James Ballantyne

Tag: Mind

  • The Longest Journey to make the Shortest Distance

    Ive been on what I call ‘Project James’ for over 6 years now, and in that time to heal from 40 years of manipulative abuse since childhood, including recovering from unemployment and homelessness.

    Internally, breaking down behind the ‘I’m doing ok’ facade, pretend strength but hollow and hurting inside, that had been my survival strategy since childhood, one that I thought was normal, a lifetime of running, avoiding or soothing, in a variety of destructive ways, oh and hoping that Jesus would deal with it, fix it and that ‘church’ would be my saviour.

    And thats just a summary.

    In summary, then, the last six years has included

    • 4 different bouts of therapy, including trauma therapy
    • Pages of journalling, raging and writing
    • Reading an extensive amount of self help books that encompassed:
      • Undertstanding narcissim, psychopathy and emotionally immature parents
      • Codependency
      • Self Understanding on Enneagram
      • Self compassion
      • Inner child work
      • Trauma – including Edith Eger, Victor Frankl, The Body keeps the score etc… 
      • Spirituality, including Eckhart Tolle, John O Donohue and others. 
      • Personal freedom, such as The four/five agreements, and The Untethered Soul
    • Walking and taking on a number of ‘slow’ hobbies
    • Writing, including my blog here

    It’s been a lot. A lot to try and understand myself, alot to be able to become more and more safe for me on the inside to be able to feel emotions, to be able to regulate and to face the pains and damage from my abusers, and also how I internalised and survived it all, and at the same time, work, earn, live and exist. 

    Yet, when I think about it, it’s been a long journey, to make a small distance considerably more healthy and whole. 

    It has been a long journey, in thinking, feeling and experiencing.

    To build connections where there once was fracture.

    To heal the holes, brokenness and wounded-ness between my head, my heart, and my soul. 

    The distance from I to myself. 

    An extensive work to heal a small amount of space.

    A journey I was putting off taking for far too long

    A journey I invalidated and avoided

    My thoughts that I believed, told me that I was too broken, too beaten, too frightened, to guilty, to shameful, too small, too weak, to make, and the journey

    Too big, too exposing, too tiring, too massive, too encompassing, too hard, too challenging and was also too invalidated by those around me, or my own beliefs 
    ( I needed more of Jesus, and not anything of myself….) 

    And a journey that didnt promise any outcome. 

    Didnt shout its reward. 

    Didnt have a map, or compass

    Or sometimes any directions

    It just needed to start. 

    And it started from being broken, started from the place of nothing.

    ‘For when she had nothing to lose, then she was free’ (Paulo Coelho) 

    It started as I changed, slowly, trusting in a moment of vulnerability, 

    ‘I have no home, will you look after me’ 

    When for so long I couldnt articulate weakness, vulnerability or be anything other than ‘the strong one for others’ … 

    The longest journey of the smallest distance started with being broken. 

    Started as my mind had run out of resources. 

    Coping wasnt living, especially wasnt coping in survival mode. 

    The packaging of life hadn’t fulfilled its ‘James hoped for’ expectations.

    Because the landscape on the inside was a barren mine- filled land of fear, terror, a landscape I was afraid of, that was dominating every action, every moment. 

    What I was afraid of held power over me. 

    I couldnt go there. 

    And yet…. as soon as I started the walk….. the universe provided…. angels in the form of spare bedrooms, kind words, walks, safety… beyond anything… safety. 

    And slowly, slowly I began to tentatively see, feel, walk in the landscape. 

    It was and is the journey of a lifetime, for it has been a journey of life. 

    Maybe the longest journey is the shortest distance, and how this is navigated shapes so much of our lives. 

    There are times of deep searching, deep disconnection, emotions and fear, yet I have been open to the possibility of healing and growth within it all, for nearly all of the time, yes some resistance… but old habits change hard…. 

    It was only the gap of the thoughts, 

    It was only the gap between heart and soul, 

    No distance at all….. 

    Yet an ongoing journey of love, of life and gratitude

    Towards a place beyond.

    Tentatively.

    Where life is and was all along.

  • The Invitation

    Because in this moment

    There is nothing to fear

    Just you

    And what is.

    The water, the stones, the reflection

    That, is , what, is here

    If you are here.

    Truly really here

    Notice the stillness

    And do not be afraid

    Of the moment it creates

    Do not be concerned

    About the next thing, or the past one

    Do not be in a hurry

    To rush right past

    Do.not have to please

    Or perform

    Or think

    Or fight

    There is no fight

    There is no other time

    There is no….thing at all

    Just be here

    All of you

    Invited into stillness

    By her.

