The darkest of blue skies awaits the coming fire.
Expectant.
The Earth will turn, the Sun will soon show itself.
Turning moment by moment
Sun peeking.
Making its presence known
Making its warmth felt
Making its colour radiate
Fire within, Fire outwith
Expectant deep blue sky
Morning chorus calling forth
Life, Love, Heat and Joy
The making of today’s day.
I can’t write anything new
That has never been said before
130 million books before me
Words by the billion reverberating on the internet
What price for originality
What burden does it carry?
Trying to be new
Yet this heart is unique
and these hands that type stem from it
And they see you
And I stretch out these words
as long as they can
To embrace hands and hearts that receive
To share what makes us whole
Kindness, intimacy of the soul
Nothing new, but something true
Heartful-ness
Mind-kindness
Soul hugs across a million litres of Ocean
To a billion of every one of you
Words that speak slowly
Feel deeply
Blissful Sacredness
Creative Consciousness
Its just time to be
Time to be trusted
Life spilling over
Life spilling inwards
Life winning, Life filling
Life being
Full. Yes, life being full…of life.
One Sacred life, like yours, at a time.
Nothing new (in words)
Except every day, being new (in ourselves)
Nothing New, Something True.
Writing words.
It’s Started again.
Writing. Writing.
The mind goes clear, the fog lift and the words come out again. Truth. Hope. Love. Wonder. Words. Feel. Alive. Soul gives. Hope springs. Forth. Writing. Writing. Making. Shaping. Creating. Meaning. Trying. Giving. True. Soul. Energy. Life. Feeling. Bliss again. Just writing. Fingers pounding. Not making Sense, of it all. Just writing. Let writing flow. Soul writing. Edit freee. Sharing. Writing. Alive. The Feeling. Lifting. Breathing, words, breathing, in and out, make a shout, and about, life words, feeling free to fly high in the sky, so blue so clear, so wondrous, just like you. Writing , soul, Expression. Timing, having, yearning, longing for belonging in the midst of time that takes so long and frustrating patiently tick tock shaking. Yearning into being. Faking into reality making constructing heading into truth telling in the shaking, breaking and wondering if the pain will end, writing, writing. Writing into love, Mind emptying and flow writing, giving over, surrender.
Surrender.
Mind surrender
To the flow. The Urge, the passion to write.
Stemming from the soul. bursting.
Soul bursting. Busting. Song. Shape. Writing.
It’s time, again. Follow the flow.
Ready, are you ready? The joyous soul adventure, lived life again.
Writing Writing Writing Writing
Life Writing. It’s coming out. Dont hold it in.
Words feeling free again.
dancing words, freedom being on the page. Joining together
Writing in a dance, across the space of the page and imagining the dance of the pen, the dance of these fingers and words dancing with each other as they combine on the movement and share in the wonder they create in the life, magic and love, dancing together in the space of your soul, combining, twisting, fast and slow, dance of the divine. Magic and Love to the music of Joy. Making their play on the page of your soul.
Writing, light writing. Like dance, light movement, light, wispy letters, feeling graceful and playful and free. Writing the moment, writing the play, living the dream in the creating of meaning.
Most of you who read this will be my friends.
All of you will be human.
Some of you will have different beliefs than I do
All of you will be human
A number of you will defend things I cannot stand.
All of you will be human
Some of you can’t see what I can
All of you will be human
Some of you can see more than I can
All of you will be human.
Even if we dont share the same opinion, live the same dream, believe the same belief.
Artistic, Creative, Numerical, Destructive.
All of us are human.
All of us are on this one universal planet
All of us are connected.
All of part of this planet.
Life Force. Love source. Aware or unconscious.
You, me and all of us.
Accepting it or denying it – are part of the same.
The same flesh, blood and frailty.
The same mess and vulnerability.
That needs to go to pharmacies for aches and pains.
That cries at the most ridiculous.
That blames others, until realising that it is only ourselves that can change.
We are all one.
We are.
If…
We are all connected, all one, all part.
Then what makes sense?
What is this all for?
Why am I here?
To do what?
What part do I play..in this universal cosmic drama?
And what’s the best way of playing it with all of you..my fellow cosmic acting buddies?
What’s important? What do I need to find out? What am I to learn?
Its Love, isn’t it?
