James Ballantyne

Tag: love

  • 1000 Days (Since I last went to Church)

    In a week when its been revealed that 50% of the UK is no longer christian, no surprise really, tbh… but I have to ‘confess’ something:

    I dont go to church anymore.

    It just stopped.

    I just stopped going.

    About 1000 days ago. That’s over 150 potential Church going Sundays.

    Oh and by the way, its also about 1000 days since the start of the March 2020 lockdown.

    But, my last Sunday Church Sunday was over a month before.

    A month before everyone was doing it.

    I just stopped going.

    And…. I haven’t gone back.

    On one hand that no one contacted me from the church I was going to at the time, revealed to me something, but I know the world was gearing up for a major crisis at that time, and me not going to church was barely that. Im glad in a way though, as it meant I didnt have to deal with any conversation about not going.

    So here I am, 1000 ish days later.

    To say id been drifting away from church for a long time before was pretty accurate. I knew I didnt want to commit to a church, something was stopping me, and had for a while.

    Also, though I wrote this piece in 2016/7, about falling off the evangelical cliff, and the resources I gathered along the way, what I hadn’t quite been able to do was ‘stop’ going to church.

    Falling off the Evangelical Cliff

    ‘Church’ had been part of me for , well, a lifetime, and ‘not’ going at that time was too much, I think. I still needed it, for the things that it gave me, identity, some influence, even a space to be creative, music and the odd preach. But in another world I was dynamic, edgy, liberal, yet I still ‘went’ to church in quite a conforming way.

    So I still kept going. Just.

    So, not going had been on the cards for a while.

    It took a bit of courage to finally stop going. Two Sundays of guilt. But that was it.

    Then I stopped, I thought it might be for a few weeks.

    But then no one went to church for months.

    And neither did I.

    And… it was ok…

    And…I am still alive…

    What I lost by not going was some of the people who went.

    But what I gained was significant time for me.

    I also gained coherence, and the time I didnt waste in trying to justify something to myself, doing something I felt I ‘should’ do, and had always felt I ‘should’ do. But then Sundays became another day at the weekend to walk, another day for me.

    I gained many other things too, and I think they are for future writing.

    And, in the last 1000 days, I have so needed those days.

    As, what I have come to terms with and dealt with in the those 1000 days has been the extent of the abuse I suffered as a child, and the effects of ‘self-loathing’ evangelicalism, and the impact of rigid, moralistic, closed minded evangelical faith on me as a child.

    Also in those 1000 days I began and recently ended a process in challenging that abuse, and in that process constructed significant boundaries from them, yes, finally 28 years after wanting to do it the first time, I have effectively divorced my parents.

    I took time to undergo therapy for those events, and their impact.

    It has been significant, and hard.

    And, from a spiritual perspective, through these discovered something about myself that has been profoundly impactful, about the spirituality that has been revealed that exists on my inside – and that’s for another day in terms of writing about it, but it has been a beautiful life filling awakening spiritual journey. (Do have a look in the menu above to see some of the resources that have guided me during this time on this, especially Lucia Cappacione, Eckhart Tolle, Haemin Sunim, Richard Rohr, Gary Zukav, as well as the Daily Northumbria prayer book, The CCA daily readings, and more recently John O Donohue)

    In 1000 days, or more specifically, since I started a 2nd bout of therapy 2 years ago this week, unbeknown to what I thought I was going to therapy for, I discovered a coherency to my spiritual life that I hadn’t encountered before. And I feel significantly better for it.

    God makes more sense too, because actually God makes less sense, but I feel God and this is a whole new mysterious love that is deeply connectful. God seems everywhere and in everything and also deeply within. Maybe that’s what Colossians was about all the time. Reconciliation of all things.

    ( See.. I haven’t rejected faith)

    I have enjoyed in the last three years experiencing a number of ‘online’ churches, with the most coherent, deep, soulful and peaceful being a Jewish Bar mitzvah and the Buddhist meditations, and these I have gone with with Christelle, who I also introduced her to anglican services too with Gemma Sampson (then in Hartlepool).

    I didnt expect to not keep going to church, in the same way that I didnt expect that going to therapy became the beginning of a spiritual journey, via some of the dark nights of my own soul. And also, discovering that soul too. A soul, a life, a ‘James’ that had been left behind and adapted into a type of existence.

