James Ballantyne

Tag: Healing

  • Hand in Hand, Soul by Soul

    Come take a walk with me,

    Walk through my suffering,

    Walk through my quiet silencing,

    Walk with me, and share my story

    Walk with me, so I get to talk too

    Hand in hand,

    Soul by Soul.

    Come take a walk with me

    Walk with me as I show my workings,

    Walk with me as I ask the questions

    Walk with me as I dream the dreams

    Walk with me as I lead the story

    Hand in Hand,

    Soul by Soul.

    Come walk

    Walk with me as I show you my heart

    Walk with me as I hold your hand

    Walk with me as I step one foot in front of the other

    Walking with the beat of my soul

    Hand in Hand

    Soul by Soul

    Walk with me into the lightness

    Walk with me into the darkness

    Walk with me where the voices fear to tread

    Walk with me beyond the knowing

    Hand in Hand

    Soul by Soul

    Walk with me, breath by breath

    Walk with me, beyond the rules

    Walk with me, under the trees

    Walk with me, into the moonlight

    Hand in Hand,

    Soul by Soul.

    Walk with me open handed,

    Walk with me, into the bliss,

    Walk with me,

    Take my hand.

    Love, Divine, Soul, Universe, God

    Walk with me

    Be me.

    Hand in Hand

    Step by Step

    Soul by Soul.

    James Ballantyne (2025)

  • Will you be brave and give love a chance?

    Will you be brave and give love a chance?

    One of the reasons we men dont want to deal with our shit is because we dont believe we have the capacity to love ourselves.

    In many scenarios, whether from driven, neglectful, absent or collusive, abusive parents, Love was absent, and instead rules and expectations.

    In School, that wasnt the place either.

    And then there was the competitiveness of existing, having to win at football, chess or reading, having to be the best, having to compete and complete…

    Having to grow up, having to stay strong, having to not be weak

    And all the while, that little voice inside, seemed to grow smaller and smaller, the trappings of externals whilst dying inside.

    Not believing in Love.

    Not knowing Love

    Unless conditional, unless dependent, unless loaded, unless

    Unless hidden even behind labels in sacred stories. Believe in God (who is Love btw) or Jesus, or Mohammad, or whoever, and have the strength and power of Love be hidden behind all of these, and even then, some of these institutions require loyalty or adherence (of rules, of routines) and preach love like its a strategy for expansion. Conditional love, and rarely love of the self, love of the body, love of the past, love of feeling, hurts or wounds. Just pray them away and come back for more, morality the enemy of growth, and maybe even the enemy of love.

    Or you chose a different path, another Vocation, Military, Farming, Teaching, Medicine… All where the purity of what you wanted to be, got lost in the system of numbers, discipline and rules.

    And the was presented as real. This is the real world.

    Dreamers and Artists those who love. Sensitive ones weak.

    Macho. Hurting. Insecure. Violence. Real Man.

    Ugh.

    Deny the hurt, hide it away.

    Soothe the pain by satirical comedy, busyness, the rat race that continually exhausts, failure for the weak, vulnerability for the soft.

    Cultural masculinity at its best. Show no pain. Keep going.

    Until the cracks appear. Until desperation. because:

    If theres no such thing as Love, then it doesn’t matter does it. Beat up your wife, beat up yourself, steal, take and destroy, because Love is absent, Love isnt real, Love is just once a year, and your loveless head, can’t cope with not being in charge. Its running a show thats destroying you, but because you dont believe in Love, you can’t believe that you have to capacity to love, then you dont face it, you can’t, its too fucking big and painful and you think that it looks weak, or a failure, or your mates will think you weird, or you dont have time, or you dont have….

    Deep down its fear.

    Fear…that Love might actually be what’s required….

    Deep down it’s too much.

    You’d rather believe in power than believe in yourself.

    Deep down you have a heart, but its hidden under layers

    Deep down you have shared that heart to help others even whilst wounded yourself….

    Help….not heal….

    Its deep, because its underneath so many layers and blockages that youve put in there, pain soothers, pain avoiders, and these have caused further shame, guilt and pain – addiction, violence, manipulation – all outward projections of deeper hurt, masking anxiety, depression, abuse, the weight of expectation, perfection and trying to please, or make someone proud who is never satisfied – name your pain and add it here. ____________-

    All that stuff feels heavy and feels impossible to love. Shame monsters feel big. We know we’ve done wrong to others, to ourselves…to keep what’s hidden underneath at bay.

