James Ballantyne

Tag: narcissism

  • 10 Red Flags to Identify Emotionally Unhealthy Christians

    Trigger Warning: Emotional Abuse, Spiritual Abuse, CPTSD, Narcissm, Child abuse. This piece contains material that may cause a reaction. 

    Following Tanya Marlows quite brilliant piece on the statements that Christians have used in the wake of the RZMI revelations, in it she identifies a number of phrases that then get banded around, often excusing, minimising or disconnecting a persons character from their ministry, mostly after the revelations have been made public. That piece is here 

    But his books are still good, right? – 5 things Christians must stop saying about sexual abusers

    I want to add a few more, to that list

    Though, her list includes: 

    1. His books are still good
    2. ‘we are all human’ everyone makes mistakes
    3. Blaming pedestals. 
    4. God can use anyone – this is a great example..
    5. The Biblical excuse – equating Kind David as a mirroring example.   (Tanya Marlow)

    Do read in full. 

    I want to build on this, by suggesting that there will have been a few things said BEFORE the case was made public, that signify that there were signs that there was emotionally immature practices from along time ago.

    Before you think that these do not happen in the UK (and RZMI has been in the UK) , and RZMI is a one-off, then I’m afraid you are mistaken. Emotional immaturity covers a range of personality issues, such as narcissism, sociopathy and psychopathy. 

    1. The Loyalty Card. 

    This gets played when someone disagrees with them. Rather than converse or dialogue with the person in a healthy conversation, they often dismiss this, using phrases like “I dont agree with them, and we as an organisation shouldn’t entertain it’ or ‘ You’ll bring shame to the family if you carry on saying things like that’ or ‘we cant have those kind of opinions in our church’  – loyalty is the card, played because they dont want to argue, but more that they seek adherence and conformity. Emotionally immature people throw this. They are often only interested in their opinion, not listening to someone elses.  This one is very very common.  Loyalty is regarded very very high in emotionally immature people. Closely linked to this is the shame that they throw towards you, and you then get to feel guilt for saying such a thing. Loyalty is often accused by those who actually show no evidence of being it themselves. It’s projecting, or gaslighting too. 

    2. Invalidate Feelings.  

    ‘They’re just emotional, They’re just sensitive’ This gets played to dismiss that someone might even have emotions when they have been wronged, and make a complaint. Somehow its as if emotionless responses are the higher ideal. Maybe, its that culturally in churches we place a very low regard for any emotions. So, when people display them, they are often dismissed, devalued and ignored. Can also include ‘ they’re always angry’. The emotionally unhealthy can look people in the eye and still lie. Emotionless is somehow then believed and that culture then created by them. 

    3. The Jezebel.

    You know its about to happen. The attack. The use of the J word. Its on its way. ‘They’re just a Jezebel’  Once the emotions have been highlighted, now the complainant is given the highest calling of all, the name above all, the most magnificent insult known to nearly all women who dare to a)disobey, b)show disloyalty, or c) expose an abuser and the ministry they hold. 

    They are the Jezebel.

    The sounding attack of the emotionally immature christian leader. (or twitter troll- same thing)  

    Notice that men dont get the insults as easy. But Women await the Jezebel insult. Wear it with pride. It’s coming. ‘Jezebel’ is on its way. 

    4. The forgiveness card 

    Following a concerted, even pastoral attempt to soothe the situation, often by saying things like ‘ you’re just bitter, angry’ then forgiveness is requested by representatives of the abuser, said like ‘you just need to forgive them, dont hold it in your heart’ ‘God wouldn’t want you to see them in that way’  ‘let go and let God’ 

    Forgiveness, as I have learned, is not something the abuser has the right to suggest, neither is it for the institution who houses them to offer it. Especially when those whose voices have expressed concern have not been taken seriously. 

    5.  The ‘Giving away the bare minimum’ card. 

    That wasn’t a big deal, everyone does that. I didnt do anything. I didnt do that. 

    But they did do this. 

    One thing that you can be certain of is that an emotionally immature person admits to merely the tip of the iceberg.

    So, they belittle the one thing, giving it away – oh I did just do that, but it was nothing 

    like ‘I dont abuse people, but I maybe have said the odd thing’ – its as if they are happy to give away something and admit one thing, the tip of the iceberg. 