    By the river, no…

    Not by her

    But by the universe, the big girl

    Notice

    Do not take

    Do not give

    Just open, your heart to be here

    Relax those weary shoulders

    And she will give you ….everything…

    The very breath you share with her

    Is hers all along

    And yours all along too

    Stay, you are invited here

    The gathering of your soul in the stillness of the water

    The gathering of.your heart and body to gaze….to delve

    To play deep into her, where you belong

    And your soul finds it’s home

    She desires and calls you into her intoxicating love

    That embraces you in love, unconditionally

    So you can stay here forever

    And not be afraid.

    Rest at the speed of soul.

    Notice her

    Notice you

    And be loved.

    Wholly and deeply,

    In the stillness.

  • My Most Toxic Relationship (was the one I was responsible for)

    Over the last 15 months I have been keeping an ‘affirmation’ journal, in which each day, and each day with only 1 day missed in this time I have written positive affirmations to myself, maybe they’re from the universe, from God, from angels, from my heart to myself… it doesn’t matter, they have all been positive.

    I started it after I had this interaction with my therapist back in November 2023……

    I have realised that it is possible to say loving things to myself.

    I have realised that it is possible to believe the same loving words about myself.

    It was as if I was able to tentatively walk on an ‘island’ of self affirmation, of a different inner voice being stronger and more practiced than the other one.

    The one in which I had been swimming in thick treacly water for my life before hand, with an island of serenity being a dream away, beyond anything possible.

    That was its own lie. Beyond wasnt possible.

    And for the months in the last year or so, because I have been able to live in an existence with a positive inner voice, it has made the other one more obvious.

    The water may have been felt, at times, definitely. But swimming in it? not as much.

    Yet my critical mind wanted to cling on for so long.

    It wanted to keep its role.

    It had convinced itself it was the only protector in town.

    It needed to be.

    Because it had been. The inner critic. Had been ruling the roost for 45 years, almost without any challenge at all.

    It may have been exacerbated and created by some of the significant people around me, but when I listen to what it said to me, I realise that the most toxic relationship was with myself.

    The inner voice that I gave too much power to.

    The one that drove a type of perfection, that tore myself in half for every semblance of mistake – self hatred.

    The one which tried to protect me from a kind of vulnerability that would open me up.

    The one that ‘stayed strong’ in the midst

    The one that gave up

    The one that despaired

    The one that thought it was always in trouble

    The one that felt it was always responsible

    The one that felt small and helpless

    The one that was disappointed and cynical

    The one that said I wasnt good enough…or deserve to be loved

    The one that feared, and was scared.

    The one that carried shame – for my own, or others pain.

    The one that self loathed, after comfort eating, and the rest

    The one that fell short, and felt burdened by ‘sin’

    The one that kept trying and failing

    The one that was living for a tomorrow, or trying to soothe when ‘conditionally ok’ – trying to find the ‘next thing’ to make everything feel ok. And not face the actual thing.

    The one that ‘felt’ disappointed if something I tried didnt work, when I say disappointed, I mean rock bottom yukkiness.

    The toxic relationship of that inner voice telling myself all these things, constantly, it barely stopped.

    And what made it wore, that without any alternative, this voice was deemed God in my inner psyche.

    Yeah. That toxic.

    I thought that voice was God. It was God. yuk.

    I look now, and so, when I hit the emotional break downs of 2018, or mid 2023 I wonder, that actually what also need to break, was the toxicity in myself, that had festered, honed and been plaguing me since birth. Because a childhood of survival isnt a childhood of life, love, nurturing or protection. I bricked up for safety.

    And day by day, moment by moment in the last few years, and even more so in the last 14 months, self love has created self- safety to feel emotions and to rest in my own body, and let my mind off the hook.

    It was love after all.

    The tiniest crack of the strength of love, that began my turn to myself.

    And now a day practice, which my heart speaks – rebalances my critical mind’s power.

    Stops me using language and meanings against me, but for me, and unconditionally.

    Lent. A journey into the shadows. A time to heal. A choice, to face it.

    A time to see.

    Time to notice.

    That for me, in a place of deep self love

    I can live knowing I am love, loved and that even those days and times when my mind wants its say, it isnt the only voice in town. It is met with love.

    Healing myself from within, has been excruciating at times. Facing the shadows and not being afraid to ‘go there’, listening to the voice, but not giving it to its lies.

    Love wins, and Love is in you in abundance.

    One tear at a time. One breakdown to break in to the warm on the inside, and let it flow.

    My most toxic relationship, was the one with myself.

    And that was the only one I had the responsibility and power to heal.