    And this is before some of the other things that have happened to me in the last 1000 days, including marrying my beautiful Christelle a few months ago – changing jobs, flats and cars in that time too.

    As I look back on these 1000 days I now notice that its been a time of shedding of the old, and some of that was very painful, some less so, some shedding, like the proverbial Onion involved tears, and other sheddings gave space for the new to emerge.

    And some of that is for the future.

    But for today, its to recognise that its now about 1000 days, especially in a week when the christian faith in the UK has been brought to the attention, it prompted me to share a little.

    Maybe I’m now in the ‘spiritual’ and still slightly religious category, maybe I’m just realising myself and the spirituality within me, within the universe and the divine love that connects all, maybe….

    Maybe its just about becoming me, and that required a deep emotional and spiritual cleanse.

    So, tomorrow, its Sunday… where shall I go for a walk?

  • Self Love is a Risk

    Self Love is a Risk

    You’ve just got to love yourself, they say

    Give yourself time

    You are important

    You are enough

    Its about being vulnerable, and embracing discomfort

    Thats what some of the books say.

    Thats what’s required for life, for creativity and innovation (Brene Brown, Daring Greatly)

    I get it. I want to get it.

    But.

    Even the first of these seems risky.

    Loving myself. Loving and listening to myself.

    Becoming aware of my feelings.

    It was brought home to me over the last few weeks.

    Its a risk.

    Complex trauma, both emotional neglect and abuse, coupled with strong childhood adherence to an evangelical faith make this risky.

    Too many self sacrificing defaults have been set.

    Too many ‘put others first’ learned behaviours have been performed.

    Too many times was it safer for me to revolve around others, my abusive mothers, needs than attend to my own – too many times soothing my abuser meant safety for me.

    Too many times I heard – ‘love your neighbour’ very few times I heard ‘as yourself’ – though with the all too often shame that was associated with too much pride. Shame.

    Ahh yes, that ‘S’ word.

    The word you’d feel if you uttered the other S word in church.

    And fear of being accused of being Selfish was the other S word. Especially at Home.

    It took a risk to start to think of myself as anything, let alone something – though I sort of knew I was ok.

    Self love is risky.

    Knowing I can love myself – without justification

    Knowing I can choose what I do with my time – can feel utterly alien and pushing through sand to feel like this is even allowed or possible

    That voice. That inner critic voice. Be useful. Don’t be lazy. Stay Busy. You don’t deserve this. Surely there’s something else to do.

    Its as if its waiting for that moment.

    Self love can feel a risk.

    A risk because it challenges so much of…well everything.. everything I once knew and had become default.

    My childhood emotional needs, my identity and adaption into an evangelical christian faith (though it needn’t have been as evangelical to still have all those ‘S’ words)

    Loving myself is a challenge and a risk. A risk that means looking inwards. A Risk because I dont often want to look at or be close to the painful bits, or shame bits, and feeling like I’m not able to love myself because I might be in trouble for doing so, or be told off for being selfish, or its something else.

    Self love is risky because i grew up with an understanding of responsibility and fault. I believed I was to blame, and I took on responsibility, because I was projected on as being spoilt, selfish, too clever, messy, not there enough for that person, not fulfilling her needs, not able to ‘fix’ the family.

    The over think everything, get lost in my thoughts, think them through, think all the options, think about what I should have done, what I didnt do, what I need to do what I am , what kind of person I was or am, think James, think, and it keeps on going, wake up with the same thinking thoughts.

    I was the fixer of, and helper of others. Responsible. Over thinking.

    Self love is a risk – for that voice tells me not to be selfish.

    I love the writing of Dr Glenn Patrick Doyle, recently he shared this on his blog

    Self love is a risk. Self love, deep self love is courageous.

    It changes the pattern.

    It undo’s the default.

    It communicates to myself that I am important.

    Its a risk. Its a risk every time.

    Its a challenge every day.

    Brene Brown is right. We are living in an age of scarcity. An age where love is scarce- but where products are traded as love. Loving ourselves is the risk to start turning to whats inside of ourselves as a source of love, a source of peace and joy, and give this the opportunity to shine. Self love may well be the source of the river, where it all starts.

