As well as the space to discover what was good for me, to see the situation pdf my marriage, and childhood, in a new light, and to get therapy to help me with tools, part of my recovery and healing involved me discovering who I am.
Until then I had in the past done the odd personality test, but had done my best to invalidate it in my mind, filling in the answers I wanted to, dismissing the enneagram in college 12 years ago as ‘weird’ and not important compared to ‘real’ stuff in youth work..like theory.
In the space of safety, part of my healing and recovery meant starting the process of who I am.
Up until then ask me and I wouldn’t have known, ‘I dunno’, I think im ok, I think ill be ok, I think im good at a few things. I might have gone as far to say that I was a person of faith, but it all felt flimsy, loose, uncertain, unconvincing. So ill say that not knowing who I was, not knowing my real self and me, was part of how I ended up in situations. Drifting? Probably, taken advantage of? Yes..and not knowing who I was, meant I had nothing to protect or stand up for. You cant defend a castle if its made of water.
18 months prior to actually accepting it, one of my friends had already mentioned me being an introvert when they saw me present my Thesis findings at this event but like everything else, I ignored, dismissed it, was almost scared of it. Scared of Discovering myself.
That same friend reminded me of this, in the same month I started my first season of Therapy, and so, the second book I read after this one, was Quiet by Susan Cain.
It was like a breath of fresh air on so many levels.
Stopping to discover who I am. And know that it was ok.
This isn’t a piece about introvert/extrovert thinking, it is instead about the process of discovering who I am as part of my healing.
Who I am, not just how I am in relation to other people
Who I am, not just what I do
Who I am, in terms of the detail of my inner, real self.
Who I am – and what I can start to defend.
Putting off learning about myself was now out of the question. A breakdown was the opportunity to painfully discover the hidden treasure of myself. I couldn’t love myself if I didnt know myself.
It began with accepting my introvert side, as I was lapping up self discovery like a drug.
I say to any men reading this, or anyone, its not too late, its not too early to discover the real you. What you may have hidden for so long will make its way known in actions, behaviours and reactions. You are more valuable than you think, and the process and journey is so worth it. You may have already started this, and so my deepest encouragement to you as this continues in your life. The best person you can be for yourself and others, is the one that accepts, knows and understands itself.
Discovering my introvert side was just the start, but Im glad it was a start.
Starting to accept, not run from discovering who I am, realising how important it was…realising how important I am.
The next chapter of my life, was about to me made with me knowing myself, for who I am.
James Ballantyne 