  • Love feels Strong

    This piece could be written in a number of ways, from a number of starting points. But I want to keep it brief.

    And I want my heart to write to you.

    It arrived to me as I was writing my book yesterday. The phrase was uttered by one of the characters.

    Love feels strong at the moment.

    Love feels strong.

    And as I wrote it, I marvelled.

    Love feels strong.

    Because this phrase flowed from my soul to the paper.

    Love feels strong.

    Love used to be non existent. Love was hidden and small. Head protecting heart.

    Head felt strong. Mind felt strong. Mind in control.

    Yet, also , Mind overworked, Mind critical, Mind protective, Mind the necessary superhero.

    Heart and Love hidden weak, vulnerable, timid, in a body that felt shame, self loathing, self denial.

    Follow the mind, it’s always right, isn’t it?

    Especially when tarnished by abuse, hurt, pain and decades of survival.

    The mind is right

    The body is weak, Love is weak (or only pure if from ‘God’)

    But it wasn’t true. It isn’t true.

    My mind, your mind is wonderful – but it isn’t everything

    It doesn’t tell you the truth all the time.

    It sometimes tells you too many things that were never true that someone else said.

    It sometimes tells you things to keep up the pretence of being strong.

    It creates melancholia, suffering and attempts to hide.

    It wants to be strong.

    And it can sometimes feel as though it is completely over reaching itself to control you.

    But there’s someone else waiting to guide you. There’s something else thats a superpower too. And it has even more power than your mind.

    Love.

    Love from within can create space in your over thinking mind

    Love from within can soothe your body – feel your own loving touch on your skin instead of scratches

    Love from within can enable you to breathe.

    Love from within is fire to weep away the coldest of hurts

    Love has been waiting in the background, invisible, pateint

    waiting for you to be open to its treasure, its gentle possibilities, the power it has to heal and connect you from within

    Love feels strong, when sadness, pain and anxiety once ruled. Love grew.

    Love opens. Opens smiles to the universe of light.

    It wasn’t God given, it was inside all along. It was there all along.

    Gentle self love, Patient self compassionate love, Strong courage love.

    Love feels strong inside.

    Feel the glow of strong love, let it guide you, let it sparkle inside you.

    Let love be you. Let you be love.

    Let you be open to strong love. the power of the deep inner love.

    Let perfect inner strong love make your fear weak. Let it give your mind a rest.

    You can make love for yourself. You can, because it’s not unique to me.

    You can love yourself into your new beauty.

    Love feels strong.

    You are love my friend, a stronger love resides in you that you think, because your think doesn’t want to give power away, but you can.

    Because you are you and your mind isn’t you. You can bring love into your life game, you can live with an open hearted brave courageous strong love.

    You can choose, and love can feel strong.

    Love feels strong.

    Love is strong. It really is.

  • The Elusive Gap

    Something to do, somewhere to go, something to worry about, something now, something then, something tomorrow, something near, something far away, something someone else said, did, or didn’t do, something, there’s always something

    Something to feel guilty about, something to feel concern about, someone to please, someone to be responsible for, something to react to, something…..

    There’s always something

    Something to read, something to tidy, something to give, something to buy, something to see, something to be addicted to, something to plan, something to make, something

    There’s always something

    Something crowding in, something taking away the space of being

    Something there to soothe the thing that’s a worry

    Something stressful to focus on instead of the actual thing that needs dealing with

    A pressure, a twist, a turn, a plan, a dream, an ambition..

    Something…

    What if there was a gap in the something, the elusive gap

    A gap in the cultural programming

    A gap in the emotional state

    A gap in the responsibility

    A gap that you and I make

    A gap to breathe, slow

    A gap to notice the pace of the things and decide not to be on that pace

    A gap in which the inner voice can be heard

    A gap in the moment, a gap in the mind

    A gap to notice that you notice the inner voice, and that this is not you, just your voice

    A gap to listen

    A gap to feel the present moment

    The present you

    Where no thing else matters but you, inner you

    Human you, conscious you, alive you

    Can you hear the gap calling?

    The voice from the deep, screaming, making itself known to you, wanting space

    Wanting the gap

    The gap between, the Elusive gap

    Thats the power you and I have

    The power of the now moment

    The time is now, yes now.

    A brilliant resource on this, on becoming more aware of your consciousness is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, Im also just reading his follow up – A New Earth.

  • On Intuition

    On Intuition

    I love this by Anne Lamott:

    You get your intuition back when you make space for it, when you stop the chattering of the rational mind

    The rational mind doesn’t nourish you.

    You assume that it gives you the truth, because the rational mind is the golden calf that this culture worships , but this is not true.