Just love, isn’t it?
From the cosmic, to the cosmetic
Love is more important than we think.
Love builds
Love tries
Love creates
Love sees
Love plants.
Love is.
Love doesn’t pretend, doesn’t play games, isn’t for performance, doesn’t protect the institution , or ideology.
Love. Is more than enough
If we trust it.
Im here to love, and so are you.
There’s nothing more meaningful than this.
Nothing more meaningful that I could write.
Nothing more meaningful that you could hear.
That if we’re scared of love – we have to be vulnerable to it
If we’ve dismissed it – its time to feel it
If we’ve managed without it – its wounded others along the way.
Love our neighbour as our self.
Frail, tender, vulnerable shoots of love.
Messy love, that gently accepts in the midst
Powerful love that challenges injustice
Desperate love that hopes
Compassionate love that dreams.
Courage to love.
Brave love.
Im here to love, as are you.
Not fight, battle, hold, buy, or Lord
But be human in our human self.
True self. Messy Self. Loving Self. Love self.
Gentle self. Kind self. Listening self.
Thats who I am, and so are you.
We are all Human.
Even if we dont want to admit it or enjoy it.
Its what we are, and we all are the same.
Bit part players in a cosmic drama, led by our hearts, souls and minds.
Can we try to love each other a bit better?
Can we heal so we stop wounding others?
Can we lose our rights to love our humanity?
Just a tiny bit better?
Love guides. Like the angel tugging at your heart. Trying to find a way in.
Listen to love. The universe will guide.
Fellow human, dont give up, dont give in, dont surrender to something invisible, that isn’t the very love pumping around your heart.
Love will find a way. Love, just is.
I just did a weird thing.
I just added up all the total number of words I have written in blog form, and published since I started writing blogs in 2012.
No I didn’t do that thing. I didn’t open up every one of those 800+ blogs since 2012 and count all the words, who do you think I am? I’m not that weird, truly I’m not.
I just added up the totals that WordPress records.
Since 2012, there have been 957,547 words.
Well, actually, now thats 957,547 + 97 words, +1 for ‘words’ and + 3 for ‘words’ and and, and now another 7 + more for these too. (4)
957,547+1+3+7+4= 957,562.
I was hoping that when I started out this voyage of numerical discovery it would be a really significant number. Like a million. But it isn’t. And trust me, you probably dont want me rambling for another 957,562+37 =957,599 – 1000000=42401 words.
Its just a number 957,599 or it was 957,547 when I started this.
Thats a lot of words though isn’t it.
And thats not including the blogs that were too passive aggressive to ever publish (especially over on the youth work one) , or the ones I felt were way too vulnerable here, or actually ones I didn’t feel comfortable with, they stay in the drafts. So it may well be a million.
It’s not quite a million words. 11 years. Around 90,000 words per year.
It’s weird when I think about it.
Especially as I’m comparing it to other ‘art’ forms, this writing thing.
In the same time as writing these blogs, I have also helped to write a book, and one Youth work article, I also completed a Masters study and recently a level 2 in Counselling skills. I have done A LOT of writing.
I definitely didn’t start out when I wrote my first blog, on blogspot on the subject of cycling and spirituality, that I would end up here. 11 years later. I had no idea. It just sort of happened that way.
I’d like to say that writing is enjoyable. Actually, it is.
What I’ve also found is that writing helps me get things out, sometimes there’s a build up of information, thoughts and questions or ideas in my head and so it has helped me to write them out. Thats why there’s quite a few drafts, and quite a few that won’t see the light of day, my head might not always be the healthiest of places. Sometimes for me there’s a build up, like the cork in the bottle and I have to just start writing.
Believe it or not, there have been other times when I hadn’t written for weeks or months. Yes, actually that is the case. I slowed down big time when my personal life, and also my professional life has shifted somewhat.
The other thing I’ve noticed is that my writing has often followed my reading. In the same 11 years, I think I have read, at least 500 books. For most of the first 8 years these were all Youthwork, Theology, Community practice or Sociology related.. or Theodrama.. who could forget the Theodrama years… the books would inspire, as would the conversations I would have each day, with youth workers, lecturers, colleagues.