    It is often just that. The tip of an iceberg they hope you never see. 

    What ever they admit to, what they actually did do was 5000 times worse. 

    6. Spiritual Bypassing or weaponising. 

    This could be similar to the forgiveness card ‘ everyone else needs to…’ – But its when they say things like ‘lets just pray about this’ or ‘Im sure God will help us at this time’ or ‘we just need to pray more’  or ‘We just need to make Jesus central to this’ – Especially in cases of emotional abuse, this is said when the person wants to avoid actually dealing with something to do with themselves, and holding up a spiritual bypass card to avoid wrestling with or having their real emotional trauma or state revealed. 

    And weaponising scripture. Ill not add it here. But throw a few bible verses out context to make people doubt their opinions and feelings, and you’re there.  

    7. The Role card 

    Usually in the form of ‘As a christian ‘I cant do that ‘thing’  or ‘Im a minister, theres no way I would do that’ or ‘Ive been doing this ministry for 20 years I wouldn’t do that’ or ‘As the child of a ________, that really isn’t me’ 

    Often they’ll play on an identity or role to make it look as they couldn’t do something. In a way what this does is separate them into roles and identities. When accused, or when challenged, they slip into an identity within which they cannot see themselves as anything other than a Godly, Holy person. However, what they disassociate from is the behaviour and their own personhood that has committed it. 

    They also see you in a role. Often one of the 3 in the Drama triangle.Image result for the drama triangle

    8. The ‘self loathing and victim mindset’ card.  

    No one else truly understands me, im just a worthless worm, im like Elijah under the tree, Im just one of those people Satan attacks, im tormented, theres days when I wish the whale would swallow me. 

    This is closely followed by using these examples to exegete that their life has been one long drama, and that everyone needs to feel sorry for them.  Its a rubber guts humility. (They play victim in the triangle, using Biblical references as a guide) 

    They are actually bragging about the things that they are asking you to feel sorry for them. They brag about they are repenting for and proud of it. 

    9. The ‘just trying my best’ card

    Im just trying. Everything I do seems to fail. Im just trying to be a good vicar/person/husband/leader/pastor. Again said to request that someone else needs to see them as the helpless trier who keeps trying, and wants a second chance. 

    also seen as ‘I have a good heart…ive just made a lot of mistakes in my past’ 

    or can look like. 

    ‘Im a good guy, trying my best, why are you the only person I cant get along with’

    Problem is that they have had millions of second chances, and if you have offered second chances, chances are others have too. Chances are, they are unlikely to be good, honest, decent – though they keep saying they are trying to be.  ‘You’ll just have to trust me, ive changed, this time its different’  – do question how this is the case, and them reading the bible or praying more, doesn’t count. Therapy, though, might. 

    I wish it wasn’t the case, but, unless the emotionally immature see themselves and do something about it, they will nearly always be unable to do the good they see others do. At times their only reaction is to be jealous of it.  Until that point, they are only saying they are trying their best, and its just words.  

    10. Not taking any responsibility.  

    Never, not once. Its everyone else fault. Satans. Gods. The congregation. The previous church,  ‘Its the world is full of darkness’ …The previous partner, and add more… 

    They use your compassion on them, to give them a second chance, it’s how they can hide. 

    If you start to hear any of these, the red flags need to be raised.  Get vigilant, aware and begin talking to each other, They will play you all off. Their only hope to survive is to divide and rule. 

     Darvo is one of the key patterns to look out for, because the emotionally immature will seek to confuse their victims, complainants and the system itself by switching roles.  The victim triangle is one to look out for too, as the emotionally immature will nearly always only operate in one of these three roles, Victim, Rescuer (often Codependant) or Perpetrator. 

    Thank you Tanya, for your piece yesterday, Thank you to all the women and men who have had to raise their voices and concerns in cases and not been believed. Emotionally immature, unhealthy churches and organisations are all around, they are full of emotionally unhealthy people. Often the emotionally healthy are the ones whose voices get belittled or sidelined. Strange that, when they often know what’s going on. 

    Please do leave a comment, like this piece and also if you have other examples to add, please share. Thank you 

    Many of the resources from which I gathered these from are in the menu link above. 

