James Ballantyne

Tag: No

  • The challenge of saying No (today)

    The challenge of saying No (today)

    I had built it up over the weekend, tried to put it off, thought it, over thought it, woke up thinking about it, not been able to sleep thinking about if its the right decision was about to make.

    Then I realised that it wasnt that it was about the ‘right decision’

    It was about the fact that I had to say no to someone, someone who offered me some work

    I didnt want to do that thing, say No.

    I was also due to go and see some properties later today – but I realised that neither were going to be suitable – so that was another ‘No’ telephone call.

    I expected the work person to be annoyed, I expected them to say that I had inconvenienced them, I feared being made to feel guilty for saying No. Why?

    Because that’s what saying No meant every time when in an abusive relationship.

    Saying no – was responded to with anger or guilting – for not accommodating their needs

    How dare you say no to me!

    You’ve upset me and let me down

    You haven’t tried hard enough – this is your fault

    I dont like you when you say no

    You always do what you want

    and the rest…

    Theres no wonder why working through issues of conflict and saying No have been part of my healing and self aware story – Learning the power of No is here – the rest of my story is above in the links

    So I was building up to the phone call.

    Deep breath.

    Adrenaline going

    Lots of energy being spent…

    and…

    And it was ok.

    The person understood.

    The person was wished me well. The person was grateful that id been honest with them. The person realised that I needed more from them as an employer.

    The person I said no to – realised that my needs were important. Interesting that.

    Then I had to say no to some viewings – the estate agents, thanked me for calling and offered other properties and said ‘ thats ok James, there’ll be others more suitable’

    The Estate agent recognised my needs – as I said no to them too. Interesting that.

    What happens when you are emotionally damaging relationships with emotionally needy people – is that you are never ever seen, seen to have needs, or wants or desires – these all pale into insignificance, to the needs of the neediest. Yes is the only word to say to them, as otherwise it opens the door to the emotional rage from within. Eggshells again.

    I said No today and It was ok.

    I said No 3 times today – and it felt good.

    I even walked out of a car sales garage saying No and not feeling bad about it- I mean thats progress too!

    I didnt realise that people might actually be ok if I said no to them.

    I put my needs first.

    I eliminated things that weren’t the right thing for me.

    I chose myself.

    Also – because everything is just a tiny bit stressful at the moment, with job and flat all change situation – I forgot things I learned a while ago.

    Or worse – they started to attack.

    what will be their reaction, have you let people down again? and the rest…

    Today, I had a healthy reminder that it should be ok to say no. That No is about protecting, about deciding and about thinking about my needs.

    I had a reminder of the power of No.

    I had a reminder that I might be worth more than what was on offer – and that the other person could actually see that.

    I felt proud of myself that I had said no. I felt relieved too.

    Today was a bit of a life lesson, a reminder, of the energy required to muster up the power of No. – and doing it in the midst of tiring life situations…

    What if the No creates the space for the Yes to emerge? – well…maybe thats for another time…

  • Learning the power of ‘No’

    Learning the power of ‘No’

    One of the earliest and hardest decisions I had to make, aged 19, was to say ‘No’ to someone.

    Its not surprising though because often in Christian ministry/youthwork No can be one of the hardest words to say.

    No, actually you are not suitable for this ministry

    No, I dont think this job is for you

    No, you have not really fulfilled what was expected of you in your probation

    No, I actually dont have the time to do this

    No, my time is more important

    No.

    No. (might just be a complete sentence)

    No, and without an excuse.

    No is difficult when you are used to saying Yes.

    No is difficult when the desire to people please is strong.

    No is difficult when you are scared of the person asking.

    No is difficult when ‘we have to think the best of people’ .

    No is difficult when ‘if no one else is going to do it ill have to’

    No is difficult because it asks us to go against the yes.

    No is difficult because its harder work, isnt it

    No is difficult because it means being brave.

    No is difficult because it often means standing up for something

    No is difficult when compliance is rewarded.

    No means not being nice:

    But sadly, we hold onto our childhood beliefs and we continue to associate no with being dislikeable, bad-mannered, unkind, or selfish. We worry that if we say no, we will feel humiliated, guilty, or ashamed, and will end up being alone, rejected, or abandoned.

    https://tinybuddha.com/blog/stop-saying-yes-want-say-no/

    When NO, This cannot go on

    When NO, I am going to take responsibility

    When NO, This is hard, but its what I believe in.

    When NO, trusts our gut, instinct, passion, it says YES to ourselves. Our real selves.

    I have found that I’m often relieved after I say no.

    I didn’t make a no decision that had that much significance to me, it had more significance to someone else.

    A yes now, might mean putting off a no that someone else has to make.

    But other times I have said yes, to survive. Other times I have said yes and denied the feelings inside that were screaming for attention. In survival mode. Pretend mode. Scared mode.

    No means boundaries.

    No means I am worthy and my time is valuable.

    Saying no to others, means saying yes to ourselves.

    What does ‘Yes’ to myself look like?

    It looks like self care. Valuing my time.

    It looks like working on myself.

    It looks like listening to myself.

    It looks like stopping. Pausing. Realising I couldn’t go on, going on.

    It meant signing up for therapy.

    It meant being true to myself, but first helping me hear myself.

    Yes to myself. No to others.

    Loving myself, like loving my neighbour. Not just the latter.

    Helpful Tips for Saying No

    • Be direct, such as “no, I can’t” or “no, I don’t want to.”
    • Don’t apologize and give all sorts of reasons.
    • Don’t lie. Lying will most likely lead to guilt—and remember, this is what you are trying to avoid feeling.
    • Remember that it is better to say no now than be resentful later.
    • Be polite, for example, saying, “Thanks for asking.”
    • Practice saying no. Imagine a scenario and then practice saying no either by yourself or with a friend. This will get you feeling a lot more comfortable with saying no.
    • Don’t say, “I’ll think about it” if you don’t want to do it. This will just prolong the situation and make you feel even more stressed.
    • Remember that your self-worth does not depend on how much you do for other people. (From Tiny Buddha)

    I find it easier to say yes. I know why this is. It makes and has made saying no, when no means trusting and listening to my own feelings so difficult.

    My own healing is helping me to listen, and know that I can trust those feelings, to say no. And its ok to say no.

    Think about it another way, yes when meaning no, is only a lie to myself.

    A healing No, might make a Yes more true and authentic.