James Ballantyne

Tag: nature

  • Stillness Revealing the Flow

    It was only when I stopped did I notice.

    As I stood on the bridge

    I stood still, only breathing

    As I sensed the world flow around me.

    On a bridge.

    Next to me, the footsteps of people, passing by, their flow of movement, the chatter, the excitement, the practicality of voice, crossing roads, heading out, heading home, their movement a flow, to and from, each with different speeds, unless their hands beautifully held together, walking to the same rhythm.

    And then the cars, in the space behind me, from many destinations, it was their engines, the acceleration, and brakes, from known places to other places. Carriages of metal, making their way, as they did so, I felt the air pressure change on my back, as larger cars, or trucks forced themselves through the cool air, and made themselves known.

    Underneath me, the flow of water, gathering pace down stream, clear, greens underneath, awash with whispers of white waves, reflecting the sun, twinkling in the sun, water reaching for its sea destination, and on the way accommodating, inviting life to partake in the home it creates in its depths.

    Flow, restless, never ending, from its origin, ultimately the heavens and back to it, via the mountains, the gulleys and heading out to sea.

    Flowing underneath me. The river dancing its way in shimmers of glossy light, its flow controlled by volume, and directed by the land with which encases it, aside from later in its life downstream its force brings edges of soil and rock to their knees.

    And as I stood, alive to the flow, the wind breathed its deceptively coldness, on this bright sun filled day. Origin unknown, destination, unknown, yet it made its presence real to me, the cold flow across the back of my arms, head and calves.

    Wind, that breathes itself freedom, an unstoppable, untameable force, now creating power, yet as I stood, its cold flow caused shivers, its energy cool.

    Underneath the river

    Behind me the cars and people

    Around me the wind

    The Flow of life

    That exact time, of a quartet of flows, never to be repeated.

    And I, the watcher, the feeler, standing there.

    Still.

    A contrast to the flow.

    Preventing in a minuscule way, particles of wind from finding their destination, affecting on me.

    Flow of energy all around, life force mysterious, known and unknown combining in restless urgency, and creative power, nurturing life, and travelling through, each journeying. And I being.

    What flow, circulates around me, invites me, where shall I go, how shall I flow, open, flying on the breeze, floating down the river, swimming up the stream, walking along predetermined concrete, free as the wind.

    Where time is measured in wonder, and joy and creativity, partners in the dance.

    And then, it was time.

    Time to walk.

    Alive to flow.

    Alive to being Still, amidst it.

    ‘Stillness is the canvas against which movement can become beautiful’ (John O Donohue, Divine Beauty)

  • Daffodils

    There are daffodils in the world too,

    And puppy dogs,

    And trains that leave on time

    There’s children playing in the sea,

    And squirrels all around,

    There’s families playing board games,

    And teenagers doing their art,

    There’s wonder and there’s treasure in the world all around.

    Theres more love that overcomes the pain

    And joy when children play in rain

    There’s snowdrops peeking from their hiding

    And lights spectacular, in the morning

    That’s the world you actually live in,

    That’s the one to enjoy

    That’s the one you make and shape

    The reality that you see.

    There are daffodils in the world too

    A million good things verses the damage of lies

    Look up, look out and look deep within.

    There’s more love than there is sin

    See that daffodil, see that rose

    Thats the real of the world we live in.

  • It all started with a Goldfinch…

    It started with a goldfinch, making its pearl like chirping from the tree, just outside St Cuthbert’s Church, Darlington.

    Ordinary Goldfinch.

    Making me take notice at it.

    And ended with a Bumble bee scrambling for the pollen in the blossom in the trees opposite.

    And in between that distance of less than 10 metres, I walked. Slowly.

    No deadlines. No expectation. No Time.

    Slow Wonder Walking.

    Following the path along the river Skerne.

    Slow, almost the same pace as the river itself.

    Could I see the otters? Maybe.

    Walk slow. Notice

    Everyday wonder in the midst of the ordinary.

    The bee springing from the nettles

    The wren launching itself from the base of the tree trunk to a branch then shouting at me in its loud voice.