  • I grew up with a psychopath in the home (and a christian one)

    I grew up with a psychopath

    One of my parents is a psychopath.

    I don’t say this lightly.

    My mother is a psychopath.

    There, I said it.

    I grew up with a psychopath

    A christian one.

    Just saying this out loud is pretty phenomenal, or is it?

    I mean didn’t you all do the facebook quiz ‘Discover if your mum is a psychopath and get a high score…? no, I thought not…

    Its a bit different from that Johnny Briggs TV show of my own childhood, ‘My mum, who’s a nurse… ‘

    When I started blogging nearly 10 years ago, I did not think that this would be the blog I would write.

    Probably because at that time I lived in blissful ignorance, actually, numbed trauma reaction, to the extent of my parents emotional coercion and abuse.

    Was it ever possible to see?  Yes, and everyone knew more than they realised. But it wasn’t possible for me to see it.

    So, it was no surprise to me this year when I realised that my mum is a psychopath. Actually it meant that all the pieces fit together.

    It was one thing to realise that I was subject to emotional abuse as a child. 

    It was another thing to categorise my parent as a narcissist 

     Another again to regard them both as emotionally immature. 

    It was a step further still to regard her as a psychopath. But honestly, its the only accurate conclusion. 

    It wasn’t a shock in anyway when it was pointed out to me by two separate people in the last year, one of whom knows her pretty well.

    I realised something else this year too.

    You know that thing where some kids defend their parents and are loyal to them, even when they raise the alarm about abuse, or when others attract their parents. Theres a natural defence and loyalty from children to parents at times, despite everything.

    This is not something I have ever consciously felt. It was only this year when I realised that I hadn’t ever stood up for them. So, something must have happened when I was a young child, and thanks to trauma therapy I’ve worked, and working through this.

    I have always known that my parents, mum especially, was weird. But an 11 year old isn’t going to come to this clinical realisation. A 31 year old didn’t either.

    And in the main, a number of you reading this, if this makes it to my home town, or places where they have lived, also know.

    You felt it, but couldn’t put your finger on it. You were bullied, then played as a victim. You were taken from, and never given to. Gifts were never without reason. Social moments where often of shock, and orientated around her. They played people off each other , all the time. Unable to see or understand why they aren’t liked.

    In his book ‘Surrounded by psychopaths’ Eriksen suggest that there are 20 behaviour traits that a psychopath is likely to display much of the time. (I know there is A PPI test too.)  She scores very high.

    These behavioural things include:

    Grandiosity, Jealousy, Shallow feelings/emotions, Egocentricity, Superficial charm, Role playing, pathological lying, cunning and manipulative, entitled, need for stimulation, early behaviour problems, parasitic lifestyle, lack of realistic long term goals, failure to accept any responsibility, juvenile delinquency, Callous.

    But it wasn’t a shock. It was more a dawning reality that helped me explain who I am. Helped me explain my life choices, and the divisions within my family, that kept everyone apart.

    So, im 42, 43 soon, and have lived 41 of those years trying to appease, exist and revolve my life a psychopath parent.  A parent, or parents in which none of these are true . Parents who exist only in the drama triangle, and perpetuate DARVO .

    Image result for drama triangle

     

    When I have shared this with a few people, they have said that they were sorry. Sorry for me, that this is what I have had to realise or face in my upbringing.

    As Lindsey Gibson writes too, Emotionally immature people (a term that encompasses psychopath, narcissist, sociopath) also disassociate. Dissociative personality disorder is evident in my parents. This has enabled one of them to commit shocking behaviours in their entire life, and not feel any remorse or guilt, or shame, and certainly not take any responsibility, amongst other things. But switching personalities, roles and identities was common.

    So, in piecing all the behaviour together, the trauma, the terror, the victim role playing, the dissociation. I had only one unenviable conclusion.

    My mother is a psychopath. She’s also Evangelical.

    My mother; The Christian Psychopath.

    I grew up with a psychopath in the home.

    Now I know it, its time to live with the awareness, heal from emotional trauma and be the person i am meant to be.