    Maybe Jesus was saying, you can only love your neighbour as you love yourself. That was the challenge set down to the lawyer who asked in the question. Can you love yourself? and in that love – will your neighbour be loved too? It wasn’t just loving a neighbour for show. Where might there be balance in the love for self and neighbour/others in the Bible – just thinking out loud…

    Self love is about being brave and courageous – taking the risk and being vulnerable to myself- not just being strong and getting through it.

    Self love.

    Do you dare take the risk? Do you dare not too?

    Thank you for reading my blogs on this page, if you’d like to support my work and writing further, you can do so by making a gift donation here, thank you

  • Discovering Life Internal

    Discovering Life Internal

    And…….. Breathe……

    That kind of day today, long day for me, what about you?

    So maybe

    Just sit down fellow life traveler

    and do nothing, with me

    Sit comfortably

    and watch

    your stomach in front of you

    rise

    and

    fall

    as you breathe

    Take a deep, slow breath

    and watch

    feel the air in your nostrils

    and

    the release of your chest and abdomen

    empty itself

    of the life air

    Did you notice anything else?

    A smell in the room – what was it

    This evenings cooking? Fumes from outside?

    Your own stale socks from a days work, keeping your feet warm?

    What else did you notice, as you watched yourself breathe?

    Nothing?

    Really?

    When you looked at your stomach rise and fall, and took those breaths

    There was nothing?

    Did something disappear?

    For a moment?

    I focussed on my body, and breathed life into it

    Did you?

    And in that moment

    Mind focussed on Body

    Mind focussed on life

    Mind still

    There was a gap

    That magic gap again

    That magic gap in the incessancy of the mind going a billion miles an hour

    Impossible to stop by thinking it to

    But take it else where

    Focus on life internal

    Not stress external

    Life internal

    That magic breath again

    Your beautiful body full of life

    Your incredible body

    As it is.

    Life mystery

    Hold that breath again

    not that thought

    Hold that breath

    and let it be released

    slow, and watch again

    feel again

    Bodyfulness

    The gap again

    Take yourself to the gap

    Body full of joy ness

    of being alive

    of being you

    In the present moment of every new breath

    Peace – Joy – Self love

    Stay a while longer, as long as you like

    The longer you want to, no pressure

    Come back as often as you like, as long as you like

    Im here, because you are here

    in the gap too

    Return

    To that free gift, the free moment of self-truth

    of the life internal

    love internal

    Joy deep within

    each breath.

    But only when you notice.

    Thank yourself for the time to breathe

    Life internal

  • What actually did I learn from my Parents? (Part 1)

    What actually did I learn from my Parents? (Part 1)

    How did (my brothers and) I learn kindness, trust and loving fun when not a single one of these was a consistent part of my parents marriage?

    Anne Lamott, Dusk Night Dawn (2021)

    This is a fascinating question. Dont you think?

    Ive often wondered similarly. I think Anne Lamott book has given me permission to explore this further:

    How did I learn about love? – when feelings were hidden or false

    How did I learn about kindness- when the dominant parent only stole

    How did I learn trust – when, to this day, it wasn’t a word used at all

    How did I learn…anything at all?

    I don’t remember being taught anything at all?

    I remember being told of for not being able to do something. For not ‘growing up’ and being able to do something.

    I didnt see love, only felt fear.

    And when I think about it, what did I learn at all?

    I learned to stay quiet, make no noise, dont be inconvenient – only room for one person with temper and anger in the house.

    Tip toe on around the eggshells.

    I learned to conform, or be punished

    I learned to put myself to one side, learning to orient around the other.

    I learned to hide the good parts of me, revealing only I safe places

    I learned that I had to grow up fast

    I learned loyalty

    I learned sides

    I learned to shut down

    I learned to be self reliant

    I learned that I had to leave childhood behind – and be mature

    I learned to accept little, limited and not question – to manage without

    when others had.

    I learned survival

    I learned I couldn’t be helpless, couldn’t ask, couldn’t want or need.

    Thats interesting isnt it.

    I learned that I couldn’t be helpless.

    There was only one child allowed in the house. Trophy children aren’t allowed to be messy, be themselves, have emotion, be understood.