    The Dogs that didnt give me dog hugs. The Owners that smiled when they didnt.

    Slow step.

    Surprise after Surprise.

    Unexpected red breasted Merganser. Female, on her own.

    Grey Wagtails, fluttering their uniquely yellow underbellies.

    The joyful playful shriek of the girl toddler running away from her pretend chasing daddy, squealing and playing with utter delight. Her all black romper suit covered in a myriad of rainbow hearts. Joy.

    I wondered that I used to run, run away, or need to go fast.

    But now slow.

    Contented slowness.

    Embracing peace.

    Shades. Streaks of sunlight.

    Slow walking

    When we walk slow, we give the opportunity for a new person to grow inside of us

    Paulo Coelho

    Who is that person?

    That same joyous toddler full of curiosity and play

    Probably

    Sounds of play

    Sounds of nature

    The inner feelings of bliss

    Some kind of bliss

    Some kind of calm

    Rest.

    Bridge.

    Wonder at reflections.

    Watch the water ripple, make them fuzzy

    Watch and wonder.

    Stare.

    Be.

    In the moment, of accepting the magic of the ordinary.

    10 minutes of staring at willow branches fluttering in the water.

    interrupted by the joy of pooh sticks.

    Wonder, magic, delight of floating sticks.

    And beating grandpa.

    Boy running. Boy in wonder.

    Wonder.

    Awe.

    Everything is magic.

    Everything is open.

    Slow.

    Walking, back the same way.

    Temptation to think, ive been here before, must go some other route

    But I haven’t, I haven’t been there in this moment.

    “Always we have to look, Today suddenly a flower is the reason for your surprise, tomorrow it may be the same flower, just with a different colour, because of the age of the flower”

    Paulo Freire

    Resist the urge to need to go somewhere new, do the same, do it slow again

    I am 20 minutes older. Inside. Or Younger. How does this new person feel time

    It just is.

    Feeling its way in the moment.

    Though suddenly…

    Oh look what’s this, a thought, a thought about tomorrow, a thought about something I need to do and suddenly, my feet have grinded up a gear…. subconscious speeding up,

    Lost from the moment, into thought.

    Noticed.

    I saw you.

    I saw you thought.

    But I am here.

    And I stopped you.

    Because you are not for now.

    This is now.

    Wonder is now

    Slow is now.

    So I made you stop. For now is wonder time.

    And those dancing grey wagtails captivated once again

    And the gold crest in the tree

    The couples with their beautiful babies in pushchairs, all full of life and energy

    Noticing the joy.

    Noticing my feet slowly placing one foot in front of the other.

    feeling. Breathing. Heart filled with joy.

    That new person finding life

    That new person safe in wonder

    Smiling, arms outstretched

    Whistling Heaven.

    When I walk among the hills.

    Walking slow.

    Walking in wonder.

    Awakening.

    In the moment.

    Seeing in the midst, glory in the everyday.

    Timeless unbridled joy.

    Being fully alive.

    Peace from within.

    Return to the town.

    Slow. (but slightly quicker crossing the road)

    Calm.

    Bliss.

    An avenue of blossom, beauty amongst buildings.

    It all started with a Goldfinch.

    It ended with a bumblebee.

    A blissful walk that went nowhere, but everywhere in between.

    Wonder at Wonder. Awe is something awesome.

    Some kindness of bliss.

    Wordless, thoughtless, timeless.

    “What remains will be the love that moves the heavens, the stars, people, flowers, insects, the love that obliges us all to walk across the ice despite the danger, that fills us with joy and with fear, and gives meaning to everything.”

    Paulo Coelho

  • Overthinking: A Tale of Three Walks

    Overthinking: A Tale of Three Walks

    The best way for me to describe this is to tell you a story.

    Last Sunday morning I had fun with my camera.

    But. I had to make a choice to do this.

    Because, the previous Thursday I went out, hoping to have fun, a relaxing walk, mixing some bird watching and photography. But for some reason it wasn’t fun. I had got to a point of digesting a few days worth of new knowledge about photography skills and practice and then went out armed with this knowledge.