    Can I tell you a secret.

    You have the capacity to love yourself, if you are alive, you have a heart.

    You have the capacity to be vulnerable, to ask for help, to begin a different path

    To shed the masks, the fake strength, the keeping going, the weight if pain and suppression, the false appearances that are aching at your soul.

    The very first time I felt a surge of self love and realised a feeling of true self worth was the day I decided to go to therapy. A tiny step of bravery and fear, a tiny tiny shard of self love, to begin the very beginning step of facing and bringing hurt and pain to light. It’s not for everyone, and I needed a safe place to start.

    Most of you will have that, somewhere, and trust me on this, you might need new friends, or new people who can be your cheerleaders, or have ‘been there’ – once you begin this path, you’ll be surprised who shows up and where it takes you.

    Because you can.

    Healing isnt weak, it’s the bravest thing you can do.

    Sometimes we’re so addicted to the cycle of pain and denial that we wear it like a cloak, preferring blame and victimhood as a norm.

    Dont believe me when I say you can love yourself?

    You dont have to. Thats your choice.

    But stay in unbelief and stay as you are, and nothing changes.

    Love is such a powerful force in the universe and stronger than you think.

    It’s been there all along. Aching to be listened to….maybe it’s time to let it.

    You have the capacity to love yourself, because Love is you.

    It’s been you all along.

    And…..it will save you in the end.

    You just were told otherwise, and believed in it to conform, to hide.

    Yeah, and this all has in some ways applied to me.

    We are all in this together.

  • Seeing Yourself Clearly.

    Seeing Yourself Clearly.

    There will come a day when you stop believing in your own smallness.

    The great suppression that you were colluded into, when you played small to stay safe, when you played small to get paid, when you played small, played the part of the extra in someone else’s drama. Hiding your gifts, hiding your voice, hiding your immensity, chasing love, chasing one more thing to something other than a gnawing sense of inner tiny.

    In stormy waters you are going to feel small, and those who want you to feel inadequate, ashamed, powerless, guilty often keep chucking the stones into your pond, or start up the wave machine, or turn the water into acid, gently corroding you bit by bit. For some, you born into a pond full of nasties, creatures roaming in the deep, heavy rocks, and tiny little vulnerable you, barely able to breathe as the water around surrounds, swallows and tumultuates.

    You cannot see yourself when dodging the rocks, trying to swim, trying to stay alive and afloat, your concentration and energy is on staying alive and afloat – whatever it takes, and colluding with their small opinion of you is one such way. You have to believe your parents view of you, because you require them to feed you, or your partners view if they’re threatening you, or the places of escape and safety from these, jobs, churches, whatever, when you’re in need of a rescuer or saviour, you’re also vulnerable.

    One storm after another, and the great collusion continues, small you rages in the corner like a jack Russell at a vegetarian ball. The great suppression erodes so much that if you can’t believe it when you are believed in, or it feels uncomfortable, or it is dismissed and denied. Believing in our own inferiority, self oppression, and all of a sudden the stone thrower has won.

    John O Donahue writes about the different ways of sight we have, and in considering how we might have an inferior eye, as we look at ourselves we might say:

    To the inferior eye, everyone else is greater. Others are more beautiful, brilliant and gifted than you. The Inferior eye is always looking away from its own treasures. It can never celebrate its own presence and potential. The Inferior eye is blind to its own secret beauty. The human eye was never designed to look up in a way that inflates the other to superiority, nor to look down reducing the other to inferiority

    John O Donohue – Anam Cara

    I lived for so long small. Feeling weak, small and inferior on the inside. Feeling shame for having needs, feeling shame for my body, shame and belittled for having emotions, others upset internalised as my fault and responsibility, and carried all of this from childhood into adulthood, carried on the ongoing wings of various incarnations of faith that required me to stand small inside in the face of the all powerful God, and still continually feel inadequate or a sinner, on a constant loop of need, fuelling my inner smallness and insecurity, and giving me far too many reasons to stay feeling small inside. God perfect, me inadequate.

    When we forget our own immensity, or we have been conditioned from birth never to have it, it’s a long road to find realise it, because its not trusted, its not just self care we need, but self trust is harder to find. When we act from self smallness we are desperate, needy and tossed around on other peoples waves, unable to see ourselves, looking out for others – approval, acceptance, protection…

    Lovingness and Compassion alone dont produce insight. They smooth the waves of emotions. When those waves of grief, pain, lamentation, worry, fear and anxiety, envy, jealousy, dislike and resentment have finally come to rest, there is a clear reflection without any obscuring ripples in it, like a mirror, the mirror of the mind. That mirror of the mind makes it possible to get a clear vision

    Ayya Khama- Being Nobody, Going Nowhere.