    (PS. Im aware that there will not ever be a diagnosis. Thats just the point, they wouldn’t actually go themselves, voluntarily, and even in any court case it would be difficult to prove. No one walks into their GP and says ‘ can I have a psychopath test please?’ and thats just the point. Admitting this would even mean acknowledging a self awareness, that is absent. )

    The resources that helped me identify all this are here 

  • Everyone knew…but everyone was terrified

    ‘All the same’, demurred Fudge, ‘they are here to protect you all from something much worse.. we all know what (Sirius) Black is capable of..’ ,

    ‘Do you know, I still have trouble believing it, said Madam Rosmerta thoughtfully ‘Of all the people to go over to the dark side, Sirius Black was the last id have thought…I mean, I remember him as boy at Hogwarts. If you’d told me then what he was going to become, I’d say you’d had too much mead’

    ‘You dont know the half of it , Rosmerta’, said Fudge gruffly ‘The worst isnt widely known’

    (From JK Rowlings Harry Potter, The Prisoner of Azkhaban)

    In this scene, Harry is listening under the table, to a conversation about the background of the escapee prisoner Sirius, and how Sirius had close links to the Potter Family. It is this exchange that strikes me. You have the revelation of the action of Sirius, and the disbelief of one of them in conversation, that even so many years later that the accused, Sirius could be like they are.

    Yet as the narrative unfolds the grisly truth of Sirius behaviour is revealed.

    He is stone cold, shameless when confronted by his own behaviours of betrayal – seeming perfectly normal in the heat of a crime , and betrays Harrys Parents to let Voldemort access to their home to kill them.

    Some people just dont know, they hide all their behaviour behind closed doors.

    Some still are like Rosmerta, in disbelief that anything like this could be the behaviour of the boy Sirius.

    But its as difficult, when people do actually know.

    Some people have been entitled, shameless, narcissistic bullies all their life.

    They are well known to be weird. Well known to be easily angered, jealous, spiteful, over emotional, ego centric, and turn on the victim tears at the sight of challenge or being called out.

    People knew about Sirius, though some didnt.

    What could anyone do?

    Ive wondered this a few times this year.

    Two people have told me that they are apologetic that they knew, but didnt protect me.

    What could they do?

    Everyone knew.

    But did nothing

    Because.

    They could do nothing.

    Everyone knew

    But were scared themselves.

    I know they couldn’t.

    Everyone knew

    But they were terrified

    Everyone knew

    But they were traumatised themselves

    They knew she was easily angered

    They had felt it…

    They hadn’t been seen themselves, just prey for her ego

    And had to work hard, work together to piece the story

    They now avoid, put up boundaries.

    They had been used as a complaining sponge, to hear who she was wanting to complain about this time, me, my sister, their friends, the church, her job.

    Dumbfounded in disbelief.

    ‘Theres nothing wrong with James… its his _________ thats the problem’. (Once said a Vicar who knew me aged 19)

    Some people can hide their abuse behind closed doors. Other people wear it on their sleeve. All the time.

    On their sleeve. In full view.  Revealed all the time. Like Jimmy Saville for example. And the soon to be impeached one.

    You cant say ‘why didnt you leave’ when you’re a child. There is no escape. And that shouldn’t be said to anyone in a domestic abuse relationship anyway.

    Didn’t anyone else see?

    But everyone knew.

    Everyone still does know.

    Some people have been like it from their beginning.

    And it’s tolerated. Accepted. Protected even.

    ‘They’ve always been like that…. ‘

    ‘They cant be expected to change…’

    They play victim to get sympathy, whilst squeezing every other emotion out of the room.

    Agreed.

    Some people are not cunning enough to hide themselves.

    Some people dont get the chance to have a Rosmerta defend them.

    The worst isnt widely known

    because it would make you shiver.

    Thats the point, rules dont apply to them.

    Scared

    No one could do anything

    because everyone is terrified.

    Its a trauma response that sends chills down the spine.

    and

    no one fully knows the other half of it.

    Some of the abusers are hidden in plain sight. Some have displayed it all the time.

    Just that they have had their accusers silenced and delegitimised.

    If you saw or knew, but didnt do anything, no one blames you, I don’t.

    Why did no one do anything?  Well….. who could? Who would want to?

    Everyone knows, even now.