    On a grey uninspiring day. I also went to go nature walking.

    There wasn’t much nature, and there wasn’t much of interest. It was a bit bleak.

    Here’s a few examples from the day. Grey light mostly.

    In short, I got back and felt as though I was trying to do too much.

    Rushing. And over thinking.

    Was I enjoying the walk..? No.

    Was I chasing a bird or moment of nature? Yes

    Was I trying to use my camera and look at scenes , sometimes..

    Was I trying to practice a new skill, walk and find places, or see nature?

    Too much going on. Over thinking.

    Anyway. A few moments of fun in the sunset. Nothing is wasted, absolutely.

    But I got back and thought id wasted a day, frustrated.

    But on Sunday things were different.

    I went to a place I had only been once before, HedleyHope Fell, just outside Tow Law, last time I was there it was wet and cold and looked like this:

    Though I also realise that this photo doesn’t give any indication of how wet it was that day. Its just a tree. But trust me it was wet here in November.

    On Sunday I went, the sun was hazy and out, and I decided that I would solely use the space to walk and try taking interesting photos, try some different angles and settings and just have some fun. I also thought I would take seriously the suggestion that I would tell a story, and the simple story of my photos was that it was me going for a walk.

    So, in 8 photos, here’s me going for a walk at HedleyHope Fell.

    Im not going to write this 4 days later and make out that I was gliding around the setting, in a beautiful flow of human with camera making beautiful art.. but I can say that I was having fun.

    I was lost in the moment, yet present in the moment. Observing landscapes, light and scenes in front of me, trying to look, feel and sense the place.

    Being present.

    Enjoying myself.

    And, I could tell what happened to take me out of this.

    A text message , just as I was about to climb up the hill to the car.

    A message that took me away from the place, the fun and the enjoyment.

    I should have turned off my phone, but I dont do that for emergency sake, and text messages are so rare…so, I

    was into thinking again. Panic even.

    In that moment I lost presence.

    Even breathing and trying to ‘slow down’ I had gone. Only my body remained in the fell, my mind was elsewhere, panic anxiety or whatever it was.

    I did have plans to go to a different nature reserve after this one, but instead I faced the challenge, knowing that avoiding it would only make me worry more. Though I had resolved that on my drive back home that the worst case scenario was unlikely. And, it was unlikely. It was and is something I can deal with.

    So its all ok.

    So in a way I am proud of myself for how I responded and reacted calmly to a situation..eventually.

    But what im also aware of is how easy it is for the fun and enjoyment I was having to burst like a bubble.

    My flow went, my mind raced, panic, but then gradually logic and calmness did return.

    I did go out again later, and I did enjoy an afternoon of sunshine, but what I did on this occasion at the nature reserve, was focus on recovering calmly from the minor stress, walking, breathing and doing the nature thing. Doing one thing at a time. So just outside Darlington at the Burdon Community Woodland, I got these photos.

    Maybe not the best photos. But that wasn’t the point.

    But it was important for me notice that I had to focus on one thing.

    Walking and being in nature is good for me for slowing down, for appreciating connections with the earth. It was what I needed to restore myself. Sitting and waiting for an owl, or the movement of birds slows me down. It was one thing to focus on. It wasn’t the time for me to learn a new skill, a new toy. I needed something different for myself, than I needed in the morning.

    Fun in the morning, Slow speed in the afternoon. Nature in attendance.

    So, that’s my slightly unwieldy story about overthinking. Im kind of over thinking whether I should even share it, because its probably not that interesting, or enlightening, just me going out for walks and realising when I’ve been present in them or not, and I would imagine that’s just like any one of us.

  • Sensing the Mystery of Being Alive

    Sensing the Mystery of Being Alive

    I got up early this morning, waking up early

    After I showered, and said good morning to my love Christelle and read her to sleep

    I sat on the couch, and started to read a book – the same book – but a bit further on

    A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.