    Safety comes first, emotional safety. Then feeling all the feelings, the grief, pain, envy etc have come to rest, they are not avoided, dismissed or sidelined, they are felt. Beyond the rage and tears, and in the place where you can ride the stones, if they can’t be avoided or escaped from…yet.

    In the place of rest is a clearer reflection.

    When we don’t believe it when someone tells us that we are incredible and beautiful, we need to be angry about those who have convinced us into feeling small.

    Once you stop making yourself small to fit into others.

    Once you stop agreeing with their insecurity, because they have to coerce you into staying small.

    Once your small thought is given the redundancy slip. That job is not required anymore.

    You realise, tiny step, by tiny step

    That inside you is huge.

    Divine, Universe, Consciousness in its expanse

    No apologies for being you darling human.

    The dawning of your new large inner age is upcoming.

    Time to rise, time to live.

    From brokenness to wholeness

    A new beauty arises when you finally believe.

  • You Can’t force your Jigsaw (But do open the box)

    You Can’t force your Jigsaw (But do open the box)

    Each of us has bits of us that we dont really like. Theres the bits of us that got damaged by our parents or family when we grew up, whether this was abuse, neglect, abandonment, the choices of our parents and the hurts of these. Theres the bits of us in school, the parts where we adapted, the parts of us that we’re wounded, hurt. Theres the parts of us that we’d rather not talk about in polite company, the parts of us that turned to sex or drugs or alcohol or something other to soothe the pain, or the parts of us that hid away, the parts of us that acted in fear, anxiety, acted in vengeance and transferred inner anger from parents or jobs, onto partners, children or pets. Theres the parts of us that made choices when in survival mode, choices to be busy, choices to give to others from neediness, choices to take advantage of others, choices not to view another persons dignity and humanity, only as a service t our own. Then theres choices and actions in denial, to run away from dealing with the pain, to avoid it, to hide it.

    We all have them.

    Your pain might feel huge. But you are definitely not alone.

    All making our heart, our mind, our bodies…feel not quite right, or very quite wrong, or just stuck, or weary…

    All with a root of shame, or guilt or anger.

    And we would rather not go there.

    Then theres that inner voice that accompanies them all.

    Shame, Loathing, Guilt, Perfectionism, Control, Fear… all protecting the parts, all making a good argument for ‘not going there’ .

    And so often the morality we encounter – the shame of what we encountered, or what we did, or what we didnt do, who we hurt… feels too much to accept, feels too much to be able to get real about.

    We’d rather hide than face the truth

    We’d rather mask and hide than go there.

    We’d rather continue on, with that ache inside, than give light and warmth to a state of being thats hurting ourselves and others, yet its doing exactly that, and we’re spinning out of control.

    ‘So often… Morality is the Enemy of Growth’ (John O Donohue)

    The moral obligation to look good

    The moral obligation to be strong

    The moral obligation to ‘battle’ through darkness (or sin)

    The moral obligation to not feel shame, is to not feel anything.

    Yet, as a result that ache and pain haunts like a shadow, becoming more and more entrenched when challenged.

    I know. I didnt want to go there. Trying to keep a status quo whilst dying inside and running away from the pain, and the shame of what I was doing to soothe it. Until I cracked between it all, and lost everything, and yet…. realised that when everything was lost, I found something much more precious… eventually.

    Because those parts of us we’d rather hide are like parts of a jigsaw, and along with our hearts, our minds and bodies, theres fragmentation and fracturing within, caused by all the damage, to us and by us.

    And jigsaws, especially those with brittle edge pieces dont fit or mould together with force. Like trying to get two cuttlefish pieces to interlock.

    Friend. It isnt an inner battle you have to win.

    Battles are for armies.

    It isnt a war on the inside between the parts, even if they are raging, and making a noise. Their voice is often so loud.

    Your wounded parts are part of you, but they aren’t you.

    You hold the blow torch.

    Your heart is the gas.

    Love is the flame.