    Ive just finished reading ‘Dibs in search of self’ (1964) I found it fascinating on a number of levels. In one interaction between Dibs (aged 6) and the Play therapist, she (Virginia) notes that on one occasion Dibs asks her to ‘help me with my shoe, help me with my coat’ – In a rare moment of helplessness. Helplessness was a luxury that I couldn’t afford. I just had to know things. If I was told once how to do something, that was it, expected to know, like the toddler tasks of wiping my own bum or tieing my own shoelaces. I remember looking with scorn at the children at primary school who couldn’t do their laces. I mean couldn’t everyone. No, what I couldn’t see was that they had the luxury of helplessness, they didnt have to grow up and know. I had to.

    If I had to ‘just know’ how to tie my shoelaces. I had to work out most things for myself. I knew there was no point in crying for help, it wasnt going to come.

    I couldn’t be helpless, so I judged others for being able to be. I learned projection from age 5. To hide what I didnt have.

    So, what about kindness, what about love? What about gentleness, joy or peace?

    Its funny that for an evangelical childhood home – how these were absent.

    There was soothing and accommodating. There was helpfulness. There was hiding. There was avoiding.

    Maybe I didnt need to learn love. I just needed to uncover it. Maybe that more part of my (and your) core and its waiting to spring from the deep of layers of pain or shame or hurt or guilt. But it still makes me doubt? Am I loving enough – do I need to have learned it to give it?

    im in a space where I’m reflecting on what I learned, or how I learned from my parents.

    Theres a part 2 on this coming soon too..

    But – what about you – what did you learn, and how did you learn from your parents? if anything at all?

    Anne Lamott, Dusk Night Dawn, 2021

    Dibs in search of Self, Virginia M Axline 1964

  • Let you be you

    Im talking to you,

    Yes you

    Come closer,

    Come closer

    Look at me,

    Look at me

    I want you to know

    I want you to see

    I want to to tell you

    The truth

    That you are magic

    That you are love

    That you are life

    Breathe

    and let your heart

    let your body

    let the gaps between your breath

    feel

    the magic

    love

    life

    and free

    to be

    Come closer the the magic

    Come closer to the love

    Come closer to the life

    It was there all along

    Inner child running free

    Time to finally be truly me,

    Come closer.

    Let you be.

    Let you be you

    Kicking and screaming

    passionate

    free

    Let you be you

    Dont contain it any longer

    stuck in your mind

    Let you be you

    loving, gentle, kind again

    Let you be you

    all you ever wanted to be

    Let you be you

    the self you once tried to hide

    Let you be you

    as you wonderfully are

    let your magic shine bright

    free

    Come closer,

    to who you are

    Magic, love and free

    Let

    you

    be.

  • Love will find a way

    Love will find a way

    To tell you something is wrong,

    With your heart.

    Love will find a way

    To show you what is hurting,

    With your heart.

    Love will find a way

    To break the barriers,

    Surrounding your heart.

    Love will find a way

    To keep persisting with you,

    From your heart.

    Love will find a way

    Of finding its voice,

    From your heart.

    Love will find a way

    To make you feel it,

    From your heart.

    Love will find a way

    To be found in the gap,

    Of your hurt.

    Love will find a way

    Of showing you,

    What love wasn’t.

    Love will find a way

    To show you fully,

    As you hurt.

    Love will find a way

    Of finding you,

    From your heart.

    Love will find a way

    A path to show you,

    If you listen – from your heart.

    Love will find a way

    To re build,

    That broken hurting heart

    Love will find a way

    That is slow, tender and warm,

    To mend and renew your heart.

    Love will find a way

    To find you,

    So you can be- from your heart.

    Love will find a way

    If you let it break,

    So you can be free.

    Love will find a way

    It’s time to follow its path.


  • Growth, Risking the promise of colour

    Growth, Risking the promise of colour

    Growth

    Begins with death

    Losing, leaving, darkness

    Leaving yourself behind, old you, old me

    Growth

    Requires risk

    Moves

    takes time

    clears, cleanses, challenges, reveals

    Pain

    Sometimes letting

    light in, where once was dark

    straining for warmth

    for light, for love

    Growth

    needs warmth

    needs food

    safe nutrients

    safe everything

    Growth

    at the speed of safe

    not competition

    but attention

    Growth

    faces pain

    Growth

    shows and shines

    takes its time

    shoots appearing

    green, new, tender

    life

    begins

    Growth

    prefers slow

    and the speed of love

    Growth

    a choice of making

    colours from our heart

    life from within

    not without

    Growth

    from within

    from death to light

    with love in pain

    Growth

    Universal language

    prompts from within

    to make us see

    ourselves

    a work of beauty

    emerging painfully from within

    wounded and hiding

    now starting to shine

    risking the promise of colour.