    The view from my couch was a bit like this

    Looking out the windows, above the eye of the book

    Turning the page, in between sips of coffee

    I see movement in the corner of my eye

    A fledging blue tit on the arc of a branch

    Looking at me

    I looking at it

    I didnt rush to get a camera or binoculars

    Just stopped, and watched

    and looked at it

    Looked at it, for what it is

    A bird.

    Two Blue tits (Taken at Cowpen Bewley Woodland Park February 2022)

    Just a very ordinary bird

    But as I looked

    It wasn’t just a blue bird, a small bird, a young bird

    It was a joint traveller in this world

    Sharing the universe with me

    A creature of magic flight

    A fearless wonder

    Taking a moment on a branch

    To look me in the eye

    To feel the same mystery

    of life

    of air

    of flight

    A part of me, and part of it, one in the same universe

    Sense of being in the moment

    Sacred, pure creature, looking at me

    What does it take to notice?

    What does it take to sense being?

    Time to look up

    Time to see

    Time to breathe in and wonder

    To sense the mystery of the universe

    The magic of being,

    of being…Alive.

  • The Surprising Sex life of a Dunnock

    One of the new hobbies I’ve taken up in the last few years has been nature and bird watching, to accompany this I’ve bought a few reference books, you know the sort, the ones that appeared on other people’s bookshelves as I was growing up, like my nanna, actually.. RSPB British birds, that kind of thing.

    As well as taking the book out with me when I go walking, it’s been relaxing to read it, and also read it to my fiance Christelle. she’s been more interested in birds that I have thought, and I tentatively shared with her originally that I was beginning to like this slow hobby.

    But recently we’ve been reading together the different bird species in the UK so that we can go walking together and identify some. San Diego has very different birds. So

    So far I’ve read to her some of my favourites or the more interesting ones, like kingfishers, owls, goldcrests, Swans, blue tits, finches etc

    And many of them are very similar, in the ‘breeding’ section. There’s a courtship, female and male make nest, either or both incubate, either feed and then young fledge a few days or weeks later. Same for every bird I’d read so far.

    So, today I had no great expectations for the dunnock. Small grey/blue bird that my only knowledge of really was that it was prime nest material for the devious cuckoo.

    Dunnocks, it transpires practice polyandry and polygamy.

    Dunnocks are the promiscuous of the UK bird life.

    Who knew???

    I certainly didn’t…

    Clearly when the UK birds were deciding their mating patterns, the dunnocks were like ‘sod that, were doing our own thing to survive and reproduce’

    Look again, that little brown ish bird that hangs around with sparrows but hops along the ground…it’s hiding a bit of secret on its ‘relationship status’ more to the point it looks like either male or female it could be in multi relationship, that it seems like, works ok for it

    The thought of promiscuous dunnocks has made me smile all day, so I thought I’d share it with you. Maybe it’s a reminder to me to keep looking for the surprising stories in what appears grey, small and insignificant. M

    Maybe it’s about life and the world being full of surprises waiting to be encountered and explored. Maybe it’s just that I found the surprising sex life of a dunnock funny today was all it was. Sometimes the world has fun for us in places we didn’t realise.

    Even the writers of RSPB birds think so too.

  • Healing through Hobbies and Interests

    ‘Tell us about any Hobbies and Interests that you have’

    This used to be one of the common questions in job interviews, the kind of thing to add in the later section of the ‘Record of Achievement’ burgundy coloured leather folder from school , but as I was out yesterday, walking, bird watching, enjoying nature, I was thinking about how this has become a ‘hobby’ and ‘interest’ and how long I might do this for.

    Why might I be thinking like this?

    I guess I started to reflect on the amount of hobbies and Interests I have had in my life – and my relationship with them.

    I sometimes think that I have gone from one hobby or interest to another quite alot in my life, and then i wonder whether thats the same for others, do other men just have one or two hobbies, and then stick with them for their whole lives?

