all I thought I could do
But
Running away is pretending
Running away wasnt wanting to face
Running away when I couldn’t articulate it
Running away was saying things like ‘I didnt have a bad childhood’
Running away wasnt being true to the self I was
Frightened James running away.
Thats not letting go.
‘They did this to me’
‘Its their fault I’m like this’
I cant change who I am and ill blame them
Thats not letting go either
Thats accepting that nothing can change
And im just their continual victim
Letting go, means not holding on
Not holding on to the pain they caused
or the excuse that I can give them
Keeping the pain close
Letting go, means letting that go
Noting it, seeing it, feeling it, unescapable moments and reminders
Opportunities to keep healing, not holding
letting go – and letting go of the shame,
The shame of things I needed to do to cope and survive
The shame that I felt responsible for fixing them, soothing them
The shame of not meeting their expectations
Guilty by dissociation.
The shame of being theirs. Their son.
Identity shame.
Letting go – means not holding on, means not running away, means releasing responsibility and giving it to someone else
Letting go – and knowing that I am enough, I have a voice, I have needs and I am free
Letting go – facing, accepting and making changes to protect myself
Letting go – is that what forgiveness is? Forgiving myself for what I put myself through..because of them?
Letting go – of their effects being my story
Letting go – of having them take more power in my life and future
Letting go – and being strong
Letting go – of any myth of normal
Letting go – expectations of pleasing or meeting their needs
Letting go – and loving myself
Letting go- and valuing myself
Letting go – and releasing the pain
Letting go – and making myself light again
Letting go means being the sky and not on their cloud
Letting go – to discover myself
Letting go – to be the me I should have always been
Letting go
To breathe clean air
To think clean thoughts
To be in the present
It’s time.
Its time to not carry any longer.
The inability or rather unwillingness of the human mind to let go of the past is beautifully illustrated in the story of two Zen monks, Tanzan and Ekido, who were walking along a country road that had become completely muddy after heavy rains. Near the village a young woman was trying to cross the road, but the mud was too deep it would have ruined the silk kimono she was wearing. Tanzan picked her up and carried her over to the other side.
The monks walked on in silence. Five hours later, as they were approaching the lodging temp. Ekido couldn’t restrain himself any longer; ‘Why did you carry that girl across the road?, he asked ‘We monks aren’t supposed to do that’
‘I put the girl down hours ago, said Tarzan ‘ Are you still carrying her?’
Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth
James Ballantyne 