    And your parts and their raw, pained, rugged edges, mould together not with force, but with love, love that powers, love that emirates, love that emerges from your heart….once you finally, surrender, accept and listen to its call. Love from within resolves fractures and pain. Its warmth that melts the edges and aligns them into your soul and heart, its love that unifies your fractures and fragments, Its love that brings wholeness.

    Being a friend to the parts of you, the shame of your past that you’d rather not admit to, is a path marked with the deepest, most passionate and erotic love you can imagine, making love to your inner parts, melting their pain away with tenderness that is possible, even if thats new.

    Pain leaves with tears, leaves in a warm car, on the road to your own soul, to be met with harmony and kindness.

    The darkness you’re doing a battle with, in that tough man masculine way, won’t leave until you and your armour back down, and instead surrender to heat, light and love, and yes, that means losing control.

    But right now your pieces feel all over the places and control is an illusion anyway, shards of temporary colour disconnected, carried in a box that doesn’t want to be opened.

    Dare you lovingly open the lid…. and may love guide you in the integration of your whole, melting, welding, searing and bringing you to a harmony within, harmony your soul is already grasping for in the moments of pain you’re trying to hide.

  • Keeping it real, some days are like treacle.

    I had one of ‘those’ kinds of days today. The kind of days I used to have a lot of, and the kind of days I never used to notice.

    Today I had one of those days when I just felt a bit ‘meh’ a bit ‘unsettled’ a bit ‘I had expectations to try and do a bit of writing and creative thinking and it didnt quite happen and so I was a bit frustrated’ days.. and then I got frustrated, because I was frustrated….

    I sometimes call them ‘treacle days’ – just a bit stodgy, for no real reason, when nothing happens, just that there’s an inner fight.

    But I realise, that I dont get them very often. Which is a nice thing to be reminded of..and thats why they’re unusual and help me stay a little in check, a little moment to remember my vulnerable new humanness with all its emotions having space to play.

    But the reason I get them at all, is that I realise that I am in a good place generally, and that not quite every day can feel calm, can feel easy – especially creatively easy, not every day feels like flow. But thats the thing. Its because I now I feel more feelings, that I can sense that there’s something not quite right.

    It may be absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things, not a big problem, but thats not what my inner critic wants to hear…… and when it starts to latch onto the tiniest of anxieties, or self doubts, or moments…

    The everyday ‘recovery’ from childhood trauma, and the associated behaviours, continues to be a daily, ongoing piece by piece listening, attending and loving these wounded parts, even if they might just be a bit of frustration……unsettled……

    And so, in a way I realise that I am grateful for the treacle days or treacles moments, because its a part of me thats alive, its apart of me thats allowed and safe to be wanting to tell me something, or do something.

    What I used to have was continual un-dealt with bottled up emotions so that every day was painted in survival stony grey. No treacle days as there was no contrast, just stoic grey, avoidance and dissociation and self soothing one day to the next.

    And back today, what I stopped myself from doing, which I have done in the past is attach the frustration with negative self shame talk like this:

    ‘Ive done all this therapy and healing, I shouldn’t feel like this’

    but thats not the reality is it. Most days are good, most days I feel alive, whole and in the main secure.

    But there are treacle days. Even, actually especially in the process of learning to be our loving whole selves….

    And treacle days or hours that require a little attention, a little love, and little bit of gratefulness, for the feelings, and thoughts themselves.

    So , instead of continuing the inner self fight, I moved, I went out, and I took myself off out for a walk instead, breathed windy air and sunshine, watched ospreys land, and watched as the lizards moved around my feet.

  • Breaking the Silence: Men’s Mental Health Matters

    As men, we’ve been conditioned for generations to believe that strength means suppressing our emotions. We’re told that being tough, stoic, and unshakable is the ideal. We’re encouraged to “man up,” to push through pain, to avoid vulnerability, and to believe that needing help is a weakness. This outdated notion is not only damaging to our mental health, but it’s also limiting our potential to live fulfilling, balanced lives.

    The reality is that mental health struggles don’t discriminate based on gender, and emotional pain doesn’t go away by ignoring it. If anything, it grows in silence. More than ever, it’s time for us to dismantle the toxic expectations surrounding masculinity and embrace the truth: it takes courage to heal.

    Here, I aim to create a safe, open space for men to address their mental health, explore their emotional well-being, and heal from the burdens that have been weighing on us for too long. Today, I want to share why this journey is crucial and how embracing healing is not just a form of self-care—it’s an act of strength.

