Forgive the slightly meandering nature of this piece of writing, I may be writing out loud some of my inner musings over the last few weeks and months as it feels like a long time I’ve written, maybe not for you, but for me it does, and most of that time I’ve been engaged in some deep inner work, thats given insight to some of the below, I’ve also been giving more time to being creative in other ways, including trying to get the book (s) on track. Over the last 24 hours I’ve been pondering something that I thought was worth sharing, and so….here goes…
Do you find sometimes that theres some overused cliches in the ‘healing’ world? resurrection to life, caterpillar to butterfly, autumns letting go of leaves….and that Japanese art thingy (Kintsugi) where they put gold between cracks of the jar or pot to make it more beautiful than previously. There isnt a week that goes past that someone refers to it somewhere, and for your joy, it’s me today.
The problem with cliches, is not them. Its us. It’s me, because I dismiss it too quickly, too soon, and not give its complexity time to dwell. Overuse breeds complacency, popularity causes it to be dismissed.
Yesterday Japanese pot mending (Kintsugi) was brought to my attention at a time when I noticed it, it snuck up on me unannounced….a time when I was ready for it, not to be a meme, but something that yielded something of depth, and has taken me on a little reflective learning journey.
Broken Shell
More beautiful for having been broken.
Yesterday, as part of my work, I was in the role of chaplain for a retreat that I had helped to organise for the worship leaders and preachers for the Methodist church in my district (Darlington , UK), the theme was pilgrimage, and it was led by John, who had travelled the Santiago de Camino around 15 years ago. It was a beautiful day, and the first time I heard personal stories of the route, bringing to life for me some of the stories I had read in Paulo Coelho’s book ‘The Pilgrimage’ that has been influential to me over the last few years.
During the day, we learned about the scallop shell, the emblem of the pilgrammage, a shell that is attached to the bags of those along the way, and has become an emblem of pilgrimage. (we used the same shape for id badges and also gave people a shell stamp as they departed yesterday (heres mine)
John shared how a few months after he had completed the pilgrimage, he was sharing about his experiences on the route in a local church, and was showing them the artefacts, boots, his bag and journal ..and the shell. In a turn of events, he left the shell attached to his bag, but someone dropped a chair onto his bag and as a consequence, the shell broke into two.
He described how the broken shell now reminded him of how following the way of pilgrimage is more often about following the way of brokenness and the shell, that was naturally imperfect now gives him this reminder.
But I went to somewhere else.
I went to the Japanese art gold thread concept.
The last few months ive been a simmering rage pot.
Inner boiling water has been one open lid away from explosions. Ive felt hurt, ive felt pain, ive been digging into the source of it all (yes childhood abuse, being stolen from emotionally, being child therapist/responsible one, feeling alone/suicidal at 9) , and realising much, not all for here.
And reflecting on the broken shell, i shared some of this with John, as the participants also reflected in their groups.n
I shared how I noticed that if the shell was able to withstand the heat of the golden meld required, that the heat of the material softens and prepares the two parts for integration, but whilst the meld is furnace hot, the two parts can still move, they can still be split apart, they are not integrated. I noticed as I gave this concept time, that it is only when the bonding material cools, that integration occurs.
Heat causes the possibility of integration, rage exposes the rawness of it all.
But heat alone is not enough.
The key materials of kintsugi are: ki urushi (pure urushiol-based lacquer), bengara urushi (iron red urushi), mugi urushi (a mixture of 50% ki urushi and 50% wheat flour), sabi urushi (a mixture of ki urushi with two kinds of clay), and a storage compartment referred to as a furo (“bath” in Japanese) where the mended pottery can rest at 90% humidity for between 2 days to 2 weeks as the urushi hardens.
The cooling down period from that extreme heat is variable.
The cooling down period from that extreme heat requires the right conditions – stillness, gentleness, the ‘right humidity’ (according to wiki)
It’s only after the cooling down period that there is integration.
In the heat, theres still damage, but heat is required.
Taking the shell as the example, im not sure this kind of fracture could be melded using such extreme heat, and like the bones in our body, fusion is delicate, and sometimes best left to nature, until we dont have the capacity to. The broken clay pot though can withstand the heat, requires the heat.
Coolness beyond the rage seems to be a place of integration.
It would require careful manual handling to bring the two parts together, not forced, not so squeezed the meld disappears, not too lose as the materials then don’t bond. Our parts require gentleness, there are no bad parts (IFS).
Perpetual rage, however, is not a place of integration. It’s a place of heat, its loose, its bitter, it keeps the fragmentation, it keeps the possibility for the wound to expose itself again (and wounds are deep, wounds hurt, wounds require rage 100%).
There were times, in the last few months that I couldnt function due to the rage, especially in places that had harmed me. Yet similarly, that rage was fully justified (and as ive shared before, anger itself was suppressed in me, by parents and also church) So….there was a lot.
Every now and then in the last few years, anger and rage has been a visitor to me. As I realise what happened to me, and what I didn’t have, and should have done…and how frustrating it is to have to be ‘brave’ all the time… and not be believed… It’s completely understandable.
I may not like it when rage is a visitor, but a lifetime of avoiding it, was far far worse.
Im getting slowly used to letting rage do its melding work. But it’s hot and uncomfortable.
The cliche of the Japanese pot art as it revealed itself to me yesterday through a broken shell.
I began to see something, and realise that time (2days to 2 weeks) is required, for the heat to cool, and it is only when it does does integration happen. Theres something deep in cliches if we give them time. Theres something held in our wounds if we gently let them speak, and sometimes they need to shout, rage and boil.
Thank you for reading.
I was going to share more, but I’ll save that for the next piece, for as ive reflected on the pots, something else has revealed itself.
James Ballantyne 