I often get the question; ‘What was it like growing up with your parents?’ – especially those who have read my story.
Ill tell you. In a moment..
Im just reading Oprah Winfrey and Bruce Perrys book ‘What Happened to you?’ in which they describe what it would be like to ask this question (as opposed to ‘whats wrong with you?) in regard to responding to situations of trauma in society – especially amongst some of the most judged in society (notably young people). It has given me much food for thought, especially in regard to youth/community practice, and ill share more on that on my other blog.
But the book also touches on a personal level.
So Ill give you a trigger warning, Emotional and Parental Abuse.
There’s a beautiful story near the end of the book in which Oprah recalls a friend of hers cutting up a strawberry in the kitchen in which the friend delicates cuts up the strawberry for the daughter in the shape of a rose, and calls them rose strawberries, it is in this moment that Oprah thinks to herself:
This is what a mothers love is
Oprah Winfrey, 2021
It is when Oprah sees the example of love that she realises what she didnt have, that she grew up ‘without’.
Without a Mothers Love.
I have written before about how growing up with psychopathic parents meant growing up Alone. It was also about growing up ‘Without’ .
Yet it was a bizarrely hidden ‘without’ .
It was a ‘without’ behind closed doors. Behind the doors of respectability that didnt include any of the so called ACES (adverse childhood experiences), it didnt involve moving houses, countries or cities, or being in care. It didnt involve divorce or unemployment.
It was like existing without care, protection, love, nurture, support.
It was without being seen, being visible.
It was without being able to ask, for anything
It was without.
It meant learning to exist with a shield, strength shield of ‘learning to cope without’ or denying the need of any of these things.
Which is why I sought refuge into my head. And pretending that everything was ok. That I was ok.
And buying mothers days was an activity filled with falseness, real birthday cards were blank ones.
When I grew with a fear of seeing to be selfish – then I understood not to ask when in need of anything – to go without
When I grew up told off for being ungrateful – then I understood not to ask for something in case it would appear that I wasn’t content with what I had.
When I grew up without praise or affirmation – then I learnt to keep working harder without reward, in case there might be one.
Growing up without meant – amongst other things – without pocket money (that’s what Granny does and I dont do that, also ‘you’ll just waste it’) . Money and possessions are a big deal with the psychopathic/narcissist, everything belongs to them.
Without meant turning up to school with arm patched up clothes, packed lunches, and when the dentist suggested braces and travelling 11 miles to get them fitted and fixed every 3 months being told ‘ No you can’t have them that bad as I’m not going to do that’ .
When I grew up trying to understand how to survive every action or moment without being told off, or ‘upsetting the mother’ – then realising what isn’t there love, care, attention, affection, visibility, nurture, protection doesn’t even figure. There was no giving only taking.
Oh and it extended well beyond childhood.
There was no offer to contribute towards any studies, (even though there was insistence to attend 1 graduation) , neither was any support , housing or financial during my marriage separation 4 years ago (but there was upset that I didnt ask) . These were experienced, without.
It was also a without so many things, and yet as I use this phrase it reminds me that ‘with’ was one of their phrases around food. It would be after some fairly disastrous first course, that a second (pudding) would be unleashed. It would be some kind of over baked, under fruited, or reduced priced pie/crumble or equivalent, and to hide it various additions would be trailed out of the fridge, to hide the original monstrosity/admission of undervalue – so ice cream (value/vanilla usually), evaporated milk or custard – or at Christmas cream or the squirty cream – the ‘with it’ was a show, a covering. It was over done, to hide ‘without’ . At this point the challenge was to be true and ‘go without’ because what looked like ‘a lot’ – a table with 5 of cream, ice cream or custard – was lacking something core, but to deny it was to appear ungrateful, because there was a weird kind of choice on offer. Gifts were toxic. So actual need requests couldnt be asked for.
That’s what growing up in a psychological abuse home was like.
It was without care. It was without heart, soul, safety, space, or fun.
There was ‘with’ – but it came at a price.
So I read Oprah and Perrys book, and realise that what I have wanted to be able to give, I had to learn, but was not what I had any experience of. Growing up emotionally alone, meant going without, existing without, surviving without, making life work for me, despite them, not because of them.
Growing up ‘without’ meant too that I was completely susceptible to any care and attention from others, I didnt have a ‘God shaped hole’ in my life – it was more emotionally psychological than that (not that I knew at the time, most of the time) , but I certainly filled this with ‘God-shaped’ activities, in becoming part of a church through my teens and beyond. Neglect is one of the biggest issues in Child Safeguarding.
That ‘without’ has then played out in so many ways.
As I grew up ‘without’ I had to force myself to consider valuing myself.
To ‘treat’ myself
To ask for help – and know it could be trusted
To realise I couldn’t do it alone
To realise too that I could receive love, blessings, hope and be able to see, feel and experience the love of the universe, God and others.
Over the last few weeks I have realised that I would have struggled to read, or dwell in the ‘Blessings’ of the book that I bought a few weeks ago (by John O Donohue) – I would have discounted these as weird, ‘new age’ , ‘not very christian’ – all to hide the real truth, that I didnt want to accept that I could receive something good, or feel something good, a blessing.
Learning to live ‘without’ – has meant having to now come close to and notice those things, notice, accept, and know. Sometimes I get angry that I realise how much I was fucked up by my parents. Sometimes, like this moment with Oprah and a strawberry it gives me an opportunity to pause again, face a truth, and remind myself, compassionately of who I truly am. To be grateful of how I survived, and my strength in doing so. To be compassionate on my wounded heart and its capacity to love.
There are many scarcities in life, and shame is one of them, its anti dote is self compassion. So, as I close…
May I breath in the love of the universe, kindness, goodness and generosity, may I be healed through attending to myself, and holding myself with warmth. May I hold myself with warmth as I attend to and discover what happened to me.
Every moment acts as an opportunity for self compassion. This journey keeps on giving.
Thank you and bless you for reading. May you receive and give love.
James Ballantyne 