    The Invisible Weight: Why Men Struggle in Silence

    For decades, mental health awareness has been dominated by female voices, and while this is an important conversation, the men’s mental health crisis often gets overlooked. According to a 2019 report from the Mental Health Foundation, men are three times more likely to die by suicide than women, and nearly 75% of suicides are committed by men. These numbers are not just statistics—they’re real lives lost to a silent epidemic.

    Why does this happen? Why are so many men silently suffering, often without reaching out for help?

    The answer lies in the societal pressures and deeply ingrained stereotypes about what it means to be a man. Many men grow up in environments where vulnerability is shamed, where emotional expression is seen as a flaw, and where “being a man” means never showing weakness. As a result, men often bottle up their feelings, ignore their emotional pain, and repress their mental health struggles, leading to a build-up of unresolved issues.

    But this approach doesn’t just lead to tragic outcomes; it also prevents men from achieving true emotional maturity. It stifles personal growth, strains relationships, and isolates men from the support networks they desperately need.

    The First Step: Acknowledging the Need for Healing

    It’s impossible to start a healing journey if we don’t first acknowledge that something needs to change. And for many men, that means recognizing the emotional pain they’ve been carrying and giving themselves permission to feel.

    The healing process begins with self-awareness. Whether it’s experiencing anxiety, depression, trauma, or just a general sense of emotional numbness, the first step is often the hardest—admitting that we are not okay. This can be a daunting experience, especially for those who have been conditioned to believe that “real men” don’t feel or express weakness.

    But the truth is, acknowledging that we need help is one of the most courageous things we can do. It’s a sign of self-respect, a commitment to bettering ourselves, and an act of self-love. It says, “I deserve to be well,” and, “I’m worth the effort it takes to heal.”

    The Power of Vulnerability

    I know that for many men, the word vulnerability carries a lot of weight, often invoking fear or discomfort. We associate vulnerability with being weak or exposed, but in reality, vulnerability is an incredible source of strength.

    Think about it: vulnerability is what allows us to form deep connections with others. It’s what lets us be real and honest, not just with ourselves, but with the people we care about. When we embrace vulnerability, we open ourselves up to healing, growth, and authenticity.

    Opening up about our feelings—whether it’s to a friend, a therapist, or a support group—doesn’t make us weak. In fact, it does the opposite. It takes immense courage to confront and express the emotions that we’ve been taught to hide. Vulnerability fosters trust, self-acceptance, and meaningful relationships. It helps us release the burdens we’ve been carrying in isolation and invites others to do the same.

    Im hoping that by sharing my story, I’ve encouraged men to lean into vulnerability. It’s not about airing our weaknesses—it’s about recognizing our humanity and giving ourselves the space to be imperfect.

    Seeking Help: Therapy, Support Groups, and More

    The road to healing is not one we have to walk alone. In fact, seeking help is a crucial step in the journey. For men, this may mean attending therapy, joining a support group, or talking to trusted friends or family members. The stigma surrounding therapy for men is slowly changing, but it’s still a barrier that many men face. There is a misconception that therapy is only for those who are “broken” or “weak,” but that’s simply not the case.

    Therapy is a tool for growth, not a sign of failure. It’s a space where we can explore our emotions, process past trauma, and develop healthier coping strategies. It’s a place where we can challenge the harmful narratives we’ve been told about masculinity and build a more balanced, authentic version of ourselves.

    Support groups can also be an invaluable resource. Many men feel isolated in their struggles, thinking they’re the only ones going through difficult emotions. But when we connect with others who share similar experiences, we realize we’re not alone. Support groups provide a sense of camaraderie and encouragement, and they help men normalize the conversation around mental health.

    The Benefits of Healing: Personal and Relational Growth

    Healing isn’t just about alleviating pain, often its about facing it—it’s about transforming our lives for the better. When we take care of our mental health, we improve our overall well-being, which has a ripple effect on all areas of our lives.

    1. Emotional Resilience: When we work through our emotional challenges, we build the resilience needed to face future stressors. Rather than feeling overwhelmed or defeated, we become more equipped to handle adversity with confidence and emotional maturity.
    2. Stronger Relationships: Healing allows us to show up more fully in our relationships. We become better partners, fathers, and friends when we prioritize our emotional well-being. By understanding ourselves more deeply, we can communicate better, set boundaries, and foster healthier connections.
    3. Physical Health: Mental and physical health are deeply connected. Chronic stress, depression, and anxiety can manifest in physical symptoms like headaches, digestive issues, and fatigue. When we address our mental health, we’re also improving our physical health, leading to a more vibrant and energetic life.
    4. Purpose and Fulfillment: Healing helps us reconnect with our sense of purpose. It allows us to align our lives with our values and passions, leading to a more fulfilling and meaningful existence. When we take care of our emotional health, we can pursue our goals with clarity and motivation.