     

    (and I know Sirius isnt necessarily the person they claimed to him be, thats not the point I was making)

  • DARVO; the pattern to get smart on

    One of the benefits of being a survivor of emotional domestic abuse is that you can see the patterns of behaviour

    One of the disadvantage of being a survivor of emotional domestic abuse is that you can see the patterns of behaviour, everywhere, and at times, like I was when watching Stranger things recently, I get triggered by them.

    Growing up I was perceptive. Smart was a word people used also. I had to be, it was a survival mechanism to stay afloat with the narcissist in the house.

    What I couldn’t do as a child was articulate emotional abuse. How could I? – who can – its difficult enough when the bruise is visible.

    What I have become aware of as I have recovered from, and then read further about emotional and psychological abuse is that it is possible to see patterns.

    My previous piece here -is about gaining knowledge to heal.
    In this post I describe how psychopathy is evident in churches, and how to raise awareness of this.

    As someone perceptive, observant, and probably under went hyper-vigilence, anxiety and fear as a child, with emotionally immature parents , add the perceptivity to the knowledge and then patterns start to appear.

    Not only do the perpetuators of emotionally abusive acts, act in similar ways, their response when they are confronted is also similar.

    Its a cycle, and one that I want to bring awareness of, for those who have to deal with safeguarding, and bringing people to account who display such personalities.

    The first step is Denial.

    Of course they aren’t going to accept what they did, often a denial is in the form of denial (and then a reason is given for why they actually did what they did do, even though they denied doing it) There could also be a distracting acceptance here, ‘Of course I didnt do this, I couldn’t do this.. but I may have done this…'(instead, or smaller crime) 

    By the way an emotionally immature person is famous for behaviours that are so wrong that no one would have thought to make up rules against it. Like preside over the insurrection, often stealing things, like democracy, but could be other items, or any crime.  (Lindsay Gibson, 2019)

    The second is Accuse

    This can often be at the same time as the next two stages, but, Accuse – can look like scapegoating someone else, blaming them. It can be the classic and well trodden accusation that ‘everyone is being sensitive’ or ‘we got very upset when we were accused of’ – or ‘we were hurt by all your anger’  or there is a personal attack on the whistleblower somewhere in there. ‘They are emotional/sensitive/jealous , trying to destroy my job/ministry’ 

    This leads to the third thing…

    Notice how in part 2, they switched from perpetrator to victim..then..

    Part 3 is Reverse Victim-Offender

    They literally swap. In front of your very eyes. Its the tears of the girl who cries wolf, when she beat up the younger sister whilst looking after the wolf. Its the person who claims to be the victim, after being accused of doing something that they cannot conceive was in any way offensive. But they will turn from bully to victim in the blink of an eye. 

    They often then seek support from those who only see this side of them. Them as perpetual victims. Some people only see themselves as this, therefore are almost delusional to the offence and coercive control that they are actually perpetuating. 

    If you want to discover more, it’s here… DARVO 

    What does DARVO stand for? - Quora

    Can you imagine what its like as a child, or adult for that matter, seeing this in front of you?  When you have seen with your own eyes that abusive people have acted inappropriately and then in the blink of an eye play victim. And play the kind of emotionally immature victim that seeks the child to console them, and be on their side. Imagine how a child might try and articulate all of this and what they might be expected to do.  Some parents appear as the victims of the times they bullied their own children. Yes. Ill say it again. Some parents assume the role of victim after they have bullied their own children. And then expect the other child to be on the parents side.

    So, before I digress too far.

    Patterns.

    After the abuse is when you see them. Though, not everyone believes you even when you can see them. Or if you’ve lived through it.  one of the things to look for when dealing with emotional abuse, gaslighting, narcissism, psychopathy, is that DARVO is often apparent.

    What to do about it, is to be aware of it, and discover ways of not letting the Darvo monsters play you off in their game. Thats when you become their flying monkeys and enmeshed by them. Start to feel sorry for someone emotionally immature/narcissistic and all of a sudden your life, and previous friends, and families are divided into ruins..and so is your church, or entire nation when previously (USA) or currently (UK) led by one.

    If you are in a position of responsibility in churches, and especially in safeguarding one, then DARVO is definitely something you need to read up on.

    Simple infographic about DARVO based on research by Dr. Jennifer J. Freyd. For a high-res PDF copy click here .