But now the books I have read have changed, I think I have only read 3 youthwork or theology books in the last 3 years, most of the rest are in the menu above, as well as Fiction. Yes, actually reading fiction too. Including the whole of Harry Potter, and almost all of Paulo Coelho books.
Life Spills. That sometimes describes my writing now, a lot more. Im thinking, or doing something, or learning about it, and when I write its like the spillage of those things, spewed from my fingers out wards onto the screen. Words. Spilling.
I wish I could say that I’ts from the soul, or heart.
Sometimes it is. I would love it to be more soulful at times.
But I know that sometimes I’m writing when I’m annoyed, and im in a churn.. and that churn spills over.
Sometimes I discovered something I want to share it.
Sometimes I discover something, as I’m writing it.
When. I. Realise. That. These. words. Are. For. Me.
And I have to stop.
Slow Down.
Listen to myself.
Because these weren’t words for others, they were for me.
And some of those 957,000+ were for me.
Like the one I wrote about Self-Care tips for youth workers for Lent. Every years since that one I realise quite how hypocritical that one was. Look here’s me with 40 ideas for you.. when I’m in utterly no place to do any of them, with self confidence, self respect at rock bottom and having no self awareness at all. All those could have been for me, and there were others too.
I now feel like I’m doing a Q&A about my blogging when actually I’m making up my own questions. Thats just the thing, who does a blogging Q and A anyway? Should I do it when I have 1,000,000 words, or when ive bored 1,000 people? Its not like I have a subscriber count like on you tube.
Another question that I am never asked is about what makes up a good blog.
The answer is that I really dont know. What I am finding is that if a good blog is one that is based on how many people click the ‘like’ button at the bottom of this one, then I get more ‘likes’ when I have been personal, vulnerable, and shared about life trauma, healing, vulnerability and recovery, than I did with youthwork, theology or community work.
What do I do it for?
Sometimes for you, the invisible you, the person who reads this. You are a WordPress reader, a Facebook friend, or a friend of a friend, or someone else that googled it. Talking of google, thats one way of getting extra reads and views. Its that title thing again. My most viewed in one day blog had a great 3 days and none since, my most viewed in all time asks the question ‘What role do young people play in your church’ – because all over the world, thats a pressing question in many churches, and its all over the world, I have views from over 200 countries.
Sometimes these are for me too, as I said above.
I was watching a you tube video earlier on photography. In it the guy said about how it takes 10,000 hours to finely tune a hobby or craft, like.. photography or something else, gardening or dance or fishing. So that got me thinking about not only how many hours id spent behind a camera (probably around 200-300) but then about writing. How many hours have I spent blogging, and what is the creative output of that in relation to the work that goes into it. I would be lying if I said that I didnt check the likes, comments or views, but what definitely surpasses all of these is when someone lets me know that I have helped them, encouraged them or enabled them to see something, or do something differently, in their professional or personal life, or both.
So, for almost 1000 actual blogs, and almost 1,000,000 words – how do even know if this is something I am ‘good’ at. Its not like there’s a gallery of them, or I can recount the time i made something significant within it.
Its not the numbers after all.
And a good blog isn’t a perfect one. Sometimes its a real one. Maybe its also one where im being more human, than being preachy. Maybe its not one that is too hard to read, I get it, honestly I do. My pain might not make good reading, unless you know, or you want to know. I cant tell you how to write, because I often dont really think about what im writing most of the time, and thats why I cant think of a good way of ending this weirdly self-referential reflective piece, as it could go on and on and on.
So what advice would I give someone starting out in blog writing.
Only do it if you love writing. Like anything. Love it or stop it.
Thats all I can say.
oh…
and if you got to the end, Thank you.
You made it to 958861 words.
Tell me… what are 5 things that caused you to feel happy today?
5 things?
You’re joking aren’t you. 5 actual things. 5 moments where I wasn’t stressed, tired, weary, feeling like im in survival mode, drained, exhausted, pressured, stressed, thinking, over thinking, beyond overthinking to the point of being somewhere else….
Happy. Really?
5 things?
Yes.
5 things.
Can be as utterly small as you like, can be as tiny or insignificant. it doest matter, all that matters was in that moment it caused you to feel happy.
Yes, even that bumble bee that flew past you, the rainbow appearing behind the clouds, the way your dog looked at you, it just made you happy. For a split second.
5 things.
I didnt realise it was possible either.