    Taking Action: How to Start Your Healing Journey

    If you’re ready to embark on your own journey of healing, know that you don’t have to have all the answers right now. The process can begin with small, intentional steps:

    • Speak to a professional: A therapist can help guide you through your healing journey with personalized support. Look for a therapist who specializes in men’s mental health or general emotional well-being.
    • Open up to someone you trust: Sharing your struggles with a friend or family member can help alleviate the weight of silence. Even if it’s just starting with one conversation, it’s a powerful first step.
    • Join a support group: Finding a group of like-minded men who are on a similar journey can offer camaraderie and solidarity. You don’t have to face your challenges alone. Andy’s Man club is one in the north east.
    • Practice self-care: Healing isn’t just emotional—it’s also physical. Take care of your body by exercising, eating well, and getting enough rest. Self-care routines create a foundation for mental and emotional healing.
    • Educate yourself: Read books, watch documentaries, or listen to podcasts about men’s mental health. The more informed you are, the better equipped you’ll be to navigate your healing journey. I can recommend a lot in the resources section on this blog.

    Final Thoughts: Reclaiming Your Power

    As men, we’ve spent far too long holding onto the lie that emotional pain should be hidden, ignored, or suppressed. But healing is not only possible—it’s essential. By embracing our vulnerability, seeking support, and taking responsibility for our mental health, we can redefine what it means to be a strong, resilient man.

    Healing is an act of power, not weakness. It’s time for us to break the silence, step into our full humanity, and heal—not just for ourselves, but for the generations of men who will come after us. Often its crisis that takes us to this point, or the desperate calls of a loved one to face things, maybe it’s time for you, to lean in to the possibilities beyond and break up the surface cracks and find wholeness underneath, beyond the pain.

    Remember: You are not alone in this journey. You are worthy of healing, and it’s never too late to start.

    Confession. This article is 90% written by GPT, with a few additions. I genuinely wanted to see what it would write if I asked it to write a 1500 word piece on Mental Health and Men. So here it is. Whether it’s from AI or from me, the message is the same though.

    Your Mental health matters men, and you change before you break, or it’s too late. Do it for you, and all you love.

  • The Struggle….

    The Struggle…….is the healing

    The Struggle…..is the real

    The Struggle………is where darkness and soul clash their fists

    And where something wounded reveals its truest need

    The Struggle….is the moment

    The Struggle…..is the sign

    The Struggle…..is the place

    Where past and future rage for change

    In a present unlived

    The struggle…is the grind

    The struggle… is the tension

    The struggle …. reminds

    Where sharp and raw

    Pain recoils agains trust

    and protection from

    The Struggle ….is the opportunity

    The Struggle ….. is the gain

    The Struggle…. points

    to where there’s love that aching for you

    and something is in its way,

    Where a pillow is required

    and a scream

    and a cry and a fucking ‘wonder why’

    there feels no end, or feels no reason.

    Because its in the struggle

    where healing happens

    where the fight for love occurs

    and your soul is making itself desperate to love you

    awakening by awakening

    layer by layer

    pain by pain

    to reveal a power so deep

    it can cut through despair.

    The struggle….is the healing

    It’s the place.

    Where power is forged in the sparks of the grind.

    In the Struggle, there is gold.

    Treasure awakening from your soul.

    Let it rage

    Let it feel.

    The Struggle is the place…

    where wounds get loved to hope.

  • Life with c-PTSD

    I did something this week that I’ve never done before. 

    I googled, no, I read the wikipedia article on c-ptsd. 

    Here it is:  c-PTSD

    Because, not for the first time in my last few years, it has been something that my partner at the time identified that I might have, or be in the midst of navigating the symptoms of. 

    Currently this has been because I have had some very close encounters with my abusive childhood in the last month, and needed to ‘re group’ in the way I have needed to – to feel safe, EMDR, journalling, sensing emotions/thoughts and loving them, and myself. 

    I guess I had been reluctant to self identify with ‘having’ c-ptsd before. WHY JAMES? 

    Maybe because i just existed and what I had to deal with was ‘normalised’ .