    Some hobbies I have needed to have because they helped me to exercise and stay healthy – they also kept me out of traumatic houses for a long period of time – So – Road Cycling – which I thought I would do forever, until I met English roads, which hold no joy after cycling in Scotland for the first 4 years.. but I still have a bike – ridden once in the last year… part of this too was pushing myself, climbing hills, longer distances, physical exertion, faster, longer rides, recording them on map my ride, then strava…

    Gardening and growing food – Yay! the hobby that I though I would do for a very long time that cost alot of money…..the joy of homegrown carrots, chillies, herbs, potatoes, onions, radish, onions etc, and the despair of picking off late night slugs….but then I ended up not being in that house any more, after spending money on raised beds and equipment… but also that was another hobby that provided therapy and purpose in the midst of an awful relationship.

    What else have I done?

    Football matches? yes – and Ive supported one team since I was 8 or 9, but though I have been to a few matches, the thrill of the live game is often emotionally counteracted by some of the fear I feel with large crowds and alcohol, especially if I have to also protect my son when we used to go together. It can feel like thousands of people taking out their anger on 11 other people. Enjoyable in winning times, but not always.

    Food and Breadmaking – This is partly because I had to, do the cooking, but also I blame GBBO for this, I started bread making as Paul Hollywood and GBBO began to get more well known. I got obsessed for a few years…. I have enjoyed cooking, and I do think making food is an act of love and im glad I still enjoy cooking food in my current situation – but it was something devalued and belittled/not appreciated during previous traumatic relationships. So, bread making a hobby, cooking an essential that I enjoy for its creativity.

    Playing Tennis, Running (until I get injured), DIY (essential in buying cheap homes to do up) , Reading, Writing (like this) , Trains have been less of a hobby now, than as a child, then there were the 4 video game years, in which I spent far too long playing Xbox – mostly Fifa 07 or motor racing games. Then theres Social media, twitter, facebook – is that a hobby or something more all consuming?

    What about you?

    Do you have 1 or 2 set hobbies that you stick to, or seems to flit around doing lots of different things?

    I wonder also, how much trauma and things like ADHD have an effect/impact on this. I can certainly tell when I ‘needed’ hobbies and interests from an emotional/mental health point of view – but probably didn’t realise this at the time, or want to admit it, also I can trace some of the changes of these things as times when I was criticised by emotionally abusive people for doing them, often they didn’t like the ‘mess’, ‘the cost’ ‘the time’ that these things took, and generally making me feel bad for doing them, or having to fight to even do them, despite their criticism.

    What about Hobbies and you? Do you have them? Have you just one or two? and what is that you get out of them… someone once said to me, in terms of the things that you choose to do, do things that worship you, or that you get back. Some hobbies give back more than others, I think of how I feel when I reach a milestone cycling and how this compares to the magical moments of nature, or the satisfaction of creating something… some create environments where it becomes difficult to leave them, like football, some are more essential, some are to ‘keep busy’, and not stopping. I wonder also how many of our hobbies and interests are to take us away from the difficult things, and have our mind consumed by something else, which is absolutely fine, but again – what might it be that we’re avoiding?

    Often, the people that criticise you for having hobbies, are also the people who dont have them. Part of the criticism is that they’re jealous that you might be happy, or enjoying yourself without them. Part of it too is that they cannot reveal being happy. People make themselves very elusive without hobbies and interests, and impossible to please. And don’t get me started on the people who’s hobby is shopping… (I have a 23 part series on that person, see above) .

    Part of this blog is thinking about loud, about Hobbies and interests in our life. Things change as we get older, of course they do, they change because of circumstance, cost and time – Birdwatching and nature emerged for me during the first lockdown – yet it was something that has childhood memories too, or my grandparents. Its a hobby and interest that has therapeutic qualities, as Joe Harkness explores in his book, bird therapy, about watching, about focussing on the present, about being connected to nature, but other hobbies do that too, dont they, like running, cycling etc

    So, what about Hobbies for you? How have they helped? How might they heal? How have they changed?

    Why do you do them? What do you get out of them? How have they been contentious in relationships?