    Rationality squeezes out much that is rich and juicy and fascinating.

    Sometimes intuition needs coaxing, because intuition is a little shy.

    But if you try not to crowd it, intuition often wafts up from the soul or subconscious, and then becomes a tiny fitful little flame.

    It will be blown about about by too much compulsion and manic attention, but will burn quietly when watched with gentle concentration

    Anne Lamott, Bird By Bird (1994)

    What has it meant to me, to let my soul speak?

    What does it mean to you

    That spark from the well of the soul

    Warmth, energy, power, from within

    Tentative

    What has it meant to me to hide my inner voice for so long, to have the rational mind needfully take over for my own survival. Rational mind to survive. Intuition and inner voice to nourish. Theres a big difference.

    What do you think? What do you feel? What colour is your intuition when it emerges from within?

  • How walking helped to heal me

    Maybe each day you should just go for a walk

    Said my friend who I was staying with after leaving the family home in the midst of my breakdown.

    By myself? I thought?

    Without a purpose?

    Just a walk?

    Not just ‘walk the dog’ or walk to a place, or walk to get to something – just a walk?

    Yeah, just go for a walk, it might do you good

    And so I did.

    Virtually every day. The walks I had done before I had done with a dog, the walks I had done before were with headphones in, the walks I had done before had been for work reasons. Distraction. Functional. Escape.

    And at first it was well, a bit awkward. Just going for a walk.

    It was a walk through a small edge of city village, through tunnels and there was the cliffs and the sea.

    But I realised that I liked exploring, and so I did.

    Whilst in the midst of so many clouds, I walked.

    Clouds etched on my face, as below you can see. One of very few photos of me. So much pain on my face, looking back, I was a shadow, grey, hiding, pretending to be ok.

    This was me.

    My friend lived near the sea and the coast, and I started to look a bit closer and enjoy.

    Sometimes I used those walking moments to take photos, to phone friends, to try and work out what was going on in my life, to try and understand.

    Mind all over the place, busy, thinking, clinging on, trying to make sense of the clouds

    Sometimes in those days I wouldn’t be completely present to the space I was in, so I’m not going to say that it was a state of natural bliss as I walked along the north east coastline.

    But I walked

    in my own cloud at times. But I walked.

    Sometimes I walked miles

    Sometimes I walked miles to place where there was a coffee shop on the coast.

    Sometimes I walked in the rain

    I would try and find new routes

    New paths, for me

    Most of the time I preferred to walk in a circle

    Id go early in the morning and get up and see the sunrise

    Other times it would be the sunset

    There was a bench on the cliffs that I could sit on and watch the sea.

    Getting out, by myself.

    Beginning to enjoy my own company.

    Beginning, the glimpses of beginning to sense a change

    Seeing nature. Seeing things. Perspective shifting.

    Tiniest specs of change

    Im not going to sit here a few years later and say that nature was healing me, but I might say that it was the beginning of something.

    Fresh air…the opportunity to breathe, when friends on the phone were saying breath, my air was coastal and by the sea.

    I could slow down. With no pressure or expectation. I could explore, get lost in the caves.

    Enjoy coffee

    Take a book even.

    And just be.

    Sit on a pebble and watch the sea.

    Sit and look at the pebble.

    Watch as others walked with their dogs.

    Eat bramble.

    Throw a pebble into the sea.

    Getting hot, too many clothes, or cold with too little, trying to get back before it got dark

    Maybe even finding the pub on the way back, or the old bits of railway nearby, that evoked that childhood railway joy

    The pub with the railway name too, and pictures

    Talking to strangers in the pub. Talking to strangers with their dogs

    Me, walking.

    There was always something to find, something to see. An angle on life that I hadn’t noticed before.

    And I was noticing.

    Todays tide was different, the sea was different, the cloud colour was different. No two walks ever the same. the world is different, and so was I.

    I was enjoying what I saw, and it was healing to the wounded soul.

    I went almost every day.

    I was bruised, hurt, confused, and yet walking was doing something, nature was doing something, my eyes were doing something.

    Something was starting to awaken.

    The silence of the sky, the crash of the waves, they took me away. Took me to the present.

    A walk will do you good.

    It did. Its the same for all of us..isnt it?

    And now I still walk, we all did during lockdown, dont you remember.

    We walked and sometimes stopped to see, to feel, to notice, that the world was bigger, and more beautiful outside.

    And that we are all wondering like strangers on beach, trying to find our way home, but doing it outside not trapped inside.

    I still walk, and now I have a better camera. I still walk and sometimes notice, and still walk and forget to.