    Maybe because I had to hide all experiences, and feelings, and knew that was my only choice to stay safe

    Maybe because I didnt feel the need to categorise what I suffer from in such a way…. yet, given that my childhood was about survival, and counting down the days until my 18th Birthday (and leaving home when I was 18 1/2 and never going back) and survival in a marriage of limited emotional health (I’ll be kind) or support, and no supportive parents to go to… trapped, wasnt the word …….. but it was what I was used to. 

    The story of my childhood and surviving it, amid psychopathic parents is here 

    I took on their weight of expectations, shame, guilt, I hid my emotions, self soothed, self harmed in a variety of less seen ways, and then to add this, adapted this into a religious belief that also created self-loathing, shame and high expectations. 

    That was what happened to me….. that I took on as being my fault, and my responsibility to fix. 

    But…. none of these things are in my life right now. 

    Even if they have got a bit close in the last few months, for reasons I cannot go into here. 

    Even with safety, even with the tools, even with the measure of control I have. 

    Doesn’t mean to say it hasn’t affected. Doesn’t mean to say it hasnt required work. 

    Thats the thing….. 

    The Trauma has gone. 

    But it doesn’t quite shift. 

    ‘I feel like I am an escaped prisoner’ 

    William Cartier Bresson 

    And it’s not the ‘wanting to go back’ – it’s that the magnet of its emotional pull fights to go back, fights to cause sinkage, stuckness and have the voices of despair, doubt, pain. Past takes over when present and future had been almost blissfully enjoying themselves for a rarity. 

    I didnt want to say ‘I have c-ptsd’ because well what difference would it make?

    and it would mean causing a fuss or a statement or recognition of this, as a thing. See how thats a symptom in itself. 

    But I do. 

    And the thing is, with what happened to me, and when, it has required a lengthy painful inner ‘journey’ to feel safe within, to feel safe without, to be able to feel emotions, and for my trauma brain to trust, its what Ive been doing and what I continue to do. 

    C-ptsd was my normal – it was a survival strategy. 

    And I lived in day to day trauma for over 40 years. 

    Yet. I wonder. 

    I wonder whether what happened to me, is not just for me any more. 

    What if it was something that might be a superpower to bring light and life to others? Not just a survivors gift….but a statement of what it is to be, to be fully human, and shine light

    What if the very thing that I had to be, to survive, is actually a strength and a superpower? 

    What might my story or my sense of being from the post-traumatic growth I’ve encountered in the last 18 months – from a life of abuse survival – might bring to others? 

    As I shine light on what I did to survive, as I bring light into the wounds, as I notice and love myself to my fullest, i just carry on doing this, and being able to live, grateful, honoured and joyful in the open possibility of a future. 

    I don’t need to label myself. 

    I am not a label or a diagnosis

    I just need to love myself. 

    I am me

    I just keep being in love with me

    one step and day at a time. 

    Mending the love pathways inside, where there was only fracture. 

    Maybe wounds are where the light wrestles its way in. 

    And those wounds keep opening every now and then, to reset and remind me, that I am someone now, I am love now, a trigger as a reminder that I can love myself….and a wounded part of me requires time, care and attention. 

    C-ptsd, might just be

    Compassion

    Powering

    Trauma to

    Step

    Down. 

    Because I am not my trauma. Nor am I my past

    And neither are you. 

  • The Longest Journey to make the Shortest Distance

    Ive been on what I call ‘Project James’ for over 6 years now, and in that time to heal from 40 years of manipulative abuse since childhood, including recovering from unemployment and homelessness.

    Internally, breaking down behind the ‘I’m doing ok’ facade, pretend strength but hollow and hurting inside, that had been my survival strategy since childhood, one that I thought was normal, a lifetime of running, avoiding or soothing, in a variety of destructive ways, oh and hoping that Jesus would deal with it, fix it and that ‘church’ would be my saviour.

    And thats just a summary.

    In summary, then, the last six years has included

    • 4 different bouts of therapy, including trauma therapy
    • Pages of journalling, raging and writing
    • Reading an extensive amount of self help books that encompassed:
      • Undertstanding narcissim, psychopathy and emotionally immature parents
      • Codependency
      • Self Understanding on Enneagram
      • Self compassion
      • Inner child work
      • Trauma – including Edith Eger, Victor Frankl, The Body keeps the score etc… 
      • Spirituality, including Eckhart Tolle, John O Donohue and others. 
      • Personal freedom, such as The four/five agreements, and The Untethered Soul
    • Walking and taking on a number of ‘slow’ hobbies
    • Writing, including my blog here

    It’s been a lot. A lot to try and understand myself, alot to be able to become more and more safe for me on the inside to be able to feel emotions, to be able to regulate and to face the pains and damage from my abusers, and also how I internalised and survived it all, and at the same time, work, earn, live and exist. 