    How long will I enjoy the slow walks, birdwatching, photography and nature? Who knows…

  • Do look up

    Do look up

    ‘Look at the Sparrows…….they dont plant or harvest or store food in barns….Can all your worries add a single moment to your life’ (Matthew 6; 26)

    ‘Look at the Stars……see how they shine for you..’ (Coldplay)

    Ive heard a lot of sermons about the Sparrows verses, and usually they are about trust, trusting in God – because its was often about ‘see how your Heavenly Father feeds them -and aren’t you more valuable than the sparrow’ This is the part that would be emphasised.

    But what if this wasn’t the point? what if it was about looking, what if it was about the ability to see

    To see the sparrow.

    To look at it.

    So, go on, look at that sparrow outside your window.

    Give it a stare.

    What do you see?

    Maybe its a pigeon on the street as you are sitting at a cafe reading this – look at the pigeon – what do you see?

    Just stop for a while, and look at it

    Your mind might want to think about all the judgement of the pigeon or ‘boringness’ of the sparrow.. and thats ok, keep looking… and as you do so breathe

    Do you see the colours, it wings, the shape of its feet, its eyes, head, and …anything else?

    When you look at the sparrow – what are you not looking at? When you give your attention to it – what are you not giving attention to?

    In his book ‘Bird Therapy’ Joe Harkness writes, when looking at a Dunnock – a bird often mistaken as a sparrow – ‘I only discovered their beauty, as I took notice’

    This isn’t a piece about the merits of birdwatching – its about looking.

    Jesus causes me think about the mind of the birds – look at how they do not worry about food – look at how they behave, look at how they feed, look at how they are – look at them – notice them…and

    at the same time

    stop looking at yourself for a moment.

    Look at something that you have no control over, or should have no desire to control

    Look at something that is not looking at you judging you, comparing you

    Look at something that lives in the now, has patterns of life, that is in the present

    just..look…

    What if the imperative is that – by looking you focus into the present, the now – and this causes some of the worries to disappear, even momentarily..because.. the mind is somewhere else

    Maybe even in 1st Century Palestine there was enough man made stresses, that the act of looking at sparrows was becoming less practiced…as trade and farming increased, and the country was threatened by the Roman Empires.. – in those moments its difficult to remember to look – survival was the instinct..

    As we look – we stop

    As we look – we are in the present

    What about the now

    What about the gap in time created by looking

    what are you noticing?

    What is in the gap?

    Time is what keeps the light from reaching us. There is no greater obstacle to God than time’

    Meister Eckhart

    Stay there

    Look at the stars – see how they shine for you

    Look at them

    Do look

    Do look up

    Force yourself

    Look up from the things that are otherwise all around, look up from them

    Do you notice how every distraction wants you to not do this?

    observe the voices, let them have their say…but dont act on them

    carry on looking…

    Look…. at the Sparrows – what do you see? What do you see in yourself..as you do?

    Do look up

    References

    Eckhart Tolle – The Power of Now – 1999

    Joe Harkness – Bird Therapy – 2019

    Photo credits, Myself with a Nikon P950 Camera.

  • How walking helped to heal me

    Maybe each day you should just go for a walk

    Said my friend who I was staying with after leaving the family home in the midst of my breakdown.

    By myself? I thought?

    Without a purpose?

    Just a walk?

    Not just ‘walk the dog’ or walk to a place, or walk to get to something – just a walk?

    Yeah, just go for a walk, it might do you good

    And so I did.

    Virtually every day. The walks I had done before I had done with a dog, the walks I had done before were with headphones in, the walks I had done before had been for work reasons. Distraction. Functional. Escape.

    And at first it was well, a bit awkward. Just going for a walk.

    It was a walk through a small edge of city village, through tunnels and there was the cliffs and the sea.

    But I realised that I liked exploring, and so I did.

    Whilst in the midst of so many clouds, I walked.

    Clouds etched on my face, as below you can see. One of very few photos of me. So much pain on my face, looking back, I was a shadow, grey, hiding, pretending to be ok.

    This was me.

    My friend lived near the sea and the coast, and I started to look a bit closer and enjoy.

    Sometimes I used those walking moments to take photos, to phone friends, to try and work out what was going on in my life, to try and understand.