I didnt realise Happy was actually something.
Duty – yes.
Obedience – Yes
Doing the right thing – Yes
Surviving – Yes
But Happy? Really?
Happy.. oh no, that’s not for me.
And you know what… when I didnt realise happiness was for me, I couldn’t give the opportunity for happiness for other people – without being critical, without feeling jealous, without being able to enjoy it, for others. I say these things about me, because I also wonder whether this might be more than just me too.
Let me ask you a different question.
What about this… What if I told you that happiness was a choice?
A choice you can make now?
What if you could have the power to choose to be happy?
What if this was a powerful choice, yes a choice, that you could make?
Because, being miserable, playing the victim and projecting blame on others is equally a choice too. But lets focus on Happy.
When asked on 31st January each year something that makes us happy, it might well be the relief that its the end of January.
But at the start of January, dont we say ‘Happy new year’ – Happy..may this year be full of happiness for you. It doesn’t take long for Happy new year to turn into the drudge of January. Happy seems to have disappeared from view. A long time ago.
But 30th January, 4th February and every day in July can be happy too… cant it?
What would it take? Madness? Courage? Determination?
What might we notice when we make this choice?
One thing I noticed, is that when I tried to make an active choice to be happy….
I got a lot of opportunities to practice this.
For instance, the very day I bought this book
Which was in a bookstore, in San Diego Airport on 4th January, as I left my soul mate Christelle and I headed back to the UK.. in a specially curated Happy section for the new year
It was also the very moment that as I paid for the book and left the bookstore, that I realised that my already cancelled once, now delayed flight was delayed even further. Literally on the board as I left the bookstore. So, all the feelings about leaving Christelle, and now delays.
Immediate practice to choose my response.
This delayed flight, led to another cancelled flight, led to overnight in Seattle, another day of travelling, and eventually back to the UK and my flat quite a few hours later. Circumstances giving me choices.
What did the longer journey give me the opportunity to do – practice happiness…and to read about it. The universe is like that, gives us gifts in which to practice.
There’s many things I began to notice after the day I decided to intentionally focus on my own happiness. Another is that it is very easy to forget. Hence why its taken 31 days to write this.
Yup, the road of good intentions is littered with distractions, as well as challenging situations.
Ive needed reminders. So..
A few days per week so far this year, because I haven’t remembered every day, and I did buy myself a note book, that I haven’t filled in yet either… Ive asked Christelle the 5 happy things question, and she’s asked me it back.
It’s almost like retraining my own mind, soul and spirit to notice the happy moments, the happy moments occurring in the now and everyday.
I can hear the resistance. But what if I surrendered to this? If happiness is not now..when might it be…really?
I was one who was a critic of those who said that being happy was possible or real or a purpose in life, I get it.
But what spills out of us when we’re not happy? Who is this good for? Just our ego and anything or anyone else?
What if… this:
I believe the very purpose of our life is to seek happiness. That is clear. Whether one believes in religion or not, whether one believes in this religion or that religion, we are all seeking something better in life. So I think, the very moment of our life is towards happiness…..
Dalai Lama, 1999
So… about those 5 things..? (why not write them in the comments below)
Give it a go. Seek Happiness. Open up yourself to its possibility
Happiness, deep inner happiness is possible.
Its closer than we think, actually its changing how we think.
Happy New February.
Happy you.
Happy me too.
References
The Art of Happiness – Dalai Lama and H Cutler 1999
The Courage to be Happy – Kishimi, Koga 2016
The Power of Now – Eckhart Tolle – 1999
‘May you listen to your longing to be free
May the frames of your belonging be generous enough for your dreams
May you arise each day with a voice of blessing whispering in your heart.
May you find harmony between your soul and your life
May the Sanctuary of your soul never become haunted
May you know the eternal longing that lives at the heart of time
May there be kindness in your gaze when you look within
May you never place walls between the light and yourself
May you allow the wild beauty of the invisible world to gather you, mind you and embrace you in belonging. ‘
John O Donohue, For Belonging , ‘To Bless the space between us’ 2008
Belonging.
To Belong.
To feel at home.
To feel safe.
To belong in my own skin, my body and feel comfortable in my mind
To belong in my spirit.
Isn’t that what we all, deep down want?