    Yet, when I think about it, it’s been a long journey, to make a small distance considerably more healthy and whole. 

    It has been a long journey, in thinking, feeling and experiencing.

    To build connections where there once was fracture.

    To heal the holes, brokenness and wounded-ness between my head, my heart, and my soul. 

    The distance from I to myself. 

    An extensive work to heal a small amount of space.

    A journey I was putting off taking for far too long

    A journey I invalidated and avoided

    My thoughts that I believed, told me that I was too broken, too beaten, too frightened, to guilty, to shameful, too small, too weak, to make, and the journey

    Too big, too exposing, too tiring, too massive, too encompassing, too hard, too challenging and was also too invalidated by those around me, or my own beliefs 
    ( I needed more of Jesus, and not anything of myself….) 

    And a journey that didnt promise any outcome. 

    Didnt shout its reward. 

    Didnt have a map, or compass

    Or sometimes any directions

    It just needed to start. 

    And it started from being broken, started from the place of nothing.

    ‘For when she had nothing to lose, then she was free’ (Paulo Coelho) 

    It started as I changed, slowly, trusting in a moment of vulnerability, 

    ‘I have no home, will you look after me’ 

    When for so long I couldnt articulate weakness, vulnerability or be anything other than ‘the strong one for others’ … 

    The longest journey of the smallest distance started with being broken. 

    Started as my mind had run out of resources. 

    Coping wasnt living, especially wasnt coping in survival mode. 

    The packaging of life hadn’t fulfilled its ‘James hoped for’ expectations.

    Because the landscape on the inside was a barren mine- filled land of fear, terror, a landscape I was afraid of, that was dominating every action, every moment. 

    What I was afraid of held power over me. 

    I couldnt go there. 

    And yet…. as soon as I started the walk….. the universe provided…. angels in the form of spare bedrooms, kind words, walks, safety… beyond anything… safety. 

    And slowly, slowly I began to tentatively see, feel, walk in the landscape. 

    It was and is the journey of a lifetime, for it has been a journey of life. 

    Maybe the longest journey is the shortest distance, and how this is navigated shapes so much of our lives. 

    There are times of deep searching, deep disconnection, emotions and fear, yet I have been open to the possibility of healing and growth within it all, for nearly all of the time, yes some resistance… but old habits change hard…. 

    It was only the gap of the thoughts, 

    It was only the gap between heart and soul, 

    No distance at all….. 

    Yet an ongoing journey of love, of life and gratitude

    Towards a place beyond.

    Tentatively.

    Where life is and was all along.

  • Realising the inner Community

    Realising the inner Community

    Im a youth and community worker by profession, and so, words like ‘community’ have been bantered around for a long time, and trying to understand what they mean, there’s often talk of online community, or groups of people with shared values, purposes, aims or actions.

    It was always out there.

    ‘The Community’

    A group of people. An estate.

    Theologically, I learned about the community of the Trinity – Father, Son Spirit.. and spent far too long wondering if it was hierarchical or social, upwards or flat.

    Yet.

    The one community I was negating the treasure of, was the community inside.

    For inside, there is a restless community of treasure awaiting your finding, awaiting a safe time to make itself known, awaiting space to show itself in its energy, colour and brilliance.

    Neglected inner energy, thats been held back for so long, energy that comes from the heart, the soul and the mind.

    The Community within, with its parts, with its roles and jobs, with its functions.

    An inner community that awakens to the wonders, and curiosity of the childlikeness, seeks peace and stillness

    An inner community that seeks love, harmony and joy, and radiates them all too.

    An inner community that lets us know when its out of sync or out of kilter, when it’s fractured and disconnected, when it is not ok, and you’re not.

    An inner community whose communication to you is always love, always care, always for you – even to protect when it doesn’t need to, its still protecting.

    So, pause for a moment, and turn your gaze, your breath and your mind inwards and say hello to that inner community, the inner life, your inner reality.

    Community within, heart, mind and soul

    Feelings, thoughts and spirit

    Community on the inside

    Encircling power, harnessing it

    Taking you beyond.