    Mind all over the place, busy, thinking, clinging on, trying to make sense of the clouds

    Sometimes in those days I wouldn’t be completely present to the space I was in, so I’m not going to say that it was a state of natural bliss as I walked along the north east coastline.

    But I walked

    in my own cloud at times. But I walked.

    Sometimes I walked miles

    Sometimes I walked miles to place where there was a coffee shop on the coast.

    Sometimes I walked in the rain

    I would try and find new routes

    New paths, for me

    Most of the time I preferred to walk in a circle

    Id go early in the morning and get up and see the sunrise

    Other times it would be the sunset

    There was a bench on the cliffs that I could sit on and watch the sea.

    Getting out, by myself.

    Beginning to enjoy my own company.

    Beginning, the glimpses of beginning to sense a change

    Seeing nature. Seeing things. Perspective shifting.

    Tiniest specs of change

    Im not going to sit here a few years later and say that nature was healing me, but I might say that it was the beginning of something.

    Fresh air…the opportunity to breathe, when friends on the phone were saying breath, my air was coastal and by the sea.

    I could slow down. With no pressure or expectation. I could explore, get lost in the caves.

    Enjoy coffee

    Take a book even.

    And just be.

    Sit on a pebble and watch the sea.

    Sit and look at the pebble.

    Watch as others walked with their dogs.

    Eat bramble.

    Throw a pebble into the sea.

    Getting hot, too many clothes, or cold with too little, trying to get back before it got dark

    Maybe even finding the pub on the way back, or the old bits of railway nearby, that evoked that childhood railway joy

    The pub with the railway name too, and pictures

    Talking to strangers in the pub. Talking to strangers with their dogs

    Me, walking.

    There was always something to find, something to see. An angle on life that I hadn’t noticed before.

    And I was noticing.

    Todays tide was different, the sea was different, the cloud colour was different. No two walks ever the same. the world is different, and so was I.

    I was enjoying what I saw, and it was healing to the wounded soul.

    I went almost every day.

    I was bruised, hurt, confused, and yet walking was doing something, nature was doing something, my eyes were doing something.

    Something was starting to awaken.

    The silence of the sky, the crash of the waves, they took me away. Took me to the present.

    A walk will do you good.

    It did. Its the same for all of us..isnt it?

    And now I still walk, we all did during lockdown, dont you remember.

    We walked and sometimes stopped to see, to feel, to notice, that the world was bigger, and more beautiful outside.

    And that we are all wondering like strangers on beach, trying to find our way home, but doing it outside not trapped inside.

    I still walk, and now I have a better camera. I still walk and sometimes notice, and still walk and forget to.

    I sometimes walk and forget to take myself along, as im elsewhere distracted by the noise of the world. That sometimes I have to be reminded to stop.

    And be me.

    And notice.

    Notice the colour, notice the sky, notice the flower, the bird in the air.

    Just see it for what it is.

    Walking in amongst the industrial landscape, beautiful rugged, panoramic Teeside, walking along the beach, walking with myself.

    Taking myself out for a walk.

    Not just going for a walk, but taking myself, me, out.

    Nature was healing me, and helping me to see.

    As I walked, as I saw, as I felt awe and gratitude for what I could see

    Snippiets of moments where my mind could stop.

    Now I look, and look intently, and the colour, the movement, the scene, watching the eyes of the birds or dragonflies move.

    A walk gives me chance to see the possibility of something that helps me see the work differently, gives me the possibility of stopping, and focussing on something, whether its the camera or the binoculars, to see the world in detail, the smallest detail of the wings of a dragonfly

    and be captivated in a moment.

    Go for a walk it will do you good

    I rarely return from a walk feeling less calm that when I started.

    Something has usually given me joy.

    Something in me often has shifted.

    Walking might be my body way of doing natural EMDR, the treatment my therapist showed me and helped me to do.

    Step by step.

    Heart beat.

    As I walk, dont think…feel.

    Feel and walk at the same time. Sense it, sense the feeling like im sensing the sky.

    Feel alive, feel bliss, feel me.

    Sometimes a walk is just a walk.

    Its when I take myself out for a walk

    that I start to notice me.