    I sometimes walk and forget to take myself along, as im elsewhere distracted by the noise of the world. That sometimes I have to be reminded to stop.

    And be me.

    And notice.

    Notice the colour, notice the sky, notice the flower, the bird in the air.

    Just see it for what it is.

    Walking in amongst the industrial landscape, beautiful rugged, panoramic Teeside, walking along the beach, walking with myself.

    Taking myself out for a walk.

    Not just going for a walk, but taking myself, me, out.

    Nature was healing me, and helping me to see.

    As I walked, as I saw, as I felt awe and gratitude for what I could see

    Snippiets of moments where my mind could stop.

    Now I look, and look intently, and the colour, the movement, the scene, watching the eyes of the birds or dragonflies move.

    A walk gives me chance to see the possibility of something that helps me see the work differently, gives me the possibility of stopping, and focussing on something, whether its the camera or the binoculars, to see the world in detail, the smallest detail of the wings of a dragonfly

    and be captivated in a moment.

    Go for a walk it will do you good

    I rarely return from a walk feeling less calm that when I started.

    Something has usually given me joy.

    Something in me often has shifted.

    Walking might be my body way of doing natural EMDR, the treatment my therapist showed me and helped me to do.

    Step by step.

    Heart beat.

    As I walk, dont think…feel.

    Feel and walk at the same time. Sense it, sense the feeling like im sensing the sky.

    Feel alive, feel bliss, feel me.

    Sometimes a walk is just a walk.

    Its when I take myself out for a walk

    that I start to notice me.

  • When the battle for our mind shifts

    When the battle for our mind shifts

    You must control your mind Harry, don’t let Voldemort find his way in to control you

    That was one of the main weapons that Voldemort used to control Harry. He got into his dreams, he got into his mind. He set up scenarios so that Harry would jump to the rescue to be the hero.

    It was a battle that Dumbledore, Snape, Ron and Hermione tried to encourage Harry to put a stop too in most of the last 3 Books.

    Control your mind Harry.

    Control it. Dont let him in.

    Dealing with an abuser is a battle of the mind.

    They torment dreams. At unlikely moments cause pain in the forehead, the ears, the mind.

    Shock. Terror. Fear. Shame. Guilt.

    Harry had to try, and was largely unsuccessful in controlling his mind.

    When we’ve been in traumatic incidents our minds are affected. Fragmented, Damaged.

    We also over think the situation. At least I have done in the past. Mind not stopping. Its as if the abuser wants to keep that part of us guessing. Keep that part of us moving all the time. Second guessing their behaviour. Relaying the wound of a previous torment back into our bodies, adrenaline. Vigilance. Scared.

    Control your mind Harry.

    When we’re over thinking…how are you breathing? How am I breathing..what have I noticed? I stopped breathing, I need to start..but..slowly…

    What else do I notice?

    I can’t think straight…I cant think of the possibilities..Im in fear, terror, react, fight, flight, freeze response… I cant breathe..

    You must Control your mind Harry….

    Dont let Voldemort in….

    But then something strange happens.

    Gradually, as Harry works out the patterns, Gradually as Harry works out Voldemorts weaknesses, Gradually the game shifts.

    Harry deliberately opens his mind. Because thats where Voldemort reveals himself. Thats where Harry can see what he is up too. The power shifts.

    Harry has the power, in his mind.

    He has worked out the patterns, Harry is stronger, Harry isn’t reactive, that which Harry has been abused by, is what Harry uses to assume control and power. He sees it and Voldemort for what he is. Harry has also learned not to react immediately. Hermione slows him down.

    Once we see the same patterns of our abusers we can see the way out. They have, largely the same patterns. They often rely on our immediate responses, responses out of fear, guilt or shame. Most of the time no response, or no, will reveal them for who they are. Patterns like DARVO for one, and The Drama Triangle.

    My mind used to be all over the place, but thats how I dealt with what I was going through, by not dealing with it. Shut everything off, but only keep the mind open. Full time concentration. It has only since I have been in a safe place where I have relaxed, and realised I dont have to concentrate all the time. What I have also realised and am learning is how to respond to the infrequent emotionally immature communications from the abusers. Sometimes I think it would be better to block them, cut them off at source, other times, like Harry , it could just be important to be able to keep an eye on them, especially if other people might be in danger because of them.

    I love how the power shifts in that last Harry Potter book, revealing to us all what it takes to have power over those who we have been terrified of. It starts with being more self aware, slowing down, and realising that we dont have to respond, crucially also Harry found this more able to do in places where he was safe. Surrounded by those who love and support him and also in safe distance. When we change. When we see. We see something different. We see that we have power.