To be in a place of peace, of rest, of calm.
A place to belong. To be seen.
I love the line in the blessing above, ‘May there be kindness in your gaze, as you look within’
Kindness in my self directed gaze. Kindness.
Not rushing to the immediate reaction of angst, pain, self loathing, denial. But taking a slower, heart directed route, kindness.
Making the choice of self compassion. One, slow, step, at a time.
As I look within. As I feel within.
Belonging to myself.
A self warm heart and hug.
Belonging.
Self-belonging.
Kindness and not a self critical eye.
Kindness and not a dismissive eye.
But looking, and then reminding myself of the choice to be kind to myself. How I can show belonging to myself.
Just stopping by on the beginning of Christmas week 2022, in the midst of me getting ready to cook some food for my son and his girlfriend, and then as I travel on trains tomorrow and planes on Wednesday to be with my beautiful wife Christelle for Christmas.
A moment of calm. Nat King Cole is playing. The Christmas lights and candles are glowing. Apple and Cinnamon scent is wafting around, presents have been wrapped and its a moment to breathe.
A moment to notice.
A moment to appreciate feeling safe. A moment to appreciate feeling love. A moment to be thankful, to be grateful. A moment to feel, and notice that moments like this, gaps, are not to be frightened of anymore. Its these cracks where love washes in.
Its 4.30pm and its not been all like this all day. Ive carried a pre Christmas and travel to do list around in my head all day, whilst also being at work for the last day. But now, having scurried around a bit for the day, Im having just a moment of me time.
Breathing slowly. Noticing the light of the candle. Feeling.
Realising too, the effort its taken, the effort Ive taken to get to where I am, this year. A lot has been happening. There’s been some dark moments of reliving trauma, abuse and suffering. There’s been times of facing my own complex vulnerabilities, of embracing what’s its meant by being self compassionate, of enjoying receiving, of making choices about responding to what I’m actually feeling day by day.
So I sit here, feeling a sense of love for myself, acceptance of myself, and feeling relaxed as I take one then another breath. Grateful for the vulnerable giants whose own shared lives have inspired, encouraged and caused me to dig deep into my own heart, power and strength, Brene Brown, Gary Zukav, Paulo Coelho, Edith Eger, Matt Haig, your life story, your fictions and your insight is truly transformative. The therapists in person, and the therapy groups on Facebook – there’s many a time you have struck a chord and enabled me to come face to face with a new reality, so thank you, North Brisbane Psychotherapists, Dr Glenn Patrick Doyle, Mike Philips and Patrick Weaver Ministries. Thank you.
But Christmas.
Somehow as I sit here and in conversation with Christelle, we shared about how this time can be a weird one for those of us rebuilding our lives after childhood trauma. Weird in that kind of way of noticing, facing, and accepting the moments that aren’t so apparent in April , June or September. Pain in a Christmas movie can be about grief for the much loved parent who isn’t around – rarely one who was abusive. (yes I know, no one wants that Christmas movie)
Christmas time gives opportunities for continued self love, tenderness and self- compassion.
Know that its ok to feel whatever Christmas feels for you. Feel that mystery of love deep within your wounded heart and soul. Neither I, neither you are the pain or shame.
May I share with you this blessing, as a gift, from John O Donohue, as I also say thank you, and do have a truly restful, calm, loving, heartfelt, self compassionate Christmas.
A Prayer for the Awakened:
For Everything under the Sun, there is a time, This is the season of your harvest awakening, where pain takes you where you would rather not go.
Through the white curtain of yesterdays to a place you had forgotten you knew from the Inside out, And a time when that bitter tree was planted.
That has grown always invisibly beside you, and whose branches your awakened hands, now long to disentangle from your heart.
You are coming to see how your looking often darkened, When you should have felt safe enough to fall towards love; How deep down your eyes were always owned by something.
That faced them through a dark fester of thorns, Converting whoever came into a further figure of the wrong, You could only see what touched you as already torn.
Now the act of seeing begins your work of mourning, and your memory is ready to show you everything, having waited all these years for you to return and know.
Only you know where the casket of pain is interred, You will have to scare through all the layers of covering, And according to your readiness, everything will open.
May you be blessed with a wise and compassionate guide, Who can accompany you through the fear and grief, until your heart has wept its way to your true self.