  • Walking the slow path of Freedom

    ‘We’re free from the death camps – but we must also be free to – free to create, to make a life, to choose. And until we find our freedom to, we’re just spinning around in the same endless darkness’

    Edith Eğer ( The Choice)

    I get this.

    Time plays havoc on the possibility of something new

    Moreover, accurately, trauma plays havoc with time.

    Its like it wants to pull you back to that thing – because in the present there’s a reminder of it, sometimes this is certain, other times is unintentional. It was almost likely that I would find something resonating in Ediths book about surviving a death camp, but in a way I was ready for it.

    Other times the moment hits you when you least expect it.

    I think thats why when I write about my life, and write blogs theres not always a simple thread. Some im revealing the hurts, some I’m revealing myself, some are about the process of rebuilding, some are about the methods, some are about a future as yet unknown, full of possibility.

    Sometimes its about realising that I have a choice to, a choice to spin in there endless darkness – and how does that balance with writing about a story, reflecting and learning so that it might do the same for others?

    But what about freedom?

    What freedom is there, after trauma?

    Well, there is every freedom, isnt there? Maybe theres even more on days when we feel like we’ve conquered monsters – revealed them – on other days its feels like a fog in which the future that has never been certain, still is.

    What about the freedom to choose to forgive?

    The freedom to choose to share our story?

    The freedom to live, in a quiet place and be away from everyone?

    The freedom to hide?

    The freedom to choose to do life in the way we want to? Given the contrast between the abusive control that had held it so far?

    The freedom to choose not to fix someone else – instead of focussing on myself

    The freedom to feel my own emotions

    The freedom to not people please

    The freedom to walk out the door

    The freedom to have a safe house

    The freedom to construct boundaries

    The freedom to be able to make decisions

    The freedom to not know

    The freedom to be the didn’t think it was possible me

    The freedom to choose

    The freedom to smile

    The freedom to have fun

    The freedom to rediscover myself

    The freedom to see the spinning, and step off the roller coaster

    and as Edith says:

    The freedom to have life

    for the first time

    Maybe theres no point being free, if you don’t know what to do with it – the temptation as Edith shares is that for so many freedom is terrifying and it was easier for some prisoners of war to stay within the prison walls, those who want to keep you captive make it so hard for you to want to experience freedom, or to have the confidence or self belief too.

    Edith also writes ; ‘When you have something to prove, you aren’t free’

    let that sink in a moment…

    And thats it isnt it, in places of abuse and torture , you dont know where you stand, playing guessing games on a hot bed of eggshells, always trying to prove, please, or appease.

    I spent far too long in my life trying to meet invisible expectations to people who were never satisfied, grateful or happy… or staying in situations of abuse just to prove them wrong. How shit is that? But that was my first 40 years of life.

    So, once we feel the freedom, of the breeze on our faces, the water on our feet, the freedom to start again, the freedom that feels light and fun, even to choose how to spend the small amounts of money that we might be left with, its still freedom.. its about continuing to walk in the direction of freedom, in the direction of opportunity, in the direction of life.

  • The Soul

    Christelle and I shared a few thoughts on ‘The Soul’ and wrote them down here:

    When you contemplate the soul, what comes to your mind? What do you feel? What explodes out of you?

  • Don’t be afraid, of the you inside

    Don’t be afraid, of the you inside

    Do not be afraid

    of the you under the skin

    like a solid orange

    with a lava interior

    You are not the labels you gave yourself

    Someone made you anxious

    Someone gave you fear

    Someone gave you shame

    These are not your labels, just layers

    Do not be afraid

    of the you under the skin

    that hot fire

    pure within

    that’s you

    You are not the labels that helped you cope

    Survival by being helpful

    Survival by hiding way

    Gave you reason and hope

    But dont be afraid of the you inside

    and the treasure you are about to find.

    (James Ballantyne, 2021)