Ive been on what I call ‘Project James’ for over 6 years now, and in that time to heal from 40 years of manipulative abuse since childhood, including recovering from unemployment and homelessness.
Internally, breaking down behind the ‘I’m doing ok’ facade, pretend strength but hollow and hurting inside, that had been my survival strategy since childhood, one that I thought was normal, a lifetime of running, avoiding or soothing, in a variety of destructive ways, oh and hoping that Jesus would deal with it, fix it and that ‘church’ would be my saviour.
And thats just a summary.
In summary, then, the last six years has included
4 different bouts of therapy, including trauma therapy
Pages of journalling, raging and writing
Reading an extensive amount of self help books that encompassed:
Undertstanding narcissim, psychopathy and emotionally immature parents
Codependency
Self Understanding on Enneagram
Self compassion
Inner child work
Trauma – including Edith Eger, Victor Frankl, The Body keeps the score etc…
Spirituality, including Eckhart Tolle, John O Donohue and others.
Personal freedom, such as The four/five agreements, and The Untethered Soul
It’s been a lot. A lot to try and understand myself, alot to be able to become more and more safe for me on the inside to be able to feel emotions, to be able to regulate and to face the pains and damage from my abusers, and also how I internalised and survived it all, and at the same time, work, earn, live and exist.
Yet, when I think about it, it’s been a long journey, to make a small distance considerably more healthy and whole.
It has been a long journey, in thinking, feeling and experiencing.
To build connections where there once was fracture.
To heal the holes, brokenness and wounded-ness between my head, my heart, and my soul.
The distance from I to myself.
An extensive work to heal a small amount of space.
A journey I was putting off taking for far too long
A journey I invalidated and avoided
My thoughts that I believed, told me that I was too broken, too beaten, too frightened, to guilty, to shameful, too small, too weak, to make, and the journey
Too big, too exposing, too tiring, too massive, too encompassing, too hard, too challenging and was also too invalidated by those around me, or my own beliefs ( I needed more of Jesus, and not anything of myself….)
And a journey that didnt promise any outcome.
Didnt shout its reward.
Didnt have a map, or compass
Or sometimes any directions
It just needed to start.
And it started from being broken, started from the place of nothing.
‘For when she had nothing to lose, then she was free’ (Paulo Coelho)
It started as I changed, slowly, trusting in a moment of vulnerability,
‘I have no home, will you look after me’
When for so long I couldnt articulate weakness, vulnerability or be anything other than ‘the strong one for others’ …
The longest journey of the smallest distance started with being broken.
Started as my mind had run out of resources.
Coping wasnt living, especially wasnt coping in survival mode.
The packaging of life hadn’t fulfilled its ‘James hoped for’ expectations.
Because the landscape on the inside was a barren mine- filled land of fear, terror, a landscape I was afraid of, that was dominating every action, every moment.
What I was afraid of held power over me.
I couldnt go there.
And yet…. as soon as I started the walk….. the universe provided…. angels in the form of spare bedrooms, kind words, walks, safety… beyond anything… safety.
And slowly, slowly I began to tentatively see, feel, walk in the landscape.
It was and is the journey of a lifetime, for it has been a journey of life.
Maybe the longest journey is the shortest distance, and how this is navigated shapes so much of our lives.
There are times of deep searching, deep disconnection, emotions and fear, yet I have been open to the possibility of healing and growth within it all, for nearly all of the time, yes some resistance… but old habits change hard….
It was only the gap of the thoughts,
It was only the gap between heart and soul,
No distance at all…..
Yet an ongoing journey of love, of life and gratitude
Might it invoke promise, openness, wonder, curiosity
Might it be a threshold into opportunity
Might it tantalise and tempt
Might it awaken
Might it feel too big to ask right now….
What if you could even ask a what if question…?
What if?
What if might tease at a playful side of your soul……
Untethered wonder like…..
What if the moon was actually made of cheese?
(yes there would be cracker and chutney shops on venus)
but….
What if you could be anywhere you want to be?
What if freedom was yours, what would you do with it?
What if today’s sunshine was universe love, just for you…. what would you do with it?
What if you could believe the universe was loving you , independently of the weather, independently of any-thing?
What if you gave yourself the love you give others?
What if your breakdown……was an opportunity instead?
What if your struggle……. actually was an opportunity, not that you can see it yet…..but one day…….
What if?
What if……you allowed yourself to be open to the possibilities?
What if nothing was holding you back?
What if you had limitless energy?
What’s your what if?
What if ………………………………………….?
What if you lived aligned with your what ifs? The curious dreaming, the awakened heart, the possibilities
In a world often ready to shrink the space of dreaming and construct the box in which your possibilities and growth can only be…… what if it was time to live beyond….. where the spark of your soul imagination might want to take you….
What if there was no box? What if the question reveals the borderlines and barriers?
But what if there were far less rules?
What if you…… were to be open to the ‘What if?’
beyond into life, beyond into the place where your soul feels free……
Im a youth and community worker by profession, and so, words like ‘community’ have been bantered around for a long time, and trying to understand what they mean, there’s often talk of online community, or groups of people with shared values, purposes, aims or actions.
It was always out there.
‘The Community’
A group of people. An estate.
Theologically, I learned about the community of the Trinity – Father, Son Spirit.. and spent far too long wondering if it was hierarchical or social, upwards or flat.
Yet.
The one community I was negating the treasure of, was the community inside.
For inside, there is a restless community of treasure awaiting your finding, awaiting a safe time to make itself known, awaiting space to show itself in its energy, colour and brilliance.
Neglected inner energy, thats been held back for so long, energy that comes from the heart, the soul and the mind.
The Community within, with its parts, with its roles and jobs, with its functions.
An inner community that awakens to the wonders, and curiosity of the childlikeness, seeks peace and stillness
An inner community that seeks love, harmony and joy, and radiates them all too.
An inner community that lets us know when its out of sync or out of kilter, when it’s fractured and disconnected, when it is not ok, and you’re not.
An inner community whose communication to you is always love, always care, always for you – even to protect when it doesn’t need to, its still protecting.
So, pause for a moment, and turn your gaze, your breath and your mind inwards and say hello to that inner community, the inner life, your inner reality.
James Ballantyne 