As your tears fall over that wounded place,
May they wash away the hurt and free your heart
May your forgiveness still – the hunger of the wound
So that for the first time you can walk away from that place, Reunited with your banished heart, now healed and freed
And feel the clear, free air bless your new face
For Someone Awakening to the Trauma of their past – John O Donohue
Be Still friends, and Know that you are love – Happy Christmas to you
James
I just wanted to say
For the very positive responses, comments and feedback from my recent blog about ‘1000 days since leaving Church‘ which I published just over a week ago.
I did not quite realise, though had I thought about it, I may have also realised it, quite how common my experience has been.
Thank you for reading, sharing and commenting on it, thank you.
Its been very apparent in the comments, both public and private to me, from youth workers, pioneer folks, leaders in churches and denominations, for how many folks, they had to leave church, to re-find God, and find a faith.
I guess I wasn’t brave enough to do it all those years ago.
I guess I still wanted something about what ‘organised church’ could offer, anyway..
So, thank you.
Thank you for reaching out, thank you for encouraging me on the same journey.
And that’s just it, its a journey. Cliche alert.
I haven’t ‘made it’ , neither have I the answers, and any certainty expressed sometimes comes back as vulnerability or a lesson to be learned.
But something feels more coherent.
I found home in myself, in a way that I was trying to find home elsewhere.
There was a hole in my life and heart – it wasn’t God shaped, it was because of childhood abuse, because of neglect. That God was an external being to surrender to and lose myself to – despite an internal ache that never went away.
Haemin Sunim says this:
We must cultivate all three intelligences for our overall health
Critical intelligence, emotional intelligence and Spiritual intelligence
If one falls to the wayside, it slows the growth of the other two
Haemin Sunim, Things you can only see when we slow down.
If I were to do a 3 way audit of these three intelligences at different times in my life – what would I have found – how might this pie chart look like?
Something like this, probably
And that’s 5% emotional intelligence and awareness on a good day.
In fact I was scared of those weird things like emotions, best to stay disconnected from them, dissociate, and stay in my head. That was the safe place. Critical intelligence to the absolute full. God is to be understood and not felt.
But without all three, no growth. No heart. Or peace. Or Joy. Or love.
What I had been looking for, was closer than I realised. Everything I needed was within, and I have just had to be given permission, and the tools to see it. I just Am. (as are you)
I like this from John O’Donohue too, on coming home to yourself:
May all the is unforgiven in you
Be Released,
May all your fears yield
Their deepest tranquilities.
May all that is unloved in you
Blossom into a future
Graced with love.
So…..Thank you , I am very grateful and appreciative, I really am.
James
Sometimes life is like wearing velcro.
At least for me it can sometimes feel like it, I dont always know what I’m going to pick up, or what is going to stick. Or the importance of some of those small insignificant moments at the time.
Or the way in which one persons journey inspires my own.
Its that thing, what I learned I pass on to others, but also, by sharing my story could end up being someone else survival manual.
So this one starts with a Sword.
Because if there wasn’t a sword, there wouldnt be a story.
And if there wasn’t a story, many millions, including myself wouldnt have found the life sparkles, glimpses of God, love, destiny and power as described by Paulo Coelho.
But my story of Paulo Coelho started in a headmasters office in Billingham, near Middlesbrough in April 2018.
I was doing a piece of community work for my then employers, FYT, in which I was conducting a community profile, including a semi structured questionnaire with , I think a headteacher or deputy headteacher in their office, at around about 4pm or so, school was empty. I remember the interview going well, and the headteacher had a number of unusual inspirational quotes on their wall. Now up until then, like a good youth worker, the only Paulo’s that I knew of were Paulo Maldini (Italian footballer) and more obviously Paulo Freire. I dont remember the quote itself, but I do remember liking it, writing it down on a notepad and then having a conversation with the headteacher about Paulo Coelho, he said that he was a Brazilian writer.
It was an unexpected seed that stuck to me like velcro. At a time when I didnt realise how soon I might start having life revealed in the ways in which Paulo Coelho talks about it.
I can honestly say that reading to understand and reading to see life have been so part of my healing process, from within the dark times, and also since.
But sometimes the way in which some things have found me have been as mysterious, gifts from the universe, that are so difficult to explain.
Fast forward less than 9 months.
I am travelling from Sunderland to South Shields, from the friends house where I am staying, to my therapists office. It must be maybe my 2nd or 3rd session. Definitely not the first one. I have little money, though I have just started a new job. But one of the things I realise that I have started to enjoy is taking myself out for coffee, with a book. Enjoying the introvert life.
But this was slightly less relaxing as I’m in a strange place that I dont know, I’m nervous about therapy, and I have probably 30-40 mins to spare. So I park up, and walk into the town, and noted that as I drove past there was a community cafe/centre that was open.
I go in. Its basic looking – ie its a community cafe, its not Costa or Starbucks or a trendy independent coffee shop. It sells instant coffee in a polystyrene type cup for about £1, perfect. Luxury coffee would be too much when pre therapy angst was in the air.
They do have, however, a second hand book stall. Second, third or fourth hand, but that’s ok. Two books grabbed my attention. They shone to my attention. They were ‘The Alchemist’ , and also ‘Veronica Prepares to die’ both by Paolo Coelho. I pay only slightly more for these two books that I do the coffee. They appeared to me, at that right time. Even as I bought them I could sense some kind of universe destiny about them. As if they were a gift to me, as I started the long road of recovery , here was a gift, a guide along the way. I would have no idea about Paulo Coelho if it wasn’t for that Headmaster office in Billingham, but it was such a compelling moment that these books were calling for me at that time. And me being open to that nudge. To follow that mysterious calling…
I dont remember what happened in that therapy session. But I do remember that I started to read the Alchemist straight away. And…
Id like to say that I had a wonderful experience reading it, but it didnt quite resonate in the way that I half expected it too (given its very high popularity and readership), yes some nice phrases and it wasn’t that I didnt like the story, I just found it a bit to remote, too much in a world that I didnt understand yet to connect with.
Though I loved ‘Veronica prepares to die’. Maybe because at that time I needed to read something about dignity and life, and about facing the reality death, and in this moment life.
Paulo Coelho has accompanied me (and also Christelle) throughout both our healing journeys and our relationship together, we have read at least 8 books of his together , some I have read alone first, some we’ve read together. Some have shown us about love, about life, about power, about death, truth, victory, and also about faith, spirit and God.
We also re read The Alchemist, and it made more sense the second time, it resonated in a different way. But then again dont many books when we read them again? When we have changed, we see things differently.
And that’s the beauty of Paulo Coelho.
So, along with the many ‘self help’ reflective books I have read in the last few years,. and there’s been a lot – there hasn’t been more than a few months when I haven’t read a Paulo Coelho book, or even re read one.
Having just read ‘The Pilgrimage ‘
I realised, that his journey, across the strange road to San Tiago, Spain, started with his search for his sword.
And as a consequence of searching for his sword, found more besides, and as a consequence of his journey Paulo, then wrote, stating in the Authors note afterwards, how this journey inspired him to write. His self discovery started with a sword, a faith, The Tradition.
I realise that many of the Paulo Coelho books have found me, its been rare that I have searched them deliberately. At least 5 have been ‘found’ in second hand bookstores, in places where I was only there momentarily, Dundee, Stockton, and those two in South Shields to start off with. Its like gifts from the universe. It makes me realise how much it has been a variety of books that have accompanied me along the way, and Paulo Coelho’s fiction has almost balanced my desire for understanding and knowledge, and provided a different kind of wisdom, through story, as story. Some of Paulo Coelho, is his story.
As Coelho says, ‘The universe conspires to help the dreamer.’
Sometimes that ‘help’ has been in the form of therapists, or self help books, friends and gifts. Other times its been the stories of Paulo Coelho that have prompted my heart, soul and spirit, they have been spiritual experiences in themselves. Ill write this elsewhere, but he is definitely an author I feel safe with.
I used to think there was only one Paulo (Friere) that was worth reading, now id say that my life is fuller because of the universe gifts from Paulo Coelho.
Who’d have thought this would have started from a headteachers office in Billingham?
” When you want something, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it”
(Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist)
Im trying in a way to describe something that feels very deep and meaningful, but strangely dont have the words. Maybe its because the depth of Paulo Coelho is there for those who want to read him for themselves. Ive loved being led and guided by his journeys, maybe you will do too?
James Ballantyne 